Francis Goes to the Races (1951)

[bunniefuu]

[Humming]

[Stops humming]

- Is this the animal?

- Yes, sir, this is Francis.

Wake up, fellow.

I've brought our bank president,

Mr. Munroe, out to meet you.

He's heard stories, thought I might be

crazy. So I want you to put his mind at rest.

It's your mind that needs rest,

not mine, young man.

If that stupid-looking thing has a thought

in its head, let alone talks...

then I'm a jackass, too!

Here we go again.

[Peppy instrumental music]

I still don't see why

Mr. Munroe had to fire me.

Well, what do you expect, a medal?

I'm sure in a mess this time.

If there was a mess

anywhere, you'd be in it.

I've told you a million times,

the minute you open your mouth about me...

you put your foot in it.

- You think you had nothing to do with it.

- Well, that's what I say...

as long as I'm around you're gonna keep

getting yourself into more trouble. Pete?

PETE: What?

FRANCIS: What do you say let's split up?

No. If we get separated again,

we might never find each other.

FRANCIS: That's bad?

[Francis chuckling]

[Soothing instrumental music]

PETE: Francis.

FRANCIS: What is it now?

- Can't we rest a while? I'm getting tired.

- Every day the same thing.

When you were a second looey,

you could hike 40 miles.

But now 11 measly miles, look at you.

[Comical instrumental music]

Now, Francis, you shouldn't do that.

That's private property.

FRANCIS: Let them sue me. Yeah.

FRANCIS: Get in there.

[Car approaching]

- Want a ride?

- Yeah!

- Hop in.

- Thanks.

PETE: I have a friend with me.

MAN: Well, he can ride in the back.

Well, he's not exactly a friend.

I mean, he's a friend, but he's

not exactly. That's him over there.

[Braying]

[Stuttering]

You'll never learn.

[Horse whinnies]

[Exclaims in approval]

FRANCIS: Hi!

[Horse snorts]

FRANCIS: Come here, fellow.

[Horse whinnies]

FRANCIS: Well, I'll be doggoned.

[Horse whinnying]

FRANCIS: You don't say?

Pete, come here!

This is great news!

What is it, Francis?

Remember me telling you about my

Great Aunt Regret who won the Derby?

PETE: Yes.

FRANCIS: Well, this is Sir Gallant.

His great aunt and my great aunt

were sisters!

Oh!

How do you do? I'm glad to know you.

- Does he talk?

- Whoever heard of a talking horse?

- Well, I mean, you talk...

- Well?

I don't happen to be a horse.

FRANCIS: Be that as it may, Pete, Sir Gallant

has invited me to be his houseguest...

FRANCIS: So I'll be seeing you.

PETE: Francis, you're not leaving me!

- That sums it up. Come on, cuz.

- But where will I go? What'll I do?

FRANCIS: For the love of Burma mud!

I nursed you through the w*r.

FRANCIS: How long do you expect me

to keep it up?

I wouldn't be in this trouble

if you didn't know how to talk!

FRANCIS: Well, that's just

what I been saying.

FRANCIS: Well, meet me here in the morning.

But, Francis...

[Sir Gallant snorting]

Yeah.

He says there's a motel

about a mile down the road.

PETE: Now, Francis...

FRANCIS: Adios, Pete!

[Francis whoops]

[Sir Gallant whinnies]

[Pleasant instrumental music]

[Horse whinnying]

[Rooster crowing]

[Quizzical instrumental music]

PETE: Francis?

[Slow instrumental music]

Francis.

WOMAN: Hello!

WOMAN: Hello there.

PETE: Were you calling me?

WOMAN: Were you calling me?

- No. I was calling Francis.

- Well, I'm Frances. Frances Travers.

You're Frances with an "E."

I was calling Francis with an "I."

Well, I know every stable boy in the place,

and we don't have any Francis.

Well, he's not a boy.

I mean, he is a boy, but he isn't.

PETE: He's a mule.

FRANCES: A mule?

- Is he one with the striped brow band?

- That's right.

He was here. One of our

thoroughbreds took a liking to him...

wouldn't do a thing

unless the mule was with him.

PETE: Where are they?

FRANCES: Well, they were shipped out.

- But I had an appointment with him.

- An appointment? With a mule?

I mean, I figured he'd be here.

FRANCES: I'm sorry. We thought

he was one of our mules.

We sent him along with Sir Gallant

to the track.

- The track?

- Why, yes, the racetrack.

We've moved most of our stable there.

I'm on my way there now.

FRANCES: I'd be glad to drive you.

PETE: You would?

FRANCES: You can keep your appointment.

PETE: Thank you.

Mr. Stirling, I was thinking.

Since Sir Gallant has become so attached

to your mule...

and we do want to keep our racehorses

happy, would you consider selling?

Sell Francis? I couldn't.

Well, I'm sure my grandfather

would pay you a generous price.

I couldn't sell him. He

doesn't belong to me.

Well, whose mule is he?

- He isn't anyone's. We're just friends.

- Friends? You and a mule?

Well, we met in Burma in the army,

and we've been together ever since.

You don't think it's peculiar,

my being so fond of a mule, do you?

Of course not.

We feel the same way about Sir Gallant.

He's like one of the family.

We bred him, and we raised him...

and now we have him entered into

the $100,000 handicap.

- That's nice. I hope he wins.

- It's terribly important to us.

- Do you like horses, Mr. Stirling?

- Yes. I never miss a Western movie.

- You'd love Sir Gallant.

- And you'd be crazy about Francis.

- He's so intelligent.

- Who, Francis?

Why, no, Sir Gallant.

He does everything but talk.

- Francis does everything.

- You mean, everything but talk.

No. Yes. Of course.

Those are our stalls over there.

Your mule should be somewhere

around here.

[Horse whinnies]

That's Butcherman.

He's by Great Chief out of Little Runaway.

By Great Chief out of Little Runaway?

And here's Dairy Queen.

She's a half-sister of Hamaneggs.

Is that so?

SAM: Good morning, Miss Travers!

FRANCES: Good morning, Sam.

FRANCES: That's Oakwood Gal.

She's nominated for the big handicap...

- but I think Grandpa's going to scratch her.

- Scratch her?

- Well, she ought to enjoy that.

- Enjoy it?

- I had a puppy once that just loved to be...

- You don't understand.

We're taking her out of the big race. She

turned out to be a great disappointment.

I'm sorry.

Lots of early speed,

but she just couldn't last the distance.

But Sir Gallant's just the opposite.

He's a great stretch runner.

Stretch runner?

You know, he starts slowly

but he finishes fast.

It's funny, because they're full brother

and sister.

Then she must be related to Francis, too!

Oakwood Gal, a thoroughbred horse,

related to a mule?

Oh, yeah. Her great aunt

and Francis' great aunt, they...

Really, Mr. Stirling.

Really, if you'd...

Grandpa, what's wrong?

I'm afraid Betsey Sue

isn't going to run tomorrow.

No! Is it anything serious?

- We don't know. We can't figure it out.

- In my opinion, it's sidebone.

There's an ossification of the side gristle

of the coffin bone.

I don't agree. I think it's

definitely a navicular disease.

That's impossible, Dr. Marberry.

There seems to be an inflammation

of the shuttlebone...

with involvement of the flexor tendon

and bursae.

PETE: Sam, where would I find Sir Gallant?

Where would you find the favourite

but in the best stall at the track?

- The first one, down there.

- Thank you.

Yeah.

- Francis!

- No.

Francis, am I glad to see you!

For the love of mud. I thought I lost you.

I was worried about you. Are you all right?

FRANCIS: Am I all right?

FRANCIS: Hey, hey.

- What are you doing in Sir Gallant's stall?

- Any idea where I could shack up fancier?

PETE: What about Sir Gallant?

FRANCIS: What about me?

FRANCIS: I provide him with a certain

rather obvious type of companionship...

he provides me with facilities

to live in the style I enjoy.

As the old saying goes, Petey-boy,

I'm eating high on that hog.

PETE: But where is Sir Gallant?

FRANCIS: Next door.

FRANCIS: I told him, being the guest,

I'm entitled to the best room.

- You should not impose upon your relatives.

- Impose?

