02x03 - 9th Quarter

[bunniefuu]

[reporter] Last drive of the game,

fourth down, you're trailing by three.

Chad, was there any debate whether
to go forward over trying the field goal?

You have to ask Coach Hudson.

We're the better team.
We're not playing like it, but we are.

And the better team doesn't have
to just push all the chips in...

- Coach!
- ...in one play.

- Give me the ball.
- What?!

I will win this game right now.
I swear to God.

[reporter 2] Coach Hudson,
the analytics say go for the touchdown.

What made you decide to kick it?

Ricky... what do you think?

This weather sucks.
It's hurt Chad's accuracy all day.

I-I'd play for overtime.

[Chad] Coach.

- Field goal unit!
- Coach!

You wanna talk about analytics?

Alright.

I tell you what,
how 'bout I run a simulation

where you ask a stupid-a*s question

and then you see how I react?

Here, I'm runnin' it right now.
Guess what?

Hundred times out of a hundred,
it's gonna piss me off.

Coach, let me finish this.

- Please let--
- Powers!

Sit your a*s down!

You want me to be AI, huh?

You want an AI coach?

Machine learnin'?
Jack into my brain!

That's the only analytics I need. Jack in!

[crowd booing]

This is real life!
This is not a digital space!

We live in a physical world!
I make physical decisions!

I am not numbers!

- [crowd cheers]
- [whistle blows]

Jack in!

[reporters shouting questions]

[♪ upbeat classical music playing]

Alright, next question.

- [thunder crashing]
- [rain pattering]

- [Chad] [yelling] f*ck!
- [toilet flushes]

- [players chattering]
- [♪ light music playing]

Are you okay?

Do I not look okay?

Everyone could hear you
whisper-yelling "f*ck" in the bathroom.

That wasn't me. That was
the vacuum commode just goin' whoosh.

[softly] Look on the bright side.

All of our waterproofing worked,
and it is only one loss.

[whispers] [normal voice] To Arkansas.

Coach Hudson blew our entire season
because he f*ck' hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

Dude, I know Russ has
a complex relationship with defeat,

but this is a first for Chad.

I'm manifesting it's good for him.

[Chad's voice] Well, I'm manifesting
that our plane gets hit by lightning,

and we crash, and we die,
and we go to hell.

It really is a pleasure working together.

[PA beeps]

[Coach Dobbs] Everybody up!

Storm delay.

We gotta wait it out in the airport.
Come on.

No, no, I-I-- Coach, I don't think
it looks that bad.

I-I think-- I bet, I bet we can fly
through the water.

Fly through the water, Chad?

What I'm-- What I'm saying is
it's just liquid.

If we fly fast enough,
we just puncture the raindrops.

They can't stop us.

Powers, a-are you
backtalking Mother Nature?

No, no, no, the-the-the raindrops
is molecules--

Everyone off the f*ck' plane, let's go!

[players chattering]

I am so sorry, Jay.

- I'm gon' fire my pilot.
- Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

He shouldn't take off in bad weather.

No, he's a coward.

I want the man flying my airplane to have
the constitution of a jihadist.

I am not numbers! Jack in!

[Tricia] Well, there y'all are.

Everybody all jacked in?

Jesus Christ. I didn't even know
you were gonna be at this game.

[Tricia] Uh-huh,
and guess who I had with me?

- [shot glass clacks]
- Jay Palmer.

Who's that?

Jay Palmer?

The Catfish alum got so rich
off of windmills

he can afford a spot on the Ark?

- What Ark?
- [Tricia] That don't concern y'all.

What does is that
I actually had him interested

in pumpin' our NIL fund.

That's right.
See, I brought us a whale,

and you guys went out there today
and you freed your Willys.

How the f*ck did we lose to Arkansas?

And why are we kickin'
at the end of the game

with some diaper-pissin' freshman
instead of just givin' the ball over

to the Heisman frontrunner, Chad Powers?

Well, you saw how
the Heisman frontrunner played today.

Ugly, like his f*ck' face.

[Tricia]
And whose fault is that, Scott?

