04x10 - A Clear and Presentless Danger

[bunniefuu]

Ah, here.

I cleaned out my closet.
Take it easy.

What -- this?

This is what you're giving
to the needy at Christmas --

the thing that stamps
your name on golf ba*ls?

I've been slicing
the ball too much, Angie,

and I'm tired of guys
coming in from the parking lot

with bloody foreheads saying,
"are you George Lopez?"

I got up to 10,
and I'm like,

"nah, I can't talk
right now."

This is all the stuff
I don't want anymore.

Why are you
giving these away?

Half of them
aren't even opened.

'Cause I need room
in my closet

for all my new
Christmas stuff.

Here's a list
of what I want this year.

A list?

A paintball g*n...

A poster of Dave mirra --
who's that?

Dave mirra?

Bmx?

X games?

Oh, right.

He's one of those grown men
on a little bike.

He's like that...

Back to the list.

A new bike.
Seven video games.

An mp3 player.

A monkey.

Small, hairy animal,
disposable thumbs.

I know what a monkey is.

That's just one more thing
you're going to get tired of.

I'm not going to be
down here next year

dropping a dead monkey
in a box for charity.

No, if you got me a monkey,
I'd use it.

He could take out
the trash for me,

make my bed.

He could brush my teeth
while I play video games.

Watch it.
I'd be like this...

Yeah, maybe he could
go to school for you, too.

You might actually
get a "b" this year.

Okay, but it's my picture
in the yearbook.

I have a question about
the list you gave me, Max.

He gave you
a Christmas list, too?

Weeks ago,

but I can't find
this monkey cage game.

It's not a game, daddy.
It's an actual cage.

He asked us
for a monkey.

Ah, that explains
why he wants diapers

and a tiny accordion.

God, I hope so.

Well, I'm not
as greedy as Max.

I just want some nice outfits
from real clothing stores.

Here's a hint --

if you're pushing
a shopping cart

and dad's eating
a corn dog,

you're
in the wrong place.

Don't be such a Princess.

When your dad was a kid,
he wore clothes

from the county coroner's
thrift shop,

and he never complained.

I wore
dead kids' clothes?!

Hey, you can't
take it with you.

Who's going to Bury
their kid in shorts?

Oh, that reminds me --

dad, I saw this hand-painted
short-sleeve dress

from this really cute
boutique.

It's on sale for $300.
You have to get it for me.

What? Are you crazy?


for a hand-painted dress?

Carmen, I was walking around
in haunted pants.

You know, we spoil
you kids too much,

and it's going to stop
this Christmas.

You know
what we're going to do?

Each of you guys is
going to get one gift.

No way!
Dad, what kind
of Christmas is that? Mom!

Isn't that
kind of severe, George?

No, Angie.
You know what?

They need to learn to appreciate
what they have.

Look at all this
perfectly good stuff

wasted on charity!

An ant colony.
A microscope.

When you're poor, you don't
want to see things tiny.

Your father's
not wrong.

How about we make it
one big, thoughtful gift

instead of a lot of gifts?

And we'll make it fun.

We'll do secret Santa.

Okay, everybody,

write your name down
on a piece of paper.

We'll put it in a hat,

and whoever you get,

you have to
buy that person a gift.

Here you go, daddy.

Benny.

What, you're including
my mom in this?

She's part of the family,
isn't she?

Well, I guess
since our big talk

about contradicting you
in public, of course she is.

Can I talk to you
in private?

Are you crazy?

You know my mom at Christmas.
Whoever she gets is screwed.

It's the holidays.
We have to include her.

Do you really think

your mom would purposely
ruin someone's Christmas?

Are you kidding?

You know what I got
when I was 6, Angie?

A comb.

Notice I didn't say
a new comb.

George, the only reason
I agreed to this

is so the kids understand

what Christmas is
really about.

And maybe,

by putting faith
in your mom,

you might
learn something, too.

Yeah?

Let's see
how much faith you have

when you get
a dirty, broken comb

with dead kids' hair
in it.

Everyone's names are in the hat
but you and Angie.

Okay,
give me yours, Angie.

Okay,
everybody pick one.

In the spirit of Christmas,
I'd like to say a little prayer.

Dear lord,

please let my rich grandpa
pick me.

Carmen!

There's mine.

And the last one
is yours, mom.

Now how about we all
decorate the tree together?

Aw, come on, mom.
Do we have to?
It's so boring.

Hey,
you heard your mother.

Decorating the tree --
that's part of being a family.

You, too, George.

What did I do?

Hey, Vic.

Let's switch.

No way.

That jerk son of mine rigged it
so I would get Angie.

I swear to god,

I'll go
to the coroner's thrift shop.

