01x02 - Derek Equinox Bathroom

[bunniefuu]

[quirky music playing]

[music stops]

-[clicks]
-[whirring]

["Ain't It Fun" playing over stereo]

♪ I don't mind ♪

♪ Letting you down easy
But just give it time ♪

♪ If it don't hurt now
But just wait, just wait a while ♪

♪ You're not the big fish in the pond
No more ♪

♪ You are what they're feeding on… ♪

Hm. Something's missing.

It's not quite right.

Yup, nailed it.

Hey, give me your hand.

Everyone who is ever mean to you
will die one day.

-I would be so lost without you.
-[song ends]

Aww.

-I'm gonna need this shirt too.
-Of course!

[theme music playing]

[theme music fades]

Why are you wearing scrubs?

Uh, they're not scrubs.

They're prototypes
for Deadstock's new line of matching sets.

It's pajama core, but lazy coded.

They say "MD" on them.

Yeah, "Maison Deadstock."
What's confusing about this?

You should really lock your front door.
What if there was a burglar?

What's he gonna steal, our microwave?

Joke's on him, it's too hot to touch
and has been for months.

[chittering]

Ugh. I can't believe you live like this.

If you hate our place so much,
why are you always here?

Uh, if I didn't come over,
you'd still be living with that gas leak.

Hey, we loved that smell.

My sleep has been terrible since then.

I'm going to look for an apartment soon.

I just have a very specific list of needs,
and I'm inflexible on all of them.

This is New York. You can't be too picky.

Yesterday, I found a baby's pacifier
in my salad, and you know what?

I ate around it.

Plus, we get a great deal on rent because
I used to hook up with our landlord.

[scoffs] The old Polish guy?

[Andrew] Yaroslav's actually 32,
but he's been through a lot.

[somber music plays]

Ugh! Well, I'll eventually
get around to finding an apartment.

As long as it doesn't
look like your place.

You're living in squalor.

It's actually pretty hard
to get an apartment in SQuAloR now.

South Queens along Rockaway?
It's really starting to get gentrified.

They already have five Sweetgreens.

[upbeat music plays]

-[music stops]
-[inhales]

Are you trying to vape that USB stick?

What? No.

Hello, Greta and new Greta.

I'm looking for someone
to write an article

on this new celebrity diet drug, Mother.

[gasps] Mother?

Rumor has it
that before Dua Lipa went on it,

she was more of a Quattro-Lipa.

I can write it. Unless you want to.

No, this is good. This makes up
for the time I played Gigi Van Tranh

in my high school production
of Miss Saigon.

[jazzy showtune playing over PA]

Are you sure you're up for it?

Mother is still under
the FDA classification

of celebrity use only,

but if it doesn't k*ll anybody
before awards season,

they'll accelerate approval.

Oh, I'll be fine.

A psychic told me how I was gonna die,
and it's surprisingly not from drugs.

Great.

Take it over the weekend
and have the report on my,

I believe it's called "desk,"

by Monday.

Huh.

I feel like my belly button is--

Erect. Yes.

Don't worry. It will only get harder.

[lively music plays]

I don't know, Eunice.
Are you sure it's safe?

Are you kidding? I feel incredible.

Sure, my vision's a little blurry,
and I have dry mouth,

and my eyebrows are on fire,
and it hurts to hear stuff,

but I've never felt better.

Great news, everyone.
I've decided to find an apartment.

That's great.

And you two are gonna help me look.

But… but I'm g*y.

Look, I am brand new to the city
and you've lived here for seven years.

Plus, every night you get high
and watch Architectural Digest tours.

Hello, Architectural Digest.

I'm Cara Delevingne,

and this is the run-aground submarine
I call home.

Ooh. This is a good one.
She has a piano shaped like a nipple.

Please, you guys.
I'm asking for your help.

[groans] I guess I can clear my schedule.

The last day of jury duty
is usually just a pizza party, right?

[in grunt language] She's so picky!
She's going to take up all our time!

[grunts] The sooner we help her,
the sooner she's out of our hair.

[grunting] Ugh. Fine.

Hey, have you seen my battery pack?

You left it at the gym.

I put it in your room.
It's charging your vibrator as we speak.

[sighs] You're so sweet.

[in English] It's rude to do telepathy
in front of other people.

You and Mom and Dad
use your secret language in front of us.

It's Mandarin, and you went
to Chinese school for six years.

-You should know it too.
-Oh, wait.

My friend Derek is a realtor.
I'll send you his contact.

[message chimes]

"Derek Equinox bathroom." Oh, gross!

Yes, we met in a gym bathroom,
but it's not what you're thinking.

-We had a**l sex.
-That's exactly what I was thinking.

Well, you shouldn't think that.
You're my sister.

Don't you think it's weird
that every single person in your life

is just someone you've hooked up with?

Your lawyer, your landlord,
all the flying monkeys in Wicked.

It's not my fault
I have a raw sexual magnetism

and a fetish for getting great deals.

I'll set up some apartment viewings
with Derek, and we'll join you.

Oh, and if you need a contractor,

you should talk to my friend
"Ethan American Airlines c*ck."

What?

So, Derek, to recap,
I need a building with a doorman,

a terrace, walk-in closets,
a view of Central Park.

It has to be child-friendly,
but also have no children nearby.

And it needs to be post-w*r,
meaning post-w*r On Terror.

Is your husband joining us?

Oh, God, no.

Warren and I have discreetly disengaged.

A phrase I just coined.

I will be living with my lover, Peter.

I'm his soulmate,
his mentor, his silly rabbit.

-Aww, does he call you that?
-No.

You're a good boy. Yes, you are.

Yo, dude, your dog is all slippery. Ow.

Eunice, are you okay?

I'm testing a new diet drug for work.

My blood's moving around really fast.
Can you tell?

Andrew, are you sure
you don't wanna take her vitals?

Oh, I'm not a doctor.

You're wearing a stethoscope.

It's a necklace.

Wha-wha-wha,
I thought you guys knew each other.

Yeah, we only really know
what each other's penises look like.

Okay, well, now that we're all here,

I'm happy to report that this building
fits all of Ruthie's criteria. Shall we?

[lilting classical music playing]

Oh! This place is stunning.



maids' quarters,
state-of-the-art fitness center,

and if you don't like your view,
once a year, they rotate the building.

I'll take it.

Ah, perfect!

And you're getting a great deal.
It's only $52 million.

What do you have
that's a little more in my price range?

I think this apartment
is much more to your taste.

Very cozy.

Look, it has…

floor-to-ceiling walls.

Hey, think of how much
you'll save on Windex.

This place rocks. I love how the ceiling
is breathing in and out.

I feel like I'm in a coffin.

Oh, if you're open to coffins, I can get
you one in Midtown for 3,300 a month.

[retches] There is a clump of hair
in the kitchen sink.

This is unacceptable.

Oh, I think that's mine. My bad. Mm-hm.

I have one last unit we can view today,
but please keep an open mind.

Okay, but the last time
I kept an open mind,

I ended up at my ex-husband's
adult a cappella concert.

♪ Why you gotta be so rude? ♪

♪ Don't you know I'm human too? ♪

Ugh. He added
an eight-minute beatbox solo.

As you can see, this place
has decent square footage,

all new appliances,
a partial view of the city,

and it's firmly within your price range.

I just need a second opinion. One sec.

{\an8}[line dialing]

Let me just silence this. Sorry.

Damn it.

Oh, hi, Ruthie.
This isn't a great time. You know, work.

I'm viewing apartments.
I thought you'd wanna see the contenders.

Since you might
be spending a lot of time here.

That's Peter, Ruthie's married boyfriend.

Married boyfriend?
God, the straights are catching up.

So, what do you think of this place?

Uh-huh. Looks great, babe.

Is this room big enough for a nursery?

Yeah, totally.

-[thump]
-sh*t, was that a buoy or a seal?

This is just a really big decision,
and I wanna make sure it's perfect.

Yep, I'm sure you'll pick the best boat.

-Apartment.
-What?

-I'm looking for an apartment.
-I don't have time for this.

Super busy, you know how it is.

Wait, is that a bachelorette party?
Take your top off!

Peter's right.

I deserve the best.

This place isn't good enough.

-[cell phone buzzing]
-Cool. Now both of my legs are vibrating.

Nope, getting a call. Hang on.

Hi, Jane.

If you're looking for your phone again,
it's in your hand. You're talking into it.

No, it's not that this time.

I'm calling to check in
on how Mother is going.

Oh, it's good. It's good.

One thing,
I am starting to feel really tired,

and I'm tasting rusted metal all the time.

Mm-hm. Mouth blood.
That's how you know it's working.

It's just, if my side effects get worse,
I should stop, right?

Legally, I am required to tell you
that you can stop at any point.

But I do see this as a sign
of your dedication to Klerp.

I'd hate to have to give
this opportunity to Greta instead.

Before I promoted her to assistant editor,
she once took a b*llet for me.

Oh my God!

A Nutribullet.
She took it back to the store for me.

Shouldn't have phrased it like that.

But the store was in Jersey City,
and I didn't have a receipt,

so it was a really hard task.

Do not worry.

I'll stick with Mother,
even if it kills me.

[laughs hysterically]

Do you mind putting that in an email?

You haven't been listening to me at all.

This place doesn't have a gym,
it's east-facing, not south,

and I'm pretty sure I saw an SNL
cast member getting off the elevator.

-And what's wrong with that?
-It was a featured player.

Ma'am, you are the most difficult client
I have ever worked with,

and I was once pushed off a fire escape
by Faye Dunaway.

Oh my God, iconic.

Andrew, we can work this out
in the Equinox steam room

at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow.

I'll be in the red flip-flops.

Someone has an attitude problem.

Yes, you.

Lowering your standards
is the only way to enjoy New York.

Last week, I saw Omarosa
as Velma Kelly in Chicago.

She took a phone call
during "All That Jazz,"

and we gave her a standing ovation.

[inhales] Maybe you're right.

I might need
to lower my standards a little.

Oh! I should look in your neighborhood!
It has to be cheap.

I saw a Honda Accord
parked outside of your building.

And you'll be close to me and can be
on call to help when the baby comes.

Uh… our neighborhood? [laughs]

Are you sure?

It's important to have
some standards, right, Eunice?

-[thudding]
-Where's Eunice?

[lively music plays]

Ruthie cannot live near us.
She's already here way too much.

I agree. Ruthie no good.

Keep sister far.

Eunice go towards the light.

Away from the light, Eunice.
We've been over this. Focus.

I've come up with a plan
that might fix things.

This seems complicated.

Oh, this is just a prop.

I used to hook up with the guy
who did set dec for Homeland.

The plan is simple.

We take Ruthie
on a tour of our neighborhood

and stage every interaction
to make sure it's a bad one.

She'll hate this area so much
she'll never wanna move here.

-How do you know these guys?
-I used to date…

-Oh. All of them.
-Oh my God, Andrew!

More exes? This is too important!

I'm just so happy
to be included with all these exes.

And by the way, I have an idea.
What if we did, as a group, a kiss?

First things first.
Let's just get this out of the way.

Is anyone mad at me?

Good to know. Use that out there.

More details can be found
on our shared Signal thread.

Signal? Isn't that the app for,
like, planning wars?

Or for g*y men to share their opinions

about prestige actresses
they can't be on record about.

Oh my God, Scott just texted,
"Allison Janney. She's tall. So what?"