The trouble with Sir Gallant

is he's too polite.

That's one habit I'll have to break him of,

but not until I'm ready to leave...

- which is a good idea for you.

- What's a good idea?

FRANCIS: For you to hightail it home

and try and get your job back at the bank.

- They're not gonna let you stay here forever.

- Why not?

People around here

are even dumber than Sir Gallant.

Look at all that fuss about Betsey Sue.

Ain't nothing wrong with her.

PETE: Betsey Sue happens to be sick.

FRANCIS: Sick?

FRANCIS: She's got a little splinter

in her neck. But will they take it out? No.

FRANCIS: They'll stick needles in her and fill

her so full of pills, she'll really be sick.

FRANCIS: Well, been a nice visit, Pete.

Drop me a line sometime.

Well, if that's the way you want it.

[Dog barking]

Goodbye.

Come back here.

FRANCIS: You can't get a bus home ill

tomorrow. Where will you spend the night?

PETE: Well, I...

FRANCIS: Better check into the Briar Motel.

FRANCIS: Strictly a fleabag,

but it beats that haystack.

FRANCIS: Pete,

I think I'll be taking my siesta.

[Yawning]

[Singing] La cucaracha, la cucaracha.

Ya no puede caminar

Porque no tiene.

[Yawns]

This should relieve the pain.

PETE: Excuse me.

FRANCES: I'd forgotten about you.

I wanted to thank you

for driving me down here.

I'm afraid I've been rather rude...

but we've all been so worried

about Betsey Sue's condition.

You shouldn't worry.

There's nothing wrong with her.

- What's that, young man?

- She has just a tiny splinter in her neck.

Just a tiny splinter in her neck. Indeed.

Young man, are you a vet?

- Yes, sir. Eighteen months in Burma.

- No. I mean, are you a veterinarian?

- No, sir.

- I'm sorry. We're busy.

Just a minute. Dr. Marberry,

do you have a pair of tweezers?

Thank you.

[Shorts]

FRANCES: Look.

[Betsey Sue whinnies]

- Well, I'll be...

- Incredible.

Mr. Stirling, you're wonderful.

I've lived among horses all my life.

I've never seen anything like that before.

- How could you possibly know?

- Well, I... It's...

[Comical instrumental music]

- Please, don't ask me.

- Don't ask you?

I mean, I'd rather not say, sir.

[Stuttering]

"Mr. Stirling, you're wonderful."

[Romantic instrumental music]

"Mr. Stirling, you're wonderful."

"Mr. Stirling..."

FRANCIS: You're nuts.

Francis!

- What a dump!

- What are you doing here, Francis?

FRANCIS: Must be the mother instinct in me.

How much money you got?

- More than $20.

- How much more?

- A Little more.

- How much?

$20.04.

Well, that ain't gonna last you long.

Do you know how to put a bet on a horse.

Why?

"Cause you need some dough,

and I'm gonna get you some.

In the fourth race tomorrow,

Betsey Sue is the favourite.

- You want me to bet on her?

- No.

- She ain't gonna win.

- How do you know?

She's emotionally frustrated.

She's what?

Literally translated,

Betsey Sue is carrying a torch.

What are you talking about?

FRANCIS: She went and fell in love

with a plug named Shelby...

and last week

they shipped him to Bay Meadows.

FRANCIS: Betsey Sue hasn't got any more

interest in running than you have.

How do you know all this?

By the tail of my Great Aunt Regret,

who won the Derby...

don't you think I know my way around?

PETE: Francis. FRANCIS: Huh?

Do you mean to say

that the horses talk over the races?

[Francis murmurs in agreement]

FRANCIS: It's Sudden Storm by six lengths.

[Bugle playing call to the post]

Yeah?

- Five tickets on Sudden Storm, please.

- What's the number?

PETE: Just Sudden Storm. I don't know.

MAN: Number 11.

- And that's the way she'll finish.

- Five tickets on 11. $10.

PETE: Thank you.

FRANCES: Why, Mr. Stirling.

PETE: Miss Travers!

You ran off yesterday

without giving us a chance to thank you.

- This is my grandfather Col. Travers.

- How do you do?

That was the most amazing thing

I've ever seen in my life.

- How is Betsey Sue feeling?

- Fit as a fiddle.

- I hope you're going to have a bet on her.

- Well, no, sir.

Why not? She's a full second faster

than anything in the race.

In her last four, she carried six more,

won three and placed once.

- My goodness.

- We'd better bet before we're shut out.

Yeah. How much should it be? $200 to win?

- Only $2007?

- All right, we'll make it $400.

- But, sir, I'm afraid you'll be sorry.

- Sorry?

Yes, Betsey Sue isn't

going to win this race.

That's a matter of opinion.

That's what makes horse racing.

It's not an opinion.

Sudden Storm is gonna win by six lengths.

- Well, how do you know?

- Well, Betsey Sue won't even try.

FRANCES: Won't try?

TRAVERS: Why not?

Well, she's emotionally frustrated.

Emotionally frustrated? A horse?

Come, my dear.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Starting for home,

it's Betsey Sue by a nose.

[Crowd cheering]

In the stretch,

it's Betsey Sue and Sudden Storm.

Now it's Sudden Storm taking the lead!

It's Sudden Storm by two, by three...

by four lengths,

Galloping Jim and Betsey Sue.

And down to the finish line, it's

Sudden Storm, the winner by six lengths!

Galloping Jim is second,

Lanky Lad is third, Betsey Sue is fourth.

- Some race, huh?

- Yeah, some race.

Mind you, Damer,

there may not be anything to it...

but it was more than strange

the way he called that race.

Now, Grandpa,

I think it's just a coincidence.

I don't know, Miss Travers,

but we'll soon find out.

- Pretty big haul you made there, fellow?

- Yes, sir.

I think you ought to come along

and have a little talk with the Chief.

The Chief? Chief who? Who are you?

What does he want with me?

I haven't done anything!

- Who, me?

- You.

[Stuttering]

So you knew Betsey Sue

wasn't going to win.

PETE: Yes, sir.

You knew Sudden Storm was going to win

by exactly six lengths?

Yes, sir.

He cashed five tickets

on Sudden Storm, Chief.

- $100 tickets?

- No, two.

- $2?

- Yeah.

- What's your name?

- Peter Stirling.

CHIEF: Been at the track long?

PETE: Since yesterday.

- Ever seen him before?

- Not me, Chief.

- You a professional tout?

- A what, Chief? Sir?

A tout. Tipster.

Where'd you get your information?

What information?

Why were you so certain

Betsey Sue wouldn't win that race?

Well, she's emotionally frustrated.

- She's what?

- Well, she's carrying a torch.

A torch?

- Young man, you are talking about a horse?

- Yes, sir.

Frustrated? All right, wise guy,

what are you trying to pull?

CHIEF: Steady.

PETE: On account of Shelby.

- Who?

- Betsey Sue fell in love with Shelby.

Now he's gone,

and she's emotionally frustrated.

This guy is nuts.

Young man, 10 years with the FBI,

six years at this track...

and that's the most ridiculous statement

I ever heard.

DAMER: Give me five minutes with him...

FRANCES: Just a moment, gentlemen.

There was a horse named Shelby

around the track.

You remember, that big bay stallion

with the Peppertree Stables.

Yes, I do. He was shipped north

about a week ago.

Right after he left,

Betsey Sue went off her feed.

And that's true, too.

CHIEF: You don't believe...

TRAVERS: I don't know what to believe.

TRAVERS: All I know

is the filly wasn't trying.

Young man, did you ever work for

the Peppertree Stables?

- The who, sir?

- He couldn't have.

I've never seen him before.

Then how did you know about Betsey Sue

and Shelby?

And who told you Sudden Storm

was going to win?

- Who told you she'd win by six lengths?

- Yeah, who told you?

I can't tell you. I promised.

- Tell us whom you promised.

- Well, I can't.

CHIEF: Why not? PETE: I

promised, and I just can't tell you.

All right, young man. That'll be all.

PETE: You mean I can go?

I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble.

You're not just gonna let him walk out,

are you, Chief?

Either that kid's a complete

nincompoop or a great actor.

- It's your job to find out which.

