04x02 - Landlord Almighty

[bunniefuu]

Hey, George, I was wrong, man.

It was a good idea taking Angie golfing with us.

Yep, she's gotta learn about them.

If you're gonna make a bet, you gotta be able to back it up.

That's right.

How could I miss a four-foot putt?

I sink those all the time, miniature golf.

Without that little windmill, your game kind of falls apart,

doesn't it?

What's all that?

Carmen's changing her room around.

What is that?

It's a piece of drywall.

She's cutting into the wall I built.

If she hits the extension cord back there, she could electrocute herself.

Carmen, what the hell are you doing?

She's getting hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot!

Changing my room the way I want to.

And the mannequin?

It symbolizes my spirit escaping its confinement.

Is your spirit so dumb it can't use the door?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Carmen, what is this about?

Okay, Mom.

I grew up so much when I ran away.

I mean, don't you get it?

Young Carmen is leaving,

but part of her is still stuck in this house.

What happened to those cute little poems

you used to write about death and despair?

I'm still writing.

I'm pretty sure we can have her committed for this.

Okay, you know what?

I'm not even done yet,

so why don't you leave me alone and let me finish?

Okay, you're right, you're not done.

Because I want everything put back the way it was.

You're fixing the wall, you're repainting,

and I want that wiring brought up to code.

Fine, then I'll run away again.

But you're not running away.

Oh, yeah?

I'm already packed.

Okay, Carmen, this is no reason to run away.

No, no, no, it's not just the room.

I mean, it's all the stupid rules.

I proved I could handle myself on my own, Mom.

I want to be treated like an adult.

You want to be treated like an adult?

Yeah.

Okay.

The rents do the first.

What?

Yeah, $300.

You have to pay for your own phone, do your own laundry,

and you know what?

You have to take the bus.

Fine, if that's what it takes to get you off my back.

I've already got a job, I'll just take an extra shift.

Okay, then you're our tenant, okay?

Any problems with the building, bring it up with the super.

He lives in the next room, and he's 11.

She just wanted to change her room,

which is a sign she's gonna stay,

and you had to start another battle.

It's only gonna last a couple of days.

When Carmen sees how tough being an adult is,

she'll be begging to be a kid again.

Maybe we can even break her down to the good years.

Oh, was she that summer I really liked her?

Six.

She got her tonsils out and she whispered the whole summer?

Daddy, can you read to me?

I can't hear you, honey, go to bed.

All my friends know the lowrider

The lowrider is a little higher

So she gets scared

Evening, neighbor.

What's the matter?

I just worked another double shift.

My neck hurts, my back hurts,

and my feet are twice their normal size.

You know, it's none of my business because you're a tenant, but have you considered clown shoes?

Oh, hey, sorry.

This is family food.

If you were one of my children, you could enjoy as much as you want.

Watch out.

Carmen, you got some mail.

It's over here.

You got something from school, something from your friend Toby,

and two pieces of junk mail.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Angie!

Go to your room and eat your mail.

You know, I'm really sorry, but that's not for tenants.

Oh, I thought I smelled pizza.

How come Grandma gets to eat for free?

It's not free. Your father owes me.

I spent a fortune feeding him, clothing him, taking him to doctors.

To dentists?

Once.

You took me to the dentist once.

Anything to stop that whining.

Oh, oh, the air hurts my teeth.

I'm going to go take a nap before I study.

Oh, hang on, Carmen.

Your cell phone bill came.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

A hundred and twenty dollars?

Oh, my God, I can't pay all this.

Well, you're an adult now, and adults pay bills.

Hmm.

You see that?

Slump shoulders?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dead eyes?

Spirit almost crushed?

That's good parenting.

It's a start.

You won't be really great parents until you realize that this isn't just for salad.

Now you know why I flinch every time you toss a salad.

Torturing Carmen was not part of my life.

It's part of the deal.

Come on, Angie, it's only going to last a little bit longer, okay?

