04x24 - George Negoti-ate It

[bunniefuu]

Did you see where mom hid my
birthday present?

No, but you'll never find my
gift because I haven't made it
yet.

You're going to make something
son, that's so sweet.

If you were 3.

Now that's just cheap so hit the
mall little man

and don't come back here with a
picture of you on a tshirt. I
know what you look like.

Nice try Angie, hello.

Don't be a jackass, wait for you
birthday.

Morning honey, nice a*s.

If you like it now, wait 'till I
unwrap it, wa-cha circular.

Would you stop looking for you
gift, you're never going to find
it.

But I'll tell you this much,
it'll be the most amazing thing
I'll ever do for you.

You found a stranger? As long as
you think she's pretty.

Uh! Not that!

Hey, the cute delivery guy
left this out front.

Why didn't he come
to the door?

He asked if I was willing
to accept a package.

We had a little
misunderstanding.

It's from Jason's father,
in Switzerland.

It must be
the custody papers.

What custody papers?

We're gonna become
Jason's legal guardians.

Oh, so, the couple that
can't discipline their own kids

is gonna take in
a 6-foot-4 jock

who's coming off steroids.

Why don't you just
adopt that monkey

that ripped
that guy's face off?

Then, who's gonna groom you
Sunday night?

It's just for three months,
till he goes to college.

His own father
pushed him onto steroids.

He's kinda lost right now.
He needs some guidance.

You realize, Angie,
we are now owners...

Of a white boy.

I've rented,
but never owned.

When we go shopping,

we're gonna have to go
in the Caucasian aisle.

Get mayonnaise, sunscreen,
and the mild salsa

'cause the other one's
really hot!

We just signed
the custody papers.

Welcome to the family.

Oh, my god,
that's great!

Yo, Angelina Jolie,

stop kissing your brother,
cochina.

Mr. Lopez,
since we're family now,

I could really use your help
with something.

You know, Jason, I want you
to look at me as your father,

so if you have
any problem whatsoever,

please -- go to Angie now.

We're done here, now get me a
beer son.

Jason,
what's the matter?

I got drafted
to play minor-league baseball,

but I got two college recruiters
coming today for football.

I don't know what to do.

I remember
when I was your age,

and I had to choose
between two offers.

The taco stand was coming at me
hard with my own hair net.

Then the car wash,
at the last minute,

stepped up with a sponge
and big black boots.

I was internally torn.

If the signing bonus was bigger,
I'd go with baseball.

But it'd be nice
to get a college education.

Well, I thought
you were gonna pick usc

so we can stay together.

Oh, don't leave.
I wanna be with you forever.

Honey, I'll tell you
what I told your dad

when he was 16 --

desperate and clingy does not
make someone love you more.

So you think it's desperate and
clingy to follow your girlfriend
to cheerleading camp

in Phoenix cuz you're afraid she
might talk to another guy and
forget all about you?

I call that devotion, wa-cha.

All right, Mr. Lopez,

if you were in my position,
what would you pick?

Would you go with
football or baseball?

I can't tell you
what to do, Jason,

but I'll sit through
the meetings with you,

listen to what everybody
has to say.

If you get overwhelmed,
just turn to me

because
I'm Mr. Calm, cool, and --

wa-cha. Not yet.
Wait for it.

...collected.

I'm here
to see Jason McNamara.

Donovan McNabb!
I can't believe it!

Hey, man,
you want some soup?
No, thank you.

Is your mom here?
Mom!

You're going to Syracuse!

* all my friends
know the low rider *

So you'll be
throwing the ball a lot.

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I'm gonna do this official,
because I know I can only talk

to designated coaches
who are certified recruiters.

So, sir, I'm gonna
have to ask you to sign in.

I'm supposed to sign in
on a football?

We're out of paper.

Make it out
to your best buddy, George,

and put the date and time
please, sir.

That must be your competition
from central Florida.

Ah, crap.
Daunte culpepper.

Seen him at the coffee shop
looking through maps.

I can't
belie-ih-seh-la-hum!

Mr. Culpepper,
please come in.

Donovan, daunte.

Daunte, Donovan.

This is, um...

Awkward.

Did you steal
my day planner?

This is the third kid
you beat me to.

Beat you to a super bowl, too.
Didn't I?

Snap!

Yeah, you did,
but you lost, though.

Ohhh!

