01x09 - Synths

[bunniefuu]

Humbuglar: Ah!
Curtis: Ooh!

Ah!

[Grunts] We got you,
you son of a bi... sh*t!

Finch is here too.

[ Puck blasts ]
My bugs!

[ Grunts ]
You fools!

This Christmas,
your precious malls

will crumble under me...
The Humbuglar!

[ Laughs ]
Fat chance, Humbuglar.

And next time, maybe pick a name

that doesn't sound like
"The Hamburglar."

Who's that?
Who's... Bro, read a book.

Eat a Big Mac. Then he'd
just be "the Hamburglar."

Enough talk,
more ruined Christmas!

In 11 seconds!

[ b*mb ticking ]


You son of a b*tch!

[ Screams ]

[ Both grunting ]

[ Humbuglar grunting ]
Humbug-deez nuts.

No! No!
[ b*mb powering down ]

[ Grunts ] Humbuglar!

[ Glass shatters ]
Tell my story!

Curtis: sh*t!
[ Body thuds ]

He crashed into the mall.


that's how long

it would take us
to stop him or...

Who cares, O'Doyle?

He just fell on all those
Black Friday shoppers.

[ Over speakers ] ♪ We
wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

My God.
Where the hell is everyone?

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Maybe everyone
caught on to how much

Christmas sucks m'd*ck.

What? Christmas is the best.

It's the one time where everyone
can feel the magic of childhood.

Even if your childhood
was erased.

It's a festival of lies, Banks.

Holy Finch on a hot tin roof.

It's Christmas spirit.

It's reached critical
depletion levels.

Curtis: Christmas spirit?

That's not like
a real thing, though.

[ Chuckles ]
How pedestrian.

No, it certainly is a real thing.

It's a limited resource

fueled by interpersonal contact.

Before computers,
there was spirit everywhere.

You'd go to the store,

see other shoppers
all bundled up,

witness the wonder
in children's eyes.

But thanks to phones
and tech and pandemics,

now it's just...
[blows raspberry]

Just tell me what's happening.

The death of Christmas
as we know it.

Okay...
No, I'm serious.

Once we drop below


it can never recover.
f*ck that.

Christmas is not dying
on this president's watch.

Uh, you're right,
because you have moi.

Finch has got just the fix.

Uh, what about this
splattered monster corpse?

Oh, I got it covered.

Just bought a large body bag.

Should be here
between 2:00 and 5:00.

Same day. Nice.
Not helping.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I hope you're ready,
because behind this door...

It's the synthetic super-soldiers

you built to fight
the Grasshopper King.

What? How did you know?
[ Gate beeps ]

Because you took me
to this door last time,

and the answer is still no,
dingus.

I'm not releasing a bunch
of Blade runners on America.

They're super elite with
a fully programmable AI.

The joy of Christmas
will be real to them, sir.

Okay...

Banks, no offense
to your robo brain,

but these fake military
bots can suck a D.

Yeah, if we have to engage
in this magical bullshit,

we should at least use
real people.

People are the problem.

They don't believe.

This was Christmas spirit


and this is today.

We have until December 25th

to spread a super-human amount

of actual, quantifiable spirit.

Man, I wish there was
a battalion of super-humans

around here somewhere
who could do that.

Oh my God, I'm actually, like,

legit worried
about Christmas, you guys.

[ Sighs ] If we do this,
I want failsafes on failsafes.

Yes!
Wait, sir.

Geo trackers, remote detonators,

bombs where their
dicks should be.

Okay. Unnecessary.
Go on.

We need to be able to pull
their plug at any moment.

Oh, I always have
a d*ck b*mb g*n handy.

But these are military bots.

I'll need time to build them

a new Christmas spirit algorithm.

Why reinvent the wheel, Finch?

If we want true
Christmas programming,

we need to go to professionals.

Secretary:
Welcome to Hallmark.

Can I get you guys anything?

Hot cocoa, scarves, gingerbread?

I mean, it's 8 a.m.

Ed: Never a bad time
for gingerbread.

[ Chuckles ] Mmm.

Fresh ginger.

