13x05 - Last Action Zero

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today,
we're posing as trainees

at Playa Bowls in Bayonne.

While learning the job,
we'll have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

At the end
of the training session,

we'll ask the trainer to rank us
on a scale from 1 to 10.

Whoever gets the
lowest ranking loses.

Sal: Come on out, Murr.

Come on.

This is not the accounting
department, buddy.

You're actually just
in the trenches.

He thought he was being hired
by corporate.

How are you?
Hi. I'm Claudia James.

Claudia James. Yes.
Nice to meet you.

I'm slightly embarrassed.

I thought I had
gotten hired to,

like, work in a corporate office
for Playa Bowls.

I feel a little embarrassed.
Everybody has T-shirts on.

Is that okay?

Put it on right over it.

I'll just put it right over.
It's fine.

Yeah, it's totally fine.
It doesn't matter.

This suit jacket is under.
The jacket is great.

So how does
how does Playa Bowls work?

So our founders
used to go surfing in like

Nicaragua and like
all those...

They surfed in
Nicaragua?

They surfed
in Nicaragua?

Yeah.
Wow.

There's something about
his face, body, personality.

Like you could tell
him to say anything,

and it makes me laugh.

It's just
I haven't worked

a counter job since
I was a child.

As a child in Nicaragua.

As a child in Nicaragua.

You've been
to Nicaragua?

I have. Have you been?
No.

Oh, my gosh,
you have to go.

I try to get back
to "Ragua" anytime.

You know, I try to get back to
Ragua any chance I can get.

You have to go.

It's what they call it
for short?

Yeah. Ragua, Gua.

Ragua. Gua.

You can cut the word
in many ways.

I thought you
were in charge.

I thought you were
in charge.

It's not my shop, so...

Yeah, but she comes barging in
in the middle of our training.

She runs this place?

Excuse me. We're training.
Excuse me. We're training.

We're training.

It's okay.

Sal: I just want
to be excellent.

You know what it is?
I yearn to be excellent.

Can somebody
get that phone?

Can somebody get the phone?

Well, just because you're
the boss doesn't mean

you can't be told to go
scratch every once in a while.

You know,
just because you're the boss,

though, doesn't mean
you can't be told

to go scratch every once
in a while, you know?

Mm, but maybe
not with those words.

Maybe. But maybe.
Maybe you use those words.

No, don't say that.
Maybe we do that, though.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe we do that.

When you're from the Gua,
you call it straight.

When you're from the Gua,
you call it straight.

I swallowed
a pineapple whole.

I swallowed
a pineapple whole.

You seem insane.

Murr, just ask her
how you're doing so far.

On a scale of 1 to 10,

how do you think
I'm doing so far as an employee?




That is so much better
than he deserves.

Yeah.

They should hire us
for a national ad campaign.

Yeah, it should be me.

It wouldn't be you.

I'm the healthiest
looking one.

You could Frankenstein
a perfect

spokesperson from us.

It'd be Sal's hair.

Your body, my d*ck.
We're ready to go.

Okay. All right.
All right, Q-bert.

And your name is Morgan?
Morgan.

I want to thank you
for not making it weird.

I want to thank you
for not making it weird.

No.
Of course.

It's just crazy
that they have you training

your replacement.

It's just crazy
that they have you training

your replacement,
it's odd.

Oh.
Oh, forget I said anything.

Forget it. I must have
misunderstood something.

So you can get
your gloves on.

Okay. I got this.

Is your hand still wet?

It doesn't feel like it.

What do you mean?

So if I touch my own
clothes, I got to wash my hands?

You can't touch your face, you
can't touch your hair, nothing.

Okay. Hold on, hold on.

Alright, touch your beard and
say, "Okay, now let's do this."

All right. Okay.
So what are we doing?

You just touched
your face.

What do you mean? No.
I saw it.

I didn't touch my face.
What are you talking about?

Murr: Go wash
your hands again.

Oh, my God.

Then come back and put
your hands through your hair.

Okay.

Let's do it.
Let's...All right.

Okay. Here we go. Okay.
All right, here we go.

Um...

I hate to tell you this.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh.
Have you had the mango globo?

Have you had the

mango globo by
any chance?

I personally
don't like mango.

You don't like mango?

I think the mango global

Morgan: Now that you work here,
you can have it.

You don't think
the mango global

It so good.

Murr: You ever wish
you were a fruit?

You ever wish you were
a fruit?

No.
No.

Sometimes I wish I was
a mango.

Why a mango?

'Cause it

'Cause it

Dude, you want
to get a score from her?

Like, how would you say
I'm doing on a scale

of 1 to 10 so far?

I'll give you...
I'll give you a six.

What?!
Oh

Come on!
Deal.

No.
Oh.

Elbow.
Yeah!

Sorry. Was it Malachi?
Malachi.

