13x07 - Guest of Dishonor

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you !@#$%* kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we are sitting in
a box truck at Low Tide Motors,

where we're posing
as night Watchmen,

but good news, fellas --
our shift is coming to an end.

And when the next
hired watchmen comes

to relieve us
of our shift,

we'll linger awkwardly
in the truck

and have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse anything,
you lose.

Uh, fellas,
this truck is disgusting.

Q: Yeah,
we made it disgusting.

Sal: There should also be
a pillow and blanket in there.

Yeah,
there is a pillow and blanket.

-Yeah.
- Nice. Nice touch.

Yeah,
you were sleeping.

That's your little home.
-I got it.

Oh, here we go, Murr.

-So hop in the driver's seat.
-I'll be here.

-Here we go.
-Somebody's inside the car.

-Hey, buddy.
-Hm?

I came to relieve you.

Sal:
"I'm not in the mood, hon."

I'm not in the mood, hon.
I'm not in the mood.

No, no, no. I'm not here
to do nothing for you.

Oh, my God.

"You must be Chonk."

You must be Chonk.
It's nice to meet you.

I'm Abbas.
Chonk just led me here.

-Chonk!
-Oh, I'm sorry.

He's calling Cole Chonk.

Open the door.
Come on in.

Come on in.
Come on, come on.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man.

It just -- Let me --

-You ate all this !@#$%*
-Yeah, it was a 12-hour shift.

You understand?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Let me just get this stuff
out of here.

I'll -- I'll --
What I'll do, I'll leave the --

"Are you gonna finish those?"

Are you -- Are you gonna
finish those, or...?

-You want some?
-Yeah, man. Yeah, I'm starving.

He didn't even
open them yet.

I feel relieved
that you're here.

Ain't nobody bother you?

"There was some sort of

Hells Angel kerfuffle
at 2:00 A.M."

At like 2:00 A.M.,
there was some sort of,

like, Hells Angel kerfuffle.

A kerfuffle's a fight,
a scuffle?

It was a kerfuffle.

There's like a, uh --
There's like a --

Yeah, there was definitely,
like, a Hells Angel kerfuffle,

but it's -- you know, I mean,
look, we get paid to sit here.

It's not bad.
There's a nice breeze.

"It's bigger
than my apartment."

I mean, this cab is actually
bigger than my apartment, man.

"Studio apartment
of a friend..."

It's, like, a studio apartment
of a friend of mine...

"...and I-I live in a cage
in that."

...and in -- in --
in my friend's apartment,

in that small studio,
the cage I'm in is even smaller.

-Oh, wow, wow.
-Yeah, like I say, yeah.

So you're in a studio
of a studio?

I'm in a cage in a studio
of a studio.

Will you show me
your apartment?
Yeah, my apartment.

Look, let me show you
how my !@#$%* look.

You have a bathroom?

A bathroom.

"I have to go to, like,
Barnes & Noble

to do all my duke.
-I-I-I-I have to go

to, like, the Barnes & Noble
to do my duke.

Get out of here.

"What's your number?"

What's your number?

-What's my number?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Here we go.
-My number is --

-See my name?
-Spell it letter-by-letter,

and then --
then go, "Chonk."

A-B-B-A-S. Oh. Chonk.

-No, I'm not Chonk.
-You're Chonk.

-I'm not Chonk.
-You're Chonk.

No. No, I'm not.
My name is Abbas.

What is your number, though?
It's...

Sal: Put it in
"Chonk from the van."

Okay.

"C-H-O-N-K from...the...van."

-Stop putting "Chonk."
-What?

He's getting annoyed.

Finally.

"Everything's gonna change
for me.

I got a job interview
at 3:00 today."

Uh, everything's gonna change
for me, though, man.

I got a job interview
at, uh -- at 3:00 today.

-3:00?
-Oh !@#$%*

Oh, sh**t, man.
I'm late.

We have Dan Cast
standing by

to take this interview
with you, buddy

Hello.
It's, uh, me, James.

Uh, I'm sorry, I'm a few minutes
late for the job interview.

Dan: That's --
That's okay, James.

Tell me, why do you
want to work here?

"I currently live in a cage.
I want to get out of it."

I-I-I'll be honest
with you, Dan.

