04x21 - George's Relatively Bad Idea

[bunniefuu]

Okay,
Benny and Linda.

Which of these dinosaurs
was a meat eater?

An allosaurus...

An apatosaurus...

Or a brachiosaurus?

He's cheating.

He is reading
in a thicker accent

so we won't understand
the question.

Fine. I'll read it.

Okay.

Was it...

An allosaurus...

...an apatosaurus...

Or a brachiosaurus?

Come on, mom.
You should know this one.

Think back -- which one
did you fight for food?

None.

They all died when your head
blotted out the sun!

So, that's what it feels like
to be a proud mother.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just playing
with my big brother.

That's pretty immature
for someone I'm not touching.

I'm not touching.

How was the dance, Max?

Lousy.

He's bummed because
he didn't dance with anyone.

I don't know how.
I looked like an idiot.

Why didn't you tell me?
I would've taught you.

Here. Come over here
where there's room

and do what I do.

He's not trying to get a job
on a g*y cruise.

Max, listen to me. There's one
dance you need to know.

It doesn't matter
what song it is,

because it's always
cool.

What is it?

I call it the g-lo-bot.
Wa-cha!

Huh?

It doesn't matter what the moves
are. A robot can do anything.

I call this
"milking the cow."

Now I'm eating corn.

Ah, ignore him, Max.

You have Cuban blood.
Of course you can dance!

Eh, here.
Watch me and Carmen.

I used to dream
about having a big family

like the ones on TV.

I'd even yell at the screen,
"eight's not enough!

Adopt
a little Mexican boy!"

I've finally got
what I always wanted.

My plans for a family
have been put off for a while.

Yeah, Tammy and I broke up.
The wedding's off.

What happened?

Well, we had
irreconcilable differences.

I wanted
to communicate more,

and she wanted
to have sex with strangers

while I was at work,
so...

Wow, that's tough, man.

Maybe you ought
to take a break from dating,

forget about women
for a while.

Yeah,
you're probably right.

So, your sister's single,
right?

You're like a brother to me.
It would be too weird.

I never considered you
a brother.

Yeah, really,
we just work together.

Yeah, excuse me.

I can't do that.

Milk the cow.

Oh, what the heck.

Eat corn. Eat corn.

You're gonna die alone.

Here. Find a beat
and move to it.

Good job.

Teach me how to dance!

Okay, the main thing is
you have to feel the rhythm.

Want me to show you?

Uh-huh.

No, I'm more
of a hands-on person.

I could do it a lot better
if I had a partner.

Ah, come here, you.

You must surrender
your pelvis to the music.

AI! AI! AI!

You know, my pelvis is really
uncomfortable with this.

Can we switch partners,
please?

Uh, sure.

Want to relive
senior prom?

* all my friends
know the low rider *

Linda.
Hi.

Wow, what a nice surprise
seeing you two days in a row.

You know, some people
would call that "fate."

Some people
would call that "stalking."

What's going on?

I'm helping Carmen look through
college scholarships.

Dad, we found one
where all I have to do

is write an essay
about the biggest obstacle

I had to overcome
in my life.

I got it.

"Dear college,
once I lost my cellphone,

"so I went to a pay phone
and called it,

"and my purse
started ringing.

"I thought,
'this is so weird.

"Someone's calling me
at the same time I am.'

true story. So give me
all your money, Harvard people!"

Stop.

I'll help you
with your essay this weekend.

So, um, you probably have
big plans this weekend, huh?

No. Maybe later I'll go home,
get some pizza, watch TV.

In that case, uh...

Make sure you get up
and stretch every couple hours.

You could get a blood clot
and die of strombosis.

Yeah, you could wear
control pantyhose,

but that's really
for varicose veins.

You know, I keep talking,
and I don't mean to.

He stopped for a breath.
Run.

Good night, Ernie.
I'll see you guys game night.

I told you --
you can't go out with my sister.

Hey, if I had a sister,
I'd let you go out with her.

I wouldn't go out
with your sister.

Oh, so my imaginary sister's
not good enough for you?!

Look, I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but...

I just know
she'd be nasty.

Yeah, probably.

George, dad is gonna be
staying with us

while they tent his condo
for termites.

You don't need
exterminators, Vic.

Just get all the bugs
and tell them about Cuba.

They'll k*ll themselves.

What's with the tux?

Thursday night is the
cardiologist association dinner

at the
Beverly Hills hotel.

You're gonna have to go to
Jason's playoff game alone.

I should go with daddy
to his cardiologist dinner.

That is sweet,
but no.

It will be too hard
for me

seeing you in a roomful of men
you should have married.

