13x06 - A Ruff Day at the Park

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're at this iconic
New York City brownstone,

hanging out the window,

having a heated argument
with our "wife."

We'll be furiously tossing
our wife's belongings

out the window,
but, uh-oh,

We unintentionally tossed out
something ridiculous

that belongs to us.

The goal is
to convince a passerby

to return this discarded item
back up to you.

If you can't get someone
to help you out, you lose.

I hope he falls out
the window.

Oh.

Sal, Q, you ready?

Ready, bud.
So here we are,

in a house that none of us
could ever afford.

We have our friend

and often collaborator,
Phoebe Kilmoon.

Phoebe and I have broken up.

I've got all her stuff here,

and I'm tossing it
out the window.

Gave me the finger.

There you go, Phoebe.

Excuse me.

Can you help me load this up
in my car?

Of course.
I got you.

-Thank you so much.
-Oh, here we go.

Here you go. Sorry.

I'm sorry to have to see this,
bro.

Do not even try
to come back in this house.

-What?

Murr: I don't want her
in the house.

Phoebe, "Oh, chill out,
you hairless snake."

Chill out,
you hairless snake.

Alright.

You bald, COOFANDY-clad
mother

You bald, COOFANDY
mother

Alright, Murr,
throw out your own item,

a full-sized body pillow
of yourself.

Geez.

Alright, alright.
Take your pillows.

Take everything.

Not mine.

Wait a minute. Give those back.
Those are my body pillows.

Those are my --
-Um...

Buddy, do me a favor.
Don't --

I accidentally threw out
my body pillows.

I don't -- I mean, I don't
think I want to touch them.

Bro code.

I need you

to throw my photo-accurate
body pillows of myself --

that I sleep with --
back up to me right now.

He makes love
to them.

I do not make love
to my own body pillows.

They're just for comfort.

Please throw my body pillows
up to me.

I need them.

Actually,
I might get one of those

just so I can beat
the out of him.

I-I-I-If -- If this was --
the situation was reversed,

and you accidentally
threw out

your own photo-accurate
body pillows of yourself --

He's getting them.
He's getting them!

Throw them. Throw.

That's the one
he humps the most.

Ugh.

"Sir,
I dry-cleaned them.

They're no longer
fluid-soaked."

I dry-cleaned them, sir.
They're no longer fluid-soaked.

Could you? Yes. They're fine.
They're totally clean.

Thank you, buddy.

He gets it.
"Thank you, The Weeknd."

Thank you, The Weeknd.

The Weeknd?

Murr, hump one
out the window.

Try to get him
to bring it up again.

Uh, sir,
I humped it out the window.

I'm sorry.

Can you toss that
back up to me?

Murray, "I already started,
I got to finish."

I already started,
I got to finish.

Can you finish with the --
with the window closed, though?

Murr, hump the other one, and
make eye contact with the guy.

Stop.

Murray,
"So long, weirdo."

So long, weirdo!

It's over, baby.

-Stop it. Oh, my --
-That's right. Here you go.

Could you just hold this
for a second?

-Yeah, sure.
-He's throwing all my --

You might want to watch out
who you're helping, lady.

She's not what we call
a -- a good person.

We just broke up.

Murr: Throw those, uh,
DVDs out the window.

"One Tree Hill."

- That's right.
-Take it all. Take it --

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh.

Those are mine.
That's mine. That's mine,

that -- that "One Tree Hill"
DVD collection.

It's too late.

Look at this.

These are his "One Tree Hill"
pajama bottoms.

Yes,
I'm gonna need those back.

Come on. You know
how important that is to me.

Do you guys want these?

Hey,
can you throw me those back?

Come on.

I-I know there's
some sisterhood going on here,

but throw me that DVD, please!

Why, "Okay, girl"?

-Sorry, Q.

Hey, sir, sir, I need a man
in my corner.

Sir, can you throw me up
that "One Tree Hill" DVDs?

Yeah, the --
the "One Tree Hill" season.

One by one. Thank you.

-Good job. My God.
-Wow.

And that's
a Chad Michael Murr-- Murray --

I got that at a convention.
He wore it for me in a photo.

Oh, don't smell it.

The women wouldn't do it,
but Q got a bro.

You know what that was?
That was -- That was --

That was guys
understanding the power

of "One Tree Hill."

