07x13 - Hunn-cut Gems/Can't Lynn Them All

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

- ♪ In the Loud house, in the Loud house ♪

- ♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

- ♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

- ♪ Loud, Loud, Loud ♪

♪ Loud house ♪

- Poo-poo.

[festive music]

♪ ♪

- [groans] Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, my back!

Of all the times for it to go,

why did it have to be Christmas?

[bones cracking] Oh!

Oof!

- What'd I miss?

- Three wails, two moans,

and "ding-dang darn its."

I just need Dad to say the word "sciatica,"

and I'll win this year's bingo game.

[soft festive music]

- You probably think my sisters are being a little harsh.

But let me assure you, my dad's totally fine.

- [groans]

- Every year, he fakes the same back injury

to get out of seeing his brother, our Uncle Lance,

which stinks, because that means we can't

spend the holidays with our Aunt Sharon or our cousins.

The trouble started five years ago.

Uncle Lance and his family drove all the way

from Petoskey Falls to spend the holidays with us.

'Twas the night before Christmas

when all through Loud house,

not a child was stirring

to the relief of Mr. Grouse.

The adults finished dessert,

figgy pudding, so decadent.

When Mom stood to call out...

- It's time to play White Elephant.

- I'm up first.

- Dad said as he reached in the pile,

and pulled out a present that gave him a smile.

- [gasps] It's a spatula!

- He shouted, and the new model too.

Then Uncle Lance eyed his paper

as a giddy grin grew.

- Oh, I'm up next in this game,

and I think I'll take that.

- Which made Dad jump to his feet in two seconds flat.

- But I wanted that, Lance.

- My dad did burst.

- Tough toenails, it's mine now.

You'll have to catch me first.

- [grunting] Give it!

- Acting like children, the men gave chase

over sofas, side tables,

and the crackling fireplace.

- [blows raspberry]

I can do this all night, champ.

You should give up and stop.

- But Dad leapt for the spatula,

making Lance's new ball pop!

both: Oof! [groan]

- My Ab Blaster !

Lynnie, look what you did!

- It's your fault. You've been messing with me

since we were kids!

- Your fault times a thousand.

- Nuh-uh, it's your fault times infinity.

- The brothers continued their bickering symphony.

both: Well, we agree on one thing.

- Barked these two angry men.

both: Let's never speak to each other--

never, ever again.

- But this year's going to be different,

I promise you that.

For the first time in years,

Gramps is finally back.

Ugh. Sorry, still in rhyme mode.

Guys, put away your bingo cards.

I've got a little plan to bring Dad

and Uncle Lance back together.

- [laughs] Yeah! - [gasps] Lincoln has a plan.

That's my last space!

Bingo! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- [wailing]

- And you say all of this pain

that started suddenly last night out of nowhere

is from athlete's foot?

- It's what happens to athletes, Shar-Shar.

Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so physically gifted.

Agh!

- It's okay, Dad.

Sweater Santa will get you a new foot.

[deep-voiced] h*, h*, h*.

I've got one lying around the North Pole.

Don't ask. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa--whoo!

Christmas tree cannonball!

- Shiloh, no cannonballs in the house.

But it was a perfect , baby.

- ♪ O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree ♪

♪ Oh, please don't crush my family ♪

♪ Because they have to come to my a capella Christmas show ♪

[cell phone rings]

Hey! It's Lincoln.

Hey, cuz--whoa! - It hurts so much!

- Sounds like your dad's

seasonal aches and pains are back too.

- Guess it's gonna be another year apart.

- Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about.

What if I told you there was a way

for us to spend Christmas together this year?

- And what if I told you,

goldfish speak fluent Portuguese.

I thought we were just saying stuff.

Are you serious?

Christmas together would be amazing.

- Yep. I call it "Operation See You on the Brother Side."

Phase one: get our dads in the same place.

Time to put in a call to Gramps.

- Yes? Oh!

- Wish I could say this is the weirdest thing

I've delivered to this house.

Looking at you, Spooky.

- [hisses]

- Stay back, ghoul child!

- This must be from Gramps.

- [yelps]

"Set sail on the SS 'Gramps.'

"Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon?

Please RSVP in enclosed prestamped flounder."

