22x04 - An Act of Self-Erasure

[bunniefuu]

This programme
contains strong language

Tickets, please.

Oh!

Yeah. This isn't my fault.

Oh my God. Oh my God!

Aaah!

PHONE RINGS

Bloody hell! Mum? Aah!

AUDIENCE CHEERING

I say!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome! Welcome to Taskmaster.

A bovine bolt g*n into the soft
confidence of comedians' self-worth.

We're four in and there's
something in the air.

And it's not Little Miss Trumpy Pants
who sits next to me.

It's the smell of hope. "Surely,
this episode, I'll get some points.

"Surely, this time,
he'll make a kind comment.

"Throw me a 'well done'. Unlikely.

"He's probably been up half the night
because his prostate's massive."

Let's see.

Please welcome Chloe Petts!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Isy Suttie!

Matt Lucas!

Nina Conti!

And Richard Ayoade.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who tells me

that every time a fan asks
for a photo,

he finds it hard to smile
through his utter revulsion.

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Uh...

Hello, Greg. Hello. Before we start,

if we could all hold hands
and bow our heads.

Thank you.
GREG SIGHS

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna go no contact on this.
Fair enough. Except for Richard.

Yeah. Yeah. And just some
gentle humming, please, Greg.

Mmm...
ALL HUMMING

Let us take a moment to appreciate
what we're about to do.

May we enjoy this experience fully,
share it joyfully,

and remember those
who either have done the show

and did it badly,

or haven't been asked
to do the show yet

and it's getting awkward now.

Please let this television recording
process nourish our bodies,

our minds, and the bonds between us.

And please let there be no biting
or scratching this time.

Thank you. That's it.

Nice. Just set the tone, hasn't it?
It's nice.

It was just generating
a hot atmosphere.

And it's certainly worked.

Because in a room
full of nearly 300 people,

pin-drop silence.

I would very much like to hear
the prize task category, Alex.

Well, we'd all very much like
to hear things, Greg.

I want to go to a Shakira concert.
Meanwhile...

This time...
♪ La la, la la, la la! ♪

Oh! She's here!

This time, they've been
asked to bring in

what they think is
the juiciest thing.

Ooh! AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Thank you.
But whose thing is juiciest?

Well, that's up to Greggy.

He's going to juice them
for everything...

LAUGHTER

He's going to juice them
for everything they've got,

and he's going to give five points
for the juiciest thing.

So let's hear from the Juice Judge
right now. It's Greg Davies!

Whoo! Richard, juice me up.

I've brought in

Peter Stringfellow's autobiography,

called King of Clubs.

Wow.

This is Peter Stringfellow's
autobiography, King of Clubs,

written by Peter Stringfellow,

published by
Little, Brown Book Group.

I have to say some things legally
now.

It's interesting the cover.

He looks very dapper, but that's
in stark contrast

with the juicy stuff inside.

Yeah. A lot of the juice
we can't go into...

Mmm. ..um, in this book
for legal reasons.

Um, but let me tell you, squeeze
that book and you'll get wet.

LAUGHTER

Did you know
that Peter Stringfellow was probably

the first person in Britain
to backcomb his hair?

Huh!
CHLOE LAUGHS

That's the sort of juice I was
looking for. RICHARD: Exactly.

The aim is to speak positively about
the book.

Yep. So I'll stop there.

It's a strong start. Uh, Matt.

It's rare that you sit here and know
that you've won the task.

Wow. Ooh.

I just want to confirm
what your sexuality is currently.

You're both currently heterosexual.
Is that right?

Currently. OK. Well...

That may be... Yep?
That may be about to change.

Because I've brought
in a photo of my bottom circa 2006.

There you go.

LAUGHTER

There you go. That...

...certainly has tipped
me over into straight.

Yeah... Oh!
LAUGHTER

Oh. I wouldn't mind a slightly
closer look. Yeah, go for it.

Yes! Yeah. Phwoar!
I would if I wasn't already me.

Incredible. I like Matt's big butt.
I cannot lie.

No, no. And you shouldn't.
Nina? OK...

I've brought one of
my ventriloquist masks,

cos they get juice out of people.

May I put it on you, Alex?
Yeah, him.

OK, so the winner of the episode
gets this.

OK. Oh!

I usually do this with, um,
non-professionals.

I don't think you'll see much
difference. Yeah.