Sorry.
Where are my manners?

[ Chuckles ] Ed Carol,
Head of Hallmark.

Hey, has anyone ever told you
you look like Santa?

Oh...

Uh, well...

I guess I have
put on a little weight,

[chuckles] and I've been
graying on the sides.

Uh. Anyway, uh.

Come on, come on.
Walk with me.

Are you crazy, Banks?

Yeah, asking a guy if he's Santa

is like asking a woman
if she's pregnant.

Come on, I can't be
the only one thinking it.

You were.
Honestly, I'm disgusted.

Thanks for squeezing us
in on such short notice.

Well, it wasn't that hard.

Usually this is our busy season,

but lately,
it's been kind of dead.

That's because
Christmas is dying, Ed.

What?
You heard the man.

Christmas is sh1tting the bed.

Well, what exactly
do you want from Hallmark?

We've got synthetic people

ready to deploy like spores
to spread cheer.

But their AI needs programming.

True Christmas spirit
programming.

You want to see it?

The big holly-jolly?

[ Gate thumping ]

There she is.
Pretty, ain't she?

Woah.
Holy sh*t.

What am I looking at?
You invented this?

[ Chuckles ] Oh, no, no, no.

The prototype was created
by Jebediah Hallmark.

He was hanging Christmas lights

and got electrocuted
by a faulty bulb.

When he woke up, he had a vision.

Of this. O'Doyle:
Lava lamp noodles?

The Christmanthium core.

Its generative algorithm can
create an almost magical amount

of ideas, characters, storylines.

All with one goal...

to make the world love Christmas.

I brought thumb drives.

[ Sighs ] I must admit,

I'm hesitant to let
our proprietary algorithm

out of this building.

Look, I get it.

But we've got total control
of these Synths.

We can remote detonate
their d*ck areas at any moment.

I vote for that.

Way unnecessary, but yeah,
arm hud is locked and loaded.

All right,

but this data must
be destroyed after use.

The programming will terminate
at midnight on Christmas Eve.

Amen, brother.

Why don't you come to the
white House on Christmas Eve?

We can watch them
terminate together.

[ Both chuckle ]

You've got yourself
a deal, Mr. Curtis.

[ Gate whirs ]
All right, my babies.

Here comes the spirit train.
[ Squeals excitedly ]

[ Synths beeping, ding ]

Synth Cindy, love the hat.

Ooh, and yes to the vest, Marcus.

Finch: Hot cocoa.
Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa.

And one for Finch,
because I f*cking deserve it.

[ Static whirs ]
All right, Greyson, go time.

Synth Greyson: Mhm-hmm.
What's it doing?

Finch: Scanning the vicinity
for maximum cheer scenarios.

[ Synth beeps ]
Mhm.

Synth Greyson:
[ Humming ]

Ah! [ Gasps ] Oh, my
God. What the f*ck!

Watch where you're going,
as*h*le.

Oh, no, no, no!
I'm so sorry.

I have the most important
meeting of my life

in 20 minutes.

I'm supposed to be selling
these unstainable yellow shirts,

and now I look like a liar.

God damn it.
This is a mess. Abort!

No, sir. Watch.

Here. Take this.

What? I can't wear this.
That's impossible.

Sometimes a little impossible

is just what we need.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry.

My grandpa used to say that.

Wait. I kind of love that.

Can I use that in my meeting?
Are you kidding?

It's the least
my clumsy butt could do.

Good luck, and hey...
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
[ Humming ]

[ Laughter ]

Damn, she just red-lined.
I felt it, too.

I mean, I do want one
of those unstainable shirts.

All right, Finchy.
Full deployment.

[ Tires squeal ]

♪♪

All right, game time.
Whoo!

Get me eyes
on those geo trackers.

Way ahead of you, boss.

Uh, just ignore the blue dots.

Those are places I masturbated.

How are we looking
with Cindy in Boston?

[ Grunts ] And perfect.

Woah!
Pretty, right?

Just my way of giving
the sidewalk a hug.

Dad, could we give
our sidewalk a hug?

Uh, I don't know, I guess?

Let me order some lights.
Why?

