05x11 - George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family

[bunniefuu]

Oh

Man those Christmas cookies smell great here Ernie. I saved this for you

Look at him go this explains why I never got a second date with that girl that wore chocolate lip gloss

Well, good night

Slow down you're gonna chip a tooth

Don't do it Angie your hand smells like batter you'll lose an arm

Look at the Cuban Santa Claus. He doesn't have a sleigh or reindeer. He just got a raft pulled by 12 relatives. I

Don't care what you say. I'm in a great mood

I just got off the phone with your sister.

For the first time, the entire Palmetto family will be in Miami for Christmas.

We're having a reunion!

Oh, this is so great.

The whole family hasn't been together in years.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Angie, I can't take your whole family talking down to me.

I thought we were just going to see your Aunt Claudia.

At least when she insults me, I can just turn down her oxygen tank.

She falls asleep.

You turned down my aunt's oxygen tank?

Of course, not what kind of person you think I am.

I just pinched the hose a little bit.

What are you worried about, George?

You're a big success, man.

Yeah, George, I don't know what you're worried about.

There'll be six doctors there.

Eight lawyers.

Two judges, a state senator.

And one factory worker.

Maybe you can tell them what it's like to eat lunch from a truck.

Maybe you can tell them what it's like to lie about your age

On your internet dating ad

That's right, I went online.

I'm Juicy Maria, 818.

I don't know.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Really.

You get stood up for coffee last Saturday?

DAMMIT!

What about Jessica 1960?

I don't know. Show up at the park, take your chances.

Fine. I can take a joke.

By the way, you're sitting next to Cousin Rose at Christmas dinner.

She fell in the shower and she can only grunt now,

so you two should hit it off.

At least her grunts will make more sense than your English.

Would you two stop it?

George, you're going to have a good time in Miami.

Daddy, come help me finish the tree.

Man, this Christmas is gonna be hell.

or snobby relatives are going to treat me like crap.

So what if I didn't go to college?

So what if I worked in a factory?

Does that make me less important than some senator or a judge or a doctor?

Hey, we're all equal in God's eyes.

Orale, Dalai Lama!

You know what?

I'm not going.

But it's Christmas! You gotta be with your family.

They'll have a better time without me.

Angie will be with her relatives, and everybody will be happy to see their kids.

There's no way that I'm just gonna be cool with this

I know.

That's why I'm going to tell her that Powers Brothers are making me work on Christmas Eve.

You're going to lie to your wife on Christmas?

Shh!

That's cold.

Christmas was built on lies to make people feel better.

What are you talking about?

probably time we had this conversation. Sit down.

You know how every year you give me your gift first?

Mm-hmm.

And then seconds later, I end up giving you the exact same gift.

Well, that reminds me.

I got you a Christmas gift.

What's that?

Two free rounds of golf at Ocean Pines.

With a new place?

Yeah.

This is great.

What'd you get me?

You know, man, this is weird.

You know, this is the same as last year.

Like, there's some strange connection between us.

Really?

Hang on.

Hey.

I got you a free round of golf at Ocean Pines.

Oh!

How come you didn't get the two-for-one deal?

Use discounts on gifts that cheapens it.

Oh, come on.

God, dude, I feel terrible, man.

Here, you should have this back.

All right, well, as long as you learned a lesson.

Yeah.

Dammit, Jack, this isn't fair.

How can you make me work on Christmas Eve?

I'm going to Miami with my family and there's nothing that you can say.

No, it's you. Where the hell is your mom?

She's coming.

Is your suitcase empty?

No, um...

It's hot in Miami. All my clothes are linen.

but it really feels like there's nothing in here

You're curious about everything until you gotta take a test, huh?

Get in the car.

Dammit, Jack, this isn't fair!

How can you make me work on Christmas Eve?

I am going to Miami with my family,

and there's nothing that you can say.

Where the hell is your mom?

She's coming.

Thank you.

God, do you even have anything in here?

Are you crazy? Carmen, now when security asks me

if anybody had on my bag, I have to say yes.

You put the whole trip in jeopardy.

Get in the car.

These kids, you can't leave nothing

without them touching everything.

Dammit, Jack, this isn't fair.

How can you make me work on Christmas Eve?

I am going to Miami with my family,

and there's nothing that you can say that will stop me.

Except that.

You know, people's jobs were in danger.

Well, this is unexpected. All right.

I'll be there.

All right.

I'll be there.

Thanks for watching!

going on?

You didn't get it from that?