Nice to meet you.
Okay.

Sal, just so you know, like
you are getting married tonight.

Do you know what time
we would wrap up this shift?

Because I'm getting
married tonight.

You're getting
married tonight?

Yeah, I just
wanted to squeeze in

the Playa Bowls training
pre-wedding.

Usually training's
like five, four hours.

I might miss
the c*ck hour.

Oh. So I might
miss the c*ck...

This is
the cocoa craze, right?

Okay.
So this is the cocoa craze.

Yeah, this is
the coconut.

This is so hard.

This is so hard.

That's your go to
every time you get overwhelmed.

Oh, you're weighing it?
Wait.

There's granola in there,
and you're weighing it.

And it still says zero?

Yeah, 'cause you
turn it off first.

Okay.

This is confusing.

Put a period
between the words.

If you're off a little,
you take some back out.

Yeah, take some out.

Catchphrase, yeah.

Invite him to
the wedding, Sal.

And then also, like,

obviously, I want you
to come to my wedding.

I obviously want
you to come to my wedding

if we're going to spend
this whole shift.

I mean,
I appreciate the offer, but...

If you don't have plans,
I could use a...

Groomsman?

Best man.

Well...

Sal: If you don't have plans,
I could use a...

Groomsman?

Murr: Best man.

A groomsman,
a best man.

You don't have
a groomsman?

Well, if we're gonna
spend the whole shift together,

I'm just saying.

Okay, so let's do this.

Is it okay
to touch the customers?

Under what circumstances
can we touch customers?

Not at all.
Not at all?

So there's not a circumstance
where I can touch them?

I mean...

I'll tell you right now,
Malachi.

I'm gonna touch 'em.

I just feel like

I'll tell you right now...

What?

...I'm gonna touch 'em.

I'm gonna touch 'em,
the customers.

I'm gonna touch 'em.

I mean...

Sorry. I'm just nervous.
I'm getting married tonight.

Yeah, I understand.

No, I saved myself
for marriage.

And tonight's the night.

I save myself.
Huh?

I saved myself
for marriage.

Oh.
So tonight is it.

Oh, this is it?
Yeah.

Well...

You know,
'cause tonight...

Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.

If you had to rate me,
like, 1 to 10,

how I performed?

Like 3.

A 3?!

Oh! Suck me

I'll miss
the c*ck hour,

but I should be my wife
by about 11:30.

Narrator: Looks like
Sal just picked up another shift

on the loser board.

Today we're at Olly Olly,

giving out cards
for our weird businesses,

which of course have
been created by the other guys.

After handing them
our business card,

we'll have to convince them
why they'd benefit

from whatever
service it is that we offer.

If you can't
get someone

to keep your business card,
you lose!

Murr: All right, Q, go for
this guy in the green hat. Okay?

They tell you
you're enjoying drinks,

but they ain't open yet.

I came in for a beer.
They're not even open yet.

Yeah, I know.
I'm Tony, by the way.

Nice to meet you guys.

But yeah,
here's actually my card.

Uh...

Professional rascal,
my friends.

Well, let me ask you.

Do you have a need
for a rascal in your life?

Oh. You don't?
No? No need at all?

Really? Because sometimes, like,
guys go to, like, Atlantic City,

they're like, "Ah,
we're all a little boring.

Let's get a professional rascal
in here to mix things up."

I'm the straw
that stirs the drink.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.
And I do it professionally.

You know, the Obamas
almost at a show on me.

Yeah.

A little too controversial?

I did take the rascling
a little too far

in a government
situation,

and the Secret Service
didn't like it so much.

But I said, "Hey,
you hire rascal, get a rascal,

you know what I'm saying?"

So the Obama deal
fell through.

You two look like you
need my services.

You guys are
so laid back.

You guys look
like you need a rascal.

Really?

I think this guy is sewed
into the couch.

Bro, are you
sewed into the couch?

You got to get up.
You got a rascal...

There we go.

No, no, no, no.

I work very hard,
and I have a cold.

Oh. What do you guys do?

Horticulture.

Oh, my God,
that's so amazing.

I'm a wh*re for
culture, too.

But I always say
I'm a wh*re for culture, too.

So I get it.

That's the sort of
rascally stuff

that you're going to get
from me all night, see?

You want to take
the card just in case?

He will.

Oh!

Hey! All right.

Murr: Good job, Q.

I can tell we're gonna
have some fun.

Good luck.

Good luck
for the horticulture, guys.

Talk to you guys later.

Excuse me, sir.
I saw you from across the bar.

I'm a businessman.
I own a business.

I'm a businessman,
I do business, I own a business.

And I thought
it might be helpful to you.

I pay cash for mole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, some people pay cash
for houses or for cars.

I pay cash for mole.

Do you have any
you think would be useful?

What is mole?

A mole, a mole, a mole.

