05x02 - You Dropped a Mom on Me

[bunniefuu]

for your own safety.

Now that Grandma Benny's living with us, don't talk to her in the morning.

Oh, and don't pet her while she's eating.

She'll snap at you.

Morning, Penny.

Are you holding up?

It's called a brawl. You wouldn't know about it.

What did I just say?

I thought I'd see how she's feeling after her house burnt down.

Are you crying, Mom?

No, you are. Shut up.

You can throw out your alarm clocks, kids.

That's your new phlegm rooster.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Ugh!

Hey!

Morning.

Morning.

What's with the can?

Oh, I hit the neighborhood.

to try and raise money for your mom.

I told everyone how she'd lost her savings when her house burned down and that-

Any amount of money will help, no matter how small.

Ernie, this can's empty.

Yeah, I know. She's not well liked.

Oh, there were some notes, though. Check it out.

You deserve it.

You had it coming.

What the hell does God have to do to finish you off?

Oh.

I hope you build a new house.

Well, that's not bad.

But this time the windows are painted shut so you're trapped inside

and you burn alive like a witch for which you are.

Who signed that?

I want to send him a Christmas card.

Actually, a whole lot of people signed it.

It's more like a petition.

Watch it.

Benny, I'm going shopping today.

Didn't need anything to get you started.

Everything.

toothpaste, deodorant.

Underwear, whiskey, you know, actually.

If you get me enough whiskey, I won't even care about the underwear.

Yeah.

Poor Benny.

I can't imagine losing everything and having to start all over.

Yeah, it'd be tough to lose those Speed Racer sheets

and that Rubik's Cube with one side finished.

Hey, it's a marathon, not a sprint, all right?

George, I'm going to be busy shopping.

Can you stop by the post office

and change your mom's home address to here?

Why don't I just point to the wanted poster

and tell them that number eight shaved her beard

and she's living with us?

Can't they just hold her mail, Angie?

She's not going to be with us that long.

Your mom lost everything.

She needs us, and we're going to be there for her.

No, it's going to be.

but we're gonna have to face the fact that she may be living here for a long-

Blonk.

time yeah how are you gonna face that by throwing myself in my work and turning my back on my family

that's mine

man benny's got no retirement she's not getting any younger

You could be living with your mom forever.

Ooh, that's rough.

Hey, fool, you still live with your mom.

Yeah, but I don't have to work with her.

You got no escape now George you're gonna be with Benny all day

Breakfast!

Carpool work

Carpool dinner.

Breakfast, carpool, work, carpool, dinner.

Breakfast, carpool, work, carpool, dinner.

Breakfast, carpool, work...

I got it.

All right, but you know what?

I only got to Wednesday,

because you know what Thursday's gonna be like?

Breakfast, carpool, work, carpool, dinner.

This is never gonna work out.

I lived with my mom for 18 years and it was hell.

I gotta get her an apartment.

Oh, yeah? What about what Angie just said?

So, how soon are you gonna get Benny out of here?

I don't know.

She's been through something pretty traumatic.

And it'd take her a while to get back on her feet.

Maybe a month.

What do you know?

Angie's night shirt fits me.

Want fries?

With this shake?

That's not a shake, but that's an unhappy meal.

All my friends know the lowrider.

The lowrider.

He's a little higher.

Carmen, this came for you from Jason.

He's so sweet.

I wonder what gift he got me.

ご視聴ありがとうございました

Thank you.

This is a picture of me. I sent him

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I know you don't want to accept that Jason's moved on, but...

This should make it pretty clear.

Why?

Carmen.

He's moved across the country, he won't return your calls,

and now he sent your gift back.

What does that tell you?

Mom, it's so obvious what's going on.

It is to us.

But what do you think is going on?

Jason's 3,000 miles away

A picture of me would just make him miss me more.

Sweetheart.

If I end up slapping you in your face, it's to help you, not to hurt you.

Look, I don't know why you're so worried about us.

When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.

When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

upstairs it matters

have you seen my mom she's smoking in the yard

So, Mom.

Tell me the truth, man. It's been a week since your house burned down.

I really feel.

Well, honestly...

I knew you'd bounce back. Let's look for apartments.

What?

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Is the mother bird trying to get rid of the baby bird when she kicks it out of the nest?

No! She wants it to get stronger!

Or di-train.

Did Angie put you up to this?

She was way too nice to me this last week.

I'm going to sell out my wife.

But, yes, she's behind all this.

I knew it!

Come on, Mom, really. How long did you think you were going to stay?

I don't know. You know, maybe enough time to save some money, get back on my feet.

Today's your lucky day.

Because I got your paycheck and...

I got you in advance.

All right.

