02x01 - Blessings

[bunniefuu]

♪ Nothing from nothing
leaves nothing ♪

♪ You gotta have something
If you wanna be with me ♪

♪ Nothing from nothing
leaves nothing ♪

♪ You gotta have something
If you wanna be with me ♪

Whoa, this has gotta stop.

- Yeah, no, no, no.

- What?
- Phoebe!

Keep Peppy back there.

Berlin, you stay here with Peppy,
darling, I'll be right back.

Berlin, you stay here with Peppy,
darling, I'll be right back.

Are those dog treats?

No, they're not.

They're... mine.

Don't eat it.

This is harassment now, guys.

I'm gonna have to call the cops.

Oh, come on, mate. He's our dog.

Not anymore he's
not, mate. Wake up.

What is wrong with you?

Sorry, this is harassment now.

Yeah, I just told 'em.

- We're calling the police.
- Yeah, no, I told them all this.

- I didn't hear that, did I?
- Just don't...

Can you please just give
him back? We really...

- We made a mistake.
- Please.

No, sorry. You gave him
to us two weeks ago.

You can't just have him back.

We changed our
minds an hour later.

Yeah, one hour or one
minute, doesn't matter, mate.

- Possession is
nine-tenths of the law.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's the law, is it, mate?

Yeah, the law.

Pretty big part of
society, mate. Look it up.

Well, maybe I'll look
you up at the same time.

- Maybe I'll look you
up as well, you...

- Yeah?

- I'll look you up! Big time, mate!
- Okay.

Peppy is happy.

- He is a part of our family.
- I'm sorry,

but Peppy is the lamest name for
a dog I've ever f*ck' heard.

Well, you really shouldn't say "sorry"
and then follow it up with an insult.

Well, no, I guess I'm saying
I feel sorry for you...

Oh, you don't have
to feel sorry for me

because you are stalking
families in playgrounds.

We're not stalking you. This
is a f*ck' public place.

We're not stalking you. This
is a f*ck' public place.

- It's a free country.
- You're a joke. You're a joke.

Would you stop? Why don't
you grow up and have a baby?

- I don't want a baby.
- Ladies!

- Look at you!
- What is that supposed to mean?!

No, no, no, no, no... arguing

on such a beautiful day as this.

No. You must smile.

And you gentlemen,
that's your job.

Do not let these ladies
frown like this, right?

- Ugh...
- Enjoy this moment and every moment.

Blessings!

- Whatever, mate.
- Yep. Blessings.

We're not getting
anywhere with this.

- Look, how about this, all right?
- Yeah.

- Oh my God!

Happy, mate?

I'm so sorry, but as I
told you on the phone,

we're very busy here.

- Mm. Did Yvette get the...
- Dr Yvette.

Did Dr Yvette get the
letter that we sent through?

It just basically says ra-ra-ra,
we're the owners, if she could sign...

She's aware of the letter.

- Great.

If she could just sign that...

This isn't Dr Yvette's problem.

You gave the dog away.

Possession is
nine-tenths of the law.

No one talks about the
other tenth though, do they?

Actually, if you could just
get us a copy of the receipt

for the surgery we paid for...

Oh yeah!

That would be really helpful.

$12,000.

It's probably better
than a letter.

We already issued a receipt.

No, I know you did,
but I don't have it.

That's a shame.

Not really because you have a record
of it here and you can print it for us

It's our policy not
to reissue receipts.

- Why?
- It's since COVID.

Why?

Which I didn't get.

- Mm, everyone had... probably had it.
- Doesn't matter.

- You just didn't know you were sick.
- We're getting off-track.

Is this a personal thing because
Yvette and I were together at one...

Shh!

Oh, f*ck.

There will be no letter.

There will be no receipt.

You know what?

Good.

- I don't care. f*ck this.
- Yeah.

Can I just... so sorry.

Are you going on a
break soon, or...?

- No.
- Have you just been on one?

No.

Why the f*ck have you got
sunglasses on your head?

You're a psycho.

I mean, do we even
need a pet? You know?

It is a bit of a handbrake.

Like, we should just be able to,

you know, fly to Rome
at a moment's notice.