Murr: Alright, Sal.

So, let me just start
by saying...

...take your jorts.

Those are capris.

I'm gonna give you
everything.

Just let me inside.

Excuse me. Can you hold this
for a second?

"She keeps buying snack cakes,
and it's k*lling my insides."

She keeps buying snack cakes,
and it's k*lling my insides.

Phoebe:
Oh, my God.

This guy will not have
any self-control

with snack cakes.

We're talking Little Debbie.

Little Debbie.
Am I a Little Debbie wh*re?

Yes, I'm a Little Debbie wh*re.

Right now, I just need you
out of the house...

-Can you hold this?
-...and that's -- I -- I --

I love her to pieces,
but we're breaking up,

and I just need her
out of the house right now.

-I'm very sorry.
-He loves me to pieces.

Sal, we planted
a Rastafarian hat

for you to throw out.

I don't even understand
what the -- Wait, wait! Oh, no!

-Oh!

Murr: Sal, we planted
a Rastafarian hat

for you to throw out.

I don't even understand
what the -- Wait, wait! Oh, no!

-Uh-oh.
-Oh, no. That's mine.

That's mine.
That's my Rasta hat with dreads.

Phoebe:
Um, it's up to you.

Sir, that's my --
that is my inoffensive --

No, no, no, no.
Please, don't trash it.
Oh!

Ah, he's not doing it,
bud.

Sir, please, please.
Yes. No, it's okay.
Oh, my gosh.

Here. Hold on.

He thinks it's gonna
make him look cool clubbing.

Oh, gosh.

Please throw me
my Rastafarian hat.

No, sir,
if you would just understand.

We love each other.
I don't want to fight, sir.

Sir, I've had that dreadlock,
Rastafarian,

inoffensive hat
for six months.

"Inoffensive." He's trying
to slip in "inoffensive."

-When I go to a party...
-Yeah.

...I-I wear that,
the whole party comes alive.

I can't get that.
That's irreplaceable.

You can't get that anywhere.

Accidentally
'cause I thought it wa--

I thought it was her clothing.

-Wow.

Look at me.
I get parties started.

It's what I do.

I-I have to go to a party
this Saturday,

and how is that party
supposed to get down

if I don't have my inoffensive
Rastafarian dreadlock hat?

Please throw it back.
This bomboclat won't do it.

I'm sorry. I won't.

-Oh-h*-h*!
-Oh, a straight-up no.

You know what?

Now you're gonna pay.

-He's having a temper tantrum.
-Everything. Everything.

Just know that, Saturday night,
the party's gonna be dud,

and it's your fault.

Narrator:
Looks like Sal loved and lost,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, while shopping
at Livoti's Old World Market,

we'll be taking part
in a taste-test survey.

While standing next
to another shopper,

we're gonna have to sample
a brand-new snack

and answer some questions
about how it tastes.

But here's
the secret ingredient --

our answers will be given to us
by the other guys,

and whoever smirks
the most loses.

What the hell, man?
Was sh**ting an intro here.
Come on, man.

Alright, Murr.

Sal: Today,
we got our boy Chase,

who will be conducting
the taste test.

You can't talk
about Chase

without talking about
what a charmer he is.
No, sir. No, sir.

So we're --
I'm doing a survey today.
Are you do--
Are you doing surveys?

-Yeah.
-Can I join?

Yeah, I can do two --
two -- two at once.

So what I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna have you each,

uh, try the first one.
-Okay.

I'm gonna ask you
some questions about it.

-Alright.
-Here we go.

How do you discover
new snacks?

A lot of times it's by,
um, someone suggesting.

Okay,
what about you, sir?

I got him
on this one.

"Oh, co-workers try to hide
them in their little drawers,

but if snack there,
I find."

Oh, co-workers try
to hide them in their drawers,

but if snack there, I find.

-"They call me..."
-They call me...

"...La Cucaracha."

"...La Cucaracha."

Okay.

Because I go through
their drawers, you see?

So answer me this.

How do your
snacking habits change

when you're at home
verse on vacation?

-"Uh, that's easy."
-That's easy.

"When I vacay, it's slop city
with my boys, the Cram Crew."

When I vacay, it's...

When I vacay,

it's slop city for the boys.
We're the Clam Crew.

You know, with my boys.
-Cram. Cram.

