Hoodlum Saint, The (1947)

[bunniefuu]

- Hey!

- Terry!

Boy, this is a surprise!

Never thought I'd see you again!

Hiya, O'Neill!

How are you, boy!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute!

- Where's May?

- May, come on out of that morgue!

Come on out of there!

- Terry!

- Put it on me.

That's it, put it on.

Tie it on tight!

- One, two, three!

- There!

- Wow!

- Bingo!

- Bull's eye!

- Same old Terry.

Same old accuracy, boy.

That calls for a kiss from the

prettiest lady in the crowd.

- Come on, May!

- Go ahead, May, we'll back you up.

- You think I should?

- Come on, darling.

Hate to leave you, honey.

But I gotta hit old knucklehead

for a living.

- Hiya, knucklehead.

- Terry.

- How are you?

- What do you think?

The place begins to smell like

a newspaper again.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, get in there.

Sit down.

Well, how was it over there?

Pretty rough?

A lot of boys died.

But a lot came back.

I've been doing a little

thinking about them.

Do you remember a few years ago

I used to pick extra jack...

...doing human interest stuff

on the mugs?

Best stuff this sheet ever printed.

Well, I got the same idea for a Sunday

series on the returning soldier.

Real names, hospitals,

handicapped guys, reunions...

Yeah?

You know all they want is the old job

with the old salary.

I swore I wasn't gonna

be glad to see you,

and what do I do?

I practically kiss you.

- You don't like the idea.

- I love the idea.

And your ugly face.

But I hate this job right now.

I'll just have to fire Perkins

when he comes in.

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, you know the sheet's

got a new owner.

- So?

- So the night desk is filled.

The new owner says cut to the bone.

Even if someone comes back a general.

For a tough guy you're not

very tough.

I'm glad you left your fight in France.

You know, it's a funny thing.

I've been thinking of retiring.

You'd be perfect for my spot.

Sure.

Six kids and you're thinking

of retiring.

Look, will you quit worrying about me?

I'll hook on to one of the other sheets.

Yeah, but things are tight.

Why don't you get in touch

with me from time to time?

Say, if I ever walk in here again,

I'll own this rag.

And the first thing I'll do will be

to fire you as managing editor.

And hire you as editor-in-chief.

- See you around, knucklehead.

- Good luck.

- Don't forget to call me.

- Okay.

You know, if you boys sit there long enough

people may think you're part of the building.

A lovely pair of gargoyles.

- Hiya, Fishface.

- Terry!

- How are you?

- Pretty pretty good.

- Hi there!

- We've been chasing you all over town.

Ever since the papers said

you was back.

- Yeah? Well, how have you been?

- Going's been tough.

I almost got drafted.

With you away we didn't have

anybody to put the fight on.

I mean, you know, float a little

loan now and then.

Oh.

How about the First National Bank?

Have you lost your tools?

We saved up a lot of stories

for you, Terry.

Everything that's happened to the mugs

since you've been gone.

You'll be rolling in dough.

You know it's funny, but as I remember,

every buck I ever made from you guys

used to cost me about ten.

We don't want a dime,

we're in clover.

We finally got a sweet little

business going.

How about a little t?te-?-t?te

with the inspector?

- Terry...

- Now, you can't do this.

- I always did.

- Terry, I mean... could you...

Would you?

- What's the charge?

- Making books on the ponies.

- Oh, sweet little business, huh?

- Please, Terry.

Where's the Snarp?

The inspector already had a talk

with him. He's resting.

- Come on.

- Now wait...

Terry! Terry! Don't just stand

there, Terry.

Terry!

- What's the beef?

- One hundred dollars apiece.

Three hundred dollars?

You must have x-ray eyes.

All right, let them out.

- Out you go.

- Didn't I tell you he wouldn't let us down?

Terry!

Oh, Terry, let me look at you.

Are we glad you're home.

Yeah, I wish I felt as happy

about it as you do.

Oh, we're very, very happy.

Come on, Terry, we'll all be happy

around Snarp.

- Yeah.

- See you later, Sergeant.

- Uh-huh, our Terry.

- Our friend. Never failed us.

You know, your temporary memberships in the

Jockey Club cost me my last head of lettuce.

Aw gee, I'm sorry, Terry.

Well, there's nothing to do but go dig out

my trunk and head for the pawn shop.

Well... look... Terry, it's nice having

you back. I'll see you around sometime.

Yeah, you look swell in that

uniform, Terry. So long.

- Well, Terry...

- Hey!

- Why the hasty exit?

- Well look, Terry, it's like this, you see.

Two or three times when we'd run short

on the rent and we'd, uh...

You mean my trunk?

My civvies?

All of them?

For two years I've been dreaming

of getting out of this suit.

Now I've got to find a job to get

a pair of pants.

Not to mention something to eat.

- What about the paper?

- They're using last year's reporters.

After all the words you put together

for them guys?

They paid for them.

I hear they're giving out jobs

at the parrish house.

Yeah? What are they paying

choir boys these days?

Dave?

Major!

Hiya, fella.

Snarp, I want you to know Dave Fernby.

- Hi, Dave.

- Hiya.

You see that DSC? That represents

the lives of three guys.

Yeah.

And that ribbon and a nickel won't get

me a ride on any streetcar in Baltimore.

- How's the old ticker?

- I hardly even know I've got one.

I'm glad that whiff of gas didn't

leave anything permanent.

No. How's it going with you?

A sixty-dollar bonus didn't carry

a wife and two kids very far.

Yeah, I know.

I don't care about myself.

It's going home night after night with

nothing for them but a pat on the head.

Could you spare a ten-spot?

Look, Dave,

you're always number one on

my list, you know that.

- But...

- Yeah, but.

I should have known better.

You're just like all the rest of them.

The w*r's over, so forget Dave,

forget everything.

- Oh now, wait a minute.

- Get out of my way.

Just get out...

Why didn't you tell him

you was broke?

That's not the problem.

# Three blind mice, three blind mice #

# See how they run #

# See how they run #

# They all ran after the farmer's wife #

I know what's lined up here.

There's real chicken in them sandwiches.

Want me to get you some?

Hey, Jack, where's Father O'Doul?

- Father O'Doul's over at the table.

- Oh yeah. Hey, Father!

- Hello, Snarp.

- Look who's here.

Terry!

How are you, Father?

Terry, it's a pleasure to see

you again.

Get us a couple of javas

and a sandwich, will you, Jack?

We'll wait for you.

Well, Terry, I suppose you're all set

to go back in the paper again, hm?

- No.

- Oh, something better?

No, I'm afraid not. I, uh...

Well, I heard that you were sort of

taking care of the boys and...

I need a job.

Well... there doesn't seem

to be any jobs.

Except odds and ends.

The best I have to offer is sandwiches,

soup and a cot.

- Free?

- Sure, we...

...try to see you through

until things open up.

Thanks.

Funny.

Watching guys die over there

sort of changes your ideas.

But you keep telling yourself

that soon things will be better...

...when you get back home.

Then you get back and the best

offer you get is charity.

Well, if that's the way they

play the game, okay.

I can play it that way too.

- What way?

- Go after the one thing that counts.

Dough, big dough.

Well, I could give you a big

argument about that.

