01x02 - The Retainer

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR CREAKING]

MARSHALL:
Eerie, Indiana.

Day forty five.

I knew my hometown was
going to be different from
where I grew up in New Jersey,

but this is ridiculous.

Nobody believes me,

but Eerie is the center of
weirdness for entire planet.

Item, a guy that looks
suspiciously like Elvis,
lives on my paper route.

Thank ya, lil' paper boy.

Item, Bigfoot eats out
of my trash.

Item, a bizzare
housewife cult in town
has been sealing up their

kids in giant rubber
kitchenware so
they don't age.

And now, just when I thought
things couldn't get any worse,

I discovered that in Eerie,
[GROWLING]

even man's best friend
is up to no good.

[CROW CAWING]

When I try to tell this
to my family,

they just think I'm weird.

Better weird than dead.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Marshall...
Where do you 'spose he got to?

Don't suppose he forgot
about his appointment?

You know Marshall.
He never forgets anything.

Heck, he remembers stuff
that never happened.

He's around somewhere.
Marshall!

Uh-oh.

Hey Mom, have you seen
my tapeplayer anywhere?

It's probably
where you left it.

Marshall!

Were you
looking for me?

No, we were
just practicing.

Of course we were looking
for you. You'll be late for
your orthodontist appointment.

I don't want to go.

What do you mean
you don't want to go?

MARILYN:
What's the matter, honey?

You're not still afraid
of getting a retainer, are you?

Don't make me do it, please.
What's gotten into you?

[DOGS HOWLING]

Dogs...

Big drooling armies of dogs.

SYNDI: You mean like
that man eating poodle?

Never mind about dogs.

Sometimes in life, you have to
do things that you're afraid of.

And going to the orthodontist
is one of those things.

But you don't understand...
We'll talk about it in the car.

Um, Marshall...

Honey, your father and I are
getting a little
concerned about you.

Son, you don't seem to be making
a lot of new friends in Eerie.

And you haven't taken off your
Giants sweatshirt in months.

And now, you're making a big
deal out of a simple retainer.

Is there something
you want to talk about?

MARSHALL:
Even if I tell my parents,
they won't believe me.

They'll just think I'm
homesick, or worst yet, crazy.

[DOG BARKING]

You see, hideous pain and
the fact that I'll look goofy

don't have anything to do with
why I don't want a Retainer.

It's dogs I am worried about.
[DOG BARKING]

It all started with a guy
named Steve Konkolewski.

Steve had the biggest teeth
in the seventh grade.

I mean, we're talking
major surfboards.

[EXHALING]

DR. EUKENUBA:
Just relax, Mr. Konkolewski.
Open wide.

Yes, Mr. Konkolewski.

You've been seeing me
for five years.

You haven't been making
very much progress.

Dr. Eukanuba is very unhappy.

Since your teeth
refuse to behave,

I've designed for you
something very special.

A new,

radical, experimental,
prototypical,

one-of-a-kind retainer.

[ELECTRIC SURGE]
[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Perfection.

Now, now... this isn't
going to hurt a bit.

[DIABOLICAL CHUCKLE]

MARSHALL:
As soon as Steve
got that new retainer,

the strangest thing started
to happen to him.

VOICE: Watch it, pal.
[DOG GROWLING]

Steve shrugged it off.

Couldn't be that dog he heard.
No way.

But Steve forgot.
This is Eerie, Indiana.

Steve wasn't exactly a friend.

But he'd always come over
my house to eat

because his mom wouldn't
let him scarf snacks at home.

Probably just 'cause it
looked so gross,

he had stuff stuck in his
braces from last Thanksgiving.

SIMON:
Here's those library books
you wanted.

I got everything,
except the Sorcerer's Bible.

It was checked out.

Just as I suspected.

There's the Bermuda Triangle,
right?

Uh-huh.

And look, that's an
aerial photograph of Eerie.

Wow!

MARSHALL:
Here's the shocker.

They're the exact same shape!

SIMON: Whoa!

That proves everything!

STEVE: [SIGHS]
You guys are nuts.
I've lived here all my life

and nothing weird has ever
happened to me, ever.

Eerie is the most boringest
place on the planet.

Oh, yeah?

Then what were those strange
lights in the sky Tuesday night?