The Clam -- When I --
When I -- When I --

When I vacay, it's like
slop city with my boys,

-The Clam Crew.
-Cram. Cram. C-R.

When I -- When I vacay,

it's like slop city
with my boys, the Cram Crew.

"We the Cram Crew."

We the Cram Crew.

We the Cram Crew.

So go to number four.

We're considering
renaming this snack.

What would you call it?

Pop Variations.

-Ah.
-Pop Variations.

-Mm. Not bad.
-That's pretty good.

What about you, sir?

Elf Scat.

Uh, Elf Scat.

You know, like elf shits.

For the holidays.
Elf Scat.

Elf Caca.

Elf Caca.

Elf Caca.

Write that one down.
Elf Caca.

Murr, all you do is laugh.

This is -- We got him.
We got him.

How do you feel
about the fact

that these are packaged
overseas?

"These shits is Chinese?"

"These shits is Chinese?"

"This scat's Chinese?"

This scat -- This c--
This scat's Chinese?

Chinese caca?

Would you be ap--
open to sharing

some childhood memories
about snacking?

Murr, go, "Sure."

-Sure.
-"Perhaps over dinner?"

Perhaps. Sure.

Sure.

Perhaps over dinner?

How's, uh, 7:00?

Sal: Here we go.

What are you doing,
a taste test?

Go ahead.
Take the first, uh --

You can try the first ones.

Alright,
so first questions up.

Aside from the main flavor,

what other notes
are you picking up on?

Hmm.

-"Oil."
-Oil, right?

-"Salt."
-Salt.

"Can I sniff your hands?"

Can -- uh, oil.

Sal:
That was a smirk.

C-Can I sniff
your palms real quick?

Sal:
He gives it to him.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

"That's the other taste
I'm getting."

Yeah, that's kind of
the taste I'm getting.

-"Hand."
-Hand.

How do you discover
new snacks?

New snacks always come from
the kids.

Murr: "Well,
I work at the car wash..."

Well,
I work at the car wash.

"...so I tend to score
new snacks under the seats."

...so I tend to, uh,
score new snacks,

like, under
and around the seats.

Snacks back there.

Oh, Sweet --
Sweet Stash Jams.

Delightful.
-"And I found a finger."

And I found a finger once.

"Attached to the Jams."

-Attached to the Jams.

Actually attached
to the Jams,

if I'm gonna be honest.
Sal: "So I peeled the Jams
off the finger."

So I peeled the Jams
off the finger.

"Reported the finger.
Ate the Jams."

I reported the finger.
Ate the Jams.

How do
your snacking habits change

when you're at home
verse on vacation?

Um...

"On vacation,
a foreign brings me snacks

instead of my wife."

Chase: How do
your snacking habits change

when you're at home
verse on vacation?

Um...

"On vacation,
a foreign brings me snacks

instead of my wife."

Well, on vacation, uh...

Murr: That's three laughs,
buddy.

They got me on that one.
Uh, uh, vacation --

Like, a foreign
brings me the snacks.

A-A foreign.

As opposed to my wife
brings me the snacks at home.

What could a snack brand
or product do

to gain your loyalty?

"Fight my dad."

Find my dad.

"Fight."
Let it --
Let him say "find."

Find my dad.

He was lost at sea.

So if the popcorn company
can find my dad,

it would gain my complete
and total loyalty.

Look out for my dad.
What do you got
in this popcorn?

-Salt, butter.
-That's it?

Chase: Yeah.
'Cause he --
he's hitting something

that should be --
-Oh, no, I-I --

I'm just answering
honestly.

The last one's
a big swing.

Last question.

Hypothetically,

if you were on death row
for incest and m*rder,

would you choose
this poo-poo crap

for your last meal?

"For the popcorn survey,
we need to know

which family member
you'd incest with."

Sir, for the popcorn survey,
we do need to know

which family member
you'd have incest with.

The dog?

Murr: The dog.

Pretty good, Q.

-Do I get paid now?
-Yeah, you know what?

I think you need it
more than I do.

Murr: Alright, Sal.

Chase: First question --
close your eyes.

What do you picture
when you eat this snack?

-Healthy?
-"Healthy." Okay.

Murr: "A bunch
of hunky frat boys..."

A bunch of frat boys,
maybe hunky.

"...you know,
standing in a circle

and this snack
in the middle."