Maybe it's one of the things,

but it's not the thing.

I'm finding out there isn't

anything to top it.

Depression is temporary. But principles

and faith, they go on forever.

Maybe so.

But you know those who

help themselves.

I'd like to talk this out

with you some time.

Sure. I'll see you in church.

I hope you will.

# Merrily, merrily, merrily #

# Life is but a dream #

# Row, row, row your boat #

# Gently down the stream #

Better get a gander at them

want ads.

Yeah.

Need another copper.

Female help wanted.

If our luck keeps on, you'll have

to take up ironing.

Okay by me if you do the washing.

Nancy De Brun, Baltimore heiress, to wed

wealthy Cleveland sportsman.

You know somebody at that

hitching bee?

Not yet, but it looks as if every big shot

in town will be there.

Thomas Byrd, Joseph Lorrison,

Lewis J. Malbery...

Lewis J. Malbery.

That's East Coast Commodities.

Fastest growing chain of the east.

I'd better catch that show.

You can't just walk into

a wedding like that.

Why not?

If Terry wants to crash a wedding,

he'll go first class.

Mister... You!

- Major O'Neill.

- But your invitation, sir.

- Sorry, I'm late.

- Sorry, but I must see your invitation, sir.

Oh, darling, I wish you every happiness.

Thank you very much.

My kisses are my property, I'm particular

who I give them to.

I wish you were as particular

about your haymakers.

Oh, wait a minute, I apologize.

I thought you were the bride.

Oh, the bride.

She has dark hair, mine's light.

she's in white, I'm in blue, we're so

alike our mothers get confused.

Well, let's, uh... let's drop

the whole thing.

I have no intention of dropping it.

There's the bride!

White roses caught by a tr*mp

for the bleachers.

I think these will look slightly

more becoming on you.

I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

Please forgive me.

Wait a minute. At least I deserve

some inside information.

Why did you kiss me?

To convince that gateman

I belong here.

- Well don't you?

- No.

So you just rushed up to the first

girl you saw,

shouted congratulations and

went in to your greeting, hm?

Oh, I hate to be thrown out of places.

Well why did you want

to come here?

I need a job.

Employers in this town are seldom in.

Must be the uniform.

I see.

I thought I might bump into somebody

here and sell him a bill of goods.

And all you bumped into was me.

It was quite a collision.

Well.

Will you join me for the

wedding luncheon?

I'd be very glad to.

- Oh, by the way, what's your name?

- Terry O'Neill.

I'm Kay Lorrison.

Nice to meet you, Miss Lorrison,

formally.

Major O'Neill it's nice to me you,

formally.

Thank you.

Oh, here I am.

Oh, and there's your card.

They were expecting you.

- Um, your name is Travers.

- Yes, that's me, J. Cornwall Travers.

Do you mind if I just call you Cornwall?

- Lady, you can call me anything.

- Thank you.

- Oh, there's Uncle Joe.

- Hm?

You knew the bride so well

you must know my uncle Joe Lorrison.

- The publisher of the Blade?

- Hm-hmm.

No, I never met him.

You really should know him.

You drove up here in his car.

What?

Oh, wait until I get my hands

on that Snarp.

- Snarp, what Snarp?

- My chauffeur.

He told me he'd borrowed

that car from a friend.

I've never been so mad in my life.

Somebody stole my car.

My chauffeur was in the

nearest saloon.

Now, Uncle Joe, nobody'd dare

steal your car.

Why, you'd have press and police

on his head.

That's just what I intend to do.

Starting tomorrow with a front

page editorial...

...on the laxity of our police

department.

Oh, you know how absent-minded you are.

You probably looked down

the wrong street.

And I suppose my chauffeur was

in church instead of a saloon.

Oh, stop grousing.

Come on, sit down.

Oh, I want you to meet

an old friend.

- Major O'Neill, Mr. Lorrison.

- How do you do?

- How do you do, sir?

- Funny, I've never met you before.

Yes, isn't it? And I used to work

on a paper here too.

Oh? Which one?

The Times. I was night editor

before the w*r.

And before that I wrote for Natural News

I also did a series on the

lower end of town.

Pardon me.

Oh, yes!

How was France?

Well, sometimes gentle,

sometimes rough.

- Hello, Kay.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Malbery.

Don't tell me I'm lucky enough

to sit across from you.

Uh, uh, I should have known

there'd be a catch in it.

How are you, Mr. Lorrison?

Hello, L.J.

Kay, you grow prettier every day.

Or perhaps your beauty is

accentuated by contrast.

Or perhaps it's a little both.

Oh, Mr. Malbery, Major O'Neill.

- How do you do, sir?

- How are you?

- I've heard a great deal about you.

- And all bad I'll bet.

Kay, I wish your uncle would see

a liver specialist.

It might change his opinion of me.

Mr. Malbery, it sounds as if you need

a public relations counsel.

Not at all.

Oh, pardon me.

I built East Commodities myself.

I run it fairly and I don't intend

to apologize for it.

Despite Mr. Lorrison.

Um, Mr. Malbery.

Your concentrated purchasing power...

...must give you quite an edge

on your competitors, doesn't it?

It does, until he's put his competitors

out of business.

Then people can buy his jacked-up

merchandise...

...or walk a few miles to the

nearest independent.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Remember,

two people have just been married.

Everything is sweetness and love.

I hate to leave such charming company,

but I suddenly remember

I have an appointment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'll see you again, Mr. Malbery.

- Perhaps so.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mr. Lorrison.

I ought to take a sock at him.

Don't you think you ought to say

goodbye to your hostess first?

Well, you handle the social business.

I'll find a taxi.

No need for that.

Major O'Neill has a car.

Oh... yes, sure,

I'll be glad to give you a lift.

Why, thank you. I'll find my hat.

- Mr. Travers?

- Yes.

- J. Cornwall?

- Yes.

J. Cornwall Travers.

- These are wonderful cars.

- Yes.

This one feels just like mine.

Could be.

Mr. Malbery would make a great target

for a fighting newspaper, wouldn't he?

We've been sniping at him ever since he

moved into the suburbs of Baltimore.

Why don't you throw your

Sunday punch?

What's that?

Cross-section the little guy.

Tell what he pays and what

he gets for it.

Do sketches in his home.

Slice that against Mr. Malbery's profits.

Be quite a tea party.

You want a job?

Is there any tea in China?

You have one.

Come see me in the morning.

I'll be there at sunrise.

You'll be very unpopular with the rest

of the hired help.

- I can't make it until eleven myself.

- Don't tell me you're a working girl.

I toil not, but I spin a few lines

for the Woman's page now and then.

Well, my new job abounds

with added attractions.

- Anyhow, good luck with it.

- You've given me that.

At least so far.

There was no luck in it. That was

deliberate planning, Cornwall.

Cornwall? I thought his name

was O'Neill.

Um, Terry Cornwall O'Neill.

- Hello?

- Miss Kay Lorrison?

Yes?

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday, dear Kay Lorrison #

# Happy birthday to you #

Terry!

"How to Write for a Newspaper"

by Terrence O'Neill.

- Good morning, Ellie.

- Good morning.

- Harry, Joe.

- Good morning, Terry.

What a lovely morning.

