05x15 - A Funeral Brings George to His Niece

[bunniefuu]

Hey Angie. Honey, I have some bad news.

You dinged someone's car at the grocery store again.

It's more serious than that.

You left a note?

Look, I told you, Angie, just pretend you're writing something down

and get the hell out of there!

We went over this!

No!

Claudia died today.

I was hoping you wouldn't find out.

Look, Max's fish is dead because of me.

I put Claudia in a coffee cup to clean her tank,

then I forgot she was in the cup,

and I poured hot coffee in there.

If you thought her eyes were big before,

Angie, you should have seen when the decaf hit her.

She was like...

Max's fish is called Claudius.

Claudia was my brother's ex-wife.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She was sick for a couple of years, so in a way, it's a relief.

Well, at least she's not suffering anymore, Angie.

I like that fish.

He poor guy.

I burned one of his fins.

He was swimming in a circle like that.

I'm looking into flights for Miami.

The funeral's on Saturday,

and they're going to read the will later on.

Oh, hey, why do we have to go?

Claudia divorced your brother.

We should be there for Veronica.

She's our goddaughter.

She just lost her mom, and who knows where her dad is?

Yeah, but why do I have to go down there?

Angelia Rada was treating me like dirt just because I have money.

Look, I'm rich in other ways like

Hair and cholesterol, things like that.

How about this?

After the service, you can slip out and play golf at my cousin's country club, 18 holes.

Right on the ocean.

All right, I'll go to Miami, Angie, but for my goddaughter

Because I promised the Lord

I'm just taking my clubs as a show of faith

Here they are

Don't start, not all my relatives look down on you

Hey, there's your aunt Tipsy

Oh, I need you.

Hi, Aunt Lynette.

Rumor has it you divorced George.

Congratulations.

You're still married.

Ah!

You're still drinking.

Oh, look, Angie, different people.

Angie!

Oh, Raleigh.

George, I haven't seen you in years.

So tell me, kids,

How was your bus ride from L.A.?

Oh, it must have been hell, huh?

We took a plane.

Oh, of course.

Oh, it must have been exciting.

So tell me, what have you been up to, George?

Oh.

I just got out on parole.

My ankle brace is beeping right now.

I'm supposed to leave the yard.

So I thought they were looking at Angie the wrong way,

so I stabbed them and I licked the knife

because that's how I roll, fool.

I got a strikeout burner right now.

I don't care.

What were you doing?

Well, that's how they see me anyways.

I'm just giving them what they want.

I'll be at the bar.

I'm in my own hell.

I told you.

Believe my own brother didn't show up to help Verona through this.

It's no surprise.

He's never been there for his daughter.

I'll take a beer and two olives to stuff in my ear

so I don't have to listen to any more of these people.

Yeah, my family's easier to deal with after a couple drinks.

A good bartender just listens.

And a good uncle recognizes his goddaughter.

Probably.

still waiting on that beer

Uncle George, it's me, Veronica.

Veronica, look at you. You're all grown up.

Last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

So did you.

Yeah, but I didn't have a full diaper look.

You don't want to play this game.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I'm a little hungover though.

My friends took me to this club last night to cheer me up.

It had.

pyrotechnics, and all these sirens.

I wish I could go back there tonight, but.

It turns out it was just a regular club on fire.

Monica and Angie.

I am so sorry.

You know, you are more than welcome to come stay with us in L.A.

Oh, thank you, but I'm doing okay here.

My mom told me that she's leaving me enough money so that I'll never have to worry.

LUCKY

When my mom dies, all I get is a bunch of old lady clothes

and a gold tooth.

It's not even her she won in a poker game.

Sweetheart.

What's the time of your mother?

Everyone gather around. It's time to hear Claudia's will.

Veronica has really changed.

Her mother just passed away, and all she's talking about is the money.

It's like it didn't even affect her.

Well, not everyone cries when people die, Angie.

Some people cash in a gold tooth and throw a party.

Hello everyone.

I'm Claudia.

I know you're all dying to find out who gets my million.

So here it is.

I'm leaving everything.

to my daughter, Veronica.

Everything

Now you're not getting it all right away.

The money has been put into a trust.

The trustee I'm about to name will decide when you get it.

The person I chose has worked hard his whole life.

knows the value of money.

Well, Vic.

Palmetto, please step forward.

Okay, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's a*s,

because I pick him.

In your face!

You heard her, babe.

Kiss it.

Kiss it.

Kiss it.

Hey, Max.

This is your cousin Veronica.

Hey, Max.

Why don't you show her to the spare room?

