02x23 - George Has Two Mommies

[bunniefuu]

Hey, boys.

Hey, dad, can Ricky
come in the house?

Does he have the money
to pay for the VCR

he stuffed that grilled cheese
sandwich into?

I was 4.
Come on, i´m thirsty.

There´s water
in the rain gutters.

This toning cream
is only $39.95.

And la Marie guarantees
if your husband does not

find you more attractive,
you get your money back.

If you really want your husband
to think you´re more attractive,

buy him a six-pack of these.

Maybe a little scotch, too.

You know what? I´ll just pay
for the things I ordered.

Thanks, though.

Are you sure I can´t
interest you in anything else?

I don´t think so.

Oh, my god!

What?

Oh...my god.

What is it?

We just got another huge bill
from carmen´s school.

If you don´t sell some more
cosmetics -- I don´t know!

I just -- I don´t know!

I´m sorry, Jean. You shouldn´t
see me like this.

I don´t want to make
that pretty face sad.

You know what? Order me a couple
of jars of that toning cream.

You need three.
Right.

Just don´t make me
look too young.

I don´t want anybody to think
my husband´s a cradle robber.

She´s worried about looking
too young for her husband,

she oughta just whip out
those chichis.

George, this is so great.

If we can sell all
the beauty products

that I have in the garage,
we can pay off carmen´s

school loan in no time!

All right, baby. Okay,
let´s celebrate at dinner.

Hey, and if you talk
to one ugly person,

we can write it off
as a business expense.

Honey, grandma´s going
to be watching you.

Order a pizza
if you get hungry, okay?

Can Ricky eat
in the kitchen?

Can I stick a videotape in Ricky
and watch "training day"?

You got the stuff?
You got the money?

Show me the stuff.
Show me the money.

Listen, I just want
a firecracker.

If you just want
a firecracker,

i´m not your guy,
but if you want m-80s,

Roman candles,
and bottle rockets,

you´ve come
to the right place.

Wow. How much
for a bottle rocket?

I´ll tell you what.
The first one´s free.

But then how do you make
any money?

You let me worry about that.

I want to do it
right here.

Of course you do.

Where´d it go?

I don´t know.

Mom! I saw the fire trucks
outside. Is everybody okay?

Where are the kids?

Everybody is okay. We just had
a small fire in the garage.

The garage?

[ Gasps ]

Oh, no.

All my la Marie boxes!

Angie, be careful!

What the hell
were you thinking?

How many times have I told you
that this

isn´t putting out
a cigarette?

It wasn´t me!

I flick it
to the neighbor´s yard

like decent people.

What the hell
were you thinking?

Why are you
accusing me?

You snuck out of the house,
you got a hickey,

you smoked a cigarette,

you are one hard lemonade
away from arson.

I did it.

I knew it.

What did you do to make your
brother burn the garage down?

Ricky gave me
a bottle rocket,

and I shot it off,

but I didn´t know it would
land on the garage.

I´m really sorry, dad.

Sorry doesn´t cut it.
You can say goodbye

to your allowance
for the next year.

But, dad --
no, I don´t want
to hear it.

Max, you destroyed
the garage.

Oh, man,
my golf clubs!

No. I put them
in the car.

No, I put them in the garage
to clean them!

No, I put them back.

I don´t remember!

It´s gone.

All my cosmetics are gone.

Well, thank god
we have insurance.

No.

Our policy is not going
to cover this.

I didn´t have time
to declare it.

So how much
was this stuff worth?

$17,000.

We owe $17,000?

Well, I have to pay
for the inventory,

and I can´t sell it
to anybody now!

Well, what the hell
were you thinking

keeping that much inventory in
the garage in the first place?

I was dreaming it
and believing it

like they say on page 3
of the manual!

"I" is for "insist
they buy it,"

"n" is "never take no
for an answer,"

"v" is for "volume,
volume, volume"...

I´m dyslexic!
Don´t spell at me!

We can´t afford
to pay $17,000, not now!

Not with everything else
we´re trying to cover!

Angie, we´re screwed.

My lucky putter.

You made it.

Aah!

♫ all my friends ♫

♫ know the low rider ♫

Yes, $17,000
is a huge amount,

but why does la Marie need it
in two weeks?

Oh, come on.

Like it says in the manual,
we´re all sisters.

"S" is for solidarity,
"i" is for inspiration...

Very nice. You put la Marie
lipstick on that mouth?

Hey, you guys have been working
all morning. Now, who´s hungry?