So for the street-tough character
who I've named Lorenzo,

could I get some more background?

What's his attachment style?
What are his food allergies?

What's his position
on Puerto Rican statehood?

-Is he friends with your doctor character?
-I'm not a doctor. This is fashion.

Hm. I feel like that's muddying the scene.

Don't overthink it. Just be scary.

Got it, scary.

But, um, imperious scary, like Javert,
or, uh, sexy scary, like Macavity?

Scary like when your doctor wants you
to come in for your STI results in person.

Mm. Good note. Yeah, I'll play with it.

You hooked up with that guy too?

Not Tyler. God, I'm not a sex monster.

I hooked up with his husband.
But they're open, I think, maybe.

Oh. [groans]

You guys were supposed to meet me
at the subway.

Ruthie, we're excited to show you
the places we love around here.

That's right. Places.

-Ah! This area is actually really cute.
-[enchanting music plays]

-[rumbling]
-[music fades]

What's going on here?

So this is the new 32nd Avenue subway.

We should be done
in 50, 60 years. Eighty tops.

[laughs] Eighty tops? C'mon.

Well, I guess
I didn't move here for the quiet.

-[flies buzzing]
-[sniffs]

Oh my God, what is that smell?

[retches] Excuse me, sir.
What are you doing?

You've never heard of reverse trash day?

I'm required by the city
to fill all these cans

with stinky fish carcasses from the docks.

Reverse trash day?

Yeah, Eric Adams said
it came to him in a dream.

I guess you probably don't want
to live in this neighborhood, huh?

No, no, let's keep looking.

It's like you said,
I need to lower my standards.

I can be chill.

I am chill.

I am the chillest.

Ruthie, you stay here.

We're just going to dip into this bodega
for a second.

It was held up three times this morning.

What's going on out there?
Nothing fazes her.

Ugh.

Maybe we should just end this charade.

Why did we think we could stop a woman

who once got a written apology
from Tim Cook

for getting rid of the headphone jack?

We can do this.

Let me just double up this next dose
so I have the energy to continue.

Am I swallowing?

I feel like I'm swallowing.

You sure you don't want
to look in another neighborhood?

I hear northeastern Pennsylvania
is having a real renaissance.

-Only two and a half hours door-to-door.
-[children laughing]

What the hell is this?

It's the community garden
where our neighbors grow fresh produce.

So you're saying
there is shared ownership of the land?

Yeah, the neighborhood association
even provides gardening tools.

So the workers are allowed
to own the means of production?

-[dramatic music swells]
-Ah!

This is socialism!

I won't stand for this.
I don't even like fire departments.

My tax dollars are supposed to pay
because you didn't put your cigarette out?

-[dramatic music playing]
-[gasping]

[gasps]

[music crescendos]

I know I need to lower my standards,
but I can't live in this neighborhood.

Holy sh*t, I think we did it.

Yeah.

Just to recap, what did we do,
and who are you?

I'm having trouble seeing more than
a couple inches in front of my face.

No sudden moves, lady!

Hand over your pearls
or I'll give you the slipper, see?

Oh no, you can't rob this poor woman

who has already decided
she doesn't want to live here.

Maybe you should wrap it up
and, uh, move along?

Stop flapping your gums or I'll--

[screams]

Oh my God!

What the hell, Andrew?
You promised me no combat scenes!

Wait, you know this guy? Who is he?

I'm Lorenzo, an avoidantly attached
street thug with a gluten intolerance

who thinks there should never
be more than 50 states!

Who stands in perfect ballet turnout?

Perfect? Why thank you.

Let me guess,
he's one of your former hookups too?

Actually, I hooked up with his husband.
They're open.

We're not.

They're not.

You hired actors to scare me off?

That's how much you don't want me around?

Fine! I guess I'll just leave you
and Eunice alone forever.

Eunice?

Eunice, I said stay away from the light!

