22x02 - This Is Food Glue

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Tickets, please.

Oh!

Yeah...

This isn't my fault.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Argh!

PHONE RINGS

Bloody hell!

Mum?

Ah!

I say!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome.

Welcome to Taskmaster,
a giant horse of funny

galloping through
a field of comedian corn.

Its mighty hooves may crush them,
but they always pop back up.

Why?! Stay down!
Why won't they stay down?!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Please welcome...

...Chloe Petts...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Isy Suttie...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Matt Lucas...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...Nina Conti...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

...and Richard Ayoade!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,
a man who told me in private

that he always exceeds
the speed limit

because he considers
traffic police to be

"glorified car park attendants."

I quote, "Let them taser me.
It will only make me stronger."

HIGH-PITCHED: It's little Alex Horne!

Hello, everybody. Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Hello, Greg. Is it chat time?
It's chat time.

My job...
Just you and Silver Daddy, is it?

LAUGHTER

My job is to provide information
in an entertaining way.

Yep.
I'm very comfortable doing that.

I would like to demonstrate it.
Let's go.

Here's a fact for you, Greg.

Carrots used to be purple.

I know.

And that's a fact.

And that's a fact. Oh, OK.

They're in on this sh*t, are they?

Well, they used to be purple. Why?

What happened? Uh...

The Dutch made them orange.

The Dutch made them orange. Yeah.

I already knew that.

Well, I've got another one
for you, then. Let's go.

Cucumbers are part
of the melon family.

And that's a fact.

And why is that, then?

We're not sure.

We're not sure about that one.

Celery is 100% water.

And that's an exaggeration.

Can't be that much, can it?

Finished!

I expect this of him,

but I'm very disappointed in you.

Prize task then.
It sure is, Captain Cuddles.

And this week you've
asked them to bring in

the best thing you have been given

that would not make
the Taskmaster jealous.

Yes, Greg doesn't like
feeling jealous,

but the good news is,
not much makes him jealous.

He's got everything apart
from deep happiness. But...

...he's going to give
out five points...

We're not supposed to
say things that are true!

...but he'll give out five points for
the best thing they've been given.

And the winner of the episode
will take home five things

that Greg simply
couldn't give a toss about,

and that is pure Taskmaster.

That's pure Taskmaster. Mm-mm.

Hello, Isy. Hello!

What have you brought
in that wouldn't make me jealous?

I'm so easily jealous.

I covet so much.

I've brought in my husband's
lucky pants.

Right. This is
what Elis' pants look like.

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

It's so... It's so graphic.

Yeah. So he wears these
for every Wales football game

to bring the team good luck...

...and he's done that for decades.

GREG RETCHES

They are really shredded
in the gusset area now.

And in the exact shape, I presume,
of his p*nis and testicles.

Good start. I am not jealous
of Elis James' pants. Matt.

I have been given
the captain's armband

that England captain
Harry Kane wore

when England beat Germany


And it's a rainbow armband.

And I know that
you're not into football

and you're not into men's bottoms,
so I figured...

I think it's an amazing thing,
cos I am into those things.

But, but... you won't
be jealous of me. Wow.

I mean, I'm not personally jealous,
but it's pretty cool.

It is cool, yeah. It's better than
his dirty pants, isn't it?

Uh, they're clean.

Let's have a look
at Harry Kane's armband.

Here it is. Very cool.
Nicely framed.

Whoa!
It's a quality prize for once.

And maybe if I had
that and I popped it on...

You would be...
Silver Daddy would clean up. Yeah.

Richard, what have you brought in?

This was actually made
by the designer for this show.

Oh. Well, it was a successful show
before I started doing it

called The Crystal Maze.

Ah. But I ran it into the ground.

I didn't want to have
to hold people's hands,

and so I thought, if I have this,
for example...

...I feel OK.

Yeah. And so for me,
this was a very good gift.

But I don't know
that anyone else wants this.

I've got bad news for you, Richard,

because, throughout my childhood,

the present at Christmas
that I coveted the most

is one of those robot
hands on a stick,

and that's pretty close to it.

This is lacquered shut.

If there was a big enough orange,

I might be able
to scoop it up with that, though.

Try. I like it. OK.

Hello, Nina. Hello, Greg.
What have you brought me?

It's a prop from a pilot,
which I made,

which bizarrely didn't
get picked up.

Oh, my God, it's massive!

Whoa...

Oh, my God.

Hello, Greg.

If you think I'm not
jealous of that...

