02x01 - Be Careful What You Fish For

[bunniefuu]

[Martin]Previously
on Best Medicine...

So, you want
to leave the big city

to come be our small town doctor.

Welcome to Port Wenn,
Dr. Best.

-Get out of here. Go!
-[dog barking]

[Martin] I find the people here
far too chatty.

Louisa dumped me
two weeks before our wedding.

You've been mooning
over her ever since

the first day you got here.

-Hey.
-Louisa.

-Can you make a fist? [sighs]
-Is something wrong?

[exhales sharply]

[Elaine] A doctor
who's afraid of blood.

-[Martin groans]
-I could be

really helpful to you.

You have an employee
taking blood without a license.

The medical board
won't like that.

They're gonna investigate you.

-What kind of doctor am I?
-You just saved

that little boy's life.

I'm happy to pretend
it never happened.

I don't have time for drama

because I want to have a baby.

I know a specialist
that you'd wanna talk to.

-How do you know Martin?
-[Eden] We used to date.

When's the best time

to tell your kid
that he's not your kid?

You know what I saw fishing?

Sea urchins for miles.

We're going to be rich!

-All of us!
-[cheering]

[pleasant music]

I looked online.

A sudden deafness.
It's a real thing.

It could be bacteria
or even a brain tumor.

Well, I hate
to have to say it, but...

it does look like a tumor.

Extremely large. Yep.

We're gonna have
to amputate from the neck up.

-[both] What?
-Tommy, the next time

you don't want to go to school,

just hide in your attic
or run away from home.

Keep me out of it.

-What? Uh...
-Goodbye. Out.

-Uh... Oh!
-Out!

How long are you
gonna be here today?

-As long as I feel like.
-You do realize

I'm a highly-celebrated surgeon

who's vastly
overqualified for this job.

I certainly don't need a monitor.

I'll be the judge of that.

Literally, that's why I'm here.

And... And where did you go
to medical school again?

Cayman Islands
Institute of Medicine.

Right, I don't remember
seeing you at Harvard.

-And you know what's funny?
-Hmm, what's funny?

Now, it's my job

to decide
whether you keep your job.

[quirky music]

[water bubbling]

[scuba equipment hissing]

♪

[Sarah laughs]
I'll tell you,

these little b*stards
are about to be the death of me.

-[Bert sighs]
-No, seriously, I'm exhausted.

Huh, what are you two
griping about?

It's like we have an ATM
in the middle of our harbor.

And I can't stop
making a withdrawal,

even if it kills me.

Yeah, you know, I... I really
could use a day off.

Oh, sorry, son, that tuition
isn't paying itself.

But I will treat you two to lunch

at the Salty Breeze, huh?

Nope. Not hungry, Bert.

So, how long you gonna
give me the cold shoulder?

A month? A year? Uh...

yeah, are you even
gonna say goodbye to me

before you leave for Columbia?

Oh. I don't know.

You did lie to me
about not being my real dad

-for, like, my whole life, so...
-Hmm.

You know, I gotta pick up
Judith at the hospital,

so I better, uh...

Ease up on him, Al. Ease up.

-Hey, send her our love, huh?
-I will.

[yelling in pain]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-[Sarah] Oh, oh, ow!

-Oh, my God. Oh, no.
-Okay.

[low hum of chatter]

Greg, I've never had to wait
this long for a damn table.

Hey, we... we were waiting, too.

We... We drove all the way
from Portland for the uni.

Well, I've been coming here


-Oh, really?
-Honey, it's okay.

These people are what make
this experience so authentic.

Authentic?

-I'll show you authentic.
-No!

-[customers gasp]
-Clyde!

-I'll show you...
-Clyde!

-I'm gonna...
-Clyde!

How many times have I told you?

Oh, my goodness.

Yes, you're so beautiful, yeah.
Oh! [laughs]

-[baby coos]
-Aw, she's adorable.

Oh, well, the next Port Wenn
baby will be yours.

Oh. Here's hoping. [chuckles]

Cute little nugget, Bree.

-Congrats.
-[Louisa chuckles]

We would've made a cute one,
but you were right.

Too complicated.
Later, gator.

-Thanks for the rattle.
-Yeah.

[Bree chuckles]

-[Mark] Whoa!
-[customers exclaim]

[Mark laughs] Damn.

This new config,
still not feeling it.

It's the perfect
vacation for couples,

families, and kids of all ages.

So, Port "When",
are you coming to visit?

Brought to you by
the Port Wenn Town Council.

[cheering]

[silverware clinking]

I told you that girl was a star.