NINA LAUGHS

I tried to make it say the thing
it looks like you're trying to say,

you know, rather than
force anything on you. No.

So I'll just... I hope you don't
start slagging off your fans again.

Well, do you like your fans?
"I don't like my fans."

Why not? "I don't like my fans,
all right?

"I don't like them.

"I don't like 'em. I shag 'em,
but I don't like them." Oh!

Whoa! "Oh, I'm a juicy one.
I'm a juicy one.

"I want to sit on your lap, Greg.

"Please can I sit on your lap,
Greg?" You may.

"Yes!"
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's nice.

"Squeeze me till the juice comes,
Greg.

"Squeeze me!"
GIGGLES

♪ "You are a juicy one
I am a juicy one

♪ "Juicy, juicy, juicy, juicy juice
Yeah." ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm sorry. How did you read my mind?

Wow. Honestly, I don't know
why your bum is so hot.

Isy? Bring the juice.

I have made a montage

of two juicy fruits

playing tennis to
the point of deuce.

Ohhhh!

Lovely bit of wordplay.
All her own work.

Oh!

How long did it take, Isy?

Well, first I decided to make them
out of papier mache.

And they were giant. Right?
And that was...

That was taking weeks.

You know that you can control
the size of papier mache, right?

See also, I'd used...

I'd used tabloids to make
the papier mache...

Tabloid papers.
...which had juicy gossip.

Aaah! Oh, my God,
there's juice upon juice upon deuce.

Yes! Lots of effort.
Now we're talking.

Chloe. Juice me. Uh,
I've done a papier mache of my butt.

God almighty,
what's wrong with you people?

It's juicy.
That's not your butt.

Yeah, I've got...
I've been squatting for Taskmaster.

It is also, when you turn it...

Here we go. ..a juice blender.

Lovely bit of work.

Greg, do you want to guess
where the juice comes out of?

Oh, God.

I'm not sure he's gonna
like this photo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, it's one of the worst
things I've ever seen.

All right, here we go.
I'm giving Richard two points. Oh.

I'm going to give three points
to Chloe and Matt.

Four points to Nina
for getting the juice out of you.

But five points
is fruit playing tennis. Deuce!

- Five points to Isy Suttie!
- Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ace. Happy with that.

Alex, let's start off
with a task proper, please.

Got it.
And this one features sage advice

for any future
Taskmaster contestants.

Nina. Shall I sit down? Yes.

{\an8}There's the chair.
There's the table. There's the task.

{\an8}I had wondered.

There's the task. There's the table.

It's exciting, isn't it?

I feel quite led by that. Yeah.

Find and complete the actual task.

SIGHS
Why?

Everything you say
from now on must be a question.

If you say something
that isn't a question,

one minute will be added
to your time, will it?

Your time starts now?

Now look under the table?

We're off. Are we?

Are you all right with this one,
Isy? Happy?

Are you all right with it?
I'm fine with it. Yeah.

You all right with it?
Am I all right with it?

Does the pig fly?
Does the pig fly? Yes?

APPLAUSE

Does the pig fly?

Does it? Does it?

I think we should just
get straight on to it. All right.

Ask me if I want to see it.
Do you want to see it?

Does the pig fly?

OK, we're gonna start
with those three on the left there.

Chloe, Isy and Matt.

So you want me to look
under the table?

Yes, please, Matt.

COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING

Is this the only table?

Are you seriously expecting me
to look under every table?

Have I just found the next clue?

There are a lot of tables,
aren't there?

Oh, yeah. There's loads of tables.

SIGHS
How many tables are in this house?

Philosophically,
what are we counting as a table?

Oh, this is too much for me.

I think it is, don't you?

HE CHUCKLES

Is this the tiniest table
of them all? Nope.

Is this the smallest envelope
in the building? No.

"What is a table?"

"Are you a table?"

"Did you look under the table
in the lab?"

Is it in here? What is that?

Is this something?

That's a water table, yeah.

Do you want me to lift this
up so I can look underneath it?

"What is the atomic
number of hydrogen?"

Yeah. Just wondering.
Do you think it might be two?

I don't know. I don't
know how you find out these things.

Hello? Table?

"Are you comfortable?"

Did I forget to look
under that table?

"Have you looked at the columns?"

"Is this the sort of thing
you like doing periodically?"

Do you?

