01x01 - I'd Do Anything for Love

[bunniefuu]

[Brovaries chatting]
[Boris]: New season.

[Zari]: Hi! Let's go, Brovaries!

[Joanne]: Hey, guys.
So, listen up!

Welcome to the new season.

I am honoured to once again
be leading this team as coach.

Coach Jo!
[Brovaries hype up Joanne]

When Leanne and I formed
the first q*eer,

mostly q*eer, sorry, Zari.

No. No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm straight.

Can't help it.

[Joanne]: The only,
mostly q*eer team

in the Mississauga
slo-pitch league,

we imagined that we would be
coaching together forever.

But Leanne--
[Joanne chokes up]

One second. Just...

Are you going to spit it out
or should I get another beer?

We broke up. She dumped me.

And she joined another team
in the league.

What a surprise.
[Brovaries feign shock]

When Ann told us about
the breakup we were honestly--

Sad for Joanne but kind
of happy for us,

because Leanne was--

A b*tch.
A musical theatre b*tch.

[Leanne vocalizing,
imitating snare drum]

♪ Take me out to the ♪

[together]: ♪ Ball game ♪

♪ Take me out to the ♪
[together]: ♪ Stands ♪

[Boris, weakly]: ♪ Buy me a cup
of hope and a dream come true ♪

♪ Brovaries who fight together
will always pull through ♪

Some of us studied.
[Boris]: I'm sorry.

I know Leanne was a huge part
of this team,

but we don't need Leanne.
[all]: No.

[Joanne]: I don't need Leanne.
[all]: No!

We can do this!
[all]: Yeah!

I know that we have finished
in last place in the league

six years running.
[cheering]

Losers!
[Joanne]: Hear me out.

What if this year was different?

Would you consider
playing to win?

[ice cream truck jingle
plays in background]

[Boris]: Playing...
[Zari]: ...to win?

[Joanne]: Yes.

[Boris]: Maybe because you
just got dumped, hate your job,

and are mostly unhappy in life,

we could give it
the old college try.

[Joanne]: Yeah? Awesome.

[Boris]: For you,
since your life sucks.

She's got a sh*t life,
let's help her out.

We're already here!

[theme music]

[Boris]: Get the drone
connected.

[Lee]: It's kind of used,
but it should do the trick.

[Boris]: Okay, the video feed
is up, it's good.

[Zari]: This is wrong.
Spying is wrong!

Then you shouldn't have come,
Zari!

It's only wrong
if we get caught.

And we're not spying for sports
purposes, anyway.

- Yeah.
- We just want to see
you-know-who.

So, Leanne, Joanne's ex, is now
playing on the Tech-a*s Rangers.

Today is the first day
we're going to see her

since she broke up with
the team. Joanne.

She broke up with Joanne.

Joanne and Leanne
were together for 10 years

and Joanne would sit in my chair
and she'd talk about Leanne

and by talk I mean,
she'd cry. A lot.

[Boris gasps]
- The narcissist is landing.

[Boris]: There she is!
Look at the car!

[Ann]: Of course, she did.
- Are you getting this?

Are you getting the car?

[Lee]: What do you think's gonna
happen when Joanne sees her?

Think they're going to fight?
Or like, make out?

Or like, make out
while fighting?

You think they'd fight
in public?

Why do you have such
a weird b*ner for people's
relationship drama.

Yeah, you've got to stop that,
Lee, it's weird.

[Ann]: Oh, my God.

[Leanne]: Hi! Justin!

Did you see my poster?
Ah!

Oh, my God.

Look at my billboard!
I'm so excited.

[all gasping]
[Ann]: Oh, my God,
they just kissed.

[Sasha]: Are they together?

Got to admit, he's pretty hot.

[Boris]: Okay, let me see, let
me see, I need a closer look.

Oh, sh*t. I can't tell
with boys.

Their haircuts are so deceiving.

Zari, you tell us,
you're straight.

Huddle up!
[Zari]: Oof.

Yes, that is a fine a*s man.

Mm-hmm.
Like, lowkey zaddy vibes.

Mm. Take me behind the--

[Zari coughs]

Somebody take this from me, please.

Okay. I'm going in
with the drone.

Oh, yes. Take it up. We've got
to see his facial hair up close.

[Lee muttering]
Okay, yes, yes, yes. Oop.

Oh wow, yeah. Okay.

I think left is right
and right is left.