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, come on, get your stuff.

Let's look at apartments.

Yeah, why not?

And I found a place I think you're gonna love.

It's by a liquor store and a men's shelter.

Huh?

Booze and men on their way down?

Tell me it doesn't feel like home, huh?

Hey Vic you like your apartment building right? Oh, it's fantastic

There's a gym.

A pool.

And all the women have rock-hard bodies that were built for thunks.

That's great, because I'm taking my mom over there to look at a studio today.

No, no, you cannot.

There are no vacancies.

But I drove by this morning, I saw a sign.

But drive by this afternoon, it won't be there.

I have to go.

Come on, Mom, we saw some great apartments today.

George, none of them felt like home.

That's because you haven't added your special touches yet.

You need to spill some beer on the carpet?

Put some claw marks on the headboard?

Maybe we can find a chubby Mexican boy

you can ignore for 18 years.

Oh, sorry, princess.

I didn't find any apartments.

You're still stuck with me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you don't have to hide it.

George told me that you want me out of the house.

You're all about family.

All right, hear me out.

All right, you go. I need time to think.

I have been trying to make her feel welcome here,

and you completely undermine me.

Okay, I got something.

This is my family.

Let me handle it.

When we got married, we all became one family.

Ah!

Okay, go again. I need more time to think.

Look, when my mom and dad came here from Cuba,

they didn't have anything but the clothes on their backs,

and my uncle, who hated my father,

took them in for two years.

Because that's what families do for each other.

No, that's what Cuban families do.

We're Mexican. If we don't like a relative, we don't deal with him.

Marry up my cousin, Tootie!

He'd say, I haven't talked to my dad in 17 years.

I'd say, where is he? He's in the living room.

You know...

There might be something deeper going on with you.

No, there's not.

There never is.

In 19 years, have you ever seen any deepness?

Maybe.

It's tough seeing your mom in such a vulnerable place because the parent is becoming the child and now you.

have to take care of her.

You know your reading is hurting our marriage.

Why don't you stick to the dirty novels?

Look.

I don't have time to deal with this.

I'm planning a big wedding in Malibu.

You need to get over your own issues

and make your mom feel welcome

because she's staying here as long as she wants to.

Angie.

End of discussion.

I told you not in front of my friends.

You better call 911, because you just got burned.

Woo!

Yeah, well, at least I got a woman to yell at me,

back burn!

Truce?

Yeah?

Done.

All right.

So, you ready to hit the driving range?

Yeah, let me get my.

I just need to give your mom a message from Big Jimmy.

Big Jimmy Briscoe the bookie?

Yeah, I saw him at Thirsty's last night.

He said your mom can't sign over her paycheck.

You'll only take cash.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

♪

We'll be right back.

How's the game, Mom?

Um, you know.

It's all right.

You rooting for anyone in particular?

No.

I don't really care.

Yes! Intercept him! Thank you, Lord!

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Check it out, it's a poker tournament.

And I could just spit all those chips.

to be stupid to take that kind of risk.

Unless he's leeching off his son, he doesn't have any real expenses.

So I made a bet.

Big deal.

Thank you.

Would you gamble, Mom?

I got you your paycheck.

I even got you an advance.

I went out on a limb for you.

That's my money and I'll do what I want with it.

Not when you're living in my house rent-free.

You're eating our food and she's buying your clothes?

It's moochin' off.

Excuse me for having fun, okay?

But my freaking house just burnt down.

So maybe I did blow a little money, but.

As soon as this kid makes this field goal,

I am gonna win it all back.

Crap!

Who misses a 20-yard field goal?

You know what, Mom?

I want you out.

I'm sorry you lost your house.

But I'm not going to let you take advantage of her.

give you money for an apartment.

believe this you're kicking me out this check will cover the first and last month's rent

And I hear Big Jimmy Briscoe's looking for you,

so I'll throw an extra $100 in for a hat and a mustache.

Maybe just a hat.

You know what? I don't need your stinking money.

There is a flag on the plate, and there is no way that this loser is going to miss another 20-yard field goal.

Crap!

Wait, there's another flag.

Oh, really?

No, I'm just playing with your sickness.

Okay, Carmen is still in denial.

Jason sent her gift back with a letter dumping her,

and she refuses to accept it.

Angie, this is a good thing.

Even if it's based on a total lie, Carmen's happy.

It's like the week you thought we were going to Spain on our honeymoon.

Can you believe it?

Mom's wedding dress almost fits me.

I don't know.

It must be 12 o'clock because cuckoo, cuckoo.

I'm going to see what it looks like outside

because I'm going to have an outdoor wedding.

Would you please talk to your daughter?

I can't get through to her.