- Do you want to go to Rome?
- Sure.

I mean, we're not, but...

Yeah, 'cause you
don't have any money.

No, I know. I mean, you
couldn't get time off anyway.

I could ask for it.

No, that's just an example of
what we could do without a dog.

You know what though?
Mum. Mum could take him.

No. I don't want to... No.

- What?

- I wouldn't want to
leave him with Lee.

They broke up.

And he's not gonna f*ck a dog.

Well, we're not going to Rome!

You guys going or... what?

- Oh, ah, no, no, we're not...
- Yeah, no, we can head off.

- Well, no, where are we going?
- I don't know.

Guys, I'm running late.

Are you? Well, how's
that our problem?

- Gordon.
- What?

So, are you going or not?

No, mate, we're not
going. Read the room!

Oh, okay. Oh, wow.

- Arsehole. Yup.
- Move along.

I said you could have...

Well, I said she could have it.

She's an arsehole.

You're an arsehole.

- She's running late.

Again, how is that our problem?

Modern life, man.

Yeah, we have modern
life right here.

We're all good
though, aren't we?

Yeah.

- I just didn't get the Rome thing.
- Oh, forget about Rome.

I've got an idea.

Uh, hello. Is that Matt?

Who is this?

Hi, Matt. It's...
it's Gordon Crapp.

Uh, we met a couple of weeks
ago about, um, your dog Bandit?

Uh, we met a couple of weeks
ago about, um, your dog Bandit?

I'm not f*ck' taking him back,
mate. I told the kids he died.

That's cool.

Yeah, yeah, it's, ah...

No, we actually felt bad about
all that, really, and we...

and we wanted to compensate
you a little bit.

What are we talking?

$100?

Okay, so you want
to give me $100

and I give you nothing.

Well, you would need to
just give us a letter

- stating that you did sell him to us.
- Backdate.

And, and backdate
it to two weeks ago.

So, you want to give me $100

to perjure myself.

No one said perjure.

- That... that sounds bad.
- Yeah.

Well, it is bad, love,
because it's ill*gal.

I'll do it for a thousand.

- Done.
- No, no, $500 tops.

And we can give you
free beer for...

Listening.

Don't do that. Don't!

a year!

- That's a terrible
f*ck' deal.

- Is it?

Huh. Done!

Youse are f*ck' dumb.

Okay, cheers.

We'll text you the
details. Thanks, Matt.

Dickheads.

Don't touch that
axe again, please.

Don't touch that
axe again, please.

Wackadoo. Found a
park, f*ck.

Okay, yeah, she is mean.

Yes.

Come on, man, it's
time to grow up.

You're not a baby, are you?

No. No.

You're a man.

When I was your age,
I had kids, dude.

I had a house.

I had a whole bunch of stuff.

I was a grownup.

Come on, Brett.

It's time to move out.

I believe in you, bud.

All right, what's next?

Happy Bat Mitzvah, Josh.

Hey.

What's up?

My parents got a cameo of Kevin
Bacon telling me to move out.

- What?
- Can you believe that?

What? Like... like...

Footloose, like, A Few
Good Men Kevin Bacon?

They're telling me to move out.
They're trying to kick me out.

They're telling me to move out.
They're trying to kick me out.

How much would it
have cost to get him?

Exactly!

That could have been like what?
Three months' rent for me!

Oh my God!

I'm Two Degrees of Kevin Bacon!

- I think you're missing the point.
- No, I'm not.

Kevin Bacon wants you to
move out of your house.

Well, yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- You gonna do it?
- No way!

But I can't afford sh*t.

Why would I go?

'Cause you're in your thirties.

Or forties? I can't tell.

- Thirties, d*ck.
- Yeah.

And it's my home just
as much as it is theirs.

- Do you pay rent?
- Not the point.

It might be the
point. Where's Chiara?

In the cool room.

- Send me that link.
- No.

I mean, yeah. It is pretty cool.

Brett, it's Kevin Bacon...

- What...?

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

Meh, just on the phone to the...

Were you taking a photo of...?

- No.
- Yes, you were.

For my dermatologist.

Are you sexting?

- Sort of.
- Okay.

Okay. Do I know the guy?

