01x08 - Mr. Hofftard Goes to Washington

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with the monkey business back there we're going to Washington DC not the zoo although there is a zoo there where considerable Monkey Business takes place

and it's called the Senate who's doing satire back there did Dunes Barry get on the bus are we driving to bloom County and this is not an editorial cartoon and

take off that shirt well I for one am excited for this field trip to Washington DC I even purchased the mature l*sbian's guide to DC at Home

Depot yes I think I will take my lever on a stroll through the Botanical Gardens at dusk and then make fun of the Washington Monument

no service for miles well this would be a bad place for a buster

overheating well this is totally unplanned I say without a hand of Suspicion now all teachers please exit I'm going to need you to track down

water

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bitching us I guess I should have told you but Sue isn't actually going to Washington for a

field trip you guys want to know what's who's really planning you see she's gonna he knows more than he's letting on formation cobra

I never said I wouldn't talk Sue's gonna testify to a senate panel about why knob Haven is the worst high school in the country but that's good she can tell

them why the school's so bad we're overcrowded underfunded actually she's planning on blaming it all on the teachers we're incompetent unqualified

apathetic we just phone it in uh who cares all right we need to get to DC before Sue so we can stop her from

putting the blame on us Stuart when does Sue testify three o'clock tomorrow in the Capitol Building she's probably halfway coming back

embarrassing but I'm gonna need some money for gas yeah yeah okay that was probably pushing it

so we've got hours to get to Washington and the best way for us to be too is for us to pair off I choose Larry Let's Ride

I saved you from having me with one of the chicks we're gonna have fun I'm gonna try to give you onion gum oh darn not supposed to say onion never mind

you'll forget forget what I didn't say anything can my couple be three people me miracle and Stewart nah I get a

miracle there's no way a car is going to stop for me well except out of curiosity what do you say happy

Willard seriously he's like a hundred the guy's got one working kidney oh it's

working it's just working against me

let me try I borrow your car for a few days

absolutely let's go honey clear up This Woman's waiting may I store your fishing gear in the trunk oh no that's Helen hey

I'll take fishing gear any day what your mother will still be dead tomorrow These boots were so not made

for walking hold on what do we what do we have here seen one of these since

wonder if I remember how to hot wire it oh there we go hop in

oh look it's got an iPod interface so begin the fantastically implausible

erotic adventures of Professor bolognius Master of the clouds caresser of cumulus nuzzler of nimbus the first man to

masturbate at an altitude of five miles oh if I were you America I would wear a hat

hello what's this erotic Cloud fancier tight Asian clouds Catholic School

clouds ew gross let me see

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I know this sounds crazy but we need to get to DC before our boss does well that don't sound crazy what's crazy is

pickles are just old cucumbers even crazier than I call a poop a pickle it's no people excuse me I gotta head into the woods and fire off a pickle

okay are you thinking what I'm thinking I'm on it yeah you weren't thinking what I was

thinking why are we driving a truck when we're hauling a race car on it duh great call Larry duh you can't do this

in a race car well you still weren't thinking what I was thinking but whatever we got to get to Washington

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Anna who says a race to DC can't also be a pleasant road trip I was as skeptical of this trip as I was of this onion gum

but we are having fun I'm so bored and your breath reeks let's see what this guy's got in his porn compartment jackpot oh it's just pickle porn green

and bumpy two pickles one jar barely kosher oh it's so gross I'm sorry boring Larry I guess I've always hated road

trips ever since I was a child Dad can we pull over for a soda we're moving heat sensitive military cargo

through the desert and you want to stop for a soda you think we suffer a soda on Hamburger Hill hell no even though we wanted to because the mission sounded so

damn Delicious well can I get a soda when I join the military you might get a mouthful of Bang Pow which is an especially tasty Vietnamese soda it's

also what we call genital herpes and high fives Bang Pow I don't know Dad the military sounds kind of scary but what

if I'm not brave enough then you're gonna get a face full of wet bang which is a very spicy pork dish and I'll hit you in the face with it

so my dad gave me a clever nickname coward just because your dad labeled you a cow or it doesn't make you a coward

you know what since we're already going to be in DC let's pop by the Pentagon and you can show your dad you're not a coward or better we get ice cream and

you hold me while I cry everything is so easy for you like how that guy just gave you this car I bet when we get to the Senate you'll just bat your pretty eyes

and they'll name a law after you but you can get what you want too sweetie you want to know how I get everything I get flirting I don't know how to flirt I

mean my last date was a cardboard cutout of the TiVo logo oh it's easy flirting is the oldest profession in the world come on give it a try

learn get your hot flirt here

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that was probably just a coincidence oh I am full of liquid like crazy

Kool-Aid man I've got to go oh yeah wait a minute the sun's getting closer to us no we're

getting closer to it dangerously so we need to lose altitude no we're too late if anything leaves this balloon we'll

float into the sun if Mars doesn't get us first it's completely Sound Logic you you yes happy

if we pee we die so

I just don't know if we're gonna have time to see my dad at the Pentagon I mean between the whole thing was stopping Sue from testifying and we

really should check out that upside down stamp at the Smithsonian what would it be upside down and all but damn I was really looking forward to confronting my

dad and not running from him hope your dreams are sweet Larry because when you wake up you're gonna be sour

like this kosher dill .