Oh, dear! Oh. [chuckles]

Christmas with Dad.

Oh, heck yes!

- [clears throat]

What about your bad back, dear?

- Well, you know, I'm-- I'm feeling a lot better now.

I am. It's--it's a Christmas miracle!

[chuckles]

- Texting cousins, "Dad bought it."

Ooh, Shelby's typing.

Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs-up emoji.

Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too.

- Yes!

[car horn honks, tires squeal]

[tires screech]

Hiya, Gramps!

- Well, chum my bucket.

If it isn't a school of Louds!

[laughing] - [laughing] Hi, Dad!

all: Yay! Hey, Gramps!

[car horn honks]

- Endure-Lance Gym?

[gasps] No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not him.

- [growls]

both: What are you doing here?

I asked you first.

Dad!

- [chuckles nervously] - Don't be mad at Gramps.

This was our idea.

We knew you would only come

if you thought your brother wasn't.

- Agh, it's time you two bury the spatula once and for all.

What do you say?

- Okay, everyone in the van!

- Yeah, we're going back home too.

- Wait. You two have to stay.

Consider it an early Christmas present to us.

- Um, that will not be one of mine.

- Honey, it's Christmas Eve.

Remember our mantra.

both: I am strong here, I am strong here,

and I'm strong here.

- [inhales deeply] Fine.

But I'm not happy about it.

- Oh--oh, yeah?

Well, I'm even less happy about it.

- Great. You're both unhappy.

At least you have that in common.

[both huff]

- Oh, well. - [sighs]

So they haven't changed.

But it's so good to see you.

- You too. [laughs]

- Yeah! - Yay!

- Okay, it's going about as well as I expected.

Now for phase two: family Christmas activities.

Once our dads get in the holiday spirit,

they'll totally forget about their fight.

- [deep-voiced] Never underestimate

the power of Christmas.

[laughter and cheers]

Super spin! Super spin!

[laughs]

Whoo!

- Ha ha! Oh, boy.

Now remember, kids, check left, check right,

check left again, th--

- Where's the fun in that, Lynnie?

Just go! - Oh, no, no, no!

[screaming]

- Whoa. Awesome!

- Oof! all: Ooh.

- [laughs]

- [grumbling]

all: ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all-- ♪ - Mmm--stop!

Listen, Lance, buddy.

You might have perfect pecs,

but you definitely don't have perfect pitch.

[both wince]

Okay? It's...

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

- Fine. ♪ Jingle bell-- ♪

- No, I'm gonna--I'm gonna have to stop you right there, okay?

Listen to me. Here we go.

♪ Jingle bells ♪

♪ Meet me up here ♪

- [growls] ♪ Jingle bells ♪

- No, no. ♪ Bells ♪

- ♪ Bells! ♪

- ♪ Bells ♪

both: ♪ Bells! ♪

[wolf howls] [all gasp]

[both scream]

[wolf whimpers]

- Aw, what a cute wittle snowman, Lynnie.

- Yeah, well, I wasn't finished, obviously.

[chaotic music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic musical flourish]

Now whose is bigger, huh?

both: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oof!

- [singsongy] My snow pile is bigger!

- Is not!

[all sigh]

[sulky music]

♪ ♪

[both growl]

- Ugh. Well, that was a total bust, dudes.

- I think they hate each other even more now.

- Aw, fish paste.

You minnows warm up in here.

I'm gonna go get us a tree for the mess hall.

Your dads used to love helping me pick one out.

It was our favorite Christmas tradition.

But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening.

- Hmm.

What if we make it happen?

Maybe this will be the one thing

that brings them together.

[soft festive music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree!

[grunting]

- Do you remember the time

that tree accidentally fell on Vanzilla?

- [grunting]

[horn blares]

[gasps]

[both snickering]

[grunting]

- Oh, oh, or how about

the great squirrel incident?

[squirrels growl]

[squirrels chittering] - [yelping]

[both laughing]

- [chuckling] You know, nothing beats

that time we accidentally chopped down

that telephone pole.

[both wince, laugh]

- We didn't have phone service for a month.

[laughter]

- Timber!

[deer bleats]

[horn blares]

Oh! [laughter]

- Make way!