- Okay, yeah, yeah.
- Down is up and up is down.
- Got you.

[Boris]: They're going to see
it, they're going to see it.

Go up. Up, up, up, up. They're
going to see it! Incognito.

[drone clangs]
[all]: Oh, sh*t!

[mechanical hissing,
electric shocks buzz]

Maybe they're just like
g*y friends, you know?

Maybe he's like
a g*y friend of hers--

[Zari]: I don't think--

Hey, guys. Welcome to your
sanctuary in the sky.

She clocks in at 298 sq ft
of impeccable finishes

and capital C charm.

You can fit a full double bed
conveniently

steps away from
the intimate galley kitchen.

I mean, whoever said condo
living was boring

has not seen this place.

I'm Leanne McBride. Buy with me!

[scoffs]

Still got it.

Ah, yeah.

I haven't seen her in a while
but I'm seeing her on Sunday.

Playing her team.

I think she feels lonely.

She posted a video of herself
yesterday

crying while listening
to Coldplay. I felt bad for her.

Even though she ruined my life

and dumped me three months ago.

Oh, God, she just looks so good
when she cries.

I've got to stop looking
at her Instagram.

Stop me.
[sighs]

Joanne, we've had a complaint.

- Okay, about who?
- You,

it's... about your desk.

What about it?

This isn't Comic Con, Joanne.

This is an office, okay?

Only one small plant per desk.

Corporate's really
cracking down.

They only approved this F
balloon because... TGIF.

[chuckles]

Before I forget, I'm going to
need you to come in on Sunday.

I... I have a really
important game on Sunday.

Joanne, we're a family here.

Don't disappoint Mommy.

We'll see you Sunday.

[Joanne]: Or?
- We won't see you Monday.

I'll see you on Sunday.

No, no. I don't work Sundays.

[Ann]: Okay. Focus up,
this is what we know.

Tech-a*s Rangers, they have


What do we have?
We have one ticking time b*mb.

[Boris]: Yes.
- The ticking time b*mb?

This is Joanne if she sees

Leanne's new mystery boyfriend.

So if Leanne starts kissing
her mystery man on the field

and Joanne sees it,
we get this, you know?

Bad.
We want to avoid this, right?

- Yes.
- So, we need a plan.

Well, we need some proof
first. What do we got?

Okay. I have some Instagram
intel.

No pictures of our man
on Leanne's profile

but I combed through her likes
and I found him.

Name: Roy Dabir.

He's got a private Instagram
but his bio says,

"Tech Town CEO

I like coffee"

And then there's a period,
and then it says, "Uncle."

Guys, this isn't right.

We're prying, looking into
peoples' lives.

[Ann groans]

But I did find

two of Leanne's Pinterest boards
entitled,

"Our new house" and, smoking
g*n, "Roy's man cave."

[Ann]: Oh, my.
- They're moving in together?

Well, what does that tell us,
then. We need a secret plan

and Joanne cannot know, okay,
Boris, you got that?

- Why me?
- Joanne can't know what?

We saw Leanne! We were spying
on the team with Lee's drone,

and then when the drone saw her
it tried to commit suic...

it tried to... it k*lled itself.

I know. I know.

You guys think I'm going to lose
my sh*t when I see her

and not wear pants for a month.
- That was a dark April.

But honestly,
I'm over it!

I'm actually more over it
than she is.

Did you guys see the video
with Coldplay that she posted?

[laughs]
Pretty sure that was about me.

I mean, that could've been
about anyone.

It almost seems like she wants
to get back together with me.

[everyone mutters in hesitation]

[clears throat]
- Ladies, gentlemen, theys.

Barbara!
Nice to see you.

Oh, hello. Have we met?

Oh, okay. Yes. I get it.

I'm Barb Barberetti.

Yes, you are. And I am Boris.

Nice to meet you.
- Yes.

- Stranger.
- Yes.

Stranger, stranger.

[blows a raspberry]

That absolute smoke show of
a lady is Barb Barberetti.

Couple of other things I think
you should know about Barb.

Number one, she is the owner

of the Public Lass Bar
and Grill, our team sponsor.

Yeah, you make one friend,
you want a frickin' medal?

Number two, she's running
for city council.

Let's build a city
that works for all of us.

And number three...

I had sex with her in her car
seven weeks ago

and it rocked but because she
is married to a husband

and in love with Italian Jesus,

she sometimes likes
to pretend

not to know me.