- All right.

But if you ask me,

I think the kid's got rocks in his head.

Mr. Harrington.

If that boy's working with a gambling ring,

well, that's your department.

But if he's on the level...

I desperately need a man who understands

horses the way he seems to.

So if you don't mind,

I'll keep an eye on him myself.

TRAVERS: Come, my dear.

You really know horses, don't you?

- I've met a few.

- I bet you have.

You know their moods, their whims.

I suppose that's why you knew

that Sudden Storm was going to win.

When a man understands horses...

inside he senses those things,

doesn't he, my boy?

I suppose so.

Stirling, I'm going to put

my cards on the table.

For years I've been trying to win

the big $100,000 handicap.

So far, I haven't even been in the money.

This year I've got the favourite.

- I know. Sir Gallant.

- Yes.

Only this time,

it isn't just a matter of prestige.

I've made some very bad business

investments and lost a lot of money.

- I need the winner's share of the purse.

- I'd like to help you, but...

You can help. If anything

was to go wrong with Sir Gallant...

I'd need someone around who understands

what goes on inside horses:

What bothers them mentally,

what makes them tick.

PETE: Well...

FRANCES: Please, Mr. Stirling.

It would mean so much to us.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Travers, but I...

It would? Well, I...

Would it?

[Soft instrumental music]

Francis.

FRANCIS: Huh?

No. This must be an optical illusion.

[Shushing]

FRANCIS: "Shh," my foot.

FRANCIS: I thought you were

on your way home.

FRANCIS: Didn't you bet on Sudden Storm?

PETE: Yeah, I did.

FRANCIS: So what are you doing here?

PETE: Gonna work here.

FRANCIS: Says which?

I said I am going to work here.

I told Miss Travers

what was wrong with Betsey Sue...

- and now they think I'm a horse expert.

- You're an expert, all right.

I couldn't tell the truth,

I promised you I wouldn't.

FRANCIS: Couldn't you turn the job down

without any explanation?

Well, I started to, but...

- Did you ever look into her eyes?

- Into whose eyes?

- Not that Travers dame.

- She's beautiful.

FRANCIS: She ain't my type.

What am I gonna do? I don't know

one end of a horse from another.

Well, I do, and I can tell the

difference from where I'm standing.

PETE: Then you won't help me?

FRANCIS: No.

FRANCIS: That skirt got you into this.

Let her get you out.

[Francis shushing]

Oh, Mr. Stirling.

I heard voices

and figured I better investigate.

- Who was you talking to?

- Well, nobody.

I was just singing.

PETE: [Singing] Good night, ladies

Good night, Francis.

Good night, Francis

I'll see you in my dreams.

That's the talking and

singing I ever heard.

[Slow instrumental music]

[Bottles clinking]

[Smacking lips]

Rogers, when you advanced that money,

it was on the understanding...

I wouldn't have to pay it back

till the end of the season.

I know. But I been running in

a little tough luck myself.

I need the dough now.

Can't you wait two more weeks

till after the big race?

No dice.

The paper says, "Payable on demand."

And that's how it's gonna be.

But you know what this game is like.

I just don't have that much cash.

Then you haven't any horses, either.

ROGERS: I'll bring the moving vans and

the sheriff to the track in the morning.

I'm sorry. Good night, Miss Travers.

Good night, Colonel.

[Door shuts]

He seemed so anxious to lend that money.

I should have suspected

he was after our stable.

Grandpa, we still have my money.

Why can't we use that?

$25,000. I'll need three times that amount.

I was counting on the big race.

Yes, I know.

But why can't we just buy back Sir Gallant?

No, I'm through with horses.

And that goes for you, too.

It's taken me a long time to find out.

I should have known

when they broke your father's heart...

and his bank account.

TRAVERS: They're too rich for us.

Excuse me! Mr. Stirling is here.

TRAVERS: Come in, Stirling.

Thank you.

I'm sorry to come back so late,

but I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

Don't ask why, but I've got to quit my job.

I've got some news for you, Stirling.

I haven't got any horses.

And you haven't got a job.

[Whistling]

[Francis giggles]

[Francis giggles]

[Vehicle approaching]

FRANCIS: Don't! That

tickles! I'm sensitive!

[Horse whinnying]

[People chattering]

PETE: Wonder what all the noise is.

FRANCIS: I don't know.

[Sad instrumental music]

[Horse whinnying]

Butcherman.

[Horse whinnying]

The Colonel was all broken up.

I sure feel sorry for Miss Travers

and the Colonel.

Well, better get your suitcase

and let's get out of here.

- You mean you want me with you?

- Go on, get your suitcase.

[Comical instrumental music]

Dairy Queen.

Well, a copper and a sheriff.

I always say there's nothing like

doing things legal.

That's probably the first time

you ever did anything legal.

You're a real funny man,

aren't you, Mr. Damer?

Joe, get Oakwood Gal.

ROGERS: Chuck? CHUCK: Yeah?

Down to the end stall and get Sir Gallant.

Handle him easy.

SHERIFF: Mr. Rogers.

[Horse whinnies]

How do you like this horse?

He lives better than I do.

If this crummy-looking animal

is the favourite, I'm betting a long shot!

You dumb jackass,

can't you tell a horse from a mule?

A mule? I thought this was Sir...

Well, whatever he is, he comes along.

Come on.

[Francis grunting]

Come on!

CHUCK: Come on,

before I bash your brains out!

[Chuck grunting]

Take it easy. You'll last longer.

Keep your nose out of this, you dumb cop.

Who are you calling a dumb cop?

I didn't say nothing.

Look, one more crack like that, jerk,

and I'll monogram your bridgework.

I'd like to see you do it.

You would? Why, you two-bit hoodlum...

I didn't say nothing

I didn't even open my mouth!

Get out of here with this mule before

I forget myself and break you in half.

FRANCIS: You and who else?

- Okay, wise guy, that did it!

- Damer! No!

[Damer shouting]

[Punching and grunting]

Sheriff!

[Fast-paced instrumental music]

Francis!

Are you all right?

For the love of mud!

Let's get out of here, quick!

[Slow instrumental music]

[Cheerful instrumental music]

You step through that door

and you're in trouble.

I can't leave without saying goodbye.

It wouldn't be polite.

FRANCIS: Send her a singing telegram.

PETE: She's been very nice to me.

FRANCIS: She got you in trouble once,

and she'll do it again.

- But, Francis...

- Mr. Stirling!

[Francis groans]

[Charming instrumental music]

I was hoping that you'd stop by

before you left.

You were?

- I need your help.

- Well, what would you like me to do?

Please.

Would you... Mr. Stirling,

I want you to buy back Sir Gallant for me.

Buy back Sir Gallant?

But I only have $42.17.

I have the money. That is, if you think

Mr. Rogers will take $25,000.

$25,0007? For a horse?

Well, I know it isn't very much for the

handicap favourite, but it's all that I have.

Well, I'd like to, but I...

They've moved our horses

to the Happy Chance Farm.

You'll find Mr. Rogers there.

If you'll just try speaking to him for me.

But, Miss Travers, I...

[Charming instrumental music continues]

Why, your eyes are hazel.

I always thought they were green.

FRANCIS: Get him.

- Did you say something?

- No.

Yes. Well, no. Well, Francis...

I was wondering if you'd ever start

calling me by my first name, Peter.

[Stutters]

Peter.

[Francis clearing throat]

[Slow instrumental music]

I want Oakwood Gal to set the pace, keep

her about five lengths ahead of Sir Gallant.

RIDER 1: Okay, boss.

MALLORY: You, keep a tight rein on him...

or he'll pass the filly

as though she were standing still.

I merely want to see how Sir

Gallant looks in action. Okay, boys.

Well, it looks like "Square Deal" Mallory

is back in business...

and your name

doesn't appear on the records.

Let's keep it that way.

[Vehicle approaching]

Who's that?

[Horse whinnying]

I don't know, boss.

Saw him around the track yesterday.

Get rid of him.

PETE: Mr. Rogers? ROGERS: Yes.

PETE: My name is Peter Stirling.

I represent Col. Travers.

I don't exactly represent Col. Travers.

I represent his granddaughter.

