07x08 - Road Trip: Screen Queen/Road Trip: Hide and Sneak

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[tango music]

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- Thank you all for attending the semifinals

of our Grandmother/Grandson Dance Contest.

And the winners are...

Nana Gayle and Clyde McBride!

[crowd cheers] - Way to go, Clyde!

Congratulations, guys!

Your dance moves are amazing.

- Thanks, buddy. We call that last one

the McBride Slide.

[classical music flourish]

- It sure wasn't easy to beat you and your Gran Gran.

- Ah, thank you.

We just weren't able to execute

the Myrtle Hurdle.

[electropop music]

[strains, grunts]

[shudders]

So are you guys ready

to represent Sunset Canyon at the city finals?

- You bet! We've been dreaming

of those first prize massage chairs.

both: Ahh.

Oof!

- We just have to beat the finalists

from Twilight Towers.

- I'm not one for tooting my own horn,

but I think we have this one in the bag.

I mean, who can our competition even be?

[playful music]

- [humming]

- [gasps] Chandler?

- You know that young man?

- That's Chandler McCann.

He's a bad apple.

Uh-oh, they're coming over!

- Hey, McBride.

Looks like we're facing off

in the dance final.

This is my grandma.

- Hi there. Gran McCann.

- Hi! Nana Gayle.

- No!

She probably has a joy buzzer

or an ink squirter

or maybe even a finger trap.

- Nope, just arthritis. [chuckles]

Oh, I understand why you don't trust me.

I know about my grandson's reputation.

But I told Chandler

that I won't tolerate any funny business

during this competition.

- Yeah, chill out, McBride.

I'm always on my best behavior when I'm with my gran.

- Well, that's a relief.

- What do you say, Clyde?

Fair and square, may the best team win?

- Hmm.

Deal.

- Welcome to the finals of the Royal Woods

Grandmother/Grandson Dance Competition.

Here's your host and judge,

Mrs. Bernardo! [crowd cheers]

- Thank you. It's an honor

to be hosting the dance finals.

The rules of the competition are simple.

There are two rounds. Today our finalists will dance

the tango, the jitterbug, and the Irish clog dance.

And tomorrow they'll return to perform the final dance,

the waltz!

Now for the first dance today,

the tango!

[tango music playing]

- Wow. Chandler and Gran McCann are good dancers.

- They may be, but I have a secret weapon for us.

Mint tea. It really boosts the energy.

Whoo! Let's do this!

- [chuckles nervously]

[crowd cheers]

- Yes, yes, very good.

Spotlight back on me please!

[clears throat] I award you

a perfect ten!

[crowd cheers]

Now please welcome to the stage

Nana Gayle and Clyde McBride!

[crowd cheers]

[tango music playing]

[both exclaiming]

both: Ugh!

- We're okay.

The makeup tables stopped us.

- I'm sorry to say your score is a zero.

[crowd groans] - Aw, wait.

It wasn't their fault, your honor.

There's clearly a puddle of oil right here.

- You should let them start over.

- Wait, you're helping us?

- Ooh, as much as we love

to see good sportsmanship like this,

there are no do-overs.

And onto the second dance,

the jitterbug.

[swing music playing]

[crowd cheers]

Another stunning performance.

[clears throat]

And my score is

another perfect ten!

both: Whoo!

- Now please welcome back the McBrides!

[swing music playing]

both: Ugh!

[both groan]

Whoa--oof!

- We're okay!

The audience broke our fall!

- Well, that looks terribly painful.

Also painful, your score: zero!

- But Mrs. Bernardo,

just look at these loose floorboards.

Clearly the McBrides deserve another chance.

- So sorry. Rules are rules.

And now onto the final dance of the day,

the Irish clog dance!

[Irish dance music playing]

[crowd cheers]

Just simply marvelous, McCanns!

My score-- say it with me, everyone...

all: A perfect ten!

[both gasp]

- Please help me welcome back Clyde and Nana Gayle!

[Irish dance music playing]

[wood creaks] both: Huh?

Yah!

- We're okay.

The janitor's bucket of dirty mop water broke our fall.

[groans] - Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[both gasp]

Oops! I think that's a leftover

smudge of balsamic from my salad.

Mmm, delicious.

both: Aww.

