08x13 - A Bite in Transylvania/Greece is the Word

[bunniefuu]

♪ Crashing through The crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls Like ping-pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach The bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell For miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do What he can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House In the Loud House ♪

♪ Duck, dodge, push and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House In the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it For the world ♪

♪ Loud House Loud, Loud House ♪

Poo poo!

[eerie music]

[playful music]

[thunder cracks]

[all whimpering]

Can we please pull over?

Look at all this great stuff we're missing.

Sweetie, we agreed to pass through Transylvania

so you can see all your horrible,

ghoulish sights.

But there is no way we're getting off this bus.

We don't want to traumatize Lily.

Plus, we can't risk being on the road after dark.

Everyone knows there are vampires

in this neck of the woods.

[laughs] Get it?

Neck?

Seriously, though, I'm scared.

[shudders] That makes of us.

The Louds are still double-decking across Europe,

and it was Lucy's turn to choose our next destination.

Transylvania!

Everybody relax.

Sadly, there's nothing to fear.

There haven't been any real vampires

in Transylvania for centuries.

-[bus rumbles] -Huh?

-[Lynn Sr.] What's that? -[growls]

[screams] Werewolf!

-[all screaming] -[tires screeching]

[loud crash]

[groans] Gasp.

[bleats]

-[all groan] -Ooh!

Sorry. My night vision is not too great. [laughs]

Well, the tire's shredded.

Yup. Along with everything else.

Without my tools, we'll definitely need a tow.

Ugh! Good luck calling one.

There's literally no service out here.

So... we're stranded

in the creepy Transylvanian woods

where no one can hear us scream?

-[caws] -[screams]

-[shuddering] -We can't stay out here.

We'll just have to knock on someone's door

and ask to use their phone.

Oh! Maybe those people are home.

[ominous music]

[thunder rumbles]

[all whimper]

Looks nice.

[all whimpering]

[horse whinnies]

[door creaking]

[all scream]

[clears throat]

[nervous chuckle] Hi.

Sorry to bother you. Um, we have a flat tire.

Do you have a landline we could use?

Yes.

-[all sigh] -See, kids?

We're saved!

-And no. -[Louds groaning]

We have one, but it's not currently working.

Oh! Well, maybe you can point us in the direction of a hotel?

There are no hotels.

Not for miles and miles.

Okay! You heard the man.

We'll just sleep in the broken bus.

I don't advise sleeping in your bus after dark.

There are many horrible, terrible, bloodsucking...

[whimpering]

...gnats.

-I hate gnats. Ugh! -[gnat buzzes]

You are welcome to stay here for the night.

We have plenty of room.

[whimpers]

Oh, that is so nice,

but we wouldn't want to impose.

Thanks, anyway!

-[whimpers] -Wait.

-Why can't we stay? -Look at those two.

They're giving off seriously spooky vibes.

You always tell us not to judge a book by its cover.

Uh, yes, unless that cover is really scary.

I'd expect this from most normies,

but not my own family.

You can sleep in the bus. I'm going inside.

[buzzing]

[yelps] That's it!

I'm getting eaten alive!

I'll take my chances in the castle.

The bugs are pretty bad.

-So bad. -Ditto.

-You said it. -I'm team castle.

-Let's go, honey. -I'm sure it'll be fine.

-[buzzing] -[screams]

[evil laughter]

Well, here we are.

I love the decor of your castle.

It's very mid-century goth.

How lovely of you to notice.

Please, come in.

Oh! Forgive us, we have not introduced ourselves.

I am Nos F. Ratu and this is my wife, Ulla.

Nos F. Ratu, why does that name sound familiar?

[grunts, groans]

-[screams] -Apologies for the darkness.

Our power goes out when it's windy.

-[bats screech] -[Louds scream]

We also have a little bat problem.

Little? [laughs nervously]

You know, on second thought...

-No one leaves this house! -[Louds gasp]

Without getting a good night's sleep.

[all gulp]

Here we are.

Please, come in. Make yourselves at home.

Thank you for your hospitality.

You're very welcome.

What a lovely girl.

We always dreamed of having a daughter just like her.

[nervous chuckle]

Yeah, she's a keeper. [giggles]

Well, we'll leave you now.

You must be weary from your travels.

Scream if you need anything.

[laughs]

Huh! Okay, here's the plan.

The Ratus are clearly vampires.

