01x06 - Sammy Makes Amends

[bunniefuu]

jamie my boy hey carl this is what i've been telling you about the one on the tv show the one that's gonna clear up your tab easy pat let him get settled hey

speaking of money where's that you owe me jamie i'm glad you brought that up in lieu of money oh in lieu of i'm

already in trouble i promise strike two let's table the business chatter so i was sitting here last night having

dinner what's dinner two beers and a bowl of pretzels it's happy hour jaime i don't make the rules i just get in and out for a buck as i was saying a little

cutie walks in and plops down next to me so we started a little makey-outy oh i'm darting my tongue around checking for

cavities you know what i have to interrupt this story to gross out hey nobody complains when tommy and pamela lee do it right it's the exact same

thing

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low five

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low five

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look at it a -- hemi motor horsepower with after cooler intake

polished aluminum heads and you're not driving it sammy what do you mean i'm all about preserving the history look at

the dune buggy i rest my case me too

oh vixen of valvoline she is sweet

anywho good news james the [ __ ] man action figure has gone from far-fetched fantasy to a not-so-far-fetched

reality didn't we kind of agree it was time for me to move on from [ __ ] man uh-huh i used to think like that too but then i got a call from smack dab toys

okay and they turned me right around let me tell you they made a pretty persuasive argument for this thing yeah and what argument was that that it's a

doll jamie a doll all cool and posable with with with arms and legs and and and cute little clothes and it's a butt load

of money ear butter marks wow that much and i won't have to do anything worst case scenario a few pictures

it's like the mother of all breathalyzers

hey dad hi quintina turner what are you doing out here i'm hunting nightcrawlers see you going fishing are you no why

no reason hey give me a push so i don't wake anyone when i started well gee that's

considerate now push me down to sunset gee that's

really considerate

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keeper close cover

i said keep it close

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you like

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eat that garbage

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ugh

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oh thank god don't worry mr blake hey how'd you know my name buddy

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so we all agree if we gotta we'll pull the plug you have to bring that up every two minutes i'm just saying

i should have helped him with the car oh hell hell dad i'm alive yeah

you are alive i'm alive i don't know how i escaped your prince of darkness but you're not gonna get my soul i won't let you

i've been given a second chance that'll be good you'll see but if there's a relapse we're still pulling the plug right

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yeah though i walk through the shadow of the valley of the dolls that can't be right what the hell are you doing sammy a small prayer of thanks

before i dig in proud mary full of grace big wheels keep on turning

uh i'm in over my head yellow james i just got off the phone with smack dab here's the skinny in a

nut bag they want you to come down and do some kind of three-dimensional thing inside another thing i don't know mark i have no idea what you're saying well i

don't know how much clearer i can make it for you come on i mean jeez hmm uh dad uh you wanted to see us yes my

sons come in close the door my sons do you boys believe in second chances ha ha do i how many times have they sold this

baby back on i've done some terrible things in my life no no it's true

but just like moses said when he came down from mount rushmore it ain't over till the fat lady sings uh he was recently in a very bad

accident and he's dumb i samuel blake do solemnly vow to make amends for my insensitivity

my indifference and as of late my incontinence i love you and i apologize really you bet now come here boys group hug and

let's make it count ow sorry son yeah i'm already apologizing i envy you james why is that because you

get to be a doll it's an action figure mark i prefer doll don't know why i think i do look this can't take long i gotta get back to sammy we'll be in and

out in the flash i am thaddeus please take off your clothes and get onto the table okeydoke he's talking to james god i envy you

oh james you really need to get some sun i'd like to see you lay on this table with nothing on with a bikini bottom in the shower cap seriously i would please

james blake don't move just as you're an actor i too am an artist

shouldn't you have shaved his body here oh that is gonna be an owie there you go fish buddy

hey todd my boy remember what i said yesterday well when you were acting all funny it's not an act i'm here to make

up for all the birthdays i missed all the times i wasn't there and all the times i was there but was too drunk to remember here's a fish for my favorite

son don't tell your brothers oh geez you know nothing says i love you like a fish

every time you look at that fish i want you to think of your old dad sammy

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oh man look at the size of those no must be strong oh father

oh i will be your father figure put your tiny hand in mine it's just so weird i mean sammy's acting like well like my

dad yeah cutting your meat for you was a little bit much allow me oh why thank you not at all i

took the liberty of ordering dessert ooh creme brulee sammy i'm impressed it's on me kids and i want to do more than just pick up the

chick i want to pick up the pieces tell me where to start you know what i really want sammy uh dad sh**t i always wanted to have a

father-son chat like the other kids had with their dads you know where the dad tells the kid uh life stuff can do

over the years i've learned many a valuable lesson now i will hand those down to the son that i love the most don't tell your brothers well better

late than never well the first thing i wanted to say was better late than never but i got more like learn a new word every day today mine was gibbon i

believe it's a kind of monkey or scooter good to know dad always double down on . next time mary for love not

convenience what do you mean next time well it's obvious the two of you might be great parents to little wiley but there's no fire in the passion furnace

come on what that's ridiculous we've got plenty of passion to tell him emily yeah yeah

why did you hesitate i didn't there was definitely a moment gary you're being ridiculous oh so i have no passion and

i'm ridiculous good to know i will not be sucked into this conversation yeah well you sucked down the brule pretty good

screw you and your father and little fyi i am not fat oh yeah don't ever talk about a chick's weight that's day one