Well, that is, she... I mean, we...

Well, anyway,

we'd like to buy back Sir Gallant.

ROGERS: Yeah?

Well, wait till you hear the price

I have to offer. $25,000.

- $25,0007?

- Yes, sir.

I wouldn't sell you

one end of the horse for that.

We don't want one end. We want both ends.

Beat it, Junior. We're busy.

[Stutters]

Mr. Rogers.

- If you'll just give me a moment.

- I told you, scram.

[Stuttering]

MALLORY: Sir Gallant is something to watch.

ROGERS: Yeah, he sure is.

He is something to watch.

Look at him run away from the other horse.

Sir Gallant's the one in back.

That's Oakwood Gal out front.

Why does the Colonel

thinks so much of Sir Gallant?

He can't get close to Oakwood Gal.

Look, Junior, I don't know why

I'm bothering to explain...

Mr. Rogers,

it looks like your little secret is out.

This young man seems to have

an instinctive eye for horses.

I've been told that before.

Only an expert could determine so quickly

that Sir Gallant's reputation is overrated...

and that Oakwood Gal

is the far superior horse.

I'm not really an expert.

Young man,

that money you offered Mr. Rogers...

is it immediately available?

Yes, sir. I have it right here on me.

It's in cash. Cash offer.

Mr. Rogers, it so happens

that I'm an old friend of Col. Travers.

- Really?

- Yes.

If you could figure out some way of taking

care of him, I'd be most grateful.

I'd like to please both

you gentlemen, but...

Why don't you two go over to your office

and discuss the matter?

But, I...

- As a personal favour to me.

- Very well.

- Suppose we do that, Mr. Stirling.

- Fine!

[Sombre instrumental music]

No, I've made up my mind.

Soon as I can arrange jobs for everyone,

I'll put the place up for sale.

Something may change your mind, Grandpa.

Nothing will change it.

We're going to move as far away

from racetracks as we can.

[Vehicle honking]

FRANCES: He's here!

TRAVERS: Who's here?

[Joyful instrumental music]

FRANCES: I've got

the most wonderful surprise!

TRAVERS: I'm not in the mood for surprises.

FRANCES: You'll be for this one.

We have Sir Gallant back.

[Vehicle honking]

TRAVERS: I don't understand.

FRANCES: I bought him!

It's the only time I ever disobeyed you,

but I just had to.

[Joyful instrumental music continues]

TRAVERS: I suppose I ought to be angry

with you for this.

But Sir Gallant is back.

And now we'll win the big race,

and we'll start another stable...

bigger and better than ever.

I don't know how you

ever talked Mr. Rogers into it.

Peter, you're wonderful.

It was nothing.

[Horse whinnying]

Back. Back up.

Sir Gallant?

This isn't Sir Gallant. It's Oakwood Gal.

That's right.

You were both wrong about her.

- You didn't buy Oakwood Gal!

- Yes.

- Where's Sir Gallant?

- Mr. Rogers is keeping him...

- but he's not half the horse this one is.

- I know which is better, I raised both.

But you should have seen them racing.

Sir Gallant couldn't get close to

Oakwood Gal. Mr. Rogers said...

- How much did you pay for her?

- Well, I offered him $25,042...

- $25,0007?

- $42.17.

He was nice enough

to let me have it for less.

- How much less?

- $42.17.

- Stirling, if this is some kind of joke...

- Well, no, sir.

- I've got all the papers right here.

- No.

TRAVERS: You haven't signed for her?

FRANCES: How could you, Peter?

Sir Gallant has a big reputation,

but Oakwood Gal...

- All right, what's your game?

- Game?

In a month, we could have bought

this filly in a $2,000 claiming race.

- How much you getting from Rogers?

- Nothing!

I thought I was doing the right thing.

You know too much not to know

you were doing the wrong thing!

TRAVERS: This is a matter for the police.

PETE: But, Col. Travers!

[Stuttering]

That was quite a huddle you had

with "Square Deal" Mallory, wasn't it?

I don't know anyone by that name.

Don't hand me that. I saw you with him.

How long you been working

for the syndicate?

- I'm not working for anyone!

- No?

Before I'm through with you,

you'll be working for the state.

But I didn't do anything! You believe that?

You and me better have

another powwow with the Chief.

Wait! I can prove that I don't know

any gamblers or syndicates!

I can prove I don't know anything!

I've got a witness!

- This is your witness?

- Yes, sir.

Francis.

- Who you talking to?

- Francis. He's my witness.

Will you please tell these people...

that I don't know anything

about racetracks or gamblers?

DAMER: This guy is nuts!

Please.

I think I should explain. Francis

dislikes talking in front of strangers.

- Are you telling us that your mule talks?

- Yes.

- Just like I'm talking to you now?

- His voice is a little deeper.

I don't know what kind of trick this is,

but you're going with me to the Chief.

Francis, say something!

He's gonna take me to the Chief!

This is ridiculous!

You've got to help me.

Think how long we've been friends.

Think of what we've been through together.

I could kick you in the...

Francis, don't be stubborn. Say something!

I'll say something.

You and me are going bye-bye.

Please, Mr. Damer, may I speak to you

and Grandpa outside for a minute?

All right.

Look, wise guy, don't try anything funny.

I'll be right outside the door.

[Francis chuckles]

FRANCIS: Ose-clay the oor-day.

PETE: Now you talk.

FRANCIS: What's this about you

and the Chief?

PETE: I've got to have $25,000 right away.

FRANCIS: How much?

$25,000.

FRANCIS: That's what I thought you said.

I've got to return the money,

or they'll send me to jail.

FRANCIS: Happy days.

PETE: I bought the wrong horse.

I bought Oakwood Gal

instead of Sir Gallant.

Now, that's a nice logical mistake. Yeah.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

- Didn't your folks ever teach you anything?

- What do you mean?

One's a girl horse, and one's a boy horse.

Well, it wasn't a mistake.

I just wasn't interested.

FRANCIS: Come back here.

Are you gonna help me?

You suppose you could stall that cop off

for a couple of hours?

PETE: What for?

FRANCIS: How much loot you got?

PETE: $42.17.

FRANCIS: I am going to slip you

a seven-horse parlay.

Seven-horse parlay? Is that good?

Is that good? Look.

You bet $40 to win on the first horse.

Then after you win,

you bet it all on the next one.

FRANCIS: You keep betting, you'll have

$25,000 by the end of the last race.

FRANCIS: Have you got a pencil?

PETE: Yeah.

FRANCIS: All right. Get to writing.

PETE: Wait now. Okay.

FRANCIS: The first race is Golden Baby.

FRANCIS: Second race, See Saw.

Second race, See Saw.

FRANCIS: Fourth race...

PETE: Fourth? What about the third race?

Skip the third.

Those scatterbrained two-year-olds

don't know themselves who's gonna win.

FRANCIS: In the fourth

race, it's Extravagant.

Look, Miss Travers. I got as much respect

for a w*r hero as the next guy...

- but that don't excuse him.

- Don't you see?

Getting those medals, then winding up

in the hospital so many times...

it may have left its mark on him.

I knew there was something peculiar

about that boy.

Well, I still can't believe he would do

anything like that deliberately.

If that's the way you feel about it...

we ought to give him an opportunity

to return the money.

Then if he doesn't, we can prefer charges.

FRANCIS: Now, in the eighth,

it's Blue Buckle. You got it?

How do you know

all these horses are gonna win?

[Francis shushing]

FBI.

FBI?

Feed Bag Information. Yeah.

MALE ANNOUNCER: It's Falling Star,

Hot Food and Legal Counsel.

It's Falling Star taking the lead.

Hot Food, Legal Counsel and Andy's Son

are bunched together.

Here comes Golden Baby between horses!

Golden Baby taking a little bit.

It's Falling Star and Golden Baby.

Golden Baby and Falling Star,

neck and neck.

- First race isn't over yet.

- I know.

MALE ANNOUNCER: It's Golden Baby

the winner!

Falling Star second, Legal Counsel third,

and Hot Food finished fourth.

[Slow piano instrumental music]

- Little lucky today?

- Yes, sir.

As long as the Colonel was sucker enough

to give you 24 hours...

instead of hanging around, why don't you

try to get him back his $25,0007?