-Irrefutably. -One hundred percent.

[Lucy] Mm.

So no one leaves this room

for any reason.

We'll escape in the morning

while they're asleep in their coffins.

Again, all the vampires around here

were driven out years ago by fearful villagers.

The Ratus are just nice people who are trying to help us.

Who's gonna help me barricade this door?

[Louds] Me!

[sighs] There!

No one is getting in or out.

-[knock on door] -Dinner is ready.

Ulla made her famous blood sausage.

Uh, that sounds yummers, but, uh, we're not feeling well.

Whoa. Yeah. Must be the old double-decker bus sickness.

Yeah.

[all retching]

I'm sorry you are all ill.

I'm sure some rest will do you well.

Seriously? It was super nice of them to make us dinner.

Dude, they're vampires! We are the dinner.

Can everyone stop saying "dinner"? I'm really hungry.

Hi, Really Hungry. I'm Luan. [laughs]

But, seriously, I'm starving.

-Dude, I'm famished! -What is happening?!

Okay, nobody panic.

There's some Lynnsagna on the bus.

Someone just has to sneak out and get it.

[all] Dibs not!

[groans] Dang it.

Oh, Ulla! They are so juicy.

-[squirts] -[screams] Mm.

[pants, screams]

-[loud thud] -[grunts, groans]

-Ah! -Is everything all right?

[screams]

Uh... Yeah! Oh... Great!

I just... I just... I was just getting some air.

You know, stretching the ol' walking bones.

[growling]

[whimpering]

[growls] Achoo!

Ugh! Excuse me. My allergies are acting up.

It's Romanian ragweed season.

I must go inside.

-Achoo! -Phew.

-[cawing] -[yelping]

[panting]

The Lynnsagna mission was a fail.

-No further questions, please. -[all groan]

Well, I say we all hit the hay.

We can't be hungry if we're not awake. Right?

We just need one person to stay awake on neck watch.

[all] Dibs not!

Ooh, I hate dibs not!

Fine, I'll do it.

And you can all rest easy knowing your ol' Dad

is watching over you like a hawk.

[snores]

What?! I just shut my eyes for that last second there.

So you didn't see who moved all the furniture?

[gasps] Well, at least everyone is safe and sound.

Where's Lucy?

[gasps] They took my baby!

[Mrs. Ratu] Yes, this way to the basement.

[gasps] They said they wanted a daughter just like her.

They're clearly taking her to their dungeon to bite her

so they could live together for eternity!

Let's get 'em!

Mom, Dad, stop.

This is ridiculous.

We can't hunt vampires...

without vampire-hunting supplies.

[thrilling music]

[clattering]

All right, what have we got?

[Lincoln] Ooh! Dad's souvenir garlic from Italy.

This will keep them away.

Oh, and I've got the UV flashlight

to simulate sunlight.

And I've got the travel pillows to protect our necks.

Cute! We so look like legit vampire hunters, you guys.

Say "blood."

[all] Blood!

[Ratus laughing]

[Lucy laughs]

That's Lucy!

Hurry!

Hey, wait for... [grunts]

[Lynn Sr. screaming]

[all screaming]

[ominous music]

Get your fangs away from our daughter!

-Yeah! -Release the garlic!

Ow! Stop it!

Taste UV rays, you immortal beasts!

-Oh! -Ugh!

Whoa!

[glass shatters]

Ah! Blood!

Come on, Lucy! Let's go!

Wait, you don't understand.

[screams] We're too late.

Those vampires already bit her!

[all gasp]

You monsters!

[all yelling]

[both scream]

Stop!

[gasps] She raised her voice.

It must be her new vampire side.

I'm not a vampire.

The Ratus didn't bite me. The gnats did.

-[gasps] -So I unblocked the door

and went to ask these nice people

for some anti-itch cream and a bandage.

That's why they brought me down here.

Yes. This is where we keep our first aid.

Oh! Ha... Wow.

We just thought, you know, Transylvania, the bats...

The coffin upstairs.

Coffin? You mean our tanning bed?

Transylvania gets very little sun in winter.

We need to maintain our base tan.

What about all this blood on the floor?

You mean my homemade blackberry juice?

Oh! Looks like we've lost a whole season's worth.

-[all grunt] -Oh, man.

We really messed things up.

You've both been so nice and welcoming,

and look how we treated you.

