01x02 - Pink Flamingos

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Wonderfalls.
- Don't give her money back.

You can't talk.
You don't have a larynx.

If I do this, will you shut up!

See a penny, pick it up.

No more talking from things that don't talk.
We had a deal. Ask him.

Hmm.

"Thumbing Through
the Finger Lakes With Karen Tyler.

"About the Author.

"Karen Tyler
is the award-winning author...

"of several best-selling travel guides.

"She resides in Niagara Falls,
New York, with her husband...

"noted area physician,
Dr. Darrin Tyler.

"The Tylers have three
beautiful grown children.

"Their eldest daughter, Sharon,
is a respected immigration attorney...

"and the newest partner at the law firm
of Merrifield, Hanson and Eldrich.

"Son Aaron is the youngest non-Asian...

"to win the prestigious Fulton
Scholarship for Religious Studies...

"and is currently pursuing his doctorate
in Comparative Religion.

Jaye, a daughter, is 24. "

- Uh-
- Congratulations, sweetheart.

I think this book
might be your best yet.

It's certainly the heaviest.

I love the cover art.
It's very eye-catching.

My publisher assures me
that's the case.

Jaye, aren't you going to congratulate
your mother on her achievement?

How come I only get five words
on your inner flap?

Well, it's a blurb, dear. I'm only allowed
a certain amount of words for that.

Sure used up a lot of them on Aaron.

He got 26 words. I got five.
And one of mine's a digit.

Jaye, sweetheart,
don't parse the blurb.

- Really, though.
- Easy for you to say. You got 19.

- I counted 22.
- Your brother and your sister are older than you.

They require more words
because they've lived more.

- Achieved more, you mean.
- No. They've had more opportunity to excel.

Your time will come.

We're all looking forward
to expanding your sentence.

I did actually graduate from Brown with a
philosophy degree. I might even have it somewhere.

That is true. We're nearly finished
paying for that, aren't we?

"Jaye, their youngest, holds
a philosophy degree from Brown.

And works retail. "
That's 12 more words.

- Sharon.
- "And lives in a trailer park. " That's five right there.

- All right.
- Why not? Those things are all facts. Should I be ashamed?

Ooh, ooh.

It's me.
It's the hospital.

Looks like I'm gonna have to cut out
of your celebratory dinner early. Sorry.

Nonsense. We're finished here.
You have lives to save.

I have my lunch launch tomorrow.
I need to go over my notes.

- Who's gonna give me a ride?
- I'll drop you.

I was about to head out. I gotta put in
some dissertation time tonight.

I could take him.
Hospital's right near my gym.

I wanted to get a little workout
before I prepare for court.

You take the Mercedes.
I'll go home with Aaron.

I'll probably just
hang out here and get drunk.

S- Sorry. Sorry.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Is that your family?
- Yep.

You seem depressed.

Not clinically. But my mother
published a new book...

and I only got five words
in her bio blurb.

- You got mentioned in a blurb?
- Hey.

- Oh, God, no.
- Get her words out.

- What do you care?
- Well, I think that's impressive.

It's only actually
four words and a digit.

My siblings got 51,
collectively.

- Digits?
- Words.

I didn't know your brother was on a
scholarship. Uh, you weren't though, were you?

What if I only ever rate
four words and a digit?

What if by the time my mother's next book
comes out, the sentence hasn't changed?

It will. Well, the digit will.

Or by then it'll say, "Their youngest daughter
was confined to a mental institution. "

Hmm.

I got it.

It's only Tuesday.
What's with all the busy?

Boats aren't running.
Fogged in.

Again? It's the Maid
of the Mist. Mist!

Where's Leslie? Isn't she always whining
about not getting enough hours?

- Yes. That's why she quit.
- Leslie quit?

Last summer. I need more
enviro-friendly plastic bags.

Konnichiwa.

Excuse... m-me.
I- I think this is y-yours.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.
I was looking for-

Oh, my God!
It really is mine!

I never even knew it was missing
or that I had cash.

Where'd you find it?

