01x01 - Smetterling

[bunniefuu]

You must have heard

that the flap of a butterfly's wings

can cause a storm on the
other side of the world.

This story is also about a butterfly.

But it never actually flapped its wings.

But first I have to tell you

how many idiots I have to
deal with here every day.

This guy here: Junior.

He likes to smoke pot
while he's working.

And later he'll tell us he has
a prescription from Dr. Burgener

for his fear of heights.

Bullshit.

Everyone knows that
he just likes to blaze!

But when dealing with heavy machinery,

this stuff is really not recommended.

What have you done you little
as*h*le! Were you smoking pot again?

And that's me in the awesome ride. Bax.

If I hadn't been snoozing
in the cab all week,

and had a haircut,
I'd look a bit better.

But hey... crime never sleeps.

Junior, to my office immediately!

And there's something
else you need to know.

If you wanna get something
crooked goin' sometime,

then we'll probably run
into each other one day.

... Internet search for suspect...

or Gerda hits the bull's
eye during sh**ting training.

Always according to our motto: A
friendly cop is a respected cop.

I don't know what's wrong
with you. That's great.

Your cantonal cop.

Yeah, I dunno if he's
gonna like the "cop" thing.

That's young and cheeky,

and Dad really wants to appeal
to young people with this TikTok.

Innit... Little tiger.

You gave it your all again.

But Bax... can he
really drive that well?

Hey you know him, he always
thinks it's a Hollywood movie.

Why don't you go for a
beer together after work?

That surely wouldn't hurt. Kisses.

See you later.

- Hello Mike!
- Hello Frau Lötscher.

What do you want, f*cking cop.

Ah f*ck, this damned knee!

Valmira, you won't
believe what just happened.

I just went to the boss...

No... Wait now...

I'm supposed to get him pot
for ten thousand smackers.

No... I swear...

...cash on hand

Fricker has no idea
of the market prices.

Ahh five thousand profit for us!

Ahhh, realtalk babe,

with that money we can
produce your rap album at last.

Yes I know... yes... we need a pilot.

I've been on their tail
for over two months now.

They bring the stuff
across the frontier.

Here a twenty, there a fifty,

but now they want the big pots.

I knew, there's something smelly here...

Why don't you talk it over
with him... exactly...?

Crazy, isn't it?

No, I saw it on the news...

I'm in the Valais now.

Nothing big... Internal
investigations--

At a small station.

The Valais, after all.

Have you called him yet?

I should be back the day
after tomorrow. Yes, exactly...

And if not, you'll call, right?

Bye Erasmo...

This parking space is for the disabled!

Look... In the Valais they call it
parking for people with special needs

and I have a special need right now.

Ah... And I'm a cop.

Do you want to be there
when Frängi chases criminals?

When Bax sets a new top
time in driving training?

When Peter searches the
internet for a suspect?

Or when Gerda hits the
bullseye in sh**ting training?

For safety in the streets and country...

...and mountains.

And I chase criminals.

Gerda...

I've got them, these stoners!

Come on... I really got them...

Don't you understand that
I need a little distance?

Gerda... This is not about us.
This is purely professional.

This is something for the history books.

Come on! Again...

You always see the next
big case in everything...

I'm working with Frängi now.

Get it into your head!

Frank Cina.

IQ somewhere between the
thirties zone and inner city...

Loves women in bikinis, and g*ns.

That's why he's already laid
every woman in the station.

Except my ex.

Gerda. It's just like I said...

The stuff comes across
the frontier and they are--

Psssssh.

Yes...

Gerda thinks I'm too impulsive and
haven't done enough for our relationship...

Damn platitudes.

I think she just didn't
believe in us enough.

Because good cops have to go
beyond their limits sometimes.

Your cantonal cop.

A good cop has to go
beyond his limits sometimes?

Yeah... Yeah? I thought
for the young ones--

Cop? I never want to
hear that word again.

I really don't know how any of you
can come up with such a bad idea.

A good policeman knows
where his limits are,

and doesn't go any further.

Never.

But the shots are great.

Well, not all of them...
And the ones from the air!...

Unbelievable what you can
do today. Bravo Pirmin.

Yes, the aerial shots were actually
taken by Patrick with a drone.

Very nice. Patrick. How do
you like it here with us?

Patrick.

Our new trainee from Zurich.

In addition to his funny dialect,

he also has a tongue flap somewhere.

That is, when he speaks...

That's why we call him Butterfly.

Well, it's been great so far.