You'll, uh --
I currently live in a cage,

a-and -- and I got to, uh,
travel 27 minutes on a bus

to get to Barnes & Noble
every day to duke.

D-Duke. Uh, to duke, to --
you know, to drop deuce.

Number --
-"The royal duke."

The royal duke.
The -- The royal duke.

To, uh -- to dookie.

It's a human thing.
To dookie.

You do -- I'm sure you dookie
two or three times a day

To -- To dookie.

To -- To dookie.

Dan: Uh, James,
we'll get back to you.

Uh, thanks...

You got -- You got enough?

I get reference--
Oh, he hung up.

I think that went well.

-What's your name?
-Mario.

-Hey. Edward.
-Edward.

-Nice to meet you.
-Pleasure.

Alright,
so I'll just hang in here?

-Yeah.
-Alright.

Murr: Sneak up
on the other side of the car

and pop up
from the window, okay?

If it's okay
if I just sit in --
Oi!

I didn't mean to scare you.

Your first, uh, day
on the job here?

Yeah.

"I brought doughnuts
on my first day."

Yeah, I --

I brought doughnuts
on my first day.

-Okay.
-Mm.

-Knicks fan?
-Knicks fan? Yes, sir.

The city for a month
was just so much fun.

We planted a Bible there
in the car.

Flip open the Bible to any page
and read the passage.

I-I was reading.
I read the Good Book.

Yeah.

And there was a --
there was a passage in here.

"Who does not feel inflamed with
love for Jesus, who shed it?"

"But the Knicks
really used their bench, huh?"

But, yeah, I mean,
you had Shamet off the bench

just draining threes.
-I was gonna say,

I saw Alvarado guarding Wemby.
-Yeah.

Oh, my God. This really
reminds you of another passage.

-Yeah yeah.
-It was unbelievable.

"Holy Virgin Mary."

This reminds me of this passage,

"Accept this Holy Rosary,

which I offer you
to show my love for you

and firm my confidence
in your powerful intercession."

Back to the Knicks.

Now, Jordan Car-- Clarkson
off the bench also came in

and provided a little bit
of a shake-up.

If you remember,
in that game, it was --

that was wicked.

And speaking of wicked,
"Bless us, O Lord.

Um, we give you thanks for
all your benefits, Almighty God.

\Spur us. Spur us..."
As in San Antonio Spur us.

"...to renew our cities as
you renew the Earth in spring."

"God, I wish
you brought doughnuts."

And, God, I wish
you brought doughnuts.

It's your first day.
People usually bring doughnuts.

"But Most Glorious Virgin
made flesh."

"You know, Mario,
last night,

one of those prostit*tes
was hanging around the truck."

Oh, my God. Last night,
I came in on the 4:00 shift,

so one of those prostit*tes
pulled up

on the side of the truck.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-"Pretty lady."
-Pretty lady. Pretty lady.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

"You know they charge more
when they have ba*ls now?"

You know that...

Really?
She came right up?

You know -- You know
they charge more -- more

when they have ba*ls now?

"Back in my day,
those were half price."

Back in my day, they had ba*ls,
it was half price.

"Anyway,
she helped pass the time."

Anyway...

so she helped --

yeah, she helped me
pass the time.
Hm.

"What prost*tute's !@#$%*
do I got to !@#$%*

to get a doughnut?"

God damn it.

What prost*tute's !@#$%*
do I have to !@#$%*

to get a doughnut?

Ah!
Look at his -- look!

I can't believe you said it.

"Mario, sit on my lap."

No, no.

He's out. He's out.

-So you don't mind if I stay?

Murr: Well, you might
have noticed that we, uh --

we put a pee bottle
in front of the --

the steering wheel there.

It was the, uh, first thing
I noticed when I got in the car.

By the way,
there's not one pee bottle.

There's five pee bottles.

So at some point,
I want you

to drink from
the wrong bottle, okay?

-Aw.

-So this is our -- your truck.
-Yeah, yeah.

Is that a woman?
I hear a woman's voice.

-Oh, it's a woman.
-It is. It is.

Why do you guys do this to me?

Q: Are they here?

Is that a woman?
I hear a woman's voice.

-Oh, it's a woman.
-It is. It is.

Why do you guys do this
to me?

Uh,
this is Zuleyka.

Hey, alright. Great.

