05x03 - The Great Debate

[bunniefuu]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Debating.

The next best thing
to theatre arts.

I loved it because I got to talk.

Fox loved it
because she got to argue.

Should jeans be
allowed in school?

Cara, you take the con side,
arguing against.

Critch, you're the pro side.

Calm down, Matlock.

Cara first.

Thank you.

My name is Cara, and I believe
that jeans should not

be allowed in schools
for the following reasons.

Denim dungarees
are the devil's trouser.

The Canadian tuxedo
is anything but formal wear.

It is an abomination
to not only the school system,

but to the human eye...
[voice fades out]

JUDGE: All rise.

You may be seated.

MARK: [Southern accent]
Your Honour...

I may not be a big city lawyer

like my learned friend
over there,

dressed in her New York finery.

No, sir.

I didn't go to some fancy
Ivy League law school,

and I sure as sugar
don't got me no suit

cut finer than a frog hair
split four ways.

But my momma, God rest her soul,

she taught me right from wrong

when I was knee-high
to a grasshopper.

Now, I may just be
a small-town lawyer,

but that don't give her

the right to pee down my back
and tell me it's rainin'!

I got a burr in my saddle, sir,

and I am madder than a wet hen,

because this witness's story...

it's all cattywampus, sir!

-[bangs gavel]
-Cattywampus, I say!

[banging gavel]

-[smacks book]
-Wake up, doofus.

It's your turn.

My name is Mark
and I think that jeans

should be allowed in schools.

I like mine baggy.

I mean, I tried wearing
tight jeans, but I just...

couldn't pull 'em off.

You ever wonder what those tiny
pockets in your jeans are for?

For coins.

I was so excited
when I found that out,

but the guy who was wearin' 'em
sure got upset.

So, you like movies, folks?

We rented Jaws the other night.

Did you know
that shark wore jeans?

[mimicking Jaws theme]
"Den-im... Den-im..."

"Denim, denim, denim."

Oh, then we played
some Super Mario.

He's a plumber.
He wears jeans.

[mimicking Super Mario theme]
"Denim, denim, denim!" Ooh...

-[smacks book]
-Enough! Enough.

First of all, that was the same
dumb joke, like, three times.

-I object!
-And second of all,

did you even listen
to Cara's argument?

I got the gist.

This is a debating club, Mark,
not a comedy club.

Someone's a sore loser.

She didn't lose.

I love you, but I love a loser.

[smacks book]
Cara wins!

I demand a retrial!

CARA: This is
such a waste of time.

We need more members.

Serious ones.

I take my comedy seriously.

Yeah, maybe a little
too seriously, sometimes?

May I approach the bench?

[heart-warming music]

-[music stops]
-SISTER ROSE: Ahem.

Am I interrupting something?

Typical behaviour
from a child of a broken home.

Get to class, hussy.

Not you.

{\an8}♪

{\an8}VOCM colour weather radar.

{\an8}Rain, drizzle, and fog
with patches of sun,

{\an8}followed by freezing rain
this afternoon.

{\an8}Light flurries overnight.

{\an8}Something for everyone,

{\an8}on the big number one
in VOCM Valley!

{\an8}-[sighs]
-Mr. Bartlett.

{\an8}Mike.
I'm goin' through the books.

{\an8} The advertisers
are droppin' like flies.

{\an8}Ever since the cod moratorium,

{\an8} might as well be
a radio moratorium.

{\an8}Well, people turn to radio
in times of crisis, sir,

{\an8} and VOCM
is the voice they trust.

{\an8}Well, the people
are leaving in droves

{\an8}and taking their money with 'em,

{\an8}so what you and I gotta do
is start making some cuts.

{\an8}We gotta get out the pen,
the red pen!

{\an8}Red as in blood.

{\an8}Now, please explain to me,
Mike, why...

{\an8}why do I own the house
that you live in?

{\an8}Oh, uh, well...

{\an8} well, that's
the company house, sir.

{\an8}You see, I'm kinda like
a lighthouse keeper,

{\an8}in case something goes wrong
in the middle of the night.

{\an8}When I first started,

{\an8} the station was
in the middle of nowhere.

{\an8}Was. Now it's on the edge
of somewhere.

{\an8} The city has grown.
That's prime real estate.

{\an8}And Mike...

{\an8}you're hardly paying
anything in rent!

{\an8}Oh, well, that arrangement
goes back decades, sir.