Standing in,
like, a-a circle,

and the popcorn's
in the middle.

You could open
your eyes.

Yeah. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

There you go.
That's one, buddy.

Murr:
I'm still picturing it.

Would you be open
to sharing

some childhood memories
about snacking?

-Sure.
-"At my first baseball game..."

At my first baseball game...

"...I ate
a Jamaican man's peanuts."

I ate
a Jamaican man's peanuts.

My first -- That's my first
memory of any snack.

And you ate
a Jamaican...

Well,
he was the vendor.

-...man's...
-Peanuts. Yeah, yeah, peanuts.

-...peanuts?
-Yes, yes, yes.

At the Yankee game,
yeah.

Sal put a mouthful of popcorn
in your mouth.

As soon as he finishes
the question,

spit the popcorn out.

How do you feel
about the fact

that these are packaged
overseas?

-"Packaged overseas?"
-Packaged overseas?

Murr:
"By what sorts of people?"

By what --
By what sorts of people?

Just people overseas.

Factory in Canada.

-Oh, Canada?
-Yeah.

Murr:
"Those are good people."

Yeah, I'm fine
with Canadians.

Canada's not overseas,
by the way.

What kind of mascot
or celebrity spokesperson

would you imagine
for this product?

Ryan Reynolds?

He'd be a good spokesperson
for anything, probably.

-Yeah. Yeah.

You, sir?
-Yeah, um...

"A big-booty Brazilian guy
with a long tongue."

Like a -- ah, it's a tough --
tough one,

'cause, uh, you know,
celebrities here.

Probably a...
big-booty Brazilian guy

with a long tongue.

Got him.

What could a snack brand
or product do

to gain your loyalty?

Good answer.
You, sir?

"How about buy me flowers
before you me?"

-There you go. We got him.

-To gain my loyalty?
-Yeah.

Excuse my language,
but how about

buying me flowers
before you me?

-Ooh.

That's a laugh.

You want a snack brand
to buy you flowers?

"Before you me."

Before...

There you go.
You got him.

Narrator:
Sal couldn't taste victory,

making him tonight's big loser.

Alright, Sal has lost,
so today we're here

at Church Square Dog Park
in Hoboken for his punishment.

Alright, Sally boy,
this is an easy one.

All you got to do
is go in there

and take pictures
of people's dogs.

-That's it.
-That's it.

Murr: Alright, notice he
doesn't have a dog of his own.

Is there any reason why
there are 81 pictures

of dogs' on here?

We have some
of the most accomplished,

hard-working producers,

and their job
over this weekend

was to source
doggie badonkadonk.

What a gig.

Alright.
Alright, strike up a convo
with a pet owner.

This little guy here.
So adorable.

"God tied
your dog's balloon knot wrong."

Y-You know...

Looks like God tied that one's
balloon knot wrong, though.

"You got to be careful."

Yeah, yeah,
you got to be careful.

"We all know
that an unmoored

can lead
to a spooling stool."

The reason you got to be careful

is an unmoored
can lead...

Um, what I'm trying to say
is, uh,

especially with him right there
and -- and, uh...

"An unmoored "

And unmoored --

An unmoored...

An unmoored
could lead to a spooling stool.

Hey. Hello.

"How's your butthole?"

How's your butthole?

"Imagine
the an*s is a mouth."

Imagine the an*s is,
like, a mouth right?

"Now, if that mouth were
to start talking to you..."
Now, if that mouth were
to start talking to you...

"...which way would
the lips move?"

...which way would
the lips move?

Sal, try and snap some shots
of this dog's butthole.

What am I doing here?

Sal, try and snap some shots
of this dog's butthole.

Alright.

Let's see.
So let's snap that right there.

This is so weird.

Get right under there.

Oh, my God.

"Yeah, I'm kind of an expert
in, uh, canine sphincters."

I mean, I-I am an expert.
This is the field I w-- I-I-I --

This is what I like to look at,
so...

...I'm kind of an expert
in canine sphincters.

So...

Sal let her see
your whole camera roll.

You could see any
of these, uh, dog

See how it's, like --
those are even?

Of course she's got to go,
you weirdo.

So I'm just taking pictures
of dogs' all day?

-Yeah.
-Basically.

Yeah.

Yeah,
you figured it out?

-He or a she?
-She.

-She.
-Penny.