Is there a periodic table
in the house?

Of course.
It's the Taskmaster house.

CHLOE CHUCKLES

CHUCKLING GETTING LOUDER

"When is a table not a table?"

Oh!

When it's a periodic table?
APPLAUSE

Are there columns in this room?
It's definitely got columns.

Hah? This one?
Is that a periodic table?

Is this the one I missed?

"Say your seven times
table. Fastest wins."

Fastest wins.
Seven, followed by 14.


Up to 12, please.







I've stopped the clock.
Well done, Matt.

Do I still have to talk
in questions?

No, but I think you always will now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good. They all seemed
to do the task very well.

Hmm.
There was certainly more urgency

to Chloe's attempt
than perhaps Matt's.

Would that be fair?
Well, I've got a lot on.

LAUGHTER

Matt only made two mistakes
in terms of the questions.

Did I only make two?

Uh, Isy, also two mistakes.

What do you mean, mistakes?
Hm! Not asking questions.

Does the pig fly?

Can you give us an example
of the statements

that we made rather than questions, please?

You said, "I don't know,"
and "I'm going outside."

That does sound like
something I would say.

LAUGHTER
Mm-hm.

Do we have a stop now?
Are you having a nice time?

Does Alex give you the creeps

even though he hasn't technically
done anything wrong?

Me too. We'll see you
after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back! It's part two,
and we're in the middle of a task

where they have to find
the actual task.

Do they? And everything they say
must be a question?

Yes! It's fastest wins now
for two people from the 1970s.

It's Richard and Nina.

You could call this a console table.

BUZZER SOUNDS
Was that a question?

Yeah?

Is everything a question
so long as it goes up at the end?

Pfft. That's arguable.

Do you think I would be wise
to head out?

Not necessarily. OK?

BUZZER SOUNDS

I think "OK" has let you down.
"OK" is a question.

BUZZER SOUNDS
- It can be a question.
- OK?

It's not always a question. Isn't
it?

I'm being too slow, aren't I?

I'm enjoying the questions too much,
aren't I?

I'll go outside, won't I?

Hello. Hello...

...is a nice thing to say, isn't it?

BUZZER SOUNDS
Nah, that wasn't very good.

What is the atomic
number of hydrogen?

I don't
straightforwardly know anything.

BUZZER SOUNDS
I don't know why I'm here.

BUZZER SOUNDS
I don't know why I woke up.

BUZZER SOUNDS
I don't know what life is.

BUZZER SOUNDS

"How would you describe
this period of your life?"

It's easy to use words like "waste",
isn't it?

It is.

"Are you in your element?"
LAUGHS

Am I ever!

I think that was French.
BUZZER SOUNDS

Ou se trouve le tableau pertinent?

Huh.

You expect me to read this?

"Have you..." Yeah. "..looked..."

"..under the periodic table

"above the portrait of Greg
in the living room?"

What do you think?
I don't think you have.

SHE GASPS

Lovely? Lovely.

"Say your..."

"..seven times table."



Seven, 14, 21, 28, 35, 42, 49, 56,


I've stopped the clock.

Well done, Richard. Thank you?


Stop the clock. Well done.

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, in many ways,
the highlight of the task, really.

Ohhh!

Richard had an existential crisis

and didn't ask
a lot of questions halfway through.

Just a lot of statements.


Oh!

"66 Non-Questions" is the title
of my new album.

LAUGHTER

I mean, there were things like,

"I didn't know that was a shed."
"Because t*rture can get heavy."

"We don't have bird tables
in my culture."




Compared to two, two, two,
and three from Nina.

I think Nina only, uh,
made two mistakes,

because she said "Hello
is a nice thing to say, isn't it?"

And there was a "baaarrrp".

It was cancelled out. Why?
That's a question.

I can't remember that...
Well, I remembered.

And you know why?
Because I don't hate women.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

I did think that was
uncharacteristically harsh, Alex.

Can... Is there any... Oh,
it's very characteristic, really.

This is the one, Nina,
we have punished you for.

Hello...

...is a nice thing to say, isn't it?

BUZZER SOUNDS
Nah, that wasn't very good.

"Hello is a nice thing to say,
isn't it?" It's clearly a question.

I think it's a question.

I think you thought
the sentence had ended,

and that "isn't it?" was appended.

Ooh. Thank you.
I don't think it was a question.