Where was Gerry? Where--
Wa-Was this about their little fight?

Gerry is out with
an undisclosed illness, Tricia.

Yeah, he's got SPS, Sore p*ssy Syndrome.

Y'all, the wheels are fallin' off.

What, what is happenin' to us?

Jake? I mean, don't you have anything
remotely inspirational to say?

Can you get the f*ck up?

Can you go talk to the team?

[Coach Hudson] [on TV]
We live in a physical world!

I make physical decisions!

I am not numbers!

This, FYI, is why none of y'all

are gon' have seats on the Ark.

You're gon' be left behind
to be annihilated by the Event.

What Event, man?

- [can thuds]
- [Chad] And that.

- [scanner beeps]
- Let me see. I got one...

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."

Oh, thank you, Miss Tricia.

I'll pay for all that. Mm-hmm.

You know who said that?

Uh, Jesus?

And me in a church play

when I was a little girl
and I burst out cryin'

because I thought that meant
we were gonna have to let

[whispers] poor people
[normal] into Heaven.

Must have been hard on you.

It's time you and I had
a serious dialogue, Chad.

Oh.

[♪ "When the Moon Goes Down
in the Valley of Time" playing]

♪ Yes, the sun, refused to shine ♪

- [thunder rumbling]
- Oh.

♪ Every star will disappear ♪

♪ When the moon goes down
in the valley of time... ♪

Okay.

[♪ song ends abruptly]

- Ugh!
- [Chad] Wow.

- Well.
- Yeah, whoa.

I bet you've never been in one of these.

Oh, no, ma'am.

[Tricia] Yeah, what you think?

This is real comfy.

And what you think of this?

Oh, wow.

Uh...

Are-Are you allowed to have
a g*n on-on an airplane?

Well, I can have my g*n on my airplane,

and, you know, I've considered it.

Just dischargin' a round
at the top of our ascent.

But I'm told we'd all be sucked right out.

I mean, can you imagine bein' sucked out

that miniature little window
right there at 38,000 feet?

I see what's goin' on with you, Chad.

What... what the, um...

- Wha-What do you--
- I mean, what's really goin' on.

And I want in. I want to help.

Help?

Why wasn't the ball in your hands
in the last play of the game today?

Coach Hudson didn't think
I could get it done.

Well, do you think
that he can get it done?

'Cause, see, Jake's an old jockey.

Right? And I had hoped and prayed
he had one last ride in him.

But we got ourselves a champion horse.

- [indistinct].
- And as much as I love that old jockey,

- and I love him...
- Yeah.

...I would let another man ride
my champion horse,

if I knew he would let
my stallion just run free.

Am I the horse in this scenario?

You the champion horse.

So...

what happens to Coach Hudson?

Well, if you want, we'd have him
taken out back and...

- [g*n clicks]
- ...shot.

Ooh. [chuckles] Well...

I just feel like that's usually...
meant for the horses.

Yeah, but in this case,
we're gon' do it to the jockey

'cause they're short,
little, dispensable men.

I don't wanna lose again, Chad.

- Ever.
- [rain pattering]

Do you?

- [♪ song resumes]
- [chuckles nervously]

♪ Oh, my mighty, mighty Lord ♪

- [♪ song ends]
- Hypothetically,

if Hudson's gone, who takes over?

[normal voice]
Hypothetically? Byrd.

- [Danny] Mm-hmm.
- Although I'm sure Tricia's already

talkin' to Lane Kiffin.

So, Byrd will wanna prove
that he should be coach beyond this year.

Which means he just needs to win.

Which means he'd support Chad.

He's the one most likely
to turn a blind eye

to the stuff that
[softly] could get us caught.

[inhales]

[exhales] f*ck.

[Russ sighs]

[whispers]
Maybe we are better off without Hudson.

Hmm.

You know, he did almost die.

This would be a gift to him,
and to us, to everyone really.

Everybody except Ricky.

But if Hudson's still around,

won't he always be between her and Chad?

[thunder rumbling]

You said Tricia paid for the snacks?