It was the smartest thing
that the council ever did,

was make her
the face of Port Wenn.

-Elaine on TV!
-[both chuckle]

Fights in our restaurant.

A whole new world.

-You're next.
-[chuckles]

-Oh, hello, Louisa.
-Hello.

May I see you?

Uh, I just wanted to say goodbye

before I head back to Boston.

Oh, good, I'm glad.

Um, not that you're going,
I mean, saying goodbye.

-Uh...
-This weekend.

-Mm-hmm?
-It was...

nice.

It was. Yeah, mm-hmm.

I'd say things
have been going... well.

I would say the same thing.

Now, should I start
looking for apartments

for you in Boston?

What? W...
Why would you say that?

Uh, isn't that the plan?

To get off probation,
go back to Boston,

be a surgeon again?

-[Martin] Well...
-I mean...

after all that gets sorted,

what exactly is keeping you here?

[gasps] Louisa.

What? No!

I... I don't even know
why you would say that.

What do you mean?
Why would you...

-Why would you...
-I still need to see Louisa.

So is it okay if I...

-I see her here?
-Oh.

Yes.

-Yes, of course.
-Thank you.

Absolutely, of course. Yes.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

"You're an old bag of bones.
You need to retire.

Why can't you be
like the other old ladies?"

Finally, you agree with me.

Like, just sell the boat,
and take up Mahjong.

-Too trendy.
-[woman wheezing]

[splashing]

[woman gasping]

What is that?

[woman gasping]

A person.

[Sarah] What? Hey, wait.

Martin. Martin.

[suspenseful music]

[woman screams]

[loud splash]

[water splashing]

[woman whimpering]

[woman gasps]

[Martin panting]

Well, I've seen
a lot of things in my day,

but this is a first.

[whimsical music]

[woman grunts]

[theme music]

What's wrong with her?

She's suffering
from minor exposure,

but other than that,
she seems okay.

Seems kind of fishy to me.

-[woman grunts]
-Hi. You okay?

You're safe. You're safe.
Just... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You're okay. You're safe.
-Oh, no. No, no, sweetheart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa.

-Call Sheriff Mark.
-Okay, I'm going.

-You ready?
-Oh, I'm so sorry

-to keep you waiting.
-Oh, no, uh, please.

Beats me having to go
all the way to Boston.

Hmm. Anyway, you know the drill,
so we're just gonna...

-[Louisa] Oh, yeah.
-do a quick blood draw...

-[Louisa] Okay.
-and check your levels.

Okay. Yeah.

So, how are you
handling the shots?

Is there anything
I should know about, or...

Uh, uh, no.
No, uh, I'm...

-I'm a little tired.
-Yeah.

You know, insurance
isn't covering all of this,

so I'm having to pick up
other work.

Understood. Any doubts?

Fears? You can tell me.

People find me
very easy to talk to.

No. Uh, no.

E... Ever since I decided
to do it on my own,

uh, I have had no doubts
whatsoever.

-Clear skies ahead.
-Mm.

I admire you.

You know,
letting go of the fantasy.

-The fantasy?
-Oh, you know,

falling in love,
getting pregnant,

the perfect man holding your hand

as you push out your baby,
all that...

[gags] ...nonsense.

Yeah, that sounds so crazy.

Mm! I can't even tell you
the amount of women

who held out for the husband
and the baby,

only to find themselves at 50,

barren, swiping on Hinge.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hey, I love our girl talks.

-Samesy. [laughs]
-[Eden] Mm!

[all] Port "When" are you
gonna come visit?

-[cheering, applause]
-Thank you, and to you.

[chuckles] Every day?

[Eden chuckling]

I was gonna say,
"Port where have you been?"

[sighs] Boat christening,

and then a photo op
at Karla's bait shack.

Doc said that I could go.

I might be
making that last part up.

It's fine.
Who am I to interfere?

If you don't want to interfere,

why did you renovate
this entire office?

Tell me that I have to dress
like a dental hygienist.

I mean, nice improvements,
I would say.

This place looks
like a... doctor's office.

Yes, and you look like
someone who works here.

I want to remind you
that Martin is in this mess

with the medical board
because things get a little too

loosey-goosey around here.

By "loosey-goosey", do you mean

helping Doc when he needed me?

Oh. Oh, I need to go.

-I actually do need to go now.
-Couldn't agree more.

Yeah. Nope.

Nope.

Now, this one looks like
marriage material.

She's got gravitas.

Nose like an emperor.

-I don't know.
-Come on, Marky.

Time is running out.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Mom, I'm not that old.

Not for you, sweetheart, for me.

My biological
grandmother clock is ticking.

