04x03 - To Serve and to Prey

[bunniefuu]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[Borega] I'm not going to believe sh*t
that comes out of your mouth.

It has f*cked my family's life up
like you don't even know.

[renter] To both of you, I mean, never
would I want this to happen to you guys.

-I'm not kidding.
-[Borega] Well, it did.

[renter]
I just tried to be in a relationship.

Obviously it's not good for me.

I knew something was wrong,
had a red flag,

that's why I was trying to get out.

-[renter's mom] This is not Joel's fault.
-[Borega] Well, I don't think Joel

-did anything with [bleep].
-[renter's mom] No.

[Borega] This man, if he was doing
anything, it would have to be

when he's away from the house.

That would mean that's while he's at work.

You think he's going to
jeopardize his job for you? f*ck no.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

After our life blew up,
when we had an opportunity

to really dissect and decompress…

I started to see everything that has
happened in a completely different light.

April of 2020,
I was working from home one day

and I saw a notification go off
on my phone.

[phone buzzing]

And it's a message request.

I don't recognize the name.

And the message says,

"You may want to be aware
of what your husband is doing.

He's cheating on you,
and I'm aware of it because of my now ex."

And then he writes the person
who had been renting

the property that I inherited.

It was Karoline's mom's house.

And early on,
I remember hearing from Karoline

that she wanted to sell this house,

and Joel had told her,
"No, no, no, no, no."

{\an8}When the topic
of selling the house came up,

Joel was adamant
it was better to rent it out,

and he said he'd manage everything.

[Karoline and Joel's son]
I remember not being a fan of the tenants.

They lived like pigs,

and they brought people around
that weren't upstanding citizens.

I'll just say that.

I was so mad. I didn't like the feeling
of someone making this type of allegation.

I got myself worked up and angry.

It was, like, bewildering
because we were just, like,

our dad could never have an affair

when he's in a field
working in law enforcement.

Not to mention, he's married,
and my mom is super pretty.

I showed it to Joel, and he was like,
"God, Karoline, that's insane.

I mean, so preposterous.

Why in the world would I ever risk this,
my family?"

And we got in the truck,
we drove over there.

He drove me over here, cool as a cucumber.

And he lets me go in here, unleashed.

[Borega] Have you done anything
with my husband?

-[renter] No, I have not.
-[Borega] Have you done anything

-with my husband?
-[renter] No, not at all.

[Borega] Has my husband ever made
an advance on you?

Made you feel like he wanted
anything from you?

Well, guess what?

You said something to make some
psychopath think this about my husband.

[renter] The thing is I was trying to
break up with this other guy.

We're having all kinds of arguments.

I don't know if he's just trying
to get to me to hurt me.

I have no idea.

[Borega] I was so upset.

Within days, I had contacted a Realtor

and put the property on the market.

Joel would later admit to me that
he had an affair with the tenant.

I didn't know it then,

but a disgruntled ex
who's trying to come at you,

I can see in hindsight,
this is the narrative he had provided her.

Do you ever think about what was
going on in that tenant's brain?

I can't even imagine.

I mean, I know from after the fact
that he called her and he said,

"I called her and told her.
You better not say anything.

If you want to have a place to live,
keep your mouth shut."

[Gunning] Wow.

[Borega] So he watched me
in my most vulnerable state,

when I was losing my mom,

preyed on that
to get me to keep this house.

And all the while,
he's using it as his playground.

When Joel was in rehab,

all of the encounters just started
unraveling and revealing themselves.

He was having an affair with
multiple people at the department.

The first time Karoline
contacted me was by text.

And she admitted it.

[Dana] After I broke it off with him,

I didn't know her situation enough
to really say anything.

But her calling me,
her world had just been napalmed.

I told her, Joel just slowly, slowly built

on making me comfortable.

His behaviors and mannerisms
showed interest.

It was kind of nice
to be identified by an officer.

He was just very smooth and suave,

and he really made you feel special,

so it felt okay.

She let me know that it was
during the George Floyd protests

that they were at the height
of their affair.

[protestors clamoring]

[Borega] He would meet her on duty,

see her at her home.

They were meeting all the time while
he was supposed to be at the protests.

[clamoring]

He was engaged in illicit sexual activity

while he was supposed to be
commanding the counter riot team,

and his guys were on the front lines
fighting against a riot.

[protestors chanting]

I was told by Joel
that he was not on duty at the time.

Whether or not he really was on duty,

I can't corroborate.

