Francis in the Navy (1955)

[bunniefuu]

These are some of the newest

weapons in our arsenal of defense.

Fantastic, fearsome

and reassuring.

Even weapons like these,

however, would mean little

unless we were at least

one jump ahead of the enemy.

Thus, to stay a jump ahead, a foremost

concern of our armed forces is security.

From well-trained guards

to electronic code machines,

we work constantly to protect

our military secrets.

And when it comes to data

of the most critical nature,

the kind around which revolves

the destiny of the free world,

even codes are not enough.

These top secrets

are entrusted to only

the most carefully

chosen couriers.

Good morning, Prescott.

Good morning, Stirling.

Did you bring it? It's in

the bag and it's plenty hot.

Ah.

Well, here you are.

One for you and one for me.

That's just what I need, Pete, my boy.

My nerves are shot.

Tough night?

Yeah, a tough message from

the navy base at Coronado.

Harder to crack than a

top sergeant's heart.

Hmm. Navy, huh? Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you

what, Prescott.

I've got a 30-day

leave coming up,

and back home there's

a little old lady

who runs a candy store where

they sell salt water taffy.

I'll have her break It for you.

That's very funny. Very funny.

Here. Try it yourself, buddy.

It's all yours. Thank you.

Oh, no!

This is terrible! It can't happen!

It mustn't happen!

And I won't let it happen!

What's the matter? This is w*r!

w*r? w*r? Yeah, a personal w*r.

Me and the Navy.

Well, where're you going?

What's in that message?

I told you, Prescott,

it's personal.

Stirling, what does that say?

I can't tell you!

You can't leave here

with that message!

Get outta my way, Prescott!

I'm in a hurry!

But you said yourself

over and over

all messages must be

cleared through security!

I did? You've said

it a hundred times!

Now, what're you gonna do?

Eat my words!

Your flight is 303 leaving

next Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.

Thank you very much.

Oh! Excuse me.

I phoned you. You've got my tickets.

I'm Peter Stirling.

Slicker.

Slicker, what are

you doing here?

And in that uniform!

But now, look, Miss...

I think you have the...

How could you do such a thing?

Yeah, but I didn't. I didn't. I

didn't do it. I didn't... Like what?

Wearing an Army

officer's uniform.

They'll throw you in the brig!

In the what? They'll

throw me in the what...

Now, look, Madam, I think

you've made a mistake.

I mean, Miss... Sir...

Be quiet! You're attracting

attention, Slicker.

Slicker? Who's he? I'm not him.

He's not me. I don't even...

Now, now, see here.

Now wait, please...

Slicker, you shouldn't

have done it.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Well, we're not gonna

argue the point.

You're getting out of

that uniform right now.

Out of my uniform? Now, look.

See here! Now stop...

You're getting back

into your own uniform.

Why, this is my uniform. I...

Come on and cooperate.

Please. Look, you don't

know what you're doing.

Come on. Get out of this silly outfit!

All of it!

It's my uniform and I... Will you...

Look, madam... Sir...

Miss, will you...

You're gonna take the next

plane back to Coronado.

Come on, Slicker. You're gonna

have your own uniform on.

This is my own uniform.

And now the pants.

The pants? No, no!

Oh, no, you don't.

These are my pants

and this is my uniform!

Peter Stirling. Army!

I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

Is it possible?

Yes, it is possible.

But you look exactly like him.

Yeah, but I'm not him! He's not me!

I don't even know him!

I don't know what to say.

I'm awfully sorry.

Yeah, well, you

should, you should be!

Flight 46

leaving immediately...

That's my plane.

I gotta get outta here.

At Gate Three.

Flight 46 leaving

immediately at Gate Three.

Now there's something

you really should investigate.

Excuse me, sailor. Yeah?

Where do I get the bus

for the naval base?

Out front, soldier.

Just leaving.

Thank you.

Slicker.

Hey, Slicker!

There's your auction, Lieutenant.

Thanks.

Francis!

Francis!

Well, Lieutenant,

it's high time you got here.

How did you arrive?

By dog sled?

Gee, you don't even

seem glad to see me.

Oh, I guess I am.

Well,

I've sure missed you.

Oh, Pete. Break it up.

I'm nauseous enough from the

salt water around here anyway.

But, I don't understand.

You, an Army mule in the Navy.

Yeah.

Well, what happened?

Oh, I got tapped for a joint operation.

Somebody goofed the signal.

When it was over, I found

myself hitched to a Navy detail

and declared surplus. Oh!

Well, now the problem

is to get you out.

Get me out. And I

don't want to be bought

by just any nincompoop.

You'd rather be bought by me.

Right? Right!

Now, how you fixed for a*mo?

I got a full month's pay.

All right. Get in there

and start biddin'.

Remember, Lieutenant,

no slip-ups this time.

Are you worried?

Worried? Heavens, no.

These aren't gray

hairs in my tail.

I'm just a husky

silver fox.

Leave everything to me.

Slicker.

What...

What's the big idea?

What, are you crazy?

Look who's talkin'. Slicker,

you gotta stop this.

Slicker? Why does

everybody call me Slicker?

Knock it off. You've

gone too far this time.

Now, come on let's get

rid of this phony uniform.

Oh, not again. Well,

it's for your own good.

And for once, don't kick up a fuss.

Just come along quietly.

Now, now, look!

You've got the wrong man.

I just look like

somebody that you know.

Yeah, and if you don't

stop acting like him,

they're gonna throw

the book at you.

Come on, let's get

back to the outfit.

This is insubordination!

Maybe the authorities

ought to settle this!

Not so loud. Loud?

Okay, okay.

Have it your own way.

Forget I said anything. Just go

on doing what you were doing.

Well, I never.

Hey, Jonesy!

What gives, Murph?

It's Slicker again.

Oh, no. Yeah.

Where's Rick and Tony?

They're over in the quarters.

Battle stations, men!

What's up, Murph?

Battle stations! What's up?

Condition red! What's goin' on?