She's gonna stay with us for a little while.

It's up here.

Skål!

I thought you were just going to pick up some lame sweatshirt at the airport.

This gift is so much better.

Now I can say this.

This is a travesty.

I should be the trustee.

I am Veronica's grandfather.

I'm a responsible surgeon.

I have an investment portfolio.

Your idea of managing money is taking the loose change from your work pants

and burying it in coffee cans in your yard.

Buried where?

In those dirt patches where the grass doesn't grow,

the whole neighborhood knows, you idiot!

Thanks for watching!

George

Claudette sent you a letter before she died. I just read it.

You don't read in my letters.

I thought maybe it would explain why she didn't pick me as the trustee.

Maybe it's because she knows you open other people's mail.

Claudia was worried her daughter is too irresponsible

to handle millions of dollars.

She wants you to withhold the inheritance

until you decide she's responsible enough.

How do I do that anyone do that? I don't know I wasn't named a trustee

Angie please look I got a child's future in my hands. I don't have time for your tantrums

You guys I am so glad I changed my mind and decided to come back with you to LA I

love my room. I'm just gonna need a few million dollars to redecorate.

Heronica.

It's not going to look like that.

Your mom wanted you to prove to us you were mature enough.

Us?

Wait a minute.

I decide, okay?

Not you.

I'm the winner, Angie, and you're the loser,

so I can learn how to lose.

Loser.

What I'm looking for is maturity

Wow

If anyone can spot maturity.

It is you, Uncle George.

You are the only self-made man in this family,

and I so respect you for everything.

Okay, take it easy. Try to relax.

Look, you're not gonna get the money by sucking up to me

because I know every trick in the book.

My own daughter limped around for a month

because she wanted money for new shoes.

George, she was pigeon-toed.

We had to buy her special orthopedic boots

Yes, Angie, but on my schedule

Okay, not hers

What are you doing?

Well, I think a sign of maturity

Is caring for other people

So I made breakfast for Carmen and Max

This is by far the best bowl of cereal I've ever had.

Veronica, I love that sweater.

Oh, I got it in Milan.

No way, you get to shop in other countries?

Hey, you get to shop in other countries, too, Carmen.

Who took you to Tijuana to buy clothes?

You know what?

If you like this, you can totally have it.

I've already worn it, like, two times.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, we're barely related, right?

Go to school!

Thank you.

Veronica!

Yeah?

Woah!

Oh, I'm George's mom, Benny.

Look at you. What an angel you turned out to be.

You know, you were so young when I pulled you from that burning car.

You probably don't even remember me.

I don't remember being in a burning car.

Thank God.

I asked your mom not to tell you

because I did not want you to feel like you owed me anything.

I'm going to sit down now.

My shoes are all worn out and...

I can't afford new ones.

She hasn't inherited the money yet, Mom.

money

What are you talking about?

Has something occurred?

and what are you being nice to her for i'm the trustee

George, George, George,

do you remember how I used to hold you

when you were a little boy?

That's because you were drunk

and you had the spins.

Beat it, bat.

So I've been thinking about ways you can prove to me you're mature enough for the money.

But, Uncle George, I'm already mature.

I dated a guy in his 40s and broke up with him

because he was being childish.

Here are your choices.

You can go back to college.

Or you can get a job.

But I can't go back to my old college.

The 40-year-old boyfriend was the dean.

So, kind of awkward.

Thank you.

Well, then, I guess you'll have to get a job.

Okay, fine, I'll get a job.

But.

What am I supposed to do for money until I get my first paycheck?

Well, since she's under our roof, we could give her an allowance like we do the kids.

That sounds fair. My mom used to give me an allowance.

Yeah, how much?

Five grand a month.

I'll give you $40 a week.

You know what?

Tell that five grand a month to the people on the bus.

See if they think it's funny.

$40?

Oh my God, is this a maturity test?

You're trying to see if I'll cry.

You know who cries?

Babies.

Man, I can't imagine being Veronica's age

and getting millions of dollars.

You know what I would have done?

I'd have bought a mansion with a grotto.

and live like a king.

It'd be dark, and in the middle of the night,

you hear...

And we would have been broke in a year.

We.

this is my rich guy's fantasy angie we're not married

i got all kinds of sweet chicks in the grotto

yeah that's all right angie there's

Plenty of space for you in my grotto.

Yeah, if she fits, Hugh Scheffner.

We're back.

So.

How did the job hunt at the mall go?

Well, I applied at a bunch of boutiques,

and I think I've got a really good shot.

Two of the managers asked me out.

One of them was a girl.

It was awesome.