Carmen's going to break soon.

Hey, Mom, do we have any toilet paper?

We do.

Wait.

Don't throw that away.

There might be cans in it.

Why are you sitting out here?

Because I didn't pay my share of the gas bill, so Dad said I can't use a stove.

Oh.

I'm hoping the sun will heat up my burrito.

Why didn't you eat it when it was warm?

Because somebody else was eating it when it was warm.

I got it out of the trash at work.

Look, because you're my sister, I'm going to help you out.

I'll put an extra scoop of food in the dog's bowl and leave it out in the yard.

Oh, so, Carmen.

It's the first of the month.

Rent's due.

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've been working really, really hard, but I just don't have all the rent yet.

Can I please have another week?

Look, as your landlords, the rent's due, and there are no exceptions.

But if you want us to be your mommy and daddy again, all you have to do is agree to live under our rules.

Carmen, this is crazy.

You're 15 years old.

Let us take care of you.

I'm feeling okay.

I'm okay.

It's my hair.

It's my hair.

There's someone here to see Carmen.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

I would've left her at the front door, but cars with potential Johns were already starting

to line up.

Carmen!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, you guys, this is Taylor.

We hung out in San Francisco.

She's one of Chingy's dancers.

Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

I know a guy who shoots for a motorcycle magazine.

Yeah.

He said I've got a chance at the cover.

That's so cool.

You're so lucky.

But you do all this to pay for nursing school?

Mm-hmm.

Why does she need to go to school?

She's a dancer and a model.

Yeah, I'm like a triple threat.

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Angie, keep up.

So, anyway, I thought that while I was in town, maybe we could hang out, hit the clubs.

Mm-hmm.

The guy from the magazine, he said he'd take me to the club.

We could do some crazy parties.

I wish, but I can't.

I'm working all the time.

My dad's making me pay rent.

Oh.

Landlord and dad, I'm like a triple threat.

Watch out.

You know, I need a place to crash.

Maybe I can help you.

You know, I could pay you, like...

A hundred bucks a month.

Really?

Uh-huh.

That'd be awesome.

Yeah.

Uh, Carmen, can I see you over here for a moment?

Okay, I don't know where she parked the dream camper, but Barbie's not staying here.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can't do that.

You can't change the rules just because I found a way to make it work.

The deal was, I pay for rent, and I get to do whatever I want, which includes taking in a roommate.

Wait.

Or, Taylor can find another place to stay.

You can go back to being my daddy, and I can still do whatever I want.

The rent's $3.50 for two people.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, it's beautiful.

The plan's still working.

I still believe in the plan.

George.

It's working!

Mom, is that girl really living here now?

I guess so.

Every time I doubt you, you always do something to make me believe again.

Thank you, Santa.

And you're not thinking about changing your life.

I'm always the same.

I know you're looking around.

I'll be out in a minute.

Just reach out and call me.

Okay.

Bye.

Always the same.

I know.

I'll be right back.

Oh.

We're done, you know.

All right.

Okay.

hours of the same bass line, but I hear the steady beat of a plan that's working.

Plan is working. Plan is working. Plan is work, work, work, working.

Why don't you shake it on down to Carmen's room and k*ll that music?

I know what you're doing. You're not mad about Carmen.

You just want to see me shake my money maker. Watch out!

I was studying to that.

You're not anymore.

Wait a minute. No, no, wait. You're my landlord.

You can't just walk in my room without knocking.

I got a complaint from your neighbors.

You know, the Lopez's nice people, cute son, too bad about that daughter.

She got took away.

People don't like that.

People don't like that.

People say she cut up mannequins, wrote on the walls, ate out the trash.

Sad.

Oy, your cell phone's dead.

Cut out while I was talking to my girlfriend in New York.

Nice phone, Carmen.

Uh, Taylor, that's my top.

Oh, I know, but it goes so great with the skirt.

Because that's my skirt.

So it's like an outfit.

Rumi, you can borrow any of my clothes.