Not a guy.

- What?
- Mm.

- What?
- Mm.

Meggles. Oh my God!

Oh my... Who are you?

I don't know. I don't know.

I've got no idea what I'm doing.

She started the tit pic thing.

I mean, is this what
the kids are doing?

I mean, I've fed three
humans with these things.

I'm stoked that anyone
wants to look at them.

Wow.

- This is...
- This is good.

Sure.

- Big.
- Yeah.

- Oh, and the cool room because...
- Because...

- Yep.
- Logical.

Just don't tell Brett.

- No. No.
- 'Cause...

Yeah, yeah.

Um...

- So, what I was...
- What?

- Brett! Brett!
- Gordon!

- No, no, no! No, don't! Stop!
- Brett! Brett! Brett!

- Check this out.
- Stop.

Stop. Huh?

- Nothing. Just saying hi.
- What?

- Oh, hi.
- Did you want to say anything?

You're a f*cking child, Gordon.

- Yeah, your mum is.
- What's going on?

I'm sort of...

seeing Meggles.

I'm sorry, I didn't
want to tell you.

Why?

Well, I don't know.
Because you liked her.

Oh, that's why you
wear vests now.

What? I've always worn vests.

No, no, I get
it. New identity.

No, no, I get
it. New identity.

But may I suggest
a change of, ah...

flavour. Yeah?

Lipstick l*sbian?

- Thanks for that.
- Yes.

A little more Portia,
a little less Ellen.

Such a cutting-edge
reference, Gordon.

No, no, no, they
have their types.

I've seen documentaries
about this very thing.

Those weren't
documentaries, mate.

We're all out of sync.

I mean, this whole
"getting Colin back" thing,

it's really... it's
taking its toll.

It's okay. You'll get him
back and you'll be fine.

Even if we do get him back,

I mean, he's gonna die one day.

Don't.

And then what? I mean, do we
need to find another Colin?

Let's just slow down.

Do I even want a
boyfriend? You know?

Or do I just...

want a dog?

Okay, that's a fair
f*cking question.

Buenos dias, senr̃itas.

Thank you so much for
deciding to attend.

I know that your time is
much more valuable than ours.

Sorry. Sorry, doing this, so.

Now, with your permission, we'll
move on to security passes.

Now, apparently, some of you
feel it's too much of a hassle

to turn in your security passes
once a month to have them reissued.

To turn in your security passes
once a month to have them reissued.

Guys.

It's very simple.

On the last day of the month
or your last shift, they're in.

- Before you leave
the building...

you pay a visit to Peggy.

- Downstairs, ground floor.
- Oh my God.

- What?
- Head of Security.

Whoa. Really don't think
I should be seeing those.

- Hot though, right?
- Yeah.

- They're good.

- Not on a Wednesday,
Thursday or Friday.

That's... that's Jeannie.
Leave Jeannie alone.

- Look at you.
- You scan your pass first.

- So simple for you two.
- Then you pop it into...

What? She's married
with three children.

One hundred going to hell.

Sorry, doctors, am I
interrupting your social time?

Oh, kind of.

Kidding.

Sorry, Gene.

I'm not here for my own benefit.

Yeah. Sorry.

You will not take your security
passes home and expect an exemption.

- You will not leave them...

- I think I'm really into her.

She's clearly into you.
Those nips are rock-hard.

No. No, no, no, no. I've
had a gutful of this.

- Sorry, Gene.
- Oh, no, no. Sorry.

You two, you clearly
don't need to be here,

so why don't you pay
a visit to bed seven?

- Your old friend
Mango Man is back.

- Your old friend
Mango Man is back.

- No, no, not Mango Man.
- No, Gene, please.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You had your chance.

Mango Man. Bed seven.

Come on, quick sticks.

Gene, why? Why is he here again?

Why does that keep happening?

He's here because he
needs help, Ashley.

This is a hospital.

Yeah, but who actually believes

that he keeps
gardening in the nude

and accidentally
falling on mangoes

so hard that they get
lodged in his arsehole?

Rectum, Ashley.

Really, he needs a
social worker, Gene.

Oh, no, what he needs is a digital
rectal examination toot sweet.

It's not even mango season.

