18x05 - The g*ng Goes to the Ren Faire

[bunniefuu]

[Dee] I feel like we're
really close to the airport.

[Charlie] We are close
to the airport, right?

[Dennis] I can smell
the jet fuel.

[Mac] Guys, you're focused
on the wrong things.
Look, check out the quilt.

Is this what you've been
talking about the whole time,
this-this giant blanket?

It's-It's not a blanket.
It's the Quilt of Legends.

Each square represents
the most sensational moment

from that year's Ren Faire.

-Whoa. That's kind of cool.
-Hmm.

So, hang on,
is there a way that
we can get up on this quilt?

Yeah, there's blank spaces.

That's what I've been
talking about
the whole ride up here, guys.

-Oh! That's badass, dude.
-I belong up there, you know?

-I blocked him out.
-What's with the dude

with the avocado guitar?
What's that guy?

Uh... No, he's a bard,
and that's a lute.

He's hard, and you're
telling me that's a flute?

No, a-a lute.

Yeah, I'm not seeing
a lot of women up there.

Oh, that's because
women don't drive story, Dee.
Never have.

-Yeah.
-What are you talking about?

Women are at the center
of tons of stories.

-Name one.
-[Dee scoffs]

-[Dennis] Yeah.
-Rapunzel.

[stammers] Pretty passive, Dee.

I mean, it's just
a woman waiting in a tower
for men to climb her hair.

-I think the hair's
driving that story.
-[chuckles] Right.

-You know?
-That's the story

of a prince
with incredible core strength.

-It is his story.
-Yeah. The hair
is the vehicle to...

What's with the one
with the bare-a*s guy
and the rodent?

[Mac] Oh. That's old.
Forget about that.

Forget about that one?
That's, like, the greatest one.

-What's going on with that?
-It's right in the middle.

-What is that?
-It was a time in the '80s

where h*m* was rampant,
and there was
all these crazy stories

about people putting gerbils
up their asses...

-Oh, right.
-...and, like,
it's all bullshit.

None of it actually happened.

I do like the fact
that there's a sexual path
to quilt glory.

I might explore that.

-[Charlie] Okay.
-There's a real nerd kink
to these things.

-Really?
-I mean, there's a whole

underground sex thing here.
Yeah, nerd sex.

-They're all
banging each other?
-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

-No, don't make this
about sex, okay?
-This is their time to shine.

This is about chivalry
and bravery
and being transported in time.

It's about immersing yourself
fully in the world.

[announcer] Hold for dragon!

There's a dragon?
What was that?

[whooshing]

[Dee exclaims]

What the sh*t?

[sneezes]
Yeah, yeah, we're kind of
close to the airport.

-Yeah.
-Dude, that thing
almost landed on us.

[♪ "Temptation Sensation"
playing]

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

[Mac] What do you guys
wanna do first?

Throw axes, or joust, or LARP,
which stands for
Live Action Roleplay,

which is basically just
bashing nerds with foam swords.

Guys, check this out.

I just went, and I got
our parking ticket validated.

-So, how's that
for driving story?
-Nice.

-Boring story.
-No, not boring.

No, that... It's-It's active.
I took initiative
and I got it done. So...

-The guy stamping did it.
-Yeah, you were just there.

No, you're not getting it.
Okay, I...

-I lost it.
I think it fell out.
-Yeah.

It's fine. You know what,
give me a second.

-I'm gonna go look for it.
I'll find it.
-Go get the ticket.

Riveting story, Dee.
I'm sure they will
speak of this for eons.

[chuckles] Yeah. Good story.

Hey, you know what, guys,
I think I'm gonna go
dig up one of those lutes

-and be hard, you know?
-What?

I kind of want to get
one of those avocado guitars,
all right?

-I wanna shred.
-You're leaving us?

Yeah, I'm just
gonna poke around.

Uh, yeah,
speaking of getting hard,
that maiden just winked at me.

Where?

The one right there
with the incredible bosom.

I must pursue this.

-Wha-- You're leaving us too?
-You pursue it.

This they will speak of,
I can assure you.

[attendant]
Into the canals of pleasure.

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" continues]

h* there.

-What's up?
-Not so fast, my lord.

For if you wish
to seek the tender
delights of the flesh,

thou-est must deal with me,

for I am Kevin.

-Kevin, huh? Okay. Uh...
-Yeah.

-Oh, is that your...
-My maiden?

-Yeah, is she?
-Indeed she is.