I've been well
received. It's a--

Oh dear, here we go again.

Luckily Pirmin has to
take care of this guy.

...and I also wanted to
thank you personally again--

OK. Thank you.

Edit this for me and
then load it on TikTak.

Additionally we have,
for the next few days

a special guest here at the station.

Mrs Brotz?

Mrs Brotz is here in the Valais on behalf of
the federal police to make a few inquiries.

She'll be in room E2

on phone 74.

So... remember:

You never get a second chance
to make a first impression!

Mrs Brotz?

Thank you very much, Chief Biffiger.

Actually, everything has been said.

Fedpol routinely visits various
local police units sporadically.

After tomorrow, this should be over...

I will certainly have
to do with some of you...

with certain individuals I
already had the pleasure...

I am happy to work with you.

Thank you.

Your package from the forestry office...

Frängi... they've got you again.

Twenty too much?

You could have looked
a bit prettier, Gerda...

I told you there was a radar trap.

Bax already got caught
three times in that bend.

I heard its not only in
the bend you come too fast.

Every time a cop is flashed

he has to throw a tenner
into the piggy bank,

and when it is full
there's a radar party.

This year we were in the Pfynwald forest

and yes... it got a little out of hand.

Shh. You don't have to
rub her nose in it...

Why do you think she's here?

I told you:

What happens in the Pfynwald
stays in the Pfynwald.

Hey, take a look at her YING profile.

She first trained as a cook,

did applied psychology in Fribourg,

a master's degree in Princeton...

and has now opened a podiatry
practice in Bad Ragaz.

Peter... This isn't her.

She has completely different hair.

But there is a certain similarity.

Fedpol doesn't recruit for
the Edelweiss team, does it?

The special unit?

Yes, what else? The ones who get
called out when something big happens.

b*mb scare, hostage situation,

ten kilos of coke.

Only the best of the best.

Then you already know she
isn't here because of YOU.

Why don't you shut the f*ck up, Frängi.

Bax.

Can you still use your hand to...?

Jerking off is difficult...

but it's just about enough to punch
you in the face a few times....

Bax come to my office.

And bring Mrs Brotz a coffee!

Jesus Maria.

Look... He just provoked me...

and now that he's out with Gerda,

he's taking full advantage.

When will you come bowling again?

You know: the Valais
Trophy is in three weeks.

The Albins have brought in
a Russian. Olga Petrinova.

Was a Russian national bowler...

Somehow they shoved
fifty thousand up her a*s,

gave her a flat and tax reductions...

If things go on like this, we'll
never hold on to the trophy.

Look. It would do you good...

a little distance from Gerda.

Now you're coming up
with this sh*t too...

The doctor says I just have
to wait another six weeks...

But he also said that maybe
I should see a psychologist...

Yes--

But I'm still busy with
these stoners anyway.

You'd better leave it alone
with those two dealers.

What? No! I'm on the
verge of a breakthrough.

This morning they shifted ten
thousand francs back and forth--

FINISHED! Stop. I don't want
to hear any more about it.

- Diego.
- It's not the right time.

But I feel it. Now is
exactly the right time.

As long as the Fedpol lady is here,

you're gonna sit on your a*s.

- That's an order.
- Why?

It's good when something
happens when she's here.

Internal investigations
are never a good sign.

We have to keep our heads
down and not attract attention.

For the love of God, this
was a gift from my wife.

If I'd kept my head down back then

you wouldn't be sitting there now.

Rappaz was a super coup at the time.

Fifty tons of hemp.

Six years conditional.

And I uncovered the whole thing.

Diego actually just surfed my
wave, from private to captain.

Lucky punch, I would say.

You know, Bax... a case like Rappaz

only happens in the
Valais every hundred years

You were still young.
A young hunting dog.

You smelled blood.

But times have changed.

In the old days... they
still let us do things...

the Fedpol didn't come
by right away when you..

did a radar party.

Excuse me. I'm looking for
the tape of the zebra song.

- Is it with you?
- Ah. Exactly...

Bax, Pirmin

in the afternoon you all do
the traffic training together.

- What?
- What?

Hey. I'm a cop, not a baby sitter!

- and I have enough on my hands
with Patrick... - With this one--

That's enough now. Otherwise
you can wash the cars.

And take Patrick with you.
So he sees how it's done.

Bax,

keep your head down!

If you want to sit here one day,

You must learn to deal with
situations just like this.

Make sure he doesn't make a mess.

Salvatore?