In your p-pocket last night.

- You stole my wallet?
- My van broke down.

I ran out of m-money.
I was d-desperate.

Did you put this
eight dollars in here?

It was all I h-had.

I felt g-g-g-g-

Get her words out.

Oh, get her words out.
Uh, guilty?

No harm done.
Is there anyone you could call?

My p-parents live in F-Florida...

but they think I'm in C-C-C-

- Carolina? Kansas?
- C-C-C-

Colorado? Kentucky?
Columbia? California?

C- California!

I told them I had a job waiting
for me there, but I d-don't.

I can't get a job because
I have a stu- a stu-

- S.T.D.?
- Stutter!

I didn't want to be a b-burden.
They have enough problems.

Dad's on an iron lu- iron-

Lung! Oh, God.

My name's B-B-B-B-

- B-
- Bianca? Barlow? Betty?

- Yeah.
- Bianca?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

Uh, anyway,
I'm really s-sorry.

Wait. I can't let you give me
your last eight dollars.

Here's five back.

Jaye Tyler, report
to customer service. Jaye Tyler.

Oh, I got you in t-t-t-trouble.

That was the most amazing
bit of folding I have ever witnessed.

Are these Gap corners?
Do you work at the galleria?

Oh, no. I'm unem-

- I'm unem-
- Get her words out.

- I'm unem-
- Uh, Bianca's between jobs right now.

Hey, we could use some help
around here, couldn't we?

This'll just be temporary until
we get your real one stitched.

- "Binky"?
- It's short for B-B-

- Get her words out.
- Yeah, I get it.

Tyler here is gonna
show you the ropes.

Don't worry about her bark.
She knows the biz.

She trained me,
and now I'm her boss.

Don't worry about the folding.
She's got that down.

Thanks for speaking up
for m-me before.

And also for not telling him
I st-stole from y-you.

So, in a way, I kind of helped you
by getting your words out?

Oh, y-yes.

Huh.

Okay.

So, can you count backwards?

Sixteen, 15 and 10 is t-twenty.

Thank you for sh-shopping
at Wonderfalls.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- Come again.

Don't encourage them.

This is fun! You sure you don't
want to take over for a bit?

Can't. Not allowed.
You're doing a really good job.

- I am?
- Mm-hmm.

It's like you've been at it your whole life
yet managed not to have your soul crushed.

M- Maybe I should d-dust the shelves.

Mm, I don't think so.

- If you do one, then we'll just have to do all of them.
- Oh.

Now there's just kind of a nice, really
thin layer, so it's not really noticeable.

Excuse me. I was told that you carry
a Niagara Falls motion lamp.

- Did you see it out there?
- No.

Then we don't have 'em.
Try Talismania across the quad.

You know,
I thought I saw...

those m-motion lamps
in the b-back.

Exactly. In the back.
Up on a high shelf.

If one of us were to fall,
it would affect workers' comp rates.

We're not only
protecting our employer...

but small businesses
everywhere.

Thanks for everything t-today.

I don't feel t-tired at all.

Well, you're a quick study.

I n-never had
a m-mentor before.

A mentor? Please. I'm five-word
blurb girl who lives in a trailer.

I live in a v-van.

What are your feelings on beer?

This is actually more work than I've done all day.

- Business slow?
- Normal.

But we finally hired
some decent help.

Eric, this is Bianca.
Bianca and I will both have a beer.

Yes, p-please.

Comin' up.

He's c-c-c- He's c-c-

- He's-
- Cute.

Yeah.

Anything else?

I'll let you know.

Okay, that was just tricky.

Thank you for shopping
at Wonderfalls.

That was perfect.

Polite but detached, right?

No. Well, yeah, actually.
Your technique was spot-on.

You got through that
whole sentence without-

Hey, say
"polite but detached" again.

Polite but detached.

Bianca, I thought I asked you
to fold these T-shirts.

Some people
messed them up again.

Jaye, can I see you
for a minute?

Excuse me. Hi. I bought
this yesterday, and it doesn't work.