This is the one.

What do you want to call it?

"Brett Sweat."

Oi! Crapp!

Oh. G'day, Matt.
Thanks for coming.

Parking's shithouse.

Uh, should be some
around the back.

Uh, it's already f*ck' full.

All right, take a seat.

Hello, mate. Can I help you?

Justin Shelley.

Mr Burston's lawyer
in this matter.

"Justin of the Peace."

Google me. Almost four
stars on True Local.

Over 30 reviews. 31, hopefully.

Do we really need a
lawyer, mate? It's a...

Yes, Gordon.

Sorry, are you listening
to something, or...?

Oh, just changing a flight.

Um, so I will need
you to sign here,

initial there,

and date, thank you.

Only the green
works, by the way.

- Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey. Chiara O'Brien,
co-owner. What are we signing?

All good, Chi,
I've got this one.

- Um... what, free beer?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for the...

And that includes unlimited
and gratis consumption

of any of the taps
and/or bottled ales.

Okay, what are we
actually signing?

All good. All good.

Yeah, this is pursuant
to all RSA regulations...

- Okay, Gordon, you're
not signing this.

- This is good.

- I've got this, Chi.

- No, you're not
signing this. Stop that.

- Chiara, this is my business meeting.
- No, this is not happening.

- This is good. Fine.
- I'm smarter than you. I am co-owner.

No, you're undermining
me in front of these men.

- Ow, you're hurting me!
- Yeah.

- I'm trying to.
- Okay, I'm not doing it.

Okay, I won't do it.
I won't do it, guys.

Let's just take a beat here.

Hey, no, that's not
enforceable unless I sign.

Fully enforceable.

Signed now.

Uh, and here is the letter.

What is this?

Oh, I've tea-stained it for
that authentic backdated look.

Oh, I've tea-stained it for
that authentic backdated look.

No extra cost.

It's meant to be two weeks.

Mate, I'm not putting
my name on that.

It looks like a
f*ck' treasure map.

Okay, all right, well, I
can do one with lemon juice.

- Do you have a microwave?
- Oh, Jesus.

Matt, this is meant to just be
just a normal, human letter.

All right.

Let me grab a free beer and
I'll whip up some options.

No free beer for you, mate.
He doesn't get any free beer.

- Appendix A, clause 4.
- Huh.

- Oh, so he does get free beer.
- Yeah, a bit. A little bit.

I'll have a lager please, babe.

Definitely.

- Just popping out to get that.
- Cheers.

Matt, this isn't good
enough, mate. Come on.

What do you f*ck'
want from me, Gordon?

Thanks for doing this.

Yeah, it'll just take two
minutes and you can head off.

Yeah, well, traffic
on the bridge

at this time of night's
a f*ck' nightmare, so.

- Oh, you're...
- Hi.

- No... way!
- What?

I f*ck' knew I
knew this place.

- No bloody way!
- Hey!

How have you been?

I thought you moved
up to Terrigal!

Oh, yeah, no, we did,

but Jill's old man's a bit
crook, so we've moved back down.

- Oh, sh*t.
- Yeah.

How do you know each other?

Phoebe! Guess who's here?

Phoebe! Guess who's here?

I put in their pool.

- He put in their pool.
- Put the pool in.

- Oh my God!
- Oh!

- Wait, what are they doing?
- Oh, don't worry about them.

But look at you!
You look amazing!

Oh, well, I was nine months pregnant
by the time you finished the pool.

Where's the baby?

Hardly a baby anymore.

- She's out walking the dog.
- She's walking.

- Yeah, so, about the dog.
- Speaking of which...

- Matt, do the thing.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what's going on?

- Yes. Go.

Ah, f*ck, ah...

- So, your dog...
- Yes.

Used to be my dog.

- You're joking.
- You're bloody kidding me.

- Now...
- Our dog, actually.

- Get in here, I'm
gonna get you a beer.

- Are you serious? Oh my God!

- I can't believe this.
- Come on.

- No, hang on, no, no, wait.
- Wait.

Matt. Matt. If you do this...

We have a deal, mate. If you do
this, there's no free beer for you.

These... these are
my mates, mate.

f*ck ya free beer. It
tastes like piss anyway.