The store is selling
some right there.

All right. Fine.
[ Giggling ]

[ Bell chimes ] Little turd
thinks he knows everything.

Reminds me of
someone else I know.

Banks: Dayum.
Cindy bringing the merry.

I want to decorate with her.

That little kid runs their house.

Punch me in on Giselle
in San Diego.

[ Snow machine whirs ]
What?

My first snow?

In all my life as a cowboy
turned beach bum,

I've always wanted to do this.

Ahhh. Synth Giselle:
No, no, don't eat that.

It's just ground up paint chips.

[ Spits ]

[ People chuckling ]

I ate that.

[ Laughs ] Oh.
We all felt that, right?

Sir, check out Chad
in Washington.

The spiritonium levels
are off the charts.

[ Chainsaw whirring ]
No, no, a chainsaw.

[ Chuckles ] You guys gotta
come down and see this.

I swear, he's gonna cut off
his hand or something.

Five hot cocoas, please.

My friends are coming down

in case this guy
cuts off his hand.

I told my friends the same thing.

[ Laughs ] Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Finchy baby, you done did it.

I did done do it, didn't I?

What?
Whoo!

Best Christmas ever.

♪♪

Well, it's officially
Christmas Eve.

And of course, the big story
is that feeling in the air.

Malls are full, divorce is down

and people are roasting
chestnuts together everywhere.

Where the hell are all
these chestnuts coming from?

There's so much joy
you almost forget

Curtis is taxing our c*m.

Either way, we are so back, baby.

Merry Christmas, step-sis.

Merry Christmas, step-sis.

So what are you bringing
to mom's house tonight?

Her favorite... my dad.

Congratulations, Greyson.

Thank you for your service.

Service is what it's all about.

That's why I sold my law firm

to start a free snowman-making
school for children.

The secret is in the carrot nose.

Amazing soldier.

And you... Cindy, right?
Cindy: Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

My grandma, who was a w*r nurse,

and that's how
she met her husband,

she always said

"The best thing
you can give is yourself."

Wise words.
Here.

It's the least I could give.

What a fine carrot.

Oh, hot cocoa bar.

Pretty specific exchange
about that carrot.

Sir, just want you to know

we've got a very robust team

standing by to clean up
the synth bodies.

Right. And, uh, what was
the deal with that again?

Their programming will
terminate at midnight, remember?

You and Ed were, like,
high-fiving about it.

Well, sh*t, that kind of sucks.

You could always tell them
they're gonna die.

It'll probably make them
go rogue and attack us.

Then we'll have no choice
but to defend ourselves

and take them out.

Right, then it
wouldn't be our fault.

You really get it, O'doyle.

Your pitch is victim-blaming?

Dumb.
We should just talk to Ed.

He's such a sweetie.

Never a bad time
for gingerbread, huh, pal?

[ Laughs ]
Now you're catching on.

Congratulations,
Mr. President.

I gotta say,
I can feel the spirit.

Couldn't have done it without
your programming, Ed.

Look, I, uh,

I was wondering
if there was a way

that we could keep
the Synths alive.

A deal's a deal,
Mr. President.

You're not gonna f*ck me,
are you?

What? No.

We're just saying,

it kind of feels
un-Christmas-like

to k*ll them after
they saved the holiday.

We had an agreement.

I'm here to make sure
it gets done.

Right.
No, I, uh, I get it.

Thanks, Ed.

[ Sighs ] I wasn't expecting him
to be such a hard-a*s.

I know, right?

He kind of turned
awesome at the end.

All right, time to play
Ghost of Christmas Future.

[ Glass clinks ]
A toast.

I just wanted to say how
thankful I am for you Synths.

You not only saved Christmas,

you boosted the economy
and made the magic real again.

[ Sighs ] And of course,

I'd be remiss if I didn't say

you will all
self-destruct at midnight.

That's great, sir.

What?
No, I'm saying you'll die.

Your programming will terminate.

Sir, I love giving,

I'm just happy my life

can culminate in
an act of service.

The best thing
you can give is yourself.

Hear, hear.
A fitting final mission.

[ Laughs ] I love these guys.