Did I say "what a lovely morning"?

Mighty valuable material to be

throwing around.

First edition.

Oh, happy birthday, Miss Lorrison.

Kay!

I don't want a private arm,

but I wish you'd work tonight.

What now, boss man?

Palais Ballroom. They're starting

a dance marathon.

The darn thing's beginning to be

a craze all over the country.

Thought you might enter and write

a first-handed piece.

You know, what those tired

young ladies think about...

...while they're dancing

in their sleep.

- All right.

- I've got a partner for you.

Eddie Phillips, down in circulation.

They tell me he's good on his feet

and knows all about these things.

Their publicity man knows

you're coming.

Uncle Joe.

Never mind about Eddie Phillips.

I think I've got a partner.

Isn't this a rather odd choice for

an evening of intimate choreography?

It's the best orchestra in town.

Well, I wouldn't exactly bet

500 on this but...

with you, lady, I'll try anything.

I may hold you to that.

Oh, speaking of you... here.

- It's beautiful!

- Happy birthday.

- A white rose.

- Put it on.

Hoping it will always remind you...

...of a certain impulsive, though

unknown major.

Oh, I don't need it for that.

- Oh, dear.

- Hm?

- Oh dear, I wish I hadn't done it.

- Done what?

Well, folks, this is it.

The biggest dance marathon of the year

in Baltimore's finest "Palais du Dance".

Now the grueling, but graceful grind,

will commence almost any minute now,

ladies and gentlemen.

Now, just as soon as the attendants...

...pin the numbers on the couples

remaining on the floor,

the opening g*n will be fired...

and the road will open up

that leads to that $500...

...and that beautiful Silver Cup.

Now, anyone not entering the contest

will kindly leave the floor...

...and join the spectators.

Thank you.

Let's go.

- We're in it.

- What?

Yes, I entered us.

You entered us?

Well, well, here you are, buster.

Number 6.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute.

Why, you conniving, underhanded Borgia,

you poisoner of romance!

Look, if you think that I'm going

to make a fool...

No, Terry, wait, it's an assignment.

I have to write a piece on it.

I write special features, I'm no legman.

- Come on.

- You promised you'd try anything with me.

Well, I, um...

I... I... I never told you about my feet.

Th-they're not mates.

I've got broken arches, dozens of them.

Oh, come on, Jerry, be a sport.

I've got to do it. Please.

Lucky number six, ought to bring you

right down under the wire.

- Do I race with blinkers?

- Ha, that's a good one, brother!

Why don't you nail it on

with a hammer?

Get set!

Well folks, let's take a good look

at some of the contestants.

Hey, just cast your eyes

on that number 19.

Now there's a couple for us.

Uh-oh, better take it easy there, bud.

You won't last long at that rate.

Ladies and gentlemen, take

a look at number 6.

- Number 6.

- That's us, Cornwall.

Now there's a classy couple for you.

Just look at that gorgeous

piece of femininity.

Oh, boy!

Hey, not a bad-looking escort

she's got either.

Tall, dark and handsome, yes, sir.

Oh, those snaky-looking gigolo types can

really surprise you when they get going.

Look at that man go.

Oh now, slow down, take

it easy, everybody.

You've got lots of time to go here.

Maybe hours, maybe days.

Maybe weeks.

Kay, don't you think you've got

enough material by now?

What?

Say, don't you think you've got

enough material by now?

Oh, no, Cornwall,

I've got to get more insight into

this dreamy comatose state.

- Just fine.

- I'm comfortable.

That makes everything peachy.

Besides, we might win the cup.

Do we get permanent possession

or do we have to win it three times?

Keep moving, buster, go on, go on.

Don't touch her, buster,

that's a foul.

Move, keep moving.

Doctor, doctor!

Oh, man, get up, get up!

No, I can't allow her do dance anymore.

Oh, but Doc, we were gonna

win the contest.

- I'm sorry, no.

- Don't talk, buddy, look!

You got one minute to find

yourself another partner.

If you don't find yourself another

partner in one minute,

you'll be disqualified.

How am I gonna find one?

Buddy!

You've got one.

The best dancer on the floor.

Harry, you fiend!

Mighty sporting of you, mister.

Oh... I... I have to be some place

at one o'clock.

Yeah, you see... I'm a doctor.

I'm a veterinarian in fact.

And I have to deliver a litter

of chipmunks.

I hope they bite you!

Thanks, doc.

- $5 for a sprint.

- The gentleman offers $5 for a sprint.

Cornwall!

What do you think's happened now?

Malbery's going to sue us.

Well that's it.

We'll call that bluff.

Keep our attacks red hot.

Terry, your stories are great.

Accurate, funny, lots of heart.

People read them but don't get

a hang about Malbery.

You're apt to find yourself up

to a hundred a week.

A hundred a week?

I can remember when that was dough.

Mr. Lorrison, you've been swell.

- I'm grateful for everything.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.

You haven't quite got me.

That raise depends on...

I'm afraid that you haven't

quite got me.

I'm moving.

- Moving?

- Hm-hmm.

- Where to?

- New York.

But the Blade's a better sheet than

any of those New York rags.

Yes, but there's a guy up there

named Lewis J. Malbery.

But we've been tearing him apart.

Perhaps it's time to put him

back together.

Well you can't do this!

You used my newspaper to expose a man

and now you want to put in with him.

What kind of operator are you?

Big. I hope.

- Porter, car 3245.

- Thank you, sir.

Well I kind of hoped Uncle Joe

would be here.

- He asked me to say goodbye for him.

- I should have stopped at the office.

It's strange guy in such a mad rush...

...should be bothered about losing

a friendship on the way.

Uncle Joe's sort of special.

Jerry, sometimes I think you don't

know what you want.

- Yeah?

- Sometimes I think you want everything.

Wanting everything often results

in getting nothing.

But at least you've had a whirl at it.

- All aboard!

- Write, Terry.

You'e slipping, Snarp.

Why, Terry, believe me,

I never knew it was you.

You can't even pick the pocket

of a friend.

And what are you doing

in this train?

Oh, when you said you was

leaving town,

I just couldn't stand the thought

of staying here alone.

You know how it would be, worrying about

you, wondering what you was doing.

Okay.

I'll take you to New York and show you

how to be a bigger pocket.

- Going after the big dough, huh?

- Right.

I'll just keep this, you know, in case

the conductor asks me for a ticket.

The ticket's ten bucks.

- Who else?

- Well, there's Eel.

- Where is he?

- Inside.

- You ain't gonna throw him off the train.

- Come on, quit stalling.

Well, we couldn't stay in Baltimore

without you.

When we was in a jam, we wouldn't have

nobody to put the bite on.

- How sad.

- You might need us in New York.

# But I'm longing for you #

# Nothing's been right since we parted #

# Sweetheart, forgive me, please do #

# Let's be the same as when we... #

You know something, the first

six days I liked that song...

...but now it's beginning

to let me down.

I've been looking at that billing so long,

I feel like I owe him rent.

Look, I'm going to see Malbery

if we sit here from now on.

Maybe you should oughta

grow a beard.

I can't even back into his office

without getting the brush-off.

But some day Mr. Malbery's going

to walk out of that door.

And when he does, I'll be right

on his coattail.

