09x06 - A Winkle in Time

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

Yesterday we all went

To the coast

For the annual

Fishmonger's parade.

However,

When we got there,

We found that

The allied invasion

Had already started.

Our, uh-- our float

Was commandeered

By the retreating germans,

And I had to ride a tandem

Back to nouvion

Dressed as king neptune,

With edith,

As venus unadorned behind.

That is,

Behind me on the bike.

Unfortunately,

My winkles

Got caught in the chain

And I was forced

To hitchhike back here

To welcome

The tommies

Or the yankees,

Which is why we have

Boiled beef and carrots,

And hamburgers

On the menu.

Oh, rene,

Is it not wonderful?

Soon we shall be free.

Oh, it makes me want

To throw my arms around you

And kiss you passionately.

Let us wait until

The allies actually arrive

At the cafe, edith.

Then we can celebrate.

I have the champagne

All ready.

Soon the corks

Will be popping,

There will be hugs

And kisses

And tears will flow.

And then

I will sing

As I have never sung before.

Just the thought

Of what you describe

Makes my eyes water

Uncontrollably.

My stew and dumplings

Will give the troops strength

For their long march

To berlin.

With your dumplings

Inside of them,

They will be lucky

To get past the bus stop.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have splondid nose.

The brotish

And the yonkees

Are heading this woo.

I have a mop.

Would you like

To take a leak?

Oh, a map!

The brotish are here,

And the yonkees

Are here.

Look, rene, they are

Only an inch away.

Edith, this is

A little map.

It will take them days

To get to nouvion.

But even so,

It is obvious

That the americans

Will get here first.

Oh, we must make them

Welcome when they arrive.

What do you have

In mind?

Mamma has some records

Of american music upstairs.

I could go

And get them.

A few words of yonkee

Would be a hilp.

Could you teach us?

Well, of curse.

Have you got any

Bobble gom, chom?

And biddy,

Can you spare a doom?

Get the records, edith.

Rene, I must speak

To you urgently.

It will have

To be quick.

I soo you're still

Having a bit of nicky

With your boormaid.

That is none

Of your bosness.

Bog off.

What is it?

Rene, you promised

To marry me

When the invasion

Started.

No, I said

When the w*r was over,

Which means when

The allies actually arrive

Here at the cafe.

Then will you marry me?

You have my word

As a hero of france.

Oh, and you deserve

Nothing less

Than a hero's reward--

Me.

- Oh.

- Ooooh!

( Knocking )

Somebody is at the window.

- Hello!

- Hello!

Oh my god,

Not them!

The british airmen

Have come back.

They don't seem very pleased

To see us, carstairs.

I say, any chance

Of sheltering us

Until our chaps

Can pick us up?

We were shot down

Towing in a glider.

( Machine g*n sound )

What are they saying?

I have no idea.

I do not speak a word

Of their language.

I don't think

He understands.

You be the glider,

And I'll tow you.

He'll soon get the gist.

( Airplane sound )

( Machine g*n sound )

Oh, oh!

What are they doing?

They are either

Speaking hindustani

Or doing

A fertility dance.

( Sputtering,

Crashing sounds )

I think it is

A fertility dance.

Rene, michelle wants

To speak to you at once.

Oh no--

Not the british airmen again.

I think

She remembers us.

Michelle can

Sort this out.

I think we're

Getting through.

About time.

These froggie peasants

Are damned slow on the uptake.

Good grief!

What are

They doing here?

Why not ask them?

I say, chaps,

What are you doing here?

Advance glider squadron

Shot down.

Need a place to hole up

For a while.

They were shot down.

You will have

To hide them, rene.

No. Under no circumstances

Am I hiding

These two idiots here.

But if you

Turn them out,

They could get caught.

They could point this place

Out to the germans.

And we shall all be in

The you-know-what, up to here.

( Mutters )

Up to there.

Oh, all right.

Mimi, yvette,

Take them down

Into the cellar.

Look, rene,

I have found the records--

- Hello.

- Hello.

No.

In front

Of my very eyeballs,

History repeats itself.

We will be history

If we do not hide these two.