[ Synths cheering ]
Merry Christmas.

Thanks for letting us die.

[ Chuckles nervously ]
Well said.

If you'll excuse me for a moment.

Listen, guys, if this is about

the pink stain in the library,

no, it wasn't me,

and also, no, it won't wash out.

I can't do it.
I can't let those soldiers die.

They're all so selfless and pure.

We have to trick Ed
into thinking they're dead

and get them out of here.

Sir, even if we could trick Ed

and fake their death...
which we absolutely can...

the Synths are still gonna
love Christmas after Christmas.

Yeah, people will m*rder them
just for that.

Not if we put them in a place

with a base level of cheer,

gratitude and giving
that lasts all year.

I'm talking, of course,
about Canada.

Plus, it's chilly.
Perfect scarf weather.

Hey.
Yeah, they'll blend right in.

It's like taking a dragon
back to dinosaur times.

It doesn't really belong there,

but the dinosaurs
aren't gonna notice.

Wait, guys, is this
our first team hoodwink?

Hoodwinked!

♪ Fa la la la la,
la la la, hey! ♪

[ Synths cheering ]

You hotties want another
public domain song?

[ Synths ] Public domain!
Public domain!

Finch puck, make daddy proud.

[ Puck beeps, blasts ]

[ Synths power down ]

Huh?

Wh-What the hell happened?

It's only 11 p.m.

Oh, no!
Those are my friends.

Ah, sh*t! Sorry, guys.
That's on me.

Daylight Savings Time.
What?

Yeah, I hate it.

All my tech is set
to spring forward,

because Finch don't fall back.

I'll make you fall back,
you son of a...

Hey, don't blame me.

I'm not the one
running a government

that f*ck with
our clocks twice a year.

So they've terminated?

Oh, yeah.

And if it's any consolation,

it was extremely
painful for them.

[ Sighs ] Sorry, Ed.

I didn't mean to cut
the party short.

No, no, no, don't apologize.

As long as it's done,
I'm a happy man.

All right, well, that's a wrap.

Let's get these synthetic flesh
sacks back into cold storage.

Also, give it up
for our clean-up crew,

working on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

God bless you all.

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Tire thuds ]

Oh my God, Banks, do you
have to hit every pothole?

I keep telling you to put
money into infrastructure.

Finch, how are we
looking back there?

Just erased their
termination time.

These babies are jail broken
and ready to fly free.

Also, I wasn't lying about
Daylight Savings Time.

I hate it. You all should
be ashamed. [ Beeping ]

[ Synths gasp ]
Where are we?

Is this Synth heaven?
Is it just a bus?

Bus? Yes.
Heaven, who's to say?

But I thought we were gonna die.

Not on my watch.

Your w*r-nurse grandma was right.

The best thing you
could give is yourself.

And soldier, you still have
a lot more to give.

We're taking you to Canada.

What? [ Synths
murmuring in confusion ]

The one on top?
[ g*nshots ]

Curtis: Banks! The potholes!

It's not potholes.
[ Engine roars ]

Oh, f*ck, it's Ed!

You made a deal with Hallmark.

Our data must be eliminated.

This guy really loves Hallmark.

Just get us to the plane.

[ Engines humming,
tires squealing ]

♪♪

Jesus, he's a sideswiper?

Sideswipe him back.

[ Thuds, Ed shouts ]

[ expl*si*n ]

♪♪

[ Tires squeal ]

Dear God, right into
that Lots O' Oil truck.

I didn't wanna k*ll the guy.

Just for the legal record,
I said to sideswipe,

but you chose to do it.

Still kind of feel bad, though.

Um, sir.

[ Grunting ]

You should feel bad.

You've all been very naughty.

I said it.

I said Ed looked like Santa

and you guys shamed me.

Also, holy sh*t, he's Santa.

Santa is real.

Hello, Andre.

Rho. Francis. Kenny.

Ed.
Call me Santa.

Ed's my undercover boss name.

What?
Why are you working at Hallmark?

As their Chrismanthium
technology grew,

so did my interest in it.

I couldn't let just
anyone have that power.