Smell that!
Somebody got burned!

* lean back, lean back

Carmen, what are you doing
in that?

Since the recruiter from usc
couldn't make it till tomorrow,

I'm representing
the school's interests.

* I see you at usc

* if you pick it,
you get m-e-e-e-e *

* i-i-i-i'm

I'm important
in your life.

* you'r-r-r-r-e embarrassing
your family-y-y-y *

* oh, they're the trojans,
they're the champs *

dude!

I got it.

Now that
playtime is over...

Let's get down
to business.

Wa-pah!

Who can offer me
the most stuff?

Central Florida has already
offered Jason a full ride.

A full ride.

Now we're talking.

We're talking about convertible
with 20-inch rims

and speakers so loud, fat people
jiggle when you drive by.

* buh buh buh buh

* hoo hooooo

no, no, no. Central Florida's
a clean program.

All we can offer him
is a full scholarship.

Same for Syracuse.
Anything else would be ill*gal.

You mean,
so, I'm just picking schools?

Man, I could do that
off a brochure.

I got your message,
George!

I came over
as fast as I could!

Mr. Donovan!
Mr. Daunte!

I'm a huge fan!

Can you believe it?!

Ernest! Please!

These gentlemen are here
on official business.

Cheese!

Ernest: Got it!

Woh, what about me?

Come on man, don't be that guy.

I'll be in touch.

Fighting miners?

Hey, where'd you get all this
southern Kentucky college stuff?

Some agent.

When he found out I was helping
Jason pick a school,

he sent me eight boxes
of this stuff.

Isn't that
against the rules?

Only if Jason takes it.

I got the perfect thing
for you. Wa-cha.

"Don't touch me.
I'm a miner."

Yeah, we want to encourage
more women not to touch me.

Listen, I want
to ask you something.

Um, if my birthday present
to you was Lakers tickets

but I was on a budget,

would you rather sit with me
in crappy seats

or go sit by yourself
in a good seat?

Ernie, you know it's only a
birthday if I spend it with you.

So, why don't I meet you
at thirsty's after the game.

Eh, can I borrow this? I want to
scare my mom when she comes out
of the shower. Grrr.

Your mom's a 400 lb woman. You
want to scare her, show her a
vegetable.

Is the usc guy here?

Not yet.
What's the matter?

Jason's game went into extra
innings. He's gonna be late.

Don't worry.
I'll handle the usc guy.

I want to meet him, too, dad.
I don't trust you.

I have to tell you
something,

but you have to stand
on the other side of the glass.

Just do it.

Jason and I talked,

and we feel that the best school
for him to go to is usc.

Oh, my god!
Are you serious?!


she wets herself.

I'm gonna go back
to the game.

You know Carmen is going to be
visiting Jason at usc every
weekend.

That's great, by the time she
gets to college

she'll already know how to win a
wet tshirt contest at a frat
house.

Don't worry mom, she won't be
competing against you.

Maybe they'll create a little
chichi division.

No baby leave it on. It might
help the usc guy seal the deal
faster

if he thinks other schools are
interested.

It's like when we were dating
and you'd pretend all those
other guys were into you.

They were interested George.

You can turn it off baby, you
won.

Hi. Jim morey,
usc football.

Hey. George Lopez.
Come on in. Have a seat, Jim.

This is my wife --
Angie.

I thought you might like
some coffee.

Ah.

You have a lot
of southern Kentucky stuff.

Are you guys alumni?

No, that's just from an agent
that wants Jason to go there.

So, Jason accepted gifts
from an agent?

No. He hasn't accepted a thing
from anybody.

Look, I did my homework.

I know that I'm the only one
who can get stuff for free.

And you're not related to him
at all?

Then the gifts
would make him ineligible

to play college sports.

Not related whatsoever.

Well, I thought you were
his legal guardian.

Uhhheee-uhhhh...

George?

Oh!

I forgot, man --
we are alumni.

I thought
you said "aluminum."

You know when you go to southern
Kentucky there ain't much to do

but drink so the whole 4 years
are a blur. Some nights I was
like uhhrrr.

I'll get it.

Max. What happened?

I was trying
to make enough money

to buy dad
a good birthday gift.

He was at the mall
selling clothes out of a box.

I thought
they might be stolen.

Tell him, dad.

Tell him how you got
all this stuff free

from the guy who wants Jason
to go to Kentucky.