Sure, he tells us without a stop
to final destination,

while he's feeding in the...

Osteria Francescana: Fresh fish,

Carne Cruda, Tramezzini, Lasagne...

How can you work if your
brains are out of gear?

Your underdeveloped brain needs only
a quarter of the energy mine does.

Ooooh. You haven't said
a damn thing since Milan.

And since when are you interested
in this damn Machiavelli?

I started reading once too...

It's quite
complicated--

We're almost here!

Yes, it's damned difficult
to find a good pilot.

I got out there...

...and leaned against the car.

Where the f*ck is that b*tch?

He'll come...

We just have to stay cool now.

I am f*cking cool!

But I do wonder how
you're going to manage me

when I have to wait for people.

It should be the other way around.

People should have to wait for me.

This one. Valmira... wants
to be a German rapper.

Spent a few months in jail for
allegedly poking out someone's eye

because he pushed her on a bumper car.

Romi, Claudi... they know how to manage.

They were in a school
like this in St.Gallen...

WOW. Fantastic.

They can assert themselves

and even go to the GYM.

Maybe I'd better watch with them.

Hey, what make is your car?

Fiat Panda... Why?

Sit in the Panda,
Dollar Bills Make Money

Tomorrow Gucci,
Prada, Roli, Rararri --

Ready?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. Forget the moustache.

So far, I've only made coffee
and changed printer cartridges.

We both know you're overqualified

and I really do have
a good sense of talent.

When I watch the talent shows on TV...

I always know who's going to win.

Pietro Lombardi?

before he opened his mouth
I knew he was going to win.

But I can't even speak
with a Valais dialect.

You're not meeting them
just for coffee either.

You go in there and say: "Hi everyone,
I'm the butterfly, I'm the pilot"

Say it.

Hi everyone, I'm the
butterfly, I'm the pilot.

Hello everybody. I AM the
butterfly, I AM the Pilot!

I am the butterfly, I am the Pilot.

Again.

- Hello everyone...
- Hello everyone...

I am the butterfly... I am the pilot.

- Hello everyone. everyone.
- Hello everyone.

Everyone with O at the end.

- Hello everyone
- EveryONE

Hello everyone... I am the
butterfly, I am the pilot.

- I am the pilot.
- I am the pilot.

Yeah. There you go.

You're a natural. I told you so.

Back then with Rappaz.

I was your age and I almost
sh*t my trousers too...

but look where I am now,
what I've achieved...

You can do that too.

Really?

Yes.

You are my little Pietro Lombardi.

Give me your shank.

Eh?

Your leg.

Patty Schnyder!

But Bax... I've never handled a g*n...

Never even been to my
first sh**ting class.

Look that's just a backup,

those two are low-brainers...
There's no danger from them.

And if anything should
happen, we're connected.

Check, Check...

What I didn't tell him then:

she has a criminal
record like a phone book.

For all those younger than 12:

Phone books used to have
all the numbers in them.

Enormous things.

And remember:

My future is in your hands.

So don't f*ck it up!

Close the door. It's cold.

Take it easy. You can do it.

He was stirring petrol...

I think that's him.

Now you say it:

Hello there. I'm the...
er, the butterfly.

I am the pilot?

What the f*ck?!

What?

You can tell from a kilometre
away that he has Asperger's...

Or what? Are you a f*cking cop?

No... I am the pilot...

Yes, very good... very good.

Yes, a little Asperger's
never hurt anyone.

Especially when it comes to flying.

He has the most experience.
4.5 out of 5 stars!

Butterfly69. Quickly on Photoshop,

then on Silkroad with it,
and those idiots booked him.

Sit down!

Sit down. This is the invitation.

And stay cool.

How much can you take like that?

Say it like: Three kilos.

Like three kilos...

Ragazzi, everything OK?

What can I bring you?

Just order anything.
I don't give a sh*t.

Say: apple spritzer.

One apple spritzes, please.

Apple spritzeR! Apple spritzeR!

Apple spritzer, please.

He even has a speech impediment, huh?

All OK? How was the pizza?

- Great.
- Siguro. Va Bene. Grazie.

- Can we pay now?
- Sure.

Look at them more seriously.
Look at them angrily. Go on.

Ask now what it's about.

What is it about? Uh, what is it about?

sh*t, that was close...

Two hundred for the flight.
That's all you need to know.

What?

Ask what it's ABOUT!

We need to know exactly.

We have to
know exactly--

- NO NOT WE! I have
to know exactly--

I need to know exactly.