So I took over.

Synths: [ Gasping ] Santa?!

Santa Claus!
Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.

Sorry, Cindy.

We're all out
of miracles this year.

They are the miracle dipshit.

You don't get it.

If they're walking around
all year with Christmas spirit,

it's not magical,
it's not special,

and that puts me
out of Christmas.

It seems like
what you're saying, Santa...

thank you for being here,
by the way...

is that you want to retain

full control over Christmas,

which I'm sorry to say,
doesn't sound very giving.

Sounds like
you're being... naughty?

Wow, I've never
thought about it like that.

[ All gasping, blade shings ]

[ Synths gasp in fear ]
Greyson!

Finch: The f*ck Santa?

Get them into the plane.
Yes, sir.

If he wants the Synths,

he's gonna have to go through me.

Sir, puck him up.
[ Puck whirs ]

I never should have made
that deal with you, Santa.

I didn't care about Christmas.

I just didn't want to go down

as the president who k*lled it.

[ Laughs sarcastically ]
Yeah, okay.

[ Whistles ]

[ Sleigh whooshing ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, sh*t! Reindeemons!

Run! Run!
[ Synth Steve screaming ]

Oh, man, we just started running.

Swapping to carrot-tipped.

Wait, don't they love carrots?

Exactly.

[ Reindeemons snarling ]

Holy f*ck,
that's not in the song.

[ Both grunting ]

[ Blade shings, Santa laughs ]

♪♪

[ Wind whooshes ]

[ Toys and coal clatter ]

[ Santa hisses ]

Oh, wait. Is coal
like garlic for Santas?

Seriously, you didn't notice
back at the office?

You've got yourself a deal,
Mr. Curtis.

Sir, look, I got the office
train set up with real coal.

[ Hisses ]

Uh... okay.

Huh.

I didn't think anything of it.

Coal channels the energy
from evil children

back to my patron, Pudersno.

I spread the rock
in exchange for my powers,

but the very touch of it
burns my soul.

Maybe talk longer next time.

[ Grunts ]

[ Sizzling ]
Ah! My soul!

Pudersno! Save me!

[ Flesh ripping ]

sh*t, I'm out of c-tip.

[ Reindeemon growls,
Synth Cindy groans ]

Merry Christmas?

Hey! Hey!

Come build a snowman,
you soulless b*stard!

Chekhov's carrot.
Cindy! What are you doing?

Cindy: Get them to Canada!

And when those deer get me,
blow them to hell!

Oh, f*ck.
These guys are incredible.

sh*t. You heard her.

Go! Go, go!

[ Beeping ]

Grandma!

I'm coming!

[ Reindeemons growling ]

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Grunting ]

That all you got, Santa?

[ Laughs ]

[ Whistles ]

Oh, man.

Rudolph?

[ Grunting ]

You son of a...

[ Grunts, nose shatters ]

[ Thuds ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

Who's bright now, b*tch?

[ Laughs ]
Santa: Rudolph!

Rudy, no!

Talk to me.

Oh, come on, buddy,
you're my best and brightest.

I-I don't even like
the other ones.

I'm gonna make you pay.

You son of a...

[ Plane whirring ]
What? No!

No.

No!

[ Plane whirring ]

O'Doyle: You all right, sir?

I mean, I almost got gored

by a cybernetic demon deer,
but...

Wait, what are you guys doing?

Deactivating their d*ck bombs.
[ Beeps ]

It's our last element
of control over them.

They're finally free.

Merry Christmas.
Here here.

A Christmas miracle.

Guess we won't be
needing this anytime soon.

I'll just put it down here.

They still love Christmas?

Even after Santa tried
to m*rder them? Twice?

I mean, I'm pretty bummed,

but I'm not gonna
let that as*h*le

control my love for Christmas.

That belongs to me.
And me.

And m... nope, sorry.

Got swept up in the moment.

Don't love it.
Respect it? Maybe.

That's the spirit.
Don't push it, Giselle.

[ Loud thump, alarm blaring ]

Uh, sir, we got an ice storm.

Came out of nowhere.

