01x03 - Happy Birthdays

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Barbara called.

He's gonna be a few minutes late.

Well, yeah, when you see him, tell him I said...

Hey!

How come you didn't say hi to me?

Hey, man, I went like that.

You turned away before I came back up.

Wait for me.

All my friends

Will the lowrider

The lowrider is a little higher.

Okay, you guys all know the drill.

Today's my birthday, but it's nothing special.

It's just a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday.

Oh, come on, Dad. You're no fun.

You never let us buy you birthday presents.

What are we celebrating, anyway?

You're another year closer to death.

Congratulations. Here's a tie.

George, before you say no, I have a little something for you.

Angie, no.

Relax. It's just something I made on the computer.

This certificate entitles you to win one fight.

Even though you are clearly losing

because you were obviously wrong.

Offer not valid in public.

Happy Wednesday.

Oh, come on, Mom. That's not what he wants.

Crappy birthday, Dad.

Thank you.

Okay, so much for Mr. Sunshine.

Max, you're the big 1-0 next week.

How about this year we have your first really big birthday party?

What are we celebrating anyway?

I'm just another year closer to death.

Okay, but double digits is a pretty big deal.

Don't you want to do something special?

When was the last time you saw my mom in a swimsuit?

If Dad doesn't need a big party of presents, I don't either.

That one we're raising right.

What kind of kid doesn't want to have a big birthday party?

That is the saddest thing I've ever seen

When was the last time you saw my mom in a swimsuit?

Well, you know he's only saying that because he wants to be like his dad

What's wrong with that?

But with your promotion, we can afford to do something really special this year.

We could get a magician and a bouncy house.

The only difference is when I leave for work in the morning

I don't keep going for 35 years

But with your promotion, we can afford to do something really special this year.

We could get a magician and a bouncy house.

Angie, come on. We've always had small parties for the kids.

Just because I'm making a little money now doesn't mean we should start spoiling them.

But you've seen how he lights up when he goes to parties,

and they've got games and trampolines and cartoon characters.

But do kids need all that stuff? Angie, think about it.

When I was 10, there wasn't trampolines and cartoon characters.

I never went to Chuck E. Cheese.

My mom said, you want to see a mouse?

Pull the refrigerator out.

There's about five Chuckies running around back there.

OK, how about we have a party, but we keep it simple?



What's up?

Three friends, no entertainment, one present,

and a baked potato.

Happy birthday!

What? We're bargaining.

I'm starting low.

What's up?

Hey, George, George, wait a second.

Stand right there. Right there, right there.

Yeah, my wish is that we all don't die in a blazing inferno.

George, it doesn't come true if you say it out loud.

Come on, Ernie, we've been friends a long time, man.

You know how I feel about my birthday.

Well, yeah, but you're manager now,

Yeah, my wish is that we all don't die in a blazing inferno.

and I didn't want to be the only one not sucking up.

Come on, Ernie, we've been friends a long time, man.

You know how I feel about my birthday.

Well, yeah, but you're manager now,

and everybody's gonna do something for you,

and I didn't want to be the only one not sucking up.

On a totally different subject,

you'll help us set a new safety record.

If we make it two more days,

All right, everybody, listen up.

No gifts, no flaming cupcakes.

If you really want to do something for my birthday,

you'll help us set a new safety record.

If we make it two more days,

I'll be the first manager to deliver a full month

without injuries in the history of the company.

Hey!

On a related note,

drug testing will resume next Monday.

Breaking bones and breaking hearts.

Hey.

Good to be back.

Hey, everybody, look.

It's Accident Amy.

Breaking bones and breaking hearts.

Hey, uh, let's see that.

donor arm you got from the dr*fter. Oh, you guys, my arm got crushed, not torn off. See? Everything is

okay. Hey, uh, listen, Amy, while you're still recuperated, why don't you spend the next three

days working in my office where it's nice and safe? I thought I was gonna go back onto my

machine, you know, get back on the horse. Like they say, you crush my arm once, shame on you,

crush it twice. You're like a moth, aren't you, Amy? Don't worry, it'll still be there in three days.

Good to have you back, Amy.

Like a moth, aren't you, Amy?

These are from the game.

Good to have you back, Amy.

We tipped in $25 for them.

Well, I accidentally counted you.

Oh!

But, you know, you can pay me whenever.

Well, I accidentally counted you.

Oh.

But, you know, you can pay me whenever.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow.

Roses!

Ow.

Ow.

It's the thorns.

I always forget.

Ow.

It's the thorns.

I'm bleeding the bathroom, right?

I know.

All right.

Cool.

Okay, I got Danny Boy on line one

and some guy from your credit card company on line two.

Give me Danny Boy.

You got George, Danny Boy.