-Oh, sh*t, okay.
-But if thou-est
desires a taste,

then thou may take-est a sip.

-Really?
-Yes.

-Oh, sh*t, that's...
that's kinky, man.
-Yes.

Hey, so what's the catch,
though, buddy?

Like, are you gonna wanna watch
or are you gonna
try to slide in there?

What I ask of you
is a riddle to prove thy worth.

Yeah, uh, sure.
Yeah, man, a riddle.
Fire away. What you got?

I move in silence,
sometimes ahead,
sometimes behind,

but lose me in the light,
and I am hard to find.

-What am I?
-Are you a shadow?

-Indeed, I am.
-[laughs] Yes!

You have proved your worth.

Oh. Okay, yeah. Do I have to do
anything else, or is that it?

That's it.

Oh. That's awesome, man.
All right, Kevin.

Great. Yeah, you nerds
are all right, man. [laughing]

-Have fun, dude.
-Oh, I'm gonna.

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

That's a hell of a spread
they got.

They got three different kinds
of onions.

Who gives a sh*t, Frank?

We're here for legacy
and glory,
and to get on that quilt.

You think they'll allow us
to double up on the toppings?

What? I don't know.

[exaggerated British accent]
Frank Reynolds?

-Yo.
-The king is
ready to receive you.

What's this guy's deal, Frank?
You want me
to knock this nerd out?

No, no, no, this is for me.
I reached out
to the owner of the faire.

I'm gonna buy this place.

You're going to run
a Renaissance Faire?

No, I'm gonna
bulldoze this dump.

I'm going to
put up a data center.
All right, well, look, look.

You wait here
and load me up with an omelette

as much sh*t
as they'll let you put in it.

I-I don't want to
wait in line all day
for eggs, man.

-I want to get on that quilt.
-Look, look, look.
I'll tell you what,

you get me a loaded omelette,
and I will put you
on that quilt.

And I will display it
right in the lobby
of the data center.

-Really?
-Yeah, sure.

-Okay, I trust you.
-Why?

-Huh? What did you say?
-Nothing.

-Just get me
the omelette, okay?
-Okay.

-I'm gonna go with the guy.
All right.
-Yeah. All right. Okay.

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

What's with those nachos?
Can I get in on that?

Those are the royal nachos.

-So that's a no?
-[phone buzzing]

The king approaches!

-[off-key horn blowing]
-Oh! Oh!

You gotta blow that
right in my face?

So... [chuckles] ...Frank
Reynolds, you repugnant
little man, you remember me?

No, I don't think so.

How about now?

Or now?

You guys from under the bridge?

We're the McPoyles,
you son of a b*tch,

and there's no way in hell
you're getting our land.

We rose from this land,

and when the sky falls,
we shall sink back into it.

Like clams
in their mating season.

This land has
nourished the McPoyles
for over a hundred...

-[announcer] Hold for dragon!
- [airplane whooshing]

What the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-...years!
-Years.

It was foolish of Ryan
to consider your proposal.

I simply thought
we should hear him out.

Quiet the boy!

-[yelps] Quiet, fool!
-[groans]

See, Father and Ryan
aren't speaking

on account of his past
foolish investments.

You have the video store,
you have the bowling alley,

and now the data.

[crying] I've brought shame
to our family's portfolio.

Now I'm the number one boy.

-Philip, do it.
-The royal meeting is over.

Don't blow that horn.

[horn blows]

So that's it?
You're not gonna sell?

Okay, well, you got no honor.
I'm telling you. You hear me?

You have no honor.

-Honor?
-Honor.

-You question my honor?
-Yes, I question it.

[snaps fingers]

Not you, not you.
You, golden boy.

[Liam mumbles]

-Oh.
-[both giggling]

Okay, Franken Berry...
[inhales deeply] ...Father will
consider your offer

if you can best him
at a royal challenge.

[horn blows]

Will you stop blowing the horn?
I'm going to stick that
right up your a*s.

He who blink-eth lose-eth.

-A staring contest.
-You blink, you lose!

[stammers] Weird, but okay.

Curses upon you,
you repulsive turd.

May your eyes be dry as a bagel
and crunchy as the desert sand.

[exhales deeply] Hey, man,
any way I could
skip ahead of you?

No, you already cut the line,
like, three times.

I know, I just...
I got places to be, so...

-We all have places to be.
-Yeah, yeah.

[chuckles]

If I had a stick,
I'd just be like,
"Bash, bam, bash."