I want some more little Markys
running around out there.

I don't know, all the women
I'm meeting are great.

It's just I'm like...

I'm like looking for one
that makes me smile

so hard that my face hurts,
you know?

You sure?

Happy-go-lily 33 couldn't make
that gorgeous face hurt?

Okay, maybe I should
just marry happy-go-lily 33.

-Give up on the whole...
-Marky,

you're too young,
and too brilliant

to give up on anything.

No, maybe I should just grow up.

Forget about the fairy tale.

Maybe it doesn't exist, you know?

Hello? What?

Okay.

I gotta go, Ma.

Someone just found a mermaid.

-[Sally] Oh!
-[Mark laughs]

Is she okay?

I mean,
why is she dressed like this?

I don't know.

Why are you dressed like that?

Uh...

She appears to be
just extremely exhausted.

-Did you call Bar Harbor?
-Yeah, they're busy.

-What do you mean, busy?
-They had four ambulance teams,

-and now it's down to two.
-Great.

Well, I'll just take
a number, and hope we live.

[Renee] Dr. Best,
may I speak to you?

[Martin sighs]

Don't take your eyes off of her.

Your fridge is empty.

Well, actually,
it was full until you...

I'm leaving, and I wanted
to do a little check-in.

[Martin] Mm-hmm.

So far, you're doing very well.

Your practice is run impeccably,

and no sign
of any major impairment

from your little phobia.

I'm so pleased.

Now, we have
three more months left together,

and as you know,
my report factors heavily

into the board's decision
about your license.

As you remind me, every week.

So, maybe some tuna fish,

sardines, sour cherry juice,
and a stream of whoopie pies.

I'll be back...

When you least expect it.

You know, here's the thing.

I... I will expect it
because you just told me.

-[door creaks]
-Just...

-Dr. Best?
-Peter.

Uh, wait.

I'm not late for school.

I just wanted
to talk to you for a second.

Okay, what... what is it?

Is that lady still here?

The one who eats?
No, she just left.

No, the one who smiles and says,

"What's a boy and a dirty dog
doing in a doctor's office?"

Oh, no, she's gone, too.

[Peter] Phew.

Copernicus is really unhappy.

-[Copernicus whines]
-[Martin] Oh.

-Why's that?
-Now that that lady's

not letting him
hang around here anymore,

Copernicus is really missing you.

You used to spend
a lot of time with him.

And now you're not.

Hmm.

That is sad.

But I think
Copernicus needs to realize

that part of life
is that things change.

You don't miss him?

You know, I think
maybe Copernicus

shouldn't be hanging out with me.

You know, I think maybe
he should be hanging out

with... dogs his own age.

Forget you!

-Well, Peter!
-Come on, Copernicus.

[Elaine] Doc? She's alert.

My name is Dr. Martin Best.
What's your name?

Can you understand
what I'm saying?

Okay, good, can you tell me
where you're from?

Would... would you like
to try some water?

-Oh, okay. That's fine.
-All right, that's a new one.

-Doc, what's going on?
-Nope? Okay.

-[Martin clears throat]
-Whoa. Whoa.

-It is a mermaid.
-No, Mark.

-Of course it's not a real...
-[Mark] I know. I know.

No. I'm just, like...

What am I, like five?
Amid, like... [panting]

Whoa!

I'm Mark.

-Hey. Are you thirsty?
-Oh.

-What's your name?
-It's actually not a good idea.

-[Mark laughs]
-What did I do?

We need to examine you

and get myself dry,
and try to find my dignity,

and you, my assistant, Elaine,
will get your clothes.

Boo! Bah-bah-gah.

It's so beautiful.
That's her mermaid language.

[woman] Ooooh!

Bah-bah-bah-noo-mah.

Foo! Bah-la-la-la...

-Ding-dong-dong.
-Mark.

Yeah, I'm just trying
to meet her where she is, Doc.

-That... That's not...
-Okay.

There are no signs of a stroke
or anything neurological.

Can you try and speak again?

Goop-o-hoof-ben-di-yo-ba.

-[woman whimpers]
-[Elaine] Doc, what's happening?

-She's having a seizure.
-[Elaine] Okay.

-Help me lie her down.
-[Elaine] All right.

[dramatic music]

Okay, her blood sample
is being tested.

-What is going on?
-Yeah.

Is she under an evil spell?

Mark, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Probably a few more.
I just like the idea. Okay?

Okay. Look.
I think she has hypernatremia.

Elevated sodium
from ingesting salt water.

It would explain
the odd behavior and seizures.

Now, the good news is the IV
fluid should take care of it.