Hi, I'm Ernie. Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Ei!

aloof i like it

Sasuke, I'm going to be back tomorrow to close a deal.

What deal?

Shut up.

Thank you.

Max!

Are you wearing perfume?

No.

Thank you.

It's coming from his backpack.

I got homework.

Yeah, now you got homework, huh?

It's a broken perfume bottle earrings.

And women's underwear.

Dad, I can explain.

No, Max, you know what? It's okay.

We should have seen this day coming when he started to line up his army men in a chorus line.

Max.

What is going on?

They're Veronica's. She bought them.

Really?

Why are the security tags still on?

VERONICA!

Max, do you know you can go to jail for shoplifting?

I don't care.

I'll do anything for Veronica.

I love her.

max she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia all right if you have kids with

her your mom and i will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the carnival

How could you drag our son into shoplifting?

And how could you shoplift sexy underwear that are Angie's size?

Keep these.

When you know I'm trying to figure out how mature you are.

Yeah, well, you only gave me $40 to live...

How else am I supposed to get nice things?

Get a damn job!

You're just jealous because you're poor.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Look, I'm not poor. I own my own house, I have three cars,

and I have hundreds of dollars in change

buried somewhere on this property.

Where are you going?

Out.

Thank you.

Ah!

You know, I don't need this, Angie.

I should have never agreed to be her trustee.

はい

You are going to be happy you did this.

Why?

You're going to get the satisfaction of knowing you helped a young woman turn her life around.

You see, it's that kind of talk that keeps you out of the grotto.

because you're more than qualified.

Watch out.

But this, I can't live with it.

Nope.

I lost my key.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning.

What the hell are you doing?

These are my friends I met at the club.

We walked home.

Why don't you get a cab?

I spent all my allowance.

On what?

I'll give you a hint.

I'm kind of like these chips.

BANG!

You use your allowance to get high?

Thanks for watching!

Is it me, or have we been talking for, like, an hour?

Right, look, no one in this house uses drugs.

If we want to escape our problems,

the kids watch TV and I play golf and...

I don't know what Engie does because I play golf.

oh my god if you're gonna keep yelling i'm gonna need another fatty

Uh-oh.

What's a fatty?

Wanna earn these girlfriends, now go to bed.

All right, that's it.

Look, I don't want my kids exposed to this, so tomorrow morning I want you out of here.

Whoa.

What about my money?

You can have it all because I don't want to see you again.

I got my money! This is awesome! I'm rich! And I have chips!

Now you're just rich.

George, there's something I have to get off my chest.



The hedge trimmer's over there.

Rinse it off when you're done.

And you told me that you're giving Veronica her money and sending her out on her own.

You can't do that. It'll destroy her.

Hey, not my kid, not my problem.

No, no, listen to me.

Growing up in Cuba, I had nothing.

When I became a wealthy man...

I spoil my children.

Talking about Angie turned out fine.

That was a miracle.

But I ruined my son.

I gave him everything he wanted.

And it made him a horrible person.

Claudia did not want that to happen to Veronica.

That's why she made the right choice.

and picked you.

Are you saying that I'm a better father than you?

Uh-uh.

Not what I'm saying

Vic, it's just us, man.

This will reverse. I'd like to think I'd be mad enough to admit it to you.

Fine.

George?

You're a better father than me.

Ah, I got you!

George?

You're a better father than me.

I got my new ringtone.

Remember when Veronica was younger?

She was a good kid.

That was a long time ago.

Well, that kid is in there somewhere,

so please save my granddaughter.

Thanks for watching!

So...

Thanks for everything.

I guess I'll just take my check now.

I'll give you cash.

You have it in cash?

No way!

There you go.



That's your allowance for next week.

Oh, and you have chores to do, too.

Started with getting groceries because, uh, we need more chips.

And you know the kind I like? The bait.

No way.

I am not staying here.

You said that you were giving me my inheritance.

I changed my mind.

You think I'm going to give you millions of dollars so you can screw up your life?

What do you care? What, all of a sudden you're acting like my dad?

Look, I'm the closest thing you got, okay?

Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but this is what Dad's saying.

Someday you'll thank me for this.

This is so unfair.

Oh, I know the answer to that one, too.

Watch out.

Who said life was fair?

I HATE YOU!

Oh, you're first, I hate you.

Welcome to the family!

Dad.

great thing you just did.

George?

You're a better father than me.

What was that?

That's my new ringtone.

You know what?

You are a great father.

Thank you.

Oh, damn, it's Max.

I forgot to pick him up at the movies.

What are you looking at me for?

Go get him.