03x04 - Nobody

[bunniefuu]

[Telephone ringing]

Don't come.

This is Ralph.

The person who hired you
to film him tomorrow.

Don't come.

The bad one is here.

He's inside the house.

He's trying to get into my room.

I don't know how long
he's gonna stay this time,

but don't come.

Don't try to reschedule.

Because if he gets in here...

it's gonna be a very bad day.

[Thunder cracks]

[Knock on door]

No!

No!

No, no, no.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, no.

[Wind chimes tinkling]

Yes.

Okay, okay, okay.

Don't come in.

Don't come in!

Please don't come in!

[Electronic music playing]

[Hinges creak]

Aaaaaaah!

[Sighs] Really?

That didn't scare you at all?

How did you get in here, anyway?

I barricaded the door.

[Sighs]

Wait. How did...

Oh, never mind.

Is there any chance
that you would just k*ll me now?

And get it over with?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Go away.

I know, okay?
I know.

I've been dealing with you
long enough to know.

I know I'm supposed
to go outside and get exercise

and see my therapist and meditate

and... and take my stupid
medications and eat.

I know I'm supposed to eat,

but I can't eat when you're here.

Okay?

No, no, you're not
listening to me.

I'm not being a fussy boy.

I-I physically cannot eat
when you're here.

If you want to leave, I'll eat.

Do you want to leave?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

No food to eat in this stupid
rental house, anyway.

Oh, my God! What?!

Okay, fine.

You want to see me eat?
Fine.

You know what?
What a great idea.

Let's join the land
of the non-depressed

by eating the happy oatmeal.

Yay! It's...

Oh, God.

Mmm, yeah. Here we go.

Mmm! It's working.

I'm getting happier already.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God, it actually work...

[Sighs]

Oh, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

That's really embarrassing.

Wait, who am I kidding?

You've been watching me
go through this my whole life.

Do you remember the first time
you came to visit me?

Y-Yes. Thanksgiving 1982.

My favorite meal
of the whole year,

and I couldn't eat a thing
because you were so powerful.

And you were inside me...

i-in my tummy,
making me nauseous,

and I... and I tried to tell
everyone,

"I can't eat because
the big bad man's inside me."

And they said,
"You shouldn't say that."

And they made me eat, anyway.

And then I threw up
on the carrot casserole,

and they said,
"Oh, you have food poisoning."

But I knew what it was.

And so did you.

You were the only one
who understood.

Huh.

[Birds chirping]

Oh, my goodness, gracious.
Is it morning already?

[Sighs] Okay.

Alright, well, let's go.

Okay. Okay.

I'm outside,
and I'm getting some exercise.

I mean, I still want to die,
but at least I'm not...

What... What are you doing?

I don't... What?

Who's that?

[Sniffs]

Ew.

It's cold.

Aaah! No!

Whoa! Help!

No! No!

Not cool. Not cool.

And also? Confusing.

What is going on here?

You have been coming
here my entire life,

barging in unannounced,
uninvited...

rude, by the way...

and I still have no idea
what you want.

Do you want to k*ll me?
Is that it?

Because... Because
if that's what you wanted,

you've had countless chances.

You could have done it by now.

Or is it
that you want to help me?

Because [scoffs]
I don't know what it is.

Part of you is, like,
hey, you know,

eat your oatmeal, go on a walk.

You'll feel better, you know?

And then I'll go out there
and what happens?

You Ebeneezer Scrooge me.

You show me dead me

and try to drag me
into an open grave.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of the shenanigans.

I'm tired of the mixed messages.

And I need you to just tell me
what you want.

[Eerie music playing]

Oh.

You want me to do it?

[Demon snarls]

Well...

it's tubby time.

Hmm.

[Chuckles softly]

[Demon roars]

Demon:
Are you still mad at me?

What do you think?

I'm sorry if I hurt you,

but I had to do it.

You... You did not
have to.

I was already on my way out
in the tub.

You could have let me go
peacefully.

Did you think I was trying
to... hurt you?

You chomped my wrist!

See?

Wait. What...

Do you think...

maybe there's another reason
I put my mouth on your wrist?

Why else would you bite my...

Wait. Wait.

Were you trying
to stop the bleeding?

Oh, my God,
what is happening here?

Just tell me, once and for all...

are you trying to destroy me,

or are you trying to save me?

[Sighs]

A wise man once said,

just before he suckled

an older woman's
beautiful breast...

"Can't it be both?

Can't both things be true?"

-That's really beautiful.
-Who said that?

You did, knucklehead.

Me?

That makes me want to cry.

But that's the problem...

when you come to visit,
I can't feel anything.

I can't cry.

You want to try?

Try what?

Try to cry.

You know, fake it
till you make it.

-Okay. I mean, okay.
-Alright.

[Imitates crying]

Oh, that's a good boy.

Oh, try some sounds with it.

-[Whimpers]
-Oh, that might help.

Let's make those dead eyes rain,
soul brother.

[Imitates sobbing]

Oh, bring on the juice!

-It's no use.
-I can't do it.

I can't do it while you're here.

So, you want me to go?

Isn't that painfully obvious?

If you want me to leave,

all you have to do
is close your eyes.

Make a wish, and I'll be gone.

Just make sure
it's what you really want.

'Cause once I leave,
you'll be all alone.

It's what I really want.

Okay, close my eyes, make a wish.

Close my eyes, make a wish.
Okay.

[Exhales forcefully]

Okay. I did it.

Wait. It worked?

It worked!

You're gone!

You're gone.

You need to stay gone, too.

Pills! Yes.

Pills. Lots of pills.

Never come back, huh?

Exercise! Exercise!

Mm-hmm.

Therapy!
Yeah, therapy. Therapy.

Hello? Yes.
Dr. Therapist?

I want to have sex
with everybody,

and I want to m*rder everybody.

Okay, I'll see you Monday.
Great.

Okay. Okay.

You're gone!
Finally!

Oh!

Oh, thank God.

Oh!

I'm finally alone.

Oh!

Yeah.

I'm all alone.

I'm alone.

Hey!

You're still here?!

Wait! No, no!
Don't leave, don't leave!

Are you gonna let me go?

Why are you doing this?

Are you just trying to scare me?

I'm terrified, okay?

S-So please, please let me go.

Stop it. Stop it!

Stop.

Stop!

Hmm?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Yeah.

He's gone.

Oh!

[Sighs]

I am glad that he is gone.

And...

I miss him.

Both things can be true.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Ralph?

What?
Yes, this is Ralph.

Wait. Hold on. I'm sorry.

What day is this?

It's still Monday?

I didn't miss it?

Yes, yes, this is Ralph,
and I'm ready for you.

Yes, I'll see you in 10 minutes.

I'm so excited!
Okay.

[Laughing]

Yes!

[Laughing] Yes!

Yeeees!

[Electronic music playing]

[Electronic music continues]