Officer, I've never seen
this boy before in my life,

but it's apparent to me
he's on the glue.

Officer,
this is our son,

and none of this stuff
is stolen.

Mr. Lopez, I don't think
Jason's going to be playing

college football at usc
or anyplace else next year.

What are you
gonna tell Jason?

Oh, god. What are you
gonna tell Carmen?

I'm gonna tell them
the truth.

I'm gonna tell her
Jason had a brilliant career

and Max messed it up.

Selfish.

What did the ncaa say?

There's nothing they can do.
Jason's screwed.

We ruined his chance
to play college football.

What do you mean "we"?

Oh, I see -- it's easy
to be Mrs. George Lopez

when everything's
going great, huh?

Not always.

Well, congratulations.

Not now, mom.
I feel bad enough.

No. I'm gonna give you
a compliment.

It took you 16 years
to screw Carmen up.

It took you 13 years
to screw Max up.

It only took a couple of days
to screw Jason up.

You're getting good
at this.

Jason is our responsibility now.
What are we gonna do?

Angie, please.
I --

I got nothing.

Jason just finished his game.
He's icing his shoulder.

Is the usc guy still here?

No. He left
after a very eventful meeting.

Well, how did it go?

When's his first day
of practice?

I'm gonna see him
every day.

George, don't you have
something to say?

Can you tell if it's Jason
when he's got his helmet on?

Not really.

Okay, then,
he's number 11.

Honey, there's no easy way
to say this,

but...

Jason can't play football
at usc or any other college.

What?

What happened?

I screwed up, Carmen.

I didn't know I could ruin
Jason's eligibility

by taking gifts.

You did this on purpose.

You never wanted us
to be together.

You're so cruel.

Your father is not cruel.
He's just incompetent.

Well, he's still got
the baseball offer.

Oh, yeah.
That's great, dad.

He can go play baseball
in the middle of nowhere,

and I'll never see him
again.

I'm gonna go tell Jason
what you did.

You ruined my life!

Don't listen to her,
George.

You didn't ruin her life.
You ruined Jason's.

No, I didn't.
'Cause I can fix this.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna call the baseball guy
to give Jason a better deal.

I'll be his agent.

You don't know the first thing
about being an agent.

How hard can it be?

I have a nice suit,
the hair gel,

the ability to look someone
in the eye and lie to them.

By the way,
thank you for that.

You're the best mommy
ever.

It's easy with a wonderful son
like you.

George, won't you be
in over your head

with this baseball guy?

He negotiates for a living.

Angie, please.
I can negotiate. Test me.

Well, okay --

I disagree.

Honey, that's probably
the baseball rep.

I think
you're out of time.

That's okay.
I got all this legal stuff down.

Ask me a question.
Not yet.

Let me get in position.
Wait for it.

Well...

Okay -- in the event
of a breach of contract,

would you seek out
third-party arbitration?

Get your tube top ready.

Wish me luck. I'm off to broker
my first deal as an agent.

What's in the briefcase?

Breath mints
and a little black comb.

Oh, hi. Dan driskel.
You must be George.

Nice to meet you.
Come on in.

Thank you.

I got the impression
Jason wasn't excited

about the signing bonus
we offered.

Well, he wasn't.
And neither was I, Dan.

So you're gonna
have to do better.

Uh, breath mint?

No, thanks.

Okay.

So, we came in
at a $100,000 signing bonus,

but we're prepared
to sweeten the offer.

How does something in the
neighborhood of $200,000 sound?

Sounds like a neighborhood

with bars on the windows,
couches on the lawn,

and a sad little Mexican boy
tied to a lemon tree.

True story. I'll tell you
when I know you better.

George, my g.M.
Won't let me go any higher.

Well, then, I guess
Jason's gonna have to take

that offer to usc
and play football.

Usc offered him
a scholarship?

That's what I said.

If I was lying,

you think I could look you
in the eye and comb my hair?

You know what -- I put
a great offer on the table.

You'd be stupid
to walk away.

And you'd be stupid to let
one of your top picks get away,

especially one who throws


Just a minute.

I'm...making my own call
with this one.

$400,000.

I can't belie--

Not good enough.

George, listen to me --
I can walk out of here,

catch a flight to
the Dominican Republic,

and buy
an 18-year-old switch-hitter

for a sack of potatoes.