Slicker's off again.

Oh, no! Not again!

Just when I was

taking my beauty nap.

What's the matter?

Is he tanked up?

He's cold sober and wearing

an officer's uniform.

An officer's uniform? Army!

Army? Ai yi yi.

What's all the fuss?

"What's all the fuss?"

If Donevan's off his rocker, why

don't you let them put him In psycho?

You're new to this outfit, Tate.

You don't know Slicker.

The guy's a w*r hero.

He's been decorated eight times!

He's Navy, through and through!

Oh, sure. All Navy.

That's why he's always running

out without a liberty card.

He's a victim of combat fatigue.

He has relapses.

Yeah, innocent

little mental quirks.

Quirks, my foot! He's batty.

Thanks for the lift, baby.

Bye, Slicker, honey.

See you kids later.

How about me, Slicker?

Am I an orphan?

Relax, baby.

You're Marine property now.

Just for old times' sake?

Nothin' personal, matey.

One pucker, water boy,

and you're gonna be

hollerin' for damage control.

Hmm.

Like I said, matey,

nothin' personal.

Goodbye, ladies. Bye.

Hi. Hi.

It can't be! You must be wrong.

I am not! All right,

men, what's it all about?

What'd you do with the uniform?

What uniform?

I saw you

with my own eyes.

That olive drab ensemble.

Yeah. What the well-dressed bosun mate

wears when he impersonates an Army officer.

Murph's been seeing things.

You haven't been feelin' too well, Slicker.

You gotta be careful.

Don't do it again.

Get a grip on yourself.

Relax, chum. When I need a nurse,

I know where to lay my hands on one.

What do you think, Murph?

All clear for the moment.

I guess.

Come on, guys.

See you later. Yeah.

Hey, Murph. You saw me wearing

an Army officer's uniform?

It's no use tryin'

to deny it, mate.

Where'd you see me?

The same place you saw me,

at the Naval surplus auction.

At the auction, huh?

And you're sure it was me?

Well, sure I am.

Listen, mate, if there hadn't

been such a crowd at that auction,

I'd have hauled

you back by myself.

Thanks. You're a pal.

You want a lift?

No. I'm goin' over to Ships Service

to pick up some shaving cream.

Okay. But steer clear

of them rocks and shoals.

Are you all done?

$5, three times.

Sold for $5.

Take him away.

And now we come to number 57.

What have we here? A mule.

All right, you ranchers

and farmers!

Let's start the bidding at $100!

Well, do I hear 75?

Well, let's start at $30.

Do I hear a bid?

Twenty-five.

$25. Thank you, sir.

Thirty! Thirty! I have $30.

Do I hear 35?

$30! I have 30, I want 35.

Thirty-five!

$35! Thank you!

Forty! Forty! I have 40!

Thank you. I have $40. $40. $40.

Do I hear $45 for this

wonderful animal?

Get lost, Fatso.

Do I hear 45?

Do I hear 45?

Forty-five! $45!

$45! Forty five! I have 45!

Do I hear 50?

Fifty! $50! I have $50!

Oh! AUCTIONEER: $50!

Fifty! I hear $50! $50.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry!

That's all right,

Lieutenant.

Really, I'm...

Is there another bid? Fifty's the bid!

Fifty, once!

Fifty-five!

Fifty-five! Do I hear 60?

Sixty! $60! I have 60!

I have 60!

Sixty! Sixty! The bid is 60! Can I

get one more bid on this fine animal?

Hey, my wallet's gone! My money!

I lost my money!

Mmm, that's my boy.

The bid is 60!

Sixty-five!

Sixty-five! Sixty-five! Sixty-five, once!

Sixty-five, twice!

Seventy!

Seventy! The bid is seventy!

Can I get one more?

Seventy-five!

Seventy-five, once, twice.

Bid 80! AUCTIONEER:

The bid is 80!

Shh, Francis, don't! The bid is 80!

Do I hear 85?

- Eighty-five!

- Eighty-five once!

Can I get another bid

on this fine animal?

One hundred!

$100, once, twice.

Sold! For $100.

Take him away.

Francis, you'll be stuck in the Navy.

What are we gonna do?

Better raise that 100

bucks fast, Lieutenant.

Yeah, 100...

$100? Fast?

Now, folks, number 58. Sorrel

gelding, eight years old.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, if you

want to help Slicker,

you'd better

get there in a hurry.

Oh, he's really

on the loose this time.

He's in an Army

officer's uniform.

Sixty, 70, 80. No,

I've got to have 100.

I'm sorry, my laddie.

Hey, what about the bag itself?

That oughta be worth something.

All right.

I'll give you 100 even.

Oh. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Hey.

Wait a minute! Wait!

What are you gonna do to me?

It's all right, Slicker. It's all right.

We're takin' you home.

But I'm not Slicker!

Now don't make it difficult

like the last time!

I'm not Slicker! What are you...

You've got the wrong man!

Sure, you are! Sure, you are!

Now, listen!

Really, I'm not Slicker!

Everything's gonna be all right!

Now, look. I'm Lieutenant

Peter Stirling.

Yeah, Lieutenant!

Sure, we're your honor guard!

Look, can't we discuss...

Pull his pants off!

Can't we discuss this later? I've

got something very important to do!

Oh, you won't need

this phony dog tag.

That's my dog tag!

I've gotta buy a mule!

Really, I do! I've gotta buy a mule!

I've got the money right here!

Sure, I'll buy you

one for your birthday.

Yeah, but, now really, I've gotta buy a...

It's gonna be all right!

We're trying to help.

Now take it easy.

We're trying to help you.

You're gonna be all right.

I'm not Slicker.

Yes, sir?

Er, I've changed my mind.

I'd like to claim my things.

But, you... Just now they...

Oh, I'd rather you

forgot that incident, sir.

You see, it happens all

the time in my occupation.

Secret Service. Oh, I see.

I tell you, you're

making a mistake!