# ...to me #

I wish that guy wouldn't clutter up

the front table all the time.

Leave him alone, Mike,

I like the guy.

- How was the song?

- Hm?

Oh, yes. Yes, that was better, Dusty.

How about just a little more heart?

If you'd give this heart just

a little more attention,

maybe I'd be able to sing

the way you like.

Maybe I like it too much.

I'd be satisfied with half the time

you give that window.

What's Malbery got I haven't?

Twenty-five million dollars.

Will that keep your feet warm?

Terry! There he is!

- Mr. Malbery?

- Yes.

- I doubt if you remember me, I'm Terry...

- O'Neill. I remember you too well.

And I can imagine nothing nicer than

never hearing from you again.

Mr. Malbery, you're losing

the ball game.

The district attorney is after you.

And your answer is right there

in those people on that sidewalk.

- What do you mean?

- Look.

I've a slogan that's a natural.

"East Coast is Banked by the Public."

There's capital for expansion,

the end of personal attacks.

Get in.

- Good morning, Maggie.

- Good morning, Mr. Terry.

- How are the horses?

- Oh, never in the money, just like me.

Oh.

- Good morning, Trina.

- No pay today.

- No?

- No.

Well, why three?

Why, don't you know what

day this is?

- Tuesday.

- Uh-uh.

This is our anniversary.

Why, three years ago today I put

the first bachelor button in your lapel.

Three years, well, well,

how time flies.

Well you haven't aged a day.

Oh, the bachelor button. You should

be wearing the red rose of passion.

- Morning, Sam.

- Good morning, Mr. Terry.

- Good morning, Mary.

- Good morning, Mr. O'Neill.

- Hi, Terry.

- How are you, Terry?

- Good morning, Cy.

- Good morning.

How are you, Terry?

You boys are on the job

early this morning.

Terry, that pool room you bought

us ain't doing so good.

What do I have to do, go down

and rack up the ba*ls for you?

No, but the customers are all

paying on the cuff.

Make them pay cash.

Them chums is getting so they can

play pool as good as we can.

Looks like we ain't going to make the next

payment to the billiard table company.

That means we're gonna lose

the place.

- How many more installments are there?

- Only five.

- There's five hundred dollars.

- Gee, now we own the pool room.

That's the idea. But this is the last jam

I'm getting you boys out of.

I guess we better stop

getting into jams.

This is terrible.

Have you stopped making book

in that back room?

We promised you, didn't we?

We haven't booked a bet in days...

weeks... uh, months!

All right... but look!

After this there's no reason for

you fellows to be parking in this office.

You mean we can't come up

here no more?

Well, up here you kind of clog

the wheels of business.

- Oh, this is terrible.

- You mean we ain't gonna see you?

You ain't been at the pool room

in two months.

Hey, wait, Terry, we don't wanna...

Ah, don't be a dope.

I'll drop by every now and then.

- That's a promise.

- Well, that's okay then.

- Then we'll be seeing you.

- Yeah.

- So long, Terry.

- Remember.

- Bye, Terry.

- So long.

Mr. O'Neill.

Good morning, Terry, I have several

things to talk over with you.

Uh, let's go in here.

Nice lettering, don't you think?

Very.

You've earned it. And you'll earn

the salary that goes with it.

L.J., I'm glad I met you.

And the stock option goes with the job.

Boy... thanks.

Now you're set for life.

We wanted you to have foray to handle

that Tristate Commodities merger alone.

It's a complicated affair and

you know it clear through.

And, um...

Cy, get me a compartment

for Baltimore tonight.

Baltimore? Tristate Commodities'

offices are in Buffalo.

I'm not in love with anyone

in Buffalo.

And Cy, ask that jeweller downstairs

to come up with a...

...a tray of diamond bracelets.

Um, Mr. O'Neill to see Miss Lorrison.

- Miss Lorrison's still...

- Never mind.

There she is.

Your invitation, sir!

Your invitation, sir!

You haven't changed.

Ah, but you have.

Always prettier.

No, you haven't changed one bit.

- Surprised?

- Why, I just can't believe it.

In my wildest dreams I never

imagined it like this.

You know, all those letters

I never wrote?

Were there really so many?

One every day, lady.

But you know what happens when

you've got your nose to the grindstone.

Three years.

- A lot of days.

- Too many.

Way too many.

Look. Let's go outside where I'll have

more room to apologize.

How is that?

Doesn't sound like you.

I've been learning things in New York.

But you haven't learned

not to crash weddings.

Oh, is that what's going on?

Am I still kissing bridesmaids?

This time you kissed the bride.

- No!

- Yes.

What's... Do I know the lucky man?

His name is Bert Kenston.

- He must be quite a guy.

- He is.

Lady... I wish you all the

happiness there is.

I counted on that.

# I could climb the snow-capped mountains #

# Sail the mighty oceanwide #

# I could cross the burning desert #

# If I had you by my side #

# I could be a queen, dear, uncrowned #

# Humble or poor, rich or renowned #

# There is nothing I couldn't do #

# If I had you #

Say, you haven't been on a gig

in a long time.

What's the celebration?

Blue Monday.

- I thought this might help.

- I'm sorry. Business?

Business.

- Pretty swank.

- Thank you.

Hard to realize you're the same Dusty

I met a million years ago.

You let too much time pass

between visits.

You've come a long way in

that million years.

Thanks to a guy named O'Neill.

You know, in one way I don't think

I've moved an inch.

- What way is that?

- Toward you.

It's sort of hard trying to fight

somebody you've never seen.

Who is she, Terry?

- She's a gal you dreamed up.

- She seems awful real to me.

Why make yourself unhappy

imagining things?

Does she still seem so real?

It's beautiful.

I can't imagine anyone

more suited to it.

It looks as if it were

made for me.

I'm sure the jeweller had

you in mind.

To us.

- Can you rack this table for rotation?

- Sure thing.

Nice little place, do you own it?

That's me, gents.

And that's me, gents.

You see my name on the outside,

The Snarp's Pool Room.

I always figured I'd like to own

a little business like this.

- Easy work, huh?

- Soft touch.

Of course it takes intelligence

to run it.

But I could see at a glance

that you gents got that.

How's profits?

Just like hitting the jackpot

and a slot machine.

- This place looks good.

- Yes.

Ideal neighborhood.

You know, the way I've been feeling,

the right offer might tempt me to sell.

- Why sell a gold mine?

- Well, my health's been kinda failing.

I figured I'd sorta retire

to my range in Peoria.

Look. Solid oak.

- A little chipped around the edges.

- Oh, that makes it more homelike.

- Looks kinda shabby to me.

- That ain't shabby, that's antique.

Strictly high-class clientele.

Every man a perfect marksman.

You know, you'll go a long ways before

you find a crowd easier with a buck.

- Would it support both of us?

- Oh, you're gonna be partners, hm?

Yeah.

- Maybe we could find a sideline.

- No, I don't think that would work out.

Take over for me, Eel, will you?

With a layout like this you can't miss.

The boys is horse crazy.

Bet on anything.

- Sounds good.

- Sit down.

And of course, if they got up and left,

sell them a chance in the numbers racket.

And there's always the bar.

- This is what we're looking for.