You know, like a mole.

Like a mole.
It's like a mole.

Say it three times fast.
He'll get it.

Like a mole, mole, mole. Like
you say it three times fast.

You'll get it.
Like a mole, mole.

Like a mole. Like a mole,
you know a mole. Like a mole.

It's a mole.
I pay cash for mole.

You got a mole,
I pay cash.

Sure.

I'll pay you cash
right now if you got the mole.

Why do you
get cash for moles?

Well, that's my business,
not yours.

Okay. No. Sure.
Yeah, that's my business.

And I'm very successful.

I'm very successful.

Really?

Actually, something
I've been meaning to, um...

I work for the city, so I just
got new, like, insurance.

You've been meaning
to get cash for mole?

Hold on.

You've been meaning
to get cash for mole?

Not get cash for it.

Is this not serendipity?

It is.
We're meant -- you'll take it.

All right. Great. Great.
Great, great.

Wow!

Could I see, get
a glimpse of the merchandise,

as they say?

Oh, ka-ching.

Ka ching, ka ching,
ka ching.

You are gonna make
us both rich.

All right, ready, boys?

Murr: Oh, yeah.

I couldn't be more ready.
Here we go.

This gentlemen.

If you don't mind, I don't
mean to interrupt you mid-bite.

Uh, I have a business
that I thought

that maybe you might be
interested in.

I'm a...

I have a business
you might be interested in.

I'm a...I'm a Michael Jordan
impersonator and lookalike.

I do, like,
bachelor parties,

children's parties,
athletic events.

Like I do like the,
you know, like the...

I don't look like
him now.

I don't look like him now,
but I have a process that I do.

It's not offensive.

And it involves his uniform.

And then it also involves
sneakers.

Um, a basketball.

Man: And I dunk
like a mother

A change in mind set.
I dunk like a mother

And then, also...

I do have a bald cap.

I have a bald cap.

You're skirting
around the big issue, buddy.

And then there's
like one more secret,

like, thing that I do last.

Yeah,
he keeps skirting around.

If you, um...
if you have any need ever.

He's the greatest
of all time.

He's the GOAT, his airness,
you know.

And I swear,

if I did everything,
including that last step...

And I walked in here,
I would be swarmed.

The last step is
proprietary information.

The last step is... the last
step is proprietary, what I do.

It's like a secret
recipe.

Just imagine...


Just imagine...
...I mix together.

Just imagine...
Shut the up, Murray.

Just imagine the uniform,
the sneakers, the ball,

the attitude, the tongue,
and then number 23.

And then that last
proprietary step.

It's like the colonel's
secret recipe.

I can't tell you what it is,

but I did mention -- I mentioned
the bald cap.

The bald cap.

If you need
anybody of this nature,

I'm like one
of the only people that do it.

Okay. Thank you.

Have a wonderful day.
You too.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
Pleasure to meet you.

He took the card!

Murr:
That last tricky step.

Just keep mentioning this vague
last step that will never...

Thinks he knows
the last step.

That was great.

Narrator: All the cards are
on the table,

and Sal is tonight's big loser.

All right,
Sal has lost.

We are here at Acting and Voice
Studios in Brooklyn,

where Mr. Bong is going to
be recording a new series

of self-defense
training videos.

Who's Mr. Bong? Me?

You are.

Bong!

Bong!
That's it, that's it.

All right, Mr. Bong.
Start your self-defense class.

We wrote your
intro, bud.

Hello?
I'm Eddie Bongiorno.

But those who know me
well call me Mr. Bong.

I'm a former Navy Seal with
over six years in the Teams.

These videos will teach you
not only how to defend yourself.

Can I make
a suggestion?

Oh, what is that?

Pretend you're talking to me
or somebody else.

You're getting notes.

Sure.
To establish.

Yeah. Think of you.

So it feels a little
more familiar.

You can look at me.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

To assist me first,
I will bring in Marilyn.

I don't start fights.
I finish them to death.

I don't start fights.
I finish fights...to death.

Now notice something.
Marilyn is holding a wine glass.

That's a weapon.
That's a weapon right there.

Sal, you want to pick up
the corkscrew?

But I need my own weapon.

I've already assessed
this room and know

that the bartender had just
opened a bottle of Chardonnay,

which means that there is
a corkscrew right here.

So she's going to hit me here.

I slap this down,
and I'm going bong in the eyes.

I go bong in the neck,
bong nose, bong ears, bong...

All the orifices.

And all the privates.
All the orifices.

I want to stick this corkscrew
into every orifice that...

You think she's going to take
a swing back.

You think she's
going to take a...

I'm going to want to drive
this corkscrew into,

at this point, if
I'm being attacked with glass,

every orifice Marilyn has.

So, do you think...

So let me just think.

I want to say what...
Okay.

Do you think she's taking
another punch

with a corkscrew
in her an*s?