It was. You...
But that's not what I think.

That's only what you do
in your campaign against women.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm overruling you.

It was clearly a question in my mind.
Yeah. Can you strike one of my 66?

So Chloe, Isy, Matt and Nina

all made just two mistakes. Yes.

Compared to Richard's 66.
Which means...

Which means what?
Richard's the winner, I suppose.

Unfortunately,
Richard gets just the one point,

because he took 117 minutes
and 30 seconds.

Chloe gets two points.

They were the second slowest.


with your two-minute penalty.

Then we have Matt. Ten minutes 29.

Nina, nine minutes five.

But it's five points to Isy,
with eight minutes and 49 seconds.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Not bad for someone who's usually

just tottering around
on her high heels.

OK!

I...
GREG LAUGHING

And I demand to see a scoreboard.

Well, Isy has come last

in the first three episodes of
the series,

but she is currently crushing it
with a maximum ten points.

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you have another task for me?
Uh... Ooh!

Good news. I do.
Unfortunately, this one is the pits.

ECHOING CRYING

THUNDER CRASHING

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING

Thanks. I was worried I wouldn't
be able to get through. Yeah.

We've decided we're really gonna
to try and win this.

Yeah. Yeah.
A lot of mirroring going on.

THEY LAUGH

Ah. Ah! Do you wanna...
Yeah. Go on, then. ..do that?

OK. No, you can do it. You do it.

OK. You're good at reading.

"Create the most powerful
piece of art..."

"..involving one
or more of your armpits."

"You have 15 minutes."
Involving. Involving. OK.

Powerful. Involving one
or more of your armpits.

LAUGHTER

Your time starts now.
I have alopecia.

So, full disclosure, I have
a little armpit hair, but not a lot.

Yeah. Whereas...
There's evidence to suggest... Yeah.

...that maybe you don't have
a lot of armpit hair.

You know, like, when kids paint
using their hands and feet?

Oh, yeah. Could we somehow smear
paint into our armpits

and put that onto paper? Yeah...

How about you?
Under one of my armpits,

there's a third head.

Right.

Guys, is there any possibility
that we could... Go slower?

Um, if we could really keep on task.

Huh. That's not... probably not
gonna happen that well. OK.

So, look, just think about it.
We've got...

There's nothing to lean on in this
place. We've got one armpit here.

One armpit here. Lean on me.

We've got...
Who are you? Ben E King? Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.
I'm here all week.

Ben E King.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Chloe's reaction to a Ben E King
joke made twice was perfect.

It was the grumpiest face
we've seen so far.

Did you capture the grumpy face?
Yes, I did. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

They didn't like that, did they?

The thing is, like...

edited at home,
it's very charming to watch.

Yeah. It's whimsical.

But when you're getting the raw,
live footage,

it's incredibly frustrating.

Um, Richard, you said that
under your armpit is a third head.

And I suppose
what I'm intrigued by is

what is the second head
that you refer to?

LAUGHTER

The third head swallowed it.

Wow.

First up, with four armpits between
them, it's Isy and Nina.

What colour paper would you like?
White? Yeah, let's try white.

Is it... is it...
OK, let's... Can we...

Oh, this is really good.
It's gonna catch on.

OK. OK. Let's do one...

Looks great. Is... is this powerful?

Yeah. OK. Oh, it's quite tiring.
Black now. Yeah.

Yes.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

That's good.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Both of you,
very tight grips with your armpits.

I don't think I've ever gripped
anything with it before.

Never that strong before, no.

OK, you may go.
Thank you. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I mean, it looked like
a 1970s porn film occasionally.

There's something about watching us
from the back.

We had to be so precise.

It looked so gross from behind.
Very uncertain lovers.

Um...
LAUGHTER

What a lovely title for a film.
"Uncertain Lovers."

I mean,
I have never gripped anything.

Well, you said...
I wrote it down. You said,

"I don't think I've ever gripped
anything with it before."

And I thought, "I don't think

"I've ever gripped
anything with my armpit before."

No. But Nina said,
"No, never this strong."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The implication is you've gripped
something lightly with it.

Well, this is their powerful piece
of art, done only with armpits.

{\an8}Oh my God. ISY: It's so...
It's really, like, arty.

It's quite like Picasso, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, "Dad, question mark"
is the one that stands out to me.