So I need to exchange it. But before I leave,
I need to make sure the new one works-

- What did you do to her?
- I think I may have cured her.

Of what? Her work ethic? I entrusted you
to teach her, not pass on your bad habits.

- Whatever.
- I should've trained her myself.

- Why didn't you? - You saw how nervous
she gets around me. She barely ta-

This one works.

That is the most frightening
thing I have ever heard.

- What? It was a rubber dart.
- Shot into a real eye!

He's fine. Except for the detached retina.
We all got to leave early.

Don't you find it odd
that this girl...

is willing to blithely carry out
acts of violence on your behalf?

She's like your own
personal Heinrich Himmler.

There were no orders
to hurt or maim.

Bianca's a free agent.
And she's fun.

You should come out with us.
I thought we could take her clubbing.

- Baby seals?
- You're overreacting.

You'd like her
if you gave her a chance.

"Can you hear the seals,
Clarice? They're screaming. "

Oh, shut up.

She's sweet.
And perfectly normal.

Sorry I'm late.
Thanks for covering for...

- Hey.
- ... me.

- What?
- Your hair.

It's my natural color.
So what?

What's that scorched smell?
Did you iron it?

- It's hair. Stop twitching.
- It's my hair.

- "Whichever. "
- Whatever.

The word is "whatever. "

- Did you just write that down?
- No.

Look, Bianca. I appreciate
that imitation...

is the sincerest form of flattery,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

but I go out of my way
to cultivate a unique look and persona...

and, um, so should you.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Morning, Tyler.
- Morning.

You let him think
you were me.

He only has one good eye. You want me
to make him feel b-bad about it?

Get her words out.

- Morning, sweetheart.
- Morning, Dad.

I mean, you're not my dad.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were my daughter.

Hello, sweetheart.

Now would be a good time
to restock those motion lamps.

Whatever.

Hey, guess what. Thumbing Through the
Finger Lakes is going into a second printing.

- It sold out on Amazon. com.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good for Mom.

Good for you. Your mother's
publisher is redoing the dust jacket.

Sharon and Aaron have agreed
to give up five words each...

which means you get 10 more.

- That's 15 total.
- So, what is it gonna say?

Whatever you want it to say.

You want me to write
my own blurb?

Sharon wrote hers.

Oh, come on. Come on.
It'll be fun.

Let those 15 words
show the world...

just what kind of unique,
one-of-a-kind daughter I have.

Did you sic Binky on your mother
so you'd get more words?

- No. In this instance, I believe guilt was my friend.
- Oh.

Actually more like my "frenemy," 'cause now
I feel guilty over getting what I wanted.

Then don't take the extra words.

I don't feel that guilty.

Oh, look. Here c-comes
c- crazy. Hi, crazy.

Oh, my God. She's wearing
your work vest and- Oh, God!

She looks just like you.
And you said she was normal.

Hi. You're wearing my vest.
That's my name.

I spilled coffee on mine, so-

Either way, you're wearing
a Wonderfalls vest. In public?

I was in a hurry to leave.

Mouth-breather was sucking
the life out of me.

You'd think nearly losing an eye
would make him sympathetic.

- Can I have one of those?
- Uh, sure.

Oh, my God. She's like
a Jaye Tyler cover band.

Oh, God, I'm sore.
I've been sleeping in a van too long.

Would you pop my back for me?

Uh, sure.

You do realize he's not
a licensed chiropractor.

He could very easily
paralyze you.

Now, uh, exhale.

- Hold it for a sec.
- All right.

- Perfect.
- I think maybe you're the cover band.

She's a better you than you are.

She didn't even have to giggle
or toss her hair.

Also, she's not stutterin'.

Yeah. I noticed.

At first I thought I was helping her,
but now I'm not so sure.

I think what she needs
more than a friend is her family.

She's a runaway. Her parents
are probably worried sick.

They think she's on her way to California,
but this isn't California.

- What do you want me to do about it?
- Well, I need a contact number.

I have to tell them where their
daughter is, so they can come get her.