Penny. Penny.

-Penny.
- Penny.

"Can you lure her to me?"

Is there any way
you could lure her to me?

Okay.

Come on, guys.
Come on, guys.

This is the dumbest idea
we ever had.

There it is.

Think I got it.

Show her.

Doesn't catch it here,
but Penny's butthole is way off.

-Ooh, Portrait mode.
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Portrait mode.

The camera does all the work.

All I do is aim it
at the butthole, and I --

so -- there's one.
Are you sure Penny wasn't
just wiggling her tail?

"Well, you know, the ideal
and healthy butthole..."

Well, an ideal and healthy
butthole for a dog...

"...would form a perfect seal
around your index finger."

...would form a perfect seal
around your index finger.

-Look at her face.

Sal: Yeah.

It's so weird.

"Hi, I'm Sal,"
say to the other girl.

-Is this dog yours?
-Yeah.

What's the dog --
Your dog's name?
Loofy.

Murr: Perfect butthole.

Aww, Loofy.
Perfect butthole.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

"Do you mind if I...?"

Hey.

Would you mind?

Would you mind at all if I,
uh, took a quick, uh, picture

of Loo--
of Loofy's butthole, yeah?

What's in it for me?

Um, I could AirDrop you
the photo.

Get real close, buddy.

Yeah, that's...

I feel -- I feel very weird.

Yeah? You think?

Ask him
what his dog's name is.

-Beautiful dog, by the way.
-Oh, thank you.

-What kind of breed is that?
-Uh, German Shorthaired Pointer.

Oh, my God.
Her name?

Ladybug.

Hey, Ladybug.

"You don't have kids,
do you?"

-Do you have kids?
-No.

-Okay.
-"Oh, it's weird.

It looks like somebody's been
jamming their fingers in there."

Yeah, 'cause...
you know...

the reason I ask is...

The reason I ask is 'cause it...

Hey, Ladybug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, the reason I ask
is it looks like

somebody's been jamming
their fingers up there.

But you don't have kids?

-No. No.
-Interesting.

"Do you mind if I get a picture
of Ladybug for my files?"

-Uh, mind if I get a...?
-What?

Can I -- Would you --
Would you --

Would you --
Would you --

Take a picture for --

Yeah, would you mind
if I took a picture of --

-Sure.
-You hold her?

Alright, just hold her
just like that.

Alright.

Yeah, see,
that's like a chocolate...

"You sure
you don't have two kids?"

You sure
you don't have two kids?

'Cause somebody...

'Cause some-- 'Cause somebody's
been fingering that

Murr: "Yeah, I --
I'll tell you what.

I'm seeing sacral compensation
for a crooked pipe."

What I'm seeing --

I'm seeing sacral compensation
for a crooked pipe.

Your dog's butthole
looks

at least two fingers
off-center to me.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

"That lopsided balloon knot

is really gonna torque
that turd tunnel."

Yeah, 'cause
that lopsided balloon knot's

really gonna torque
that turd tunnel.

Woman: Okay. Yeah?

Are you a vet
or something, or...?

-Am I a vet?
-Yeah.

No, I'm an am--
like an amateur.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

It's really not about the brace
so much is it about, like,

essentially,
I know this sounds crazy,

but taking the butthole off
and...

...putting it back on
two fingers to the left.

Murr: "I can give it a whirl
if you want me to try."

I can give it a whirl.

-No, that's okay.
-Okay.

"You know, uh, your dog has
a medically large hole."

I got to tell you, your dog
has a medically large hole.

"The butthole of a good boy
four times the size."

Yeah, he's got the butthole of
a good boy four times his size.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

You weirdo.

It's so bizarre, man.

Sal,
the punishment ends

when you photograph
every dog's butt.

Uh, I don't know.

There's like 60 dogs.

Let's see what happens.

Got it.

Got that dog's

Ooh, that's a good boy.

That's a good boy.

Got it.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Got it.

If you look at
these other dogs --

What the

Got it. Got it. Got it.

-No. Get out.
-Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Got it.

You have a dog here?

-Do I have a dog here?
-Yeah.

-"No."
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, nah,
I don't have a dog here.

-"It's not ill*gal, though."
-That's alright. I just --

It's not ill*gal.

Alright,
Sal, get out of there.

It got too weird
even for us back there.

I'm definitely
on some sort of list now.