What do I have to transport?

Yes, exactly.

A little more of this.

- What is it?
- What is it?

What is it?

Butterfly. I need this on TAPE!

Attention. Attention.
Frängi's Pizza Tuesday.

Which pizza do you want?

- We need this
on tape-- - NOOOO!

What?

What do I have to transport?

Don't you see?

Butterfly. Make an effort.
What do they want to transport?

This is Biffiger. One Quattro Stagione...

What is this?

Ask again. I need to know!!

Peter here. One Pizza Diavolo Extra Hot.

f*ck, f*ck...

So what do you think?

Fly over three kilos?

f*ck! f*ck! Frängi abort! Now! Abort!

Abort immediately!

Ah f*cking sh*t...

Hello?! I'm talking to you.

f*ck, cops!

Frängi! Hey Frängi!

f*ck f*ck f*ck...

Frängi... tell him extra mozzarella.

- OK yes.
- Thank you.

Shh... Frängi!

Come here.

f*ck, what do you want?

Don't go in the tearoom!

You're already a mega
stalker... Gerda, look!

Really no nerves left for the guy.

Listen,

let me get the pizzas.

No way! It's Frängi's Pizza Tuesday.

no, no wait.

You can take over for me tomorrow.

It's not Frängi's Pizza Wednesday.

It's Frängi's Pizza Tuesday.

And that's sacred for our colleagues.

- They need--
- I'm paying!

Make sure mine has enough
bacon and onions on it.

And it stays Frängi's
Pizza Tuesday! Understood?

Whatever?!

Hey Bax...

You looking for Rappaz?

Not now Ludi!

Pinotti. Can you make
the pizzas now, please?

I'm coming back...

Hey, it's occupied!

sh*t.

Yes, of course you can
say it was a stupid idea

to send the trainee on
such an important mission...

but I always say:

You'll never learn to swim
from the edge of the pool.

f*ck dude.

Why didn't you check
the weather forecast?

And check out my new Balenciagas.

You know how much they cost?

The drone is now back in Swiss airspace.

I told you he had it in him. Awesome!

Mhmm...

Butterfly,

everything OK?

Damn it!

You idiot! My book!

What the hell was that?

What the hell are you doing?

Salvatore said: NONSTOP!

I'm going on without you!

Stinking b*stard!

Oops!

What d'you mean, Ooops?

Actually, this should glow green...

Dude what does ACTUALLY mean?

Given the precarious weather conditions,

it may have initiated an
automated safety landing.

Dude. There's f*cking
merchandise on there for 10K!

What are you standing
around for? Go and find it!

The drone must have got stuck
somewhere up in the trees.

Yes, Patrick. This is Pirmin again.

Please call me back as soon as possible.

I just want to know where you are.

Just call back.

Damn.

Traffic training?

Yes. Bon appetit!

Thank you.

- Mh. You've made a nice video.
- Thanks...

By the way,

are there any video recordings of
your company outing in the Pfynwald?

Uhh...

No... Not that I know of.

Too bad...

Ah, tell the trainee to get
back to me when you see him...

OK.

Bax, we're too late. The
kids are already waiting!

I'm not coming to that
damn traffic school.

- What's this?
- Pizzas?

No. This.

What does it look like? A moustache.

Today is Frängi's
Pizza Tuesday, isn't it?

Nooooo! It's Bax's Pizza Tuesday...

And now don't get on my nerves anymore.

First I'm going to eat
my prosciutto mascarpone.

What is this sh*t?

So, we have to move on... Let's go.

- We just have to stay calm now...
- Dude what d'you mean take it easy?

We were gonna use the money
to produce a rap video.

She'll k*ll
me if we--

You remember what I said at the
beginning about the butterfly effect.

I really had the feeling

that we would land the next
big coup with our trainee.

Once again on the front page.

I could have finally proved to
Gerda that I still had it in me.

Hello, this is Patrick Künzler.

I am not available at the moment,

but you're welcome after the beep...

...to leave a message.

I'll call you back when I get a chance.

Goodbye.

But yes, that about the butterfly.

Maybe I really did expect a
bit too much from a trainee.

If you want to know

how Pirmin and I did
at the traffic training

And what I have going
on with Martina Hingis

what happens when you hold your hand

in front of a semi-automatic
weapon when you sh**t,

what was in the damn truck

of those two Italians,

how Butterfly's first sh**ting
training on the Simplon went,

and where I most like
to spread mascarpone: