05x09 - George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job

[bunniefuu]

I can't stand living with Gina anymore she's driving me crazy last night she

came home drunk with a guy and they started getting busy on the couch she

kept you up

No.

I was doing the same thing.

It just, you know,

it turned into this freaky kind of competition.

You know, the police found two bodies

by the rail yard this morning.

Said the men pulled out their own eyes.

You didn't turn on the lights, did you?

What I'm trying to say is,

I need my own apartment.

Go get one. You got money saved.

Yeah, but I don't have enough yet.

Look!

I know you're throwing me a party at the factory for working there 40 years,

so why don't you just cancel it and give me the cash?

Okay.

There you go, sir.

I work like a dog my whole life and all you're going to give me is a $40 party?

That's not right. Give me $20 back.

Fine. I'll just take my gift and go.

Oh, heads off, Bat. That's Angie's birthday present.

And you don't need a cashmere sweater.

Nature already gave you a furry coat and matching pants.

Why are you giving Angie her present now?

Her birthday's not till next week.

What? Today's your birthday? You're messing with me.

I don't know.

I'm just trying to help you out, but, you know, it's your call.

man if i don't get this right i'm gonna get the stink face for a week

oh you better think fast

Hide this.

Morning, honey.

Morning, baby.

I want you to know that I am going to take you someplace very special for your birthday.

Next week.

My birthday is today.

Happy birthday, Angie!

Angie, that's my gift! I was about to give you that!

Yeah, right.

And she stole my gift

Hey, don't give me the stink face.

She deserves a stink face.

Stink face?

Yes, we don't know what I call it.

Just forget it.

Thanks for watching!

Thank you.

Thank you, Benny.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

This isn't over, Mom. I'll get you for this.

Oh, come on. It's not my fault you can't remember a birthday.

Yes, it is, because we never celebrated any of my birthdays.

That is not true.

What about that time you were little and I gave you that big party at the park?

You know, we had a barbecue and fireworks, everything.

That was the Fourth of July.

So who wants to get the ball rolling, huh?

Who's got a story about my mom?

I'll go first.

Angie, this is a roast. It's kind of not your thing.

Oh yeah?

Watch this.

What can I say about Benny?

She's a piss-

Every year, she gives me the same present for Christmas.

Nothing.

Your only way out of this is to dance offstage.

That is juvenile.

Is your next joke funnier than that one?

Thank you!

Ernie, you're up.

Hey!

Check it out!

Benny's so old, she almost got a Noah's Ark.

But they couldn't find the female of her species.

I guess.

If anyone would know about not finding a female, it'd be you.

Hey, this is your roast. You don't do me.

No one does.

Thank you!

I'd like to say a few words about my new roommate.

Not many people know this, but Benny is a very spiritual person.

Why else would she take off for Christmas?

Hanukkah.

Ramadan.

Ones up.

These are the jokes, people.

OK, moving on.

Heh.

All right.

We have a real special treat.

We're going to go back in time.

Way back.

It's 1965.

And the new worker has just joined the Powers Brothers.

Benita Lopez!

You know what?

I need a smoke and a beer.

Hey, now let's fast forward to the 80s.

you know what i need a smoke and a beer

now it's the 90s

you know what i need a smoke and a beer

and this is benny during last week's earthquake

you know what i need a smoke and a beer

you

Hey.

Hey.

Whoo!

You might as well flag me now.

There's about to be an ill*gal use of hands.

You're in a good mood.

I'm guessing your mom wasn't at work again today?

Nope, five days in a row.

The factory floor is like Oz after they k*ll the witch.

People are singing, they're happy.

I got courage.

Aren't you worried about her?

No, she's taking personal days to look for an apartment.

Well, I think that stunt you pulled at the factory really hurt feelings.

Hey, I was just getting back at her for making me miss your birthday.

I actually remembered this year.

Even if she did trick you, what you did to her was way out of line.