He would come home
with bruises on his back

and scratch marks on his body.

[Borega] That was one of the things
I confronted him about,

and he kind of giggled
and he said, "Yeah, it was all from her."

It was not me, um…

Joel probably had at least
three or four women at a time, going.

For me, nothing really sticks out
in my memory as far as the sex.

It was very average, very vanilla.

Then all of a sudden,
Joel asked if I was into leather whips,

anything like that.

Eventually,
the conversation got to a point

where he sent me a picture

of a man in bondage wear

dressed up as a woman with a dildo.

And I didn't like that.
I wasn't okay with that.

So I made a judgment call, and I
decided I didn't want any part of it.

That's when I decided I need to step away.

[Borega] And what's interesting is she
tells me when she ended things with him,

and it magically is that time frame
where he was so despondent,

but said it was because
he couldn't stop thinking

about our son getting into a car accident.

Meanwhile, the real reason

is because he's just broken up
with his mistress.

She let me know
of a website that they shared.

So I go to the website,

and I could see messages that he had
exchanged with people for years.

And the messages just weren't with women.

He made arrangements to meet men.

And the most hurtful exchange that I found

was while our daughter was hospitalized.

And he had me believing
that he couldn't stay with her

because of his new position as PIO.

He was making arrangements
to meet with women repeatedly.

It was bad enough to hear
that he had been unfaithful,

but the thought of knowing
just what a liar he was,

I was devastated.

And I told myself, "Buckle in.
What else is coming out?

What else is there?"

I don't know Joel, but a type of addict

that behaves in a way that Joel behaved,

they knew that it was going
to harm other people.

Otherwise, they wouldn't have gone
to the great lengths that they did

to hide it all.

And then living double lives
and manipulating and gaslighting,

it just multiplies
and gets worse and worse.

[Borega] I hate this area of town.

This is prime real estate

for where Joel would meet random people.

They would meet in the parking lot of
these industrial buildings to have sex.

-Like, so, right over here.
-[Borega] Yeah, it's right there.

Here's a community baseball park

where he would meet women,
who he met online,

and they would have sex in his cop car,
right over here.

[Gunning]
It fundamentally changes the way that

you look at your world and your space.

And it has a profound impact
emotionally on you.

-It'll never look the same.
-Never.

How can it?

With Joel's deception,
the hardest part about this story

is the devastation for the kids.

[Borega]
When our daughter was in middle school,

she would come home and talk about
this girl who just tormented her.

This girl bullied Nicole
for a very, very long time.

It was a horrible thing
to watch as a parent,

to see your kid in pain like that.

[Nicole] She was like an evil mastermind.

This girl made it so…

I don't know why I'm getting upset
about this, like, years later.

Anyways, this girl made it so…

Like, no one wanted
to really be my friend.

And I looked forward to family dinners

because that would be, like, the first
time that I would talk to someone.

I would go the entire day
without talking to anyone.

[sighs shakily]

And I said to Joel,
"Don't you think we should say something?

I think it's time to confront this now."

And Joel said,
"Weren't you bullied as a kid, ever?

We got to be able to let her
stand up for herself."

Fast forward, Joel goes to rehab.

And while he's there,
I could not stop thinking about,

"What else is there? What else is there?"

I realized I could pull our phone records.

[Snowden] They call it pain shopping.

You look through email,
you look through text messages

of your partner talking
to affair partners.

Some professionals will approach that
as not very healthy.

I think seeking out information
that they were denied previously

is not necessarily a bad thing
when your whole life has been…

feels like it's been taken from you
and robbed from you.

[Borega]
I start going through the phone records.

One number is over
and over and over again.

And I take the number,
put it into a reverse Google search,

and it was the mother
of our daughter's bully.

I was hot. I was mad.

The f*cking bully's mom, of all people.

And I called Joel,
and I can barely get it out.

My mom was like, "Why is she
trying to contact you constantly?"

He said, "She saw me at Target, Karoline,
after everything blew up.

She was just checking on my well-being."

I said, "I don't believe you."

And I hang up, and I can feel it.

I know what's coming.

I know he just hasn't admitted to it yet.

Days later, it's my birthday,

and Joel asks if he can have
a quick family meeting.

And then he calls.

And then he admits he's been caught.

He said, "She reached out to me

when our son was graduating
from high school.

She commended us on all of his accolades

and what great parents we must have been.

Then she tells me, 'I gotta confess to you
that I always thought you were so cute.'"

And then Joel tells us,
he tells me and our kids,

"And I knew after she said that,
she'd be easy to have sex with."

[Nicole] I started screaming
and yelling and cursing.

My dad knew what this daughter did to me.

And for him to start an affair
with the mom

was just an "F" you to me.

You don't do that
to someone that you love.

It's one thing to cheat.

It's another thing to cheat
with someone's mom

who you saw destroy your daughter.

And you could just dismiss all of that
for your own benefit.

It was disgusting.

[Snowden] Children naturally are like,
"Oh, if you're my parent,

you are one to trust, to feel safe with."

It's absolutely earth shattering

to find out that your father
is not who he said he was.

After everything that he put us through

and even after I learned that
about the mom,

I still wanted his attention

and I still wanted him to reach out to us.

{\an8}Initially, Joel confessed
to around seven to ten affairs.

Over time, it became increasingly obvious

there were many more.

[phone buzzing]

We found out that one of the women
that Joel was having an affair with

was a friend from our circle.

There was a hairdresser

and moms of friends that I've had.

There were so many. I was in disbelief.

Around this point,
I get a phone call from a strange number.

[phone ringing]

Nicole had been in a car accident,
and terror just hit me.

I was driving to school,
and this woman T-boned me.

I pull up. She's in shock.

She has abrasions on her,
but she's gonna be all right.

And I called Joel to let him know.

He already knew.

One of his friends had recognized her name
on the call screen

and let him know.

He didn't reach out to ask if I was okay.

I was wanting him
to check in on me and call me

even though I knew that I was mad at him.

And I knew that, you know,
maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

But I still wanted him
to make that effort,

but he never did that.

[Snowden] These addicts have to develop
highly defensive systems

to essentially live with themselves
every day.

They made these choices.
They knew there would be consequences.

And they'll try to manage
or kind of mitigate

that yucky shame story.

They might even disconnect.

[Borega] Days later,
needing some information from him

to have the insurance company
start doing the payout,

I called Joel.

He was like, "I'm busy tonight.
I'll get back with you tomorrow.

My friends and I from rehab, we rented
a Maserati and we're going out tonight."

I'm like, "I thought you were in rehab.

Is this just a glorified frat house?"

[Nicole]
My car accident happened May 18th,

and May 21st is my birthday.

And then…

On my birthday,

he sent me a balloon.

So it's just hard because…

like, I knew that he knew
it was my birthday,

so he made the effort
of sending a balloon.

And it's stupid,

but, like, I still have it

'cause it's, like,
the last thing my dad gave me.

[Gunning]
Karoline and the kids didn't know it then,

but Joel was about to do
something really surprising.

[Borega] One day, I get this phone call
from the case manager,

and he said,
"Is Joel back yet, in Colorado?"

And I said, "Excuse me?

I don't know where he's at.
I have no idea.

Wouldn't you guys know?"

He was missing and nowhere to be found.

[Borega] Joel's case manager
from rehab contacted me

and he said,
"We don't know where he's at."

It was shocking.

I was concerned, scared for him.

You know,
had he done something to himself?

And then I looked at the phone records.

And I see this one consistent phone number
for the past several days.

And I called it.

And this female answered, and I said,

"Hi.

I think you might be
with my estranged husband.

His rehab facility is looking for him."

He called later, and he was crying,

and he said, "I relapsed. I did it again.

Why do I keep ruining lives?"

Not that I am making excuses for them,

but I find from my years
of working with the addicts,

these types of addictions
are wired in deeply.

So therefore,
there's powerlessness and unmanageability.

And then they will lie and manipulate,
cover it up.

These types of people,
they breathe in and they lie,

they breathe out and they lie.

All day, every day.

And betrayed partners have to
identify it and see a manipulation.

This wasn't someone
who was committed to change.

He took a vacation
in a luxurious beach town.

[Gunning] For Karoline, deep down,

{\an8}there was that hope that, maybe one day,

{\an8}if he put in the work,
they could repair their relationship.

But Joel bailing on rehab solidified
the fact that there was no going back.

That day, I called my divorce attorney.

After that,
our conversations were limited.

Late June of 2022, he calls me,

and he said, "I got a job
and I'm coming back to Colorado."

And I said, "You finished rehab?"
And he said, "No.

They think I should stay longer,

but I don't want to pass up
this job opportunity."

And I said,
"Is your job with the department?"

He said, "No, there's no way
I'm gonna be able to keep my job."

And I was so confused by that.

I thought the purpose of going to rehab
was to keep his job.

His attorney has told him that
he's been recommended for termination.

And he said, "I'm eligible for retirement,

and I just hope
I'm not going to be charged

with any type of misconduct or anything."

One could assume that Joel
wasn't taking rehab seriously.

Why did he even go?

I think he was trying to buy time
to see if his charm

or prior ability to talk his way
out of his behaviors

would be able to come to fruition.

So it's this level of manipulation,
like, "Oh, gosh, look at me.

I have this issue,
but I'm taking care of it.

Look at what I've done.
I've taken care of it."

But he completely decimated
any type of hope

or any type of thought
that he was really truly trying.

[Snowden] Betrayers, they have PhDs
in how to manipulate humans.

Usually, if they are willing
to go to treatment,

it's not with a desire
to own the harm they've caused

and to be better and do better.

It's to not go to jail,
"so you don't leave me,"

or to not lose the job.

It's for consequence avoidance.

Ultimately, I let him know
that our marriage is over.

"We can pay a mediator

or we can meet and iron some stuff out."

And he says, "Let's meet."

{\an8}We agree to meet at a coffee shop.

I open the door,
and I look toward the back.

And there's this person in this fedora,
and he's bearded.

And I had to take a long pause.

The entire time I had known Joel,
he had always been clean-cut.

And we start talking,

and as we were sitting there,
his phone's facing up.

It was constant buzzing
with notifications.

-[buzzing]
-Tinder, Bumble, Tinder, Bumble.

Constant.

And I said, "Gosh, your phone."

And he looks down and he says, "Oh, yeah.

You know, it's just my friends from rehab
and my therapist.

They keep checking in on me
to make sure I'm doing okay."

After everything that had happened,
he looked at me in the face and lied.

We finished agreeing
on how we would divide things out,

and then he said, "Can I have a hug?"

And I said, "No."

And he said, "I hope you know you're
the love of my life and always will be."

And all I could even say back
without trying…

trying to show any emotion was, "Okay."

And that was the last time
we ever saw each other.

With Joel, there was still the open matter

of him potentially facing
disciplinary action.

I didn't know what
the outcome would be with CSPD.

[Borega] At this point,
Joel still could be criminally charged.

For me, there's this strange dichotomy.

{\an8}You know, on this one hand,

{\an8}obviously, I just wanted to spare
me and my family

the continued humiliation.

At the same time though,
I knew what he did was wrong.

I knew he needed to be held accountable.

[Gunning]
Eventually, Joel learns his fate.

{\an8}Even after everything he's done--

{\an8}having sex in his police cruiser,

lying to his bosses,
lying during that investigation--

he's able to retire.

I was floored he was able to walk away,

collect his pension, no charges.

No other consequence.

{\an8}There's no accountability. He was clocking
in and then going to have sex with people.

He gets to walk away with a pension,
live happily ever after.

It's hard to think
that the system isn't broken.

{\an8}I think that's a major source
of frustration for people.

They think he shouldn't be getting a dime.
He should just have been terminated.

But unfortunately,
that is not the way it works.

When you're facing disciplinary action,

the Internal Affairs
does their investigation,

and then ultimately,
it's submitted to a review board.

But retirement is managed
by a separate agency.

The police department isn't about to
interfere with the pension association.

They don't have the power to.

If an officer has earned enough credits
to retire under our retirement system,

that is an option for him to take.

In fact, in 2024, Rocky Mountain PBS

reported that more than half of officers
under investigation in Colorado

will either resign in advance
or retire in order to keep their pension.

It's like having a parachute.

[Borega] I knew from Joel's time
as an Internal Affairs sergeant

that people were given an opportunity
just to walk away quietly,

but what I didn't think
he would be able to walk away from

was the fact that he lied.

It was infuriating.

And then ultimately,
one of the hardest betrayals

is how the CSPD community responds.

Joel Kern got away with it,
and she's the one suffering

the negative consequences from this.

[Borega] One of the few people
who I maintained contact with from CSPD

connected with me, and she said,

"A supervisor brought up Joel
and Joel's actions.

He just completely slandered you.

'She's such a b*tch'
and 'She refused to have sex with him.'

'I told Joel he should never marry her.'"

I was in shock.

I've met this man twice.
I can tell you the occasions I met him.

[Kern] I think it was like
mutual flirtation and then…

things weren't good at home.

He would blame me.

He created a reputation for me
that I would have to answer for.

I did not know that this was what
he had done behind closed doors.

{\an8}He told me that his marriage
wasn't in a good place

{\an8}and he wasn't happy,
and he was gonna leave his wife.

There's periods in my marriage
and home life that were bad.

And then, um,

you know, I met her and talked to her
and then we just became fast friends.

{\an8}My dad was making it seem
like his home life was horrible

{\an8}and that it was my mom's fault.

It was my mom's fault for everything.
That's why he did it.

{\an8}To this day, I've never met her.
I do know that, while I was there,

{\an8}I had heard rumblings
that his wife was extremely difficult.

Well, there was always, frankly,
some jokes about,

"Yeah, Joel's got
to get permission to do X, Y and Z."

You might have locker room conversations,
and rumors start…

obviously, can circulate in these cases.

And then she'd run across people,
you know, at her work environment

where, you know, there was gossip
and whispering or stories being told.

[Borega] I work in an environment
where I see his colleagues constantly.

There's an infamous time
where there were two cops,

one on either side of me, behind me,
and they were making blow job jokes.

If I reacted, was I going to feed
into the Joel narrative

that he had put out to his colleagues
about me?

I had no choice but to take it.

It's just unbelievable

that they took his side over hers,
knowing what he had done.

They treat her like it was her fault.

{\an8}When you're talking about a workplace

{\an8}that involves levels of danger--

firefighter communities,
first-responder communities--

it's extreme lack of safety,

extreme levels of uncertainty.

Therefore, there's a lot of trust you
have to put into the people around you.

And so there's this strong sense,
in the police force of,

"We have each other's back."
But that's good and bad.

I've had people ask me,
"Why didn't you pick up and leave?

Go somewhere and start new?"

I love this town. This is where I grew up.

And I don't feel like
I should be punished for his actions.

But at this point, every day is exhausting

to try to even remotely
look or act normal,

and I am humiliated.

[Gunning] Can you tell me a little bit
about the Brady list?

{\an8}[Borega] Whenever someone
is being investigated by Internal Affairs,

{\an8}they sign something saying

{\an8}they are going to answer everything
truthfully and honestly.

When someone breaches that,
they're placed onto the Brady list,

and most often, they no longer
can be a sworn peace officer.

I mean, it feels like
it was his only real consequence,

but it really isn't enough.

He was being paid

while engaging in deviant sexual acts
in his police car.

To know that he had no legal repercussion,

he was able just to walk away quietly
and collect a salary…

How do you call that fair?

This whole investigation
is bringing to light more than just

the indiscretions of one lieutenant

on the Colorado Springs Police Department.

It's bringing to light a culture

where, if they like you,
everything will be swept under the rug.

[Borega] Ironically enough, one
of the things he used to tell our kids,

like, he would say,
"You are who your friends are."

Well, in the department,

there was covering for each other,
secret-keeping,

and Joel would talk pretty freely
about how he knew

about superiors and colleagues
who were having affairs.

[Snowden] They are the ones
who are supposed to be able to decide,

you know, how to keep people safe,

but then you find out they are one

who's completely detached
from morals, values.

The community betrayal
of something like that

is very, very upsetting.

Over the years, there were
so many people within the CSPD

that knew exactly
what was going on with Joel,

knew Joel's behavior,

knew about the affairs.

But it didn't matter.

[Borega]
The beginning of September of 2022,

our contact was minimal.

[Karoline and Joel's son]
There's no effort.

There's no "Happy birthdays."
There's no "Merry Christmas."

I get "happy birthday" messages
from some of his fraternity brothers.

They keep up with my sister and I's lives.

And they reach out,
but that doesn't happen from my dad.

One day, Nicole and I, we're kind of
walking down memory lane,

and we get my son on the phone.

And we start talking about old pictures.

Now, we're a family
who took pictures of things constantly,

and we would have different photo vaults
where we would share.

My son gets real quiet.

And he says, "You got to pull up
this family photo vault."

And there's dozens and dozens
of pictures of women

who, you can clearly tell, they had
no idea they were being photographed.

And they're zoomed in on places
no woman needs to have photographed.

[Deberah]
To me, it was predatory behavior,

when you see the pictures
that he was taking.

I'm just like, "You're a sick individual."

[Karoline and Joel's son]
And I thought it was lewd stuff.

With the web of lies that he was running,

you'd think he'd be
more technologically apt,

so I don't know if it was on purpose
or if it was a slip up, but it was there.

I'm in shock. I don't know their ages.
I don't know who they are.

I just wanted it off
of anything affiliated with us.

I'm trying to figure out how to
delete the kids and I off of this,

and I can't.

Everything's in Joel's name.

I called Joel
and I said, "Get us off of this."

He did. He removed us.

And in doing so,

he removed pictures of our kids
when they were babies,

pictures from my dad's memorial service,

some of the last photographs
we have with my mom.

I just wanted everything
separate from him.

[Borega]
When I got married, I had two rules:

Don't ever lay a hand on me.
Don't ever cheat on me.

And Joel said, "That's more than fair."

Twenty-plus years we were married,

and little did I know
what he was really doing.

But at this point, following the divorce,
we rarely interact.

In hindsight, I look at the guy
that I thought of

as the greatest family man.

He was so adept at keeping brazen secrets

and was so good
at being that Jekyll and Hyde.

It's just uncanny to try and figure out
who he really was.

It gets back to the age-old question,
how well do you ever really know somebody?

Career police officers were fooled.

His family was fooled.

All types of people were deceived.

This was so deep and so pervasive,
I don't see how it just stopped.

I'm not buying that he took a retirement
package and now he's a great guy.

I think he's still a master manipulator
and still self-serving.

[Borega] When Joel was in rehab,

he started corresponding
with someone from Puerto Rico.

I don't know if he met this woman
on one of his… sites,

but now he's living with her and her kids.

I hope he gets what he deserves.

I feel angry because now that I'm older,

I just can't imagine having a child

and not wanting to be
a part of that child's life.

How do you not think about us?
How do you not want to contact us?

[Gunning] Karoline decided to stay
in Colorado Springs.

It's where she was born and raised.

Even though one community
has turned their back on her,

she's a really strong woman,
and she's resilient.

[Snowden] I've heard a variation
of her experience hundreds of times,

and I think for every betrayed partner,

when their whole world
gets turned upside down

when they uncover these betrayals,

it's like a horrible nightmare,
soap opera movie

that I couldn't even dream up.

And so they tell themselves,

"Who could ever understand
what's happened?"

But with Karoline,

I think she's been able to see
that she's not alone.

[cutlery clattering]

[Gunning] Are they going on the table?

-[Borega] Yes.
-[Deberah] Yes.

Do we help? Like, what's the rule?
Like, do we…

{\an8}-[person] Yeah, we can help.
-I'm old. I'm not doing anything.

{\an8}[laughter]

[Borega] I found out there are a few
things that propelled me into healing.

A betrayed partners group,

being able to have
open discussion with my kids,

and a Sunday supper club.

And I love it.

This is so special. How did it start?

Just one of those things.
We decided that Sunday nights

were a good time
to just all get back together

and to have dedicated time.

It's, like, let's have a family dinner.

Let's sit down and let's talk about
whatever the topic is that comes up,

and nothing is off the table.

It is friends who, you know,
want to give you advice

and discuss stuff with you

-and certainly leave with some stories.
-[laughter]

When Karoline mentioned
that she was thinking about

going on a podcast,

what were your initial thoughts?

Like, "You're gonna do what?"

And then it's like,
"Okay, like, I see the point in it,

'cause you get to tell your story
and do it your way."

I was worried because,
you know, I'm very protective.

Yeah. She was like, "Maybe you need this.

Like, maybe this is why
this was put in your path.

-Just get it all out."
-Yeah.

[Borega]
I didn't know what the reaction would be.

What I was not expecting

was the dozens upon dozens
of messages that got sent to me

from amazing women

who went through the exact same thing.

They had felt alone and abandoned
and unable to talk about it.

And that's what made me know,
"You're doing the right thing."

-[chattering]
-[Borega] It's not easy to reveal

the most traumatic
and vulnerable moments of your life,

but at the same time,
it was healing and validating,

and I needed that.

Honestly, I think
you're a better woman for it,

and you're thriving.

-[Bradford] Yes.
-[Nicole] Yes.

-It's taken a journey and it's taken…
-[Deberah] Four and a half, five years.

…it's taken a village and support
to get there.

This has been the most difficult thing
I've ever experienced.

I don't know what's gonna happen to Joel.

But at this point,
I just have to go ahead with my life,

and I need to do what's right
for me and my kids.

I have two kids who are incredible humans

and I know will leave
a positive footprint on this life

in spite of their dad.

And as for me,

I'm doing everything I can

to find strength to keep going forward.