Gramps, instead of a star,

I put a starfish on top.

Christmas tree cannonball!

Whoo! - Ah--oof!

- The Loud brothers do it again!

You know, I don't even know what we were fighting about.

[timer dings]

- I made my famous gingerbread Louds.

- Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.

[dramatic music sting]

- [gasps] Spider!

♪ ♪

[screaming]

[grunting]

- Aah!

My new spatula!

[growls]

[all wince]

- Uh, maybe I spoke too soon.

- [chuckles nervously]

- [gasps] You did that on purpose!

- Did not. - Did too!

- Quit being such a weenie.

It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?

- [gasps] You wouldn't harm the Ab Blaster--

this one's the !

- Well, what can I say?

We "weenies" are unpredictable.

[grunts]

Ahh-- [chomping]

[grunting]

- [gasps, growls]

- Lynn!

- Say goodbye to gingerbread you.

- [gasps]

- Lance!

[building unsettling music]

- [chuckles mischievously] Say goodbye to--

[straining]

Okay, not that.

- [laughs]

- Aha!

♪ ♪

[grunting]

- [gasps]

"For Lynn." Ha.

Not today, Santa. - [gasps]

- Goal!

- Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.

[air horn blasts]

- For the love of Neptune, enough!

Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?

- I am not having Christmas with him.

- I'm not having Christmas with him.

- Well, we're all here for the night,

so how are we going to make this work?

- Well, this works for me.

- Works for me--more!

- Uh, yeah, not so much for me.

- Sorry, Dad, but it's the only way

to make sure you don't take sides.

- [groans] Can someone pass the gravy?

- Mine's flavored with bacon!

- That'll take five years off your life, Dad.

Mine's tofu.

[both growling] - Come on, come on, come on.

- Oh, oh!

Hot, hot, hot, hot! [screams]

- Guys, this is the worst.

- The fighting or the tofu gravy?

- We gotta meet with the cousins

and think of something quick.

[mischievous music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, here we go again.

- Oh, oh, really? - Stop this.

- You know what ruins Christmas?

Tofu!

- Lance, remember your breathing.

♪ ♪

[whispering indistinctly]

[overlapping shouting]

- We gotta go pee--

really bad.

- ♪ Hot cocoa running right through me ♪

- Tiny bladders.

What can you do?

- Us too.

- Must run in the family.

[chuckles]

[overlapping shouting]

- So it's up to us, guys.

We have to think of a way to save Christmas.

- Give me space, people.

- [yelping] - What is happening?

[overlapping chatter, loud crashing]

- We call this a Category Shelby brainstorm.

It's how she comes up with ideas.

- Yeesh. I'd hate to see what a Category looks like.

- What if we go buy

a new spatula and new exercise ball.

We wrap them up and leave them under the tree

with gift tags from Uncle Lynn and Dad.

- And then they'll perceive the other wants to reconcile.

[gasps] That's genius.

- Operation See You on the Brother Side

is back on track!

Remember the plan.

We'll drive to the store and get the spatula and ball.

The rest of you make sure

the grown-ups don't notice we're gone.

We'll stay in touch with my David Steele walkie-talkies.

- Ready for action!

[playful music]

- You're sure the store is this way?

- Oh, %.

♪ ♪

I'm downgrading that to %.

I think it's the other way now.

[tires screech]

None of this snow looks familiar.

I'm revising that to %.

[tires screech]

Okay, so don't hate me.

[both groan]

[tires screeching]

[all screaming]

all: Oof!

- Did I mention I have a terrible sense of direction?

- [pants]

I literally have no idea where we are.

How do we find the store?

- [gasps] Look, over there!

That's gotta be it.

- [snoring]

- Come on, Shar-Shar, you can do it!

- What's all the hollering about?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[both cheer] - That's my lady!

- Yeah! Our family Christmas tree

powerlift competition.

We do it every year.

- Okay. is the new record to beat.

Shelbs, you're up.

[suspicious music]

Where'd she go?

- She's off stretching.

Doesn't want to pull a hammy.

- Smart.

- I'll go next!

, , , ...

- [clears throat]

[watch ticking]

- [slowly] ,

...

- And now it's time for the annual

cutting of the Lynn-cemeat pie.