- No doubt about it.

It's a steal at any price.

- Just one hitch. Cops.

- Oh.

Cost you a grand extra.

- But I'll set you in solid before I pull out.

- Oh, that's swell.

Why, there ain't a badge in town

I can't do business with.

I'll never forget one wise

flatfoot turned me in.

I had him bust...

Badges, huh?

- You dirty coppers!

- Come on!

- You flatfooted...

- Let's get out of here!

Say, wait a minute.

Come on, man.

You can't do this to me!

Hey, look! I'll have you guys

so far out in the country...

...the woodpeckers'll be eating

your nightsticks.

Come on.

Lt. Morrow of the police department

is on the phone again.

Says Snarp keeps rattling the bars

and insisting you're his pal.

Okay.

Sorry, Lieutenant, Mr. O'Neill

never heard of the Snarp.

- Terry can't do this!

- Won't you ask him just once more?

Okay.

It's apt to mean my job.

- No.

- Now, before you throw me out.

- It's Snarp's third rap.

- No, no dice.

And I told Eel and Fishface

to keep out of this office.

Okay, boss. I guess I'll have to turn

them over to Dismas.

What?

Dismas. My cousin, Father Nolan, runs

a retreat near Baltimore.

- How's business?

- Sellout.

He figures there's not much of anything

St. Dismas can't do for a mug in trouble.

He's the good thief who was also

crucified on the Calvary.

Patron saint of hoodlums

and down-and-outers.

Hoodlums and down-and-outers?

- Well?

- Well, St. Dismas...

Eel, what do you think's happened

to Terry?

He never used to be like this.

I wish he was broke with us

back in Baltimore.

Money sure changes people.

How would you know?

Thanks, Cy.

You've given me an idea.

I think I have a little job for Dismas.

You take this and square Snarp's

rap tomorrow.

What good will that do?

Well, if Snarp buys St. Dismas

and thinks he's sprung by him,

he'll stop pulling the things

that get him into jail.

Not bad.

Then the pool hall will take care

of the mugs.

And they'll be out of my hair.

Oh, what a gag.

Isn't it sort of risky fooling

around with religion?

Charity's part of religion. And what you've

got in your hand buys plenty of charity.

And remember. Snarp will

be sprung by St. Dismas.

Right.

- Well, that's settled.

- Shall I tell the boys anything?

Hm?

No. I've got it.

Fishface! Eel!

This way, boys, he'll see you.

You... you gonna help him?

Boys, I'm sorry.

But this time it's gonna take somebody

bigger than me to help Snarp.

Who? There ain't nobody

bigger than you.

Who are you talking about?

Dismas.

Now listen carefully.

Because you've got to repeat every

bit of this to the Snarp.

We won't miss a word.

Dismas can really get Snarp

out of the clink?

It's a cinch.

If Snarp will talk to him.

And if the talk turns out all right.

Jesus was on the cross.

And the spikes was cutting

through his hands.

And the Roman soldiers they was

sh**ting crap for his clothes.

And there was two other guys

on the crosses.

Both of them thieves.

One of them was Justus

and the other was Dismas.

That's our man, Dismas,

the right guy.

All of a sudden, Justus says to Jesus,

come on if you're such a big shot,

why don't you save us?

Why don't you do something for us?

And Jesus didn't say nothing. Even when

Justus called him everything in the book.

Dismas turned to Justus and said,

leave him alone, we got this

coming to us.

But this guy, he's been framed.

He's up here on a bum rap.

Then... Dismas says to Jesus,

I ain't much, pal, he says,

I've been a bum and a thief

all my life.

But... well...

when you gets upstairs, would you

kind of remember me?

And Jesus said,

"Today thou shalt be with

me in paradise."

And ever since that, Dismas

has been a saint.

And he sits up there and puts in a good

word for mugs and hoodlums.

Terry says St. Dismas is the only guy

who can help you beat this rap.

Terry says you should talk to him.

Promise him you'll go straight.

Down on my knees?

Any way you feel comfortable,

Terry says.

For years now Terry and me

has been great friends.

He's pulled me out of a lot of holes.

But this stuff you're giving me, talk.

Nothing but patter and words.

That's what Terry sends me when I want help.

Go on, get out the both of you.

Get out!

What's going on here?

Get these heels out of here

before I m*rder them!

- But Terry says...

- Get out, get out!

Alright, come on.

So you told Snarp the story

about St. Dismas.

- Yeah, just like Terry told it to us.

- Ah, wise up, stupid.

All them big guys are runouts.

Get on that griddle and they're ready

with a wisecrack but not with the dough.

- But Terry...

- Ah, you can have your hotshot Terry O'Neills.

Come on, Eel.

Holy smoke!

For the love of Mike!

Snarp!

What happened? How'd you do it?

I was just sitting there

in the iron bed, wondering, thinking.

Thinking about him.

And what I said to him.

And they come and open me door...

Snarp, the copper says,

you're free.

Me, free.

I just stood there, I couldn't move.

Scram, the copper says.

And I scrammed.

And here I am, sprung.

Sprung by a saint.

- Good morning, Trina.

- Good morning, partner.

Partner, since when?

You're looking at the sole owner of twelve

shares of East Coast Commodities.

No!

- How are we doing?

- Oh, we're prosperous.

Mr. Terry, I've got a gilded

investment for you.

Slim Lady in the fourth

of Washington Park.

Put ten on the nose for luck.

Going up.

How many people in this building

are playing the market?

Everybody in the country's buying

stock, Mr. Terry.

You know, this 1929 is better

than last year.

Already the barber's made $11,000.

And not a throat cut in town.

Hello, Terry?

Hey, look, I had a little argument

with a guy at the ball park.

He tried to tell me that government bonds

were better than East Coast Commodities.

Yeah, that's what I told him.

You'll be down here this afternoon?

Okay! So long!

- Well, come on.

- What did he say?

Boys, with Terry O'Neill and St. Dismas

plotting for us, how can we lose?

- Yeah, but what did he say?

- What did he say we gotta do?

A few more months of this

and we'll be looking for yachts.

Never mind them yachts.

Do we toss the lettuce in or don't we?

Come on, Snarp, what gives?

Just imagine cruising them

tropical seas.

- Aw, come on, give.

- Do we get the green light?

Look, Terry says there's nothing better

than East Coast Commodities.

I never saw a prettier girl.

- Terry!

- Looking at a prettier sight.

Terry, I was... I'm overwhelmed.

Oh, just a little building I picked up.

It's a lovely pile of stone.

It's a lovely pile of girl.

Thank you.

I acquired the one just after

I lost the other.

I was on my way to see you.

You're too good to be true.

Do you want to pinch me?

- Thanks.

- Ouch.

It's really you.

- How long will you be in town?

- Until tomorrow.

It's a big city.

Have you engaged a guy, country girl?

I said I was on my way to see you.

That is, if an executive

vice-president has...

Oh, I have a jam-packed schedule.

But all of a sudden there's

nothing on it but you.

- How is Uncle Joe?

- He's well.

Yeah? And how's my favorite matron?

- Widow.

- No!

It happened quite a while ago.

Oh, I'm really sorry, Kay.

Well, to be honest it never was the

all-American marriage, especially for him.