- That doesn't seem fair

since there was an open trapdoor

on the stage.

- Fair would be me getting paid double

for being emcee and judge,

don't you think?

But fear not, the McBrides can still

make a comeback tomorrow!

- [groans] Today was a disaster.

Talk about a streak of bad luck.

[laughter]

- Those McBrides are real McBozos.

They totally fell for that crud

about us not cheating.

And now all we have to do is sabotage 'em again tomorrow,

and those massage chairs are all ours.

[laughter]

both: Ugh!

- Those little weasels!

- I knew Chandler would cheat!

Hm. Well, I guess we have no choice.

We'll just have to cheat right back.

- Clyde! - Wuh!

- Get ahold of yourself!

We can't stoop to their level!

If we're going to win those massage chairs

for Sunset Canyon,

we need to do it fair and square.

That's the McBride way.

- You're right. But that doesn't mean

we can't show Mrs. B that those Cheating McCheaters are,

uh, cheating!

We just need some proof.

[sneaky music]

Look! There he is.

Pipes and sandbags?

That fiend!

♪ ♪

- A whole box of bats,

gonna be a heck of a party.

- You have no idea.

[parrot squawks] [both gasp]

- Quiet, you.

- Quick, hide!

We need to get to the theater first

so we can film Chandler and his liar-liar-pants-on-fire

grandmother booby-trapping the stage.

- Our mint tea will keep us alert

so we won't miss the McCanns

when they sneak in here tonight.

- [whispers] Hey, McBrides.

McBrides!

- Uh... both: Huh?

Ah!

- What--what happened?

- A lot, actually. It's morning,

and the finale's about to start.

- I don't understand. How did we fall asleep?

We had our mint tea.

- Did you though?

[dramatic music]

both: Snoozy time tea?

- Oh, gee, how did that get there?

- Good luck dancing through all the obstacles we set

while you were back here snoring.

[laughter]

both: Ugh! - So we have no proof

of them cheating, and we now have to dance

on a rigged stage.

Oh, we're doomed.

- Actually, maybe we can still pull this off.

- But how? - Well, at least we know

what to expect on stage.

We'll be ready for it.

And thanks to the snoozy tea,

we are well rested.

- Greetings, Royal Woods.

It's our final dance to determine our winner.

Get ready for the waltz!

[waltz music playing]

- Okay, stay alert.

Trapdoor!

Huh-uh!

[crowd gasps]

- Pipes!

[crowd cheers] both: Sandbags!

Wuh!

[crowd cheers]

[bats chirring]

- Nana, quick!

The McBride Slide!

- Uh!

[crowd cheers]

[both exclaim] - [groans]

- [gasps] - [straining]

- We're doing great. We can still win thi--

both: Ah!

Ugh!

- We're okay!

The brick wall stopped us!

- After another flawless performance from Team McCann,

it's clear that they are our winners.

[crowd cheers]

And here are your massage chairs!

- Better luck next year, McLosers.

- You only won because you cheated.

- Tell it to our massage chairs, McBozos.

Come on, Gran, let's go home and massage our butts.

Uh!

- [normal voice] Uh-oh.

I mean... [grandmother voice] Ooh.

How did that get there?

[chuckles nervously]

[tense music]

[all gasp]

- Busted!

That's not Chandler's grandmother.

It's his ol' partner in crime, Trent.

- Chandler McCann!

Where is your actual, non-child grandmother?

- [sighs]

Recovering from hip surgery in Scranton.

- So you've been pretending to be Gran McCann all week?

- Yeah.

We just wanted the massage chairs

for when we play video games.

- Well, bravo to your performance, Trent,

but boo to your ethics!

[both chuckle nervously]

Scoundrels!

Congrats, Team McBride,

you are the real winners.

[crowd cheers] - Way to go, Clyde!

As for you two,

no one disrespects the art of the dance on my watch.

You are banned from every dance contest in Royal Woods forever!

Now exit stage left.

both: Whoa!

Oof! Ugh!

Aah! Oof!

- Joke's on you! Trent broke my fall.

Gah! The bats!

Why did I buy so many?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- [shrieks]

- Oof!

- Ugh!

[bright jazzy music]

- As you can see, I'm pretty much an expert

at this middle school thing.

- Incoming! Official hall monitor business.