I guess Angie could have married
a cardiologist, huh?

Got divorced,
taken half his money,

hooked up
with some young stud.

Oh, that's what your wife did.
Did I hit a nerve?

Look, all the other doctors know
my wife left me.

So if I go alone,
I will be pitied.

I really need a date.

That shouldn't be hard.
You got a lot going for you.

You're a doctor.
You're rich.

Uh, you're a cardiologist.

You're wealthy.

You've been to medical school.
You got bucks.

That's six things right there
off the top of my head.

George, I'm sure I would make
quite an impression

with your sister
on my arm.

Do you think
Linda would accompany me?

No way!

She's part of the family.
I'm just getting to know her.

What is she gonna think?

"Welcome to the lopezes.

"Friday night
we play board games.

Saturday night's
for inbreeding."

I'm not talking
about dating her.

I'm just talking about her
companionship for one evening.

Forget that she's family.
She's way too young for you.

Are you kidding?

Half the doctors there
dumped the loyal women

that put them through
medical school

and now are dating
hot, hot hotties!

Okay, you're not
going on a date with Linda.

Forget about it.
End of discussion.

Would $1,000
reopen the discussion?

No, but you're my father-in-law,
and I respect you,

so if you have
something to say, say it.

You owe me $1,000 for the loan
to rebuild your garage.

Convince Linda to be my escort
for the evening,

and I will forgive
the loan.

What would I tell Angie?

Nothing.

Okay, let me get this
straight --

you're offering me $2,000
to set you up with my sister.

I said $1,000.

I'm selling you my sister, dude.
Don't lowball me.

It's so quiet
with the kids out.

You know
what we should do?

Watch "sportscenter"
and then...

The priest at our wedding
was right. We have become one.

Why is my father
kissing your sister?

Uh, did I tell you, Angie?
I paid off the garage.

Well,
I had a wonderful evening.

I was the envy
of every doctor in the room.

You are so cute.
I will see you Saturday.

Mmm.
I'm counting the hours.

Okay.

I guess aorta go.
Whoo!

Cardiology puns.
Ah.

Ahh,
you found my weakness.

Aah!

Daddy, what's going on?

W-W-What are you two
doing here?

I thought you were
at the baseball game.

Jason pitched a no-hitter.
The game finished early.

What are you doing? It wasn't
supposed to be a real date!

You knew about this?

Angie, please.
Let your father speak.

Look, I know
Linda's your sister,

and this is very awkward
for all of us.

But I never planned for
this night to become romantic.

I see.

So you shook "good night"
with your tongue!

I don't like this.

It's hard enough to see you
with someone other than mom,

but my sister-in-law?!

No! This is wrong!

Angie, I'm not just your father.
I'm a man.

I need love, affection,

and a woman to do this thing
to my ears that I like.

I can't...

I can't believe
you made out with my sister!

George,
I said I was sorry.

I promise you
I will be a complete gentleman

when I take her out
Saturday.

You're not taking her
anywhere.

This is over.
You're not dating Linda.

Why not?

When it ends,
it's gonna be ugly.

I just got her back.
I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

What makes you think
it'll end badly?

Oh, I don't know, Vic --
maybe she's 35, you're 90.

She speaks English,

And you don't.

She might want a bundle of joy
in diapers some day,

but it shouldn't be
her boyfriend.

Look, I know
you don't like this,

but I want to date your sister,
and I'm going to.

No, you're not,
because I forbid it!

Forbid?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You do not use that word on
Victor Garcia lantigua palmero!

Castro forbid me from leaving
the island, but I did it!

My parents forbid me from
marrying emelina, but I did it!

The president
of my condo association

forbid me
from having pets,

but I feed stray cats
every night!

I do what I want!!

George,
we need to talk.

You've got
a hell of a lot of nerve.

I was just looking out
for you.

I don't need you to.

What is going on here?

Look,
you are both my children.

If you're having a fight
about something,

I want to help
sort it out.

All right,
you're gonna go three rounds.

No hair-pulling
or kicking.

I want it to be a clean fight.
Let's get it on!

Mom!

Can we just have a minute,
please?

Go hang upside down,
bat.

Thank you.

George, you have been my brother
for two months.

You can't tell me
who to date.

Linda,
just picture Christmas.

The kids
are opening presents

and grandpa is feeling up
aunt Linda under the mistletoe.

That's not right!

You've been married
for 18 years.

You have no idea
what it's like out there,

the kind of losers
I attract.

I haven't
had a lot of luck with men.

Either they're selfish
or threatened by my career.

It's nice
to go out with somebody

who's mature
and knows what he wants.

If you're into older guys,
drive a meals on wheels Van.