Yeah.
That was lightning, Marshall.

Geez.

Lightning doesn't hover
and land.

We got pictures.

These are so blurry,
they could be anything.

Anything. Including UFOs.
Enough said.

Get real, man.
VOICE: Come on, pal...

[WHISPERING]
drop it, drop it. Give it
to Papa.

No way, Simon.
Get your own hoagie.

I don't want any
of your dumb hoagie.

Then shut up about it.

I didn't say anything.

You just asked for some.

No, I didn't.

You didn't? Did you?
Wasn't me.

That's so weird, man.
I've been hearing these
voices all day.

I could've swore
somebody just asked
for a bite of my hoagie.

Well, if it wasn't Simon
and it wasn't me...

Who was it?
[DOG BARKING]

FLUFFY: Oh please, oh please,
oh please... [GRUNTS]

Give me, give me,
give me. Oh, boy.

Juicy meat on stale bread,
my favorite.

Come on, Blimbo.
You don't need it.
[BARKS]

Yes! Oh, baby, yeah baby.
Oh, in my mouth, baby!

Somebody just said...

"Yeah, baby, oh, baby.
In my mouth, baby!"

I'm telling you, man. Ever since
I got this retainer,
I've been hearing things.

MARSHALL:
It's the dog. Steve can hear
what he's thinking.

STEVE: Get outta here.

If it's not the dog,
then who is it?

Is that possible?

I don't know.
Maybe there's a way to test it.

Here, give me that.
[WHISTLES]

Come on, come on.
Come on...

[WHISTLES]
Come on, come...

Come on, boy.
Come here, boy.

STEVE: What are we doing?

We're conducting
a little experiment.

What kind of experiment?

A double blind test.
What's a double blind test?

Come here. Hold my mom's
grocery bag over your head.

Hm. It smells good
in here...

I don't get it.

How could Steve hear
what the dog is thinking?

I don't hear anything.
When I lived in Jersey,

a friend of a friend knew a guy
who could hear a radio station
in his mouth.

His fillings were like
some kind of antenna.

Maybe somehow all that metal
in Steve's mouth is picking up
some kind of dog signals.

You guys are crazy.

All right. Tell me if you hear
any voices. Anything at all.

Nothing yet. Just you geeks.

I'm getting something...
Heads!

Um, heads.

STEVE: Tails!
Is it a trick?

Keep concentrating.

I'm picking something up
about a...

lucky dog?
SIMON: Wow!

That's right!

Good boy!

I don't believe it!
You better believe it.

You realize we've made contact
with the animal kingdom?

This is gonna make us
rich and famous!

We could get the
Nobel Peace Prize.

We could end up on
Unsolved Mysteries.

We've got to figure out
how these work.

SIMON: Yeah. You good guy.
Yeah, come here.

Hey, guys... I think
he likes me.

FLUFFY: That's what you think.
You bite-sized punk.

What's the matter?

Yeah, you're such
a friendly guy.

FLUFFY: Looks like lunch,
smells like lunch.

Are you picking
something up?

I think the dog said something
about... eating Simon!

[DOG BARKING]

SIMON: Get off! Get him off me.
FLUFFY: Hey, a guy's gotta eat.

Don't show any fear.

Come on, boys, just a snack.

FIFI: [IN A FRENCH ACCENT]
You there!

Have you forgotten your duty?

Stop wasting time
with these overgrown fleas.

There's work to be done.

Au revoir.

[DOG BARKS]

What did he say?

He said
we're dead meat.

MARSHALL: I knew nobody
would believe us about Steve
being able to hear

what dogs are thinking.

What we needed
was proof,

physical evidence.

Oh, no. You don't.

C'mon, Steve. Don't be such
a wuss. We're just gonna
use you for an antenna.

[STEVE GASPS]

Look, it's simple. I clip this
end on your retainer,

and this end to the antenna
of my sister's recorder.

If you're lucky, I might be
able to tune into
what you're hearing.

SIMON: Can you record it?
We're gonna try.

This will never work.

You believe in radio waves,
don't you? You believe in TV?

So maybe dogs are just
on a different frequency.

If it's the dogs I hear,
then how come
they're speaking English?

I don't know... Maybe they
aren't speaking English.

Maybe we're speaking dog.
How should I know?