-[ethereal music playing]
-[car horn blaring]

[tires screeching]

I'm okay-- [grunting]

[groans]

[angelic music playing]

Hm…

Huh?

Where am I?

Who are you?

I'm Hayley Williams,
lead singer of Paramore,

and you're in the deepest recesses
of your subconscious.

I shall be your guide.

Wait, really? How did I get you?

Remember that summer you worked at CVS?

"Ain't It Fun" played every hour
in your store.

My song got so stuck in your head
that it's now your most intrinsic memory.

Don't flatter yourself.

As Paramore once sang,

"What are you gonna do
when the world don't orbit around you?"

[gasps] You're right.

Come with me, Eunice.

I'd like to show you around your mind.

[ethereal music playing]

[gasps]

In each of these rooms lives a memory
that is foundational to your very being.

To your left, you'll see that time Fergie
did front flips on the Today show

while singing "Barracuda."

[singing indistinctly]

And to your right, you'll see the moment

where Tyra Banks pretended
to have rabies on her talk show.

[growling]

She won Emmys for that show.

Are all my memories of pop culture?
Isn't there anything of, like, my family?

Oh, yeah. It's just way in the back.

Oh, here's a fun one.

You and Andrew
trying to teach your Furby how to swear.

[vocalizing]

No, Furby. English!

Furby hungry.

We wouldn't let him eat
until he said "a*s."

He ended up starving to death.
I love this memory.

No, Eunice, look. There's more.

Oh, are you guys seriously
playing with baby toys? Grow up.

If you're just gonna make fun of us,

go put files in your briefcase
or whatever grown-ups do.

Damn! She just called you a grown-up!

[both laughing]

Did Ruthie feel left out?
That's sad. But we were just kids.

It wasn't just that time. Look.

[laughs nervously]

I'll look in your neighborhood.

That way, you'll be close to me

and can be on call
to help when the baby comes.

[music turns poignant]

Huh. So that's why Ruthie hangs around
so much and gives us so much sh*t.

Because she wants
to find a way to be included.

Wow, Eunice. You're so smart.

So insightful.

[giggles] Thanks.

-[enchanting music playing]
-Are we vibing right now?

["Ain't It Fun" playing]

♪ Ain't it fun ♪

♪ Living in the real world? ♪

[medical devices beeping]

Nurse, get in here. My sister is coding.

Oh, she's not coding.

She's about to finish.

Yeah, Hayley Williams.

I should be nice to my sister.

Oh, yeah.

Right there.

Where were you?

I got roped into a transplant
and never found a good time to tell them.

I didn't cut anything out,
I only put stuff back!

[gasps]

Eunice, you were in a coma. Are you okay?

Any way to put me back for five minutes?
I feel like I can get there in five.

Hi, I'm Dr. Piss. Yes, it's my birth name.

No, I do not want to talk about it.

Anyway, glad to see you're awake.

I must ask, how long exactly
have you been undergoing cancer treatment?

You must have the wrong chart.
Eunice doesn't have cancer.

Well, her labs show
that she's taking a drug for it.

Cancer?

No, it's a diet drug called Mother.

This is a bag of expired chemotherapy.
You were putting this into your body?

It wasn't that bad.
And I lost a lot of weight and teeth.

-A few more days wouldn't hurt--
-Stop taking chemotherapy immediately.

Yep, copy that.

Well, now that I know you're okay,
I'll get going.

Wouldn't want my siblings to have to hire
more actors to get rid of me

because they hate me so much.

Ruthie, we don't hate you.
We just don't like being around you.

Thanks.

-[poignant music playing]
-No, Ruthie, it's okay.

When I was talking to Hayley Williams
of Paramore inside my own mind…

Just let her go with it.

…I realized, yes,
you're always on our case.

But maybe that's because
you might be a little jealous of us.

Like when we'd play Furby
and leave you out.

[laughs] Please,
I don't feel left out at all.

My credit score is double yours, combined.