[ Sleigh whooshing ]

[ Grunts, laughs ]

[ Ice cracking ]
Uh-oh.

Everyone hold on!

[ Laughs ]
You think you can outrun me?

I am notoriously mobile.

[ Synths screaming ]

Sir, I got it.

[ Grunts, door slams ]

You crazy a*s warlock.

[ Grunts ]
Oh, sh*t!

What the f*ck, man?

You k*lled Rudolph
and Donner and Blitzen.

You k*lled Greyson
and Cindy and Steve.

None of them matter.

They matter to us.

[ Overlapping chatter ]
O'Doyle: Holy sh*t, Banks!

God damn this hood
and its blind spots!

I just injected your spine
with a d*ck b*mb.

You k*ll the Synths or any of us,

that sh*t will auto-trigger

and blow your jolly a*s to hell.

Please, I'm immortal.

Oh, warlocks can regrow heads?

You might want to check
with your DM.

[ Alarm beeping ]

It's Christmas.

I set a timer on my phone

and it uses a watch alarm sound.

You gonna go deliver presents,

or is Hallmark gonna
be looking for a new CEO?

[ Ice shatters ]

You always were
a naughty child, Rho.

[ Wind whooshing ]
Stockings filled with coal.

Wait, you...
you visited me as a kid?

You were in my house!

Wait, where did I live?

Who were my parents?

[ Whistles ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ]

h* h* h* h* h* h* h* h* h*!

h* h* h* h* h* h* h*!

Probably not going to get
much info about my parents

after the d*ck b*mb thing, huh?

I'd guess no.

Honestly, that's what
you get for trying

to squeeze canonical stuff
into this mission.

[ Plane whirring ]

[ Tires squeal ]

Synth Giselle:
This is Canada?

Well, this is a field in Canada.

We couldn't land at an airport

because we're kind of doing
an ill*gal border crossing.

But hey, the Canadian PM owes me

for letting him copy
my NATO homework.

Thanks for putting your life
on the line to save ours.

[ Sighs ] We put your life
on the line first.

I guess some lies
are worth protecting.

Do not quote me on that.

Montreal is about
a mile that way.

Spread out. Blend in.

Also, please don't go Bladerunner

and come after your creator

and crush my head.

Is that what happens
in the movie?

Maybe we need to expand
our programming data

beyond Christmas.

All: No, no no.
Just stick to being you.

Synths: Okay.
Oh, good. Yeah.

Whatever.

And hey, nice work, soldiers.

Canada is lucky to have you.

Merry Christmas.
Synths: Merry Christmas, sir.

♪♪

Actress: Topher,
after swapping bodies

with that snowman,
I finally get it.

I don't need New York
or my high profile dentist job.

I just need you for Christmas
and for always. Mm.

Way to settle.

Hey, guys.

Merry Christmas.
Both: Merry Christmas, sir.

I'm still bleeding
under my bandages,

but I'm happy to be
spending it with you both.

And I guess you too, Finch.

Although, to be clear,

you're only part of
this sentimental moment

because you were randomly
on this mission.

It's fine by me.

Actually,
can we get another round?

It's 7 a.m. on Christmas.

Yeah, you're right.
Make it a triple-double.

Heavy on the pink stuff.

Really keeping
that spirit alive, huh?

[ Laughter ]
Oh, I'm fully empty inside.

I'll drink to that.
I don't want to die alone.

Ha, we're fine.

[ Laughter ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

♪♪

Curtis: ♪ It's the greatest time
of year for everyone else ♪

♪ I miss picking out
my own tree ♪

♪ I still love my ex wife ♪

♪ Take those feelings,
swallow them down and sing ♪

And from all of us
here at Six News,

we want to wish you a happy
and healthy New Year.

I'm Carolyn Gladyssmer.

And I'm Mika Gladyssmer.

We may be stepsisters,

but we are fully
related to your news.

Director: And cut! We're clear.
[ Bell rings ]

Hey,
what are you doing after work?

You want to braid my hair?
Carolyn on the air.

Not out here.

Then on the air next time,
do you want to braid my hair?

Good girl, Boo Boo.

Did you get any of that?