"Death, love, Joe."
Job. Job, job. Job!

Oh, lovely. Lovely. Lovely!
That's undeniably powerful.

It asks questions. Yeah.

It's time for an armpit-stop
and a little treat.

Alex is gonna play us into
the break with his armpit.

Yeah.

BAGPIPES PLAYING

Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back
to the third part of the show.

The current task involves
armpits and art.

Yes, and the most powerful piece
of armpit-based art wins.

So let's have a look
at the team of three.

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING

HUMMING

LOUD BURPING

HUMMING, GUITAR PLAYING

GUITAR STOPS, CHLOE CONTINUES HUMMING

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE
Powerful.

Thank you. Mm. Thank you.

BURPS
There we go.

Thanks, team. Alex? Yes?
Can you slow that down?

And you play it very long over
the top of the piece.

Will do. Thank you.

SLOWED BURP

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to see the artist
taking their work seriously.

Um, look, it didn't come out
as we envisaged it.

We... Speak for yourself.

That's exactly
what I imagined it would be like.

What we were going for
was not The Scream.

Yeah. But The Burp.

Yes. And then we thought
it would be nice

for the breeze to flow
through my ample armpit hair.

Yes. The breeze was the burp.

No, the burp was the burp, Matt.
Oh, sorry.

Is a googly-eyed character who lives
in an armpit who does a big burp...

Is it as powerful as The Scream?
Oh, I think... I think...

I think, in many ways, it's more...
It's more vital.

How so? I think... Well, because...

well, because I think
it has an urgency to it.

Could I have some insight as to why
the main character lost their eye?

I feel they burped
their own eye off.

Wow.

It not only burped both
of its eyes off,

it burped its own mouth off.

Yes.

In a way,
it was a kind of act of self-erasure

that I find almost unbearably
moving.

These are the two powerful works
of art side by side.

CHLOE LAUGHS
I'd go and see that band.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, there's barely anything
between these two great pieces.

What slightly separates them
in terms of the power

is the choice to put two googly eyes
on your armpit.

So you're saying that
that was more powerful?

No. CHLOE: Ah.

I'm giving five points
to the group of two,

four points to the group of three.

And that's purely because I cannot
take googly eyes seriously.

Thank you.

Right, then. Let's have
another task right now.

Yes. And finally, it's off to work
for the comedians.

Oh, no. It's this way round.
Is it this way round?

That was smooth, wasn't it? Yeah.
Here we are at the steam factory.

Wow. It's very substantial.
It is very substantial.

Sorry. Coffee.

Is it fine to have hot drinks
in the steam factory?

I'd... I'd have thought
it's made for it.

I've always wanted to work
in a steam factory.

Now you do. Or do you? Or do I?

Ooh. Are you doing the whole thing?

SIGHS
I'm tempted to.

I'll have one more, and then I'm in.

"Convince everyone you are wearing
the official workplace earpiece."

"Or, if you are wearing
the official workplace earpiece,

"convince everyone
that you are not."

"If you are wearing the official
workplace earpiece,

"you must obey
all five instructions."

"If the Taskmaster
fails to identify the worker,

"the worker gets five points."

"If a fellow contestant mistakenly
accuses someone else

"of being the worker,
that person gets five points."

Oh, OK.
"Nobody else gets any points.

"You have five minutes."
"Your time starts on the whistle."

So, Richard. Mm. All five
of you will be wearing earpieces.

Only one of them is the official
worker's earpiece.

Yep. So you've got a minute

to acclimatise yourself with
the factory.

Unit number four. OK.
Are you ready to leave?

Yeah. It's time to go
and put on your earpiece.

That's my agent.

I just heard a single g*nsh*t.

All right. I know.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHING

OK. Mm-hm. I don't honestly know
if I fully understand.

So perhaps you'd like to explain it.
I'll explain it.

So all five of them
were given earpieces,

but only one was the official
worker's earpiece.

They're gonna be fed instructions,
the worker, into the ear,

and they have to obey
the instructions.

The others have to pretend
to be fed instructions.

Ah! They did all get the same
first instruction

and the same last one.

If you fail to spot
the worker... Right.

...that person will get five points.

If a fellow contestant mistakenly
accuses someone else

of being the worker,
that person gets five points.

So watch this and try to work out
who the worker is.

I already think I know.

You haven't seen it yet. Yeah. OK!