stuff if i make this shot i hug you if i miss you hug me i don't think i like those

odds i understand you have an intimacy problem well where do you think i got it from dr laura i feel your pain jamie i

left you kids and it's not your fault i know it's not it's not your fault i know can we just finish the game you're creeping me out i'm creeping myself out

son but we gotta fight past it i'm gonna hug you deep and i'm gonna hug you along yuck they'll run from your feelings

ugh get off me you freak you're my favorite son don't tell your brothers i love you so much it hurts oh

you see what i mean what the hell is wrong with you just because you decided to change doesn't mean everyone else has to some of us

ugh i can't believe you did that believe it for it is written that he was without sin throughout the first pitch of the season

oh so close hello james i have good news and i have bad news what's the good news there's no

time for that let me just give you the headlines molds broken goop everywhere messy james if we want to make the

holiday deadline we need you back in the lab tooth sweet i've had enough of this crap mark i hear you james i really do but we're too far

down the pike and i don't even know what a pike is uh i've really got to get this phone fixed

mr jamie you have to do something mr sammy he cleaned the whole house so good what's wrong with that with nothing to

do all i have time for is to think how meaningless my life is please someone order me to do something anything want

her to make you some creme brulee yes that's what i want i want creme brulee coming up right away miss emily i'd like creme brulee every night gary actually

you know what i would settle for it once a week twice a month even in fact surprise me in the shower come on would everyone just settle down how can you

settle down with dead fish i ask myself that every day what you i oh fish who eats all my other fish why did you eat

all my other fish cause it came from sammy you idiot nothing good ever comes from sammy don't call me an idiot no

your brother's right i am an idiot no he's right about sammy i mean look at us thanks to his new leaf he's making us

all miserable gee i think maybe you're right damn right he's right yeah as much as i hate to admit that this new sammy has more trouble than the

old one those ungrateful kids to hell with them into hell with me

hey bro what are the flowers for emily sent them this morning they're just flowers from one passionate person to another passionate person people of

passion that's us so just get off my back gosh guys dad ran away what are you talking about

to human may concern i'm sorry for all the trouble i caused maybe you're right maybe i'm no good at all oh god he must

have hurt us last night that's right i heard you last night and since my soul is damned to hell anyway i decided to go out and style yours truly samuel blake

esquire p.s that's right i wrote esquire jeez i was so hard on him yeah you were pretty rough what are you guys talking about he

was making our lives hell just like he always has yeah but don't you get it we always wish for a normal father and the minute sammy tried to be when we drove

him away look guys we gotta go find him where do you think he went the note said he was going in style that can only mean

one place tijuana tijuana holy crap ollie last time he barely made it back alive

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you did a hell of a job fixing the car todd thanks jamie but you don't have to swear about it

yeah james i just wanted to let you know you do not have to come into smack dab today that's a load off yep thanks to

yours truly we found someone your size and weight to fill in for you really who no one you know she really is a

marvelous physical specimen isn't she

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how many eggs was that that was .

jamie we've looked everywhere this is hopeless excuse me please but whose nice car is

parked over there oh that's mine where is your mexican insurance sticker excuse me insurance sticker oh yeah gare

remember you called it a a shakedown oh really yeah gare remember you called it a shake

down you do a terrible todd yeah this stupid car has brought us nothing but trouble hey there senorita have you ever made

love to a man who's just eaten eggs sadly many times guys we've got to get out of here dad would know how to get out of this yeah

what would sammy do are you sure you can do this i got it amigo i think you dropped this uh pile

of money in our cell your money for you if you understand my meaning

okay boys it's just a matter of time guard guard there's a sick man in here

and you call yourself an actor fire fire we really should have seen that one

coming hola amigo how's business muy bien three gringos drove a roadrunner down here and we're foolish enough to

think they were leaving with it was it plum crazy purple by chance c means yes

well well well who's soaking wet and smelly in a prison cell this time oh thank you daddy finally yes well i've

enjoyed our chat take it easy don't go get us out of here what the hell are you boys down here for anyway came here to

bring you back home there's no bringing me back now i'm good for nothing remember the truth is we owe you an apology for what crashing your car

wrecking your marriage k*lling your fish and kissing you he kissed you look you did a lot of dumb things but your intentions were good and that's what matters so you love me is that what

you're saying that and we need you to get us out of a mexican prison did you hear that donkey my boys love me now

it's time to kick some a*s tj style you come here asking me to release your

sons

[Laughter]

you make me laugh like that adam sandler fellow i don't expect you to give them up without an honorable fight

i understand you're a betting man a waiter you say what could you possibly have that i could want

i want it it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen i skipped a lot of child support and alimony to pay for this baby you are

clearly a man of taste name your sport capitan a little poker billiards actually senor i was thinking more along

the lines of huevos fine anything but eggs

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he's not coming have some faith in him yeah gary faith

i told you he's not coming to my boys

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oh

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oh

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no never arrest a man of honor

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wow i can't believe you actually bet the dune buggy oh i never doubted your dad yeah you really saved our asses that's

me sammy blake jack of all trades save her of asses hello i got it right here in my hot

little hand and she is a beauty jamie a beauty you better be talking about the doll who's the greatest agent in the world so what's it look like marc jacobs

well let me put it this way it's gonna appeal to a much broader demographic than we could have ever imagined do my boobs really look like this and what'd

she say we're breaking up are you trying to make static sounds no

welcome to the united states anything to declare do the eggs in my colon count

you