Willard we'd be making good time if you and the horse didn't stop every few minutes to eat garbage attention return forth West

well well looks like you picked the wrong town to pill for a buggy in namely Colonial Williamsburg in . nothing we're doing today do these look like my

s pantaloons a*s wipe whoa anachronism sorry got knickers a*s wipe as punishment you two shall work off

your debt in the fields like sl*ves oh we didn't use that term anymore we prefer Freedom challenged Americans

he's waking up remember your lines people big energy pick up the cues hey buddy we're here in Washington really

that was fast check out this crunk Hotel it's so DC I bet it's crawling with presidents and Redskins and and maybe

even my dad dad Alice my son I have something to tell you Dad

something I didn't have the nerve to say until this road trip first you've always managed to look remarkably young secondly just because I chose not to go

into the military doesn't make me a coward there I said it I'm proud of you son I know you're not a coward checkout is at noon okay then that's enough Hey

look it's ma Rhea hola Mr Sun it was great to raise you ah My Maria you

always embarrass me I know that this isn't your real family Ennis hey this is ridiculous tomorrow when your dad sees you he's gonna see a brave man because

somehow between here in Washington you're gonna get Brave Mr Sun he grow up so fast I make your room ready now just

as you like who are only . now Ennis the only reason that you think

you're a coward is because that is what your father told you all those years it's time for you to get Brave okay buddy let's do it let's make a bravery baby

this will be perfect but I could be brave there what are you talking about you can't be brave at a blueberry festival Ennis easy for you to say just

wait till you're in there there could be a guy there with a knife probably to cut a pie but what if he trips blood and blueberry juice mixing in the streets

also you know who likes blueberries and blood Bears no on second thought maybe the Blueberry Festival isn't the best idea

foreign with the cotton picking then reattach

the cotton to the plants for the four o'clock picking show yeah maybe lightsaber app will make you go faster never knew how horrific sl*very really

was pack breaking labor the posing with tourists that endless shuttle bus back to the condominium I can't take it

anymore we've got to escape verily I hath received a communication from General Washington yo what's up G let's

go

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the Underground Railroad ran beneath this Safe House

mom run away sl*ves show them the passage honey and tell Tammy it's time for dinner you won't go see my room or

go straight to freedom freedom please Tammy it's time for dinner time my

sister Tammy's at a real Crossroads like you guys it's called puberty my paw he said she could either turn into a

butterfly or a butterface that just show us the passage kid this passageway will take

will take freedom fun fact for your help and good luck with your

period Tammy

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you look nearly Helen Honey flirting's as simple as one two three four now watch and learn Hey

Big Boy uh hi you're funny

really I'm funny you know I get that a lot people tell me I look like Chris Parnell gosh I really need to get to DC

hurry but I don't have any money if I could just get some gas I'm sure everything would be okay

you know what's funny that Tank's empty but this Tank's all full you know let's save paying for gas for

the ugly peoples us beautiful people have an understanding will I ever see you again I'll visit you in your dreams

okay Helen now it's your turn now you go inside and try it out listen up fat man and keep your eyes on

me that's right please don't hurt me my wife is pregnant with our third

real funny real funny it's working now if you just give me

everything I want everything's gonna be okay yes anything anything just tell me okay now I want some fruit pies I want some

of that turkey jerky I'm putting all the money in a sack okay holy crap a hold up at dovetails that's

here Ennis this is your chance to show bravery real bravery maybe you're right Lair it's now or never or maybe a few

days from now I've gotta sleep on it and no I'm gonna do this

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what you're doing man heroes die okay die Scamper away man's camper Skipper