I know you don't like birthdays,

Give me Danny Boy.

I'd be there at work, but I'm still on my jury duties.

Supersize those fries.

so happy birthday!

Here's the credit card company.

Hey, this is George Lopez.

What?

No, I didn't spend 200 bucks on party catering.

No, I didn't use my card for that either.

How much for decorations?

Oh, man, I see what's going on here.

What's wrong?

It's Angie.

She's throwing a big party for Max when we agreed not to.

Oh, your wife too?

I know, it's awful.

That's right, she's gonna spoil him

No, I wouldn't call my wife a lying tr*mp

I don't care if your wife is selfish in bed

Ted, aren't you worried your boss might be monitoring this call?

No, I wouldn't call my wife a lying tr*mp.

Thanks for the ride, Mom. See you tomorrow. Bye

I'm not going anywhere

You're gonna fight with Angie

I'm not even gonna go out for a smoke

Because I don't want to miss the beginning of the fight

Come on, Patch, do your thing

There it is

The love I never got

Uh-oh, your father's home

Go hide these bags in your room

Mom, why are you throwing Dad a surprise birthday party anyway?

I mean, why don't you put Moulin Rouge on and dance around for him

Go hide these bags in your room.

How'd you know about that?

Oh, hey, don't worry about it. You're a good example for me.

I mean, you're a loving couple. My friends thought so, too.

How'd you know about that?

And I'm throwing your father a surprise birthday party

because he never had one as a kid. He's gonna love it.

Hey, George.

My friends thought so, too.

Showtime.

And I'm throwing your father a surprise birthday party

Let's talk in the yard.

My mom wants a smoke.

Thank you.

Showtime.

Everything okay?

What?

Thank you.

Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

What?

Hey, no one's forcing you to go to Supercuts.

I just got a call from a credit card company.

$500 worth of party stuff?

I just got a call from a credit card company.

$500 worth of party stuff?

George knows.

George is smart.

I was trying...

George is smart.

I was trying...

How could you do this when we agreed not to have some huge party for Max?

Hey, what happened to communication and trust

and all that crap that was in our marriage vows?

not to have some huge party for Max?

Does this mean I won?

The $500 worth of party stuff was all for you.

I just wanted to give you the birthday party that you never had as a kid,

Does this mean I won?

Hey, honey, come back!

I'm not mad at you anymore!

that you never had as a kid, you big, stupid jerk!

I got these for you.

You got these from a florist?

Sort of.

Like a freeway off-ramp.

You got these from a florist?

but I couldn't do a U-turn.

Come on, Angie, I said I was wrong.

George, you always do this.

Come on, Angie, I said I was wrong.

Remember the time I came home late

and you thought I was cheating on you?

I was insecure back then.

I couldn't believe a woman as beautiful as you

would be with a guy like me.

Thought you had to stay with me a month to win a bed.

And every month since then has been double or nothing.

Stop it! I can't take your fighting anymore!

You're gonna drive me into the arms of a sympathetic g*ng member.

Didn't your father put you up to this?

Didn't your father put you up to this?

Lie and you go to hell.

It's already hell here with all the yelling.

And everything.

Couple of notes.

You came in a little early.

And I didn't believe you at the end.

But nice try.

I was trying to do something special for you, and you ruined it.

Why were you even doing it? You know I don't like birthdays.

Because for once in your life, you should do your birthday upright.

Then Max can copy normal behavior.

Hey, what's not normal about my behavior?

You're all screwed up about birthdays.

you should do your birthday up right.

Okay. What's your best birthday memory?

This one.

It's been an enormous amount of fun.

No, I'm not.

Your mother ruined birthdays for you,

and now you're ruining them for your son.

Hey, my mom may have been wrong about a lot of things,

but in this case, she's right on the money.

She didn't spoil me. I'm not spoiling Max.

And you know what? I'm not spoiling you either.

Hey, my mom may have been wrong about a lot of things,

Unless you want it

She didn't spoil me, I'm not spoiling Max,

Then I'm out of here

Mommy, Daddy, stop

You're gonna drive me into the arms of some pathetic g*ng member

No?

Is that it?

Amy, what are you doing?

You're going to drive me into the arms of some pathetic g*ng member!

No, no, get down from there.

You gotta make it one last day without getting injured.

Is that it?

Dim lighting is responsible for 50% of the accidents in the workplace.

Did you know that in 1992...

No, no, get down from there.

In 1992, there was a study that...

I know.

Dim lighting is responsible for 50% of the accidents in the workplace.

Did you know that in 1992...

Damn, Amy, how old are you?

In 1992, there was a study that...

Are you okay?

Hey, George, if you need my truck

to move your stuff out of your house, you know you can.