[all exclaim]

- Like I said, no surprises for this guy.

Whoa!

[wind howling]

Oh, that's a surprise.

[shivering]

Whoa! Whoa!

[grunts]

[all shivering]

Hey, w-why is it

so c-c-c-cold in here today?

- And how did that pigeon in a tuxedo get in here?

[playful music]

- I hear this happens right before the yetis take over.

Oh, my gosh! - [gasps]

- They already got Andrew!

[dramatic musical flourish]

- [gasps]

Good morning, kids.

Hope you're enjoying the cooler temperature.

As Astrid Bjorklundson says,

"Temperatures as cold as ice

will help the children learn real nice."

- Who is this Bjorklundson character anyway?

- She's a leading education specialist from Sweden.

And she has the coolest glasses.

Check her out!

- My patented Astrid Method has improved

student performance in over countries.

I not only preach the Astrid Method,

I practice it myself.

Brr!

Thanks to that icy plunge,

I just got ten new ideas!

Hej da!

- Soon enough, you kids will be the top students

in all of Southeast Michigan!

I can see you're all shaking with excitement.

[all shivering]

And just a heads-up,

from now on school will start at : a.m.

for mindful yoga!

- To aid the students' aspirations,

begin the day with meditations!

Wup! Hoopla!

Astrid Power Pose!

[all shivering] - Fun, right?

Hej da!

- I can't start school that early.

I need two hours in the morning

to deep condition my fiery mane.

[screams]

Hey! Give that back!

[all shivering]

- How are we supposed to focus

when ours brains are frozen solid?

- At least Pizza Wednesday will help warm us up.

Ugh! - That's definitely

not pepperoni.

Chef Patricia, I feel like

this must be a culinary mistake.

- Nope. School's on the new Astrid Meal Plan now.

Monday, salted cod; Tuesday, salted herring;

Wednesday-- well, you get the idea.

- Why are we eating so much fish?

- Astrid says it's brain food.

And I quote, "If for a test you are crammin',

have a plate of salted salmon."

- Huh. What's this strap for?

- Another one of Fish Lady's big ideas.

You have to take gym class while you eat.

- Huh?

[whistle blows] - Faster!

And keep eating!

"Combining lunch with moderate cardio

gets the brain working extra hard-io"!

- [panting] Huh?

- Ah! - Ugh!

[all exclaiming]

- You guys, all these changes...

- Ugh! - Are ruining our lives.

We have to get the school back the way it was.

- [shivering]

- Meryl, we'd like to speak with Principal Ramirez

about her new Astrid Method.

It's urgent.

- Oh, thank goodness.

Her changes are more annoying

than a skeeter in your bloomers.

- She's messed up your life too?

- Yes, ma'am.

Can y'all believe Astrid said potty breaks

are disruptive to administrative work?

Now I gotta sit on this all day.

[all gasp]

- Oh, Principal Ramirez. - [gasps]

- We have a slideshow we'd like to show you

on why the Astrid Method isn't working.

- Lincoln, I need to go buy

a whole bunch of bamboo yoga mats.

I don't have time for your usual , slides.

- But we trimmed it down

to a very bladder-friendly ,.

- Listen, I know change is hard.

But as Astrid says,

"Present pain leads to future gain."

Someday you'll all be thanking me

in your Nobel Prize acceptance speeches!

- Fat chance.

If I don't thank Mee-Maw,

I'll be sleepin' in the barn.

- We can't give up. There's gotta be a way

to convince Principal Ramirez.

- I don't know how.

The only person she listens to is Astrid.

- Clyde, you might be onto something.

- Let's see your outfit, Stella--

oops, I mean Astrid.

[drumroll]

- [Swedish accent] If some fooling is what you're needin',

just pretend that you're from Sweden.

Hej da!Whoa!

- Brilliant!

But I'm not sure you've completely nailed the look.

- Hmm. [gasps]

[snaps fingers]

[sneaky music]

- Color those glasses red,

and you're a perfect match.

- Yeah, totally.

You look just like her.

But...[sniffs]

Ugh, Stella, you need a bath.

You smell like sardines.

- [grunting]

- Meryl, the new Astrid video is dropping

any minute now!

Cancel all my meetings.

- You're all clear.

And I'm all clogged.