Maybe that was my fault.

Maybe it never should have happened.

Aside from that, how are things?

- I can't complain.

- Sure?

Sure. I've been back on the paper

for two years.

Writing a column of chit-chat.

Oh, I'm no Halley's comet like you.

But a syndicate here is

handling my stuff.

That's my excuse for being in town.

Lovely fingers to mess around

in printer's ink.

Is that your future?

I don't think it would be any fun

to know the future.

No?

You know, this is the nicest thing

that's happened to me in years.

I've often thought about you

and all those dollars.

Well, they're still piling up.

And still the most important

thing in your life.

Oh, I sometimes think of other things.

- Want to go slumming?

- You're the guide.

Snarp's Pool Emporium.

Gents... and ladies.

We've all had favors from

the good thief.

And now we got a way

to pay him back.

The boys have elected me,

and Fishface, and Eel.

We have contacted the Reverend Miller,

Rabbi Meyerberg, and Father Duffy.

They're gonna hunt up the neediest

families and their flocks...

...and each year, on St. Dimas' day,

the names they give us will get

the nod from the good thief.

And now, the guy that made

all this possible,

and the best pal a mug ever had.

Terry O'Neill!

This is a wonderful thing.

I...

I'm very proud of every one of you.

And now, kick in, everybody.

Give till it hurts.

We only talk to you once a year.

So open up them shoes and dig out

that rainy-day dough.

Give for St. Dismas.

Alright folks, alright, put it

right in there.

Terry.

Right.

Gee, a hundred bucks!

I hope there's no glue on

those fingers.

# For he's a jolly good fellow #

# For he's a jolly good fellow #

# For he's a jolly good fellow #

# Which nobody can deny #

# Which nobody can... #

You gave me a nice surprise.

What's next?

Well, the license bureau's closed, but...

I know the chief clerk.

Lady, if I asked you,

would I be too late again?

That's a little too much of a surprise.

I lost you once through

my own foolishness.

If you make the lightning strike twice,

I'll be an awful mess.

How would Dusty feel about it?

Dusty?

The boys at the syndicate report

she's gorgeous.

- Did you expect me to turn into a monk?

- Not Terence O'Neill.

What would she say?

Why don't you ask her?

The Silver Web, please.

# Oh, how am I to know #

The boys at the syndicate

weren't wrong.

# If it's really love #

# That found its way here #

# Oh, how am I to know #

# Will it linger on #

# And leave me then #

# I dare not guess #

# At the strange happiness #

# For, oh, how am I to know #

# Can it be that love #

# Has come to stay here #

Good evening.

Miss Millard, Miss Lorisson.

Kay, Dusty.

How do you do?

- You sing beautifully.

- He's responsible for that.

Deep in the throat, warm,

intimate, he says.

Lots of heart.

You don't know your own strength.

You're travelling in nice company.

Something new?

An old skeleton from way back

in the closet.

He's hidden some very nice things away.

What a lovely bracelet.

Considering what was paid for it,

it should be.

I can imagine.

Shall I duck for the cellar

till the cyclone passes?

Oh now, don't deprive us of our fun.

I've always wondered what

you looked like.

I've done a little wondering

about you too.

I've always had a plan for this meeting.

But now that I've seen you,

it's no good.

What was it?

To do everything I could

to spoil things for you.

You're making a wonderful stab at it.

I used to lie there at night thinking,

What has she that I haven't?

I'm beginning to get the answer.

She has the man.

Back to the coal mines, Dusty.

Me and my torch.

- I'm sorry I met you.

- I'm sorry you feel that way.

Lots of bad luck.

Um... check, please.

And...

- She's pretty wonderful.

- Yes.

Were you much in love with her?

Love is a soap bubble.

Hard thing to put your finger on.

Seems pretty unfair.

It isn't a very fair world.

But Dusty's eyes have always been open.

And to harp a phrase from you,

it wouldn't have been the all-American

marriage, especially for her.

I see.

There... shall we go?

# Let's be the same #

# As when we started #

# I'm wrong #

# And I've learned my lesson #

# Somehow I... #

Hello, Mason. Look, get the man from the

florist shop up right away.

He sleeps in the basement, you know.

And...

Fill that bowl on the table in front

of the fireplace...

...with white roses.

Right, and hurry.

# You will come back #

# To me #

Secret of success.

Well, you, er... you step into

an elevator.

Someone presses the button

that says "up".

Of course it's better if you

do it yourself.

- Top floor.

- With you it would be the top floor.

A ride to the stars.

I hope you'll like where I live, lady.

My goodness!

- Like it?

- I can't see it.

Light's over here.

Terry! White roses!

I always keep a bowl of fresh

ones right there.

Oh, Cornwall, how sweet.

Oh... now I love it!

How do you like the sweep of that wall?

Very nice.

I had the best decorator in town.

Gave him carte-blanche.

Where in the world did he

ever find those?

They're lovely.

That little lady I acquired on my own.

Is it Ming?

- A Chinese goddess... of prosperity.

Yes, I know. If I hold her

and make a wish, will I get it?

You don't have to make a wish.

She represents my first million.

- Oh.

- And that one's my second.

I picked her up last week.

Just like that, a pick-up?

Oh, not her, she made me

work like a dog.

But I got her.

She's mine.

I see you've left room for a few more.

Yeah, there'll be quite a harem

the way things are going.

Terry, is it worth it?

Your ride to the stars?

Is it worth it?

Come here and I'll show you.

Something especially special.

Lady, I haven't a cloak to spread

at your feet.

I hope this might do.

Night, darkness, lights.

- Do you like it?

- Well, yes.

It all makes me a little dizzy.

Makes me feel as if I don't know whether

I'm standing on my head or on my feet.

- Why?

- Well, I'm a little mixed up.

Which is real to you, Terry,

the top floor or...

or the Pool Emporium...

...and the homely loveable mugs

and their devotion to a good thief?

- Dismas?

- You told me you gave him to them.

- Hm.

- Snarp told me too.

Such a look in his eye.

Sure I did, I gave him to him as a gag.

A gag.

Yeah, it was an easy way to comb

them out of my hair.

You made them believe something

you don't believe yourself?

What's the difference?

It seems like fooling around

with providence.

With you, angel, it would be heaven.

Marry me, Kay?

I'm afraid to.

Why?

Maybe I'm afraid of my rivals.

The ladies on the mantelpiece.

They'd be yours.

Your personal maids to get you

anything you could ask for.

Yes, but my husband would always

be flirting with the maids.

Hey, what's going on in that

head of yours?

It's not in my head, Terry.

It's just a feeling.

I don't know, you're 90%

of someone wonderful.

Who am I to ask for more?

You're kind and you're generous.

Why, you'd pay the highest price

for anything you wanted,

and you'd want it for just as long

as you wanted it.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm a little like the girl who...

...who insisted that her man

had purple eyes.

Your eyes are blue.

You're not going.

I'd better go before I start to cry.

Kay!

This doesn't make sense.

Is there someone else?

Yes, there is.

A fellow I met a long time ago...

...in a worn major's uniform.

His name was Cornwall.

Kay.

It's all right, I know my way out.

You press a button... that says "down".

I'm ruined, ruined!

- The worst panic in history.