You're not the monsters. We are.

Yes, we're all so sorry.

Please let us make it up to you.

We'll start by cleaning this mess.

Hey, good idea. And since we missed your dinner,

I'll cook us breakfast.

Thanks for cooking for us all day.

I can't stop eating this garlic bread.

And thank you for letting me use your tanning bed.

You're all set!

Safe travels!

You know, kiddo, if I hadn't learned my lesson,

I'd think that mechanic was a werewolf.

[both laugh]

[howls]

[bright, upbeat music]

The Louds' European road trip continues.

Next stop, Athens, Greece!

[lively music]

Today, all that's left of the Parthenon

are these beautiful ruins,

but this place was once an open-air market...

Ponytail, this is not your gym.

[grunting]

[pillar shatters]

As I was saying,

this place was once an open-air market,

kind of ancient Greece's version of a mall.

Ooh! I wonder if I can use my Reininger's discount here.

[yawns]

[Clyde] Lincoln, how can you yawn?

You're in Athens,

surrounded by incredible Greek history!

If I wanted to see a building slowly crumble,

I could've stayed at my house.

[grunts]

And I'm tired of tripping on broken stuff.

During their many travels at sea,

Greek heroes often encountered incredible creatures,

like the singing sirens,

the Minotaur, and the one-eyed Cyclops.

[Clyde] Ooh! I love Greek mythology.

Hold your phone up, I don't want to miss the juicy details.

Those were just myths.

They weren't even real, like David Steele.

[grunting]

Whoa!

Ooh, check this out!

That looks like an ancient Spartan helmet.

Very good, kid getting free tour on the phone.

Back then, soldiers' helmets were said to be forged

by the gods on Mount Olympus, giving them magical powers.

Now, if you'll follow me,

we'll take a peek at ancient Greek plumbing systems.

Bleh!

[gasps] Sweet!

You know what I have to do, right?

I would say treat the ancient artifact

with respect and don't touch it,

but I know you so I won't bother.

-[zapping] -[yelps]

Huh?

Whoa! What just happened?

Clyde, did you see that? Huh?

No reception.

Oh. Uh...

How did I end up on an island?

Wait, the guide said these helmets

are supposed to have magical powers.

I bet when I put it on it transported me here.

I hope it can also take me back.

Come on, magic helmet.

[grunting]

[flatulence]

-Helmet trouble? -Clyde!

Actually, it's Clydius McBridius.

What is going on? Where am I?

When am I?

Relax, you're in Greece.

-Whew! -And it's BC.

[groans, grunts]

[gasps] This helmet didn't just blast me onto an island,

it transported me back in time.

I should have never tried it on.

You're a time traveler?

Yes! I knew it was possible.

I'm writing a short story on this pottery.

It's about a time-traveling kid, but...

I don't have it figured out yet.

Wow, very cool, Clyde... ius.

You know, I could use your expertise.

The helmet may have brought me here,

but it doesn't seem to want to take me back.

And I need to return to my family.

Any ideas?

Hmmm...

Perhaps you have angered the gods

by taking something that doesn't belong to you.

I bet you'll be returned to your time if you put it back

where you found it.

That would be the Parthenon.

Any chance you could sail me there?

Heck yeah!

If I can see time travel in action,

I might be able to finish my story.

Come on!

Help yourself to a lemon...

Lincoln, was it?

I come out to that island to get these,

so I can put 'em in my homemade yogurt.

[sirens sing] ♪ Lincoln... ♪

Hey!

What is that beautiful music?

[sirens sing] ♪ Clydius...

It's the sirens!

They use their voices to hypnotize sailors

and lure them over to their island

so they can devour them!

-♪ Lincoln... -They're calling to me.

Quick! Use these to shut out the music--

-Whoa! -Ah!

[sirens singing] ♪ Lincoln... ♪

♪ Lincoln... ♪

♪ Lincoln... ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ We just want to meet you ♪

♪ We are totally Not trying to eat you ♪

♪ Nothing here is suspicious ♪

♪ But you sure look delicious ♪

Whoa...

[screeching]

[loud crash]

Whoa...

Lincoln, no!

[yelps]

Beautiful...

[grunts]

We gotta get out of here.

[snarling]

[both panting]

Thanks for the save.

I'm sorry I almost got us devoured.

And that I wrecked your boat.

Don't worry, my dads insured it.