Now, here are
the first three workers.

Richard, Nina and Matt.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hello, Richard. Hi.
Instruction number one.

Uh, it hasn't rung yet, Richard.

PHONE RINGS
Hi.

PHONE RINGS

Where's the phone? Oh.

I'm ready for work.
Yep, I'm ready for work.

I'm hugely excited
to be here at work,

and ready to do what I can to help.

{\an8}You work here, do you? Sorry.
Instruction number two.

Yeah. I've got to sign in.
Where's the signing in?

Oh. Oh, OK. Oh, I suppose
that goes in there.

{\an8}BELL RINGS
Yep. Yep.

Yeah.

You know, it's just up to you, really.

But the point is, is that, um...

SIGHS
...you don't have to parent them.

LAUGHTER

What were you doing?
I had to do it four times. OK.

{\an8}What are you doing?
I've been asked to magnify...

{\an8}LAUGHTER

{\an8}...whatever I want.
Instruction number three.

{\an8}OK.
So now I have to measure the bilge.

Oh, it's here.

I don't really need that.

It's at zero. Zero bilge? Yeah.

KNOCKING ON SURFACES

Ah, there we go.
That's moving along. Lovely.

I had to tap on all the glass
I could see.

Oh.
TAPS GLASS

SIGHS
Instruction number four.

LAUGHTER

Mushrooms!

Why did you say "mushrooms"
after turning the handle?

LAUGHING
I was told to by the boss.

Oh. OK. well,
it's probably just turning this.

Instruction number five.
Cheers to the Taskmaster.

Rip up the envelope.
All right. Fair enough.

HEAVY BREATHING

I'm hiding. Right.

I might clock off now.
Well, that was a good day's work.

BELL RINGS

Now salute.
Salute now. Right.

And leave the factory. OK.

OK. Bye-bye. Yep.

Hmm. Interesting.

All right. OK. Mm.

Don't give anything away.

Any early suspicions, Greg?
I do have suspicions already. Yeah.

OK. Anyone want to say anything?

I'm suspicious of Richard,

because I don't know
that he would hop voluntarily.

I think such whimsy has to be
instructed and forced upon him.

That is character-based and shrewd.

I don't believe you've ever hopped
before in your life.

I would venture he would only hop
if not asked.

I think he's more likely to hop
if he's told not to hop.

You mean he's quite a contrarian.

Is this round called
What's Wrong With Richard?

LAUGHTER

That's the end of part three.

Who is going to take home
a mouth, a mullet,

two bums
and some fruit playing tennis?

Find out soon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome. Welcome back.

It's the final part of the show,
and we're trying to work out

who is wearing
the official workplace earpiece.

Yes. It's so bloody tricky.

And I know the answer! Waah!

Who's left up?
Well, give us a Cl-oh.

And Is-ee wearing
the official earpiece?

Yes, it's Chloe and Isy.
That's fun, isn't it?

Here we go. Meh.

PHONE RINGS
Instruction one.

{\an8}Hello? CHLOE AND ISY:
I'm ready for work.

Does that happen every day
at the factory? Oh, yeah.

Tough boss. It's OK. Yeah.

What's the boss's name? Arnin.

Hm? Arnin. Arnin? Yeah.

Where's he from?
He's from, um, Morecambe.

Instruction number two.

{\an8}Just have to check
that that's closed.

{\an8}Instruction number two.
I'm turning on booster number four.

So tell me,
what are you doing at the moment?

So I'm just doing a bit of work.

You don't mind
if I do a bit of work, do you?

On which machine?
Um. Unit number four.

Instruction number three.

I'm just checking that unit
number four is fully lubricated.

Instruction number three.

Waah! What happened?

Hot.

What time's your lunch break?
One moment, please.

Instruction number four.
Yeah. OK.

OK. I'm now going to chant
the company motto.

Advance with steam
Lest progress stall!

Alex, do it with me.

Advance with steam
Lest progress stall!

Instruction number four.

♪ One, two, three
Time to make steam!

♪ If you don't... ♪

Uh...
LAUGHTER

Sorry. Try again, Isy?

♪ One, two, three
Time to make steam!

♪ If you don't... ♪
Time to make steam if you don't?

What's that? It's the... A motto.
That's the motto? Yeah.

Arnin makes us
sing it every 20 minutes.

HUFFING
Instruction number five.