You know what they say about
strangers, Ms. Barberetti?

No, I don't.

Well, they say that you should
not be getting into cars
with them.

Also, you should not be taking
candy from them.

Like a baby.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

Okay! First up.

Uh, what I would like to do is,
I would like you to put up

some of my signs,
can you go, Lee? God.

Yeah, sorry.

All around the dugout,
whatever this is.

Is this a dugout?
Mildew fest.

It's a field house. Yeah.
[Barb]: Sports house?

I'm supporting you, and so
in turn I would like you

to support me.

[Ann stutters]

Uh, Barb, what did you ask
them to put on the sign?

Hm?

[Brovaries gasp
in astonishment]

[Barb]: My God,
these sign people!

They're like illiterate
dumbasses,

they kept screwing it up,
so I had to really spell it out
for them.

God damn it.

[chuckling]
Yeah, you can't have,

"Are you f*cking deaf."

Because that community, the deaf
community, they are powerful.

Joanne, where were you at
the strategy meeting? Hello?

Oh, I was at work,
I have a day job.

- Jack in the Box?
- No.

Don't you work
at Jack in the Box?

I have an office job.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Alright, well.

Do you think
she works there?

- I don't--
- I'm just saying,

I don't think it's a me thing.
Anyway, listen.

The point is, if you had been
there you would have known

that I have actually recruited
an amazing new player

for the team.
[Boris]: Oh.

Yeah, their name is Mel, and
they just spent the last year

in the pro leagues!

[Brovaries chatter excitedly]
But, luckily for us,

there's been some kind of,
I don't know,

falling on hard times situation
and they live in a van.

Which is great. Because
they have agreed to play

for The Brovaries!

Listen, I got some of these
bumper stickers printed.

They're sort of fun. They got
my slogan on it,

so if you guys
could make sure you--
- What's the slogan?

Barb drives the future.
I want my supporters to be able

to recognize each other
on the road.

You don't have
to ask me twice!

[Barb]: I got circle ones, too.
I like both shapes

because I really don't see
gender, you know?

Alright, good. I gotta go rip
these sign people a new as*h*le.

So have a great practice
and let's go, woo!

[Joanne]: Wouldn't it be
hilarious

if I ran into Leanne
wearing this,

and then she thought that I,
you know?

[Joanne laughs, Sasha giggles
a little politely]

It'd be funny, right?
Just like, "Hey."

Why don't we get out there
I think--

[Brovaries speak up
in agreement]

Does anyone have nails?

Yeah! Game day! Okay?

It's going to be like normal,
guys, I'm just coaching you
from Zoom.

[Zari]: Where do you want it?

Uh... can we find somewhere
where I can see the team?

The other team?

I just kind of think the sun
is going to be in your eyes,

so you might be better over
here.

[Leanne singing]

[Ann]: God, I can't stop
watching.

[Boris]: It's like
a f*cking trainwreck.

- Why this as a stage, though?
- Right?

♪ Over the place, I'm going
to get you, Broadway-- ♪

Don't quit your day job.
[Brovaries snicker]

[Lee]: Who is that?

Hi. I'm Mel.

I'm the new player
Barb hired.

I used to play pro, but now
I'm here. Don't remind me.

This is rock-bottom.

[Brovaries clap]

[together]: One, two, three,
Brovaries!

[whimsical music]

[Joanne]: Outfield,
pick it up!

[Boris]: Nice try, Annie!

[Joanne]: Come on, Brovaries,
I know you can do this!

Put it first!

[overlapping chatter]

Aw!

[groans in frustration]
[groans in exertion]

[Joanne]: Okay, team.
Great effort

in the first couple innings.

I know the playing situation
is less than ideal

but let's get an early win
on the books and--

[Leanne]: Hey, team! Miss me?

Oh, Joanne! You look so cute,
all tiny there.

I thought you'd be here.
It's not the same without you.

Aw, sad face.

Have a great game!

- You okay?
- You look like you're going
to throw up on the iPad.

[Joanne]: I'm fine, I'm fine.

Go get them!
[Boris and Ann]:
We're going to win.

[Lee]: We got this, Jo.

Look, I don't want
to sound insane,

but did you see the necklace
she was wearing?

I bought her that necklace
at Niagara-on-the-Lake.

And then we got in this huge
fight at the ice winery

and she said she hated it,
but if she hated it so much,

why is she wearing it today?