Thanks, Chonk.

Uh, I was here overnight,
and it was quiet.

-It was nice.
-Yeah?

Are we near
Red Hook Lobster Pound?

Yes, actually,
it's like three blocks that way.

Yeah.
-Shut up.

Don't -- Don't --
Don't speak anymore.

She told you to shut up.

'Cause, yeah,
I haven't eaten lunch.

I should've taken chips.

Do you know
what the party is?

Like, I know
it's a fashionista or --

Oh, you said shut up.
I'm okay to talk?

Oh.

Oh, I didn't know
If you wanted me --

-I -- I -- I --
-Did I say that? I'm sorry.

Yeah, you said, "Shut up,"
the lobster thing,

and I was like, "Oh, oh."

Collect those piss bottles,
buddy.

-Sorry, I just --
-Yeah. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry about this,
by the way.

What's that?

Yeah, put them all
together up front.

That's nothing.
I'll -- I'll get rid of that.

I'll take them with me.
Don't worry about that.

That's nothing to worry about
there.

-Yeah, there's no --

"I got rid of the bag."

-No way.
-Yeah, I got rid of the bag.

No -- Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
There's another one.

Yeah.

"You know, you remind me
of a type of fish."

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,
you remind me of a type of fish.

You ever get that?

I remind you
of a type of fish?

Yeah, yeah.

What type of fish?
What did you get?

-What do you get?
-Like a goldfish?

No, not a goldfish.

-Koi? Uh...
-Koi, no.

It's like a -- you know --

Sal: "You look like a cod.
A big cod."

A c--

A what?

A cod.
Do you know a cod?

-Wait.
-Yeah.

-Is that a diss?
-No.

Accidentally drink
the piss.

Fish? A cod?

-I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go --
-Yeah.

When they come pick me up,
I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go...

Is she gonna...

Oh, no!

No. My dude, no.

Rinse your mouth out.

Like...gurgle.

-Mm. Mm-hmm.
-Do that, yeah.

-Yeah, spit that sh*t.

- Oh, my God.

Do you have gum?
I don't think I have gum.

-Oh.
-Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

I did it a second time.

I did it a second time.

-Oh, my God.
-Why did you do that?

What's the matter with you?

-Oh, God.
-Ah, are you okay?

I'm freaking out the cod.

Oh.

I don't look like cod.

Narrator:
Back the truck up.

Sal's first up
on the loser board.

Today,
we're under arrest,

and we're gonna be led out
of Tompkins Square Bagels

by "the authorities."

And as we're being perp-walked
through the store,

we'll have to deliver
an embarrassing monologue

that's been given to us
by the other guys.

After that monologue,

you have to try
and start a chant going

with everybody
in the store.

And if nobody joins
your chant, you lose.

Alright, fellas.

Q: Alright, Murr.

I'm just letting you know
in advance

so you can warm up
your throat.

You're gonna try and get people
to sing along with you.

That's easy.
People love to sing.

-Here's the cops.
-Uh-oh.

Alright, buddy.
Time's up.

-Excuse me.
-You're coming with us.

Remove your hand from me.

"The persecution of the meek
has begun."

The persecution of the meek
has begun.

What is going on here?
Let go of me.

Is this how you get your kicks?
Arresting an innocent man?

I've done nothing wrong.
I've done nothing wrong.

They're unbothered.

I mean,
completely unbothered.

You, film this.
You put this on camera.

Remain si--
-Let's go.

You remain silent.

Shoes are off.
Shoes are off.

Finoia, say, "You !@#$%*
on the sidewalk, dude."

Shouldn't !@#$%*
on the sidewalk, bro.

What?

Let go of me.

-This bit will not work.
-What is going on?

No,
'cause I-I have no intention

of being that physical.

You see how they treat me?

Is this how we treat
an American? No.

Okay, Mur, stop resisting.
Try to get everybody to sing.

Everyone, join me.
Join me in song.

♪ Mine eyes have seen
the glory ♪

♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lo-- ♪

Sing with me.
-"Does nobody want to sing?"

Not one person is singing.

♪ Glory, glory, halle-- ♪

Sing with me.

I've done nothing wrong.

-His body --
-I've done nothing.

I didn't think I was gonna
see the bottom of his feet.