Down you go, chaps.

You'll be quite safe

In the cellar.

- Oh, jolly good.

- Cheerio.

That is incredible.

How on earth did-- ?

There is no time

To explain now.

I have something

Very important to tell you.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this

Only once.

We intend to blow up

The german ammunition dump

Outside the town.

Monsieur alphonse and I

Are going out in his hearse

Which is loaded

With expl*sives.

We will go to the top

Of the hill,

Which overlooks

The ammunition dump.

We will let the hearse

Roll down the hill

Onto the dump,

Blowing it sky high.

But you told me

It was a piece of cake.

We are on

The spinning wheel of fate.

Fate can take a flying jump

At a rolling doughnut.

Rene, you must go

With michelle.

What?

You are a hero

Of the resistance.

People will call

You are a coward

If you refuse,

And your statue will not

Be erected in the square.

People will spit at you

In the street.

- Tch!

- Coward.

I will go.

Perfect.

I must be off

My rocker.

Good luck, rene.

And when you return,

I will give you

A night to remember.

Either way,

It is a suicide mission.

( Yelling )

General von--

General von klinkerhoffen.

There will be no retreat,

And no surrender.

Not while I am

Garrison commander.

We will hold this town

To the last man

And the last b*llet.

Will we be

The last men?

Very likely.

Take this.

Anyone caught

Deserting their post

Will be shot.

Ah!

I have put a guard

On your front door.

I'm not staying here

For the last stand.

What do we do?

What do we do?

Tie my long-johanns

To the balcony

And we will climb down.

You should

Wash these by hand.

The quality is too good

To send to the laundry.

( Record playing )

( Lip-syncing )

He was a famous trumpet man ♪

From the old chicago way

He had a boogie style

That no one else

Could play

He was the top man

At his craft

But then

His number came up

And he was gone

With the draft

He's in the army now,

A blowin' reveille

He's the boogie woogie

Bugle boy of company b

They made him blow a bugle

For his uncle sam

It really brought him down

Because he couldn't jam

The captain seemed

To understand

Because the next day the cap

Went out and drafted a band ♪

And now the company jumps

When he plays reveille--

( Record stops )

Rene!

Did you succeed

In blowing up

The ammunition dump?

No.

But we did get

A big van of vegetables.

I do not understand.

We must go upstairs

And radio london.

Here, mimi,

You take these

And put them

In the kitchen.

Yvette, look after

On the bar.

But what happened

To michelle?

She has gone to tell

Monsieur alphonse

Where his hearse is.

And where is it?

Everywhere.

Shh!

Leclerc:

Aah!

The knobs,

The flashing knobs.

Take your bromide.

Shut up,

You silly old fools.

'Allo, london.

This is

Nighthawk calling.

Are you receiving me?

Over.

Hello, nighthawk.

This is london,

Receiving you loud and clear.

What is

Your message? Over.

We have failed to blow up

The ammunition dump,

And we are very unpopular

With the greengrocer.

Over.

Do not worry, nighthawk.

British commandos

Will be with you shortly.

They will take care

Of everything.

Over and out.

Well,

That is the last message

I am sending.

For me the w*r is over.

You are right, rene.

I knew it all along.

You are

A resistance fighter.

He's not just

A resistance fighter.

He is nighthawk.

Shut up,

You silly old bat.

As the w*r

Is nearly over,

We will turn

A blind eye.

Just give us the painting

Of the fallen madonna

So we can escape

And sell it.

But I do not know

Where it is.

I glued it between

Two of my menus,

And now I cannot find it.

Oh, colonel,

Without the painting

I fear the game is up.

And the british commandos

Will be here very shortly,

So up yours.

Oh no,

Not the commandos,

They are such

Rough fellows.

Can't we surrender

To somebody else?

What about

The british airmen

In the cellar?

Edith!

The british airmen?

Are they still here

After all these years?

Well, on and off, yes.

Gruber, we will surrender

To the british airmen.

What a relief.

I've always got on

Rather well with airmen.

I say, carstairs,

Someone's coming.

Damn, it's the jerries.

We wish

To surrender to you.