You mean after I wash them?

You're so sweet to offer, but Max already asked.

What are you doing? That's my sandwich.

I'm sorry, I just have to eat something before I go out to this Hollywood Hills party.

Mm, can you spot me 20 bucks for a cab?

What am I, made of money?

What am I, made of money?

What am I, made of money?

What am I, made of money?

Okay, for a second I doubted the plan.

I even shook my thing to distract you circular.

Watch out.

But now, the plan is definitely working.

Ah, put this one in the wind column, Angie.

All you did was get a teenager to turn down some music.

Nope, it's better than that.

Carmen's about to crack.

Taylor's taking her clothes,

eating her food, using her phone.

She's an ungrateful, selfish brat.

It's perfect.

Carmen now has her own Carmen.

Night-night.

What's that?

Oh, that's Taylor. She's going to some Hollywood party.

There's a cab out front.

She probably wants a drink at the party.

Wait till she comes back and throws up all of her Carmen stuff.

She'll be like, the holly sh*t.

Carmen's getting in the cab, George.

What?

Carmen!

Carmen!

You know, if you had just let Carmen redo her room,

she wouldn't need a roommate,

she wouldn't be paying rent,

and she wouldn't be going out to God knows where right now.

What?

What?

What?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I have to go.

I have to go.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

George, I ran some numbers last night.

Not now, Bat.

No, no.

Come on.

You need to hear this.

I was figuring what I spent raising you minus how much you mean to me, and you owe me

$275.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh!

What is the matter with you two?

We were up late worrying about Carmen.

She went out all night with Taylor.

Who knows what they did.

Well, why don't you go ask her?

She's sleeping it off on the couch in the living room.

Carmen?

Hey.

What are you doing down here?

Taylor brought a guy home.

They're up in my room.

That's it.

Taylor, get down here!

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna handle this.

What's going on?

Is there a guy up in Carmen's room?

Yeah, about that, George.

I really need a favor.

I met him last night,

and I thought he was so yummy.

But now I'm over it, and I just want him to get out,

but, um, he won't leave, so...

could you go upstairs and ask him to leave for me, please?

Look, I got a better way.

You go upstairs, and you pack your stuff

like you're leaving, right?

Yeah.

Then once you go outside, just to make it believable,

because he'll follow you out,

you go to San Francisco,

and you stay there for the rest of your life.

Okay, I'm on, like, no sleep,

so if you could just say that again,

but just a little bit slower.

Let's see if you understand this.

Get your boyfriend and get out.

He's not my boyfriend, because you know what?

If he was my boyfriend, I'd know his name.

Okay, let's...

D-D-Dad, you can't do that!

She pays right here!

Do you really want me to bring her back down here

and tell her she can stay

so she can eat your food, borrow your clothes,

and spend your money?

No.

Are you ready to go back to being our daughter

and live under our rules?

You know, I still have that bag packed upstairs.

Fine.

Then go get it.

You don't mean that.

Yeah, I do.

Because having you out all night at parties

is no different than having you run away.

I need to know where you are and that you're safe.

But if you're not willing to do that for me,

then go.

You're kicking me out?

I'm giving you a choice.

You can leave this house and be on your own.

Or...

I will go upstairs,

unpack your bags,

and as your mother,

I will cook you a nice breakfast

and tuck you in for a nap

because you look exhausted.

Can I have French toast before my nap?

Yes, honey.

Come on.

Well,

we have our little girl back.

Yeah, she's back.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Years from now,

we'll be sitting ringside at a boxing match

with those kids of hers we're raising.

Cheering every time Mommy walks around

holding up a number.

Hey.

It's not as easy as it sounds.

You gotta keep the numbers in order.

Cheering

Max.

Max.

Taylor's not staying.

Oh.

Well, this isn't for Taylor.

Yeah?

Then why are those pancakes in the shape of a heart?

Oh, I start my Saturdays.

It's my business.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Ha ha!