- Hey, how are you?
- I just can't believe this!

That was your big move,
was it? Bringing him.

Yeah.

Good to see ya. f*ck off.

No, no, no. Come on.

Hey, Angus, Angus,
Angus! Come on!

Hey, come on, mate.

That's bullshit!

That is bullshit!

No, calm... well...

Calm down.

Calm down.

- We've got to go.
- f*ck it, no, no, no, no.

- Come on, no. No.
- Come on. Come on.

He put their pool in.

You know?

Come on.

- Come on.

No, you're better
than that. Come on.

- Gordy, don't be a baby. Come on.
- f*ck that.

- Okay, f*ck that.
We're gonna lawyer up.

- Yeah.

- That was bullshit!
- It was bullshit.

That's, that's just f*ck'
Law of the Jungle sh*t.

- Like...
- Oh my God, it's Colin!

- It's Colin. It's Colin. It's Colin.
- Where?

- He's there. Colin.
- What?

- Pull over. Pull over, that's him.
- What?

Get down, get down. He's with
Berlin. He's with Berlin.

That's him. Okay,
what do we do?

Possession is
nine-tenths of the law.

- Everyone's saying it.
- Yeah.

- So?
- Rock, paper, scissors.

- For who does it?
- Yeah.

- I think it's a two-person job.
- Okay.

I think one grabs Col,
the other one grabs...

Yeah, I'll do that. You do her.

No! I'm not grabbing
a seven-year-old girl!

She's eight!

Mate.

- Get out of the car.
- Hang on, let's get a plan...

- Get out of the car.
- Let's get a plan.

- Get out of the car.
- Let's get a plan.

We don't need a plan. Just go.

♪ Looking counterclockwise ♪

♪ Knowing what could happen ♪

♪ Any moment maybe you ♪

♪ Maybe even you ♪

♪ Steadfast collapse ♪

♪ Always certain any moment ♪

♪ Maybe you, maybe you ♪

♪ Maybe even you ♪

♪ Recline complete
dream too sweet ♪

♪ I can't do it, not with you ♪

♪ Not even with you ♪

♪ Maybe never with you ♪

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop. We can't.

Can't do this. We can't do this.

There's too many people.

And she'll probably just
tell her parents anyway

and then that's...

- That's a whole 'nother level.
- Yeah.

- There goes our boy.

- Oh my...

f*ck' hell, man!

- Sorry!
- It is a footpath!

Shh.

- Dickhead.
- I know.

- They, they could go on the road.
- I know. I know.

What are you...
what are you doing?

What are you...
what are you doing?

No? No.

Well, what are we gonna
do with his stuff?

We're not giving up.

Ash, what else can we do?

He brought us together,
Gordon. We're not giving up.

Maybe that was
his job, you know?

He brought us together.
That was his destiny.

Do you believe in that stuff?

Nah.

Oh.

But...

Ashy, we are...

like, you and I are

starting something
with or without Collie?

Aren't we?

I mean, I'm not trying
to marry you or anything.

God forbid.

We are...

What do the kids say? Dating?

Going out?

- We say "stepping about the town".
- Yes.

- Well, we're...
we're that, aren't we?

- Yeah.

We are. It's just
that Collie was our...

he was our little constant.

- You know?
- Mm.

Even with our...

like, our age gap and the
different friendship groups

and just where we're
at in our lives,

and your knees,

and your knees,

like, he was the thing
that we had in common.

Okay, what are you talking about?
We got other stuff in common.

Do we? Sure.

I mean, I live here with you,

but what... what is that?

- Boxing bag.
- Yes, but is it ornamental?

It didn't used to be, but...

Actually, you know
what? Great idea.

Let's get into boxing together.

- Nah, I don't want to. And...
- You know what?

You don't want to start on a heavy
bag anyway. You want a smaller one.

- A lighter one.
- Yeah, I need more lower body...

- That's fine.
- Focus anyway.

You know what? Let's
scratch boxing.

Boxing? Get rid of it.

What is your favourite
kind of music, Gordon?

Probably bubblegrunge.

- What is that?
- Or phonk.

Don't mind a bit of phonk.