Oh, you're jealous, Greg?

Of course I'm jealous!

I want the giant monkey head.
I want the giant monkey head.

Who doesn't want the giant
monkey head?

Be my silver daddy.

Hello, Chloe. Hi, Greg.

What have you brought me
that I won't be jealous of?

The day I was born,
I was gifted the lovely Lucy,

so I think I'm the first person
in history who,

when I was born,
I became a parent immediately.

This is the lovely Lucy.
Let's see the lovely Lucy.

LAUGHTER, SPLUTTERING

She lives at my parents',

and I have brought a couple
of partners home

and they've both asked
for her eye to be covered.

Maybe, and I'm no expert
in relationships,

but next time you bring
a partner home,

don't show them the doll?

The doll lives in my bed. Oh...

Maybe pop it in a drawer for a night.

What an awful thing that is.

But is it the worst thing?

So it's complicated.
It's the best thing,

but you have to not
be jealous of it.

Go on, then. I...

...am jealous of you
having a giant monkey head.

I want it in my life.

So you get one point.

I would like to be able to have
the option to pick up large oranges

with a wooden hand.

So, Richard, that's two points.
Two to Richard.

I would like, genuinely,
an armband...

That makes you g*y.

...that is signed by the
England captain

and changes my sexuality.

I want that. Three points to Matt.

I do not want a one-eyed doll.

Four points.

Which means...
Well, obviously the last thing

I'm to be jealous
of is Elis James' pants.

So it's five points to Isy Suttie.
Five points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right,
let's get on with the task proper.

OK, and we're off to our location
for the first time,

to the towering heights of the
London Museum of Water

and Steam!

Don't forget the steam!

Hi! Pardon?

I said, "Hi!" Hello, Matt.

Hello, Isy.

Hi. Hello, Richard.

This is nice.

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

How are you feeling? Feeling OK.

I'm going to be a bit
more observant.

You glided down the staircase.
Yeah. Yeah.

Lovely. I'm good at steps, I think.
Yeah.

I like the look of this.
Can of beans?

Maybe. I've got maths revision.

Not my strong suit, maths.

HE SIGHS

"Work out the height of
the tower in baked beans."

"Closest to the
correct answer wins."

"You have ten minutes,
and must smile throughout."

"Your, um..."
"Your time starts now."

My nails are short.
I can't open them.

Is it a bit unnerving,
people smiling?

Is it nice? Not for everyone.

Do you like it?
Do you like this? No.

SHE CHUCKLES

What are you doing? I don't know!

APPLAUSE

Grinning... Beans. ..lunatics.
Uh-huh. Beans. Let's get into it.

Simple one, OK.
First up are Chloe and Matt

with some unintentional
observational comedy.

Can't open the can. OK.

Well, I mean, to be honest,

I don't think I really need
to even open the can.

I mean, because a bean is like that.
Right.

Let's have
a look in the revision just in case.

"Using the right tools
can always make the job easier,

"so make sure you
have the following."

What's all this?
That's a UV pen. Right.

What's this for?

That's a distance measurer.
Is it?

When things are quite far away,
you can see how far away.

Right. Oh, this is the tower.

"Method one walk 15m away
from the building with a pencil

"and leave an object
whose height you know at the base."

That makes no sense.

I just don't think that is right.
OK.

"Measure the tower.
Measure the beans.

"Do some simple mathematics."

Yeah, but it's not easy to
measure a tower.

Why not?

Is there something I'm not doing
that I need to do?

Well, you're smiling a lot.

Where's the calculator?

Oh. It's a scientific one,

cos it's quite hard to measure
the height of a tower.

Why do you keep saying that?
Am I missing something?

LAUGHTER

{\an8}52.5cm there.

Yeah, it's about 90, 98cm.

So then we need to work out
the length of one bean.

I might work out the length
of ten beans.

Sure.
That's going to be easier, isn't it?

And a bean is approximately...

Well, it depends whether you put
the bean like that way or that way.

That way, please.

The answer is...

...75.69.

The tower is 75.69 beans tall.

Yeah. That doesn't sound right,
does it?

Well, I think then that's
probably 198 beans.

How did you get
from the centimetres to the beans?

Well, from my memory
of the height of a bean height.

Right.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oof.

I've been
a fan of yours for so long, Matt,

and it's not until I see that video,

who would have thought you were a
qualified structural engineer? Yeah.

So, are you saying
that that wasn't the tower?

Because I would say that is A tower.