What makes you think I can?

Because you're blunt and you don't care about people's feelings.

It's the only good thing I ever got from my mom.

I don't know.

Be honest, do you like this dress on me?

You look beautiful.

But we need to talk about this letter from Jason.

Oh, it's okay. He just has cold feet about the marriage.

The magazines say it happens all the time.

You know, I think it's more than that.

Look, I'm a guy, so I know what he's trying to say.

translate

Thank you.

Carmen, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.

That means here comes the hurt.

Both been through a lot of growth and change.

He's tired of you and he's moving on.

but we need to pursue other opportunities.

met someone else.

and keep our minds open.

She's black or Asian.

I don't know how else to say this.

But it's over.

It's all.

But I still love him.

It's going to be.

I can't believe it's really over.

What am I going to do without him?

I mean, you can do better than some baseball player who's always going to be on the road.

You have plenty of other guys after you.

You're a catch.

I know. What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Maybe he's a little.

What's up?

I love you, Daddy.

Thank you for watching.

What the hell?

早送り

I don't know.

Thank you.

What do you think you're doing?

I was drying my hair in my living room,

and now I'm stirring my beans in my kitchen.

Mom, you can't live in your car.

What?

You kicked me out.

I gave you a check for an apartment, or did you gamble that away, too?

No, I did not. I cashed it and locked it in my glove compartment.

Now, if you will excuse me, please, I'm going to start my house

so I can dry my underwear on the engine block.

Okay, I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me feel guilty.

You should feel guilty, George. You owe me.

I brought you into this world.

And I didn't have to.

Yeah, I remember you leaning over my crib saying,

good night, my little drunken mistake.

You remember that from when you were a baby?

No, you didn't give me a real bed till I was seven.

i was so cramped in there every morning i woke up with a dead leg i could barely catch the bus

i was like hey wait up

After you left my house, you were alive and healthy, okay?

I did my job.

And what kind of thanks do I...

I get kicked to the curb.

Hey, living out here is your choice.

You're not going to guilt me into letting you back in the house.

Right.

I could never make you feel guilty.

go ahead put it up i don't care what people think of me

Thank you!

That's him!

Wake your mom up. Her car's on fire.

What?

Her car's outside, and it's on fire.

God!

Where is she, in the living room?

No, she's living in her car.

What?

I kicked her out because she was gambling.

That's what Mexican families do.

George!

Don't yell at me, Angie. I gotta put out my mother.

Go on.

I gotta put out my mother.

Thanks.

Holy crap!

What the hell happened here?

Where were you?

I was siphoning gas out of the chain's minivan.

I heard the siren, so I hid in the bushes.

Did you leave another cigarette burning in your car?

No.

I'm not an idiot.

I put the cigarette on the edge of the ashtray,

and then I left.

Did you slam the door?

Damn it.

How does it feel to lose my respect?

Because now you've lost everything.

That's right.

You've been served.

Thank you.

Tell me the money that I gave you wasn't in the glove compartment.

Who cares about your money?

The last thing I owned in this world just burned up because you wouldn't let me live in your house.

Don't blame this on me. I gave you money for an apartment.

I don't want to live in an apartment.

What am I going to do there?

Sit on my butt and stare at a TV all day?

That's what you do here.

No, it's different.

There are people around.

I thought you liked living alone.

Why else would you let your house smell like that?

You know, you live alone, you die alone.

And that just doesn't sound like the party it used to.

You're actually scared.

No, I am not.

Yeah, you are.

You got the same expression on your face as you do when you get an envelope from the free clinic.

fine just forget i said anything all right i'm just going to grab the rest of my stuff and get

out of here

Hey, I'm just going to get out of here.

What could you just say you wanted to be around your family?

Maybe I wanted to avoid a conversation like this.

Family is just supposed to know things, George.

I mean, when you were crying as a kid, I didn't ask you why you were crying.

I just held you.

Too much?

yeah i remember you holding me mom you were using me as a shield to spray a beehive

i was allergic i thought you weren't okay i was wrong i'm sorry

that would have been nice to hear in the hospital and i was breathing through a coffee straw

Right!

You think I'm a lousy mother and I deserve this, fight!

I'm gone.

Go.

I'm going!

Bye.

Damn!

Ooh!

Oh, damn.

Chikni!

Okay.

There, Mr. Snail.

Thanks for watching!

least you got your house on your back

Any room in there for me?

knock it off mom okay you can live with us well if that's what you want george you know i'm tired

of fighting with you

Stupid snail.

it's been a long day i'm going to bed

I'm going to crash on the couch.

You know.

When I came out here tonight, it was the second time in a week I thought you were burned alive.

I'm starting to be okay with it.