Hey, wh-where are Lincoln and Lori?

♪ ♪

- It go time.

- Uh, don't worry, Dad, we're down here,

um, under the table, wrapping presents.

- Oh, Lincoln, can you hand me the tape, please?

- Here you go, Lori-Lou.

Dad, um, you can go ahead and cut the pie.

We're pretty busy, so we'll take ours down here.

- Hm.

- [giggles]

- Ooh!

[both chomping]

Let's keep moving, people.

♪ ♪

- [gasps] - The store!

We're almost there.

- Hey, by any chance did either of you bring swim floaties?

- Huh? - I'm sorry, what?

- Thought I'd ask since we're running

on top of a frozen lake that's not so frozen anymore.

[ice cracks]

[dramatic music]

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

- Guys, help!

- That's okay, son.

You don't have to wrap my gift perfectly.

- Please help!

- We're on a chunk of ice in the middle of the lake!

- And no one brought floaties!

[both gasp] [both gasp]

- Shelbs? What the heck is going on?

- We need help! - [gasps]

You know, this is all your fault, Lance.

If you hadn't acted like such a jerk,

the kids never would have tried to pull this stunt.

- Oh, I was the jerk? You were the one who--

- Stop! This is no time for arguing.

- Rita's right. You have to go rescue the kids.

Hurry, please.

[both grunting]

- I was here first!

- No, I was!

- Oh, for trout's sake.

[grunts]

- Dibs on driving! - I'm driving.

- You drive like a maniac!

- You drive like a granny.

[both grunting]

- I do not drive like a granny.

[tense music]

- Dad! [both gasp]

Help! - Save us!

- Aah!

[all whimper and scream]

- Just stay calm, kids.

It's gonna be okay, I promise.

Why did I promise that?

It's not gonna be okay. They're too far!

- Um, Dad, we can still hear you.

[ice cracks] [all whimper]

- Focus, Lynnie.

As Sharon says, right now we gotta be strong here.

[dramatic martial music]

I got it. We make a zip line!

Thank goodness for birthday gifts from Dad

I didn't think I'd ever use.

[grunting]

♪ ♪

- Me? - I'm too heavy.

It's all this ding-dang muscle mass.

You can do it though.

Just be strong here.

- Ow.

Uh--[screaming]

[ice cracking] [all whimpering]

[yelping] Whoa!

[all scream]

Whoa, whoa!

[all crying]

- [gasps]

[grunts]

[all screaming]

Ah!

[grunts] - [groans]

- You did it! - Whoo!

You're both literally the best.

- How about we get back to that fire, huh?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- My poor little minnows.

I hope they're okay.

[car doors close]

[all gasp]

- Hey. - Mom!

[all cheer] - They made it.

- Baby! Shelbs! - Kids!

- [sighs]

Everybody, I-I need to say something.

After I saw our kids in danger out there today on the lake,

well, I came to the realization that there's something...

[choking up] A heck of a lot more important

than spatulas and A-A-Ab Blasters.

[crying] And th--and that's--

and that's f-family.

- You said it, Lynnie!

All that dumb fighting is in the past.

The main thing is, we're brothers,

and we've got each other's backs.

- No matter what.

[both sobbing]

- I'm so happy my two first mates are back together.

[all sobbing]

- Reconciliation cannonball!

[screams] Oof!

[laughter]

[festive music]

♪ ♪

- This is all so nice.

I'm surprised Shane doesn't have a Christmas song for us.

- Way ahead of you, Mom.

Check this out.

- Oh, yeah! Let me get in on this, cuz.

[guitar plays]

- ♪ I know I can't ignore the sound ♪

♪ Of siblings gathered all around ♪

♪ I just want my family on Christmas Day ♪

- ♪ Although we sometimes fuss and fight ♪

♪ Our love is always shining bright ♪

both: ♪ I just want my family on Christmas Day ♪

♪ I just want my family on ♪

all: ♪ Christmas Day ♪

- [deep-voiced] Merry Christmas, everybody.

h*, h*, h*!

- ♪ Cramped inside this tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Duck and dodge and push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪ - ♪ Loud house ♪

- ♪ Laundry piles stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud house ♪