Well, that's what I'm doing.

MALE ANNOUNCER: See Saw

and Georgia's Beau.

- You want something, bud?

- No, just waiting.

MALE ANNOUNCER: It is See Saw, the winner

by three lengths, Georgia's Beau second...

Barrelhead third,

and Furlong finished fourth.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

MALE ANNOUNCER: Your attention, please.

The horses are approaching...

DAMER: You ain't betting the third race?

PETE: No, sir.

DAMER: What's the matter?

Even the horses don't know

who's gonna win this one.

The horses?

[Triumphant instrumental music]

MALE ANNOUNCER: In the stretch,

it's Extravagant...

Royal Mystery, Tanlan and Kleenaway.

It's Extravagant and Royal Mystery

head and head.

- The race isn't over yet, buddy.

- I know.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Royal Mystery,

and it's Extravagant the winner!

PETE: It is now.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Tanlan third

and Kleenaway...

DAMER: Wait a minute, Whitey.

Let me see those tickets.

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

Okay.

CASHIER: $1,000. $1,050. $100. $1,150.

[Classical instrumental music]

- Fifth race ain't even started.

- He knows.

[Crowd cheering]

$4,000.

$5,000. $5,580.

[Jazzy instrumental music]

So I ask him. I says, "How come

you ain't betting the third race?"

You know what he tells me?

"Even the horses don't know

who's gonna win that one."

- You're positive he doesn't talk to anybody?

- Nobody but me! But nobody!

And he's picked six winners already.

- I better have another talk with him.

- Yeah, okay, Chief.

I'm telling you, this kid is nuts.

CASHIER: $20,000. $21,000. $22,000.

CASHIER: I didn't think Blue Buckle

had a chance.

$23,000. $24,000. $25,000.

$1, $2, $10, $20. $25,220.

PETE: Thank you.

CASHIER: You're welcome.

[Ominous instrumental music]

- I understand you bid a few races today.

- Seven, sir.

- And how many did you win?

- Seven, sir.

You didn't bet the third race. Why not?

Francis said that even the horses

didn't know who was gonna win.

Francis said?

Not the Francis I met in the stall.

- Stay out of this, Damer. Who is Francis?

- Well...

I can't tell you, sir.

- I can. It'll hand you a laugh. Francis is...

- I told you to stay out of this.

Is Francis one of

"Square Deal" Mallory's boys?

- No. He isn't anybody's boy.

- Why can't you tell us who he is?

You wouldn't believe me.

First, you say Betsey Sue has a complex

and Sudden Storm will win.

Today you hit a seven-horse parlay.

I'd believe anything.

PETE: Anything? CHIEF: Anything.

Well, sir, Francis is a mule.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

I told you, the kid's crazy.

- Did you say mule?

- Yes, sir.

[Comical instrumental music]

You want I should smack him, boss?

What sort of mule?

- A very intelligent mule.

- "Very intelligent mule."

Now let's take this a little slower.

- You say this mule tells you things. Right?

- Yes, sir.

Just one, boss. Right on the button!

Exactly how does this mule talk to you?

What do you mean, sir?

CHIEF: Does he talk to you

like I talk to you, in English?

Yes, sir.

I tell you, the kid's off his rocker.

And this mule, this Francis,

tells you about horses?

- Yes, sir.

- I see.

I suppose, you think you're very clever.

No, sir!

Do you think you can twist this track

around your finger?

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing!

I'll tell you!

You're impertinent or a fool, or both!

Yes, sir.

You won't get away with it...

if it takes every resource

of the Racing Association.

Every last cent, understand?

Get out of here! Go on, beat it!

Don't let him out of your sight.

Not for a second!

Right, Chief.

Be a closer tail on him than on his mule.

PETE: Francis! FRANCIS: Yes?

- I got it.

- Well, what kept you so long?

- Well, I was arrested again.

- What for?

The inspector wanted to know

how I picked horses.

FRANCIS: And you told him.

PETE: What could I do?

FRANCIS: I know. How much money

you got in that bag?

Well, I've got $25,220.

And 10 cents.

FRANCIS: You better go see the Colonel

and buy back Oakwood Gal.

FRANCIS: What do you expect, give him

the money and let him keep the horse?

PETE: What would I do with a racehorse?

FRANCIS: With that one, I don't know.

FRANCIS: She's still in the handicap?

PETE: Yes.

FRANCIS: Since we're stuck with her, we

might as well see how we can make her win.

Who is we?

FRANCIS: Let's just say

we'll handle this together.

FRANCIS: I got a hunch about that filly.

FRANCIS: Somebody's coming.

Out the back door.

And bring back that horse!

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

Hello, mule.

Who do you like in the fifth tomorrow?

Me talking to a jackass.

I must be losing my marbles, too.

[Car approaching]

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music

continues]

So you're Francis.

What's this nonsense

about your being able to talk?

Say something.

What about those seven winners?

DAMER: Say, Chief.

CHIEF: Who said that?

DAMER: I did.

It's true. You can talk! But...

DAMER: Boss, it's me.

CHIEF: Damer?

You so much as breathe a word of this,

I'll have you...

Boss, don't let it throw you.

- I just did the same thing myself.

- You, too?

That kid will have us as crazy as he is.

Let's get out of here.

[Chuckling]

There it is. $25,000.

I couldn't believe it, Stirling.

I just couldn't believe it.

TRAVERS: Seven winners, wasn't it?

PETE: Yes, sir.

Now ['ll take Oakwood Gal

and be on my way.

But you seem mighty anxious

to buy her back.

- You said...

- It couldn't be you think she's a good filly...

- and has a chance to win the big handicap?

- I wouldn't know about that.

No?

Well, either you knew enough

about horses to pick seven winners...

or you knew something else, perhaps about

a little inside fixing by Mr. Mallory.

Grandpa, I think we're being very unfair.

I don't think he ever heard of Mr. Mallory

before yesterday.

You do believe that, don't you?

You know how much winning this handicap

means to us.

FRANCES: Do you think Oakwood Gal

stands any sort of chance?

PETE: I'm sure she does.

TRAVERS: What makes you so certain?

Please don't ask me.

FRANCES: If you think she may win,

will you help us get her ready?

- I know nothing about horses!

- Seven winners.

$25,000, and he says he knows nothing.

Man, oh, man. I'd like to be that ignorant.

FRANCES: Please, Peter. We need you.

PETE: Well, I'm sorry.

I'd like to, but I can't.

Really, if there was any...

Before I can take the job,

I've got to explain to somebody.

TRAVERS: Explain to somebody?

PETE: Yes, sir. I promised.

TRAVERS: Whom did you promise?

PETE: I can't tell you.

TRAVERS: Why not?

Because I promised.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Col. Travers.

I don't like the sound of that.

MAN 1: Stirling? PETE: Yes, sir?

A friend of yours wants to see you.

[Pete stuttering]

TRAVERS.: It's just as I thought.

FRANCES: What?

Stirling leaving with two of Mallory's men.

MALLORY: Good evening.

Mr. Square Deal.

They didn't tell me it was you.

MALLORY: So nice of you to drop in.

PETE: I didn't exactly drop in.

- These two men...

- They deliver my invitations.

Thank you, gentlemen. That will be all.

Miss Van Rensallier,

may I present Mr. Peter Stirling?

- How do you do?

- I thank you, ma'am.

- You're much younger than I expected.

- I'm really much older than I am. I mean...

- My dear, will you pour Mr. Stirling a drink?

- Surely.

No, thank you. I can't stay.

I have a previous appointment.

Come, now, Mr. Stirling. Sit down.

I have a little proposition.

- I'm sorry, but I... A proposition?

- Yes.

Sit down.

Since you've learned my nickname,

I assume you've also learned my business.

- They said you were a gambler.

- A slight exaggeration.

I'm in the brokerage business.

With all modesty, in my particular field

I'm one of the most successful.

- I knew a broker in the bank.

- I handle a different type of investment.

I speculate on horses,

which horse is going to win, that is.

Well, that's almost like gambling.

- In fact, it is gambling.

- Not when you have the right information.

However, it seems I now have a rival

whose sources are better than my own.

PETE: No, thank you. Really, sir? Who, sir?

You, Mr. Stirling.

PETE: Who, me, sir?

MALLORY: Yes.

So I am prepared to offer you a partnership

in my organisation.

A partnership?

With your information and my connections,

we could make a great deal of money.

I already have a job with Col. Travers.

I get $75 a week.

I think I can start you off

with slightly more than that.

Say, $1,000 a week more?

That's awfully... Every week?

You just tell me

where you get your information.

- What information?

- The horses, Mr. Stirling.

Which ones are going to win.

MALLORY: Is something wrong?

PETE: I was afraid you'd ask me that.

MALLORY: Come now. If we're to trust

each other, I must know.

I'd like to tell you, but I can't!

I can absolutely promise

you full protection.

PETE: No, sir. It isn't that.

MALLORY: Then what is it?

- You wouldn't believe me!

- Nonsense.

Seven winners in seven races?

Good heavens, man!

MALLORY: I'd believe anything.

PETE: I don't think so.

In other words, you won't tell me.

- You really must know?

- Where do you get your information?

- Francis told me.

- Who?

PETE: Francis.

- Francis who?

- Well, Francis. A mule.

VAN RENSALLIER: Did you say mule?

PETE: Yes, ma'am.

VAN RENSALLIER: Oh, really, Mr. Stirling.

MALLORY: Shut up!

What kind of mule?

[Stuttering]

Regular mule. We were friends in the army.

MALLORY: Your information is from a mule?

PETE: Yes, sir.

MALLORY: That he talks to you?

PETE: Yes, sir.

- One of us is crazy, and it isn't me.

- Yes, sir.

Now stop the double-talk.

Where do you get your information?

I told you, you wouldn't believe me,

but it's the truth.

Smart boy.

If you won't divulge

the source of your information...

I'm sure you wouldn't mind

splitting a few tips with me.

Suppose you spend the night here

and be my guest at the track tomorrow?

- I can't. That appointment.

- To talk to the mule, I suppose.

- I've got to explain to him...

- I suggest you change your plans!

[Bugle playing call to the post]

- Okay, bub, what do you like?

- I'd like a hot dog with mustard?

Who do you like in the first?

Who's gonna win?

PETE: I really have no idea.

MAN 1: He ain't got any idea.

MAN 1: The boss says you was to pick them,

so pick them!

Miss Q. Hester.

- Did you see what I saw?

- Yeah, I seen.

Miss Q. Hester?

- Why, she's a dog.

- I thought it was a horse race.

The boss must know what he's doing.

Let's go plunk it down.

- Where do you think you're going?

- You told me I had to bet.

At the $2 window? You're kidding.

MAN 2: Thirty-two tickets on number six.

- Thirty-two tickets?

- Start shelling out.

Number six.

- How many?

- Thirty-two.

Thirty-two on number six?

DAMER: I think maybe I'll put a five spot

on number six myself.

DAMER: Excuse me!

MALE ANNOUNCER: Mr. Gringo, the winner.

Pickemup is second.

And the horse coming in now

is Miss Q. Hester.

Miss Q. Hester.

The boss will blow his cork.

When I went out

and phoned Miss Q. Hester in...

he said he was gonna bet $10,000.

- That better have been a mistake, Junior.

- Yes, sir.

MAN 2: Forty tickets on number nine.

Listen, kid, Black Spots better win...

or you'll find yourself

in a mess of trouble.

- Yes, sir.

- Okay, dig out the $4,000.

$4,000 on number nine.

$4,000 on number nine?

MALE ANNOUNCER: At the quarter pole,

it's Miracle Boy, Red Ringer and Eldorelda.

Here comes Black Spots on the outside.

Come on, Black Spots!

He's coming!

Look at him go! Come on, Black Spots!

Look at him go! Look at him...

He stopped!

MALE ANNOUNCER: Miracle Boy's

the winner...

Black Spots.

Eldorelda finished third

and Transient Miss finished fourth.

I don't understand it, Chief.

Seven straight winners yesterday,

seven straight losers today.

The eighth race isn't over.

Why aren't you watching?

DAMER: They only got two riding on this.

CHIEF: $2,0007

$2! That's their bankroll.

And it's $2 more than I got left.

Then that seven-horse parlay yesterday

was just a fluke.

I hate to think what Mallory's gonna

do to that kid.

The rumour's around

he dropped more than $200,000.

That's not our responsibility. As far

as I'm concerned, the matter's closed.

All right, Chief.

Boy, that kid must be nuts.

He's out in front! Come on!

He's out in front! He's gaining!

Come on!

Maybe we ought to plug him now.

Maybe the boss has got other ideas.

He won! I'd told you he'd win, and he won!

You know what that $2 ticket will pay?

You just made yourself 40 cents.

- Yeah, but I picked a winner!

- Yeah, you sure did.

The boss will wanna split the winnings

with you. Come on.

You've cost me $200,000. Start talking.

- What do you want me to talk about?

- About seven losers in a row.

- It was all your fault.

- My fault?

You wouldn't let me get to Francis.

- You gonna start that mule business again?

- Yes, sir.

I could have you fitted with cement

slippers and dropped in the harbour.

- I'll take you to Francis.

- You'll what?

- You can talk to him yourself.

- Me, Roy Mallory, talk to a mule?

I should say not!

So this is where you get your information.

Yes, sir. This is Francis.

Go ahead, make him talk.

Hello, Francis.

Hello, Francis.

- I didn't hear him answer you.

- He didn't.

Francis, this gentleman

is Mr. "Square Deal" Mallory.

I had to come to you. You've gotta show him

that you can talk.

Say something, Francis, please.

Well?

Francis, if you ever did anything for me,

do it now.

Just one little yes.

Even a no.

PETE: He's like this sometimes.

MALLORY: Sometimes?

Think of what we went through together

in the w*r.

They're gonna make me cement slippers

and drop me in the harbour!

MALLORY: Maybe he's hard of hearing.

PETE: No, he hears me. He's just stubborn.

I demand you to say something.

I'll say something, $200,000 worth.

You're crazy.

I tell you, Francis can talk.

I'll have a couple of the boys

take care of you.

You wouldn't do anything to anybody

that's crazy, would you?

I'm gonna let you off

with a little friendly advice:

Get out of town

while you're still in one piece.

[Gloomy instrumental music]

- He seemed a little peeved.

- Peeved? He wants to k*ll me.

Why?

- We lost a little at the track today.

- We?

How much did you go for?

Well, we...

[Slow instrumental music]

The whole $25,000.

My aching back.

Francis, I wish I was dead.

You know something? I'll drink to that.

FRANCIS: You'll find a sack stashed

over in that feed bin over there.

- Sack? What for?

- Get it out.

You ask the darnedest things

at the darnedest times.

Yeah.

[Comical instrumental music]

[Bottles clinking]

Why, it's beer and whiskey.

FRANCIS: Stable hands never take a chance

on getting caught short.

Now, Peter, my boy, get me a bucket.

PETE: Why do you want the bucket?

FRANCIS: So I can drink out of it.

Imbibing from a bottle

seems a bit crude, don't you think?

PETE: Francis, do you drink?

FRANCIS: After seven years in the army?

[Francis chuckles]

FRANCIS: Start pouring.

[Comical instrumental music continues]

What'll I open it with?

FRANCIS: Hold it behind me.

PETE: Behind you?

FRANCIS: Yeah. Go on.

Behind you.

FRANCIS: Get on the other side.

I'm left-footed.

PETE: How's this?

FRANCIS: A little lower.

You all set?

PETE: Fire! FRANCIS: Bull's-eye!

FRANCIS: Quite a touch you got there, Pete.

PETE: Francis, do you think you should?

FRANCIS: Silly boy. Keep pouring.

FRANCIS: Don't stop now?

PETE: More?

That ain't enough to wet my whistle. More.

[Francis humming]

- Same place?

- Same place.

[Francis continues humming]

PETE: Fire two. FRANCIS: Roger.

PETE: Three. FRANCIS: Check.

FRANCIS: Come on, pour.

[Francis chuckling]

That's more like it. Yeah.

Ain't you joining me?

Now, you know I don't drink.