What are you talking about?

Well, your mom's telling everybody on the floor

that you're getting a divorce.

No, I just had a fight with Angie last night, that's all.

Well, your mom's telling everybody on the floor that you're getting a divorce.

Well, you know, you can still stay over at my place for a while.

Yeah, it'll be great, man.

I got chips, beer, a satellite dish.

And my mom goes to bed about 9 o'clock,

so we can watch whatever we want.

It wasn't that big a fight, Ernie.

Oh.

Well, you think she'll let you sleep over anyway?

Hey, Mom, stop telling everybody

She wanted to throw me a party, and I didn't want one, that's all.

She wanted to throw me a party, and I didn't want one.

That's all.

Why does she want to throw you a party?

Mom, do you have any idea what yesterday was?

You're not putting me in a home yet.

And I know who the president is, too.

You're not putting me in a home yet.

Oh, Mom, think back.

Think back 36 years ago from yesterday.

Think back to how you got the name Mom.

I know it was your birthday,

but why does Angie want to ruin it with a big party?

Once those Cubans get off the island,

they want to celebrate everything.

I know. Angie's got this hang-up about birthdays.

Like, they got to be this big deal.

I told her, hey, I wasn't raised that way.

You damn right you weren't.

You give a kid a big birthday party,

you know what comes next?

High expectations.

You got that right, Mom.

You think life is gonna give you everything you want.

You know, first it's the bouncy house and the clowns,

but then that's not enough. No.

Then you expect to go to high school

and graduate and get a job.

It does not stop there, because now you're spoiled.

Now you want somebody to marry you

and love you for the rest of your life.

All because your mommy threw you a birthday party.

Wait a second.

Is that why you never threw me a birthday party

so I wouldn't expect to be happy?

George, if you expect a dog to bite you,

you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

You are one twisted old vieja.

You are one twisted old vieja.

I gotta go throw my kid a party.

George, do you have a phone call?

Here's your phone call.

I answered the fan.

I answered the fan.

Damn, we were so close to the record.

No, it's just my hair. I'm not even hurt.

And it is 5 o'clock.

Yeah, can I go change the safety signs?

Yeah, can I go change the safety signs?

Okay. Look like a band-aid.

Okay, we ready for the birthday boy?

Yeah.

Okay, we ready for the birthday boy?

Happy birthday!

Max, come here.

Yeah, well, you only turned 10 once, so we went all out.

I thought I said don't make a big deal about my birthday.

Yeah, well, you only turned 10 once,

so we went all out.

He's my kid. Come on.

It's me! Dos Equis the clown!

He's my kid.

Come on.

It's me!

Dos Equis the clown!

Hey, look at his funny nose and his giant ears.

Hey, these are my regular ears.

Oh, now look.

It's Dos Equis the sad clown.

I think I'll open my gift and go back to bed.

No, there's a bouncy house, a bunch of kids.

Before you open that, you've got a choice to make.

You can have that present

or what's behind the blinds.

I'm confused. Take the blinds. Take the blinds.

Hey, what's all that crap in your backyard?

Do you like it, Dad?

No, there's a bouncy house, a bunch of kids...

It's not too much.

We're paying these people by the hour.

Get out there, you little freak.

Is this all for me?

I don't know if I like it.

Hey, you all right?

Let me open them for you.

You know, on my birthday,

It's not too much.

We're paying these people by the hour.

Get out there, you little freak.

All right.

You all right?

Let me open that for you.

You know, on my birthday,

I don't need a cake or a bouncy house.

I just want to be surrounded by my family

in a brand-new car.

Me too.

Right after a big-screen TV flies out of my butt.

Hey, come on, Dumbball.

I need your ears for shade.

Does no one notice the nose?

Look how happy Max is.

and I thought it would be great if I could get one of your childhood idols.

Me too.

I'm sorry I blew up at you.

Even better.

But you know, there are still some surprises left.

It's Poppin' Stuff!

Well, you know, I was going to have that party for you,

and I thought it would be great if I could get one of your childhood idols.

This is so embarrassing.

Is Daddy drunk?

No, honey.

This is just his very first birthday party.

It's Poppin' Stuff!

Oh, you're so soft.

I knew you'd be soft.

This is so embarrassing.

Mark?

No, honey.

This is just his very first birthday party.

I wish he was drunk.

I thought that was funny.

Even if this ain't funny, help me out!

What's more money again, Angie?

Do you take credit cards?

HR, pop and spin.

Who's your friend when things get rough?

Mark?

George, if you expect a dog to bite you,

you're going to be happy when he poops on your shoes.

Come on, wait.

That was funny.

I thought that was funny.

Even if this ain't funny, help me out!

Good job, everybody.

Good job, everybody.