Yeah, yeah, it was nice.

Okay, well, I want my 20 bucks back.

[video plays]

[sighs]

- [video replaying]
- [water running]

[loud bang]

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey.

Oh.

I don't think anybody saw me slip out,
but we should be quick.

We're surrounded.

- Like S*ddam at the end.
- [sighs]

[Ricky]
What do you wanna talk about?

Your dad.

What about him?

I mean, that was pretty crazy earlier,
that press conference?

Yeah, I mean, he's,
he's pissed that we lost.

He's pissed, like everyone else.

Sucks.

Are you, are you not at all worried
about his heart?

Of course, I'm worried about his heart.
I'm always worried about his heart.

But... the doctors cleared him,
so... he can deal.

If that's all you had,
I-I-I-I gotta get back to everybody.

[as Russ] This sucks.

With us, just like...

Before, just Russ
was dangerous to talk to,

and now, Chad is dangerous to talk to too.
It's... [sighs]

Yes, you are comprehensively radioactive.

But I'm still in.

I can still help.

Just have to be even more careful
after what Gerry said.

I don't think my dad believes it,

but he knows how damaging
the rumor could be.

He's lookin' out for me.

And you're lookin' out for him.

What do you mean?

I mean... you went with his decision
to kick on the last play.

You don't think that was
my own judgment call?

I could've won that game.

Okay, it's not my fault
that Coach is spinning out.

Don't vilify him.
Not after everything you've done to him.

What about everything I have done
for him, for his team?

He's risking all of it
because he is not well.

Dude, what?

Are you getting your talking points
from Skip Bayless now?

Just because he is medically cleared
does not mean he is psychologically ready.

Oh, please. Okay, please.

Yes, Chad Powers.

Talk to me more about
psychological readiness.

You're just pissed you're not
his special boy anymore.

- Oh, my God.
- You know why you didn't get the ball?

You didn't get the ball not,
not because he thinks

we're sleeping together, which we are not.

You didn't get the ball
because my dad is smart.

And even if he doesn't know all of it,

I-I think deep down
he senses what you are.

- A loser.
- A jerk.

Maybe not someone you can count on.

You always know what to say.

Enjoy searching your fake name on Twitter.

[as Chad]
It's not Twitter anymore. It-It's X!

At some point, we're all gonna
have to embrace the rebrand!

[Ricky] I don't give a f*ck.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Oh, uh, I'm-I'm-I'm Chad Powers.

I need to talk to Tricia Yeager.

[Tricia] Chad,
is Chrisha givin' you trouble?

Oh, hi, Miss Tricia.
Your security guard's name's Chrisha?

Mm-hmm. I paid him to change it
so it would rhyme with my own.

Now, speakin' of my limitless power,

have you thought any more
about our, eh, conversation from earlier?

Yes, ma'am.

I've decided...

- Does Chrisha have to hear this?
- Chrisha, get the f*ck outta here.

Yes, Miss Tricia.

I wanna k*ll the jockey.

[thunder rumbling]

- You do?
- Well, I just think what is

best for the team,
if we wanna win, is probably...

I think... replacing Coach Hudson.

Chad Powers.

Look at you.

You know, until this very moment,

I suspected you had no p*nis.

Or testicles.

Just a bare patch
of greasy skin down there,

but now... I believe
you do have some testicles.

- Still no p*nis, though?
- TBD.

Yeah, TBD.

Well, once I can get out
of this Clinton-infested sh*thole,

I'm gon' get home,
and I'm gon' set in motion

a series of events that lead us
straight to a national title.

And then maybe, just maybe,
you'll grow a little peepee.

Fingers crossed.

- [vending machine beeping]
- The f*ck?

Damnit.

Uh, may I?

Be my guest.

[PA announcement]

There you go.

Take whatever you want.

Are you a magician?

No, it's actually even less cool
than that, if you can believe it.

I was at the game
because I just bought a bunch

of vending machines in Arkansas.

How many?

Um... all of 'em.