They're going

To sh**t us.

The swine.

I don't think they

Understand us, colonel.

Gruber, I've just

Had an idea.

Why don't we take

Their uniforms,

And escape

In disguise?

Take off your clothes.

What's he saying?

Sorry, old boy,

Don't speak a word

Of the lingo.

My god,

What's he doing?

This could be

A good a moment

To quote

The geneva convention.

I think he just wants

Our clothes, fairfax.

What a relief.

For a moment I though

I was back at eton!

The cursed british

And americans

Are only hours away.

Von smallhausen?

Reveal the m*dget

Submarine.

Yes, herr flick.

It looks like two baths

Put together.

You have a keen eye, helga.

It is two baths

Put together.

Von smallhausen has spent

The last year

Digging a tunnel

From here

To the old boathouse

On the river.

Once at sea,

My uncle heinie's submarine

Will pick us up and take us

To south america.

You will lie down

Inside it, helga,

With your nose

In the plughole.

I will lie on top of you,

And pedal all the way

To the coast.

On second thoughts,

I think I'll take my chances

With the british.

Very well.

Von smallhausen,

Open the secret tunnel.

Yes, herr flick.

Herr flick, will you

Be leaving me my share

Of the 10 million francs?

No.

But you may have this

As a momento.

The missing booby

From the painting

Of the fallen madonna.

Cheapskate.

( Crowd cheering )

Mimi, get

The champagne out.

Oh, rene,

Do I look all right

For the commandos?

You never

Looked better.

Oh, welcome,

Good to see you!

My dear friend.

Major twistleton-smythe,

Five commando,

British special forces.

My second-in-command,

Captain starkington.

This town is now

Under allied control.

What does he say,

Rene?

Do not ask me.

I've arranged to take the formal

German surrender in here.

But first, I want to speak

To one reeny artoys,

Alias nighthawk

Of the resistance.

Rene, he mentioned

Your name.

I am rene artois.

This must be the chap, sir.

Give me the medal,

Starkers.

Reeny artoys

In recognition

Of your daring work

For the resistance,

I'm empowered

By his majesty, king george,

To award you

The m.b.f. Medal.

Or "magnificent

Brother of france."

Oh, thank you!

Don't tell him it

Really stands for

"Mad bloody frog."

Oh my god! No, no!

I say, starkers,

Who are these two?

They look like

British airmen, sir.

Must be fairfax

And carstairs,

The two who were

Shot down.

Damn glad

To see you, chaps.

Oooh, waffle waffle

Waffle waffle waffle.

Rah rah rah

Rah rah.

I'm general

Von klinkerhoffen,

Commanding officer

Of the nouvion garrison.

To avoid

The unnecessary

Loss of lives

Of my men,

I now formally

Surrender to you.

Lucky you speak

A little jerry, sir.

Yes, isn't it?

I accept

Your surrender.

( German accent )

Where are the other officers

Of the garrison?

Unfortunately,

I'm the--

Good god.

Colonel von strohm!

Lieutenant gruber!

What are you

Doing here?

Stand to attention!

These are my officers.

Impersonating

British airmen!

This may well

Be held against you.

Sorry, old boy, don't speak

A word of the lingo.

Nice try.

Where are we,

Von smallhausen?

By my calculation,

Only this wall

Divides us

From the river.

Excellent.

Von smallhausen,

Get into the bath.

Yes, herr flick.

Goodbye, helga.

You may give me

One last kiss,

Before you push us

Through the wall

And into the river.

Forget the kiss,

But I shall be pleased

To give you the push.

All we need are

The local gestapo

Officers,

And we will have

Everyone in the bag.

Private geerhart!

General?!

I have to announce

That upon your orders,

I have captured herr flick

And von smallhausen

To turn over

To the british.

This is not the river,

Von smallhausen.

These look like

Gestapo officers.

They are.

A very junior one.

I'm a cadet.

All germans will be held

In the town jail

For the time being.

Take 'em away, chaps.

Goodbye, rene.

How I wish we'd been

On the same side.

Put in

A kind word for me.

I will do my best,

Lieutenant.