Ooh!
Instruction number five.

PANTING

That's looking shiny, that.

♪ One, two, three
Time to make steam!

♪ If you don't... ♪

Now...

Think that's pretty much
me done for the day.

That wasn't part of it.
Lovely to watch you work.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Interesting.

Hmm.

Did Isy not give herself away then,
with her

"One, two, three
Time to make steam"?

What's the last thing?
"If you don't..." "If you don't..."

Yeah! Is that likely to come
from head office?

"If you don't"? Yeah, yeah.

Because then, if I don't, ooh...

you know, I won't get any porridge.

Or, you know... # If you don't... ♪
Oh, of course.

Because the steam workers,
that's their reward, isn't it?

A lovely bowl of porridge.
Yeah. Yeah.

♪ If you don't
Rats on your plate! ♪

That is...
LAUGHTER

OK. Isy's not the official worker.

What do you think? Shall we vote?
Yeah, I'm ready.

OK. So I'm going to give you
a piece of card each.

If you could all write one name of
who you think the worker is.

Do you think you know, Greg?
Yeah.

So remember,
if you're not the worker

and you get accused of being
the worker, you get five points.

If you are the worker
and he doesn't spot you,

you also get five points.

Greg, I'm going to ask you,
who is the official worker?

Well, I think
that the official worker is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING

...Nina Conti. OK.

Chloe, who did you vote for?

Nina Conti.

Isy?

Chloe Petts.

CHLOE LAUGHS
- Matt.
-Well...

LAUGHTER

The reason I'm voting
for this person is because...

LAUGHTER

You know, I just don't think
they're really enjoying

their time on the show.

And I just think they'd have
a better time if they went home.

Nina. Three. Three votes for Nina.

Nina? I voted for...

"Time to make steam
If you don't..."

LAUGHTER

And finally, Richard.

Nina. Nina.

A lot of people think
Nina is the worker,

including the Taskmaster.

It's time to find out who was
wear... Can we... Ooh?

Can we keep these pens?
Yes, you can keep the pens. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

So it's time to find out

who was wearing
the official worker's earpiece.

Hello, Isy. Hello.

Everyone's been talking about
who they think

is the official worker. Have they?

Would you be able to reveal if you
were the official worker or not?

Yeah. I can reveal that... I...

I know show business. I...

...waaaas...

...not the official worker.

I was not an official worker.
You were not? Hm.

AUDIENCE GASPS
I did...

...not have the official earpiece.

Shall I tell the truth?

Yes, I was.
You're the official worker?

Check
the number five booster pump...

Turn on unit number four...

Don't mind if I do a bit of work,
do you?

On which machine? Unit number four.

Waah! EARPIECE:
Pretend something is hot.

♪ One, two, three

♪ Time to make steam. # EARPIECE:
Chant the motto of the factory.

Ooh! EARPIECE: Stretch vigorously.

♪ One, two, three
Time to make steam!

♪ If you don't... ♪

Now salute and leave the
factory.

What were you listening to?
Uh...

I was listening to Joel Dommett,
uh, screaming in my ear.

What were you listening to?
Rampant man losing his mind.

A rampant man?
Was it you? It wasn't me, no.

It was someone deranged.

EARPIECE, OVERLAPPING:
Whoa! Oh my God! I'm...

Craig David. You're the Masked
Singer. Yep. How are you? OK.

I'm never gonna watch
The Masked Singer ever again.

Thank you, Matt.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Hang on.
So the official company slogan...

"If you don't..." was given to you?

No, no, I made that up. All she...

Weirdly, she was just told
to chant the official motto.

And that's what she chose...
Oh! ..which was confusing.

That's why I ruled you out.
Cos I thought,

"Well, they're not going to get her
to say, 'If you don't...' Silence."

Why not?
CHLOE LAUGHS

Incredible. Incredible.
So Arnin was real.

Arnin... Well, again, no.

LAUGHTER

It was an enormous backstory
invented by Isy, not me.

And I based my guess
purely on the fact,

just as we were about to watch
the video, Nina went like this.

I did a bit of acting!
Nina is slightly unlucky,

cos you only get five points,
even though you fooled three people,

but because you fooled anyone,
you get five points.

Chloe also fooled someone,
so they get five points.

Isy gets five points because
you did not spot the real worker.