That's A tower. Well, there you go.
I think it would be...

...fairly reasonable to assume that
THE tower was the giant iconic one.

No, and with respect,

f*ck you for that, because...

...because that was a tower.

Matt, did you ever notice THE tower?

No!

Because we very much put
the model of the tower there

so you could use
that to measure the...

It was to scale,
so that was a device... Ah.

And all the maths was to lead you
to measure an enormous building.

I would say also that
Matt was very bad

at measuring the height
of the very small tower.

Is that because he simply guessed
the length of a bean?

Yeah, Chloe said 75.69 beans,
which is pretty much bang on.

Yeah. You said nearly 200 beans.

Yeah, because my beans
were on their side.

It's a cruel, cruel business,
isn't it?

Right. It's time for a break.
Which camera is it?

Which one?

Up there.

Why is it up there?

It's miles away.
I'm going to have to yodel.

See you after the brea-hee-heak!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello.

It's part two of the show

and we're learning
a lot about our competitors.

Yes we are. For example,
some of them are unable

to see enormous towers.

We've asked them to measure
said tower in baked beans.

Closest to the correct
number of baked beans wins.

Next up, it is Nina and Isy.

"Work out the height of the tower."

This one.
Which do you think is the tower?

The big one.

Oh, Alex, is that a tower?

What do you think? Yeah. Yeah.

If that's the tower, it's going
to take so many baked beans.

Yeah, and how many
baked beans is the task.

ISY LAUGHS

So, well, first I'll measure that.

What are you doing?

I'm going to measure the can.
Yeah. Cool.

First things first.
You want it precise, I imagine.

That's 10.5cm.

Can I ask you a question, Nina?

Yeah. What is the task?

You're worried because
I measured the beans, aren't you?

You're worried. A little bit.

This looks really complicated.

"Walk away from the tower
until the pencil

"and tower are the same height
when looking through one eye."

OK.
It's about four pencils from here.

OK, so I need to measure from here.

Now, I wonder if that's to scale?

Does that help? It could be.

{\an8}Well, maybe I'll measure the tower,

{\an8}because then I can work out
what the ratio is.

{\an8}Want me to hold it? Can you take it
to the base of the tower, please?

{\an8}So that is 790.

{\an8}11cm.

{\an8}98.

Where's the calculator.





I think it's 105m.

Great. Convert that to beans
in the next 45 seconds.

Yeah, then I'll be fine.

And now I have to divide
that by 10.5.

Why?
Because that's what a bean can is.

Ah, right.


SHE GROANS



All right, 774 cans of beans.

Is that your final answer?

Let me just make sure
I'm not being stupid.

{\an8}23,780.

{\an8}WHISTLE

{\an8}And how did you come to
that conclusion?

{\an8}Complete guesswork.

Thank you, Alex.
Thank you very much.

I enjoyed that.

SHE GROANS

You can... You can stop smiling now.

SHE SIGHS

Actually, I want to. Weird!

See you later. See ya.

APPLAUSE

You sort of had the grimace of
a serial k*ller for a lot of that,

but I just thought it was adorable
when you went,

"Oh, my God, that's going to
be so many beans!"

But you did
loads of mathematical calculations

and then you just suddenly went,
"Like, 2000 beans?"

Yeah, I know. It's cos Alex was
telling me there was no time left.

Maybe that paid off, though.
We'll see.

Um, you appear quite insistent

that you're going to measure it
in bean cans,

even though he told you it's
to be measured in beans.

Well, there you are.

Nina, I can't believe...

I can't believe you missed
something so obvious.

Next, it is Richard.

"Your time starts now."




Where have you got 200 foot from?

Just out of interest. Nowhere.

It's a guess.

OK.
There's not been a lot of smiling.

How...? Pardon? What? What?

You're what? Six foot?

Yes. Six foot. OK.

So if you're six foot...

Still not a lot of smiling, but...
According to the...

Within this scale,
you're about three centimetres...

Yeah. ..48. So, what, that's 18...

That's about a metre.
Almost exactly.

So 3, 33. 33 times six.

OK, 198... So it's...

It's 200...

That's 200m. No, it's 200 foot.

I guessed correctly?

LAUGHTER

{\an8}Are you measuring a baked bean,
Richard? Yep.

{\an8}Why aren't you smiling?

I am smiling.

LAUGHTER

Can I have a time check, dear Alex?

You've still got five and
a half happy minutes.

Yeah, one and a half, I'd say.


That's a foot. 1.5 into 30.