They let you in their house.
Then you can make your move.

"Show mama how bad
you want this tapioca pudding."

You may be my big brother,

but you cannot tell me
who to date.

So, I will see you
on game night. So will Vic.

Because we're grown-ups,
and we can all act like it.

Wait.

Um...you know,
I live my whole life

with this constant
fear of rejection.

Like if I open up,
I'm gonna get hurt.

But that's mostly in my head,
and I got to get past it.

Linda Lorenzo, what are you
doing on Saturday night?

I have a date
with Vic.

Okay.
See you at game night.

What the hell?!

It's too awkward for her to date
somebody who's like family,

but it's okay when it's
somebody who is family!

There was $2,000
in it for me, okay?

It wasn't supposed to be
a real date.

I never thought
they were gonna end up kissing!

He kissed her, too?!
Gol-ly!

First your mom
and then your sister.

No, hombre!
That's low-class, George!

What do you mean,
"my mom"?

It was when you guys
went to Colorado.

I walked in on them, George.
It was horrible.

It was like a giant fish
sucking a broom.

Did you kiss Vic?

You are dead meat,
chatty Cathy.

I don't get it. I thought
you could barely stand him.

George, we were drunk,
and we were watching boxing.

You know how booze
and sweaty, bloody men

get my horses running.

You know, I-I didn't,
but thank you, mommy.

Ugh.

So,
who's coming tonight?

I invited everyone, Angie,
including Linda and your dad.

George, no!

I know you're still mad at Vic,
but they both need to be here.

We have things
we have to settle.

I can't pretend I'm okay
with this and play board games

while I watch my dad
make eyes at someone

just a couple years older
than me.

You and I are the same age.
She's my younger sister.

My point is
that you're beautiful.

Hey, I got to ask you,
Vic --

when did you fall headfirst
into the la brea tar pits?

I dyed it myself.

Apparently, when the box
says "four minutes,"

they mean "four minutes."

I think it looks good,
really.

I mean,
if you don't mind,

I got some old dress shoes
I'd like to buff on your head.

You know, maybe if you were
dating someone your age,

you wouldn't feel the need
to try to look younger.

Who says
that's why I dyed my hair?

Why else
would you do it?

Maybe he wanted the drapes
to match the carpet.

Ugh.

Shh. Don't move.

There's a black cat
on Vic's head.

Probably after the black mouse
under his nose.

Hey, Georgie.

Could I talk to you for a sec?
It's important.

What's going on?

Check it out.

$2,500.
That's more than Vic paid.

I want to buy a date
with your sister.

You're not
buying my sister!

But I do have
an older model

taking up
valuable showroom space.

Oh, Linda.

You look beautiful.

And you...

You did that
to your hair.

It was an accident.

You hate it, don't you?

Well, it's really --

that's smooth. Put her
on the spot there, super Mario.

Okay, now that
we're all here,

we're gonna start
with a different game tonight.

It's called "bombshells."

In the suburbs,
it's called

"you might want to sit down
for this. It's a shocker."

In the hood, it's called
"oh, no, you didn't!"

What are you
talking about?

Angie, there's something
you need to know about your dad.

Linda...
He kissed our mommy.

And I'm not talking
a peck on the cheek.

I'm talking
full-on mustache to mustache.

What?!

Daddy?

You told.

No, it was Ernie.

Hey, I only told
because it wasn't fair!

The only reason
George let him go out with Linda

is because
Vic gave him $2,000!

Dude!

What?!

You pimped me out
for $2,000?!

Why you got to say it
like that -- negative?

I didn't know you guys
were gonna end up kissing.

It was to forgive a debt
and, you know, some mad money.

Linda, please believe me.

The kiss with Benny
meant absolutely nothing.

Oh!

This is so sick!

You are using my daughter
to win me over.

What? Am I way off?

Look, whatever happened
between me and your mother

doesn't change
the way I feel about you.

That's sweet.

But I'm kind of nauseous.

And I just...

I think you have a lot of issues
you need to work on

before
we ever go out again.

So, what I'm hearing is, uh...
We're going out again?

Come on, Vic,
she's trying to be nice.

Don't make her say it.

Say what?

I think it's probably best
if we just stay friends.

Ooh. Ouch.
That hurt from over here.

So, thank you all for playing
"oh, no, you didn't!"

Okay, now...

I think it's best
if we played a game

and never
mention this again.

Okay, we need three teams.
Who wants to pick?

Oh, I think it's obvious
how we divide up now.

You and George
are on a team against...

The two people
Linda will never sleep with.

And the mother/
daughter team

who got tongued
by the hairy Cuban.

Who's got the dice?