The two men get nothing,
which I'm so happy about.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done! Good strategy.
Cheers!

Can we look at the scores, please?

Oh... # If you don't... ♪

Ah.
CHLOE LAUGHS

I want my porridge! OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's, um... it's tight at the top,
but there's only two of them.

It's the team of two.

Nina's on 18 and Isy's on 20 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Maximum. Maximum points.
Maximum points!

All right, everybody.

Make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Greg.
Who's gonna read the task out?

Chloe Petts, please.

"Draw the picture described
by the Taskmaster

"while making eye contact
with the Taskmaster.

"You can only look at your picture

"while the Taskmaster is shouting
'Bayeux Tapestry'.

"You have until
the Taskmaster tells you to stop."

Right. Worth having your pen out.

Please start making eye contact
with the Taskmaster.

When he shouts "Bayeux Tapestry",
you may open your lids.

Most accurate wins.

Here we go. Are you ready? Yeah.

There is a mighty chariot.

Gold. Four wheels at the front.

One wheel to steer.

And skis at the back.

Bayeaux...

Tap...

...estry!

Stop! It is being dragged

by a mighty horse.

Oh, f*ck. Not good. Also...

...a pair of hippos.
Oh, you are a piece of work.

{\an8}And the horse has only three legs.

Bayeaux...

Hang on. All the way open,
please. Both horses.

...Tapestry!

Down. Shut your lids, please. Oh!

Don't worry. OK.
It is riding one of the hippos.

What? What?
A mob chases the chariot.

Oh, you need to sort your head out.

It's a summer's day.

There is a rainbow.

And you can also see the moon,
because that happens sometimes.

Bayeaux Tapestry!

OK, shut it. Richard didn't even
open it that time.

Oh, and the chariot rider

is Sam Ryder,

the beautiful,
long haired singer from Eurovision

who has just had all of his hair
shaved off.

Oh, you. You twat!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, down. Pens down.

OK. Shall we look at the tapestry?
It's a classic. Let's go.

{\an8}Pop it in the, uh, frame.

- {\an8}Wow. A lot of detail.
- Really good.
APPLAUSE

A moon, a sun. No rainbow.

Oh, I forgot about the rainbow.

You got the two cats.
Two giant hippo cats.

Clearly... clearly hippos. Lovely.

I'm gonna go to Isy. Oh, my God.

I see two big potatoes
next to the mob.

They're hippos' heads. Ohh!

And the hippos are urinating
on the horse?

Like in the Bayeux Tapestry.

OK. Hello, Matt. Hello.

Definitely a rainbow. Mm-hm.

Then... Yeah.

One hippo under the big mushroom.

Uh, that's two hippos.

They are, um, conjoined.

You seen enough, Greg?
I've seen enough.

OK, Matt, back to your spot, please.

Hi, Nina. Hello.
OK, I see a moon. I see the sun.

{\an8}Where's the rainbow? This one. Oh.

Yes.

The beautiful two-coloured rainbow.

There's skis.

And who is riding the skis?

I didn't ask anyone
to be riding the skis.

No, it's being chased after.

Her legs are flying backwards
cos she's coming so fast.

Oh, she is the mob.
She's a one-woman mob.

I thought you said mum.

Chased by an angry mum.

Yeah. OK, Nina, back to the spot.
Thank you.

OK. Last one.

OK. There's some gold
on the carriage.

I'm happy with that.
There's an angry mob.

What's above the angry mob? I
don't know that I ever looked down.

{\an8}I guess it's the sun.
Yep. It is the sun.

Uh, point out the hippos to me?
And the horses.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, Greg.
I enjoyed them all very much.

I'm gonna give Richard and Matt
two points each.

Yes, cos they're the worst.
Because they're the worst.

Mm. Mm-hm. Purely
because of the lack of colour,

I'm gonna give Nina three points.
Right.

Isy, four points. Chloe, five.
There we go.

Five points to Chloe Petts!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on down. We'll add
that to the final scores.

Wow. Hasn't there been
a lot of creativity this episode?

There really has, hasn't there?

So, in the series,

Isy has now gone up to third place
from rock bottom

just behind Chloe,
and then Nina is in the lead.

But this episode,
Isy Suttie wins with 24 points.

-Wow!
-Wow!
CHEERING

Isy Suttie wins!

Please, jog up to be jubilant
with your juicy jumble!