Today, of all days, when she
knew she was going to see me.

sh*t.

[laughs]

She's definitely still in love
with me.

I've got to get to the field.
How to get from office to field.

I look like an office schmoe.

And change to hot outfit.

It's been there all along,
she's so obvious.

And also not get fired.

Okay, if I go down First,
I can stop at, yes! Blouse Barn.

Enter the following data and
organize in chronological order.

[computer dings]

Okay. Um.
That's probably garbage.

Leanne, here I come!

Yeah!
[laughs]

Hey.
[Joanne]: Oh, hey! Mel.

Sorry I'm in the car. Thank you,
so much for jumping--

Hey, so, um. Barb was supposed
to pay me

but she didn't show up. Could
you e-Transfer me my game fee?

[Joanne]: Game fee?

[Mel]: Yeah, that's how Barb
got me here from the pros.

Game fee.
[Sasha]: The what?

Game fee. This is
what I'm saying.

This Mel or whatever, though
very attractive, I will say,

they are paid
to play with us.

Come on, it's not that big
of a deal if Barb pays Mel


- 200.

- What?
- $200 per game?

[Mel]: Correct.
- I say we quit. Okay?

Yeah, we walk away.
Then nobody gets paid.

Or... what if I got paid $200?
- Yes, to the second part.

Even if it's not 200,
this is a labour issue.

We could unionize.

[Boris]: Oh, like
the milk farmers.

[Zari]: If one player gets paid
and the rest of us do the same
work for free,

that's exploitation. That's how
pay gaps grow

and the power imbalance
becomes status quo.

Hey! Let's go!

Give us a minute, fancy man!
We are unionizing.

[Zari]: We're going to go
Norma Rae on your a*s!

- Who's that?
- She was a...
[Zari stammers]

An organizer--
- Yeah, Norma Rae.

Ever heard of him?
[car screeches to a stop]

[overlapping discussion]

Argh! Hey! Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey. What's up?

Hey.

What?

What? Is it the blouse?

You're going to wish
that it was the blouse.

[Zari]: You really didn't have
to do this.

[Joanne]: No, it's fine,
it's fine.

Let's just finish the game, yeah?

$200 for you, $200 for you.

Yeah. Grandma doesn't need
a 100th birthday present.

She's had so many birthdays...
[Boris]: Yeah.

Who needs contacts? Right?
Not me, I can use one.

[Sasha]: Joanne,
are you sure you--

We can't forfeit the game, not
today, okay? Not in front of...

People.

[Zari]: Alright, um.

Look, about--
- Just play!

Yes! Love it. Union strong!

[♪ Raise a Little Hell ♪
by Trooper]

[Joanne]: Alright, men
at first and second.

Look alive!

♪ Raise a little hell,
raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell ♪
- Go, Roy!

Yes!
[overlapping chatter]

[Joanne]: Let's
see what you've got, Mel!

[Brovaries cheering]
[music continues]

Come on, Boris!
[grunts]

Come on, Boris.
You drink too many beers?

[Joanne]: Shut up, Leanne!
[Ann]: f*ck you, Leanne.

[Brovaries cheer]

You and Danny have to come
to the engagement party, okay?

It's going to be crazy.

Sasha. Sasha!

That guy, that Roy guy, it's not
the boyfriend, it's her fiancé.

Oh, f*ck, that is bad. Um...
Just don't do anything, Boris.

Boris!
[Leanne and Roy chatting]

- Hey, Boris!
- Don't you "Hey, Boris" me.

You go and you break up
with Joanne and you say,

"Oh, I'm never going
to get married to anyone
because I'm an artist."

And then you go and you become
a real estate agent?

- You've seen my commercials?
- Everyone has, Leanne!

But then you go and you get
engaged?

You have to tell Joanne!
- I was going to.

You tell her right now.
Or I am going to draw a d*ck

where your mouth is on that
stupid car

that you sell your tiny, shitty
little houses,

and you know what, Leanne?
- What?

I'm really good
at drawing dicks.

Might have never seen one, but
I have excellent penmanship!

[Joanne]: Uh, okay, guys, I know
it's been a tough game.

A weird game.
- Is that mustard on your shirt?

Ah! Who did that?

It was me,
I had a hot dog.

The point is, we can do this.

Just when you, you think things
won't work out,

and then, they do.
- Usually they don't.

Yeah, sometimes it just is
what it is, over.

Okay, guys, I get it, okay?