Skipper you gave me what I want now you get yours wow I don't even know what I'm looking

at which way are you facing oh I'll visit you again in your dreams yeah no wow he gave you a lot of money you must

have really turned him on yeah I think I did he kept reaching under the counter like he was grabbing for something

don't think about peeing don't think about being oh

and that's not helping matters oh I can't handle that liquid just sloshing around it's too suggestive

for the lifetime of Misfortune that's been heaped on my head oh Mama's gotta take them

ah crap they found rides we gotta beat them to Washington back on the bus I don't even deserve to be called a

coward after that call me mega coward no that sounds too cool Ennis come on we're going to the Pentagon don't you see you

just need to be honest with your dad telling him you're a coward is the bravest thing you can do can't argue with that Sound Logic guess that's why you teach math I teach PE right I teach

math you teach English because that's what cowards do foreign

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there he is the man who scared you your whole life now go up to him and tell him you're a coward keep that box upright maggot I don't

think I need to remind you how much our boys overseas are counting on this shipment hello Dad Offspring is that you well here goes dad there's something I

want to tell you it's really tough for me to say but remember when you said if you saw that Cowardly Lion you'd sh**t it in the face well I'm not a lion per

se but I'm finally able to confess that are you doing man you tell him you're a coward he'll Eat You Alive like some

sort of wussy chickadee Brave I'm brave dad you Brave huh I have one hug left in

the chamber locked and loaded but if you're lying to me I swear to God I will discharge it into the ground can your friend verify this claim of Bravery

yes sir Ennis is a very brave man that's right Dad why just on the way over here I saved a little boy from a ghost werewolf

no too scary ghost I ain't afraid to know ghost a ghost is that true yes your son defeated a ghost well then I guess I

believe it son come here and take a hug to the chest area you maintain eye contact you've earned

it here we are in our nation's capital where Freedom Reigns now don't get off the bus except to feed the meter

the United States Senate has convened to discuss the very important matter of our nation's failing school system particularly the worst school in the

country knob Haven High as we know children as well as robots and clones are our future okay I'm gonna stop this

esteemed wind bag right here there's a very simple reason why knob Haven is the worst school in the nation and it's not

me you see the members of my faculty boy that Underground Railroad really

moves oh being a sl*ve is serious exercise I mean I'm sore but a good sore you know like when you haven't been to the gym in forever and then you go that

is sl*very in a nutshell I'm sorry my hearing is poor from taking a high-powered hose to the eardrum in the s did you just equate sl*very to going

to the gym uh those are two of my teachers and uh yes they just did which brings me to my point the teachers listen to anything Sue says she's

running the school into the ground just ignore these people and I will continue to tell you the real problem with knob

Haven it's the time out there are no timeouts in the Senate someone better give me some answers or principal says no is in big trouble okay everyone I

I've got a plan huddle up I will listen in but I will not huddle I learned something today the only thing more powerful than the truth is a lie you can

tell with a friend and if enough of your friends lie then that lie becomes the truth so come on let's lie our a*s this

is after these Noble senators Senators the real reason knob Haven High School underperforms so badly is because

of ghosts that's what you want to go with let me get this right the reason our nation's schools tests so poorly is

ghosts yes your honorable Senator it is most certainly not because our teachers are a pack of dummies it's because of ghosts well if these ghosts are anything

like the ghosts in movies then how could anyone teach let alone learn why with all the goo and the wobbly tittering Senator norkin how much is currently

being budgeted for busting of ghosts I believe none Senator young well I move that Educational Funding be taken from books and computers and be reallocated

to ghostbusting and we'll name it after that blonde Gale with with the boobies in the mouth and such

well I'm never voting again can't be we may not survive there go our plans of opening up a sh**ting service

together my friend maybe this is just the backup urine talking but I love you man

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good lying back there Ennis but that's always been your strength but what's this odd feeling the only emotions I know are tired horny Super Bowl guilt

about lying to my father oh you know what it's that one there's some sort of t*rror1st attack on

DC this is my chance to prove to my dad that I really can be brave you really want to go from zero to t*rror1st attack come on Miss kosher deal said one of her

turn-ons was Heroes and I want a piece of that pickle dead the t*rrorists are coming let's be

brave and kick their asses together t*rrorists

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are you nuts man oh those guys would Molly you do what you were trained to do Soldier go lamb roll around in some dirt

cover your sand man oh the old right man he knows he's still alive what's going on Dad you have a comfort

Kitty just like I do well yeah I've had him since the fall of Saigon right when you were fighting those pesky non-americans no son it's about time you

learned what your father really does for a living wait salty treats snow globes that's

right Ennis I run the Pentagon gift shop so you're not a w*r hero in my flashback the heat sensitive cargo is really just

chocolate bars so you're a I'm a coward that's right I entered the gifted Sundries division of the armed services

because I was afraid of getting blown up on a b*ttlefield I'm a coward too don't you see we're both cowards this is great

dad no it's not son well I'm worthless worthless you're the soldier who supplies sugary treats to the most

important people in the world Americans and you're brave for taking on the worst profession of all teaching America's

horrible children hot dog well I guess this is goodbye I love you

coward you too Mega coward hey that sounds pretty cool

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please