Not me.

I´m skipping one meal every day
to help pay for the garage.

You´re going
to need your strength.

Because i´m going
to hire a monkey,

and he´s going to grind
and you´re going to dance.

My own monkey?

No, he owns you.

Come on, you guys. Let´s just
try to forget about the money

and have some breakfast.

How about some scrambled eggs,
we´ll call my dad for a loan,

and maybe some French toast?

No, i´m not taking money
from your dad.

Okay, okay.
Then how about some waffles,

please just swallow your pride,
and maybe some orange juice?

You know how many years
it took me

to get your father´s respect?
And now you want me to ask him

for money because I can´t
meet my obligations?

That´s not going to happen.

Well, your pride is not going
to pay for the cosmetics.

Well, I wouldn´t have to pay

if Max hadn´t burned
the garage down.

The garage wouldn´t
have burned down

if Carmen hadn´t taken
the battery

out of the smoke detector
for her cd player!

Well, none of this
would´ve happened

if grandma was watching Max
instead of "sábado gigante."

Yeah, who gets a job
where they have to keep

$17,000 worth of beauty crap
in the garage?

I will tell you who!

Someone who can´t type.
[ Gasps ]

Stop it. We are not
going to solve this

by turning
on each other.

You´re right. We should
focus on the boy.

No, we have to focus

on how we´re going
to get the money.

Look, i´ll start by trying
to get another job,

but we´ve already taken
a second mortgage

for carmen´s private school,

and our credit cards
are maxed out.

Well, why don´t
we just call your dad?

We know he´s rich.

No way. He never helped
me and my mom

back when we needed it,

so i´m not going hat in hand
to him now.

Your father´s right.
We will figure this out.

The most important thing
is that none of us

were injured,

and we all still
have each other.

Stitch it on a pillow,
sister. We need cash!

Hey, George. Can I talk
to you for a minute?

You know, maybe later, Ernie.

I got a lot
on my mind right now.

Here, open this. I think
it´ll cheer you up.

Is a giant snake
going to jump out?

Because it wasn´t funny
at my uncle´s funeral,

and it´s not going
to be funny now.

Just open it.

Holy crap,
how much is this?

$3,000.

You´re my best friend, George.
I want you to have it.

Come here.

You´re the best, man.

But I can´t take it.
Why not?

Because it´s not enough.

I gotta have the whole $17,000
by next week.

Okay.

Hey, listen, this is probably
not the best option,

but, um, Sergei
in shipping --

he knows a guy
who knows a guy

who can get you some money
pretty quick.

Sergei -- the guy who sells
caviar and green cards

out of his trunk?

I don´t think so, man.

Okay, well, then, um,
how about some peanut brittle?

Is the snake in there?

No.

Hey, Jack, Mel, how about
some peanut brittle?

Bad career move,
dude.

You wanted to see us,
George?

Yeah, uh, listen, guys,

I never did this
when I was on the line,

and it´s kind of embarrassing
now that i´m manager...

My family and I are
in a tight spot, man.

I was hoping
I could get an advance.

Well, sure, George.
Yeah, no problem.

I´ve got $60.
Here´s, uh, $40.

Actually, I was hoping
for a little more, like,

two, maybe three months´
salary.

No.
No, no...

George, we can´t give you
that kind of advance.

Well, how about
just a month?

No, no can do.
It´s against company policy.

Look, if we break
the rules for you,

then we´ll have
to break them for everybody.

So you´re, uh,

you´re really in a tight spot,
huh, George?

Yeah, I am.

I´m uncomfortable.

You?

Yeah.

No luck, huh?
No.

What are you going
to do now?

I have no idea, mom.

Things have never been
this bad.

I got to come up with some money
fast, or i´m going to get sued.

Listen, i´m sorry i´m not rich
like your father.

You know if I had manny´s kind
of money, i´d help you out.

Thanks, mom.

Phoenix, please.

The number
for a Manny Lopez.

Benny Lopez?

Lydia Lopez?

Thanks for meeting me.

I came to Phoenix

because I wanted to do this
face to face.

I´ll tell you something,
I never thought

i´d be sitting across
from manny´s first wife.

Well, you wouldn´t be
if I thought I could stomach

sitting across from Manny.

I don´t see it.

What?

Manny left me for you.

You know, i´m not saying
you´re ugly or anything,

I just don´t see it.

Let´s keep this civil.
We could fight...

I could repeat everything that
Manny has said about you,

but that´s not going
to get us anywhere.

You´re right.