{\an8}And it's reflected in my pay.

{\an8}I don't make near as much

{\an8} as the news directors
at other stations, and...

{\an8} in fact, you know,
we're barely getting by,

{\an8}and I was going to ask...

Yes, sir, prime real estate.

Half the province
is moving to Alberta.

My car lots are dying.
No one's buying cars!

They're... they're
renting moving trucks!

That's what I should do.
I should buy a fleet a' those,

and... and...

I should park 'em right
where your house is, which is...

right on the highway.

That's somethin' to consider.

[sombre music]

[sighs heavily]

I'm sorry, Sister...

but I'm only human, after all.

I mean, our Lord was tempted
in the Garden, am I right?

Save it, Romeo.

I don't care about your
sweaty-handed fumblings.

This is important.

The premier...!
[scoffs]

This cod moratorium
is going to affect all of us.

He says we can't afford
different schools

for Catholics and Protestants
anymore.

He wants to...

bring us together.

Schools without nuns?

I... I won't stand for it!

Oh, shut it.

What's so bad about going to
school with Protestants, Sister?

-What's so...?
-[scoffs]

Without Catholic schools,
you wouldn't know God at all.

Do you know that the Baptists

don't even think
that Mary was a virgin?

Do you want to go to school
with a slutty Mary?

-Yeah.
-I, uh, I see your point.

I mean, you're a teacher,

but I doubt the new school board
is gonna hire any nuns.

No offence.

The premier
is having a referendum

on the denominational
school system.

I, for one,
intend to go down swinging.

There's a cable TV call-in show.

"Community Chat"?

Channel 9, Wednesdays at 7.

It's up against
"The Price Is Right."

Terrible slot
for a terrible show.

They've asked for some
Holy Heart students to appear.

-I never miss it.
-Do go on.

They want the Catholic
and Protestant students

to tell them how they
feel about the change.

Besides,
you signed up for shop class.

I know Jesus,
and you are no carpenter.

You want out?

I can make that happen.

I'm in.

I'm passionate on the issue.
I think...

Ah-ah-ah!

You don't know what you think
until I tell you what you think.

You wanna be on TV, Critch?

So very much.

Then you'll say what I want.

You're no debater, Critch.

You're an actor.
You need lines.

I will be Jim Henson,

and you will be my Muppet.

-♪ Mahna-mahna.
-Do-do, do-do-do. ♪

This stays between us.

Let's get to work.

♪

SISTER ROSE: Okay...

MARK: Nightcap?

POP: Ooh-ooh-ooh.
Yeah, good lad.

-Careful, it's hot.
-Ooh, thanks.

Ah, lovely.
Oh, bag in, yeah, good.

[sips]
Mmm!

Look at this damn thing.

"The premier plans to scrap
Newfoundland's"

"275-year-old denominational
school system."

Jesus.

It's all moving so fast.



I mean, they just stopped
saying the Mass in Latin,

and now they're lettin'
Protestants in!

Did you ever know any?

-Prods?
-Hmm.

Ah... hmm...

Y'know, we were taught
to stay clear of 'em.

I mean, they had...
they had different churches,

different schools,
different side of the harbour.

They owned the shops,
we worked the docks.

The only time
we ever mixed was to fight.

Why did you fight?

Because they were Protestants!

But are Protestants bad?

No.

We just didn't know any better,
you know?

All that stuff...

it really should have stayed
behind in the old country.

Does it really matter
what church people don't go to?

Well, but combining schools
means less schools.

You know, and Term 17

of the Terms of Union with Canada

clearly guarantees the church's
right to administer education.

That's our right.

Our God-given right!

Sweet Jesus.

You're beginning
to sound like Sister Rose.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Busted.

But...

you do have an excellent point.

Thank you.

For ending it!

You know, that nun,
she's brainwashed you!

It's time she taught you
to think for yourself.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Oh,
I could think for myself;

I just couldn't say
what I thought.

So what?

I wanted to be a TV actor.

And what is acting
if not creative lying?

♪

[gasps excitedly]

[humming happily]

Woo!

[upbeat traditional music]

[pot lid rattling]

Ooh!

You get back in your little
hot tub there, sweetie!

Mary, Mark's on the TV tonight.

We should have supper in the...
Good God!

-I know! Lobster!
-Isn't it great?

[giggles]

POP: What?
Oh, disgusting!

You know, in my day,

the family that ate the lobster
were the poor ones!