Twist your arm. Grab a bottle.

Wish we had some pretzels?

Well, here's mud in your eye.

[Francis slurping]

FRANCIS: [Singing drunkenly]

Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

My Bonnie lies over the sea.

My Bonnie lies over.

[Francis stops singing]

PETE: Francis, you're loaded.

FRANCIS: [Slurring] I don't know why.

FRANCIS: You only had one drink.

PETE: I said you're loaded.

FRANCIS: Don't be...

[Francis hiccupping]

FRANCIS: Silly.

FRANCIS: Petey, old boy, you're a nice kid.

FRANCIS: You and me are buddies

all through the w*r together.

PETE: Quit your slobbering.

FRANCIS: Say, Pete.

[Francis laughing]

Now, what's so funny?

FRANCIS: The idea of Oakwood Gal

winning the big race.

Like that $100,000 handicap.

Why don't you stand still

when I speak to you?

PETE: I am standing still.

FRANCIS: Don't interrupt!

FRANCIS: Yes, sir, Pete...

Oakwood Gal

might be able to win that race...

if she wanted to.

FRANCIS: Excuse me. Which she don't.

PETE: Well, why doesn't she?

FRANCIS: She has an...

[Stammering]

Inferiority complex.

[Francis shushing]

We're getting company. Quiet!

- Stirling!

- Peter!

PETE: Hello, Colonel. Miss Travers.

TRAVERS: Who's in here with you?

PETE: Nobody. Nobody but Francis.

PETE: I'm sorry I didn't

report this morning...

What are you doing here?

- What was that racket?

- I came to see Francis.

Young man, I'll give you two minutes

to take your mule and get off my property.

PETE: I must tell you something.

TRAVERS: Two minutes.

Listen to me. I know how Oakwood Gal

can win the handicap.

By crooked methods? We're not interested.

Francis isn't crooked.

- Are you referring to that animal?

- Yes, sir. He's got a plan.

He's got a plan?

- What sort of nonsense is this?

- It's not nonsense.

You said a mouthful.

Who said that?

Who said that?

Keep your shirt on, Colonel. I said it.

TRAVERS: I don't believe it.

FRANCIS: You don't?

[Exclaims]

Don't stand there, Colonel.

Get her some water.

Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Yes.

Miss Travers, are you all right?

Sure, the dame's all right.

[Singing] My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

Here you are, my dear. I don't

believe it, Stirling. It's impossible.

TRAVERS: You're a ventriloquist.

PETE: No, sir.

Give me that. You drink it. Go on.

Talk while he's drinking the water.

Go on, talk. I defy you.

What do you want me to say?

Excuse me.

He can talk.

Listen, lady. You faint once more,

and I won't have...

A hoof to lift.

I won't lift a hoof to help you.

As a matter of fact, I...

[Groaning]

Francis!

FRANCES: What happened?

TRAVERS: What's wrong?

Francis has passed out.

[Comical instrumental music]

[Francis groaning]

FRANCIS: My head.

Francis, are you all right?

Stop shouting.

He's all right.

Certainly, I'm all right.

Get this silly junk off my head.

You had us up all night.

What day is this?

- It's Tuesday.

- Tuesday? Holy cow.

If I'm gonna save the situation,

the sooner I get started, the better.

Where's Oakwood Gal?

Cat got your tongue, Colonel?

Oh.

She's in the next barn there,

in the middle stall.

FRANCIS: Let's go.

FRANCIS: My head.

FRANCIS: Come on.

PETE: Here she is.

PETE: What now, Francis?

Off the record,

there's nothing wrong with Oakwood Gal...

except a bad case of hero worship.

Hero worship?

You know how kid sisters are

about their big brothers.

She's convinced she can't beat Sir Gallant.

It's given her an inferiority complex.

What are you gonna do, Francis?

Psychoanalyse her.

Psychoanalyse a horse?

They do it to people, don't they?

FRANCIS: Now, get lost for an hour.

FRANCIS: Get up there.

[Slow, jazzy instrumental music]

FRANCIS: Morning, ma'am.

Now, Oakie, old gal...

you and I are gonna have

a nice, relaxing talk.

I'm your friend, and I wanna help you.

Suppose you lie just down

like a nice little girl.

Put your head back on that hay.

Come on now, lie down.

[Francis murmuring in approval]

Yeah.

Just relax.

Keep that little Southern body

on that Northern hay and listen to me.

Are you comfy?

Now, I want you

to think back to your childhood...

way back to the very beginning.

Now I need a drink.

I'll make you a julep, Grandpa.

No. Mix me a Moscow Mule.

FRANCIS: Tell Dr. Francis all about it.

[Pleasant instrumental music]

SAM: Easy does it, Mr. Stirling.

PETE: Yeah, I'll take it easy.

Now remember, little girl,

you win with your heart.

A horse that won't be beat, can't be.

[Oakwood Gal snorting]

Francis, you've inspired her enough.

FRANCIS: I'll handle this.

FRANCIS: Now... Please.

FRANCIS: Remember that thought:

FRANCIS: Every day in every way,

I'm getting better and better.

FRANCIS: Now get in there.

[Francis whoops]

[Oakwood Gal neighing]

[Francis chuckling]

FRANCIS: You know something?

If I got that silly filly any more

steamed up, she'd overshoot the runway.

Excuse me, Francis...

but I don't think she ought to work

more than the half mile, do you?

Colonel, either you keep out of my hair,

or I quit.

I was only trying to be helpful.

Then you'd better start

seeing about a good jock.

But I thought

Peter was going to ride Oakwood Gal.

In the $100,000 handicap?

Why, the kid wouldn't last

once around on a merry-go-round.

- I thought that...

- Hey, I'll do the thinking.

Oh, Boy.

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Sam.

It's you, Mr. Stirling.

You scared me.

I was worried about Oakwood Gal,

so I came to check.

I reckon we all get nervous

this close to the big race.

I was bedded down there

so that I can keep an eye on things.

That's a good idea.

You know, Mr. Stirling,

I've been watching you work out.

If you don't mind my saying so, you've got

the most unusual seat I ever did see.

- I have?

- Yes, sir.

Is that something you developed yourself?

I guess I was born with it.

Then I guess you're just one of them

natural-born riders.

[Both chuckling]

SAM: Who'd ever thought

she'd be entered in this big race?

PETE: A couple of people had the idea.

[Fast-paced instrumental music]

[Slow instrumental music]

Cut the tendon in the hind leg.

I know what to do.

[Lightly suspenseful instrumental music]

Unhook that

and get that stupid donkey out of the way.

Come on.

Hey.

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Police! Come on, get up there.

Emergency. All track police to stable one.

Somebody called the cops.

On the double. Stable one. Come on.

Get the lead out. Help!

MAN 1: The donkey done it.

FRANCIS: Police! Help!

[g*nsh*t]

[Suspenseful instrumental

music intensifies]

PETE: Sam!

POLICEMAN 1: Hold on now. Drop that g*n.

[Slow instrumental music]

POLICEMAN 2: All right. Let's go.

Francis.

[Sombre instrumental music]

[Slow instrumental music]

PETE: Doctor, tell me...

MARBERRY: Not now, Stirling.

The doctors have been in there

over an hour.

He'll be all right,

Peter. I'm sure he will.

He's only a mule,

but he's like a mother to me.

He's the best friend I ever had.

I don't know what I'll do without him.

[Francis groans]

Take it easy, Doc.

[Comical instrumental music]

If you please,

Dr. Marberry, I'm doing this.

- Of course, Doctor, I didn't...

- Scalpel.

What're you doing, digging a sewer?

I suppose you could do better?

- Really, Dr. Quimby, I didn't say any...

- Haemostat and sponges.

[Comical instrumental music continues]

[Francis groans]

Got the b*llet.

Sutures.

Are you supposed to be

a doctor or a butcher?

Very well, Dr. Marberry.

- You may continue.

- No, Dr. Quimby. I insist.

I insist.

Will you two quacks make up your mind?

- Couldn't be.

- It's impossible.

FRANCIS: That's what you think.

- Doctor, is he all right?

- He?

Yes, he's all right.

But I think we inhaled too much ether.

Come on in.