And I'd be like,
"Block, force field,
backlash spell."

-And then you'd
be damaging yourself.
-No, I wouldn't be.

I'd be damaging you,

because there are
no force fields
in medieval times, nerd.

-Renaissance.
-[stammers] Renaissance?

We're in the Renaissance time.
This is a Renaissance--

You're an elf.
What time are you from?

We walkers of time
have no time.

-We exist everywhere.
-Bash!

-Block! Force field!
-Crash!

-Bash!
-Block! Force field.
Backlash spell.

-g*dd*mn nerds,
I can't take it.
-Yo!

Check it out.

♪ I'm a medieval dude
In medieval times ♪

♪ I got a lute
And I got mad rhymes ♪

♪ I'm hot as hell
In medieval times ♪

♪ On an avocado guitar, yeah! ♪

-[laughs]
-That's pretty good, yeah.

This thing's sick, dude.
What's going on with you?

Frank's got me on this
BS omelette quest or some sh*t.

Dude, oh, dude, you remember
that chick we saw earlier
that I followed?

She was so hot, man,
and I banged her and...

[chuckles] Oh, sh*t, you got
the... you got the... lute.
Is that what it is?

-Yeah. You know what?
-Yeah.

You should sing a song
about the chick
that I just banged.

-Dude, she was so...
-Yeah, but I didn't
see it happen, man,

-so it's kind of weird.
It's like--
-[Dennis groans]

I could describe it to you
in great detail.

But then you'd just be like...

♪ I'm a guy who likes
To make up stories ♪

No, I didn't make it up.

♪ I'm singing of my glories ♪

Well, you're singing
of my glories.

♪ This is a lute, not a lyre
This is a lute, not a lyre ♪

♪ I'm making up bullshit ♪

You should be really careful
with that kind of stuff

because then lies
become gossip,
gossip become rumors.

-[Charlie] Yeah.
-Next thing you know,

you're that guy
with the gerbil up his a*s.

The story
follows you around forever.

-Okay. No, I don't want that.
-You guys.

You guys are not gonna believe
what just happened.

-What?
-Okay, what?

So I went out
to look for that
missing parking ticket, right?

And when I was bending over
to pick it up,
I got blasted by a horse.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Oh, is that it?
-Crazy though, right?
Isn't that crazy?

And the thing is
that story's nuts
and I drove that story.

-Uh, no,
you didn't drive that story.
-Lotta horse driving, yeah.

Dee, you getting kicked
by a horse
is not you driving story.

If anything,
the thing driving the story
is the horse.

In that story,
the horse is the hero.

Yeah, the horse
is the hero, right?

Yeah, and there's kind of
no way to sing about that.

-There's no way into that song.
-It's a song
about a horse, right?

Who was just trying
to live its life and then
got understandably annoyed

by an irritating
and insignificant woman,

and had to kick her
out of the way.

[imitating Mister Ed]
♪ I'm annoyed at Dee
She's in my way ♪

Maybe it is a good song.
[chuckles]j

♪ I'll kick her
In her head... ♪

-It's not Mister Ed , I mean...
-Yeah, he's not Mister Ed.

-Yeah, it's not a good story.
-Shut up, nerd.
Focus on the line.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Uh... You know what?

Let's go find that chick, dude,
because I really want you
to see her...

-Yeah, I wanna sing...
-...and she'll speak of it.

[announcer] Hold for dragon!

[airplane whooshing]

-[sneezes]
-Oh. Immunity spell.
Immunity spell.

-♪ Show me the tent ♪
Where you made love ♪
-Yes. It's this one right here.

-All right, man, chill out.
-♪ Show me the... ♪

-This is--
-Oh. Jesus, dude.
What's that smell?

-It does smell bad.
Yeah. What is that?
-Is that...

-I don't know, it's like--
-Did you have sex
in that stench, dude?

Uh... Yeah,
that is coming from the tent.

But no, it wasn't like that
when I was in there.

I mean, it did smell
a little bit like that, but
it was... It's gotten worse...

-Oh, dude. Yeah, it reeks, man.
-...you know what I mean?

It's getting hotter outside,
so things are

-cooking up in there.
-That's nasty.

Halt. You, sir.

I am quite cross with you.

This is her husband Kevin,
but it's okay. They have like
a kinky thing going on.

It's-It's all good.
What's up, Kevin?
I thought we were all good.

-Oh, we were all good...
-Uh-huh.