I'm saying 20 beans to a foot.

That's 200 foot.



If I'm calling the bean 1.5cm,

we can agree
that's as close as we can get...

So I'm saying 2,000...

I'm saying 4,000.

OK, I've written down 4,000 beans.

Not a lot of smiling, but...

You've got a very
culturally specific idea of smiling.

Thank you, Richard. Yep.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a shame
that you made smiling

a cultural matter
in an already fragmented world.

No, it's a Russian smile.

I've just got a splinter
from these cheap chairs.

I think they're metal.

I've got to say, that was one
of the high points of my life.

It was pretty good.

And to be fair to you, you were
clearly joyful about that,

and you didn't smile.

I don't know who I am any more.
Your mouth turned down.

I don't know who I am.
Yeah! It's very hard.

So when you're feeling sad, do you...

I'm feeling sad now.

I'm engulfed with sadness.
Fascinating.

He was engulfed with sadness,

but he randomly guessed
the height of a tower.

Then he got a bit engaged with
the bean height,

and I've got a horrible
feeling he's going to win.

Well, look,
Richard went for 4,000 beans.

The exact answer was this...

ISY GROANS



And if you'd gone
for a smaller bean,

you probably would have got to
that number.

So Nina, whether she goes for cans

or actual beans,


If you convert that to beans,
it would be 3,842.

So you come second, whatever.

Matt, incredibly, is third.

Yeah.
Because he was only 4,900 beans out.

Chloe was 5,022 beans out.

So, you came fourth, cos Isy was...

...18,682 beans out.

Your number was the height of
the Shard in baked beans.

Has Richard ran away with this?

Well, I need to clarify one
thing with you.

Did Richard smile enough for you?

Well, I would have said a hard no,

and I would have disqualified him

if I hadn't seen Richard be joyful

and his mouth actively turn down.

Thank you. So, I must accept that
as Richard's form of happiness.

Thank you. Well, in which case it is

one point to Isy, two to Chloe,
three to Matt,

four to Nina,
but five points to Richard Ayoade!

Seems fair.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see the scores then, shall we?
Sure.

Nina, you're... in last place.

Richard's in first place
with seven points!

It's tight. It's very tight.

Very tight.

On with the next task.

Yes, and here's a toast to
the Taskmaster.

Oh, I don't mind the
look of this at all.

RICHARD SIGHS
Hello, Richard.

Yep?

So there's a task in the bread.

Is there a method that you
would like me to employ

to retrieve the task from the bread?

I feel like you're going to ask me
to not touch the bread,

so I'm just pre-emptively.

You're adding your own rules now.

Great bread shape.
Yeah. Greg did that.

With his teeth?

"Discover a face on a
piece of toast."

"Most astounding identifiable
toast face wins."

"You have 20 minutes
and one loaf of bread."

"And you must not render more than
three slices of bread inedible."

What do you constitute as inedible?

Because that might be different
to what I constitute as inedible.

What do you constitute as inedible?
I'll eat anything.

LAUGHTER

"Your time starts now."

So, when you say discover a face...

"Discover..."

"Discover"?

How much intervention do you
normally expect in a discovery?

What you do pre-discovery
is up to you.

So did you discover
that you had children?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a very grand statement,
"I'll eat anything."

Would you eat anything?

Greg,
I feel like we have this in common.

LAUGHTER

What do you mean?

You accidentally drop a muffin
in a bin - what are you doing?

LAUGHTER

Well, I'd have to assess
the contents of the bin.

But nine times out of ten,

that muffin's coming to daddy.

Ten times out of ten, that
muffin's coming to this daddy.

Right. We must stop again.

After the break, if you thought
seeing Hendrix at Woodstock was good,

we're about to see some
celebrity faces burnt into bread.

RIP, Jimi - your legacy's dead!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back.

It's part three, and we're about to
discover some faces on toast.

Most astounding identifiable
toast face wins,

and this is how our contestants
definitely discovered theirs.

Have we got cheeses in here?
Why do you want cheeses?

I'm gonna make Jesus out of cheeses.

I could try doing Matt Lucas.

I mean, there's a sense
in which that's already Matt Lucas.

Will you come in
and I can draw you?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe Greg's face. OK.

And these can be the glasses.

Maybe he could be wandering
in the mountains or something.

Have you got any glue?
What sort of glue?

Glue glue.

Um, has anyone got any food glue?

What's food glue?

That's your job.

How long have I got left?
Ten minutes.