Uh, where did she go?

She just had a seizure.
Why did she leave?

Mermaids don't have
insurance, Doc.

Um, hi.
Hello, everyone.

I'm sorry.
Has anybody seen a mermaid?

[cell phone ringing]

Uh, um, hello?

Doc. It's Sarah.
Judith is home,

and she needs help
with her oxygen tank.

-It's not a good time.
-[Sarah]Martin, you promised.

When Judith came home

from the hospital,
that you would help us.

I can't be everywhere
at once, Aunt Sarah.

-[Sarah]What could possibly...
-Don't worry. I'll find her.

-She couldn't have gone far.
-Okay.

[Sarah]...come over here
and help her

-with her oxygen tank.
-She could be very sick,

so don't waste any time being...

-you.
-Got it.

Mermaid in distress.
Why am I smiling?

-Ah, here we go.
-[Sarah]...Those people gave me

no instructions, none
whatsoever. And if you...

-[Elaine sighs]
-[Mark] Mmm...

Mana-laaa-oooh?

[squawking]

Worth a try.

[George groaning in pain]

You see this?

This is the second time
this week.

I should sue myself
for unsafe working conditions.

Georgie.

Is it time for the walk-in?

It seems so.

[whimsical music]

[screaming]

[George gasps]

Oh!

This is extremely inconvenient.
Let's make this quick.

Oh, little Marty.
Polite as usual.

-I won't offer you coffee.
-Good.

I save my manners for people who
actually follow doctor's orders.

No, you don't.

But he does make
a good point, Judith.

We've all been
telling you for years.

You've got to stop smoking.
You've gotta stop smoking.

And now you end up
in the hospital for two weeks

with double pneumonia.

Yes, all right.
I will not smoke at this table.

I will not smoke
at this coffee pot.

I will not smoke at this lamp.

That's what she's been doing
since she got back.

Okay, I gotta go get paid.

It's just a little trick.
Mind over matter.

How about
a nicotine patch instead?

Just show me
how to use this thing,

Mr. Busy Harvard Medical Degree.

You use this when you need
extra help breathing.

But most importantly,

this is compressed oxygen.

On or off, you cannot have
an open flame anywhere.

I got it. I got it.

No smoking.
No smoking. No smoking.

I haven't had a cigarette
for two weeks.

You think I'm a moron?
[coughs]

Absolutely, 100% yes.

[phone buzzing]

Mark.

Where was she found?

Where?

-Okay, well, bring her to my o...
-[expl*si*n booms]

[smoke alarm beeping]

[coughing]

Okay, all right.

No more smoking, starting now.

[groaning, coughing]

[panting]

So, her house actually exploded
in front of you,

and no one was hurt?

The level of stupidity in humans
can never be overestimated,

but she seemed unharmed.

Any missing persons report
matching her description?

No, I checked, Doc. Nothing.

Mermaid lady, why'd you run away?

-No.
-Wait.

She's hydrated.

If she had hypernatremia,
she'd be able to talk now.

The evil spell.
It's stronger than we thought.

I want something bad
to happen to this man.

It was just a joke,
it's not like I actually

think she's half-fish.

-Oh, no, no, no, no.
-[Martin] Ooh! Ooh! Whoa!

-It's all right. It's all right.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-[Elaine] It's...
-Are those scales?

It could be neurosarcoidosis.

Are you talking
gibberish now, too, Doc?

No, it's a skin condition.
It can also affect the brain.

It would explain
her scales and her speech,

but I need to take a skin sample.

[woman sighs]

Ah, Louisa, the fish smell!
I'm going to hurl.

Oh, uh, sorry.
Is it really that bad?

I thought it was getting better.

Well, it's not.

Those sea urchins, they're nasty.

Mm, yeah, but you know,
renting out the barn

for the processing center
is keeping the school open,

and now that I'm principal,
I have to be thinking

about globally,
about all of the financial...

Fine. Never mind. Okay.

I really came in here
to tell you the huge gossip.

-Gossip? Yay.
-Yes.

-[both laughing]
-Tell me.

-Guess who's getting married.
-Who?

-Me. Aah!
-Oh! Oh!

Wow, wow, I... oh, my God,

I... I didn't even know
you were dating.

Oh. Is this making you feel bad?

Oh, no, no, no,
of... of course not.

I mean, why...
why would this make me feel bad?

Well, because I know that you've
been trying to get pregnant,

so I can imagine you're
not doing a lot of swiping.

Uh, yeah, that's true.

I'm not really thinking about
that stuff right now, so...

Yeah, no, of course not.