[CRACKLING]

Hey, it tingles.

That's good.
It is?

Yeah.

Let's go find us
some dogs.

STEVE: Hey guys, my arms
are getting tired.

Keep them up.
We'll get better reception.

How're you coming
with that foil, Simon?

[TUNING SIGNAL]
Almost done. Hold it.

Hey guys,
this is really lame.

It's so lame, there's just
not even a lame word for it.

It's beyond lame. It's...
Dogs at 12 o'clock.

[DOGS BARKING AND HOWLING]

You picking anything up yet?
No, just a buzzing.

MARSHALL:
Tune him around,
like I showed you, Simon.

No, more buzzing.

Whoa, whoa, that's it.

I'm definitely picking
up something.

Are you getting this?
[AUDIO WAVES]

[DOGS TALKING]
Oh, wow. It's incredible!

* Dog bones, them bones,
Them bones, them,
Dog bones

* It's easier to eat
Them bones

* The neck bones connected
To the chin bones

* The chin bones connected
To the *

They're singing.

You hear it too?
Let me listen, let me listen

Hang on. I got to record this.
[DOGS CONTINUE SINGING]

* The toe bones connected
To the heel bones
The heel bones *

What's that?
I hear it.

Definitely picking up
something else.

Um-hm.

Simon, quick. Tune him around.
See if we can get
better reception.

Whoa!
Hey, hold it.

[MUMBLED WHISPERING]

Freedom... Freedom...
Freedom...Freedom...

What's in that direction?

The dog pound!

Of course. Chanting
for freedom.

Come on.

ALL: To the Pound.

Lost the signal.

MARSHALL: [WHISPERING]
This way, you guys. Come on.

SIMON: Weird.

If we can slip in?

Can't the dogs get out?

MARSHALL:
Simon, this is the Eerie Pound.

Dogs check in, but they
don't check out.

[DOGS WHINING]

SIMON:
Just some old guy
sweeping up.

MARSHALL:
Must be, old man Dithers,
the dog catcher.

[TUNING SIGNALS]

I'm not hearing anything.

Me either. The only thing
I'm getting is whispers.

But I can't make it out.

I think my batteries are low.

Don't you think that's weird?

I mean, it's a dog pound.

There ought to be barking,
or something.

Yeah. Can we get out of here?
I'm hungry.

Everything seems okay here.
Let's go.

[DOGS WHINING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Shut up, you mangy flea bus.

You know the rules.
No barking!

Unless, of course you'd like
to go for a walk...

to the chamber.

[DOG BARKING]

MARSHALL:
I didn't see Steve again,
until later that night.

LADY ON TV:
Why? Bless thy soul.
That's my purse.

My, you're a very
smart dog. I don't know
what I'd have done

for the rest of the month
if you hadn't found that.

[CLATTERING]

SIMON: What is it?

[STRAINING]

It is Steve.

[STEVE GRUNTING]

Marshall, help.
I heard them.

They're everywhere.
It's horrible.

Who? What? Get a grip, man.
The dogs... the dogs!

Everywhere I go, the horror...
the horror...

You're the only one
who can help.

The only one who knows
what's going on.

Steve, you're not making
any sense.

Something's going down.
Something big.

Something at the dog pound.

I think the dogs are planning
something horrible.

SIMON:
What are we gonna do?

We're gonna get to the Pound
and get this on tape.

All right! Night patrol.

STEVE:
Don't you think we should call
the police or something?

MARSHALL:
And tell them what? You've been
talking to dogs all day?

We're on our own.

It's up to us to find out
what's going on.

SIMON:
It's our duty.

MARSHALL:
Wait, let me check
your wires.

STEVE:
I wanna go home.

MARSHALL:
How am I supposed to hear
anything with you whining?

The door is propped open
with something. It's a bone!

Eww, it's got dog spit
all over it.

Oh, man.
You don't suppose it's...

ALL: Mr. Dithers?

[DOGS WHINING]

[DOGS BARKING]

SIMON: What's that?

MARSHALL:
I think that's where they
put the dogs to sleep.

STEVE:
That's it.
I'm gone.

SIMON: Got the lights.

Humans!
What do they want?

Dibs on the fat guy.
[BARKS]

Bite them.
Did you hear that?

Bite who?
Bite the hand.