And you've made some food glue,
is that right?

Yeah. This is food glue.

You're making a few faces here.

Yeah.

So at the end of all this,

are you going to select
the one you think is the most...?

I'm going to select the best.

You know who this is?

OK. Black hair. Eyes. Yes.

Nigel Mansell?

Yeah.

Quite a long face.
It is long. Yeah.

Oh. That's nice, isn't it?

OK, I'm going to discover it.

OK. So I'm going to discover it now.

Alex, did you want a slice of toast?
Oh, I'd love some toast.

Thanks, Chloe. Yeah, sure.

Let me sort that for you.

I think it's ready.

Jesus Christ!

Wow!

Wow. That's amazing.

That looks like a Little Alex Horne.

I think that wins, don't you?

It's pretty strong.

And you've just discovered
that on a piece of toast?

Yeah.

What's here?

I never leave things on top of
the fridge.

It's the face of Greg Davies.

Let's have a look, then.
Who do you want to start with?

I'd like to see Chloe's image
of Christ, please.

Would that have made the news,
do you think?

I feel like there's quite, like,
a well-trodden tradition

of people discovering Jesus's face
in a slice of toast.

Yes.

So I wanted to represent the time
when he was wandering

in the desert for 40 days
and 40 nights.

Oh, that's right.

Because he had a stick body
and a massive head back then.

We don't know. We don't know.
We don't know what he looked like.

But we can reasonably assert

he didn't look like that, can't we?

Who do you want to do next?
Perhaps I could see Isy.

Here you are.

I very much like
the face, but unfortunately,

you've said that that's a
representation of me.

You're smiling. I'm smiling.

You've got a beard made of ham.

I mean, let's face it -

it looks more
like me than Chloe's toast

looked like Jesus.

Let's have a look at Matt's. OK.

Well, Matt, of course, did this.

Me.

Pretty good.

And that looks just like you. Yeah.

It didn't say you can't just draw it
on.

Well, you say I drew it on.

I actually discovered it.

I've got the teeth.
Look, I've got the gap.

OK. Nina, of course, did Matt.

It's a very different technique.

I think it's a purist approach.

It's not far off,
is it? No, I think it's...

No offence, Matt. No, no,

I'll take it. Yeah.

Finally, Richard did a few things.

But you went, in the end,
for Ronald McDonald, of course.

Bang on.

Wallop.

What were the artist's tools?

A lifetime of observation
and a lot of heart.

And icing.

Greg, here are all five toasts.

It's pretty simple for me to score.

Remember, it's astounding

identifiable toast face.

OK. It was the best rhyme.

And it was the biggest idea

in many ways,

but it looks the least like Christ.

Chloe takes one point.

One point to Chloe Petts.

Next up, I will concede
that sometimes my eyes do

look like bulgy Babybels,

but I think it's fair

to give Isy two points.

OK, two to Isy.

Very close - Ronald McDonald.

I don't think it's unfair to say

it doesn't quite capture his essence.

Now, this is tough
because I don't want to insult Matt.

Nina's featureless man on bread
did look a bit like Matt.

I'm glad it's this way round

because otherwise I'd
lose to myself.

Yeah. Matt's going to take it.

Matt gets the five points

because it looked exactly like
Alex Horne.

So four points to Nina,
five points to Matt. It's over.

OK. Right. Done.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Let's move on with the next task, please.

OK, here it comes.

And this one involves
three very special digits.

Shout out to Katniss.

There's not a baby in this pram,
is there?

Not in this weather. Worth checking.

Ah, then my next guess...

Big pram of ba*ls.

Facing this way? No. No?

Can I open it? Yep.

Always look at the back of the task.

Pick a three-digit number
and then do either...

The buggy bounce.

Or Bean's task. Um...

Buggy? Yeah, you won't get
to decide which one you're doing.

The person who picks
and then achieves

the highest number wins.

You have two minutes
to pick your number.

Your time starts now. Yes, please.

But that's got to be nine,
nine, nine.

The highest.



The thing about me
is, I love beans.



What if somebody else goes for 303?



Oh, my God. Does that mean I have
to do 999 bounces?

How many beans do you think is
in a can?

Between 400 and 500.

You reckon? I know.

You do know?

Well, according to Josh Widdicombe.

OK, in which case I'm going full
can.

That's my number. You sure? Yeah.

You've still got 20 seconds.

You lead me astray

with your little doubtful
suggestions.

Thank you.

I'm not listening to you any more.