And getting pregnant
is, like, a really big deal.

I should know.

Oh, are you...
are you trying to get pregnant?

No. I am pregnant. Aaah!

-What?
-[Jeannie sobbing]

-Oh, I'm, like, so happy.
-What?

[Martin] Hmm.

It's not sarcoidosis.
It's ichthyosis.

Her skin condition isn't
what's affecting her speech.

Mark, can you please
stop smiling?

-It's unnerving.
-I wish I could.

It's not happening.
[chuckles]

Hey, lady. Who are you?

-I'm a mermaid.
-Called it!

-[Martin] What's your name?
-Cecilia.

-And your last name?
-Mermaid.

Your birth certificate reads
Cecilia Mermaid?

Okay.

You mean you're like
a mermaid impersonator?

Yes.

That's it. Exactly.

Like on one
of those Broadway cruises?

-Exactly.
-Ah. [chuckles]

Cecilia, what happened to you?

I drank too much,
and fell overboard.

-Okay. Time to go.
-Not yet. Uh...

your skin condition.

Have you had it your whole life?

Yes.

It first started on my face.

Even Santa wouldn't let me
sit on his lap. [laughs]

[Mark chuckles]

Is that why
you ran out of the office?

Yes.

I've been made fun
of my whole life.

"Hey, is there any tartar sauce
for those fish sticks?"

-People can be cruel.
-Can I have my costume?

-I'm going.
-We need you to stay overnight.

We don't know anything
about your condition.

-That's cool. Bye.
-No, no, no. Oh!

-[Martin] Whoa!
-Bye.

-No, you don't have money or ID.
-[Cecilia] Later.

Cecilia, I'm a doctor.
I don't chase people.

Good.
Because I feel perfectly...

[wheezing] Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

Garbled speech,
seizures, and now wheezing?

Maybe I'm allergic to this place.

Okay.
Here's your costume.

I... I tried to get
all of the kelp off.

Ew. Kelp me, right? [laughs]

-Wait.
-[Elaine] What?

Kelp.
Is there any more on it?

Um, a little. Uh...

-Hmm...
-Ew! Why is that red?

-[sighs] Red tide.
-What's that?

It's a toxic algae bloom.

If she was
in the water long enough,

it would explain
your seizures, your speech,

-and your wheezing.
-What do we do? What do we do?

You just need an inhaler.
I have one.

Okay, but after that, no more
running around, no more chasing.

You hear me?

I'm gonna go home
and get you some clothes.

Your people are very bossy.

We heard what happened to you.

Falling off of a cruise ship?
Hey, would you do karaoke here?

You and I could duet.

♪ Under the sea

I'm not legally allowed
to sing that off the boat.

-Are you sure at all?
-Her job right now is to rest,

not a single steel drum,
understand?

Fine, ruin my fun.

Just don't tell Sarah
we're doing this.

I told her we didn't have
any room for Judith.

Good, you'd have to be
a complete idiot

to let Judith stay with you.

So, Sarah is letting
Judith stay with her.

What?

How can someone so old
have such bad judgment?

I am not going to tell her
you said that.

But look, could you just
talk to her, please?

We prefer Sarah Sans flambé.

-Immediately.
-[Glendon exhales]

And I was just wondering,
how could my day get any worse?

Well, that weird monitor

still hasn't kicked you
out of town.

-Shame.
-Hmm.

She's unhappy with my snacks,

but as far as my practice,
A-plus.

A doctor who's afraid of blood?
I mean, how's it even possible?

[sighs]
Because it hasn't kept me

from being
an excellent physician.

And Elaine has gotten
her phlebotomy license,

so I think it's time for you
to drop this obsession with me

and take up a hobby.

Preferably something dangerous.

See, I enjoy knowing your secret.

Figuring out the worst
possible time to tell everyone.

That's my hobby. [slurping]

You know what, Doc?

Maybe it is time
that you just tell everyone,

before that jerk does it.

I can barely get these people
to listen to me now.

I mean, what do you think
is going to happen after they...

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Ashamed?
Did I say I was...

I'm not ashamed.
Come on, please. Ooh!

-Oh, Oh, uh, hi.
-Sorry.

Sorry, I didn't know
you were working today.

Sandra's sick,
so I'm just filling in.

How are you feeling?

-Uh, we haven't had a chance...
-I'm feeling good.

You know,
a... a little up and down.

But, um, excited
for whatever happens.

Good for you. I'm...

glad you're happy.

I am happy.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-All right.
-Well, okay.

Table five, baby.

What are you doing?

You think I'm a cocaine smuggler?