Sometimes you can be so insensitive.

You're just too sensitive because you didn't grow up Lopez.

We're hard. We can take anything.

You don't believe me?

Watch this.

Thank you.

Hey, Max.

The owls called. They're done nesting. What? You can cut your hair.

Cindy Porter said I have big ears.

If I cut my hair, she'll never love me!

Oh, wait.

Little pig no Cindy Porter?

Get your hair out of your eyes

She's nasty

I like nasty.

Thank you.

Thanks for watching!

Hello!

Oh, hey, Benny. You want to talk to George?

Okay, if that's what you want.

I'll be right over.

What do you want?

She wants me to pick her up some extra strength aspirin.

She's sick?

I don't know.

She kept saying she doesn't want to see you.

Honey.

You really hurt her feelings.

You need to go over there and apologize to your mom.

You think she's still that upset about what I did?

Yes!

Just imagine what it's like to be an aging woman in a society obsessed with beauty.

Always thinking about gaining weight.

Noticing every wrinkle.

Finding hairs in places that they just don't belong.

I gotta tell you, I'm not as turned on as I was when I first walked in here.

Are you going or what?

Yes, I'm going.

But I want you to know something.

It's not easy being an aging male in this society either.

I've got to worry about becoming more and more distinguished looking.

Watch out. Hello.

So, um, is that what those lines are around your mouth?

Distinguished looking?

Well, wood lines, I moisturize every morning.

Well, well, well.

Mr. George Lopez.

I can't say I didn't see this coming.

But it's gonna be a little awkward, your mom's here.

Gina, I'm here to see my mom.

Oh, I get it.

The cat-and-mouse game continues.

Benny!

喵

George?

I told Angie I wanted her to come over.

Hey.

Did you bring the aspirin?

Yeah, that's right. What's wrong with you anyway?

I had a minor procedure done.

What are you talking about?

Tell me if you notice anything different.

Thank you.

Thank you.

my god mommy swallowed a bouncy house

Oh.

Did you see your mom?

oh yeah

What did she need the aspirin for?

She has some swelling.

She's gonna need about 200 more bottles.

What?

Look, I gotta warn you.

My mom's got a new set of chi-chis.

You're gonna see him walk through that door any second,

and my mom about a minute later.

She got...

Breast implants?

These are more than implants.

The cast of Lost is trying to find a way off the right one.

The left one is hosting the Winter Olympics.

Oh, Carmen, Max, listen.

Your grandma's going to be walking through that door any second, okay?

She's going to look a little different.

So don't stare and don't ask any questions.

Hey.

Damn, Grandma, your boobs are huge.

Max!

No, no, that's okay.

The kids are old enough to hear the truth.

Kids.

There comes a time in every woman's life when her body starts to change and that's natural and it's good

Unless...

Your son points it out to everyone at work.

then

You can cry.

Or you can go out and buy yourself another set of sweater puppies.

Your puppies are crushing the garlic bread.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

They're still a little numb.

Grandma, you're just objectifying yourself to please men.

Exactly. Thanks for understanding.

Hello, everyone. Angie, got the wine.

Ay, Dios mío.

Mira esas bombas atómicas.

No, no, no. I mean, I love what you've done with your hair.

Have you noticed her breasts?

Kids, give us a minute. We need to talk to your grandma.

Mom, did you do this because of what I said at the factory?

Yeah, I did.

You made a fool out of me, George,

but no one is ever going to make fun of my body again.

Benny?

How could you afford those?

Oh.

I spent the money I was saving up for my new apartment.

I may not be able to get a place of my own.

But at least I'll look hot.

So you think.

Those are what men really want?

Why don't you ask your dad?

He hasn't taken his eyes off him since he got here.

I'm only viewing them as a duck.

And what is the good doctor's opinion?

Oh, they're yummy.

Daddy!

I'm older now.

And I say what I like.

And I like.

George, you know, I want to ask you something.