Francis, you're all right.

I hope to kiss a duck, I'm all right.

I was so afraid I was gonna lose you.

Skip it. You're slobbering all over me.

Francis, we were so worried.

If there's anything we can do for you...

FRANCIS: There's something you can do

for me right now.

Anything you say, Francis.

Get the heck off of my tail.

[Crowd chattering]

Any special instructions, Col. Travers?

No. She knows the kind of race

she's going to run.

She knows? You mean the horse?

That is, she'll do it instinctively.

I hope you're right, Colonel.

She doesn't look like much.

[Travers slapping Oakwood Gal]

Stirling, are you sure you can trust

Francis? I'm worried about Oakwood Gal.

What do you think is wrong with her?

Can't figure it out. I've been over it

carefully but she just hasn't got any pep.

PETE: We better get to Francis right away.

I don't suppose you people come here

to talk about my operation.

Francis, we're in trouble. There's

something wrong with Oakwood Gal.

- That dumb little filly's got stage fright.

- Stage fright?

Yeah. Handicap is big stuff to a racehorse.

Francis, you've got to do something.

"Francis, you've got to do something."

Must I run the race too?

Please, Francis.

FRANCIS: Are you using a lead pony?

PETE: What's a lead pony?

Some horse expert.

He's the pony

that leads the horse to the starting gate.

I never use one with Oakwood Gal.

FRANCIS: This race, you will.

[Bugle playing call to the post]

[Crowd chattering]

[Oakwood Gal snorting]

MALE ANNOUNCER: Attention.

The horses are on the track

for the big handicap...

for a purse of $100,000,

added at one mile and a quarter.

Here's something very unusual:

A mule acting as lead pony accompanying

Oakwood Gal to the starting gate.

Is that a mule?

I believe it is.

Highly irregular.

[Oakwood Gal neighing]

I've been a member

of the Racing Association for 11 years...

and I've never seen a mule for a lead pony.

Neither have I.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The horses

are at the starting gate...

and are being taken in hand one by one

by the assistant starters.

And going into position for this

mile-and-a-quarter handicap.

Oakwood Gal is acting a bit fractious

at the gate this afternoon.

[Oakwood Gal snorting and neighing]

I never saw Oakwood Gal so full of vinegar.

MALE ANNOUNCER: They're in the stalls.

DAMER: Looks mighty fishy.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The flag is up.

[Starting bell rings]

MALE ANNOUNCER: And they're off and

running. It's Oakwood Gal breaking on top.

Radio Script is second. Interval is third.

Short Tort is fourth. Phantom Bell is fifth.

Sir Gallant, Lucky Lucky and Barrel Head.

Come on, Oakwood Gal!

MALE ANNOUNCER: Oakwood Gal has

opened up a long lead of six lengths.

Radio Script is second by a length.

Interval is third by a half.

Short Tort is fourth by a head.

Then comes Radio Script.

And turning into the back stretch...

it is Oakwood Gal. Making the pace in hand

and leading by eight lengths.

She's leading.

If she wasn't, I told her

I'd kick her teeth in.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Around the turn,

is Oakwood Gal by a length and a half.

Short Tort is second by a head.

Interval is third by a head.

Radio Script and Sir Gallant.

Come on, boy. Now cut her loose.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Oakwood Gal

has opened up a long lead.

Short Tort is second, Phantom Bell

is third, and here comes Sir Gallant.

Come on, Oakwood Gal.

Come on, now.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Oakwood Gal

and Sir Gallant.

It's Oakwood Gal by a length.

By half a length.

[Cheering]

No, go back.

MALE ANNOUNCER: It is Sir Gallant

and Oakwood Gal.

Come on!

MALE ANNOUNCER: And it is Sir Gallant...

No, it's Oakwood Gal, the winner.

Grandpa, we won!

Francis, we won!

Oh, stop, Pete. What'll people think?

That was the most flagrant thing I

ever saw. Sir Gallant stopped cold.

The horse was deliberately pulled.

I can't believe that Col. Travers...

No one's ever fixed this race before

and never will.

Bring everyone involved to the office

at once.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Your attention, ladies

and gentlemen. Be sure to hold all tickets.

I guess we're all agreed

that Sir Gallant stopped cold.

MAN 1: That's right.

MAN 2: All right, Mr. Harrington.

Gentlemen, whether or not

Sir Gallant was pulled...

there's been something funny going on

ever since this fellow got here.

Oakwood Gal never

ran like that in her life.

MAN 2: Col. Travers and Mr. Rogers,

will you wait outside, please?

If you think I had anything to do

with fixing the race, you're crazy.

We've asked that Mr. Mallory

be brought here.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

I can prove that we went to the cleaners

backing Sir Gallant.

MAN 2: Later.

We'll hear what you have to say.

MAN 2: All right, boys. We'll call you.

MAN 2: Now, young man.

PETE: Yes, sir?

MAN 2: I understand you've been

acting as trainer for Oakwood Gal.

Yes. No. Not exactly.

It was really Francis who was the trainer.

- Francis?

- Who's Francis?

Francis who?

What's his last name?

PETE: He doesn't have one.

MAN 2: That's ridiculous.

PETE: You see, Francis is a...

MAN 2: Well?

Stirling! One word out of you

about a talking mule and...

- Talking mule?

- But Francis really does talk.

[All chattering]

Whoever heard of a talking mule?

Young man, are you trying to tell us

you know a mule that talks?

Know him? He's my best friend.

MAN 2: He was Oakwood Gal's trainer?

PETE: Yes, sir.

- Do you take us for a bunch of fools?

- No, sir.

I've been through this malarkey before.

It's a cover-up.

FRANCIS: Says who?

CHIEF: Says me.

CHIEF: Who said that?

FRANCIS: I said it.

What?

Am I glad you brought Francis.

I told him you were in trouble.

He brought me.

It's true. Look at him. A mule talking.

Look at yourself. You're talking.

Can't be.

This is the most unbelievable thing

I ever heard.

I must be nuts.

I must be losing my mind.

FRANCIS: Yeah? I'm losing my patience.

FRANCIS: Now sit down, all of you.

I still can't believe it.

You're really talking.

FRANCIS: What does it sound like?

And you can talk to horses?

FRANCIS: You catch on quick, bub.

What did you do to Oakwood Gal?

I just psychoanalysed her.

You what?

I convinced her she's every bit

as good as her big brother.

FRANCIS: Is there anything wrong with that,

gentlemen?

Wrong?

FRANCIS: Well? MAN 2: No.

[Stuttering]

I don't know. There's no precedent.

No, I don't think so.

FRANCIS: All right, then.

Declare the race official.

Just a minute. What about Sir Gallant?

You talked him into throwing the race,

didn't you?

By the tail of my Great Aunt Regret,

I ought to kick your teeth in.

You were standing near him

at the starting gate.

FRANCIS: All I did was remind him

that Oakwood Gal was his baby sister.

I suppose that's

what made him stop so suddenly.

FRANCIS: What else?

FRANCIS: I knew that moron was too polite

to pass his kid sister in the stretch.

MAN 3: This is awful.

- It's the end of horse racing.

- It's the end of racetracks.

It's the end of everything.

No more Santa Anita,

no more Hollywood Park...

no more Churchill Downs, no more Pimlico.

Relax.

I can talk to horses, but they bore me.

Pete here got himself into a jam,

and I had to get him out.

From now on, I'm through.

No more talking.

If you'll keep quiet about it, you can all

go back to running your little races.

The results are declared official.

PETE: Goodbye, Frances.

FRANCES: Spelled with an "E."

PETE: With an "E."

[Francis singing]

- Goodbye again, sir.

- Goodbye, my boy.

Don't you know you're not supposed

to sing with your mouth full?

TRAVERS: Goodbye, my boy.

What's on your mind now, chum?

I still don't see why

you wouldn't let me keep Oakwood Gal...

when the Colonel wanted to give her to us.

And spend the rest of my life...

listening to that dumb filly

tell me how she won the big handicap?

[Exclaiming in disapproval]

BOTH: [Singing]

My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

My Bonnie lies over the sea.

My Bonnie lies over the ocean.

Take it.

FRANCIS: Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

BOTH: To me