- All of them?
- Yeah, yeah, someone told me

vending machines are
the new Beanie Babies,

uh, which doesn't make any sense
because vending machines

predate Beanie Babies.

But regardless, here I am.
[chuckles]

So, you saw me over here

with a vending machine
that wasn't working and...

And I thought, wow, dream scenario.

This is why I got into automated retail.

[chuckles] Nice.

My dad had a vending machine key

at the school he coached at
when I was a kid, um.

I'd stay late sometimes
and he'd, uh, open it up

and get us, like...
honey buns or somethin'.

The coolest dad move ever.

Yeah, no doubt.

Your dad's Coach Hudson, right?

Yeah.

I'm Jay.

[♪ "You're Really Somethin'"
by Pat Gatti playing]

- I'm Ricky, hi.
- Hi, Ricky.

- [indistinct chatter]
- ♪ I know I'm not up to date ♪

- ♪ With all that's going on ♪
- [clears throat]

- ♪ And I don't measure up ♪
- [clears throat]

- ♪ To what I ought to be ♪
- [clears throat]

Hey, guys.

♪ But when I'm with you ♪

♪ I feel 10 feet tall inside ♪

♪ Honey, you're somethin' ♪

♪ You're really somethin' I need ♪

♪ Well, it takes someone like you ♪

- [notification chimes]
- ♪ To make this man ♪

♪ Realize that alone ♪

♪ I could never be free ♪

♪ You pick me up and keep me there ♪

- [exhales sharply]
- ♪ Just long ♪

- [Coach Hudson yelling indistinctly on TV]
- ♪ Enough to see ♪

♪ Honey, you're somethin' ♪

♪ You're really somethin' I need ♪

- [heavy breathing]
- ♪ If it takes me forever ♪

♪ Would it really matter ♪

♪ If I never got
to where I'm supposed to go? ♪

[heavy breathing]

♪ Wouldn't it be empty
if I got there all alone? ♪

♪ How could that be? ♪

♪ You not with me ♪

♪ How tall then would I be? ♪

Come on... Okay.

- ♪ I need... ♪
- [exhales]

[Chad] Coach. Hey, Coach.

Hey.

What are you doin'?

- Plane's about to leave.
- Yeah.

[exhales] That was...
That was the old line, you know?

On the... on the message board,
when you lost.

[clears throat]
"Don't let the coach on the plane."

[indistinct chatter]

Alright.

[Chad]
Coach. Are you... Are y--

- Coach, are you okay?
- [Coach Hudson sniffles]

[groans]

Goddamnit, I'm good.

[clears throat]

They're, they're right.
Everybody's right.

[stammers]
Right about what?

I didn't just come back too soon.

They told me not to come back at all.

You weren't actually cleared?

God, I hate lying.

It's so hard.

It's just, I want this.

I need this so bad.

[breathing heavily]

I need to win, just once.

I know I can do it.

I know it.

Otherwise, my whole life...

- [♪ somber music playing]
- Sorry.

You're gonna tell Ricky
about this, aren't you?

♪

No. No, no, I'm, uh...

That's between you and her.

[Coach Hudson] Okay.

- Thank you.
- [announcer] Attention, all passengers

flying to Dawson.

Flight number 452.

Your flight will begin boarding shortly.

- Thank you.
- I think they want you on that plane.

[♪ gentle music playing]

Yeah.

- [♪ music fades out]
- [PA announcement]

[indistinct chatter]

[notification swooshes]

[whistles] Alright!

[PA announcement]

Listen up!

[clears throat]

What do you do when you lose?

Watch tape.

You watch tape.

See what you did wrong...
so you can be better next week.

Right?
Gotta watch tape.

No, f*ck that.

We leave today behind.

Right here, in this airport.

And we never talk about it again.

We burn the tape!

- [all applauding]
- [player] Y'all heard Coach.

Man, f*ck that sh*t, man!

Y'all understand? Burn it!

Burn that motherfuckin' tape, man!

Alright, all the private jets
are about to take off.

We're wheels up after that.

[Coach Hudson] Alright!

Let's get home,
let's get some rest, let's jack in!