♪ Glory, glory, halle-- ♪

Sing, you --
-Come on, pal.

Literally,
not a single person cared.

I can't play this game
in New York, bro.

What do I fancy?

Q: Alright, send in
Officer Finoia, I guess.

I got eyes on him.

-Uh-oh. He's spotted him.
-No, no.

-Guys, please.
-Nah, let's go.

Guys. Please, guys.

Oh.
"I will not be arrested
by a couple of virgins."

I will not be arrested
by a couple of virgins.

"Oh,
the piggy wants to speak."

Oh, the piggy wants to speak
now?

The piggy has the conch?

Speak, piggy. Speak.

Please, sir. No.

"Oh, if you're so tough,
kiss me on the lips."

You -- Oh,
you're a big, tough man.

If you're so tough,
kiss me on the lips.

Kiss me on the lips,
if you're so tough.

I think not.

"When the inevitable cavity
search rears its ugly head..."

Nobody cares.

When the inevitable
cavity search happens...

-"...I say, be a man."
-"...I say be a man."

-Nobody cares.
-"Use no glove."

Use no glove.
Come in me as you are.

What is the crime?

For what?
What is the crime?

You body-slammed
a child.

You body-slammed a child,
guy.

Oh, please.

"That boy magician pretended
a scarf had no end."

That boy magician pretended
a scarf had no end.

Get a "lock up the child"
chant going, Sal.

Go ahead.

Lock the child up!

Lock the child up!

She's laughing,
but it's silent.

No one gives a !@#$%*

Three losses
coming up.

Um, okay, and then,
what's my crime?

You hit seniors
with a hose.

You're lucky
I don't have my hose, sir.

I like to spray people
with my hose.

Alright,
let's send in the cops.

-Let's go.
-Buddy, let's go.

Oh-h*-h*.

Get your claws off me,
piggies.

-Let's go.
-Buddy, let's go.

Q: Oh-h*-h*.

We've danced this dance before,
inspectors.

Bravo.

Get your claws off me,
piggies.

"This is exactly what happened
to Jesus."

This is exactly what happened
to Jesus.

Oh, you, sir, are lucky
I don't have my hose.

"This is a sham.
This is a kangaroo court."

This is a kangaroo court.

"The kangaroos want to
chop off my testicles."

Something about my testicles.

"The kangaroos...

The kangaroos --"

Start to chant,
"Something about my testicles."

-Come on. Come on
-Can someone chant,

"Something about my testicles"?

Something about my testicles!

-Something about your testicles!
-Something about my testicles!

Who's doing that?
Who's doing that?

-Something about my testicles!

-Something about my testicles!
-Something about my testicles!

Q:
Something about my testicles!

Ah! She's chanting!

Can't believe I got
a thumbs-up!

She chanted. You won.

You son of a b*tch.

He got it. What?

Narrator: Mur and Sal
couldn't manifest a win,

so Sal is tonight's big loser.

Well, dearly beloved,
Sal lost.

and we're here
at the beautiful Crystal Plaza

for his punishment.

It's also the wedding
of Ali and Dominic.

Now, Ali and Dominic
are in on it,

but what their wedding guests
don't know

is that there's
a special visitor tonight,

the one and only
Aunt Sally.

Come on in, Sal.

Oh, I can't wait
to see this.

Oh. Oh, my God.

-Oh!
-Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

You do not look
like yourself.

Look at the t*ts on him.

I was just in a chair
for four hours.

I told myself
for the first time --

I had a glimpse in the mirror

eight seconds
before I walked out,

and I've never practiced
an accent at all.

I have no idea what to do.

I think I'm gonna have
the chateaubriand.

Um, on a plate.
Thank you.

Deejay: Friends and family
make as much noise as you can.

Here we go.
Let's meet our groomsmen.

Let's go, boys.

Deejay: Let's get you
and your mother, Nancy,

out here to the dance floor.

Big round of applause for Mom.

Let's go, b*tch.

Do a little air guitar,
Sal.

Deejay: Ladies and gentlemen,
once again,

big round of applause --
Nancy and Dom.

You can all find your seats
at your tables.

Lynette,
she's known her forever.

Sal, pour more wine
into your glass.

Grab the bottle.
Pour more wine.

Let's go.

-Let's go tonight, guys.
-Aw, yeah, yeah.