Do you think you'll win with that?
No.

I don't think I'll win generally.
Right.

There's a sadness in me.

You're not going to win
because there's a sadness in you?

That's what the sadness tells you.
That's the problem.

It's a different character with you
every task.

"You lead me astray
with your suggestion."

Good. Yes.
The only logical one was Richard,

who went
for the lowest possible number.

Congratulations, Richard.

They're going to discover the second
part now.

And a brace of big, beautiful,
bouncing boys up first.

It's Matt and Rich.

Bounce exactly your number of times.

You must be airborne
for a bounce to count.

You have ten minutes.

Oh, boy. That's a lot of bounce,
isn't it?

That's more than one
bounce per second.

I've got asthma.

And I'm overweight and I'm 51.

Bounce exactly your number of times.

Doesn't specify a subject
so I could just bounce something.

You must be airborne so I could...

Hang on. I'll just...



Do you want me to keep you updated
on the time?

Yes, please.

WHISTLE BLOWS

One.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven...

Two.

Three.

Oh, sh*t. I've already lost count.

The speed is good.

That was quite a good one, that.

The holding the trousers is good.

Fresh can. Fresh can. Good.

I'd like to replay now, please.

What, on a monitor? Yes, please.
Right.

One.

Two.

He's never seen something like this
in all his days.

How many? How many bounces? Yeah,
do you reckon?



I think Gary's, um...

Gary's got the look of someone

who knows
that the quota has been exceeded.

But the thing is,

sometimes I'd bounce it,
catch it. But I didn't jump.

That's about 700, I reckon.

Well, you need to do 703.

There you go. Finished it early.
Easy.

So you think you've done a hundred
airborne bounces?

Yeah, dead-on.
It's going to be interesting.

I wouldn't go that far.

That's the end of the time.

Maybe I'm being stupid.

Why did you decide to bounce
a tin of beans on the trampette?

I think somewhere along the line...
Ah-ha.

...I felt I had to bounce a can

of beans at the same time
as being airborne.

It just said bounce
exactly your number.

Yeah. So you did bounce. It didn't
say catch it.

And you had to be airborne
for a bounce to count.

So you made your own rules. Yeah.

The main problem was
that neither man counted.

You bounced increasingly
enthusiastically as that VT went on.

And so my question to you is,
why didn't you count your bounces?

Well, I was too busy bouncing,

but just because I didn't count
doesn't mean I didn't do it.

Well, it does because I counted. Ah.

You went for 703.
You bounced 681 times.

Well, that's not bad! Come on!

Well, let's talk about your 100.

- So I can tell you.
- Gary and I
counted that you did 105 bounces.

Yeah, you see, you went over, mate.

But a bounce wouldn't count
if he wasn't airborne.

These are the non-bounces Gary and I
found.

You've got eight minutes ten seconds
left.

I'd like to replay now, please.

So he actually did exactly 100.

Shut the fridge!

Wow.

Well played. OK, it's break time.

Who will wake up tomorrow with a pair
of Isy Suttie's husband's pants?

And you thought being at
the '66 World Cup was exciting!

Give it up, Hurst.

Your legacy is dead!

Hi. Hello. Here we are, then.

It's part four of four,

and there's a buggy bounce

or beans task that needs
to be brought to completion.

Yeah. Keep keeping it real, G-Man.

The person that picks the biggest
number and then achieves it wins.

We're going to see one more attempt
now,

and let's hope I say this right.

Can Conte count?

Good stuff. It's Nina.

Leave exactly your number of ba*ls
in the buggy.

sh**t. How long again?

You've got ten minutes. OK,
let's be methodical.

You're being methodical.

OK, this is the important counting
now.

Shut up!

You've still got six minutes 25.

I mustn't get excited now.

No. There's one there.

I'm really worried
that boy fell out.

OK, so you think you've either got


It's in the lap of the gods.

Yeah.

I mean, I just thought it
was pretty impressive.

She counted the ba*ls
onto the trampette

and then counted them back in again.

Exactly. You went for 199

and you managed to put
in and leave in...

...199 ba*ls.

She nailed it. Wow.
Well done, Nina.

Yeah. So far in the lead.

Time for the final two attempts.

And what do you get
if your cats are stuck up a chimney?

Oh, it's SUTTIE PETTS.

What I was hoping was

that I could decide
what the tasks were.

That would be useful, wouldn't it?
Yeah.

Can I look at the back of them?

Yeah. Which task would you like?

Beans.