Okay.

Do you think Marilyn will be
able to take another swing at me

once this corkscrew is
up her an*s?

No. She has bigger problems.

That's all your
defenseless orifices.

Marilyn,
it's all about her an*s.

His only approach is putting
things in people's an*s.

That's all he can do.

That's your only defense.

It always ends up there.

It always ends with something
up someone's an*s.

That's the Bong method.

Alright, hold on.

My glasses.

Before I light Marilyn
on fire,

keep in mind
what I want to do here.

Because there's three things
I could do.

I know the end.
I know the end.

I know the end.
I know the end.

I know the end.

Let's just say now we're in
a high pressure situation, okay?

It's just hand to hand combat.

I'm going to try
to slip back out of the way.

Now, he has a lot
of areas exposed,

but he's expecting me
to hit him from here.

Sal, drop to the ground.

What I'm going
to do is spin.

I'm going to drop.
I'm going to go right here.

I'm going to go boom,
boom, bong, bong, bong,

bong, bong, bong, bong...

Now he's on his way down
to Floor Town.

Now he's on his way down to
Floor Town. Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna keep hitting
his Honey Bunches of Oats.

And now while he's here,
I'll just turn over and be like,

bong, bong, bong,
bong, bong, bong.

All right, Sal,
let's move on to the hospital.

We're going to be doing
a surprise attack

in a medical situation.

Sal, put the guy
into the hospital bed.

Garrick, let's have you
in the hospital bed.

And Carol's attacking.
You're visiting your husband.

Woman: I think maybe
you're visiting your husband.

Visiting my husband?
Okay, great.

He stepped
on a landmine.

He stepped on a landmine.

Oh, okay.
So...

Okay, um...

Am I gonna
say anything?

Right now, I think you're just
going to be...

Just "I love you."

And action.

What's the first thing
you remember before it happened?

Do you remember
who I am?

Do you remember
our first date?

You don't.

So you don't remember
our first...date?

Our first kiss.

Do you remember that
we live together.

We just found
a beautiful place

On Long Beach Island.

On Long Beach Island.

It's a co-op.

We got
a favorable mortgage rate.

Long Beach Island,
it was a co-op.

We got a favorable
mortgage rate.

We signed a 15-year variable
at 4.25,

which in today's market
is insane.

Do you remember
me kissing the nape of your neck

on our first date?

You don't remember
our first evening together even?

No.
Okay.

Murr: I had Merlot.

Tell me what you
remember.

I nuzzled in the nape
of your neck.

About anything.

When the is this
assassin coming in?

Murr: Carol is still sitting
there as an assassin.

Okay, you don't remember that
thing I do that drives you wild?

Send in the assassin.
Murr: Cue Carol.

Bong!

Send in
the assassin.

Murr: Cue Carol.

Bong!

Bong!

Shhhhhhh.

So now she's discombobulated.

The last thing I want to do

is probably a full body
attack, right?

Nose, n*pples, nuts.
That's the rhombus of death.

So I'm gonna go
bong, bong, bong, bong, bong.

Rhombus of death.
Rhombus of death, right?

You got nose, nips, nuts.

So what happened here?
Carol didn't have a weapon.

Okay? Carol, can you pick a
weapon that you like over there?

Action!

Okay. Now I'm being...
I feel a presence behind me.

Okay, so now I'm being
now pulled back.

She's got piano wire.

The piano wire is
around my neck fairly tight.

Remember Mr. Bong's
rhombus of death

is nose nips nuts or...
or similar.

Right? So what I can reach for
is similar.

Goes right
for Carol's nuts.

So I'm not getting nose.
I'm not getting nips.

I'm going to go right down
to similar,

and I'm going to
like start just...

All right, Sal, let's move
on to the kitchenette scene,

and let's bring
everyone in.

And now for the greatest fear
of every American --

gangs,
a ruthless, ruthless g*ng.

Every one of them has a weapon.

Let's get
this started.

I'm stepping.
I'm side stepping.

I'm hitting the g*n this way.

Taking them from behind.

I take this,
and then bong, bong, bong.

He has -- I swipe back, Bong.
I blow his brains out.

Boxing.

Bong! Bong!

Bong! Bong! Bong!

Bong! Bong! Bong!

Bong!

Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

Aah!

Aah!

Snap his neck.

Aaaah! Bong!

When push comes to push,

even the elderly
can be a threat.

Snap their neck. Bong!

Ladies, listen up.
Never leave the house

without a pocket full of sand.

Bong! Bong!

If you're like me,
you're cool and calm.

But also on edge 24/7!

Bong!
Bong!

You heard about registering
your hands and deadly weapons?

Well, I looked into it.
It's actually a lot of red tape.

I could do it, but seriously,
it's a lot of paperwork

that you have to do online,

and I'm in between computers
at the moment.