...until you slinked off
like a thief in the night
without payment.

Payment? No, no, no,
I thought... Hang on a second,

I thought you said that
the riddle was all I had to do
to bang your wife.

My wife?

Nay, sir, my employee.
My trick, if you will.

The riddle only provided you
access to the tent.

The deed itself requires
a payment of 100 quid,

and because you went off-menu,

it requires a payment
of 150 quid.

You got to make it your own,
you know what I mean?
[chuckles]

-Yeah, yeah.
-I don't know
what you mean, sir.

She is
my most experienced wench,

and I have found her confused,
sad, and despondent.

Okay, well, I'll just pay you,
and we'll move on.

What... Do you take, like,
Apple Pay or Venmo or...

I take Zelle.

Just, my Venmo's all f*cked up
right now.

-Yeah, fine. Well, Zelle then.
-Okay.

-You want me
to sing about this?
-Let's Zelle.

Yeah, I want you to
sing a song about it.

♪ He's a middle-aged man
Who disturbed a prost*tute ♪

What? D-Don't-Don't sing...
No, don't sing about
that part of it.

-Sing-Sing about how I--
-Well, that's what happened.

No, but she was like hot
and-and--

You went off-menu, dude,
and you creeped the lady out.

[sighs] All right,
you know what? Ah, g*dd*mn it.

[sighs] Here's what I'll do.
I'm-I'm gonna find
another maiden, okay?

Even more desirable.
Someone who has
nothing to do with Kevin, okay?

And mark my words,
I'm gonna bang her,
and you are gonna watch,

and you will sing of it,

and they are going to
quilt the sh*t out of it.
[chuckles]

Uh, Kevin, do you mind
if we use the tent
a little bit later?

Yeah, for 15 quid.

-Still don't know
what a quid is, but...
-Again, dude, just...

It's like $20.

It's, like,
basically the same.

Then just say $20,
dude, like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's not
pretend like I'm doing
something special here.

-This is my art, okay?
-[phone chimes]

[♪ "Symphony No. 40" playing]

A lot of elfin magic starts
with the hands.

A lot like a hula dance, uh,

if you've ever been to Hawaii
and learned any of that.

-Yeah, I think you're up next.
-Nope.

This omelette is gonna
make my powers
even more powerful,

because what is an egg?
A child of a chicken.

[fly buzzes]

[gasps]

Frank, Frank,
I got your stupid omelette. Oh.

-He blinked. You blinked.
-No, I did not blink!

-I win. I won. You blinked.
-No, I did not. Victory!

-You blinked. You blinked.
-Silence! Silence!

There's only one way
to take care of this!

You must face me in a joust,
horse and man.

-[trumpet plays]
-[groaning]

Jesus, stop with the horn.
Get bent.
I don't get on a horse, pal.

Wait, Frank, let me do it, man.

This is what
I've been trying to do all day.
Let me bash these nerds.

This is my destiny.

-[laughs]
-All right,
Mac is gonna ride for me,

but if he wins,
you have to sell me the land.

By the cabbage in my colon,

so it shall be, but...

-Golden boy.
-Oh, yeah.

[muttering]

-Go...
-Okay, Frankenboy,
but if we win,

-we get an eye.
-Huh?

-An eye.
-And not just any eye.

Mac's beautiful baby brown.

-Now stand back up.
-[cackles]

f*ck that.

What happened to
all the sh*t about the courage
and the destiny?

That was before we were
talking about plucking out
my f*cking eye, dude.

Wait, wait,
it's-it's only one eye, right?

-One. One eye.
-One eye. It's only one eye.

He's using cabbage in his colon
as collateral, Frank.

-It's valuable.
-I don't think this man

can be trusted
in a negotiation.

What is it with you?

Do you want to get
on that stupid quilt or not?

I guarantee you, you win,
and you are on that quilt.

-Center.
-Promise?

Promise.

-Okay, I'll do it.
-Ah!

[fanfare]

-[mutters]
-[shouts]

Jesus, stop with that horn.

Well, there's the
parking fee hike
that they're doing

because they're not validating.

Well, that was, uh...

That was excellent.
You did... You did good.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Uh, one more time, though,
you're not a prost*tute, right?

Why do you keep asking me that?

I just...
Just triple-checking that.
[chuckles]

Um, anyway, this will be fun
to talk about, right?

You're... You're gonna
talk about it?

Well, sure. I-I think
I should speak of this, yes.