You think that
this potential rekindling

is going to get in the way
of the team again.

But it's not going to be like
that this time, okay?

I've learned. And clearly
Leanne showing up...

gorgeous is a gesture.

Joanne, I have to tell you
something and it's not pretty.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
It's from Leanne.

Just give me a sec--
- She has a boyfriend.

- And he is on the other team.
- What?

[chuckles]
She doesn't have a boyfriend, guys.

Ah, look. "We're going for
drinks after

if you want to join me
and my finance."

Finance?

- Finance?
- What?

[Lee]: Finance manager?

- Yes!
- Yes! Could be.

Could be.

Wait, wait, there's bubbles,
there's bubbles!

No, maybe don't, don't read--

"Sorry, autocorrect.
My fian...

My fiancé."

Fiancé.

She's getting married.

Okay, um. I'm going to give
this back to you.

Buy yourself something nice, yeah?

Yeah, I'm really sorry.

[Boris]: Buy yourself
something nice.

Yeah. Thanks.
Yeah, thanks, guys.

Hey, listen up. There's
nothing we can do about this,

but you know what we can do?

We can get out there
and we can win!

[Brovaries]: Yeah!

For you, Joanne,
we're going to do it.

Alright! Let's do it, guys!

[Ann]: Gloves in,
and win on three.

[together]:
One, two, three, wi--

Well, we lost.

We lost and I lost my dignity,

probably my job,

but I got a blouse. So.

Way to go, Coach.

[Ann]: Yeah, you did good
out there.

They're coming this way.
We have to do something.

What do we do?
- I don't know,

I told her to tell Joanne,
and she texts like a coward.

Hey, I just wanted
to check in.

It's been a crazy few months,
obviously

and I want us to be mature about
me and Ray getting married.

Uh, Joanne! Baby. Um...

[Leanne]: Okay... Wow.

I'll see you in the car, okay?

'Kay.
[Leanne]: That's nice.

Good. Good game.

Good... game.

Good game, guys! And, Boris,
so nice to see you.

It is nice to see me.

[Ann]: And, Leanne,
just so you know,

Joanne has a lot of money now.

Because she was actually,
she got a huge promotion.

CEO of the company.
- That's right.

Just bought a helicopter.
- Lessons.

She's taking helicopter lessons
because she's so in love.

She and Sasha are happier
than she ever was with you.

They're in a very mature
relationship.

[Boris]: Very mature.

Congratulations.

[Joanne]: Leanne, you know,
it's really nice to see you,

but, I mean, the Coldplay
and the lingering looks,

it's like, really desperate,
so...

You should probably let me go.
- Hm-mmm.

We should go.
[Boris]: Yeah, you should go.

[Ann]: Yeah, bye.
- Nice meeting you!

- Bye-bye! Nice to see you.
- Way to go, Coach.

[Joanne gasps, Brovaries
congratulate her]

Guys, I don't know
what came over me.

[Zari]: Sasha came over you.
- Thank you.

Thank you for making up
all those...

...super plausible lies
that made me look good.

I just... thanks. Thanks.

[Boris]: Yeah, we got your back,
Coach!

Hey, could we use some of your
grandma's birthday present money

to buy some pizzas?

- Absolutely.
- Nice.

[indistinct chatter]

So, Joanne.

Got the spreadsheets you sent
to me over the weekend.

Apparently, you were only here
for an hour and a half.

I can explain.

All I know is, Corporate was
thrilled with the work.

Jessica B said it was the best
spreadsheet she's ever seen.

Ron Kunkel concurred.

Best spreadsheet.

That's right.

Okay.

So, congratulations.

You've just been assigned
eight more accounts.

It's a lot more work
and no more money.

But the prestige?
Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!

Keep this up and you might get
bumped to an inner office.

- The private one?
- Semi-private.

- With a window?
- Ew, Joanne, no.

You're five years away
from a window.

The point is, you're not fired.

- I was going to be--
- The point is you're not.

- But I was going to be?
- Not. Any. More.

- Okay.
- Excellent job, Joanne.

You've got the formula
for success.

Spreadsheet humour.

[chuckles]
- Good one.

[phones ringing]
[indistinct chatter]

I had some help.

[drops]
sh*t.

Chris, sorry--

♪ Let it rock
let it roll ♪

♪ Raise your hands and let go ♪

♪ Let it out
lose control ♪

♪ Raise your hands
and let go... ♪