The rich crowd, they could
afford to buy canned goods.

Bottom feeders!

Beady little eyes.

Times have changed, Pop.

Lobster's classy now.

It's chic.

We can't afford lobster, Mary!

-That's the thing!
-These were free from work.

Now that there's no more cod,

the tourism department
is pushing lobster.

There's even gonna be
a Great Lobster Boil

on the waterfront,
just like the song!

The Great Lobster Boil!

[giggles]

But...

shouldn't they all be
in the one big pot?

Lobster! And here I thought
I wasn't paying ya enough, Mike.

Mr. Bartlett!

Uh, what are you doing here, sir?

Well, it's still my place.

I guess I can look around
my own property.

-The landlord?
-Oh, good!

'Cause there's plenty
around here that needs fixing.

This place is a dump!

MARY: Mr. Bartlett,

would you care
to stay for supper?

We're having lobster,
don't you know?

-Love to.
-Rats of the sea.

♪

[chuckles awkwardly]

[indistinct conversations]

[intriguing music]

♪

[indistinct conversations]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: It was like
West Side Story,

but with less knives
and more crucifixes.

You must be from Holy Heart.

What makes you say that?

Just 'cause she's a nun?

That's exactly the anti-Catholic
prejudice we are here to expose.

But you are from Holy Heart?

Uh, yes, we are.

Excellent.

What the hell was that?

What?

[sighs]

As we practiced, Critch.

Remember,
you are an empty vessel.

Like a silver chalice
ready to be filled

with the blood of Christ.

CREW: Places!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: I felt like
a 1960s doctor

about to do
a cigarette commercial.

CREW: Quiet on the set, please!

MARK: Okay...

Yes, it's a... it's a nice home
you have here, Mike.

Or I should say, "I have."

[chuckles awkwardly]

POP: You should see
the linoleum over there.

Peeling like a sunburn.

And don't get me started
on the windows.

You could dry your hair
with the wind

that blows through this place.

-Pop...
-And the front step?

[chuckles]

One false move...
you're in the street.

You'll have a lawsuit
on your hands.

Lawsuit.

[chuckles awkwardly]

Mary?

Mary!

Dinner is served!

[stately instrumental music]

In case you have trouble
with the shells, don't you know?

♪

You can use it later
to fix the curtain rod.

I have no idea how to eat this

as I have never had lobster
before in my life.

We usually only have
a few dirty old potatoes.

MARY: Mike!

-[clinking sounds]
-I believe my lobster's moving.

[loud thud]

Bon appetit!

Hey, you guys
are eating without me?

Ooh! Lobster!

He lives here too?

Yeah, but I'm in the, uh,
basement apartment.

Ah... apartment?

What, am I housing
the entire station?

Well, I am lookin'
for a place of my own.

So, you won't need all this room?

Mark is on the TV tonight.

Should be starting soon.

Why don't we go watch
in the living room?

CREW: In 3, 2, 1...

[theme music]

Tonight, we speak
to our province's youth

about the denominational
school system.

What do they think?

We're joined by Catholic
and Protestant students.

New TV, Mike?

Why, yes, it is.

Only 'cause
Mark broke the old one.

In Newfoundland, there
are Catholic, Anglican,

United, Presbyterian,
Salvation Army,

and Seventh-day Adventist
schools in some districts.

A public school system
would have just one.

How do you feel about that?

I think it'd be good.

There'd be more money for stuff
like sports and music programs.

CARA: I'm actually United.

My mom had to fight hard

to get me transferred
to Holy Heart,

and I live next door.

Taxpayers' money shouldn't
be used to split kids up.

This is religious persecution!

Catholics are just


We're a minority.

Can you imagine if
the other provinces voted

that Quebecers can no longer
speak French?

The Pope has lots of money.

They should sell a few statues
in the Vatican

if they want their own schools.

Yeah.

I read that
if they combine schools,

it saves $30 million a year.

That's a lot of books.

Um...

I'm thinking of one book
they wouldn't buy.

It's my favourite book.

It's got it all.

w*r... romance...

zombies.

It's, uh,
a little book called, uh...

the Bible.

Maybe, uh...
maybe you've heard of it.

Your little fella's
some religious.

[chuckles awkwardly]

MARY: He's graduating
high school this year,

don't you know?

Oh, another empty bed!

Oh, no, no, Mark's an actor.

He's never leavin' home.

POP: What are you, hm?