What´d that jackass say?

Well, he said that you were
the first woman

that he ever danced with,
the first woman he married.

He said you were the first woman
to pull a knife on him.

He said that?

Benny, why am I here?

Listen.

Manny owes me a crapload
of money

for leaving me and my kid.

He got rich.
He never gave us a dime.

Listen, it took a long time

for Manny to build up
his company.

He didn´t have any money
to give

until George
was already grown.

Well, now he does,

and George is in trouble.

He needs $17,000.

And Manny should do at least
one nice thing for his son.

So, why doesn´t George just go
to Manny for the money?

George is too proud
to go to him.

He won´t take the money unless
he thinks it´s coming from me.

So you write me a check,
and i´ll tell him

I won it at the track
or something.

Okay, i´ll talk to Manny.

Good.

I guess we could order
something to eat.

We don´t have to.

That´s fine with me.

Oh...

Benny, do you want
to take a poopy

before you go
in the car?

I don´t think that´s any
of your business.

Aw...yeah, I heard
he named the dog after me.

You know, I should name
something after him, too.

I´ll call you as soon as I hear
about the money.

Is that all right?
Yeah.

Here´s my number,
but let it ring...

I might be on the Manny.

Excuse me, i´m looking
for Yuri.

Sergei at my plant told me
there was a Yuri here

who could, you know,
help me with a problem.

[ Russian accent ]
Little problem or big problem?

I need 17 grand.

Oh, teeny-weeny problem.
Have a seat.

Man, listen,

my son lit
this bottle rocket,

and my garage burned down,

my wife´s cosmetics
were in the garage --

please, my day ends at 5:00.

It´s 20% interest.
You pay it back in a year.

Sounds fair.

One more thing, I need you
to drive a car to Mexico.

Okay, nice doing business
with you.

No, no, you just take
a nice drive over to border.

Is there something
in the car?

No, just a nice
new sports car.

One thing, don´t answer
cell phone.

Dude, I got a family. I can´t
drive a hot car to Mexico.

Okay, I understand.
Forget that.

You go to Mexico.
Drive a car back.

With what,
drugs in the trunk?

No.

Chinese people.

Look, you´re not going
to expect this coming from me,

but i´m actually in favor
of tighter border controls.

I´m outta here.

[ Knock on door ]

What are you doing here?

You were supposed
to call me.

I have a check for George.

Great. Give it to me,
and then you can go.

No, Benny. Manny says
to give the money

directly to George,
and he said that on occasions

you have been an unreliable
courier of cash.

Are you George Lopez?

Well, hey, listen,
if you´re here from la Marie,

i´m just going
to tell you the truth.

My wife left me and took
all the cosmetics.

This is not a good time.

All I wanted
was somebody to love.

I´m not from la Marie.

No, she´s from
three blocks over.

Alzheimer´s.

I´m taking you home
now, edna.

George, i´m Lydia.

I´m your father´s wife.

What´s going on?

I don´t know.

Mom, what is she doing here?
What did you do?

She came to see me in Phoenix.
She said you needed help.

Look, I don´t care
what she said.

Please hear me out.

Your father
was very touched

when he heard that
you were looking for him.

He knows that he hasn´t been
there for you all these years,

but he wants to be there
for you now.

Here´s a check
for $20,000.

He doesn´t care
how much money it takes.

He just wants to make things
right between you and him.

Honey...

George, it would mean
a great deal to him

if you took it.

He´ll take it.

I´m sorry.

I can´t deal with this.

I mean, I really appreciate
you coming here,

but I can´t talk right now.

Okay, I understand.
But i´m sure you would want

to call your father
and thank him.

I´ll call.

Okay.

How could you do this?

What the hell
were you thinking, mom?

Do you even know
who I am?

You weren´t helping yourself,
so somebody had to help you.

I´m your mother.
You don´t come to me and say,

"I don´t know what to do,"
and expect me to do nothing.

Yes, I do.
If there was anybody

I could tell
my worst troubles to

and expect to do nothing,
it was you!

Don´t be stupid, George.

Swallow your pride,
and take the check.

You need it.

I´ll tell you what I need.

I need you
to stay out of my business.

This is my problem,
and i´ll take care of it.

Whoa. Your problem?

This doesn´t affect just you.

This affects everyone
in the family.

What are you saying?

I´m saying we´re in trouble,

and we´re running out
of options.

Maybe...you should think
about it

before you tear up
that check.

What are you thinking?

I think i´m going to Phoenix.