- [panting]

[sneaky music]

- Operation "Astrid La Vista Baby" is a go.

♪ ♪

- Intercepting Astrid's live stream

in three, two, one.

- [Swedish accent] Good morgen!

Wah! [clears throat]

I'm Astrid Bjorklundson.

I'm horribly embarrassed to admit this,

but I was wrong.

New studies have proven that my method doesn't boost aca--

- [chuckles]

- Academic excellence.

Don't listen to Astrid anymore.

Go back to the way things were before!

[chuckles nervously] Hej da!

Whoa! Oof!

And don't bother checking my feed

for any more videos ever again.

Hej da. - Whoa!

Oof!

Wow, I didn't see that coming.

Well, if that's what the new studies say.

Meryl...

turn the heat back on and pack up the salted cod.

The Astrid Method is officially cancelled.

- Ooh-ha! [laughs]

- degrees, mac and cheese on the lunch menu,

Andrew's thawed out.

Everything's back to normal.

all: Wah!

- Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush.

Just got an email from Astrid's book club.

She's on tour with a new advice book,

"Are You There, Cod? It's Me, Astrid."

- Oh. I thought we were done with the Astrid Method.

- I thought so too.

But why would she write another book

if her methods don't work?

I'm gonna meet her and find out what's going on.

- You're meeting with Astrid?

- Of course!

Her first tour stop is Hazeltucky--today.

And I'm late.

- [sighs] This is so not good.

If Principal Ramirez and Astrid meet,

we're more busted than Rusty's hair.

- We have to make sure they don't meet.

[sneaky music]

♪ ♪

Okay, everybody knows the plan?

Let's go.

Hi, Ms. Bjorklundson.

We're struggling with the Astrid Power Pose.

Can you show us how it's done-- outside?

- Uff da!

- [Swedish accent] Halla, miss. Step on up.

- Hi, Astrid.

I'm such a huge fan.

I've been dying to ask,

what inspired chapter seven?

- [clears throat]

Well, there I was,

taking an ice bath and enjoying a herring sandwich,

and I thought, what should come after chapter six?

[gasps] I know! Chapter seven!

[chuckles] Hej da.

- [drily] How fascinating.

- Phew.

- Now turn your hips to the left

and your heart to the right.

- Turn my lips to the right?

- Nej, nej, nej.

Now center your weight

and your mind.

[sighs contentedly]

[both straining] - Check it out, playas.

I'm doing it.

- [whistling] Ugh!

- Oof! - Oops!

Looks like he's not doing it now.

Uh, you can't leave, Astrid.

We need a lot more help.

- Hi, Astrid.

- [normal voice] Hi, Principal Ramir--

[Swedish accent] I mean, halla,

stranger I've never met before.

- I need to ask you-- - Let me guess.

If the Astrid Method doesn't work,

why am I here promoting another book?

- Wow, you're good.

- Sometimes questions don't have answers,

and sometimes answers shouldn't be questioned.

Hej da.

- Wait, I have a question about that answer.

- Well, this is a great start.

A few more : a.m. sessions,

and you'll have it.

[both exclaim]

- And sometimes questions a-are answers,

and the answer isn't always the question you want it to be.

[chuckles] Hej da!

- Well, I'm still not getting it.

But maybe an ice bath will clear things up.

- Uff da! - Sorry, I--

[tense music]

Huh? Two Astrids?

What's going on?

- Uh, uh, she's an imposter!

I'm Astrid!

- Oh, ja?

Well, can you do this, Fake Astrid?

Hup!

- [grunting]

Ah!

[groans]

[soft jazz music]

We're sorry, Principal Ramirez.

We shouldn't have deceived you.

- It's just that the Astrid Method

was making us miserable.

- Eating all that fish was cramping my style

with the ladies.

- Yeah, it was the fish.

- [sighs] Look, it's my job to make sure

you're set up to succeed.

And the Astrid Method guarantees that will happen.

So we'll resume the program on Monday.

- Dang it. [all groan]

- Nej, wait.

Principal Ramirez, studies have shown

that student happiness is crucial for success.

If these children aren't happy,

then that means the program isn't working.

I'm going to have to rethink it.

Thank you for your honest feedback.

- I don't know, dogs.

I think I'm digging this new look.

- Yeah, we're digging ours too.

Ha!

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