- There goes my last dime.

- Give me one, kid.

- Still dropping.

Right through the basement.

Come on, you financier,

that'll be 12 cents.

I wonder what happened to Dismas.

And it's growing worse.

They're closed down.

Nothing left, not even a dime.

There's only one thing left for us,

we gotta see Terry.

- Yeah, he'll have an angle.

- Oh, sure!

The boss is sorry, but he's in the

same boat you are.

Yes, Marty?

Not at 38 points.

Well, that's that.

It's been nice knowing you, Marty.

Mart's headed for China.

And I'm headed for the cleaner's.

Anything I can quote you on, Terry?

Yes.

You can tell the world I'm sorry

I lost my dough.

Trina, how about...

What did I tell you?

People jumping out of windows

all over town...

...and Slim Lady just came in today at

Belmont Park and paid forty two bucks.

Maggie, you're a wise woman.

Don't ever change.

- That's the complete inventory.

- Thank you.

Mr. Martin okayed your offer.

We'll take over the furniture

and cancel the lease.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Er...

- May I have those?

- Why not?

Thank you.

It's the end of a beautiful friendship.

Is Mr. O'Neill in?

I hear they picked you cleaner

than a Christmas goose.

Oh, I don't know.

Let's see, I've got a pass

to the ballpark and, um...

- A buck sixty-three.

- Terry, you still have your friends.

And I'm no fair-weather canary.

There's no cage left, Dusty.

Not even a perch.

I can still make a buck

singing in saloons.

Terry.

Thanks, Dusty.

Those are nice words,

and I won't forget them.

But it's no dice.

Is it still Kay?

I'd like to meet my obligations

by paying my own way.

Okay, Terry.

If that's the way you want it.

Keep it, please.

It may come in handy to meet

your obligations.

I'm paying your own way.

It's still yours, Dusty.

- Ladies, this is the apartment.

- Oh, what a grand place!

And what a beautiful view.

Have you noticed the red and yellow,

it's so posh in red and yellow.

Oh, I do hope it's a nice apartment.

Madam, it's perfect.

Except for the mice.

- Hiya, Marty.

- Well, how are you, Terry?

- Sit down.

- Thanks.

What's on your mind?

Well, I'm looking for a job.

Look, there's no use beating

around the bush

Your name's got the death

case all over it.

The cry babies blame you

for losing their dough.

I lost mine too, didn't I?

But they've got to blame somebody.

They elected you and Malbery.

Why don't you try some other town?

I like the climate here.

I hand you one thing, Terry,

you don't cry.

My handkerchief's in the laundry.

Well.

Well.

Thanks, Marty.

Main floor.

- Snarp.

- Oh, I'll be back in half an hour.

Okay.

Terry!

Oh, Terry, gee wiz!

- Boy, it's good to see you.

- Well, right back at you.

We've been wondering

what happened to you.

- What have you been doing?

- Oh, I've been drifting around...

...on a long vacation.

You mean you ain't working?

Oh, that's terrible.

What ever drove you

to jock in an elevator?

Well, the pool room ain't

been doing so good...

...so I gave the boys my share.

With this job I can slip a handout

when they need it.

How'd you happen to hit

my old building?

I knew one day you'd walk

right through that door.

- Well, the place gives me the creeps.

- Well, come on, let's get out of here then.

You know, I've been reading a lot

nights about Dismas and things.

- Got it hard going?

- Yeah.

I talk to him too, going up

and down that shaft.

Did you ever try him?

I don't go for him.

I've been afraid of that.

It'd sort of be silly for me

to cop a plea with him.

He's a pretty right guy.

I put out a plea for you but you

should have spoke for yourself.

Who to?

Hey, O'Neill!

- Hiya, Ed.

- Terry.

This is the c*ck thing.

You've been on my mind for three days.

You'd better see a psychiatrist.

I'm heading for Paris on a dream job,

foreign correspondent.

Well, it couldn't happen to a

better newspaperman.

Thanks. You know, I could think of

a hundred guys to take my place.

But somehow you stuck in my mind.

- Are you on the level?

- You bet I am.

Well, you've got a boy.

Get in, we'll head for the office.

That's what I call service.

Well, Terry, how's it going?

Well, I...

I sat down here to write a market report

and another Dismas piece started coming out.

- I was wondering why.

- Have you seen this?

A man named Dempster McMurphy

in Chicago...

...has been writing about Dismas

for some time.

How many press agents does

Dismas need?

McMurphy's awfully good.

Listen.

"Tomorrow is the feast day

of St. Dismas,

the good thief who rolls the

outfield of eternity...

...making shoestring catches

of lost souls."

Dempster McMurphy.

"Making shoestring catches

of lost souls."

I don't know how you can top that.

Well, don't let it throw you, old boy.

- Oh, hello.

- Hello.

Hey, a guy just tells me this stuff

you write is literature.

Did he tell you why I write it?

Well, I thought more people should

oughta know about the good thief.

So I asked him to give you the nudge.

- Oh, you did, huh?

- Sure.

I can't stop thinking about

the way I got this job.

I know, wasn't I with you?

Automatic writing.

It's like being pushed by some

invisible hand.

And I don't like it.

The mugs say your stories helped the

collections in them tin cups a lot.

Look, Snarp, I told you.

I don't go for this the way

you and the mugs do.

If you didn't, you couldn't put

them words together.

Well, if I did, I'd swear he broke

me on purpose...

...so I'd end up writing this junk.

Could be.

Look, when things get into my hair,

I comb them out.

From now on, Dismas belongs to you.

You and Mr. McMurphy, the gentleman

who's writing about him in Chicago.

Dismas belongs to all of us.

Don't make me a partner.

You... you ain't gonna stop writing

about him, are you?

I'll never write another word

about him.

Oh, Terry, this is terrible.

Look, where are you going?

The Bankers' Convention

in White Sulphur Springs.

I beg your pardon, I don't mean

to be inquisitive but...

Are you feeling all right?

Yes.. I...

I think so.

May I get you a glass of water?

Oh no, thanks, I, um...

I'll get myself a glass of water.

Been under a strain lately?

I lost a double-header to

the ticker tape.

That seems to be a countrywide

epidemic.

Yes. Say, um... how soon can

I get out of here?

You know, I'm due at a bankers'

convention in...

The bankers I've seen lately

should be here with you.

You need a few months' rest.

I don't want to scare you.

But you can't keep on giving

yourself these lickings forever.

And remember, no mental conflict

or excitement.

My editor will love that.

What'll I do for entertainment?

We'll try our best to keep you amused.

- Ah, Father.

- Doctor.

Well, I hope you're feeling better.

Say, you were on the train with me.

I'm Father Nolan.

Cy Nolan's cousin.

Well then... this is your retreat.

- Near Baltimore.

- It is.

Well, this is one place I never

thought I'd be in.

Cy has written me quite

a lot about you.

Funny I start out for a bankers' convention

in White Sulphur Springs and wind up here.

I wonder if my friend Snarp

has his nose in this.

Snarp?

I don't believe I know him.

I'm beginning to wonder

whether I do.

Okay, lugheads, Dusty wants

to talk to you.

- She's putting us back on the cushion.

- What's the score, Dusty?

This is it short and sweet.