Her name is Bianca Knowles, so we're looking
for a Mr. and Mrs. Knowles in Florida.

They'll be so grateful.

Why are you doing this?
Is there a reward?

I'm trying to reunite a family.
That's reward enough.

Does this girl
even want a reunion?

Her parents could be carnies.

Or maybe she's like you, and she
does not enjoy her family's company.

I enjoy your company.

I just prefer my family time
in short, controlled bursts.

Hello?

- We need to upgrade the Bianca alert to orange.
- She's still there?

Mm-hmm.
And she's sitting on your stool.

Oh, there are just so many things
wrong about that sentence.

- What is she doing?
- Pumping Eric.

- On my stool?
- For information about you.

She's all up in his grille, trying to
suck out any details about you.

- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

And he's like one batted eyelash away
from giving up your Social Security number.

Eric won't fall for her shtick.

Oh, he is goin' down.
This girl is so his type.

Jaye, she's you!

You think I'm his type?

You better get down here.

You're coming with me.

And try to look threatening.
More than usual.

- There you go.
- Oh, okay.

Uh, Jaye-

- Just go like this?
- Yeah, that's right.

- What's he popping now?
- Jaye!

Eric was just telling me
how much you liked billiards.

I mentioned
I never played, so-

Yeah, well, you're done playing,
whatever your game is!

Is this the girl from Florida?
She looks familiar.

- Because she's me!
- I'm s-sorry.

I was j-just trying
to b-be your f-friend.

Well, there are laws
against stalking.

And my sister,
a very successful lawyer...

will see to it that your pale imitation
of my a*s lands in jail.

Buh-Buh-

Buh-Buh-Buh-bye.

Okay, that was totally uncalled for.

What? That was totally called for.

You're the one who called for it.

Yeah. Um, I tried to call you back.

Binky was just asking questions 'cause she wanted
to help write your blurb for the book jacket.

"Daughter Jaye, a philosopher,
resides in Niagara Falls...

where she inspires with effortless,
undemanding style. "

Aw, a runaway wrote that?

Wow. It's poignant.

I better go check on her.

Who writes poignant and incisive blurbs
about people they hardly know?

She must be nuts
if she thinks you inspire.

With effortless
and undemanding style.

Oh, look at that.
You've inspired me to walk to my car.

And now you've
inspired me to leave.

Oh, my-

You've ruined everything.

I know karate!

You may have all my friends
snookered, but not me.

You're like that girl
in that movie...

who wanted to be that other girl
so much that she k*lled for it!

- Grease?
- Single White Female!

- No. I'm st-st-
- Stalking me?

- I'm st-st-
- Stabbing me?

- St-St-
- Stealing my organs after you stab me?

- St-St- - Stitching a skin
suit out of my dead corpse...

after you stab me
and steal my organs?

I'm studying you!

Wh-Wha-

You're an investigative
journalist?

I'm wr-writing a st-story
on disaffected 20-somethings.

For who?
Total Makeover magazine?

T- Today's Am-merica.

I th-thought if I became more like you,
I'd understand you better.

I- I really wanted
to get inside your head.

You're not in my head.
You just have my hair.

And why the phony stutter? Some people
might think it's offensive and not just funny.

It's n-not ph-phony!

It becomes more pronounced
when I'm under str-stress!

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm not buying
the whole Mrs. Doubtfire thing.

It's tr-true!
I- I can p-prove it.

It's all my correspondence
with my editor.

The last f-few
are a little angry.

He keeps w-wanting me
to s-send something...

but I c-can't seem
to get st-started.

"Regarding your article
on Gen-Y losers-"

Losers? You're writing
an article on how I'm a loser?

N- N-No.

It's really about w-winners...

who haven't w-won.

Yet. Or ever.

- I'm a nonwinner.
- B-But by choice.

You're the prototypical
Gen Y-er.

You represent a generation
of y-y-young people...

who have been bl-blessed
with education and opportunity...

who don't just fall through
the cracks but j-jump through.

I'm not a crack jumper, lady.