You're not Catholic, right?

Anglican?
United!

No, no, I'm Pentecostal.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

I'm surprised they even
let you watch the TV at all!

MARY: Pop!
Don't be an arsehole!

We have company!

-No, no, Mary, it's fine.
-I'm used to all the questions.

I tithe 10% right off the top.
Goes straight to the church.

But, Mike, this is why I drive
myself so hard in business.

You can't be generous
unless you've got it to give.

"-" Render to Caesar
the things that are Caesar's,

"and to God
the things that are God's."

Mark 12:17.

-Give me a break!
-You think nuns are saints?

They made my brother
write with his left hand

tied behind his back.

And they told me my mom would
burn in hell for divorcing Dad.

What's that got to do with math?

And now they're making you
be their suck hole!

I assure you,
I have sucked no holes.

-Oh, and, uh, we have a caller!
-Go ahead. Line 1?

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Saved
by the bell!

SISTER ROSE: [in fake voice]
Hello.

I have to say
I agree with the young boy.

I am a youth me'self and I
think religion is totally cool.

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: The show was
going off the rails so fast

it was almost ready
for daytime TV.

Welcome back.

If you've just joined us,
we've been talkin' to two groups

on the opposite ends
of the spectrum.

Protestants who believe
that Jesus was the Son of God...

and Catholics who believe
that Jesus was the Son of God,

but with a Pope.

I have a question
for the red-headed hussy.

What'd you call me?

Why do you think
you're "all that"?

Because ya ain't!

Come up here and say that!

Bring it!

[dramatic TV talk show
confrontation music]

-[loud thud]
-[audience yelling]

[sounds of struggle]

Now it's time
for my final thought.

As different as they are,
they are both wrong.

You can't learn your lesson
if you don't learn to listen.

And the best place for that
is a school of thought.

Until next time,
take care of yourselves.

And each...
Oh!

HOST: Mark?
Anything you'd like to add?

Uh...

[mouthing silently]

Just, uh, to remember...

[mouthing silently]

Even though you vote
behind a curtain...

[suspenseful music]

[mouthing silently]

♪

God is watching.

Give me a break!

You don't even
go to church anymore!

MARK: [TV] That's not
the point!

FOX: [TV] Oh, then what is
the point? Do you even...

[TV switches off]

MIKE: [chuckles awkwardly]
Kids!

Well, thank you
for the meal, Mary!

It was...

enlightening.

Hey, don't forget the toilet!

You have to jiggle it!

[snaps fingers]

Uh...

Uh, Mr. Bartlett,
uh, sir, I, uh...

[sighs]

You have a nice family, Mike,
and a good home.

-Well, thank you, sir.
-I appreciate it.

But this? We can't
go on like this forever.

[door shuts]

[exhales]

Well, I think this evening
went just about perfectly.

Hm?

Come on.

Mark's show's comin' back on.

["Community Chat"
theme music on TV]

HOST: [TV] This is
the referendum question.

"Do you support a single school
system where all children,"

"regardless of their religion,
attend the same schools?"

If you could, how would you vote?

Can I get a show of hands?
Yes?

[suspenseful music]

♪

[mouthing silently]

♪

HOST: Mark...

you seem to have had
a change of heart.

Uh, I... I guess.

Well, the Protestant kids...

I live closer
to their school than mine.

If I'da gone there...
[chuckles]

I coulda slept an extra


maybe even had breakfast.

We've always been taught
to stay away from them...

but hearing these kids today,
they're no different than us.

Someone once told me
that this stuff

should have stayed
in the old country.

If we stopped
dividing everything...

buses, sports teams,
dances, kids...

we wouldn't just have
more resources, we'd...

we'd have more friends.

I dunno, it just seems silly,
doesn't it?

And I feel comfortable
saying that,

'cause my teachers...

they taught me
to think for myself.

[sighs]

ADULT MARK [V.O.]:
Times change.

The things you once thought
were immovable

have a way of shifting overnight.

[mouthing silently]

MR. BARTLETT: [indistinct]
Gertie...

Look at this, Gertie, my dear.

This is the future, Gertie!

Out with the old...

Sorry, Mike.

In with the new!

ADULT MARK [V.O.]: Sometimes
change happens too fast.

You don't have to embrace it,

but eventually
you do have to accept it.

Some people think that if they
just keep their heads down

long enough,
maybe time would pass them by.

But change has a way
of creeping up on you.

♪

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