You almost blew up your own home

less than ten minutes after
you got home from the hospital.

-You're lucky you're not dead.
-I admit that was not good.

And no one else
would take you in.

Trust me.
I called around.

Well, that is hurtful.
You have a mean streak, Sarah.

-Everyone says so.
-Really?

What are you doing?

Put your...
put your hands... put your...

You are not doing a body search.

-I'm sorry, Judith.
-No, you're not.

-But I am.
-No. [screams]

-You bet I am!
-What are you doing?

-Okay, where are they?
-Stop that! [groans]

Don't you try
to get away from me.

My... [groaning]

You don't want me
to find that cigarette.

Stop it! Stop that!
Stop it! I said, stop it!

Right now! How dare you!

-How dare you?
-Stop it!

I'm gonna find it!
My God!

-Do you have on a jog bra?
-I speed walk!

How dare you!

You have befouled our friendship!

Oh, hi, girls!

Oh, thank God
you're here, Geneva. [sighs]

Sarah's turned into some
insane dominatrix pervert!

She's here to keep an eye on you
while I go run some errands.

-A babysitter?
-Don't take your eyes off her.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

I'll catch you up
on everything that's happened

since you were in the hospital.

-All right.
-Huh? [chuckles]

First off,
we have a mermaid in town.

Oh, and I have a photo.

That's a mermaid?

No, that's a lung

after years of cigarette smoking.

-[Judith coughs]
-And I have colored ones, too.

[Judith sighs]

Now look at these arteries.
You see all of that?

That's plaque.

And I have a poem
written by a woman

who lost two husbands
to cigarette addiction.

I will not m*rder Geneva.
I will not m*rder Geneva.

-[doorbell rings]
-Uh, my shift is over,

but that doesn't mean
you'll be alone.

There's a dark energy in here.

Who are you?

Teenagers, here to spend
quality time with you.

Actually, no.

Uh, Louisa said
we'd get some extra credit

if we volunteered with
the decrepit or whatever.

So, uh, which one of you is it?

-Oh.
-What... what are you? A juvie?

A punk? A ruffian?

She's so tragicmatic,
I'm into it, though.

Have fun. [laughs]

Set an alarm reminding me
to TikTok tonight

about how boring my life is.

So, has anyone ever been you
for Halloween?

[groans]

[Judith sniffing]

Breathe deep, girl.
I get it.

[Al groans]

-[door clicks shut]
-[Louisa groaning]

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Hello.
-Hi, roomie.

-Welcome home.
-Come on.

Take a seat.
We're about to watchSplash.

Given the circumstances
of the day,

we felt very inspired.

Well, I'm gonna grab
some popcorn,

and then scooch over.

Okay. Scooch over.

[Martin] Are you
out of your mind?

Letting that lunatic
stay with you?

What was I supposed to do?

Just let her sleep in the woods?

No. Because then she would set
our whole forest on fire.

She could blow
your whole house up.

-Is she in there now?
-Yeah.

But I checked everywhere,
and I mean everywhere.

No cigarettes.

And I got people up there
with her all the time.

This is reckless
and irresponsible.

It's also kind and neighborly,
and I thought you were beginning

to get a hang of those concepts,

but it seems like
a certain somebody

has just walked you back
a couple of steps.

What's that supposed to mean?

I thought there for a while

you were really getting the idea

about living in community,

being a part of a small town.

You were changing.

Exactly. God forbid
I just be me.

And for the record,

that's what
I like about a certain someone.

They never ask me to change.

They don't make me feel like
I'm always falling short.

They like me just how I am.

And you know what?
It's fantastic.

Then why don't you seem happy?

Well, I am very happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Oh, I'm sorry I had to see that.

Now, if
she's gonna stay in this house,

then I'm giving her
the house rules first.

-Yeah, Martin...
-That's it.

-Oh, come on.
-No, end of story.

Listen here... Judith!

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

You almost took my eye out.

I'm saving the youth
of today, and my sanity.

These teens are k*lling me.

Oh, my gosh.

She literally just threw
our phones out the window.

I actually
needed an upgrade anyway, but...

You children are horrible.

And those phones are k*lling you.

Why don't you read a book?

Or see a play?

Or find out
who Igor Stravinsky is?

Oh, isn't he that weirdo
who sits behind me in math?

-Okay.
-[Harley] No, no, that's Ivan.

-Ivan?
-Judith, stop!

Those children aren't enough
to drive anybody to jump.

You do have a point.
Get out.

We didn't even do anything.

I said, just go.

Judith, if you're gonna
stay in this house,

you will abide by
all of Aunt Sarah's rules

to the letter.

-Number one.
-I know.

I know. No smoking.

No smoking. No smoking.

Don't you people realize?
I don't want to smoke.

I want to quit!

But nothing
is harder in this world,

not childbirth,
or recovering from SARS,

or even quitting heroin.

I had a big life.

What I'm trying to tell you,
is that I'm trying.

Haven't you ever had
anything in your life

that just kicked your a*s
no matter what you did?

Something that you hate
about yourself,

but you can't change it?

A flaw you can't beat?

Something you have
no control over,

and yet it just shapes
your whole life.

Yes.

[Judith]
Then you understand.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm sorry.

I made a mistake.

I blew up the house,
and I regret it.

And I regret all



but I am trying.

[tearfully] I'm trying.

I will not smoke again.
I will not smoke again.

I will not smoke again.

Why don't we go outside
for a minute?

I will not smoke again.

Maybe we, or you, can help her.

Maybe it'll be okay.

Just reassure me that she has
no access to any...

Absolutely.

I mean, I practically
strip-searched her.

Do you think
she would be so stu...

-[expl*si*n booms]
-Whoa!

[smoke alarm beeping]

[coughing]

You should have looked
in my jog bra.

[coughing]

That was, like, so inspiring.

Tom Hanks left everything
he knew.

His family, the produce business,

his ability to walk
on land just to be with her.

Nothing is more important
than true love, nothing.

He realized he didn't want to
live, like, a day without her.

So he was willing
to leave it all behind.

Wait, wait,
what are we talking about?

Al, how many times
have we talked about this?

I cannot move
to New York with you.

-Why, why?
-What are you talking about?

Sleeping in your dorm
when I don't go there?

That's weird. It's creepy.

It's not creepy. It's...
No, no, you're a celebrity now.

-Yes, it is! Oh!
-You could, like...

maybe you
could find an agent out there.

You could, who knows?

Maybe you could get
a billboard in Times Square.

Sure.

From "Welcome to Port Wenn"?

-Yes, exactly.
-Babe, you're nuts.

I am nuts.
I'm so nuts about you, Elaine.

-Come to New York.
-Ew! I...

Look, if Tom Hanks is able

to just leave his life on land,

you can come to New York.

I mean, I always thought

that I would go
with a better plan than that.

Yeah.

But...

yeah.

Okay.

-Okay?
-Yeah.

-New York.
-New York.

You're saying yes to New York?

Yeah, I was saying yes
to New York.

-No, yeah, I'll go to New York.
-New York?

I feel like we should go
to New York.

-New York!
-Woo!

[laughs]

My turn.

[Susan] I just can't believe it,
your story.

It's a miracle you're alive.

You should write a book,
Surviving at Sea, A Fish Tale.

-Get it?
-Mm-hmm.

Could you sing
"Poor Unfortunate Souls"?

-I just love that one.
-Aw.

What's happening?

Hi, Cecilia. I'm Mary.

I heard you might need
some clothes.

And here, from my son,
Tommy. [chuckles]

Why are you all being so nice?

We know you went through
a traumatic experience.

What else would we do?

I also got
you this prepaid phone.

I'm sure there's so many people
you need to call.

Are you making fun of me?

-No.
-Cecilia.

No. We're not...

-What? No.
-Of course not.

-Cecilia.
-Hey, Cecilia.

-Hey, can we talk for a second?
-I'd rather not.

-Maybe tomorrow.
-Yeah, but maybe now is good.

Um, okay, see, so, um...

Okay, so I checked around,

and it seems like no one...

is missing from any cruise.

But there is
a missing person report

for somebody
who fell off of a party boat

docking super close
to our harbor.

Okay, fine.

I was at a costume party.

I got drunk,
and I fell overboard.

Yeah, there's nothing
to be ashamed of at all.

Why'd you lie?

Maybe I wanted some privacy.

I don't know you,

or any of your weird
gift-giving friends.

I'm going upstairs.

Wait, did anyone ask about me?

Is any... Is someone
coming to get me?

[softly]
Well, the Coast Guard said

that no one
wanted to leave the party.

[Cecilia sighs]

Well...

you get the friends
you deserve, right?

You just got to meet some people
who like you for you.

Who would that be?

You saw what I look like.

I've tried everything,

lotions, herbs.

I'm on this griseofulvin med,

even though
I know it doesn't work.

And dating?

Trust me, no one wants
to get in these pants.

Oh.

Well, Cecilia,
what are you t... Cecilia.

Hey, Doc, I got to talk to you.

I'm kind of worried.

For the last time,
there's no evil sea witch.

No, Cecilia,
I found out she lied.