Ah, the w-w-witty wordplay,
the Ivy League irony.

How do you know what league
my irony is?

Were you stalking me at Brown?
Are you the girl who stole my meal card?

I was a fr-freshman
when you were a senior.

I found you when I did
a cross-sample of graduates...

who failed to contribute to
society in any significant way.

Th-That's not a j-judgment.
You're a victim of the system.

So it's an article about me?

You as a m-m-metaphor.

But about me.
How many words?

- Five thousand.
- Awesome.

Yeah, would've been. But now the subject
is aware of my presence. My study is tainted.

Uh, does that mean I'm
not getting my 5,000 words?

There's not g-gonna be
any wo-wo-wo-

- Get her words.
- I'm way ahead of you.

Bianca, you can't quit now.

People need to know
what it's like to be me...

and that's gonna take words.

Your words.
About 5,000 of 'em.

You need to get them out...

and I'm gonna help you do it.

H- How?

By offering you
an all-access pass...

to the life
of the prototypical Gen Y-er.

- Anything you want to know.
- Full disclosure?

I'll let you jump
right into my cracks.

While their lives
may appear aimless and desultory...

there's nothing random about the choices
the Gen-Y nonwinner makes.

Everything they do
is for a single purpose.:

to avoid engaging
with the world around them.

- Hey, who has a map?
- So, why retail?

Doesn't customer service
force you to interact with the public?

Not necessarily.
Wonderfalls caters to tourists.

Tourists are either coming or going.
They're not fixtures.

So you're never in any real danger
of developing a rapport with them.

Subject is reluctant to make
eye contact with children or the elderly.

So a place like this allows you
to remain inward and uninvolved?

- Huh.
- In theory.

Subject routinely
affects slight slouch and subtle sneer...

which seems designed
to repel others.

A combination of body
language and 'tude...

can create a kind of invisible
protective barrier...

like rap music or that bubble
car the Pope drives around in.

Interesting.
What about friends?

You want to choose people who aren't
much more motivated than you are.

But don't surround yourself
with total narcissists.

Otherwise, things start to be
about something other than you.

So do you think your life is a reaction
against the choices your family's made?

- You're not the first to suggest that.
- Like living in this trailer.

Well, it's affordable, and the park has a
guy that empties the refuse tank for free.

Oh, but it is
so much more than that.

If you mean it looks a little like
Jeannie's bottle, I get that a lot.

Your home is a trailer.

Don't you see the beautiful
poetry in that?

It's a thing that's been
designed to go someplace...

and yet the hitch
isn't hooked up to anything.

So it just sits here, never
living up to its potential...

but never in any danger
of breaking down either.

You're sure not having any trouble
getting your words out tonight.

You have really managed
to create a stressless...

expectation-free
zone for yourself.

Wow. I'm like a genius.

So, are we almost done?

'Cause surprisingly, I'm getting
tired of talking about myself.

I think I have
everything I need.

Oh, crap!

You're an hour late.

My alarm didn't go off.
Where's my time card?

Right here.

Aren't those Bianca's notes?

Yes. I found them
by the register this morning.

Imagine my shock
when I discovered...

the two of you weren't
doing inventory yesterday.

Oh. Yeah.
I'm still training her.

She already
admitted everything.

Well, I don't know
what she said...

but she's not
an investigative journalist.

Her study's not tainted.

She told me how you had her following you
around, writing everything you said...

documenting life at Wonderfalls
for future generations.

- Oh, right. That.
- She's very naive.

She actually believed you when
you said there was a time capsule...

under the Maid of the Mist fountain.

Well, you know, some people
will swallow just about anything.

Huh. Even if there was a time capsule,
which I seriously doubt...

the Wonderfalls document
would not be all about you.

- Did I say that?
- You said a lot of things.

This part here where you
call me a... mouth-breather.

- That's my favorite.
- That was taken out of context.

And just so you know,
I have a deviated septum...

and I have to wait three more years
for my cartilage to stop growing...

before I can have the surgery.