But we do need to find another boat

if we want to get back to the Parthenon.

Hey, check that out!

Free boat!

Uh...

[pants]

A hedge maze! This'll be super easy.

I don't wanna brag, but I'm kind of an expert at these.

Lincoln, no!

[playful music]

We can't be in here!

Why? What's the big deal?

The big deal is the Minotaur.

-[growls] -[nervous laugh]

You two are trespassing in my maze!

Prepare to be devoured!

You know... funny story,

you're the second creature that's wanted to eat us today.

I mean, what are the odds?

-[growls] -[screams]

[snarling]

[panting]

I've got an idea!

[growls]

[yelps]

[groaning]

Now, let's find that boat and sail back to the Parthenon.

There it is!

[both] Woo-hoo!

[grunts, groans]

Who goes there?

Seriously, I can't tell.

I don't have the best peripheral vision.

-The Cyclops! -Uh...

We're just two super nice Greek guys

looking to borrow a boat.

To use my boat,

you must solve an ancient riddle.

If you fail...

Oh, let me guess, you'll devour us?

What? Ew. No. Gross.

I've been vegan for three years, and I've never felt better.

[both] Phew.

If you fail, I'm gonna club you to pieces.

-Uh... -It's okay, I got this.

My dads are always running flash cards with me,

in case I ever meet the Cyclops.

So, what's it gonna be? Math? Science? Philosophy?

Here is your riddle, boys. [clears throat]

Why was six afraid of seven?

Huh? What kind of ridiculous question is that?

Don't worry. I got this.

Thanks to my sister Luan, I know a ton of bad jokes.

Six was afraid of seven... because seven, eight, nine.

[groans] That's correct.

Wait, we won? Yes! [laughs]

Bet you didn't see that coming!

Was that a dig at my eyeball?

The deal is off! [screams]

I'm gonna pound you

into a million smart-alecky pieces!

Well, Nana Gaylius always says,

when life gives you lemons, make lemon juice!

[screams]

[grunts]

We'll take the boat now, thank you.

Yes! We made it to Athens.

Let's head to the Parthenon.

This should be super easy.

All I need to do is put the helmet back exactly where...

[grunts]

[fanfare music]

[horse neighs]

Oh, no!

I forgot the Parthenon isn't a museum yet.

Everything looks completely different.

I don't know where to put this thing.

I'm going to be stuck in BC forever

and never see my family again.

Wait!

[Lincoln] "Lost, one Spartan helmet.

Contact Rustus the Great."

Well, maybe your helmet belongs to this guy,

and if you return it to him, that'll send you back home.

Okay. How are we supposed to find this Rustus the Great?

He's right over there, doing the popus and lockus.

[lively music]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I should've known.

[grunts]

-Hooray! Yeah! -All right!

What's up, Greek dawgs?

Is that my helmet?

If this works, I won't have time to say goodbye, so...

thank you for helping me get here.

Are you kidding?

Thank you!

Now I can finish my pottery short story.

You know, where I come from, we call those "comics."

"Comics."

I like that!

Aw, that's sweet.

Helmet, please?

Oh, yeah. Fits like a glove. Huh?

[zapping]

[grunts]

Hey! Where ya been, Stinkin'!

-Ha! Lynn! -Bleh!

Gross! What are you doing?

I'm just so happy to see you!

To see all of you!

Oh, that's sweet, honey. But you shouldn't have run off.

We have been looking all over for you.

Oh, were we supposed to be looking for Lincoln?

I found a huge sale on vintage sandals.

That wasn't a sale rack.

It was a showcase of ancient Greek footwear.

What is with this family?

Listen, sweetie, you have been a real trooper

with all these historic tours.

So your Dad and I decided

we're going to spend the afternoon

doing whatever fun thing you want.

Actually, I'm starting to think history is fun.

I'd love to hear more about Greek mythology.

[Clyde] Me too!

Clyde, you're back!

I'm back? You're back!

I lost you when you put on that helmet.

Hey! Look at that vase behind you.

Is that... us on it?

[Lincoln] Whoa!

Clydius actually finished his story!

Who's Clydius?

And is that... Rusty?

Buddy, do I have a story to tell you.

[whimsical music]

♪ Cramped inside This tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad But ain't the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Duck and dodge And push and shove ♪

♪ That's the way We show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪

♪ Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles Stacked up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs That make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