Let's get back to work.

Fish on me, fish on three.

- One, two, three!
- [all] Fish!

Good speech.

Thanks.
I had some, uh, inspiration--

I left my wallet in the pet relief area.

So, I'm gonna--
I gotta go run and grab that.

Why-Why were you in the pet relief area?

I was, I was, I was washin' my feet.

And so, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be--
BRB, I'm gonna be B-right-B!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Almost. Almost had a full
extended interaction

without some bizarre sh*t.

♪

♪

Tricia!

Chrisha, I need to talk to Tricia.

She's already gone.
They're taxiing right now.

Why are you still here?

I'm here to watch the door
'til she's in the air.

Then I take my own commercial flight.

First class?

- Economy Plus.
- Mm.

Do you have to book your own flight?

Yeah, then I submit receipts--

♪

Oh, oh! sh**t!

[Chad yelling]

- I'm sorry, sorry!
- Hey! What the f*ck?!

[Chad] Hey!

Tricia!

Stop!

- [lighter clicking]
- [muffled] Hey!

- [Jay Palmer] Uh, Tricia?
- Hmm?

Please don't tell me you have asthma, Jay.

N-No, Chad Powers is outside.

[muffled] Stop, stop!

What?

Don't k*ll him!

Don't k*ll the jockey!

What is he...

Sto-- Prisha, stop the plane.

- [engines power down]
- [Chad sighs]

Good God almighty, Chad!

You could've been sucked
into that jet engine like a seagull!

Don't k*ll the jockey!

- What?! Don't k*ll the jockey?!
- Don't k*ll him!

Why the change of heart?

Because I...

He's the one who got me out of the stable,

and I like the way he rides me.

Even when it hurts.

[laughs] See?!
This is my best metaphor yet.

So, to be clear,
you are not firing Coach Hudson?

No. Not unless Lane Kiffin calls me back.

He's a good person.

Lane Kiffin?

No, Coach Hudson.

Oh, you really think, Chad,

that you can be a good person
and be a winner?

[footsteps approaching]

- [panting]
- Chrisha, where the f*ck have you been?

This man could've had a bazooka

and just blown my airplane outta the sky.

He's really fast.

I know. That's my quarterback.

Go fish.

[Tricia] Go fish!

[groans]

Is it weird to want an explanation?

That, Jay, was just another thread

in the tapestry of my life
as a Catfish booster.

Which, I suspect, after today,

you have no interest in becomin'.

Actually, I had a really good time.

- You did?
- Yeah.

I'm curious, what's the deal
with Coach's daughter?

Oh.

Far as I know, that tall drink
of sweet tea is wide open for business.

Coach... [panting]
why aren't you on the plane?

My dad said to make sure
you made it, which is weird

since, all week,
he's been keepin' me away from you.

What'd you two talk about?

Yeah.

Trust.

That he can trust me.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Guess we're both poor sports.

[chuckles] Yeah, we are.

[attendant]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Please take your seats,
and place your carry-on items

securely in the overhead bins

or completely underneath the seat

- in front of you.
- [whispering] So, we're keeping Hudson?

What's the worst that can happen?

He finds out you're Russ Holliday
and actually murders you?

Chad?

[♪ soft music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you need me to move?

- I can--
- No, I just wanted to sit back here.

Where you can smell the toilets?

You know, I don't think we've ever talked.

I'm Chad.

You're Max, the kicker, right?

Chad, I'm really sorry
for missin' that kick, dude.

- I, I just--
- Hey, what's on your phone?

- Oh.
- Tweets tellin' you to k*ll yourself.

Will you do me a favor?

- What?
- Will you log out...

delete that app forever...

and never search your name online again?

I know it seems impossible right now,

but... you're not always
gonna feel this bad.

How do you know?

[♪ "Someday" by Johnny Payne playing]

I just do.

♪ Someday ♪

♪ Someday dreaming in the afternoon ♪

♪ Always hanging on for someday soon ♪

♪ Don't believe in someday ♪

[♪ song ends]

[♪ fanfare]