What?

I can't go to Miami, Ang. I gotta work.

On Christmas Eve?

No, no way. I'm calling Jack.

He said that there was a big screw-up with the Boeing order and if we don't get this stuff out

We're gonna lose a contract and people are gonna get laid off

Suck?

No, but what am I supposed to do?

I guess I have to call Aunt Claudia and tell her that we can't come to Miami.

If you have to work, then we're going to stay here with you.

No, Angie, look.

I don't want you to miss your family reunion.

Just because my Christmas is going to be ruined doesn't mean that yours should be.

George Lopez

Sometimes you surprise me.

Just when I was about to have a talk with you about being selfish.

something like

Thank you.

You know, this is the holidays.

We shouldn't be critical of each other.

Well, talk about how judgmental you are after the new year.

Unless you can work on it by then, but I'm not holding my breath.

Are you sure you're going to be okay? I mean...

Spending Christmas alone?

You won't even have your mom because she's gambling in Reno.

Angie, I'm going to be fine.

Look at it this way.

You've seen your family on Christmas.

is my gift to you.

Huh? Let's open it together.

This is a really sweet thing you're doing.

Mwah.

I don't know.

Just know the whole time you're gone, I'll be thinking of you, baby, okay?

I miss you already.

Thank you.

I don't know.

Mom said you had the chicken.

What are you doing with your golf club?

I'm throwing a tantrum because I can't be with my family on Christmas.

What did I have to suffer? Why me?

It'll be okay, Dad.

Thanks, I never thought of it like that.

You better go now, Max, because I feel the darkness coming back, okay?

Be a good boy, all right?

Okay, bye-bye now.

Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye now.

It's only six. Why are they closing?

Dude, it's Christmas Eve.

Everybody's got to go home to their families.

Not us. We're going out.

Two bachelors, just like back in the day.

Actually, I can't.

I got to go to Bakersfield.

We're going to spend Christmas with my Tia Lencha.

Well, Lencha, wasn't she that teacher

that got fired for having an affair

with a 14-year-old student?

Yeah, but it's not that weird.

You know, he's tall for his age,

and she really doesn't look like she's in her 50s.

I bet they wouldn't have got caught

if she hadn't have gone to the prom.

Mm.

You going to be all right here by yourself?

Me? Are you kidding?

You know my mom never celebrated Christmas.

I'd be suspended alone.

I kinda like it now.

Okay then, I'm going.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

Yeah man, I'm gonna be fine.

Get out of here.

All right.

Hey, Merry Christmas.

Okay, Merry Christmas.

Hey, call me all you want because I got a lot of holiday minutes.

Seriously, man, we're closed.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Hey.

You know, if you're not doing anything,

now you want to go catch a movie?

movie. It's Christmas Eve.

I'm spending it with my family.

Don't you have anyone

Yeah, but.

I lied and said I had to work so I wouldn't have to spend time with my wife's family.

They look down on me.

I wonder why they look down on a liar who spends Christmas Eve in a bar.

All right.

The truth is, I'm a Christmas angel sent down here

to see if you'd be kind to a stranger,

and guess what? You failed.

So good luck driving home on the icy roads tonight.

This is L.A.

Yeah, that's right. This is L.A.

The City of Angels.

where miracles can happen for those who believe.

What's that?

Want me to call you a cab?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Thanks for watching!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Please, you scared the crap out of me.

Mom, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be gambling.

Oh, I got out of the casino.

Apparently, Tony Orlando doesn't like to have panties thrown at him.

You went to a Tony Orlando concert?

No, he was playing blackjack.

Hey, what are you doing home?

and go to Miami.

Look, now that you're here.

You don't have to steal my tequila.

Why don't we just hang out?

Oh, wow, George, that sounds like a lot of fun, but, um...

I gotta get to work.

I'm your boss.

I know the factory's clothes you're lying to me.

Do I have to make up another one or are you going to let me off the hook?

Why can't we just spend the holidays together and have a good time for once?

Yeah, you know what?

You're right, George.

I'm just going to go get some smokes out of the car and we'll finally have that Christmas you wanted.

I'm going to hear your car peeling out, aren't I?

George.

Please, it's Christmas!

I'm just gonna coast down the hill and pop the clutch.

You won't hear a thing.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas, Mommy.

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

We clean the dust and dirt from the phone.

Thanks for watching!

edgy what are you doing we talked about this carmen's leaping

Before you get mad, the tree was half right.