Can-Can you not?

-Why? What's...
Oh, what's wrong?
-[cries]

[sobs] I'm married.

-Yeah, you're married.
-[sobbing continues]

My husband,
he was in a car accident,
and he lost the use of his...

His d*ck?

And it's been
so long since we...

-Sure.
-And this was so terrible.
[crying]

-Wasn't that bad.
-And it smells so awful
in here.

-This was a mistake.
-It doesn't smell great,
but that wasn't...

[crying continues]

It wasn't that bad.
It was... That was...

[scoffs] That was great.

Hey, dude, this was, uh...

this was really disturbing.
I-I don't think
I could sing about this.

Fine. Don't.

Please don't, like,
ever ask me to watch you
do that again, okay?

-Like, ever.
-Yeah.

Smells so bad in here, dude.
Like, so... What-What is that?

Yeah, well, it's not me, dude.

There's been countless people
in here, I'm sure.

My God. Dude, I don't even know
if we can be, like,
friends anymore, man.

That's fine, yeah.

I can't believe
you do that to people.

Why don't you just
get out of here, man?

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

-Let me explain
the one move to you. I--
-I don't want to know

-any more about it.
It's super weird.
-But I just want you to know...

-Here he is. What's up, dude?
-Hey. What's going on here?

Yo, what is this?

Oh, Mac is gonna
joust Liam McPoyle.

And if he wins,
I get to buy this dump
and turn it into a data center.

-Oh, okay.
-Okay, cool. And if he loses?

They dig out his eye.

Oh, sh*t.

[chuckles] Whoa.

-That is medieval.
-Yeah, it is.

-Yeah.
-What you two been up to?

I really don't want to
talk about it. Yeah, I just...

[fanfare]

-That guy
with his g*dd*mn horn.
-Yeah.

Lords and ladies,

the joust is about to begin!

[cheering, applause]

Jousters, make ready.

-[crowd cheering]
-[Pappy chuckles]
Look at my boy.

That's so fun, my boy,
my favorite, my...

Say, uh,
has Mac ever ridden a horse?

-sh*t if I know.
-I don't think he has.

-Dude's gonna get blasted.
-I think so. [chuckles]

Go!

[♪ "Ride of the Valkyries"
playing]

-[thud]
-[crowd gasps, murmurs]

Ooh. Told ya.

There goes the data center.

[chuckles]

[panting]

-[grunts]
-[crowd gasps]

Oh, sh*t!

An eye for an eye. [chuckles]

[laughs]

My eye!

Ryan!

[crowd gasps]

I'm blind!

The shame! The horror!

Breathe in. Suck a... [inhales]
Try to suck. [inhales]
Try to suck in with your eye.

Can you do that?
It's not going in.

Who is responsible
for this skulduggery?

'Twas I, Lady Dee.

Puller of strings,
master of puppets,
and driver of all story.

We will have our revenge.

Nobody messes with
the McPoyles!

[sobs] We better get the f*ck
out of here. [grunts]

Uh, I don't know
what's happening.
Dee, you look very c*ck.

You want to explain?

The limp, it's not real.
I made it all up.

-Why, Dee?
-Yeah, why?

Guys, I was never even kicked
by a horse.

-What the...
-What is she blathering about?

-I have no f*cking...
-I don't know.

You said
women couldn't drive stories,

so I masterminded
this entire thing.

See, I was spying on Frank

when I heard Liam say
that Ryan was no longer
in his father's favor.

Now I know that
Mac talks a big game
all the time,

but he's just a big p*ssy,
and there's no way he would
ever risk losing an eye.

So I convinced Ryan
to switch places with him.

And then when Mac was off doing
whatever he was doing,

I went and got
a new parking ticket validated.

So, you see, everything that
happened here today
was all because of me.

I drove every story.

It's true.
I gotta hand it to you, Dee.

That is all true,
and it actually is
a really good story.

-Except for the parking ticket.
-I was gonna say. Yeah.

-Yeah.
You could've left that out.
-I regret saying that.

You keep trying to throw in
something about
a parking ticket.

As soon as it was coming out
of my mouth, I was like,
"What are you talking about?"

-Forget that part.
-That's all right.

Either way, Dee,
I gotta admit, you earned it.

I think you're gonna be the one
up on that quilt this year.

Yeah! Yes!

-[announcer] Hold for dragon!
-Ah, sh*t.

[grunting]

-[sneezes]
-[squeaks]

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]