I have Condoleezza Rice's phone number.

I mainly use it for prank calls,
but I have it.

Ruthie, do you hear yourself?

This is the language of jealousy.

Yeah, Ruthie. I say this with love.

You're being
a hysterical, crazy b*tch right now.

[groans] Fine.

Maybe, theoretically,
I am jealous that you are so similar.

Like you have
the same celebrity hall pass.

Both of the Property Brothers
at the same time.

Jonathan in the front,
Drew hitting it from the back.

So, yes, maybe I would like
to be included more,

and that's why I spend
so much time at your place.

Does this mean you still
wanna live in our neighborhood?

Oh God, no!

I saw a bunch of white people
doing capoeira in the park.

I could never.

How about, as a compromise,

I find a place not too far away.

One subway stop.

Mm… Make it four.

-Two.
-Express stops.

-One express, one local. Best and final.
-Deal.

We got a code blue.
Dr. Dang, we need you in triage.

-On it! Scrubbing in!
-No.

Right, I am not a doctor.

But I can still grab
some coffees for the nurses.

Nikki, oat milk, right?

[lively music plays]

This place doesn't have
everything I want, but it's a start.

So you're telling me I turn this dial

and the temperature of the room
changes to that number?

What is this, Hogwarts?

I can't believe you cook food
in your underwear drawer.

You guys grew up in the suburbs.

You've experienced
normal appliances before.

Real New Yorkers
remember nothing before coming here.

Well, I'm glad it all worked out.

And thanks for getting your ex
to help with the repairs.

Keys for new locks
to keep out the filthy Moldovans.

Thanks, Yaroslav. What do I owe you?

For Andrew's sister, you pay nothing.

See you at nine for Drag Race All Stars.

I'll bring the potatoes.

He mostly eats raw potatoes.

Okay, guys, it's time to get moving.
I need to get some work done.

Ooh! Can we supermarket sweep real quick?

Fine. I'm setting the timer
for one minute.

Go!

[Eunice] Yes! Oh yes, that's mine.

-[Andrew] Oh my God, yogurt!
-Mine!

[gentle music plays]

Wow, Eunice, I love the hat.

Aw, thanks. My hair is still regrowing
from the poison you made me take.

Well, it was worth it.
People love your article,

"I tried chemo every day for two days,
and here's what happened."

It has the most clicks
in Klerp's history, Eunice.

Wow, more than

"You won't believe how disgusting
this celebrity's wife looks now."

And because you did such a good job,

I'd like you to try another
wellness treatment and write about it.

[groans] Uh…

I don't know. My body's still recovering.

This one is just reviewing
a new Korean spa.

Oh, that's fine.
That actually sounds kind of relaxing.

Perfect. It is in the Demilitarized Zone
between North and South Korea,

and the US Embassy says
you will be legally on your own.

I'll tell them you're in!

♪ Can I have your daughter
For the rest of my life? ♪

♪ Say yes, say yes
'Cause I need to know ♪

♪ You say I'll never get your blessing
'Til the day I die ♪

♪ Tough luck, my friend
But no still means no ♪

-♪ Oh, why you gotta be so rude? ♪
-♪ Be so rude ♪

-♪ Don't you know I'm human too? ♪
-♪ A human too ♪

-♪ Why you gotta be so ♪
-♪ Be so ♪

-♪ I'm gonna, I'm gonna, oh! ♪
-♪ I'm gonna marry her anyway ♪

♪ Marry that girl, Ruthie! ♪

♪ Marry her anyway, Ruthie! ♪

♪ Marry that girl, Ruthie
Marry her anyway ♪

♪ Marry that girl ♪

♪ And we'll be a family ♪

♪ So why you gotta be so-- ♪
[clears throat] Excuse me.

♪ Rude? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Why you gotta be so cruel? ♪
-♪ Attitude-y ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah, why you gotta be so rude? ♪
-♪ Rude ♪