Those O'Neill articles have been helping

your collections, haven't they?

- Sure!

- I should say they have.

Well, the idea is to turn the St. Dismas

Fund into a gold mine and dig the gold.

From now on we're lifting 95c out of

every buck comes in the joint.

And there'll be plenty of bucks.

We'll get new cups, flashy signs,

more collectors,

reprint Terry's articles and pass them

around among the suckers.

Hit the big time, guys,

build this thing sky-high.

In thirty days we'll be loaded with dough

and on our way out of town.

Why, the dollars will be ringing in here

like the bells in the churches.

Well, they turned our St. Dismas

Fund into a racket.

- A racket?

- Yeah.

Collecting big dough and knocking

it down.

A lot of guys think you're in on it

and using them articles as a front.

- Do you think I'm in on it?

- Not if you say you ain't.

Well, consider it said.

I knew you wasn't.

Just wanted to hear them words.

But if things ain't squared right now,

the cops are moving in.

- Good.

- Father Duffy says it's bad.

Some newspaper guy is hot.

Can't you do something?

Look, Snarp,

I told you in my office how

I feel about Dismas.

I'm sorry, but...

Well, I tried.

Take care of yourself, Terry.

Goodbye, Father.

They'd never fall for this crooked stuff...

...if they hadn't found out you just

gave them Dismas as a gag.

I wish...

I wish you never told us about him.

Snarp!

That's my room over there

on the corner.

- Will you get my stuff together?

- Right!

This trip is bound to involve

excitement, strain.

The authorities will find some

way of working it out.

For your sake, don't go.

- I'm afraid I have to.

- You won't change your mind?

No, it's an obligation.

I have to meet it.

Miss Kay.

Hello.

Shall I keep right on driving, Cornwall?

- How much time have we?

- Not enough.

I'm beginning to find that out.

I heard you were here and I couldn't

keep away any longer.

- Why?

- Because I knew you were hurt and down.

Oh, I'm up, I'm charging again.

Not after another Chinese goddess.

Oh, no I was hit on the head

with two of them.

From now on I collect soap wrappers.

Terry darling in a major's uniform.

Is it really out of the closet?

Oh, I've even stopped combing

things out of my hair.

Hey, Terry! We gotta lam!

Lady, I've got to go to New York.

The mugs are in trouble again,

they need guidance.

Can I help?

No, this is something that's

just for me.

It's a mess I started and I've got

to try to clean it up.

Oh, Terry!

It's going to be quite a tussle.

But if things work out right,

maybe I'll... come back to Baltimore.

Maybe I'll try to stiff-arm Uncle Joe

out of a job and...

...build you an oriole's nest.

That's still a little high, isn't it?

How about a one-story nest

on the ground?

With no push-buttons that say

up or down.

That's what I meant.

But there ought to be one thing more.

You should have a clock in it.

A clock with no hands.

Why no hands?

So we'd never know

that time was passing by.

So it would always be right now.

Oh!

Bye!

So, you're the girl he tried

to keep hidden in his heart.

Bless you for that, Father.

But he doesn't look well at all,

letting Snarp carry his bag that way.

That's not like him, Father.

Well, he's still weak.

But I'm sure he gained strength

in the last few minutes.

Hey, Three Fingers, Three Fingers,

look who's coming.

- Hello, Terry.

- Well, what do you know.

All right, boys, no stalling.

Where is the Dismas money?

Why, Terry, don't you know?

It goes to the poor.

Look, The Charities Foundation Board

is on your tails.

Your one chance is to get that

dough back, all of it.

So kick in or go to jail.

Can you imagine that?

Accusing us of such a thing.

- Gee, you can search us, Terry.

- You won't find nothing.

Don't let that worry you, Terry.

If we go to jail, Dismas will spring us.

You know, just like he sprung

the Snarp.

I want that money! Where is it?

What are you picking on me for?

I ain't the only one.

Well!

Who's your tough friend, Three Finger?

And what are you doing

down here, slumming?

Dusty, if you're in on this

deal, get this.

Every Dismas nickel must be returned.

I learned all the answers from you.

Do you think I'm sap enough to let

anyone have anything on me?

Look, Dusty, you came up

the hard way.

Think of the people the Dismas Fund

gives hope to.

Get him.

When you started this Dismas

thing I warned you...

...about fooling around with religion.

You said religion's fat dough

in your hand.

We've got the dough.

Now don't tell me you've got religion.

Here are some of the families

you guys have helped.

This is Johnny Ryan. Eight months

in the Orthopedic Hospital.

Now he's back carrying his

paper route.

- How are you doing, Johnny?

- Swell.

Every morning we praise and

give thanks to him and you.

St. Dismas put the Cohens

on their feet.

Thanks.

And here's the two-hundred bucks.

And, uh...

- Some interest.

- Thank you very much for coming.

- Thank you.

- Goodbye.

Alright, kid.

Well, didn't it say anything

to you guys?

Well, didn't it?

Very touching scene.

Look, we used to be friends.

I guess the "used to be" is my fault.

But at least I learned a few

things along the way.

- How did you survive the shock?

- Here comes some more of them words.

Yes, that's right. Words like honesty,

hard work, truth.

Bugs, it's your shot.

Come on, boys.

Nine ball in the corner pocket.

Eel, Three Finger, get Fishface

and trail them.

Hey, Fishface, hurry up, come on!

Dismas, we ain't talked much lately.

But I hope you'll listen,

and I hope you'll answer.

Cause Terry here wants

a few words with you.

Well, what do you know.

I made my donation on Thursday

the 24th.

- The amount?

- Two hundred dollars.

Yes, that'll be all, thank you.

Thank you.

I've been next to this story for

three days, it's too good to miss.

Why don't you give me the figures?

I promised these gentlemen nothing

would be done until six o'clock.

You promised to abide by that

if we'd let you stay.

A few more minutes won't

hurt your story.

What happened at the pool room

after we left?

I'm sorry, gentlemen,

but I had no luck.

Mr. Samuels, I don't suppose there's

anything else we could do.

- Cover the shortage or...

- I'm afraid not.

Those people must be punished.

How did you run on to this

Dismas thing, O'Neill?

I hear there's talk the Dismas

Fund is crooked.

I've helped the mugs keep

things straight.

This book shows every penny

collected and paid out.

And there's the cash balance.

Well I'll be fried.

The balance is fifteen hundred

bucks short.

That went for eating and

sleeping money.

Dusty, I'm sort of tired

carrying this around.

Thanks.

This should hock for at least

three thousand dollars.

Anything over the shortage is on me.

Nice going.

Good day, gentlemen.

And of course we know the

history of this clock.

Its geneology, you might say,

from the moment it was built.

Pure Georgian, divinely pure Georgian.

And notice these traceries here.

I think they're most amusing,

don't you?

Oh, most, most.

And the case is so jolly,

don't you think?

It's almost a belly laugh,

in mahogany.

Stop, Cornwall.

I love it, we'll take it.

Oh, good for you. I know you'll

never regret it.

Oh, there's just one more thing.

We'd like you to take the hands off.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, take those horrid hands off.

Now.

We want to watch you, to be sure.

But for heaven's sake...

I mean, why?

So we'll never know what time it is.