Eat exactly your number
of baked beans in ten minutes.

Your time starts on the whistle.

Beam me up, baby. Good luck, Chloe.

Your ten minutes starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK. Right. I was born for this.

Are you counting? No.

One, two, three.

I wasn't expecting this method.

What were you expecting?

Nine minutes.

This is going to be touch and go.

There's a lot of snow on this tray.

And you know what they say...

...you should never eat orange snow.

There's a kind of rhythm to it now,
isn't there?

Yeah.

Just to break things up a bit
I'm gonna eat a hundred beans just

to kind of feel
like I've got somewhere.

Sure.
And then I'm gonna do the eight.

We don't want to have to worry
about that.

Yeah. Do you want to verify that
that is...?

No, I can see that.

That's 108 beans.
Yeah. I'm worried about the time.

Make sure they all go in.

We're getting you a napkin.
I don't need one.

OK.



When I get to my age,
I'll have a break.







We're the same age. Yeah.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten.

Are you the brightest person
in your year?

No. There's a boy called Xavier.

I would have tried to snog him
if I was at your school.

Because I had a quest to snog a boy
for every letter of the alphabet.

And there were no Xs is in my
school.



Who was Z? Zach.

Here we go. You're gonna be right
up against it now.

Four minutes 20 to eat another 200.

That was a boy called Matt
at my school we used to call,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Because he said yeah,
yeah, yeah, all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I counted him as Y.

Can you count how many piles there
are for me, please?

Eight. You've got two and a
half minutes.

We're doing all right,
but it's tight.

Let's go in twos now. Two.

That'll be 308 beans.

I need to go. 30 seconds.

Come on, Chloe.

Pretty confident?

I'd say 93% confident.

Imagine if I'd had to eat all of
them ba*ls.

That would have been bad.
OK, thank you.

Oh, my God.

Quite different bean-eating systems

you've got going, haven't you?

Fairly demure c*ck stick system.

And then there's a
snowy-haired Chloe Petts

ramming them in like a bear.

I want to dig into the snog system.

You attempted to snog a boy...
For every letter of the alphabet.

And how many letters did you get?


Did you go in order? No, no,
but it meant we always had to ask.

So, like, we'd be like,
"What's your name?

"What's your name?"
And then write it down.

And then you were like Chloe
Petts eating beans on them, were you?

So Isy was aiming for 220.
She didn't really count.

She chatted a lot.
She ate 265 beans.

So unfortunately,
you exceeded your number,

whereas Chloe Petts - aiming for


Shall we see the nation
behind Chloe?

Yeah. Here we go.

Come on, Chloe!

The nation is behind me.
I can feel it.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.

Chloe Petts ate 409 baked beans .

Oh!

I knew that day you were
going to mug me off.

I can't believe it.

See, that's why people don't like
you.

We've all felt it, haven't we?

Yeah. But that's the way I felt, too.

I was so sure. But... But...

But we're slightly different.

Because you didn't have any right
to feel that. I am...

What this means is

that with his 100 weird bounces of
a baked bean tin,

Richard gets four points
and Nina gets five points.

Wow. The rest - zero.

All right.

Let's have a quick look at the
scores, please, Alex.

Yes, sure. Well, in the lead -

joint leaders - it's Nina and
Richard on 14 points.

Everybody, please make your way to
the stage

for the final task of the show.

So, baby boy,
who's going to read the task?

Well, I think Nina Conti should read
the task.

Get to the centre spot first.

On the horn, hold up a paddle

to indicate which contestant
cannot progress.

You may only move forward
if your colour isn't chosen.

You may converse between horns.

First to the centre
gets five points,

second gets three points,
third gets one point.

No-one else gets any points.

Thanks, Nina. And now explain. Yeah!

So Greg's going to honk his horn.

When he does so you have to hold
up one colour from your paddles.

If your colour on your sash

is held up,
you can't take a step forward.

If your colour is not,
you can take one step forward.

Any questions?

Yes? May we keep the paddles
after the task?

Yes. You can keep

that with your belt
from the first episode.

Yes, Matt? Yeah,
I'm not colour-blind,

but what if I was?

I think it would add a frisson to
the game.

May we? I'm ready, yes.

Three, two, one.

{\an8}OK, so orange is blocked.
Blue is blocked.

{\an8}Red is blocked. But Matt Lucas

{\an8}may take a step forward,
as can Nina Conti.

{\an8}OK. Oh! That's how it works.