There are
a lot of people her size

who can't
handle Christmas.

All right.
We'll switch.

Oh, him.

I know
how to take care of him.

Hey, aren't you going
to come in

and help
decorate the tree?

Oh, no, no, no.

I got to go
to the grocery store

and get ready
for the carolers.

I'm almost
out of eggs.

* all my friends

* know the low rider

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.

Hey, this ain't
your house.

I got an angel
I put up there every year.

Where'd it go?

I'm starting
a new tradition.

You know,

when I first came
from Cuba to america --

okay.

We could only afford
a tiny little tree,

but we found an angel
in a thrift store.

We polished
its golden wings

and put it
on top of the tree,

and behold,
my angel of freedom.

Right.

You know,
there's a beautiful story

behind my Jim plunkett
bobblehead angel, too.



I filled up
my tank with gas,

and they gave me this
for free.

That's my america.

You don't deserve freedom.

You don't appreciate it.

I appreciate you got a dumb
Cuban story for everything.

"I remember the first time
I blew my nose in america.

"Behold --

my freedom tissues."

You know,
as a cardiologist,

I know this argument is
causing stress for my heart,

so I must relieve it
by saying

estupido! Estupdio!
Estupido!

It's better now.

Hey, Max, you want
to watch some TV?

No thanks.

Come on, man. We haven't
seen the grinch this year.

I don't need to watch it.
I'm living it.

You don't need a pile
of presents under the tree

to have
a good Christmas, Max.

It's not even going
to feel like Christmas.

It'll be over
in, like, five minutes.

I'm going to miss
everyone opening their gifts

and mom says,
"save the bows,"

and you put them on your butt,
and you say, "unwrap this."

You know, it's funny --

before you kids were born,
your mom would unwrap it.

We'd be like that...

And now she just says,

"hey, you're wasting
all the good bows."

Look, I know
this is hard on you,

but maybe next time
you get more than one gift,

you'll appreciate it.

Yeah.

All right, that's good.

Hey, so who'd you get
in secret Santa?

You. I got you
something good,

because now I know
how bad your christmases

must have been
when you were a kid.

Angie, quick.

Are you
Max's secret Santa?

Well, I --
ooh, nice try,

but you're not going
to trick me

into helping you figure out
who got you. Mnh-mnh.

Look, it's not
about that.

Max is down.
I just want to make sure

his one gift
is something special.

Oh. Well, then,
I have to tell you.

Lame.

Angie, I went too far,
and I'm worried

his Christmas
is going to be ruined.

Well, in that case,
the answer is...

Lame.

Just tell me
who got Max.

I got him.

Wait a minute.
That's impossible.

I rigged it
so you'd get Angie.

You tried to rig it,
but I traded with Vic.

What do you mean,
you rigged it?

Well, I didn't want
to get a crappy gift,

and you're the one who wanted
to include my mom.

I thought
you deserved to be punished.

You wanted to punish me
on Christmas?

Okay, maybe "punish"
isn't the right word.

I wanted to --

I wanted to teach you
a holiday lesson.

Who says
I give crappy gifts?

You're right.

I really enjoyed

the one year
the school said

I couldn't come back
until I got my vaccinations,

and you said, "all right,
George, get them,

but that's
your Christmas present."

What did you get Max?

I took care of it.
Max will be fine.

Look, mom, Max is
only getting one gift this year,

and last year, you got him
a 3-pack of irregular t-shirts.

Did he wear them?

Once!

But the arm hole
was so close to the neck...

The teacher thought
he was asking questions all day.

You're just going
to have to trust me.

Angie did.

That's why she included me
in the secret Santa.

Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, all right?

I shouldn't have
insulted you.

I'm sure you got
something nice for Max.

Too slow!

Ha ha ha!

No wonder you always
came home crying

'cause they picked you last
in gym.

Give it up, mom!

What is your problem?

First you're worried
you're spoiling your kids.

Then you're worried
they're not getting enough.

They should be happy
with everything they get.

You know,
when I was a kid,

I got a black eye
for Christmas,

and I said
thank you.

Okay, you're right,
all right?

I'm -- I'm sorry.

When you put it that way,
how can you not --

aah! Aah!

"Boo hoo.

"The girl with the one short leg
got picked before me

at kickball. Waah."

You know that my muscles
didn't work right

because all you fed me
was crackers!

You will see this
when Max opens it

tomorrow morning.
Screw you!

What's
all the yelling about?

W-We weren't yelling.
We were --

ha ha.
We were re-enacting the...

Famous Christmas argument

between Joseph
and the three wise men.

"Who gives frankincense
to a baby?

He's just going
to put it in his mouth!"

"Screw you!"

Honey, thank you so much

for letting daddy
put up his freedom angel.

Of course, baby.

I know what that means
to your dad.

I would never make fun
of his suffering in Cuba.

What did you do
to daddy's freedom nutcracker?

I turned it
into Castro.

"Come, Vic.
See what will happen

if you try to take back
my island."

Just give me
the nutcracker.

Now I've got
two of those upstairs.

What?

I said,
"merry Christmas, my love."

Who's coming over
on Christmas Eve?

That must be
my elf.

Hey.
Did you get it?

Dude, it was the last
paintball g*n they had.

Oh, Max is going
to love this!

What are you doing?

Well, I know my mom's going
to get him a crappy gift,

and I want him

to have something nice
to open on Christmas morning.

But you're going
to show up your mother,

and she's going
to be humiliated.

And that's a good way
for me to end my year.

Hello.

No, you can't do this.

Then you have to wait
till Benny leaves

to let Max
open that gift.

Okay, but how am I going
to humiliate her?

George.

Promise me?

All right.

But if I smell
a bad gift, I'm there.

When's grandma Benny
getting here?

Oh, she moves a little slow
Christmas morning, Carmen.

Last night
she was at a bar

doing her traditional


* fa la la,
hic hic *

ahem.

In the meantime,

we should read this letter
from the family in Peru

who received
our Christmas care package.

Daddy,
would you translate?

Certainly.

Diego writes,

"thank you for the gifts.

The ant colony
was delicious."

Did they like George's
golf ball stamper?

Ah, yes.

"You'll be glad to know
that all our llamas' ears

proudly bear the name
George Lopez."

So much
for your penicillin and rice.

All right, I'm here.

Remember, George.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting.

Mom, why don't you
give your gift first?

Oh, great.

Grandma.

It doesn't feel
like t-shirts.

Does it feel like
you'll like it and shut up?

Okay, change of plans.

Max, why don't you open
something from Santa first?

That's not fair. Dad, he gets
two gifts, and I get one?

'Cause he's a boy. Quiet.

What are you doing?

Cool! This is the one

that shoots 18 paintballs
a second!

Oh! Careful, son.

You want to make sure
that the safety is on.

I think
we got our money's worth.

That felt like


My freedom angel.
She's hit.

My other present
from grandma.

Oh, man.

It's a picture
of Dave mirra.

And he autographed a program
from the first x games.

Where?

Somewhere
under the paint.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, now he's got
one present again.

Are you happy?

Okay to come in?

Come on, mom.
We all want you

to come back to the house
for Christmas dinner.

Why do you need me?

Don't you have
a backup grandma

that can sh**t paintballs
out of her butt?

All right, look,

in almost 40 years,

you never got me or the kids
one good Christmas gift.

I mean, how was I supposed to
know this was the year?

Because I told you
that I have it covered.

Do you know how much
I dropped on that thing?



And it's ruined.

That was
my whole Christmas bonus.

But you've never done
anything like that before

in your whole life.
I mean, why now?

The kid was
only getting one gift.

I wasn't going to ruin
a little boy's Christmas.

Hello?!

That was different.

I wanted
to do it right this time.

W-Wait a second.
What do you mean, this time?

Are you admitting that you
screwed up my christmases?

No.

Yeah, you are,

and you're trying to make it up
through my kids.

I think your little
grinch heart grew today.

Shut up.

Wow.

Give me a hug, mom.

Watch it.

I got a g*n
under my pillow,

and it doesn't
sh**t paintballs.

All right.

Look, get your coat.
Come on, mom.

Let's go back to the house
and have dinner.

You forgot
your Christmas present.

Who was
my secret Santa?

I was.

What is this crap?

It's your bar tab
from thirsty's, mom.

I paid it off.

I can drink
the good stuff again.

Merry Christmas, bat.

Even with the autograph
covered up,

this is still
the coolest thing ever.

Thanks, grandma.

Come here, you.

Oh, come on.

I love you.

I love you, too, grandma.

She doesn't love you, Max.
She hates me.

I'm sorry I ruined
your present,

so your grandma and I
made a stop on the way home.

Let's just call it
a Christmas miracle.

No way!
It's Dave mirra!

Merry Christmas.
What up, Max?

C-Can I have
your autograph?

That's what I'm here for.

I want to compete
in bmx

right after
I get out of college.

That's way too late. You sure
you need to go to college?

Yo, check it out, Max --
right now, I'm making bank.

Lot of guys
that go to college

end up working
in factories or something.

Just sign the paper,
bike boy.

So where are
the rest of the orphans?

Uh, they're all gone, Dave.

You know,
they make good gifts.