Come on, now.

I'm not gonna be shy with it.

Get out of here.

Get some more.

Get the -- Go get some more.

"I'm so happy
Ali found a man

that'll put up with
her incessant prattling.

And I'm happy for Ali, too,
that she -- she found someone,

you know, that -- just someone
that would put up

with her...um...

incessant prattling.

Q: Sal, ask
what they all gave.

Can I ask you a question?
How much did you give?

Take money
out of the envelope

for the bride and groom.

You said you did 400?

Okay.
-So take the money out.

Let him see you
take money out.

Woman: ...supported each other.
You've loved each other.

Thanks, guys.

So we all know
this is a long time coming.

"Who dis?"

You are everything
we hoped you guys would be.

Who dis now?

Sal, keep kind of loudly,
uh, saying, "Mm. Mm-hmm."

It has been an honor
and a joy...

Mm.

to watch you two
not only grow up...

-Mm-hmm.
-...but grow together.

Mm-hmm.

Can everyone raise
their glasses?

Q:
Check that purse, pal.

Oh, there's Tupperware
in there,

so do me a favor
and start putting food in there

to take home for later.

-The guy's looking.
-He is.

-The guy's looking.

The guy's staring at you.

Look at his face.
Look at his face.

He's --
He's cracking up.

He's turned away
and laughing hysterically.

And the wife is laughing
hysterically.

Woman:
Please raise your glasses
with me to Ali and Dom.

To the Pedones.

Sal, what do you think
the odds are

that you have to give
a speech?

It's in your purse,
buddy.

It's folded up in there.
We wrote it for you.

You're the next speech,
buddy.

Are you serious?

-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

Cheers.

Oh, my God, Sal.

Deejay: One more time,
friends and family.

-Do I go now?
-Yeah.

Go now. Go now.

Deejay: We actually have
one more last-minute speech.

Oh, my God.

Your attention as we pass the
microphone over to Aunt Sally.

Oh, my God.

Let me start by saying
I was asked not to speak today.

Uh, but hearing...

Murr: You're the next speech,
buddy.

Let me start by saying
I was asked not to speak today.

Uh, but hearing...

Sorry. I'm nervous.

...hearing how lame
the other...speeches were,

I couldn't let it end
on that note.

Um, Aunt Sally to the rescue.
So let's begin.

In the name of the Father, the
Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.

Dominic, Alexandra,

a lot of people
doubted your relationship,

and you proved every single one
of them wrong so far.

Let's get a round of applause
for that.

Q:
Look at this woman.

Oh, my God.

Okay, zip it.

I said zip it.

- Oh.
-Ali, girl, you look stunning.

And when I first met you,

something about the lighting...

...made you look Chinese.

When I first met the groom,
I said, "Nuh-unh."

"He's playing
for the other team."

But sure enough, he's
straighter than a totem pole.

I guess Aunt Sally got to
recalibrate her gaydar.

Dominic, may you always be
the man in your house,

provide for your family,
defend their honor,

discipline with impunity.

Your word is final.

Ali, do what you must
to keep this handsome man.

Spoil him.

Cook like a nonna.

Clean like an elf.

And...

ride him like a racehorse
to his -- keep his blinders on.

Us women don't age like men.

Believe that.
It's just different.

Look, I'm a bit old-fashioned
when it comes to wedding nights.

There's nothing more important
than consummating the marriage.

So now, Ali,
I know you don't want to,

but I really hope
Dominic makes you come...

...to your senses about it.

Oh, my God.

So let's raise a glass
to this beautiful couple.

Cheers.

Wow.
Aunt Sally won them over.

Deejay: Let's get all of
the single women here tonight

out here to the dance floor
for our bouquet toss.

So, Sal, we planted
a stunt double on the floor.

When the bouquet is tossed,
take the stunt lady down.

Aunt Sally's getting that
bouquet no matter what, baby.

Stand next to that woman
in the blue dress.

That's your stunt lady, Sal.
Take her down.

Deejay: Here we go.

One...

two...

three!

Ow.

You got the flowers,
buddy.

I'm next. I'm next.

Get out on that dance floor,
and cut a rug, buddy.

It's time for fun.

Yay!

-Whoo!

Shake those big, old...

Hey.

♪♪