I'm not Slicker, whoever he is.

But I tell you,

you're making a mistake!

Now take your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

Okay, Slicker. Come on.

Jonesy.

Oh, no! Oh, not again!

Come on, Slicker. Put your

clothes on like a good guy.

Hey, Mac, what's up?

Found him In town in an

Army officer's uniform.

Army uniform?

Yeah, that's my uniform!

All right, now. Let's

have it out with your CO.

There's such a thing

as protocol!

Hold it, Slicker. Everything's

gonna be all right.

Slicker? How many times do I

have to tell you that I'm not...

So I look like somebody

in your outfit!

But we can't look

that much alike!

Now, look at me! Look at me!

I'm Lieutenant

Peter Stirling! Army!

We'll take it from here.

Thanks for bringing' him in.

Keep an eye on the guy. Yeah.

Oh, this belongs to him.

I've always been

Lieutenant Stirling,

except when I was a civilian,

but even then I wasn't Slicker!

Sure you were. He

don't know who he is!

Now, of course I know who I am!

It's you fellows that don't know who I am!

I told you...

Wait! Don't leave me here!

Hey, take it easy, mate!

This is where you belong. Sure.

Don't you remember me? Murph?

And Tony? Good old Tony?

Sure!

And Jonesy? And then Rick?

You know me.

Now come on. Let's lie down, shall we?

Yeah. Lie down!

Lie down? We shall not! We

shall go directly to your CO.

But a little rest, Slicker,

and you'll be your old self.

I am my old self!

Now listen, fellas! You'd

better stay away from me.

See, I told you before!

Now, you guys...

Now listen, you...

He shouldn't have done that.

I demand to see your commanding officer!

I insist!

In your skivvies, chum?

In nobody else's skivvies!

Now, look, Slicker, you...

And that's another thing!

Tell him that Lieutenant

Stirling demands an interview.

Who? Me!

Well, make up your mind!

Now, look, if...

Skip it! Now, look,

Slicker, you can't go in.

Commander! Commander. Yes, I...

I...

I'm about to make the

understatement of the year!

You, Donevan,

are out of uniform!

Yeah, I realize that,

sir, but...

No shirt, no pants,

and brown socks!

Donevan, is that their

color or their condition?

Well, you see, there's

been a mistake, sir.

As a matter of fact, you're making a

mistake. I am not who you think I am.

What was that?

Well, I am who

you think I am not.

That is, I used to be

Lieutenant Stirling.

That is, I am him, he. Who?

He who I am.

And not Slicker, that is.

Poor boy.

I wrote your sister, but even then

I never realized how bad it was.

May we have

a word with you, sir?

Now, now, don't listen to them, sir!

Don't listen to them!

That's just a case

of mistaken identity.

I just look like somebody. Somebody

apparently. But I can explain.

My boy, what did you

say your name was?

Lieutenant Peter Stirling.

United States Army.

Army? Yes, sir. I just flew in.

You just flew in? Yes.

I came to buy a mule.

A mule?

Yeah. Well, I guess you're

wondering what I'd want with a mule.

Oh, no! No, no, I...

Well, that... That's

another story, sir.

A rather incredible one,

but I can explain if I could just

see you for a few minutes in privacy.

Yes, of course! Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Poor Slicker!

Well, it finally happened, sir.

He went off his rocker.

But Navy, all Navy.

Slicker, when you gold-brick,

you do it in spades.

Now, let's get something

straight, Miss Standish.

I am not Slicker Donevan.

I did not get myself

slapped in to psycho to

see you or any other girl.

And I did not kiss you

behind your mess hall.

Oh, what a fib. And you told

me you were crazy about me.

You told me I was beautiful.

What are you doing?

Well, the doctor told me

to take your pulse.

You can't get a true reading this way.

Now, Miss Standish.

True-schmoo.

As long as it's high.

Good morning, Standish.

And how is our patient?

Dreamy. Oh, he'll

snap to pretty soon.

She was taking my pulse.

I thought so.

Suppose we have a talk about

your childhood, young man.

Well, I'll save you

some time, Doctor.

I did not hate my mother.

I had a very happy childhood.

My father did not sell my dog.

This statue does not

represent my alter ego.

I did not take out

my frustrations on it.

It just happens to be

a bust of Napoleon,

and I thought

it was expected of me.

You shouldn't force

these things, Donevan.

I'd rather you just follow your

natural feelings. Let yourself go.

I would be very happy to if you'd

give me a pair of pants to go in.

And if you went,

who would you go as?

I mean, who do you think

is the real you?

I've told you a hundred times!

I am Lieutenant Peter Stirling.

Serial number 0397124.

My papers were stolen and

I'm on a 30-day leave!

Mmm-hmm.

Donevan, you mentioned

somebody whom you claim

can substantiate

your schizophrenic...

I mean, your other self.

I...

Forget it. I've changed my mind.

Why?

Because you would just think

that I'm crazier than I am.

I mean, than you think I am.

Not necessarily.

Oh, now believe me, Doctor,

I've been admitted to some of the

best psychiatric wards here and abroad

on this little item.

What little item?

Francis. Francis?

Who is Francis?

Francis is a mule. He is a talking mule.

And he talks to me.

And when he talks to me,

even in his silliest moments,

he makes more sense than you do.

Appleby.

See that he's comfortable,

will you?

I am going to confer

with the Commander.

Hi, baby doll.

No! Baby doll.

Why, honey, what's the matter?

Aren't you feelin' good?

Appleby, how would you feel if

everybody thought you were crazy?

Do I seem crazy to you?

Mmm-hmm. Real crazy.

Look, now, Appleby, I told you before

that you are not the only girl in my life.

I mean, that every girl is

not the only girl in my life.

I mean, I didn't kiss you

at the movies.

Well, honey, somebody

did, like this.

Now, I refuse to accept these

attentions under false pretenses.

Now, look, I'm Lieutenant

Peter Stirling.

Serial number 031972...

Serial number 03971...

Honey, who counts?

Honey, I'll see you

at lunch time.

She was taking my pulse.

Some pulse.

Yeah, well, did you get the

information, Miss Kittredge?

Oh, I sure did, sweetie!

But first...

Well, Slicker!

That's not the way you kissed

me at the party Saturday night.

That must've been some party.

Now, now, then,

what did you find out?

Just as you thought. They

are working with a mule.

What kind of work?

Well, they're using the large

displacement amplitude oscillator

to test the stability

of animals in transport.

Well, how do they do that?

Take one mule and shake well.

Shut it off!

Sir?

Get that thing out of here!

Yes, sir.

It's been two days now and we still

haven't been able to get that reading!

That stupid jackass

just won't stop jiggling!

You know that sometimes I

think it does it intentionally?

It acts perfectly fine when

you take it off the oscilla...

The oscillator.

All right, Skipper.

Let's start the shakedown cruise.

Heave-h*!

Shut this off!

Do something! Don't stand there!

Shut it off!

Do you hear what I say?

Who, may I ask,

threw that switch?

Not I, sir.

Well, I assure you, I didn't do it.

Well, somebody threw...

No. No, it couldn't have.

And yet...

Oh, no, Doctor.

You're losing your grip.

We'll continue

this tomorrow, Doctor.

Yes, Doctor. It'll be

much better tomorrow.

This way, Doctor. No. Oh, no.

Francis! Well, whatta you know!

It's the boy idiot!

Come in the office.

Well, you can't imagine

what happened to me.

Yes, I can. They

put you in psycho.

Yes! They think I'm crazy! Well?

"Well?"

Are you waitin' for my opinion?

Well, certainly.

I mean, you gotta do somethin'!

Yeah, that's using the old head.

Now, why don't try

using the new one?

Pete, that's a joke.

Look, will you stop joking with me?

I'm in a terrible situation!

What do you think I'm in?

They've launched me on a

career in this man's navy.

Cold weather survival!

Seasick tests! The works!

Well, I told you

it's not my fault.

They keep insisting

I'm somebody else!

Why don't you quit

while you're winning?

You mean you're

not gonna help me?

Oh, I guess I'll have to.

'Cause you can't help me when

you're stuck in a hospital ward.

You bet I can't. Now, how do I get out?

Well, let's see.

I gather by the scuttlebutt,

they think you're Slicker

Donevan, bosun mate, huh?

Precisely!

Of course you keep

insisting that you ain't,

well, they think you've

slipped your trolley, uh?

Exactly! Now, what're

we gonna do about it?

Francis predicts!

All you have to do is admit

you're Slicker Donevan and presto!

You're out of the hospital!

Francis,

you've done it again!

I'll say!

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I'm out of the hospital

and into the Navy.

Oh, we'll worry about that

when we get there, yeah?

I'm worried about it right now.

Oh, Pete! Do as I say!

Admit you're Slicker

Donevan and act normal!

Come here. What?

One thing worries me.

How do we get you

to act normal, huh?

Thirteen. That's unlucky.

Okay, Slicker. Hey, Donevan!

Hmm?

At ease.

I want to take

this opportunity, Donevan,

to welcome you back

to your unit.

Well, thank you, sir!

I must, in all honesty,

say that your rapid recovery

has left doubt in some minds

as to your actual condition.

In fact, it has been suggested that

you might have been gold-bricking.

Oh, no, sir! Not a bit, sir!

Of course, in our unit, we know

that you're Navy, all Navy.

However, in deference to other

opinions, I feel compelled to warn you.

We've a high standard

to maintain, Donevan,

so don't get out

of line again, sailor.

If you do, I'll throw the book at you!

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

But if I may discuss this...

Dismissed.

Old Hutch read you the

riot act, huh? Yep.

Well, don't let it

get you down, kid.

It's all over now and

you're out of trouble.

Yep.

Now hear this!

All LCVP crews...

Hey, that's us. Come on.

Man your boats

for beaching drill!

Beaching drill?

Come on!

Slicker!

Slicker!

Hey! Whatta you know? Betsy.

Who? Oh, her.

Oh, Slicker! I'm so

glad you're okay again!

Hi, Murph. Hi, cookie.

What're you doin' here?

Didn't you tell him?

I had myself transferred

to the base hospital.

Someone has to keep

an eye on him.

Be careful, darling. All right, driver.

Don't forget, be careful.

Now hear this. Bye.

Now hear this. All LCVP crews man

your boats for beaching drill.

Hey, Slicker, let's knock on it.

Why, I didn't notice

before. She's lovely.

Yeah, she's a dish.

Oh, she's got everything.

Even rank.

And the way she kissed me.

Yeah, it should happen to me.

Come on.

Betsy. What a beautiful name.

Let's go!

Slicker, we've got a boat drill.

Huh?

You can see your sister later.

Oh, fine.

My sister?

Donevan, get in your

dungarees and shove off.

My sister?

Did you hear me? Oh, yes, sir.

I'm depending on you to bring

your boat in on the button!

Yes, sir! Bring my

boat in on the button!

Yes, sir! Bring my... My boat...

Bring my boat?

Lower all boats

to the rail!

What's the matter, Slicker?

Don't you feel good? Let's go.

Hey, cut it, Slicker!

Not yet!

Watch out!

Hey, Slicker.

We're goin' the wrong way.

Slicker, hard right!

Slicker! The beach!

Turn her around!

They're gonna swamp us!

Great ba*ls of fire!

He's coming in backwards!

Hold it, Donevan! Steady!

Don't drop the ramp!

Slicker! Slicker,

are you all right?

Oh, I guess

I'm still in the Navy.

And old Hutch is proud of you.

Proud of me?

They found the steering

cables were all twisted.

How you ever brought that

boat in at all is amazing.

A miracle of seamanship.

And there's only one fellow

in the whole outfit

who could've

brought her to the beach.

Who? Slicker Donevan.

Oh, him. I assure you

it was just an accident.

Well, it could've been a tragedy.

We were all worried sick.

And believe me, Donevan, they weren't

just worried about your health.

What does he mean?

What does he mean?

Well, we all pooled our

money and bet on the fight!

The fight?

You're gonna be the new

base welter-weight champ

or we're gonna be flat busted.

And how. We've bet a bundle!

We're gonna be rich!

Everything we own

is ridin' on you, Slicker.

The fight? Prize fight?

You can't!

I mean, I can't!

You said yourself

I've been sick!

I've been sick. Believe me now.

I'm not the man

that you think I am.

You'll lose all your money!

You might even lose me!

Slicker's right. Yeah!

We gotta take care of him until the

fight's over. And we start right now.

It's nap time for you, matey.

You've had a rough day.

Yeah, but I'm out of condition!

You'll have to relax. Relax.

I've got a glass jaw!

It's not even good glass!

We have the utmost confidence in you.

Now get some rest.

Just gotta get out of here.

I gotta...

I should never have

sold my barbells.

Hmm, so he's got muscles

and he's a w*r hero,

and the girls

are wild about him.

He's still crazy

and I'd rather be me.

Maybe I'm crazy.

How?

Blow the man down

Give me some time to blow.

Better oil up the old pipes.

I'd kick about these Navy c*ck

if I didn't think they'd kick back.

"Baa" yourself,

you seagoin' floor mop!

Eeny-meeny-miney-moe.

All right, Moe it's your turn.

Psst! Psst!

Wow! Pipe the foul weather gear!

They happen to be dress blues.

Look foul on you. Mmm.

Why, you actually sound like you're

enjoying yourself in the Navy.

Enjoyin' myself, cousin?

I've never eaten

better in my life.

And did you know that

after exposure to bad weather,

all the hands get

an extra ration of brandy?

Hey? Hey. Huh!

Well, I'm the one that's

out there being exposed

while you're in here

feathering your nest

without even a thought

of what's happening to me!

Well, I've had all I can take!

You poor, poor boy!

Few days in the Navy

and they break his spirit.

It's not a question of spirit.

It's against regulation.

I'm Army.

I don't care what you say!

I could be court-martialed!

Relax, chum. I've got the word.

There's a joint Army-Navy

operation cornin' up next week.

What about it?

Well, that's how

I got in. Remember?

Maybe that's how we'll get out.

Yeah?

Some of the Army

brass will be here

and you can make

your pitch directly to them.

Yeah, but that's next week.

In the meantime, I have to

fight the base boxing champ.

Ooh, my aching solar plexus!

Well, I'm not gonna

go through with it.

I'm getting out of here!

And when I'm out, I'll

see that you get out, too.

Thanks.

Now, is there any more

poop from the poop deck?

Uh... And stop that Navy talk.

Remember you're an Army mule.

Never forget it!

It's past your bedtime, Slicker.

Yah, pal. Don't you know

you're in training?

What's the matter, Slicker?

Aren't you feeling well?

You were talkin' to somebody.

I was? Yeah.

Who? Who were you talkin' to?

Well, I was talking...

I was talking to the mascot.

Mascot? What mascot?

Well, you can't go into

a fight without a mascot.

Well, can you?

Well, I don't know.

Fellas, fellas!

He wants a mascot.

So let's have a mascot. Sure.

Come on, Uncle Wiggly.

- Oh, not the goat. The mule.

- The mule?

Yes, the mule!

Go ahead, sailor.

Tie it real tight.

Gee, you you've got four horseshoes

on already. Isn't that enough?

You're, gonna need all

the luck you call get tonight.

Take my advice now, Pete. When you get

in there, stay in real close to him, huh?

Well, what do you mean?

Tie up his arms?

Well, it wouldn't look right

to tie up his legs.

Thank goodness, I've been able to

take care of that department for you!

How? I put dance

wax in the rosin.

What's rosin? Oh, that's

so your shoes won't slip.

I figured Bull Bostwick's footwork

could use some real smoothin' out!

Whose side are you on?

Oh, Pete! Wax...

Slicker! Come on!

Get ready! It's time.

Yeah. Come on. Let's get this over

with and pick up our winnings.

I'm afraid all you're

gonna pick up is me.

Aw, you're in great shape.

You may have lost a

little weight, that's all.

Yeah, come on.

You, too, flannel ears.

Slicker, boy! This is it, Murph.

You better sit down.

Be careful, Slicker. This baby's

had four straight knockouts.

Remember that.

Yeah, remember that.

If I forget, I'm sure

he'll remind me.

Now, boys, you know the rules,

so give me a nice clean fight.

Shake hands and come out

fighting at the bell. Good luck.

Let's go, Slicker.

Come on, Slicker.

Mmm-hmm.

Come on, Slicker.

Three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight, nine...

What's the matter?

No wonder you were slipping.

Try to nail him

in the next round.

I'll try. He's going

by me awfully fast.

Gotta do something about that.

Don't let him hit you like that!

Oh!

Awful short. You said it.

Why'd you hit the bell?

What's wrong?

I tell you I didn't

hit the bell.

Somebody hit the bell.

He's gonna need more help.

I think you better stay away from

him until you get your wind back.

Yeah, stay away from him.

Stay away from him.

You're doing great, Slicker!

Just great!

We'll get him, Slicker.

Next round, next round.

Wait till next round. Atta boy!

Gee, fellows.

Thanks a lot.

Where's my hammer?

Where's my hammer?

My hammer!

Oh, my mistake.

Stop running!

He took me literally!

Hey, you.

One, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven...

Get up!

Eight, nine, 10...

Stay away, hit him.

Come on, Slicker.

Snap out of it.

Yeah, but it's all my fault

you guys lost all your money.

What's money? When you take

a beating, we take a beating.

We're shipmates, aren't we?

Besides we can borrow from Tate.

He probably bet

on Bull Bostwick.

I'm afraid I wasn't that bright.

You mean you bet on Slicker?

Well, we're shipmates,

aren't we?

See?

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Main...

Tain.

Course...

And speed.

Now hold it, Francis, I'm a little rusty.

You're sending too fast.

Ch...

Oh, I'll never get

the hang of this stuff.

Where's that Navy spirit?

A minute ago, you were all

chocked up about your buddies.

Shipmates to the end!

Well, they're a great bunch of guys.

Uh-huh.

Funny, after what happened,

they still think I'm great, too.

Yeah.

Well, wait till they find out you

can't tell a binnacle from a barnacle.

Well, that's just it.

Our outfit has

a reputation to live up to.

Our? Our outfit? I mean theirs.

They deserve to know the truth

before I louse them up again.

Well, they're stuck with you,

that is, until the Army gets here.

And Just so that you don't

foul up the Navy beyond repair,

let's hit that Bluejacket

Manual again, huh?

All right, sir. Now, what's

a nautical mile? Hmm?

A nautical mile is, uh, is 2,000 yards.

Mmm-hmm.

Or a minute of latitude measured

along a meridian of longitude.

Mmm-hmm.

Shh. Hey.

Hey, what're you doin' here?

We been lookin'

all over for you.

Yeah, all liberties

have been canceled.

Big deal cornin' up.

Lots of scuttlebutt,

but no one seems to know

what it's all about.

Well, it's a landing exercise up

the coast, joint Army and Navy.

We're in for a rough week.

How come you know all that?

Yeah, what gives?

Yeah, well, Francis told me.

Who's she? Francis?

Yeah, yeah...

Well, Francis... I've...

Oh, skip it. Skip it.

Yes, I...

Well, I tried to tell

you fellows before

that things just

aren't what they seem.

That I'm not who

I'm supposed to be,

but I will be next week,

and then you'll know.

But until then, I want you

to know that I'll try to

live up to

the standards of our...

I mean, your crew,

and I know how important

this is to you.

Well, even though

I'm an Army officer, I...

I want you to know that I

think the Navy's great, too.

And well, you've...

And that's all.

Did you hear what he said?

It doesn't make sense.

He's not in his right mind.

He's crazy.

Even in his right mind,

he's crazy.

We are about to start intensive

training for Operation Sandlot.

This supersedes

all previous orders.

For the next three days,

all hand will engage

in practice drills,

both morning and afternoon.

The boat crews will be

scored on the point system,

as designed by BuShips.

Navy, all Navy!

La cucaracha, la cucaracha

Ya no puede caminar.

Porque no tiene

Porque la falta.

Hey! Hooray!

Betsy! Betsy,

I'm sorry I'm late. I...

Betsy? Who's Betsy?

Well, Betsy's Slicker's sister.

I asked her to meet me here

so you could, uh...

So you could look her over.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Hey, Pete. What?

Flip the switch

on that Mixmaster.

Ah, feel pretty good.

Gotta get in shape for that big

"Operation Sandlot" tomorrow.

Don't tell me you

want to go along.

Now what's wrong with a nice

little ocean voyage, huh?

Well, I was thinking... Oh?

Maybe I'd delay presenting my case to

the Army brass until after the operation.

Now, ain't you just kinda

changing your tune?

Huh?

Oh, yeah I guess you're right.

Yeah.

That's silly. Mmm-hmm.

I'd better get out of the

Navy while I can. Hmm.

Yeah, but when Betsy gets here, you've

gotta help me convince her who I am.

Shh. Hi.

Slicker Donevan. It's you!

Oh, my achin' back!

There can't be two of you.

Well, Mr. Donevan, perhaps

you can explain your actions?

Now, don't make a big

thing of it, I'm back.

You look just fine. Everything's

gonna be just dandy,

I am not fine, and everything

is not gonna be just dandy!

Now, simmer down,

Lieutenant. Take it easy.

I shall do nothing of the sort.

I have no intention of...

Shh!

That's better.

Give him time. He'll calm down.

You know him?

Know him? Nursed him

through the Army for years!

Now, see here, sailor! Don't try

to minimize what you've done!

You've committed a crime

against the Navy and the Army!

And you're gonna be punished.

Eager beaver, huh?

He can't help it.

It's his character.

You bet it is!

You bet it is!

I...

Why...

You're talking to Francis!

To a mule!

So I'm talkin' to a mule.

Yeah,

but aren't you amazed?

I mean, everybody knows

that mules don't talk!

Well, apparently this one does.

Yeah, well... Well,

I know this one does.

But why should you believe it?

You believe it, don't you?

Well, yes but I've been in and out

of psycho wards so many times, I...

Well, who hasn't?

Well, I know, but...

Well, that doesn't

change anything!

What you did was a

terrible, despicable...

I know.

And I'm willing to

take my medicine.

You bet you are. Ha! You are?

Well, certainly!

They can't run a Navy with men busting

regulations all over the place.

You're a fine one to say that!

And I'll say more!

Not only am I here

to apologize to you,

but I'm also giving you the

privilege of turning me in.

Thirty years in the brig

should make me mend my ways.

Thirty years?

Well, what you did

wasn't that bad.

Why, it was despicable!

I inconvenienced an officer

of the United States Army.

Bread and water's

too good for me.

Well, Lieutenant,

I'm your prisoner.

Shall we shove off?

Well?

Well, all right, but...

Well, all right!

See you when I get out, Francis.

Hmm.

Gee, you're a mighty

intelligent-lookin' mule.

Hold on there! Come back here!

Come here, Pete.

Well? I'm ashamed of you.

Ashamed of me?

Well, what did I...

He's the one!

Doin' this to a fine

young man, a w*r hero.

I'm sorry, but regulations

are regulations! Aw.

You're gonna see

that he gets the book?

You bet I am.

Why, he perpetrated a...

A harmless fling.

That's all it was.

If you want to be a good

guy, you could just scram now

and nobody'd be the wiser.

Go? After what he did?

Who did it hurt?

So you learned a

little about the Navy.

A little? I can do

anything he can do.

You can scram now, Lieutenant.

But what about him?

Oh, the bosun's mate?

We'll get

along just dandy.

Uh, come here, mate. Hmm.

Okay. That's okay with me.

That's okay with me.

Oh, uh, Lieutenant.

This is for your officer's

pack at the bus depot.

Slicker, I'm sorry I'm late...

Hi, sis.

Uh, there are two of you!

That's right. One of

me and one of him.

Now that's what I've been

tryin' to tell you!

Hey...

You must be Betsy, huh?

Well... Who said that?

I did. Me.

But you're a mule. That's right.

I've got some news for you.

Hey, you're plenty cute.

Oh! Oh... Hold on, sis.

Betsy.

Uh, Betsy, say something.

She'll be all right.

We'll take care of her.

Get lost, Lieutenant.

Hey? What're you... Wait a minute!

What is it?

Let me out of here.

Take your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

Okay, Slicker. Hit the deck.

Keep your meter running!

I'm not staying long!

Oh, no! Come on.

Oh, no! Not again! Yep again.

He's all yours.

I don't get it, Murph.

I just saw him.

Lieutenant Anders assigned

him to secure the sea bags.

Slicker, how do

you do it so fast?

Organization.

No... Git! Git!

You don't want to just stand out

here in your skivvies, do you?

No... Git! Git!

No... Git!

Now stay with it.

Try and remember. You've got a job to do.

And so do we.

We can't be watching you

all the time.

Let's go.

Hi! What's new?

Interesting development.

Hmm, fascinating.

I should have given myself up.

Then what's stopping you?

You mean you'd let me?

Hah! I'm urging you.

And where do you think

you're going?

I'm gonna spill

the beans to old Hutch.

That's the least I can do

to make up for the trouble

I've caused

a swell guy like you.

Say goodbye to good old Francis.

I'm sure some day he'll understand

why we're doing it this way.

Uh, Slicker!

You don't have to. I'll make

another try at breaking out.

Francis would never

forgive me if I didn't.

Oh, sure, he would!

He thinks you're tops.

Why, he said so when you left.

He did? Yeah!

That's why I want to

settle this thing right now.

Uh, wait a second.

Your sister would hate me!

Well, if you feel like you

just want to up and go,

you'd better get

some clothes on.

Try dark glasses this time.

Now get dressed.

Hurry up!

Duck!

At ease, Donevan. What happened?

I broke

a mirror, sir.

Seven years. Well,

get that gear secured.

The trucks are waiting.

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Anders, see that

Donevan gets that gear loaded.

Yes, sir.

Well, what do we do now?

We? It's your turn this time.

Donevan! BOTH: Yes, sir!

This is no time for primping!

Yes, sir!

Let's get a move on, Donevan.

Now get this gear outta here.

I'll send some men

in to help you.

Yes, sir.

Hey.

Now's your chance.

Get outta here!

Hey! You're out

of uniform! Your shirt!

Those bags right there.

What are you doing over there?

Hmm?

Oh, well, I...

Good evening, sir.

Give a hand here. Yes, sir.

Oh. Here, let me help you.

Okay.

Slicker, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

Hey! Slicker, wake up, will ya?

Wake up, we we've

got a job to do. I...

Oh, my goodness!

Betsy. What am I doin' here?

What happened?

Shh! Slicker, you've had a bad

fall, but everything's all right.

Then why am I wrapped up

like a mummy?

I registered you as Lieutenant

Peter Stirling, automobile casualty,

until after the operation.

Oh. What operation?

Operation Sandlot.

Holy cats! Where's my uniform?

Get me out of this wrapper!

Slicker, it's too late.

Peter's already

taken your place!

But why?

If he does anything to foul up that

operation, we'll both be court-martialed!

Why did he do it?

Because you would have been

court-martialed if he didn't!

Now the least you

can do is cooperate.

Until he gets back, you're

Lieutenant Peter Stirling!

He hasn't got a chance.

He'll be m*rder*d!

as*ault boats in

successive waves will land troops

to establish a defense perimeter

for the supply waves to follow.

Before the supply waves,

however,

a Duck will be

dispatched to the beach,

manned by Donevan and the crew.

On the Duck will be radio

equipment to be used

by the Beach master to

coordinate the whole operation

for landing supplies,

I cannot overstress the importance

of this assignment, Donevan.

Getting your boat to the

right spot on the beach

before the supply waves come in

is the key to

the whole operation.

Are you sure we're

on course, Slicker?

Course and speed unchanged.

If the tide is running through, we

should hit the beach in exactly...

Nineteen minutes.

Hey! I think I hear surf.

Yeah! I feel a ground swell!

The beach must be dead ahead.

Precisely.

On the button.

Great work, Slicker!

You did it again!

See anybody?

I don't even hear anybody.

It is rather quiet.

It's a peculiar quiet.

The troops must be here.

Unless they hit the wrong beach.

Yeah. Or unless we...

Oh, no. We couldn't have.

You sure?

Why, it's impossible. I checked

the compass every foot of the way.

Could the compass

have gone haywire?

Not unless there was some foreign

piece of metal In the boat.

But I checked it thoroughly.

What's that?

What's the matter?

It's a horseshoe.

A horseshoe? A horseshoe?

Yeah. For luck.

Any sign of the troops that way?

None. How about you?

I wonder where we are.

I saw them! I saw them!

Hey, I saw them from up there!

They're 10 miles down the

beach around that bluff!

No wonder we

couldn't see the task force.

The last wave of troops

are just starting their run!

We can still make it before

the supplies come in!

Well, what are we waiting for?

Hold it.

Look. At six knots,

it'll take us two hours to get

around that big hunk of rock.

Wait a minute!

This baby travels 45 miles

an hour, on land.

Then what are we waiting for?

Let's hit the road!

Oh, no!

It we don't get there in half an hour,

we'd better not get there at all.

How does it look, Jonesy?

I can't see.

I'd better go forward

and take a sighting.

We're fouled up!

Side road...

Off starboard!

Get ahead of that car!

Hey, we're losin' Jonesy!

Pull over!

I can't!

Don't worry about me.

Keep goin'.

Navy. All Navy.

What's that?

Why, it looks like a mule, sir.

I know It's a mule! But what's

it doing in an as*ault wave?

Well, I don't know, sir.

But the Navy's always coming

up with something new.

Well, even the Navy wouldn't

develop an amphibious mule!

Signal the control ship!

Request information!

Yes, sir.

A mule?

Your Duck is nowhere

in sight, Commander.

It's got to be. It was

sent in with time to spare.

What's this?

A mule landed with

the as*ault troops?

Do you know anything

about this, Commander?

It... It had

a priority number, sir.

A mule? In an

amphibious operation?

We'll certainly want a report

on this, Commander, will we not?

Yes, sir.

And, as for your missing Duck...

It must be there.

Indeed it must, before the first

supply wave hits the beach.

My top coxswain's

in that boat, sir.

He doesn't know

the meaning of failure.

Hurry up, Slicker.

We're losin' time.

I can see the ocean here, but

I can't find where we are.

Maybe we better use a sextant.

Maybe we ought to ask somebody.

Hi, there, sailor!

Uh, you're not allowed

up here, sonny.

I wanna join the Navy!

You're too young for the Navy.

I'll be six next Wednesday.

Yeah, well, then,

come back Wednesday.

I'm havin' a party!

Then come back Thursday!

I can't! I'm havin'

a piano lesson.

Look, why don't you

get lost like we are?

Oh, uh, excuse me, sir!

Maybe you can help us!

Maybe. Where's the ocean?

Which ocean? The Pacific.

Which part?

Well, any part.

The outer edge will do.

Which part? What's the matter with you?

You stupid?

Well, I ain't lost!

Hey, you. You'll have to get

this vehicle off the street.

Yeah, we're

trying to, sir.

What is this,

a recruiting stunt?

Oh, no, sir. It's no stunt.

We're looking for the ocean.

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Well, I don't like wise guys.

Now get moving. Yes, sir.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hold on there! Just what

do you think you're doin'?

Shove off! I'll take

care of everything!

Come on, get down

from there, will ya?

Hey, come back here!

Tally-h*! Yoo-hoo!

Hey, sailor!

Francis! Who else?

Gee, am I ever glad to see you?

Yeah.

Wanna sell a Duck?

What happened to your crew?

Huh? Oh, they're overboard.

And the motor conked out.

Ever thought of calling the

automobile club? I'm not a member.

That's not very funny.

Has it occurred to you that

you might be out of gas?

Gas”?

Oh, gosh, that's it.

I'm so stupid

I could k*ll myself!

Stop wastin' time.

Get a hold of some rope. Yeah.

Rope? We gotta get

this to a gas station,

or would you rather wait

until civilization reaches us?

You mean pull it? Why not?

We're a team, right? Right.

A mule and a jackass, right?

Right.

Takes one to know one.

Any sign of your

Duck, Commander?

This is Just the first

supply wave, sir.

We haven't reached

the beach yet.

The duck will be there

ahead of us, I hope.

Pete, take this junk off me, will you?

Hey, fill her up.

Hey, I just happened to think.

Oh?

I don't have any money.

No loot? Oh, my aching back.

Yeah, but what are we gonna do?

Well, don't look at me. I left

my wallet in my other suit.

Oh, gee! I... Well...

Hey! Hold it, mister!

Uh, hold it!

Say, what is this? w*r surplus?

Not yet, but it will be and so will

I, if I don't get to the beach fast.

Look, could you trust me

for five gallons? No trust.

Cash on the line. Yeah,

but this is very important.

Absolutely no! Yeah, but if you...

I have a...

Look you're blocking my pumps.

Now get this

contraption outta here

and take that stupid-lookin'

animal with you!

Hmm?

You shouldn't have said that.

Oh, no? Well, I'll say it again.

That lop-eared overgrown

muskrat hauled you in here,

- and he can haul you out of here.

- Mmm-hmm.

All right, sir, but you're

not being very patriotic.

Oh!

Get a bucket!

Kid, we struck oil.

Get another bucket!

What'll I do with it?

Empty it.

Empty it? Where? Where?

Empty it in

the gas tank, stupid.

Uh, in the gas tank? Oh. Hurry.

Get another bucket!

Hurry up, get another bucket!

Got a match?

The beach! We've made it.

Watch it, boy! Boy, Pete!

Throw out the anchor!

I'm too young to die! Hey!

I'll get us out of this.

Pete, nail this booby-trap down.

Yeah. Okay.

On the double, boy!

Just a minute, Francis.

Somebody call me a cab!

Oh!

Just be calm, Francis.

Just be calm.

Now he tells me.

Hey, wait!

Here we go! Geronimo!

Francis, hold it!

Hold it, Francis!

Geronimo! Wait! Wait!

Spread out, kids!

Oh, look out there! Look out!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop this thing, will you?

Francis!

Stop it! Stop it!

Heck no! I like it!

Hey!

Now I've seen everything.

Well, they'll probably

check my driver's license.

I'm not gonna ask how it

happened nor why, Commander.

I couldn't explain it

if you did, sir.

Obviously, it's bigger

than both of us.

Yes, sir.

Francis, are you all right?

I don't know how

it happened, Donevan,

nor why, but well done!

Thank you, sir.

You got a great

outfit there, son.

Stay with it.

Don't worry, Francis.

I'm a sea-going traveler from now on.

Well, so long, mate.

So long, mate.

Oh, uh, take care of Peter, huh.

Looks like your sister's, taking

charge of him right now, yeah.

Bye.

Well, let's go, Betsy.

I wonder if we'll

ever see him again.

Maybe.

Slicker!

Francis! Yeah?

Francis! Yeah?

Well, just don't stand there.

Throw me a line.

I would if I could think of one.