You celebrate your way...

I'll celebrate mine.

I trusted you with this,
Mr. Lopez!

I talked
to the baseball rep.

Oh, no. You didn't mess up
that offer, too, did you?

Do I have to pay them
to play?

No.

How does a five
with six zeroes sound?

You got me $5 million?!

No, wait -- five zeroes.
Whatever...

Whatever
half a million dollars is.

Are you serious?

And they're even going to pay
you to go to college if you want
to go later on!

You got them to agree to that
too?!

Yup!

You are part of the Washington
nationals organization.

You'll start on the minor-league
team in Georgia,

but congratulations,
my man.

You are now
a Savannah sand gnat!

Yes! Ha ha!

Oh!

What's a sand gnat?

Who cares? You're rich!

Mr. Lopez thank you. It's always
been my dream to play pro
baseball.

Carmen...

Look, I know
it doesn't look like a --

Carmen!

I'll go talk to her.

Hey, thanks again.
I mean, half a million bucks.

I don't know how to repay you
for this.

Well...

I could use
a new set of golf clubs.

Consider it done.

I thought
you were gonna ask

for the agent's
usual 10% commission.

Carmen.

Carmen, wait.

Look, I'm sorry.

I don't want to go away,
but I can't pass this up.

So, baseball's more important
than me?

No.

I love you.

Oh, my god.

That's the first time
you've said that.

Aw, crap.

We've gotta talk.

Okay.

You know, there was a time when
I had an arm like Jason's.

Could've gone pro.

I didn't know about this daddy,
why didn't you?

Ah, I would fall apart on the
mound. Hand shaking and vision
blurred.

So you became a heart surgeon
instead.

That's different. If someone
dies on the table, there's no
booing.

Just a respectful moment of
silence, then we huddle up and
get our stories straight.

I'm going to call Carmen and see
what's keeping her.

It's gotta be tough on Carmen
with her boyfriend leaving like
that.

I know what that's like.

I had the love of my life leave
me.

Well he didn't really leave me,
he got taken away.

Actually sent away because of my
testimony.

Aren't those done yet?

Angie says I can't
open my present until we eat.

Oh, George...
Always in a rush.

You know, in Cuba --

okay.

We savor
every moment of life

because
we are on island time.

That's 'cause no one has jobs
and no place to go.

For entertainment,
they watch a guy

paddle a refrigerator
out to sea at high tide.

I'm getting the buns and cheese.
Don't do the gift without me.

I just talked to Carmen.
She's on her way over.

She said you could either
open the presents now

or wait
a couple of minutes --

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

This is the guitar I always
wanted since I was a kid!

This is the greatest day
of my life!

Aaaaaaaah!

Well, what about
the birth of our children?

Well, they had the number-one
spot for 16 years.

That's a good run.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

It's already been tuned,
wha-cha!

Hey George, check it out, we got
you some lessons.

Hey come on in!

Aahh!

It's Cesar Lopez from los lobos!

Happy birthday honey.

Happy birthday George.

H-How did you do this?

Well his son goes to Max's
school and I met him at a pta
meeting.

All right George, show me what
you got.

You ready?

That's pretty good George, why
don't you try this.

Yaayyy!

I like mine better, I didn't
feel like you were connected to
yours.

I think the sunglasses make you
look distant.

Hey, Carmen.

Hey.

Happy birthday, daddy.

Aw, thanks, baby.

Whoa, Carmen. That's a big
hunk of glass on your finger.

It's a diamond.

Jason bought it for me
with his signing bonus.

Well, you've got it
on the wrong finger.

People might think
you're engaged.

Uh-huh.

Carmen?

Tell me
that's on the wrong finger.

Unh-unh.

Uh, I don't think so.

Either you move the ring,
or I'll move the finger.

I'm going to take off now.

You're 16.
This is not gonna happen.

Jason and I are in love.

We're moving to Georgia
and getting married.

Holy crap!

Carmen, you are too young.
It's against the law.

You're a minor. There's no way
we're gonna give you consent.

I don't need it.

We looked online and I can
get married at 16 in Georgia...

If I'm pregnant.

Are you pregnant?

Okay, who wants
their buns toasted?

Hey.

On lead guitar --
Cesar rosas!

On lead flute,
Ernesto cardenas!

Wa-cha.

Hey,
where are you guys going?