Now that you had time to get used to these.

What do you really think of my breasts?

They look nice.

That's what I thought.

I don't know.

Why did you lie to her?

She looks ridiculous.

Tell your mom she made a mistake.

Angie, I'm the reason she made the mistake in the first place.

Can't open my mouth and hurt her feelings again.

Well, what about tomorrow when she goes to work?

You know people are going to make fun of her.

No, they're not, because I'm a protector.

I'm going to keep her safe and away from any sharp objects.

I hate to have those things pop

and have her fly around the room like a cartoon.

So to recap, jokes about someone's physical appearance

could be considered sexual harassment.

No matter how large they are, you'll see what I mean.

morning everyone sorry i'm late i couldn't decide what to watch on tv hbo cinemax or

Showtime!

Golly!

Golly to that one, too!

Alright.

I've heard from Ernie...

What do the real men think?

They love him, but they can't say anything

because that would be considered sexual harassment.

Now, everyone back to work.

You heard me. Back to work.

Oh, there's something about you and your bark orders.

Unwelcome.

Oh, wait a second, George.

I want to hear what the guys are saying.

Man, can you believe she actually thinks she looks good?

I know it's sad.

What's the point of putting new headlights on a car that's already totaled?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry about that, Mom.

Do these really look that ridiculous?

Yeah, they do.

Why didn't you say something before you could have told me at the house?

I can't believe you let me walk in here looking like this.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings again.

Yeah.

Great job with that.

Why don't you get something more natural looking in the first place?

Oh, I wanted to, but that doctor was worse than a car salesman.

I'm surprised there isn't a CD changer in me somewhere.

Can't you get them taken out or reduced?

No, I can't change anything, George. I don't have any more money.

I am stuck looking like this.

And it's all your fault.

It's a lot.

Mom, what can I do?

Nothing.

Unless you want to give me the money to change these.

which you won't.

What if I did?

Right.

Mom, look, it's my fault, all right?

I'm going to give you the money.

will.

It's the least you can do.

I'm gonna give you a ride to the doctor's tomorrow, okay?

Don't worry, everything's gonna be okay.

I'll drive slow over the speed bumps.

I wouldn't want you to knock yourself out.

Hey, what did the doctor say?

Well, we agreed on the size, and I'm having the breast reduction next week.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's all good. I'll be in the garage.

What?

Why do you sound like that?

You're gonna have to show her sooner or later, Princess.

oh no

what happened to you well

That doctor was pretty convincing.

He talked George into getting a Botox shot

to get rid of the... wrinkles around his mouth.

Is that true?

He said I'd look younger.

Please tell me this is not permanent.

No, no, no.

The nerves are paralyzed just for a couple of days.

This is all your fault for playing out my winkles in the first place.

What?

I said, this is all your fault!

I'm forgetting you never listen!

Well, George...

Now that I've got your cash.

Thanks for watching!

There's something I want you to see.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh!

Yeah!

Finally, the real twins can breathe.

No man needs more than what I got anyway.

What? You faked it?

Yes, Elephant Man.

I faked the whole thing.

You don't...

ever, ever humiliate me at work again.

But you...

actually went to the doctor.

Yeah, and I went last week, too.

That's when he gave me those babies to test drive.

But did you tell him to give me a bad Botox stat?

no george that was icing on the cake

wait a minute the money i gave you for the surgery mom i want that back oh that's the

best part i already spent it on my newer part

That's what you get for making fun of me.

Hey, you know what?

Need a smoke and a beer

It's getting better

It's good for my lip.

Honey, don't take this the wrong way,

but can you skip our meeting tomorrow

with Max's special ed teacher?

Hey, are you embarrassed of me?

Then prove it, Angie. Kiss me.

Kiss me!

No!

I'm not a monster!

Okay.

But if I'm going to do this, you have to close your eyes.

God dang, that's better than usual.

The thick face!

You never do nothing in this house!