01x07 - Oh No! I'm Still Talking

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

[Andrew] Be cool. Be normal.

Find everything okay?

Oh, pretty good. How are you?

sh*t, why did I ask him that?

- You wanna order anything else?
- BLT.

No, you idiot. You have high cholesterol.

Actually, tuna sub.

You hate tuna. Why are you like this?

Wait, no. Uh, BLT.

Or, uh... what are you in the mood to make?
[laughs nervously]

What?

[Andrew] Dude,
why are you standing like that?

- Can you just tell me what you want?
- Okay, BLT.

- [sighs] We just ran out of bacon.
- Ah!

Well, uh, you can just
replace the bacon with, uh...

[tense music playing]

...spearmint Tic Tacs.

You can never come here again.

Spearmint Tic Tacs.

You sure?

[Andrew] You can still save this.
Say something cool as you leave.

I love you.

- [grunts]
- [clattering]

- I'm okay. [laughs weakly]
- [metal screeching]

[screeches]

[theme music playing]

[theme music fades]

[indistinct chatter]

Decaf oat latte.

Again.

Why did you have them
remake it three times?

To establish dominance.

Listen, I need to ask you something.

Would you consider
being my child's godfather?

Oh. Um, sure.

Great! It's a lot of responsibility,
but I know you're up for it.

Responsibility? I thought being godfather
was a symbolic thing.

Like king of England
or guest judge on Drag Race.

Well, traditionally, the godfather
would assume custody of the child

in the event of the parent's death,
so I need you to sign these.

Wait, what? Why?

Ah, to cover our bases.

The agreement probably
won't even be necessary.

Ideally, I will outlive you.

Ideally?

But in the extremely unlikely event
of my death,

this says you'd be
my child's legal guardian.

And since I don't take chances,
you're gonna have to learn how to parent.

[thuds]

B Is for Border Security:
How to Raise a Political Centrist.

Ah, that's a good one,
but you might want to start with

Heather Has One Daddy Because Her Single
Mommy Died So Her Daddy Is Her Godfather.

[Andrew] "Over seven copies sold." Huh.

As a lawyer, I'd never tell you
to sign anything without reading it.

- Okay, I don't have all day!
- Oh, I'll sign.

Oh, yeah. [chuckles] No problem.

Do you not want to do this?

Of course I do. Ain't no thang.
[laughs nervously]

I'll sign it. I'll sign it right now.

And here I go.

And this is me signing.

- And we're signing...
- [suspenseful music playing]

Right...

[breathing raggedly]

...now.

[music stops]

You wrote, "I'm scared."

What? That's crazy.
I'm certainly not thinking that.

[lively music playing]

[music stops]

Wait, do you feel that?

No, what is it?

The Lenny Kravitz pants rip
uncensored video is back up.

[keypad clicking]

Wow, you're right. How did you know?

It's my sixth sense.

Come on, we've only got like ten minutes
before it gets taken down again.

[rock music playing over speakers]

- That's Zoë's dad?
- Is that folded in there?

Hey, sorry to bug, but I need someone
to take some packages to FedEx.

What about you, Eunice?

Oh, no, thank you.
But thanks for thinking of me.

But it's your job, [laughs nervously]
so you kinda have to.

Um, no, babe. I'm an intern.

You're not suggesting
a person of color do unpaid labor?

Oh my God, no!

I've read So You Want to Talk About Race,
and you know what I learned?

I don't.

And just so you know, you could have
a full-time job here if you wanted one.

Yuck, no. If I get a paid position here,
I can't collect unemployment.

And yeah, I've been used
in Republican attack ads,

but this situation works for me.

Right now, I can come and go as I please.

You really can't, though.

Then how do you explain this?

Okay, literally my role model.

[upbeat percussive music playing]

- [music stops]
- Crazy how life is, right?

One day you're a kid,

and the next you're a godfather
shoe designer with ulcer symptoms.

- Hey, are you mad at me?
- No, silly.

If I was mad at you,
I'd replace your shampoo with bugs.

You know that.

I think you're just stressed
about this godfather thing.

Stressed? I'm not stressed.

You've been chewing your nails all week.

And they look fine.

- [dramatic sting playing]
- [throbbing]

But don't you hate kids?

Pssh! Speak for yourself.
I mean, sure, I don't want kids of my own.

And I don't love sitting next to them
on airplanes or near them in a restaurant.

And if we were on a sinking boat
with limited life jackets,

I'm not sure I'm proud of what I'd do.

[laughs]

No offense, but I can't imagine you
taking care of another person.

[inhales sharply, then sneezes]

- Give me a blow.
- [blows]

Big one. Big one.

[blows]

One last thing. Your unemployment forms.

All you gotta do is mail them in
to get your benefits renewed.

Okay, that makes sense.
There's just one big problem.

I don't want to.

It's fine. I'll do it.
I've got errands to run anyway.

[grunting]

Push down and then turn.

I am turning!

[telephones ringing]

Andrew, say something encouraging.

Oh. Um...

You've got this.

You're brave. You're strong.

You have
higher-than-average pain tolerance.

Aw, thanks. I don't think that's true,
but thank you.

- [screams]
- [squeals]

- [lively music playing]
- Grab a set of those blocks for me.

[grunting]

I can't hold these.

You're fine.

Make sure they're the unvarnished kind.

I read it's good for a baby's
immune system to get a lot of splinters.

Andrew!

I got stuck in the bodega freezer again.

This is cookie dough. I said mint chip.

[Eunice giggles]

[Eunice moaning]

Excuse me.

[gulping] Ah!

- [Eunice moaning]
- [sighs]

[lively music continues]

All right, it's done.

[yelps then grunts]

You're paying for that.

[woman on video] Here's how to do
your own buccal fat removal.

- First, find your cheekbones.
- [Andrew panting]

[snoring]

- [Ruthie] Andrew?
- [gasps]

[music fades]

You missed a spot.

How can you tell?

This is the exact same color
the walls are right now.

Yes, but I am not about to raise my baby
in someone else's paint.

What the hell, Andrew?

You were supposed to mail
my unemployment forms in.

The deadline was Monday.

Oh my God, I've been so busy here.
I must have forgotten.

You can't even mail a letter.
You are so helpless.

Oh, I'm helpless?

You're the one
who made Andrew your little errand boy

for the past two weeks.

He hasn't even had time to fix our Brita.

- What's wrong with it?
- It's empty.

You're supposed
to put water in it, stupid.

Okay, Ruthie. From where?

Don't blame Andrew for your problems.

He pays your bills. He does your laundry.
You don't even have a real job.

You need to grow up
and take care of yourself.

Hey, I can take care of myself.

I don't need anyone's help.

[slams]

Andrew, may I borrow your keys?
I flushed mine down the toilet.

[groovy music playing]

- [music stops]
- This one is ugly, but it's on purpose.

And this one is kinda fly,
but it's on accident.

Can't we just do all of them?

Usually, yes, but as most of you know,
I lost a bet with Lil Dicky,

so now we don't have the budget
to make three different designs.

I also need to send him
bikini pics of my sister,

which she is not being cool about.

Hmm. Uh, maybe we could do
like a one-size-fits-all thing?

Like a really soft shoe
with no sole on the bottom.

You're describing a sock.

Am I describing a sock,
or am I disrupting a shoe?

Andrew, come on.

You need to pick one and be okay
with the fact that whatever you choose,

someone's gonna hate it, maybe everyone.

And maybe they'll talk about how much
they hate it every time you leave.

When you come back in,
they'll talk about something else,

but they're really just waiting
for you to leave again.

[intense music plays]

But I don't know.

[cell phone buzzing]

[tense music playing]

- Come on, Andrew. Make a decision.
- [Trayke] I like that one.

Or maybe that one.

[Cliff] Everyone's waiting.

- Andrew, come on.
- [music crescendos then fades]

I'm gonna go to the bathroom
and think it over.

Excuse me.

[screaming]

And you thought I could tell you
the answer to which shoe is the best?

Yes. And if you're thinking
a stretchy soft one that fits everyone,

get ready for a big long lecture
about socks.

Is it hard for you
to make decisions generally?

Yes.

Or no? I'm not sure.

It's worse now that I'm a godfather,
plus everything at work.

I barely had enough time
to do my sister's laundry.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling.
[laughs nervously]

Everything's been me, me, me. How are you?

I'm getting the sense
that you're an anxious people pleaser.

I'm cool with that if you are.
Oh my God, are you?

Have you ever tried an SSRI?

It could really help with your anxiety.

Oh! No.

Who would I even be without my anxiety?

You think your anxiety
makes you who you are?

Of course.

Let's throw some Wellbutrin in there too.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

Hey, Jane, can I talk to you for a sec?

Of course, Eunice.

I'm just putting
essential oils into my eyes.

It's painful at first...

[groans]

Yeah.

So, uh, I was wondering, um-- [gags]

...if I could have
a full-time job. [retches]

Ah! Eunice! I thought you'd never ask.

I'm so happy. Finally!

Yeah, well, I guess I'm basic and boring,

and I'll get a paycheck
and health insurance.

Oh, definitely not.
That's not part of this.

Now, let's find out
how much you'll be paid.

[clacking]

Looks like you're going to make...
gym teacher!

[poignant pensive music playing]

[inhales then exhales]

[music fades]

You want to order anything else?

Yeah, a chicken cluff.

Did you say "cluff"?

[chuckles] Yeah, I guess I did.

Life's full of little surprises.
That's what gets me up in the morning.

I open my eyes like,
"What's on the docket today, boss?"

I like you, man. You're cool.

- [gasps]
- ["White Rabbit" playing]

♪ One pill makes you larger ♪

♪ And one pill makes you small ♪

♪ And the ones that mother gives you... ♪

Hey, can you tell me
how to get to the Theater District?

No, thanks.

♪ Go ask Alice ♪

♪ When she's ten feet tall... ♪

- Yo, dude, how many more sets you got?
- Seven.

But I'm gonna be on my phone for a while.

[grumbles]

He's not even lifting.

♪ ...you're going to fall ♪

♪ Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar... ♪

Just so you know,
those are non-returnable.

You're gonna have to live
with that top for the rest of your life.

I think you mean the rest of your life.

Are you asking me out?

Hell yeah, I am.

Want to see a picture of my kids?

Definitely not.

Mr. Dang, I have your test results here,
and unfortunately--

Can you just e-mail them to me?

Andrew, are you on drugs?

[chuckles] You know what? I am.

[sighs]

- [crowd yelling indistinctly]
- [car horns honking]

♪ Feed your head ♪

And that is how you do it,
folx with an X.

- See you next time.
- [cheering]

- [song fades]
- Good work out there, Nadine.

Felipe, I see you, brother.

Look at you, star of parenting class.

You are so good at this.

Thank you. I feel good.

To be honest,
I wasn't sure I could do this before,

but now I'm excited to be a godfather.

[laughs]

- What's so funny?
- [laughs]

I have no idea.

- [copier beeping]
- Hey, I think you left mail on my desk.

No, that's your paycheck.

You're a girl boss now.

Or just a regular, everyday boss,

because girls being bosses
should be normalized.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Is it being part of the capitalist system
that ultimately oppresses you?

'Cause, babe, white people did that.

Money just doesn't feel as good
when you've had to work for it, you know?

It's like wearing an outfit
that you didn't steal.

- [copier beeps]
- [sighs]

- This printer's always jamming.
- Oh, I got it.

[grunting]

Oh, no, no, no, look. You can fix it.

You just open that part
and take the paper out.

[chimes]

[whirring]

Oh my God.

What just happened?

[chuckles] You learned something.

What is this tickling feeling?

It's like my brain is hungry.

That's curiosity, Eunice.

Aw! My computer crashed.

I'll handle this.

You just open this part up
and take the paper out.

Huh. There's no paper in here.

Well, you're on your own, bud.

[upbeat music playing]

- [music stops]
- I've made my decision.

It wasn't easy, and it took a long time.

Altogether, probably like two hours
of thought spread over a couple days,

and I'm choosing...

- [gasping]
- Hey!

...my idea.

That's right.
I'm designing the shoe myself.

It's gonna be an iconic,
timeless, low-top masterpiece.

Hope you like blue

'cause that's the only colorway
it's coming in.

Any questions?

- [triumphant music playing]
- Yeah!

Go, Andrew!

So cool.

[music fades]

Andrew, I gotta say,

we go way back, and for most of that time,
you've just straight-up sucked nards.

Unpleasant to be around.
Real nervous little b*tch energy.

But today, you're like 5% less that stuff.

Thanks, Cliff. Hey, have a great weekend.

It's Monday.

I stand by what I said.

Eunice, what did you do? Do you want me
to make it go back to pictures?

For your information,

I am doing work for my job,

and I made this.

You figured that out all by yourself?

A friend taught me.

Actually, he's a magical paper clip
that lives in the computer.

Good for you. Good for me, really.

This means I get a break from doing
everything for you all the time.

But I thought you love
doing everything for me.

Wait, is something different about you?

Did you use to have a mustache
or a really tall hat?

I started taking an SSRI.

I feel invincible.

I could, I don't know,
eat by myself in public,

or give career advice to a friend's kid.

I'm like five seconds away
from calling a restaurant and being like,

"Hey, what are your hours today?"

I don't know what an SSRI is,
but don't tell me.

I want to find out on my own.

I can do that now.

Well, we can do that now.

Yippee!

Damn, we're so normal.

[paperclip whistles]

Hey, seems like you're in denial

about your changing relationship
with your brother.

[lively music plays then stops]

Hey, where can I find
the prenatal vitamins?

Aisle four. Congrats, by the way.

Oh, I'm not having a kid.

They're for my sister.
I don't even like kids.

Oh my God.

Is everything okay?

- I don't even like kids.
- [pensive music playing]

I hate kids.

- [music turns dramatic]
- I hate kids. Oh my God, I hate kids.

I hate kids!

- [gasps]
- Don't you see?

I was so wrapped up
in whether I could take care of this baby,

I didn't stop to think if I should!

[music fades]

- You gonna pay for that, sir?
- Absolutely not.

Hey!

Can one of you make copies
of these contracts for me?

Why would you say something like that?

For real, we don't know
how to use the copy machine.

Oh, but I can teach you. It's fun.

There's a good joke

where you sit on the machine
and make photocopies of your butt.

Then later at happy hour,
everybody reflects on it and laughs.

It's called "office culture."

Dude, you're bumming me out.
I'm literally nauseous.

Yeah, ever since
you became a paid employee,

you're so, like, normie and try-hard.

Like a mailwoman or something.
I don't know what jobs are.

No. No, you guys. I'm still me.

I just know things now.
Knowledge is cool. Knowledge is power.

[screams]

That was self-defense. You all saw it.

She tried to make me learn something.

[peaceful music playing]

[automated voice over speaker]
Your savings account balance is $248,000.

[moans] Yeah, right on the edge
of not being FDIC insured.

That's the sweet spot.

- Hi!
- I told you to knock!

Just wanted to drop off
some parenting books and a couple DVDs.

- I don't need them anymore.
- Oh, great.

If you're done with those,
you can start assembling the crib.

It's 437 interlocking pieces from Japan,

but one of them is missing
to make it wabi-sabi.

Oh, no, thank you.

I decided I don't want
to be the godfather to your child.

It's too much work,
and I don't want to do it.

Are you kidding me right now?

Nope. I'm on these SSRIs,

and they've really put me in touch
with what I want.

And what I want is to not help you
because I hate kids.

And you just now realized this?

No, I realized it like an hour ago,

but I walked around a little,
got some ice cream.

The French call it flâner.

Okay, no problem.

Except, oh my gosh, oh wait.

You signed a binding contract saying
you would be the godfather of my child.

And any breach of that contract
means I can sue you,

which I will.

So are we still on
for dinner tomorrow, or...?

No! The next time I'll see you
will be in court!

Okay, see you there.

SSRIs are the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Things are going great at work.
My sister yelled at me, but I didn't care.

At 3:00 p.m., I feel so tired I collapse.

I entered a fugue state and woke up
on the set of Good Morning America.

Right, you're still
in the titration period,

though that should be over soon.

What do you mean?

Patients can experience
euphoria and fatigue

during the first couple of weeks
of medication, but don't worry.

After that, you'll level out
and start feeling more like yourself.

Myself? No. Ew. No!

That's the last thing I want to feel like.
Can you up my dose?

I'm afraid not.

Of course you can't. You're a doctor.

And I've been talking to you
like a junkie hitting up his dealer.

What is wrong with me?

It's fine. Just calm down.

Do I not seem calm right now?
Am I freaking out?

Be honest. Are you mad at me?

Um, no. Why did you ask that?

I don't know. Are you mad at me
for asking if you're mad?

My feelings aren't relevant here.

Oh my God, you are mad! I knew it!

- Have a great day!
- Nothing much!

[door slams]

I know I originally said
that we'd do my idea, but then I thought,

"What if that made people mad at me?"

And that made me
lock myself in the bathroom,

and check my pulse,
and google "heart attack symptoms."

So I came up with an elegant solution.

We're doing everyone's idea.

Uh, I think it looks like dog sh*t?
But in a bad way.

Andrew, what the hell?

That's the dumbest piece of design
I've ever seen in my entire life.

And I own three Cybertrucks.

Okay, but there's good stuff
in here, right?

Just kidding, this is a joke sneaker.
No, it's not. It's all I got.

I'm a piece of sh*t, don't laugh at me!

Oh no, I'm still talking.

Everybody go home.
Work is canceled today, yay!

- [dramatic sting plays]
- Andrew, no!

We were supposed to die together!

Ugh! You're supposed to blow air
into a person's lungs.

And use way less tongue.

Okay, well, why are you
lying on the floor like that?

I don't deserve the couch right now.

I've been way too honest,
and I care what people think again,

and I hate it.

Everyone's mad at me.

That's not true. I'm not mad at you.

In fact, I need you.
I don't want to know stuff anymore.

But I thought you loved learning.

No, I realized
people are forced to know stuff

because they don't have brothers
who know stuff for them.

How sad is that?

I don't know, Eunice.
I'm a crappy brother.

Ruthie's really pissed at me
because I don't want to be a godfather.

I just can't handle all that.
Your pants are on backwards, by the way.

Wait, I have an idea.

[tense music playing]

Listen up, Ruthie.

You gotta be nicer to Andrew.

Why should I?

He made a firm commitment
and then backed out at the last minute.

He can't do that. He's not Frank Ocean.

That's 'cause you were asking Andrew
to do something he didn't want to do.

He wanted to tell you earlier,
but he was scared of letting you down.

Everyone lets me down.

Warren, Peter,
the sommelier who sold me on natural wine.

It's just kombucha in a nicer bottle.

Don't you get it, Ruthie?

Andrew can't take care of your baby
because he already has one.

Me.

Are you serious?

You said it yourself.
He feeds me, clothes me, does my laundry.

Face it, Ruthie. I am baby.

It's true. She has real issues
with object permanence.

Where did you go?!

Oh! There you are.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You need Andrew
more than my baby ever will.

[meows]

I didn't know you had a cat.

I'm watching him for a friend.

Although he's been acting strange.
I think he might be sick.

Don't worry. I know how to fix things now.

[Andrew] Eunice! No!

[cat yowls]

Hey, uh, could someone help organize the--

Eunice? Why aren't you at your desk?

I asked Jane to fire me
and then rehire me as an unpaid intern.

I'm not giving the money back,
though, because I lost the check.

Okay, well, can one of you guys
help organize the supply closet?

[scoffs] "Guys"?

I mean one of you people.

"You people"?

I mean... [breathing nervously]

Fine, I'll just do it!

- Yay!
- Yes!

Let's watch porn till lunch.

[man on TV] Carnage at the Met Gala.

Claire Foy tripped over herself
while ascending the steps

taking out Heidi Klum, Suki Waterhouse,
and Zendaya in the process.

Sources say the massive Deadstock shoe
she was wearing is to blame.

- Uh-oh.
- Luckily, no one was hurt.

And Jared Leto was k*lled.

I-- I'm just hearing now
that it was a mannequin of Jared Leto

that Jared Leto had brought as his date.

Huh. Weird guy.

[theme music playing]