Well... three years, huh?

So, in addition to lying...

you've used Wonderfalls merchandise
and Wonderfalls resources...

namely Bianca,
without authorization.

Look. If you wanna write me up,
I'll totally understand.

There won't be any need for that.

I already spoke to Peggy.

She gave me permission
to fire you.

I'll need you to clean out your locker
and hand in your vest.

I hope this doesn't
affect our friendship.

- I got fired.
- Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Sharon and Aaron
can have their words back.

I won't be needing them.
Ever, apparently.

Nonsense. You're gonna make
good use of those words.

Think of this
as an opportunity.

"Dubya" failed the first
time he ran for Congress.

Look how far he got.
President of the United States.

You don't seem terribly
surprised that I got fired.

What's she doing here?

It was my fault you got fired.

I wanted to make sure
your family knew that.

Binky feels horrible,
sweetheart.

You should hear her out.

And see the way she's got her hair
pulled back? You might try that.

Darrin, come on.
Let's let the girls chat.

I'm sorry you got fired.

Well, what happened? How'd
the mouth-breather find your notes?

I guess I kind of left them out.

Forget it. Just finish your article so we
can tell the mouth-breather everything...

and I'll get my job back.

Um, I can't really do that.

You can't do what?

Any of it. Starting with writing
that article. I can't do it.

What? Of course you can. You have to
get your words out. Remember?

No, I c-can't.
It's too much p-pressure. See?

Bianca.

Binky, this is a huge
opportunity for you.

You can't just pass it up.

I used to think that too.
But I can pass it up.

I'm going to.

Jaye, all my life I've had
this horrible st-st-stutter...

because I can't get
st-started... on anything.

And now I never have to.

- Of course you have to.
- No.

You've shown me a new way.

I can live in a pressure-less,
expectation-free zone.

That's my zone.
You're parked in my zone.

And it's the only place
I'll ever be able to breathe.

You didn't stutter at all
when you were getting me to sing.

You planned this.

- You suck!
- You suck!

You suck!

- Whatever!
- Whatever!

Whatever!

Oh, hello.

That's the runaway.

Mmm. Pizza's here. Girls, it's
pizza night. I hope you're staying.

Thank you, Mrs. Tyler.
I'd love to stay.

This is wonderful. Thank you.

It's been a while since I've had
a family supper at a kitchen table.

Normally we're in the dining room
when we have guests...

but we do enjoy
pizza night in the kitchen.

- Every Tuesday.
- It's kind of a tradition.

Oh, it's lovely to see a family
who still honors the old values.

- Where's your family, Binky?
- Oh, I don't really have anyone.

My parents both passed away
when I was very young.

I was raised in foster homes.
Nothing as nice as this.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- No wonder you ran away.

As I grew older, I sought answers
in various world religions.

I guess I'm still seeking.

I think that kind of a journey
is an ongoing one.

Aaron is studying
comparative religion.

He's working toward
a doctoral degree.

Two doctors in the house!

One to heal the body,
and one the spirit.

I'm a lawyer!

This is the kind of family
I dream about having someday.

All you need to do
is find the right partner.

Bianca's a single white female.

There is a certain bartender...

I kind of have my eye on.

- You don't have to do that.
- Oh, I don't mind.

- Yeah, but I do.
- But I want to.

It's my job to clear
on pizza night.

You never come to pizza night.

Now, it's okay, sweetheart.
It's okay. Never mind. You-

You lost your job today.
You're upset. We understand.

We really do.

You are not part
of the collective "we," okay?

And you don't understand.
She's-

She's an investigative
journalist!

Oh, how marvelous.
Who do you write for?

- What's she investigating?
- Me. She's investigating me.

Is it a criminal investigation?

She's writing an article
about my life...

so the whole world can see
what a loser I'm not.

Five thousand words
about me.

Oh, this is my fault.

Jaye, I thought you knew
I was kidding.

She's upset because she only got
five words in Karen's blurb.

I told her I was gonna get a job
on a major magazine and get her 5,000.