I told you we don't have money to waste on a Christmas tree.

I'm sorry, this is what normal people do on Christmas!

My mom used to have a tree in every room and decorate each one with a different theme.

We were poor.

So we had our own Christmas traditions.

Every Christmas Eve, I...

Sneak into the living room, hang my sock on the fireplace.

I don't know.

Then my shirt and my pants,

because we didn't have a dryer.

Honey, I know, I know you had it rough, but...

It's time to start our own tradition.

It's your daughter's first.

Miss, we should make it special.

She's not going to remember any of this, Angie.

She's three months old.

She hasn't even smiled yet.

What, so Christmas means nothing to you?

No.

It means double time at the factory.

That's why I signed on for another shift.

You're working on Christmas Eve?

Meow!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for watching.

Here, let me try.

This is not how it's supposed to be on Christmas.

We shouldn't be fighting. The baby shouldn't be crying.

Angie.

You should want to be with.

BAM!

Angie, look!

Angie Carman smiling.

Oh, it's her first smile.

She likes the lights.

That hurts gas.

No, it's the lights.

I've never smiled.

Thank you.

You know what, I'm going to call the factory and get out of my shift.

I want to be with my family on Christmas Eve.

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

Thanks for watching!

I'm okay.

I can handle this.

I like being alone.

Thanks for watching!

I love it.

Care Alert!

Yes, people!

Thank you for watching.

Why did you guys stop? Come on in, everybody.

We can all sing one together.

Jingle bell, jingle bell...

We got other houses to get to.

Look, I'll make hot chocolate and get a candy cane.

We can all stir it. It'll be fun.

Kids, get in the van.

This is not a drill!

Where are you guys going?

I put pants on!

Fine!

Be like that, I'll meet you.

I'm not alone, I got TV.

TV's all I've ever had and TV's all I've ever needed.

It always cheers me up.

Do holidays make...

Rest.

Shut up.

One final touch

And I'll have a friend for Christmas

Oh no

I can never do nothing

Perfect timing. My scotch was getting warm.

Why are you crying?

I made a big, stupid mistake this morning.

Come on, George!

The whole family is going to help Santa deliver toys!

Ugh.

Sorry, but I have a lot of work to do, you know?

Put the tools away in the toy shop, clean out the reindeer barn.

I don't know what Santa's feeding Blitzen, but I know how he got his name.

Buckle up, my pointed-eared friends.

It's showtime.

h*, h*, h*!

Bye, honey!

Bye, Dad!

Bye!

Bye!

I lied because I thought it'd be fun to smoke cigars and hang out by myself.

But now I'm lonely!

Will you be my friend?

No, I have a date with a big jolly guy in a red suit who likes me to bounce on his lap.

But Santa's out delivering presents.

Who said anything about Santa?

All alone on Christmas Eve

Why'd I let my family leave?

Tis a season without glee

Woe is, woe is, woe is me

Hello?

I need to be on the first flight to Miami.

I know it's Christmas Eve. Look, I don't care what it costs, okay?

First class, full price, whatever.

I just need to see my family.

How much?

What if I told you that my mom died and I'm going to her funeral?

It's still that much?

Uh, actually...

I just need to send my mom's Great Dane to the funeral.

You don't look in those crates, do you?

Here's my death certificate.

I have to say, I never thought I would see my son

try to get a cheaper airline ticket with a funeral scam.

I'm proud of you, George.

where did you get this anyway oh i got it when i went to graceland i just whited out elvis's name

well thank you very much mama

hey honey

Edgy oh my god, I don't believe it you guys are home

I can't believe it.

I wanted to call you from the airport,

but the kids wanted to surprise you.

Look, and I was going to surprise you guys, too.

I was going to fly to Miami because I

missed you guys so much.

And then you left and the penguin went to sleep with Santa

and the carolers came over, but I wasn't wearing any pants.

Oh, my God. This is Grandma's death certificate.

Dad k*lled Grandma, now he's drunk and celebrating!

No, I was gonna use it to get a cheaper flight!

I realized that I never want to spend Christmas without my family again.

beautiful thing is.

That you all felt the same way and flew all the way back just to be with me.

Or there was a storm in Chicago and our flight to Miami was canceled.

Max!

It doesn't matter, this is meant to be!

This is our Christmas miracle!

Thank you.

The Lopez family's back together.

Santa, we can stop the storm in Chicago.

Over.

Tan, cover blown.

Code red.

Get me out!

You never leave a man behind!

You never leave a man behind!