What hand?
Bite the hand that feeds us.

I don't like the sound of it.

Bite the hand
that feeds us.

[DOGS CHANTING]
Bite the hand that feeds us.
Bite the hand that feeds us.

Bite the hand that feeds us.

Bite the hand that feeds us.

What're they saying?

You don't want to know.

Bite the hand that feeds us.

I'm getting a really
bad feeling. We better get
out of here.

Where do you think
you're going, human scum?

Don't even think
about it.

So we meet again, Metalmouth.

What do you want?
FIFI: What do we want?

What do we want?

Brothers and sisters, tell
puny bipeds what we want!

No more leashes.

Let them sleep outside.
See how they like it.

Down with kibble.
Ban obedience school!

No more stupid pet tricks.
No more de-worming!

ALL DOGS:
And no more Neutering!

[DOGS HOWLING AND BARKING]

[DOGS CHANTING]
Slash the chamber,
slash the chamber...

Slash the chamber,
slash the chamber...

[CHAMBER EXPLODES]

[DOGS BARKING]

We're tired of being
treated like dogs.

The time for the revolution
is nearly here.

As soon as we solve
the mystery of the doorknob,

Eerie is ours!

As for you three, if you do
exactly as you're told,

we may let you go.

Anything.
You name it.

Open the cages!
STEVE: But...

We have to.
SIMON: We have to what?

[BARKS]
Open that cage, Simon.

You open these cages,
and I'll get to these.

[DOGS CHANTING]
Door knob, door knob,
door knob, door knob...

These humans know too much.

What do they know?
Where did they know it?

Freckles is mine.

Today, Eerie.
Tomorrow, Indianapolis.

Now what do they want?

Yeah, what do we want?

Ask Fifi. She always knows
what we want.

We want the metal
from his mouth.

They want my retainer.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Give it to them.

My mom will k*ll me
if I lose my retainer.

Forget your mom. We're about
to get eaten here.

Give them the stupid retainer!

[DOGS CHANTING]
Metalmouth, metalmouth,
metalmouth, metalmouth...

It's stuck.
Now what do I do?

[DOGS CHANTING]
Metalmouth, metalmouth,
metalmouth, metalmouth...

[STEVE GRUNTING]
SIMON: Come on, hurry up.

[DOGS CHANTING]
Metalmouth, metalmouth,
metalmouth, metalmouth...

Hang on, Steve.
Don't panic.

Steve don't do it!

Get metalmouth!
[ALL SCREAM]

MARSHALL:
That was the last
we saw of Steve.

[DOGS BARKING]

There. That wasn't
so bad now, was it?

Well, he lived to
tell the tale?

Let mom see
your teeth!

Oh, you'd hardly know.

Listen, Marshall.

Your mother and I know
it's tough being a new kid
in a strange town.

We also know
you're a great kid.

If you give it sometime,
you're going to find growing up
in Eerie isn't so scary.

MARSHALL:
I couldn't hide forever.

Eventually, I had to go back
out into Eerie.

But I had no idea
who or what was
waiting for me.

It just hope
it walks on two legs.

Oh, hey Marsh. Did you
get your retainer?

Well, can I see it?

[SYNDI CHUCKLES]
Just don't call me Metal Mouth.

It's cute.

Hey, who's your friend?

Hey, boy!
How are you?

Oh, what a good boy you are...

What's your name?

Fluffy, huh?
That's a good name.

That's a good name...
Yeah.

See you,
Metalmouth.

MARSHALL:
Maybe it was all a dream.

Maybe Fluffy really was
man's best friend, after all.

Then again, maybe not.

Listen, you Fluffy,
or whatever your name is...

I gotta finish
my paper route.

I gotta...

Look, see? It's just
a regular one.

I can't hear a thing.
Honest.

MARSHALL:
Suddenly, there it was.
Steve's wrecked retainer.

Boy, was his mom
gonna be mad?

I bet Steve doesn't think
Eerie is boring any more.

[BELCHES]

You think we'll ever
see Steve again?

Maybe we will, Simon.

Maybe we will.

MARSHALL:
So we added Steve's retainer
to our Eerie, Museum of Weird.

Someday, the world will
be ready for the truth.

But until that day,
Simon and I are on our own.

[DOG BARKS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]