But, Jaye, I'm just a retail clerk.

Like you...

used to be.

I was an idiot!

Can't believe I let her
get that close.

Yeah, you don't usually do that, do you?
Let people get too close.

Depends on the person.

I was tricked. I never
should have listened to-

Should've tossed her out
on her bu-bu-butt.

Would you have been able
to do that?

Generally, it wouldn't
really be a problem for me.

So you must have seen
something in her.

Ironically, I think maybe
I saw a little of myself.

But that was before
she actually became me.

- She's not you.
- She's not?

No. I mean, she's trying to be you.
But can you really blame her?

Blame her?
Diagnose her, maybe.

I mean, my crappy life?
Lousy job I hate.

Well-meaning but- let's just say it-
overbearing parents.

Disapproving sister.
A brother who lives at home...

but is still considered
more successful than I am.

Which could be because
I live in a trailer that...

while it may look like Jeannie's bottle,
is actually slightly smaller.

And a barstool that, frankly,
kind of leaves a welt.

Who'd choose that?

Hell, who'd even want
to read about it?

I would.

You would?

And if there were pictures,
I'd buy two copies.

Hey. Get her words out.

You just-

You want to know about Gen "Y"?
I'll tell you about Gen "Y."

Jaye, you shouldn't be here.

Mouth-breather told me if I see you,
I should call security.

You might want to call
your agent first.

What's that?

Today's America magazine's
acceptance letter.

- They're printing your article.
- What?

"Ms. Knowles, this is to inform you
that your riveting piece...

portraying Gen-Y underachievers
has been accepted for publication. "

- This is a fake.
- No, you're the fake. The letter's real.

Oh, my God!
You wrote the article?

And put your name on it.

Look, Bianca, this isn't you.

And I'm a little horrified
to think it might actually be me.

The point is,
you don't belong here.

And at least
for the time being, I do.

Which is why you're gonna call
Today's America magazine...

and get on with your life
and let me have mine back.

- But I c-c-
- Can.

You said your trouble was
you couldn't get started.

Well, now you don't have to.
I got it started for you.

- But I didn't earn this.
- Exactly.

Which makes you the real expert.

You're gonna take credit
for something you didn't do.

You don't get any more
Gen "Y" than that.

See? You really are a slacker.

Thank you.

Leave. Wait.

Tyler,
what are you doing here?

Tell him.

Um, yeah. Listen.

I'm actually
an investigative journalist.

I've written a piece
for Today's America magazine...

which I think is likely
to be the definitive piece...

on the disaffected


I think that's fair.

I quit. Bye.

She left.

And the boats aren't running.

Hi. Welcome to Wonderfalls.
Did you find what you were looking for?

Yep. Found everything.

"Like the falls of Niagara...

"which rage at the center
of her little town...

"some powerful force forever threatens
to sweep Jen into roiling chaos.

"It is a force
against which she struggles...

"a power she cannot name.

"Whether it is the undertow
of contemporary life...

"or something more ancient,
life as it has always been...

"Jen will continue to struggle,
to thrash and fight...

"yet in her most personal,
unguarded moments...

"she will speak of a calm pool...

"a place where the waters become
still and the chaos abates...

"a place where a father's wisdom...

"a mother's compassion...

"a brother's protection...

"and a sister, 35...

all combine to show Jen
she is not alone. "

Aw, sweetheart,
of course you're not.

I am not 35!

And you're not a l*sbian either, but you can't
expect her to get every detail exactly perfect.

- It-It doesn't say that.
- Well, it was implied.

Your friend Bianca has
a lovely, crisp prose style.

- What a talented girl.
- I hope we see her again.

I doubt it.

I was hoping we could have her
over Thursday for game night.

- Maybe Jaye will join us.
- Yeah, you should come for once.

I'm busy.

Oh, um, the prose probably
isn't as lovely and crisp...

but I finally figured out
my 15 words.

Hope it's okay.

"Daughter Jaye
lives in Niagara Falls.

Her blurb and life
are a work in progress. "

Get the ball, Bud!