{\an8}Yellow is blocked.
Red and orange are blocked,

{\an8}but green
and blue may take a step forward.

{\an8}What the f*ck, guys?

{\an8}You didn't block them either.

{\an8}Yeah, because he voted against me.

{\an8}I don't know why.

{\an8}I did it by mistake!

{\an8}I'm not choosing colours because
I don't like persecuting people.

{\an8}Yes, I'm doing blind lifting.

{\an8}OK, only orange may step forward.

{\an8}Everyone but Chloe is off the mark.

{\an8}Richard, you've blind voted

{\an8}against me every time.

{\an8}I don't know.

{\an8}I'm shuffling very randomly.

{\an8}I don't even look at them.

{\an8}This is how you're shuffling.

{\an8}One, two, three, four.

{\an8}It goes back to the same one.

{\an8}Orange and yellow. I'm gonna put...

{\an8}Chloe, I'm going to put this one

{\an8}under my arm this time.

{\an8}All right? Thank you.

{\an8}That means a lot.

{\an8}Red takes a step forward,

{\an8}as does blue.

{\an8}What's the point of talking?

{\an8}Whoever gets to the middle

{\an8}first gets five.

{\an8}No, not what's the point of the
game. Right.

{\an8}What's the point of talking? Like...

{\an8}You could intimidate people,
wrong-foot people.

{\an8}OK. Yeah.

{\an8}Hey, none of you know
what I'm going to do.

{\an8}So just Chloe takes a step forward.

{\an8}So yellow and blue may take a step
forward.

{\an8}Blue again.

{\an8}He's just two away

{\an8}from the centre spot.

{\an8}Shall we all go blue?

{\an8}Yeah. Oh, well,
only one of us needs...

{\an8}Only one of us needs... No, no, no.

{\an8}But if we all go blue,
then we all get a step. Yes!

{\an8}And this is what we've been

{\an8}hoping for all along!

{\an8}We don't all get a step because

{\an8}I've got to put one up.

{\an8}Oh, yeah. And who will that be?

{\an8}You all take a step forward

{\an8}except for Richard and Chloe.

{\an8}Orange and red have taken

{\an8}a step forward.

{\an8}This is exciting.

{\an8}OK. So green and red

{\an8}take a step forward.

{\an8}They're all in the same spot.

{\an8}We could have just started here.

{\an8}They're going.

{\an8}So it's orange and red.

{\an8}Whoa.

{\an8}This could change everything. Yes.

{\an8}HORN BLASTS

{\an8}So it's yellow

{\an8}takes a step forwards.

{\an8}Oh my... Joining Isy and Chloe

{\an8}on the precipice.

{\an8}Feel the rush!

{\an8}We have blue and we have orange

{\an8}taking a step forward.

{\an8}Oh, my. Oh! We have a winner!

Stay there! The rest stay there!

{\an8}Isy takes five.

{\an8}Who's going to take three points?

{\an8}OK. Which means green

{\an8}takes a step forward.

{\an8}That's you, Nina.

{\an8}You join them on the precipice.

{\an8}Yellow takes a step forward.

{\an8}Matt Lucas gets three points. Yeah!

{\an8}So this is it.

{\an8}Who's going to get

{\an8}the final point of the game?

{\an8}Red takes a step forward.

{\an8}Chloe Petts gets one point.

Whoa, whoa.

Back it off.

Well done. Come down.

We'll add that to the final score.

Well, well, well. Mm.

Turned out to be more exciting than
any of us thought.

Richard and Nina were
in the lead with 14 points.

They are still
in the lead with 14 points.

But joining them is Matt Lucas
on 14 points.

We have a three-way tie. Whoa!

And for this tie-break,
they just had to

guess the temperature of the liquid
in the flask.

Easy. Closest wins.

Here's how they all got on.

All right. Urgh!

What have you done?

Why so greasy? It's Greg's.



I would... if I had to guess...



No, no, no. 80... 82.

About 40.

The actual temperature was
the ideal temperature for a hot tub.

That's 40 degrees Celcius.

So Richard Ayoade wins the episode!

Please go gather and tag
the things I don't care about.

So what have we learned today?

Well, we've learned that sometimes
you can overthink things.

Sometimes you can just look
at a tower and guess its height.

Sometimes you can just tip out

the ba*ls from a pram
and pop them back in.

Life can be as easy as A, B, C.

Or as Isy calls it,
Alan, Barry, and Colin.

We've also learned that our winner
of episode two is Richard Ayoade!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE