01x06 - Taming of the Dude

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

you were way above average last night definitely among my top nine Sexes I've banged a lot of Walmart greeters in my day and you my dear are definitely the

youngest well you should probably be on your way oh well I enjoyed meeting all of you and I enjoyed all your tan lines can you

believe this guy I know he is a consensual sex machine how does he do it he doesn't even break a sweat that

sentence me a little bit come on you guys know how to pick up ladies right just like riding a bicycle naked into a lady sure we're a pickup artists love

them and leave them that's us I hope you're wearing a helmet on that bicycle oh awkward Mumble okay so maybe Ennis is dating more than we are but I'd rather

look for love than cheap sex any day Larry's desperate rationalizations have given me an idea I'm gonna fix you losers tonight I'm taking you to date school class begins at .

actually you know what seven is better for me hi Sue you're not going to ennis's date School no no one should ever be subjected to the teachings of Ennis

hofftard we'll accept the students at this school besides I'm busy trolling the internet for dates uh also figs uh apricots or something called a pluot oh

no add to cart you know there are other ways for women like us to find fulfillment without a man whoa whoa whoa I am not entirely comfortable with where

you're going with this although I did spend a blissful semester at Sarah Lawrence and I did briefly own a Subaru so I guess what I'm saying is maybe

after a drink or two the rest of your life begins now follow me oh Lord what kind of bee story am I

mixed up in this time now once I open the store what I'm about

from you welcome to pillow fight club we meet here after work when no men are around this is about taking back pillow

fights for ourselves this isn't for guys to watch Sometimes women want to have a pillow fight and not make out at the end

also it makes baby laugh I don't know hand me that memory foam Miracle because

this [ __ ] is about to get amnesia foreign

legendary Hound do you like Mansions caviar and ladies well I can't help you with the first two but the ladies that's as simple as

yaza want to learn how to do that yourself it's as easy as taking my class in the hopdod method not now Mrs

dembowitz I'm making a video with your granddaughters call now it's only . . what did we just watch it's my

promo tip for the date school I taught in the s it's how I paid my way through traffic grad school sign up for my class and by the end you'll be waist deep in boobs or at . guaranteed

count me out nobody in the right mind would pay me you guys find dates any way you want I'm gonna keep trying to find love my own

way the right way so you think your ways are better than mine care to make it interesting no I don't want to make it interesting this isn't a game and yet by saying the word game you've agreed that

there is a game let the games begin whoever bags the first broad wins but I don't want a bag of broad I want to fall in love with abroad I mean a woman

why am I running

[Music]

foreign you think it's impossible to acquire intercourse you probably also think it's

impossible to fly

[Music]

thank you I am Enigma your teacher well well looks like Mr romance has decided to join my

class you're here to pick up some pointers to help you win our contest yeah there is no contest and you're actually in my class

fine but keep the ball play to a minimum on your side of the gym while I keep the ball play to maximum on mine just go easy on the sex talk okay right class

grip your shuttle clocks like I taught you and start whacking vigorously I think I finished and now my sex princesses let's begin with my

guaranteed methods for picking up women or in Helen's case vaguely bail-like objects not offended just intrigued it's time to learn how to nail it nail

negotiate acquire intercourse leave so that's what it stands for now let's

begin with the approach always carry a cane makes you look Regal or crippled which is great for pity sex there's another kind

you represent the chain of Lies register trademark hofstax company in that lead into bed go I invented my space I

remember your name I am dying of a rare disease that can only be cured by boobs my back doesn't sweat when I sleep uh uh

um I play professional round ball for the Minnesota yank Fox no a chain of

Lies is only as strong as its weakest FIB recover my Mansion is good that's it haunted and therefore we'll have to do

the sex here in the Discount Carpet Warehouse bathroom outstandingly perfect you've completed the chain of Lies congratulations you're ready to take

this to the streets and aim your horniness at unsuspecting strangers hooray you're all gonna fall in love and make teddy bears hey Toby pal come on

back that's totally inappropriate for you pillow fight club doesn't stop at the gym you will find Sisters of the pillow everywhere here's your nacho

Supreme latte this one's on me

[Music]

[Music]

but we serve one country this is bigger than I have imagined too

big to trust to a pig and brain like Miracle she's bitten off more than she can chew

I have to admit I'm a little nervous not Madame Poorman have you reached your verdict nervous but still not to worry you've all been issued your earpieces so

I'll be the wind beneath your ears that little voice inside your head saying don't be nervous just pretend it's and you're asking for an interest-only

loan from any of several existing Banks well it's a short-term sex loan with no intention of paying it back sure I might bundle it together and sell it as Securities back mortgages whatever it

doesn't matter once the Chinese start to ask for their money back from the treasury this entire economy is going to go into this

starboard side Andrew freaky looking Euro Backpacker solo dancing Helen that skinny bartender resembles a coat rack looks just drunk enough to make a mistake right out

stop Helen you're hitting on a bar stool and you know it oh Larry you're here to lose our contest

again no contest no I'm here because your sleazy methods will end in disaster and I would like to offer my friends a healthier option like apple Dippers

instead of french fries hey Larry nobody wants your Apple Dippers Stuart tell that Philly you want to dip your Apple in her imitation caramel sauce

be sincere tell her something truth about yourself sorry the voices in my head are giving me conflicting advice right now uh fun fact I have arrests

and no convictions look Willard try to find common ground with that nice lady no tell her you think she's coming street meat and you

want to do sex at her on the ground with her privates I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you but I heard the word meat do you have any meat it

doesn't have to be friends okay Larry you said you could pick up a

woman with honesty I'd honestly like to see that great now I'm talking like this vanilla bean you know what so that each of you can finally understand how stupid

ennis's tactics really are I will demonstrate how a gentleman picks up a lady how about that dance oh let's pick someone else I've been

circling her wagon for about a month which on the Larry plan means I'm about six weeks away from doing this from across the bar well I'm Larry and I

don't want to talk to a girl with this guy with the so is me doing you being afraid to talk to a girl that was a spot

on Larry my trick is I pretend I tucked up My ba*ls Like Larry does all right fine here goes watch and learn how a

lady likes to be spoken to hi hi

so you finally decided to talk to me wait you've noticed me here before I've certainly noticed you looking at me I

figured you're about six weeks away from making some kind of Jester across the bar um my name's Marie I know I know I have

seen you sign your receipt so many times and the curlicue on your M's suggests that you have a bubbly personality but

would also make a good mother hi my name's Larry hi Larry nice to finally meet my stalker kidding

hey Marie so that I don't have to break up an anecdote later I'm gonna run to the boys room now but I'll try not to fall in

cause IP sitting down so I don't know if you caught any of that but I just threw some honesty Chum in the waters and I reeled in a great

white I mean she's not she's not great because she's white she could have been black or Asian point is I was just being myself and I got a great beautiful white

girl this can't be he's cheating somehow well hello man dressed in a conversation starting manner that loser Larry what

did he use on you the triple Flim Flam said he's an astronaut got a terminal disease and tried to sell you steak knives well if you like him and then you're gonna love me because I'm just

like Larry but I am an astronaut can I interest you in these they were designed by Nassau to cut Stakes on the moon which is where I got my terminal disease

Moon A*DS it's non-catchy okay this is vastly different than a

minute ago I'm sorry Larry you're nice but I've been looking for a guy like Ennis for a long time sorry Larry she

just fell right into my lap sorry Innis you just fell right into my trap

so did anyone else get lucky this weekend or was I the only one ooh tell me more tell me or well I don't want to

give you the dirty details but let's just say I hit the jackpot oh Adam's Family slot machine you wore

me out Daddy already but you just paid out two minutes ago okay but this time I'm On

Top well I nearly scored but I built my chain of Lies too effectively when it

was time to go home with her I spent four hours in the parking lot searching for my Maserati so then I had to carjack a Maserati anyway my trials in July I

sure could use one more lesson from Annis oh Enigma thank God we still have so much more to learn and I have so much

to teach you about being in love oh you're in love with a woman you just met

but that's what I do oh Larry if thou truly newest of Love you'd be talking like an old-timey English guy like me

governor for I am in love I'm in love with being in love I just wanna out of being in love

so you're all done then with your game playing of course not Marie and I are hosting a game night at my place and you're all invited we'll be playing

Super Cranium and if things get too ambunctious regular cranium bring your imaginations and one can good

for those less fortunate than us foreign

[Music]

The Harder They Fall no actually I think she fell because your pillowcase is filled with oranges and light bulbs you know that breaks the first rule of

pillow fight club I thought the first rule of pillow fight club was you do not talk about pillow fight club and how are we having this conversation think Sue

look I'll tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you hit that woman with a bag full of ferrets your fighting pillow has to be something you can sleep on a bag full of ferrets is a hobo

pillow Miracle I'm concerned that you may not have the mental thread count to run pillow fight club you think you could run this club better well then

tomorrow night pillows at eight like I told my roommate at Sarah Lawrence you're going down on a cold

Winter's Night you tomato soup it's that movie bechamel sauce okay can we start the game now will you

get the drinks Bumble it would be my pleasure B oh Marie and I have a new way of talking it's called Baby Talk register trademark

it's incredible or should I say incredible you've gotta try it what are you doing man you're so cutesy you're

making me sick out of here

[Music]

oh yeah man I could be cool with this damn stand

forwards just Kitty like yarn because I love to knit yes I do yes I yes I do

twinks man

[Music]

I have to go to the bathroom so what's going on with Venice it's like he's turned into some horrible kind of Larry I'm not sure that's necessarily

bad oh it is it is we better check the medicine cabinet for ennis's ba*ls because they are clearly oh I'm Vicodin we've got to get the old in his back the

way they feed each other strawberries disgust me they're wasting the stems yeah we need a plan to break them up we've got to take her down I've got it

I'll give her half of these two of these yeah we need a plan I know the cutiness is off-putting but it is real and we should be happy for him I mean Ennis is

in love with a woman that I met first and seemed to have a real connection with and yes thank you it is very big of me to be happy for him Larry's right we've got a k*ller I've already

sharpened her toothbrush into a shave come on everyone just take a deep breath

and relax for four ah thanks everyone

you can go back to being an angry mob now again you do not need Dennis's techniques to find someone you just be yourselves okay and here's a

conversation starter hey what's your favorite kind of ice cream mine is vanilla now obviously you're going to insert your own flavor there but you'd

be very hard-pressed to beat vanilla chain of lies on three ready one two lie

I'm successful and taller than I am I'm not out of Vicodin I own pizzas I am Berkshire Hathaway richest man in

newspaper hello Chums I have an announcement to celebrate and still lights for everyone

mstel light the beer of men who are only gonna have one beer you've seen the ads

still light the beer from anywhere only gonna have one beer a toast to the good old womanizing Ennis

who's dead forever as of tonight because in a few hours I'm gonna propose to Marie whose last name I do not know this

box contains the sexy remnants of my filthy past use them and think of me well I for one Salute You anise that is

a special special girl that you stole from me not upset High Road thanks Lair you know these days are being a totally whipped half d*uche have been the best

of my life I have feelings now and I owe it all to you I want you to be my best man oh my goodness

yes yes he said before Ennis could take it all back you know I was secretly still a little pissed off at you but now I get to rent a tuxedo all right you go

proposed it'll be time later to talk about hairstyles and colors I brought you into this so you'd have one memory that wasn't deep fried but

there can only be one liter of pillow fight club I wouldn't let you lead a club sandwich it's like I say you can lead a club sandwich to Sue's mouth but

it's already full of pudding are we gonna make tug tongue zings all day or are we gonna dance

thank you these are too big for my fingers oh dear genital sombreros

this is all that is left of all that is again only . to get sexy ladies like this I'll be back in a sec don't go

anywhere this is boring I miss Anna can you fast forward

wait a minute is that happy zoom in rotate degrees

enhance wow that's a good VCR contemporized haircut rewind a Time code minutes and

seconds

[Music]

I'm making a video with your granddaughters demo wits I know that name

yeah Marie dembowitz that's Ennis is my Marie

be back in one second but it's two weeks broke my heart my heart well at least I've still got my

beautiful hands no and it stopped hard no matter how long

it takes I will track you down make you love me and then break your heart oh my

God we have to stop her you think if we put Romancing the Stone in this wonderful VCR it can take Kathleen Turner's shirt off worst case we get to

watch romance in the Stone ah the school roof the most romantic low

to no-cost location in knob Haven shall I cut the Salisbury steak for a Milady or would you like your fudge brownie first

I've gotta stop Ennis Crossing Way what a

oh no oh don't stop and look at me all right I better just call in US Marie

I think you'll like this new ringtone I hollered it out with a melon scooper I'm not even out of my contract that's

how much I love you oh and this is perfect you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this moment

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

okay that's too far away let's try this no still too far

copywriting friends man now that I finished singing that current hit pop song I only have one question will

you Air

free and it's it's a trap oh this is the new annex I did not realize they had finished it

this is really nice me to recap will you marry me

let's just get this annoying glove off it's odd I seem to be wearing an under glove made of Raisin skin

oh my God that's your hand yes it is I bikini girl number two from your date school video you left me in that hot tub

for two weeks and I swore Revenge he's getting kind of sidetracked here will you marry me or not no my answer is no

no Emma Stone it's a trap I'm too late aren't I it is it is too late my new feelings they're breaking they're

feeling all over me got it burns and it's just stay calm look on the bright side now you can go back to womanizing

no I can't risk this pain I'll never look at another woman again I'm doomed to walk the earth like a ghost that

knows not the touch of a woman nor the scent and like that he was gone Ennis did it together you gotta snap out

of this oh

my the legends of pillow fight club are true it's like I've died and gone to skinamax heaven like a sex Phoenix and

his hot Todd rises again oh and again no

yes I did your evil plan so Marie now that I've thwarted your evil plan I have to ask is it just me or did we have a

connection back at the bar I wouldn't mind if oh my God are those your hands