Me, too.

Tell them I'm

A pussycat, really.

Mimi,

Yvette, drinks

For the officers.

And now for some

Entertainment.

I remember one british song

That I heard on the radio.

Edith, edith,

No, please.

This isn't

A bad little place.

I think we'll

Billet ourselves here

For a day or two.

Now look what

You have done.

Ohhh,

What a disappointment.

Still, at least for us,

The w*r is over.

So is your singing

Career.

But rene,

We still have

Each other.

The price of victory

Is always high.

My goodness,

My dear helga.

Nouvion has hardly

Changed at all.

Oh, look, hubert,

There's a statue of rene.

How handsome he was.

I wonder if--

After all these years--

His cafe is still here.

Let us go and see.

Wait for us here,

Erich.

Yes, sir.

Even to the smell

Of garlic,

How it brings back

Memories.

We were so young.

Surely my eyes

Deceive me.

No, it-- it is rene.

How has he

Defied the years?

I am weak with shock.

Welcome

To cafe rene.

Would you like

A table?

Rene?!

Do you not

Recognize us?

Do I know you?

It is i,

Lieutenant gruber.

And this is helga,

Now my wife.

Ah, I think it is

My father you want.

You are the son

Of rene?

Yes, I bear

His proud name.

Ohhh,

And is the senior rene

Still alive?

( Weakly )

Go, go, go.

Look, rene, a car.

We have visitors.

That chauffeur

Looks very familiar.

No, no,

It cannot be.

It is!

Colonel von strohm.

Surely not.

Rene,

It's you!

Oh, colonel.

Who's this?

Oh, it is my waitress,

Yvette.

She is the only one

Strong enough

To push my chair.

Oh, what are you

Doing here, colonel?

We've come back

To revive old memories.

We?

Herr gruber--

Lieutenant gruber,

You knew?

Is here with his wife, helga.

They're with me.

Lieutenant gruber!

Married?

He became a millionaire

Art dealer after the w*r.

I'm his chauffeur.

They have six

Grown up children.

Six

I never knew

He had it in him.

Mimi! Yvette!

Will no one hear

The cries of an old woman?

Shut up, you old bat.

Where have you been?

Lieutenant gruber is back.

I overheard rene

Talking to him

As I came up

The stairs.

No?!

No.

Oh, I must go down

And talk with him.

Here, help me on

With my dressing gown.

Papa!

Papa, there are

Some old friends

Here to see you.

You are

Looking well,

Old friend.

Lieutenant, I can hardly

Believe my eyes.

I thought you

Would have

Married

Madame edith.

He never got

Round to it.

But he has promised

To marry me,

As soon as we find

The missing portrait

Of the fallen madonna

With the big boobies.

Then whose

Little boy is--

An orphaned baby,

Left on the doorstep.

I told him that

I was his father.

To spare him the shame.

Of course.

Kind as always.

I see they have

Erected a statue

To you, rene.

( All scream )

What is this?

The painting

Of the fallen madonna.

So that is--

That is where

It went.

Still in the menu

In which I hid it.

So that is

Where it went.

If only we had

The missing booby.

Strangely enough,

I still have it.

Herr flick

Gave it to me

When the invasion

Began.

I have carried it

Around for years,

As a memento.

Here it is.

What a reunion.

Gruber:

This painting is

Now worth millions.

Then let us go

Back into the cafe

And put it together.

I will find us

A buyer

Through

My international

Auction house.

This will stun

The art world,

Even more

Than my marriage.

Perhaps we could

All share

In the good

Fortune.

Helga,

Lieutenant,

Colonel,

Is it really you?

How wonderful

It is to see you

Again.

My goodness,

Madame edith!

( Engine revs )

What is that?

Rene is in my car.

Who's with him?

That damned

Waitress.

We have the painting,

Yvette.

We'll head for spain,

Sell it and start

A new life together.

Oh, rene, at last!

What is

Going on here?

They are

Taking my car.

And they have

The painting.

Rene!

What are you

Doing with that

Serving girl?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see,

I am eloping?

( Car honks )

( Theme music playing )