She fell off a party boat
while she was drunk,

not a cruise ship,
and she's saying

how unattractive she is,

and she takes "griseo" something.

-Griseofulvin?
-Yes.

And then she said things
that made me bummed out.

Wait, she was
saying she was drunk.

That med would make you sick

even after a tiny bit of alcohol.

-Why would she lie?
-I don't know.

Why'd she lie about any of it?

I feel like she has, like,

really low self-esteem.

Well, if she wasn't drunk...

maybe she didn't
fall off the boat.

-What?
-Could she have jumped?

She does seem really unhappy.

-She's alone right now?
-Yeah.

[tense music]

[knocking softly]

I do not like doing this,
but she really did seem upset.

Ah.

Do you think
she left out the window?

Hey, Doc.

"Please don't look for me.
I'm not worth the trouble."

-Do you think she could...
-Given the circumstances?

Yes, we need to find her now.

Okay, I'll tell Elaine
to call everyone we know

to help us look
for a runaway mermaid.

-Mark!
-I know, I know.

But why would she
go out the window?

-Cecilia!
-Cecilia!

Cecilia!

["Cecilia" performed
by Three Mile Hill playing]

Cecilia.

♪ You're breaking my heart

♪ You're shaking
my confidence daily ♪

Cecilia!

♪ Oh, Cecilia

♪ I'm down on my knees

♪ I'm begging you please
to come home ♪

♪ Come on home

-[phone vibrates]
-Hello?

Where?

On my way.
I'll call the doc.

Go, Team Mermaid!

Yes! Yes!

[whimsical music]

[low hum of whispered chatter]

This doesn't look so good.

-What's the plan?
-[Martin] I don't know.

I haven't done this before.
I know we need to keep her calm.

Hey, sweetheart.

-What you doing?
-Leave me alone.

Why can't you all leave me alone?

Well, because
we care about you and, uh...

it... it seems you're upset.

Of course I'm upset.

I jumped overboard at a party,
and my friends don't even care.

Well, maybe
you just need some new friends.

Look at this.

It's disgusting.

Who would want to be
my real friends?

We would.

I can only guess
what you say behind my back.

We don't say anything
behind your back.

We were just being friendly.

I'm going up there.

Good idea.
I'll keep her talking.

Cecilia, listen to me.

We all have things
we don't like about ourselves.

We don't all wear it
on our skin like you have to,

but we all have something.

What are you talking about?

Honey, I was so ashamed
when my husband left me

for my sister that I confessed

to a m*rder that I didn't do.

I was so embarrassed
when I didn't get a call back

to a school, that I lied
to the entire town about it.

I had an affair
and gave two men boobs.

I pooped little plastic men.

Twice.

I had my heart broken
so hard I thought that

I was never gonna get over it,
but I did.

[Louisa] And I'm the one
that broke his heart.

And then he offered
to have a baby with me,

but that didn't seem like
a good idea

for a bunch
of complicated reasons.

But now I am trying
to be a mom on my own,

and it's wonderful and exciting,
but also it makes me feel bad

because it feels like
I'll never find love again.

It's okay. It's okay.

That was a lot.

[Judith] Listen to me,
sweetheart.

I blew up two houses

because I couldn't quit smoking.

That never happened to you,
did it?

I have a blood phobia.

I get panic attacks
at the sight of it.

Which is why
my assistant, Elaine,

was drawing blood
without a license,

and now my entire medical career
is in jeopardy.

What?

Well, that's messed up.

[sobs]

This town is very strange.

Yeah.

But we mean well.

[crowd murmuring]

-What are you doing here?
-I don't know.

I just figured
you'd want some company.

And for the record,
I know you're not a mermaid,

but you did make me believe
in happily ever after again.

Like, I can't even stop smiling
when I'm looking at you.

Hey, what do you say
I take you back down there, huh?

[gentle music]

-Mm-hmm.
-[Mark] Yes.

[townspeople cheering
and applauding]

I can't believe
you didn't tell me that, Doc.

[Sarah] What?

See? You get the friends
you deserve. [laughs]

[hum of excited chatter]

Oh! Hug! Yay!

Blood phobia?

How is it you never told me that?

No more secrets.

Good for you.

Good for you, too.

I know.

I'm gonna
check myself into a hospital.

I need professional help.

You want me to drive you?

-Oh, that was really something.
-Mm-hmm.

Can I bum a smoke?

-Just one.
-[Martin stammers]

-I'm kidding.
-[Martin huffs, groans]

Mr. Busy Harvard
Medical Degree.

[exhales sharply]

[theme music]