01x05 - Crime Dog

[bunniefuu]

- Previously, on Wonderfalls.
- My crappy life?

Well-meaning, but let's just say it,
overbearing parents.

- Mom.
- You're going to my reunion.

Of course you are.
Why wouldn't you?

- Disapproving sister.
- You tell people we're not related.

- It was just that one time!
- A brother who lives at home...

but is still considered
more successful than I am.

Hey. Get off your a*s.

You just... shut up!

I'll give you 50 bucks
if you let me smoke in here.

It's a $100 fine.

Your sister- ever do
anything like this before?

This is her fourth arrest.
Three prior for disorderly conduct.

Mm-hmm.

- I see she likes to hit people.
- She's scrappy.

These scrappy types commonly
keep people in their trunks?

I admit, that's odd.

Hello?

I'm not sure how this precinct interrogates
people, but generally, it's Q&A.

Does anybody
want to talk to me?

Hey, doll.

- I'll talk to you.
- Oh, please don't!

If I go to jail, I'll rat your a*s out
faster than you can say, "Boo. "

- They'll think you're crazy.
- I don't care. I'm telling them.

- Then do it.
- I will.

- Fine.
- Fine!

Hello, Jaye. I'm Officer Hale.

- Hi.
- Go ahead, tell her.

Got yourself
into some trouble.

Yeah.

- Again.
- Yeah.

- Help me help you.
- What?

I want to help you.
Tell me how to do it.

Uh, release me?

And do you think that's funny?

I wasn't speaking rhetorically. I said,
"Do you think that's funny?"

- No.
- You broke the law, b*tch.

And you presume to come in here and
waste my time by being funny? Who the f-

Because I can arrange to kick your a*s!

Now, I didn't like that
any more than you did.

I don't enjoy raising
my voice to people.

I enjoy respecting people.

I enjoy communicating
with people.

We gonna be able
to communicate, Jaye?

- Yes.
- Good.

That makes me happy.

- You don't have anything to hide, do you?
- Nuh-uh.

And you don't feel
you need a lawyer or-

- Uh-
- Good! So let's communicate.

Tell me about the last time you saw
your family's housekeeper.

Before she turned up
in your trunk.

You might want to
hold that at the bottom.

There's no reason for you
to be talking.

So shut your little mouth.
Just shut it!

Only trying to help.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Sorry, I'm-
I'm P.M.S.-ing.

That'll do it.

Jaye! Wait a minute!
Hold the door! Hold the door!

- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hi.

- Bonjour.
- Bonjour, Yvette.

- Sit, I make you a pancake.
- They're very good. She put figs in the batter.

No thanks. Wish I could,
but here's my laundry.

Oh, sit down and
have some breakfast.

- I can't.
- Always in such a rush. Never stay more than five minutes.

I'm beginning to think you're trying to
avoid spending time with your family.

Uh, no. I just don't want
to be late for work. That's it.

The store doesn't open
for another hour.

I admire your work ethic.

That boy who runs things?
What's his name?

- Mouth-breather?
- Well, he said there's room for improvement...

but he's generally been very happy
with your performance.

Why are you talking to the mouth-breather
about my performance?

I called you at work.
He answered the phone.

- Seemed rude not to have a conversation.
- Of course it did.

Sweetheart, Dr. Ron asked about you the other
day. You really should go back and see him.

Avoiding your little stress
issue won't make it go away.

It will, if we stop
talking about it.

Chérie, you look too pale.
Have a pancake.

- I don't want a pancake.
- Moo!

Have a pancake.

I don't want a pancake.

- Then have some fruit.
- Just file the motion. I will call you back.

- Mother? A word?
- Aren't you supposed to be in court?

Yes, but now I'm here.
A word!

- Thank you for breakfast, Yvette.
- Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Tyler.

- I hope one day you can join us, sweetheart.
- I don't want a pancake.

I don't want a pancake.
I don't want a pancake.

I don't want a pancake!

Yvette, can you
make me a pancake?

I'll make sure yours gets
lots of figs in it.

Were you just talking
to the cow creamer?

No.

'Cause it looked like you were.

- Well, I wasn't.
- Mm-hmm.

- My God, how could you let this happen?
- It's not my fault.

- Oh, my God!
- Yvette, stop what you're doing.

You need to go with Sharon now.
Her toilet's flooded. It's an emergency.

By emergency, do you mean
there's poop everywhere?

Yes, Aaron. There's poop everywhere.
Come on, let's go!

- I've only just poured the batter.
- I'm supposed to have a pancake.

She should eat. You worry
about her being thin.

- Does she have time for a pancake?
- No!

No time for a pancake,
sweetheart.

Good morning, sir.
I'm Officer Donikian.

- I'm with the B.C.I.S.
- Oh! You must be looking for Sharon.

She's in the kitchen. Go right on in.
I'm late for a colecystectomy.

Not mine.
Somebody else's.

Keep up the good work.

Just let her have a pancake.
The poop's not goin' anywhere.

Now, Yvette!
We have to go now!

- It's almost finished! Look, bubbles.
- Yeah. Mother, why?

Morning.
I'm Officer Donikian.

This is Officer Arnold.
We're with the B.C.I.S.

- Who?
- The Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services.

- Who?
- The I.N.S.

- Oh.
- We're looking for Yvette LaJimodiere.

- She's not here.
- I'm Yvette LaJimodiere.

Ms. LaJimodiere, we have a warrant
for your deportation.

I was hopin' this was one of
those odorless, cocaine cows.

I've never seen
one of them before.

- Sorry.
- So.

- What's with the cow?
- I like cows.

They're docile,
and keep to themselves.

- Most of the time.
- Mm-hmm.

Any reason you're fond
of this particular cow?

My sister sort of responded to it.

She doesn't...
respond to other cows?

Not like this.

Ew. Get it off!

Is this triggering recovered
memories or somethin'?

No. No! It's just it's-

It's dirty. And there are already
too many things here with faces.

You're bein' weird.
Why are you bein' weird?

Are your pupils dilated?

I expect the entitled invasion of privacy
from Mom and Dad and what's-her-name...

but not from you.

This is not an isolated incident.
The last time you were at the house...

you got mad at those little
pig-shaped salt-and-pepper shakers.

Is this about farm animals,
or is it about condiments?

- Lay off the pipe.
- No, no, no.

Strange men come into our house, like those
h*m* who do makeovers, and just-

Just took Yvette.
They took her.

- And you didn't even blink!
- I blinked. I blinked plenty!

I'm sad Yvette got deported.
She cooked and did things.

- She practically raised us.
- I said I was sad. I'm gonna miss her.

- I miss her already.
- Moo.

- Bring her home.
- You're doin' it again.

No, I'm not.
I mean, doing what?

Bring her home. Bring her home.
Bring her home. Bring her home.

- I'm just gonna put that in the bag.
- Bring her home.

- Why? Is it talking to you?
- Would you listen to yourself?

- Bring her home. Bring her home!
- So!

- What are you gonna do?
- What do you mean, what am I gonna do?

Well, you have to bring Yvette home.
She practically raised us.

- You should do something.
- Bring her home.

Hey, why don't you
talk to Sharon?

She's an immigration attorney, for God's sakes.
She might surprise us all and be useful.

Come on! Who do you think
got Yvette deported?

What?

We have sent a message
to our ill*gal population...

that our immigration laws
cannot be ignored.

However, I assure you that
no one's rights have been violated.

I'd just like to add that the United States
has a generous program...

for legal immigration, to which all aspiring
Americans are welcome to avail themselves.

You're a horrible, horrible person.

Yvette practically raised you.

I didn't even know
she was ill*gal till this morning.

She's been living here
on an expired visa since 1982.

That's the summer she took me
to see E. T. and told me I had boobs.

You must be kickin' yourself. You could
have got her deported a long time ago.

I could have gotten
her citizenship, you a*s!

This is not my fault.
It's not like I reported her.

- She was on a list.
- So it's her fault she lied and got caught.

If we're being
brutally honest, then yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

They deported two busboys
and a dishwasher.

They took our housekeeper.
Did you meet my sister, Sharon?

- This is all her fault.
- Nice to meet you.

I saw you on the news.

You're a horrible person.

- Oh, and, uh, thanks.
- You're welcome.

- See? Everybody blames you.
- So strange. Because I blame you.

Is that a fact?

You needed to have that pancake? Was it
worth it? Was it the best pancake ever?

- I hope so.
- This is not about breakfast food.

It is about breakfast food. I was trying
to get Yvette out of the house...

but you had to have
that pancake!

Yeah, you were really weird
with that whole pancake thing.

Can't you just fix it? You know, like before
they ship her off to Mexico or whatever?

I tried.
She's gone.

They are putting her on a bus.
They are kicking her out of the country.

- And they are not letting her back.
- Crap.

It was the pancake.

Stupid cow.

Selfish b*tch.

I love them. I do.

But they can be mean-spirited.

I wouldn't say they were mean people,
but they can be mean-spirited.

They used to ignore me for hours.

Wh-When we were much younger.

If they did that to me now,
I'd- I'd leave the room.

You think the way this went-
what it evolved into-

might have been
a personal attack on you?

No.

God, no. The thing I've learned
about Aaron and Jaye...

is that it's-
it's never about me.

- Ever.
- It's like I'm listenin' to my own life story.

- I got a couple of sisters-
- Except right now.

Right now, it is about me.

I did everything in my power,
short of breaking the law...

to keep Yvette in this country.

- That fine's not per cigarette, is it?
- Nah.

You know, I put my a*s
on the line.

And that wasn't
good enough for them.

No, Mike. It wasn't.

And now, she's in some
serious trouble.

Yeah. Real serious.

She could go down for this.

How far down?

This is a mistake! You were at
the naturalization ceremony...

when Yvette took
the Pledge of Allegiance.

She's as American
as any of us!

There was no naturalization ceremony.
She failed that little U.S.A. test three times.

- What are you talking about?
- She's not American. She's French-Canadian.

At least, that's
the same continent.

- And how long have you known this?
- A while.

Since we hired her.

So you've been lying to your entire family
about this for 20 years?

I haven't been lying the whole time.
There was that initial lie...

and then I never bothered to tell you
the truth- I am not proud of it.

I knew she should have gone
to that citizenship class.

I couldn't have her in school all day.
There were things that needed to be done.

- I'm just sick about this.
- Well, how do you think I feel?

- Like a liar, I would imagine.
- This is why...

I was afraid to tell you-
I knew you'd be upset.

Do you know how embarrassing
this is for Sharon?

She looks like an a*s.

I look like an a*s.
I play golf with politicians...

who feel very strongly
about this issue.

- We employed an ill*gal alien!
- Oh, don't be such a drama queen.

- Can't you just make a phone call?
- No!

No, I can't just make a phone call.
This is not some victimless crime.

The money you've been paying
to Yvette could have gone...

to an American minority worker or someone
who doesn't have a high school diploma.

But we didn't like those minority workers.
We liked Yvette.

- She's the one that we invited into our home.
- And then told her to clean it.

Sorry.

It's just very, very sad.
I am very sad.

Sharon, go talk to your father.
You're his favorite.

- I thought I was his favorite.
- We don't have favorites.

Can't we just go get her
and smuggle her back?

It is only Canada.

Your father would
have an aneurysm.

So we just stick her in a storage unit,
with a mini-fridge...

and a Porto-potty,
until he cools off.

Or a hotel. The important
thing is we bring her home.

That's what we need to do.
That's our goal.

I realize that, sweetheart, but-

I'll give you all the cash
I have in my purse.

He's very upset.

- I'm making tea.
- Let me help you.

So, that bus Yvette is on.
Where do you suppose that's going?

I remember one time Yvette
saying she was from Canada...

but I sort of stopped
listening after that.

I guess she was really poor, and, uh, lived
very much "like my little chérie, Miss Jaye. "

Stop it.
She did not say that.

You know she did. She was
an only child, and had no friends...

and when she was 16, a baby Jesus
ornament ignited the Christmas tree...

and burned
the entire house down.

Her parents died in the fire.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Why does
everything have to be so dramatic?

I know. Right?

- I'll get it.
- Can you imagine if the baby Jesus k*lled Mom and Dad?

- God, that'd suck.
- Yeah.

I'd be devastated. My life
would never be the same.

- Yeah.
- And you know Sharon's gonna throw herself on Dad's coffin...

- when it goes into the ground.
- Yep.

You know, somehow, I don't
think the folks' dying...

is gonna have that big
an impact on your life.

- What?
- You're not gonna be throwin' yourself on anyone's coffin.

- That doesn't make me a bad person.
- Not at all.

But you are insulated. You wear
your trailer park, hillbilly lifestyle...

around your neck
like a ring of garlic.

Are you trying to ward us off?

Mom and Dad have
no concept of boundaries.

I'm sorry, but they drive me crazy with
their constant interest about everything.

You do know she goes through
your stuff all the time.

Like all the time.
How can you stand living there?

Well, it helps that
I don't pay rent.

Well, you're turning into them.

You're turning into Mom and Dad,
with your constant interest.

I'm not interested.
I'm concerned.

Well, can't you just
keep it to yourself?

I thought you and I had
an unspoken agreement...

never to get into each
other's business uninvited.

- I never said that.
- That's why it's unspoken, dumbass.

Okay. Well.
If you won't talk to me...

will you talk to this?

- You're scarin' me.
- Oh, boo-hoo.

- Because I don't like your stupid cow creamer?
- Because you won't talk to me!

Hey, how's it goin'?

Good. How, um, how are you?

Oh, just nifty, eh?
Is there a problem?

Are you having second thoughts
about visiting our little country?

- No, no. We're just, uh-
- We're just, uh, looking for our passports.

- Is that them there?
- Oh!

- Look at that.
- Snake woulda bit ya, eh?

- It sure would.
- Well, if you like, you can pull on forward there...

- and I'll see to it that you're taken care of.
- Great!

Passports, please!

Thank you.

- Business or pleasure?
- Pleasure?

When an agent of a sovereign
nation asks you these questions...

you're instructed
to answer truthfully.

It's the law. Do you think
you're above the law, Jaye?

Not really. I mean,
I got arrested, didn't I?

- Did you just give me tone?
- Nope. There was no tone.

You entered a foreign country under false
pretenses with the intent to commit a crime.

I actually haven't admitted that,
so you can't put that down.

But you do admit that
you were driving the vehicle.

And the vehicle you were driving was yours.
And at no time during your stay...

with our neighbors to the north
did someone else drive your vehicle.

- Can I put that down?
- Sure.

Jaye! No sign of her.

The woman at the ticket counter
said the bus from Buffalo...

dropped everyone off
two hours ago.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Guy just blew his nose
on the ground.

- I thought Canadians were supposed to be clean.
- Just don't make eye contact.

- So, what do we do now?
- I guess we work our way up and down the streets.

Canvassing the 'hood.
We look for hotels, motels-

all-night diners,
women's shelters-

- anyplace she might seek-
- Oh, there she is!

- Yvette!
- Children!

- But what are you doing here?
- We came to take you home.

- I have not a home.
- 'Course you have a home.

And it's getting dirtier by the minute
without you. We should go.

The import officials have taken
from me my passport.

- Ah, you don't need that.
- They will send me to jail. They told me this.

Only if you get caught.
Which you won't.

'Cause you'll be
in the trunk. See?

We got pillows
and a blanket in there.

Ahh!
Your teddy bear blankie!

They're Ewoks.

This is a most beautiful kindness,
but it is too dangerous.

- No, it's fine! I tested it.
- Not this danger, chérie.

The danger is to your family.
To your parents. To your sister, no?

Mom wants you back.
Dad will get over it, and Sharon-

- Sharon's a b*tch.
- I don't want to hear these words from your mouth to your sister.

- Yes, Yvette.
- She has a good heart.

That maybe beats too fast.

Please, give to your father this.
It is my key. Also, a birthday card.

You give it to him.
On his birthday. In eight months.

I know when is his birthday!

It was all they had
at the bus station.

I had to say good-bye.
And I'm sorry. Please. Take it.

Fine. But we're not leaving
you in this bus station.

A hundred and forty-four dollars.
That's everything Mom gave us.

One hundred and forty-four U.S.

It will go further here.
I will have a very nice room.

- Do you have your A.T.M. card?
- I just use it to clean my nails.

- I don't actually have any money.
- You have to have some.

- Uh, I actually pay rent.
- Children, please.

- Don't fight.
- Moo!

- Bring her home.
- I can't. She won't let me.

- She won't let you what?
- Nothing.

You weren't even
talking to us, were you?

Does your mother know
you took her creamer?

- Right on red.
- What?

Right on red. Right on red.

Right on red. Right on red!

- Right on red. Moo!
- What are you doing?

- I don't know!
- It's one way!

- I know! I know!
- It's one way!

Jaye, what are you doing?

Jaye! Hold it! What are you-

- Oh, my God!
- Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.

Ah! Is anyone hurt?

- Are you all right?
- We're fine.

Sorry about your yard.

My God. My God,
I don't believe it.

Hello, Mother.

"Bring her home. "

No way!

- My God.
- Dad.

My daughter.

I thought they were
supposed to be dirt-poor.

- These people aren't even French.
- Or dead.

I can't believe it's you.
Cindy.

Cindy? Why, she's just
a great, big liar.

- Awesome.
- You knew about this.

- What? No.
- You expect me to believe we just ended up...

on Yvette's dead parents'- weren't-
really-dead lawn just by chance?

I honestly don't care
what you believe.

Well, of course I care
what you believe.

So, anyway-

You've come home.

You should have told us. We would
have understood why you ran away.

- She ran away?
- You were pregnant.

I'm your grandfather, Fred.
And this is your grandmother, Helen.

Call me "Nanoo" Helen.

- I don't wish to.
- Mom, Dad.

Jaye and Aaron aren't my children.

So, you employ
my daughter, do you?

She works for our parents.

I see.

She's more a member of
the family than anything else.

I'm the Tylers' housekeeper, Dad.

- But she practically raised us.
- That's not true. Your parents raised you.

- Don't ever think otherwise.
- Well, that's good.

If their family can afford
a live-in housekeeper...

they certainly will have no trouble
paying for the damage done to the lawn.

Thank you, Yvette.

I'm sorry we don't have
anything proper to serve you.

It's fine. We're fine.

- Yeah. These are great.
- If you had called-

It was a spur
of the moment thing.

- After 20 years, a phone call-
- You're right. Should have called.

I'm sorry. Let's do it again another time
when it's more convenient.

These kids have a long drive,
but it's late.

- Uh, children, let's go.
- Yes, leave. That's what you do best.

How would you know
what I do best?

- You don't know a thing about me.
- How could we?

In 20 years, we received
half-a-dozen postcards.

Which is more than I received from you
in all the time I was under this roof.

Mm. Moist.

- We gave you everything.
- Everything except what I needed, which was you.

What was the word I spelled to win
the fifth grade spelling bee?

Of course, you can't be
expected to remember...

something you never knew.

- 'Cause you weren't there.
- Do you have any idea what you put us through?

What I put you through?

I wasn't gone two hours, and these children
came to another country to find me.

But you?

I spent four months
in a local youth hostel...

praying you'd find me.

- Did you even bother to call the police?
- You were willful.

I was lonely. So lonely.

You never wanted a child.

I was raised by teachers
and camp counselors...

and the help-

If I was good at leaving,
it's because you held the door.

Say something.

- It's okay. Let's just go.
- It's not okay!

It's not supposed
to be like this.

It was very sweet of you
to do this, Jaye.

I didn't do this.
I didn't bring you here. I'm not-

I'm gonna k*ll that cow!

- Hope you're happy. 'Cause nobody else is.
- Come on! Open the door.

- What good did this do?
- Jaye! Open the door!

- Open the door!
- You make me bring her all the way here...

- just so she can feel like crap?
- Please, stop talkin' to that creamer!

- What the hell's wrong with her?
- Nothin'. There's nothin' wrong with her, all right?

- Go away!
- She's cracked.

- You shut up!
- You will not speak to my wife like that!

- I'm not gonna argue with you about this.
- How dare you speak like that-

- Come on, Jaye. Please.
- Are you the cow of pain? Are you?

- Bring her home.
- What?

Bring her home.

I would like to know what
you're gonna do about this garden!

You're so cheap!

- What are you taking their side for?
- I told you to shut up!

And that's when
you assaulted him.

Uh, not exactly.

- Fred!
- Get in the car.

You don't screw with my family.

Hey. No one's more surprised
than me on that. Honest.

Fine. You want to call the police?
We'll call the police.

Now are you ready
to go home?

Chérie.

It's the tomato
cut up the way you like.

And on the good bread.
It's for your trip, chérie.

Oblique. That was
the word you spelled.

Thank you.

Hop in.

- You laid that guy out.
- I barely tapped him.

Old people go down easy.

- Did the cow tell you to hit him?
- No. Shut up!

All right. I sense you're
not ready to talk about this.

- My God! It's like we're connected.
- We are.

Which is why I just have
to say, as your brother...

I'm gonna be relentless until you tell me
what's goin' on with you.

God, as if I knew.

Look innocent.

Passports.

You bringin' any produce
into the country?

Produce? No.

Any undeclared purchases?

- No.
- Anything else I should know?

- What?
- Is there anything else I should know?

Nothing else you should know.

- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

- Is it clear yet?
- Don't see anything.

Okay, then we're-

Dead.

Get out of the vehicle.

Put your hands in the air.

Put down the weapon.
Put down the weapon!

- It's a cow.
- Put it down.

How did they know?

b*tch.

Say I'm your lawyer.

- No.
- Say I'm your lawyer so we can talk privately.

Say it.

She's my lawyer.

Well, if it isn't the squealer.
Thanks for squealing, squealer.

- How am I a squealer?
- Uh, could it be the squealing?

You ambushed us
with the fuzz!

You're all backlit and evil, smoking
like that guy on The X Files.

You ratted out your own
brother and sister.

Is this because we like each other
better than we like you?

- You are hateful.
- You're hateful.

The blonde one's q*eer.
Look at her.

Fingernails are
a dead giveaway.

Cut all nice and short.

Clean cuticle beds. Lesbians
always trim their nails like that.

You know why?

You actually think
I tipped the police.

- You were there waiting with them.
- That's because they tipped me.

I knew you'd try to do
something stupid like this.

Which is why I tagged your name,
so when it came up in the system...

- I'd know about it.
- And then you just dropped everything...

- and came charging to the rescue?
- You're my sister.

When are they
gonna release me?

You might not want to think
of release so much as parole.

Which I'm sure you'll be
eligible for at some point.

- The Canadians are furious.
- Furious Canadians. Does that even work?

They've already filed
for extradition.

Sharon. This is your one chance
to redeem yourself.

I don't care how you do it, but you
cannot let them send her back there.

- Not Yvette. You.
- Me?

- They want to send me to Canada?
- To face charges!

Reckless endangerment,
vandalism, as*ault...

- driving the wrong way on a
one-way street- - Okay. I get it.

I don't think you do!
After they're finished with you there...

the United States will
probably bring you back here...

to answer for
attempted smuggling.

You are wanted
in two countries!

Guess it's a lucky thing
I got me a good lawyer, huh?

Actually, you might want
to consider new representation.

I don't think I can stop this, Jaye.

I'll be okay.
Just try to get Aaron out.

- He's already out.
- b*stard! He sang?

No, you admitted
to driving the car.

Oh. I sang.

There's like six Law and Orders on the air
now. Have you not seen one of them?

And I guess they already
sent Yvette back?

Hilariously enough,
she gets to stay.

- She does?
- In a U.S. jail, until her identity can be established.

D- Did you know her real name's
like Cindy something?

- Cindy.
- Yeah.

I'm really sorry about all this.

I'm sorry I asked
for that pancake.

Sorry I got you deported.

Sorry I made
such a mess of things.

Sorry about your parents
and sticking you in the trunk.

I'm just really, really sorry.

I'm not. Okay, maybe
about the trunk thing-

Not the rest of it.

I feel like I'm free, finally.

Okay, well, that's just ironic.

I never thought
I'd see them again.

But every day for 20 years,
I wondered if I made a mistake.

Now I know I didn't.

So you recommend this whole
running away from your family thing, then?

'Cause I've kind of been considering it.

Dear, I've met your family.

You may have wheels on your house,
but it's not gonna help.

I guess you're right.

I think Mom had a LoJack surgically
implanted in me when I was born.

And now that I'm being shipped off
to Canadian justice, I'm kinda glad.

At least now they'll know
where to send me stuff.

You'll always be taken care of.

I guess that's true.

- Cindy?
- Yeah.

I have a confession to make.

- What's that?
- I miss Yvette.

And she misses you, chérie.

Tyler!

Let's go.

So, is Canada still ruled
by the queen of England?

Because, if the judges there
are gonna be wearing wigs...

as an American, I might
have an issue with that.

You're not goin' to Canada.
Ever again, possibly.

They put a restriction
on your passport.

- What?
- Charges have been dropped.

You're goin' home.

Mom! You sprung me.
How?

Oh, it wasn't me, dear.

I take back every bad thing
I've ever said about you.

You're the best lawyer
a sister could have.

How'd you pull it off?

I made tea.

- You made tea?
- Please. It wasn't her.

I am very sad.

Sharon, go talk to your father.
You're his favorite.

- I thought I was his favorite.
- We don't have favorites.

Can't we just go get her
and smuggle her back?

- You okay?
- She's been with us for over 20 years.

We practically raised her.

Let me make you some tea.

Sidney. Darrin.

You feel like
a game of golf?

- I made tea.
- You made tea?

Please.
It wasn't her.

Your father's very upset.
Make sure you thank him.

He compromised his principles. And wrote
a very large check to the Bradleys.

Cindy's parents. How am I ever
gonna adapt to that name?

Daddy's girl.

You weren't mistreated,
were you?

- Uh-uh.
- I wasn't either.

- They didn't mistreat me.
- You owe me $4,500.

American or Canadian?

I'm sorry I made you
compromise your principles.

The first principle
is always family.

You take care of them first.

- You ready?
- Oui, Mr. Tyler. Yes. Yes.

How did you-
That's like magic!

Your father had a little round of midnight golf.
He arranged a limited amnesty for Yvette.

- Cindy.
- And this time, she's gonna pass that test...

- and become a proud American.
- Yes, Mr. Tyler.

Let's go home.

Cindy. Cindy, Cindy.

Hmm.

Thank you.

- Good morning, girls.
- Good morning, Daddy.

- Name the branches of government.
- I know.

Well, of course you know.
You're already an American.

Executive, legislative
and judicial.

Now, I govern these branches.
Who am I?

- You are the Constitution.
- Hey. So where do you want your Ewok linens?

- Oh, could you put those in my room?
- How 'bout I throw them over here?

- Sweetheart, you're staying?
- The store doesn't open for another hour.

And the mouth-breather doesn't come in
until noon. I plan on being late.

- Oh!
- Can I have a pancake?

- It would be my pleasure.
- Oh, my God. Jaye's staying for pancakes?

So? Hey, what happened
to the cow creamer?

Aaron broke it.
You realize it was a Limoges?

- It still works. - The Constitution
adopted by the first 13 states was-

The Articles of Confederation.

Name the group of officials
who advise the president.

- Uh-
- You just cleaned it.

- The Cabinet?
- Yes! What are the two major American political parties?

The Republicans
and the G.O.P.

- Perfect!
- Dad!

- Dad!
- What?