Phonk, phonk phonk,
phonk, Phonk, phonk, phonk

- Don't just say
"phonk" over and over.

- I think that's what they do.

But Ash, who gives a sh*t?

We can figure this
stuff out as we go.

But will we? Yeah.

Of course.

Like, maybe this is a
good thing, you know?

Without Collie... And
look, don't get me wrong.

I'm f*ck' sad about that.

But that's the reality.

But maybe without
him, just you and me,

we can just see what we have.

We can just see what we have.

- Where is he?!
- Hey, whoa.

- Jesus!
- Angus, calm down.

Look, just tell us where he
is or we're calling the cops.

- Huh?
- Wait, wait, wait.

You don't know where he is?

Berlin walked him, he
was safe in the backyard,

and now he's gone. We
know what's happened.

Ah, well, obviously, you don't
because we don't have him.

Oh, hand him the f*ck over!

Mate, I think you might have
had a little bit to drink, okay?

- Have you?

I've had two f*ck'
standard drinks, you goose!

- I'll f*ck'...

- Angus, stop it! Oh, stop it!

- Stop it!
- I'm a judo champion!

- This is not...
- Oh my God!

- Judo champion!
- You're not helping! Stop it!

Gordon.

- Colin!
- Peppy!

What is going on?

- That's our dog.
- No, no.

Uh, I'm sorry. Who are you?

- I'm his owner.
- Mm-hmm.

No, you are no such thing.

I'm this dog's vet, and these people
paid for his substantial vet bills.

Uh, they gave him to us.

Right, well, he was found on the
street and his chip was scanned.

His chip? Oh, his...

- f*ck, he was chipped!
- Chipped.

Yep. We chipped him
when you brought him in.

- It's standard practice.
- Oh, f*ck yeah.

Yeah, and that's
ten-tenths of the law.

- This is horseshit!
- Ha!

- This is horseshit!
- Ha!

- You know what? I've got a cop, mate.
- Oh my...

- I'm gonna call him.

- Excuse me, you will
do no such thing.

This is not your dog

and you seem to be a
drunk person, actually.

- I've had two standard drinks.

Oh, Angus. Come on.

It's over. Okay?

It's over.

I think Berlin might have
left the side gate open.

- Yeah, but...
- We'll get another dog.

He's not Peppy.

Can I keep this?

No. No, that's mine.

- Great. Get nothing.

Hey.

How full-on was that...

that jogging guy today?

- Oh!
- Oh my God.

- So full-on.
- That was terrible.

You think he made it?

Yeah. He's good. Gonna be okay.

Is he?

Nah. Dead.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah.

Yvette, thank you so much.

I can't even begin to...

I just... thank you!

- You are so welcome.
- Hey.

- Hey, you're the boy.
- Collie, who's the boy?

I'm just doing my job.

Well... thank you.

I... I'm really...

I'm blown away. Thank you.

Would you mind walking me to my
car? I'm just parked up here.

Sure, yeah, of course.

- Uh, I'll be...
- Yeah. Take your time.

Hello, baby.

- Good boy!

Aw, I missed you. I missed you.

Aw, hi.

Hey, thanks again
for everything.

Oh, it's no problem.

And, and after-hours as well.

I mean, you could have called.

Glad you didn't, but...

It's fine.

And, um...

Hey, I don't know if
it was relayed to you,

but your assistant
has been very...

I'm pregnant.

Hmm?

I'm pregnant.

It's yours and I'm keeping it.

Huh...

♪ I wonder how many
times You've been had ♪

♪ And I wonder how many
plans Have gone bad ♪

♪ I wonder ♪

- ♪How many times you had sex ♪
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

♪ And I wonder, do you
know Who'll be next? ♪

♪ I wonder, I wonder ♪

♪ Wonder I do ♪

f*ck'... really?

Really?

f*ck.

♪ I wonder about the
love You can't find ♪

♪ And I wonder About the
loneliness that's mine ♪

♪ And I wonder About the
loneliness that's mine ♪

♪ I wonder how much
going Have you got? ♪

♪ And I wonder about your
friends That are not ♪

♪ I wonder, I wonder ♪

♪ Wonder I do ♪