03x01 - The Zast of Zus

[bunniefuu]

They're costly, they're complicated,

and if botched, they can be
unsightly, even painful.

I'm speaking, of course,
about adult animated TV shows.

With me is noted cartooniologist Dr. Hans Viener.

Dr. Viener, what is your
biggest worry about these shows?

Season three.

At that point, there's a significant risk

of desperately trying to keep viewers engaged

by parodying another, more popular show or movie

in an attempt to leech some buzz.

Family GuydidStar Wars.

The SimpsonsdidCape Fear.

The Great Northdid Bob's Burgers

but in winter jackets.

This shameless season three
animated parody you speak of,

do you think that could happen here?

Look around.

We're already in the middle of aLast of Usparody.

It appears that I am... the last of us.

And by "us," I mean rugged yet refined DILFs

whose breathy voices
can make anything sound sexy.

Garlic powder.

Prebiotic soda.

Conjugated verbs.

Character actor Richard Kind.

Sign gags.

Okay, Singles Night,

which lucky fella am I leaving with?

Maybe I should go back
to hooking up with married guys.

These guys aren't so bad if you squint your eyes,

and then keep squinting until they're closed.

Aww, I think they're cute.

It's adorable watching them try to pick up women

in the same room as a certified Grimsburg 8.

Notarized and everything.

Hey, baby. You like antiquing?

'Cause my junk hasn't been touched in years.

Eww! Go away, Skid Marcus.

Yeah, gross.

Let me show you how it's done, Skid.

Hey, baby. You like antiquing?

You'd rather that guy buy you a... wait.

She's buying him a drink? That can't be legal.

Stop talking.

I don't want to hear your voice
when I'm looking at that.

Come on. Handsome stranger just rolls into town?

This is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

He's probably a serial k*ller or a g*y cowboy.

Could be both.

g*y cowboys can be anything they wanna be.

Wait. The uggos are embracing him too?

But macho men are their natural enemy.

Something's not right here,

and I'm gonna get too drunk tonight

to figure it out.

So, how was Singles Night?

It was a total bust in that I didn't get

to motorboat a single bust.

Because you spent the night

obsessing over some guy who was hotter than you.

The guy with the girls fawning
over him was hotter than me?

I'd love to know what you think hot is.

Hey, what did your dead husband even look like?

Because I don't think I've ever even seen him.

Let's see a pic.

From when he was alive, obviously.

I'm sure by now his face is a real creepshow.

My... husband?

But I...

I don't have any photos of him.

All units, all units...

must be in Imperial measurements.

Also, report of multiple men

loitering six furlongs from here.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan!

There's at least 20 hot older guys in here now!

All with salt and pepper hair,
perfectly manicured beards,

tons of jewelry but it
somehow registers as masculine.

I've heard of this.

Let me check my Pocket Urban Dictionary.

An attractive, fashionable,

charismatic older man who takes
pride in his eclectic hobbies."

Huh. We used to just call them "g*y guys."

Wait.

Skid Marcus?

How did you get hotter than me? Tell me.

Was it surgery?

A HIIT workout with two Is? Three Is?

What Hims product are you on?

Whoa, whoa! Flute, settle down.

I'll handle this.

When exactly did you begin to Goldblum?

Bring it in.

I do love an unscheduled hug.

Um... you guys?

What's happening...

to me?

I've watched enough prestige TV in bed

to know what this is.

We're in a full-blown Zaddy apocalypse!

Wanna jam?

Oh, God!

They don't realize
they're too old to learn guitar!

Run!

Ooh, yeah.

My God, the hotness seems to be spreading.

This is amazing.

I know, right?

I wonder how it's being transmitted.

Is it airborne like spores,
or like shared Ozempic needles?

Uh, gee, let me calculate that

on my Bunsen burner.

Just relax and enjoy it.

This is the first pandemic for the ladies.

Buy you a cup of coffee?

Making own mug.

Do you always travel with your own pottery wheel?

You must have a pretty big... backseat.

Hey, what's your last memory before you got hot?

Did you get bit by a sexy bat?

Dutch... angle.

Summers! You got infected?

Harm, we gotta figure out what's going on here.

I'm gonna take him back and run some tests.

What? Oh, yeah.

Um, I'm gonna run some tests on my guy too.

Ooh.

Maybe even an... oral exam?

Ah! Please, no!

They'll kick me out of my bowling league

if I'm too sexy!

Pour over coffee.

This is bad. They're turning fast.

Vintage tube speakers.

Peptides.

Before you know it, this place will be San Diego.

I don't want to live in a world

where every man spends $100 on a hat.

Oh, God.

A whole town full of guys...
who are hotter than me.

Why are you stopping?

Because pretty soon on the scientific scale

of "Hottie or Nottie?" I will be the nottie.

And my looks mean too much to me
to let that happen.

I'm sorry, Martinez, but there's no other way.

Do it! Hug me!

Make me your brah, bro!

Come on, man. Bring it in.

Flute! No!

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

And I'll miss you too, Belle.

You were a nice place to rest my mug

when there wasn't a table around.

Wait, why is nothing happening?

I mean, he bro-hugged me,

even did the two obligatory back-pats,

and not a single hemp bracelet.

You must be immune.

But if I can't get infected, then once every guy

becomes a Zaddy, that'll make me...

the ugliest man in the world.

Thanks for taking my spot, Flute.

You're welcome, Ted Cruz.

Nautical antiques.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why would I be immune to getting zaddified?

Maybe you have a mutated gene

like the guy who works in payroll.

Oh, right, Mutated Gene. Good guy.

Well, now that I'm officially ugly,

I guess I'll have to develop a personality.

Might even have to start listening to women.

- That wouldn't be...
- Ugh, that'll never work.

Now I'm never gonna get

that sweet, sweet nasty again.

If you can hear this,

we are an anti-Zaddy resistance group.

If anyone out there is immune,

we need your help to develop a cure.

Join us at the one place attractive people

would never be caught dead.

The biggest warehouse club in town.

CostLand.

Upgrade engine block.

Ugh, these sexy dummies are too obsessed

with their annoying hobbies.

Then I guess we'll have to take the horse

that's conveniently wandered right there.

It's the only way.

And luckily it's also the most cinematic.

Don't worry, Summers, I'm gonna
figure out how to fix you.

Street photography.

Candid. Bokeh.

I've been collecting vaccines
since RFK banned them.

This was one Kyrie Irving refused to take.

And this one might be heroin,

but a lot of good music's been made on this.

Ah, I think this might work.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have a bloodstream.

Well, I do!

I might need to try another method.

Definitely heroin!

I had no idea you knew how to drive horses.

And I'm also surprised
you're not into these Zaddies.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

I just mean as a woman
of your age and desperation.

Looks are only part of attraction, Flute.

And those guys ain't my type.

And what is your type?

What was your dead husband like
before he was dead?

I don't talk about my...

...husband.

Dead husband.

And I feel like there's something

you're not telling me about him,

but I'm gonna sniff it out.

When we're not on this horse, of course.

It's hard to smell anything else.

Stop.

Don't go any further...

away because we want you to have dinner with us.

- Was that confusing?
- Kang?

So glad you could join us.

This one cooked enough for a small army.

You take such good care of me.

Well, someone needs to.

So you two live here together?

How did th... like "together" together?

Kinda feels out of nowhere.

No, it was hinted at a little in season one,

and then we really found each other

during this pandemic.

Maybe this highlight reel will help.

I want you to know... I'm not g*y.

I know.

I'm actually super straight.

No, no, totally.

Just so we're clear...

Mmm, you do not even have to say it.

You agree this means nothing?

I do.

Hoping for the Emmy, but you know,

we'd take a GLAAD Award.

So all of that happened since
the pandemic started yesterday?

Best 18 hours of my life.

Small batch bourbon.

Let's get you out of this shirt.

Oh, and this one. And this one.

Huh. You guys sure like your layers.

One sec.

Hey, Wynona, have you noticed
anything weird about these guys?

Yes! It seems the longer this goes,

the more preoccupied they are

with masculine hobbies they suck at.

So I'm gonna try to snap him out of it

by using emotional triggers
tied to his pre-Zaddy identity.

Summers, it's the Cuddle Crew.

They wanna cuddle with the old you.

Black and white. Artsy.

Oh, God. That only made it worse.

Now he's showing me his work.

Wow, what a great eye.

So subversive.

Help!

The infection even made it out here.

Look, another abandoned mid-sized sedan.

Poor guy. He's probably now driving

a vintage Beemer, top down,

drumming along to Father John Misty

on the dashboard.

Then we better keep our eyes peeled.

Sounds like maybe...

you need our help.

We're the Stars.

Brad Pitt? Michael B. Jordan?

Leo D. Caprio?

What is this, some kind of religious cult?

Nah, the Stars are a rebel faction.

Although, being from Hollywood,

many of us are also in religious cults.

This pandemic is a serious threat

to us professional handsomes.

If anyone can be hot,
that means we're not special.

And if we're not special,
that means people won't put up

with our weird behavior
and mediocre side hustles.

Right, Ryan Reynolds?

Right.

And if that happens,

I'll go broke and may need a loan.

At Minute Loans, we provide fast,

easy money when you need it.

Why? Because I can't keep

selling gin, phones,

or self-awareness forever.

How will I get 20-year-old models on boats?

Am I gonna have to start dating


On land?

Us Weeklyis wrong.

We're not supposed to be just like you.

Yeah. We're the hot ones.

The ones who are all
equally as hot as each other.

Eh, thanks, Adrien.

Anyway, we heard you're going to CostLand.

We'll escort you there safely in our G-Wagons.

I have to say,

and this goes for every single one of you here...

boy, I thought you'd be taller.

Oh, God!

What are these Zaddies doing?

Make own pizza dough!

Refurbished old Bronco myself.

Flying classic helicopter!

Their performative masculinity

will destroy us all.

We gotta do something. It's bad out there.

It's bad in here too.

His photography hobby has become an obsession.

He's gotten into lenses. Lenses!

Fifty millimeter. Zeiss Otus.

Tilt shift for architecture.

Oh, my God!

I love this place!

Shelled pistachios and a Jacuzzi
in the same store.

Stan! I wondered where you were.

The thought absolutely crossed my mind.

I didn't really map onto any of
the characters for the parody.

I mean, it would've made sense

for me to be the kid who's immune,

but I get why you'd wanna take

the most important role for yourself.

Okay, well, glad you're here.

We can cut the whole Stan part if we're long.

Already marked for the edit.

Welcome. You're safe here.

We have everything you need
to keep you looking your age.

Crocs, cargo shorts, Oakley blades.

But you have to wear them
on the back of your head.

We're actually here to help find a cure.

Yeah, I'm immune. NBD.

You're immune? Hey, hey, he's immune!

Wow, it is so nice to feel valued again.

Honestly I've been a little down
about my looks... whoa!

What are you doing?

We need to prepare him for surgery.

Surgery in a CostLand?

It's scary enough that they do eye care.

It's fine.

We just have to find out what makes him immune.

By k*lling him.

While it has always been a childhood dream

to get carried around on a forklift,

I gotta say...

no!

Help! Stars!

They're gonna k*ll me!

Eh, we knew that. Seemed worth it.

Yeah, anything to keep us so much hotter

than everyone else, right?

Just be happy with your Oscars, Adrien.

Maybe I better with unspecific European accent?

Ooh, me like big American muffin.

And the award goes to

Adrien Brody inThe Muffinist.

Wow.

Aww, come on!

Someone left this garden gnome
in the bulk wines aisle.

I'll put it away.

All right, let's get you out of here.

Ah! An A.I. garden gnome!

Don'tM3GANme! We already did that parody.

It's me, you immunodingus!

You're here to save me because you care about me.

Uh, no. You're our main character.

The Last of Uslost half their audience

when they let Joel die,

and ours isn't even that big to begin with.

Don't bother. I'm worth more dead than alive.

Maybe I'll be better looking too
if they cut off my face.

Oh, for God's sakes, get over it already.

There's more to life than being hot.

Like... being super hot?

You wanna know the real reason

I've never showed you a picture
of my dead husband?

It's because he was... ugly.

Come on, how ugly could he have...

Oh, my God! Eww!

I-I'm sorry, but the state

legally let you marry someone that ugly?

We did have to get a special permit.

But what I'm trying to say is...

Ohh, another wave coming.

Respectfully. But I get it.

You're trying to make me feel better

that I don't have to go
through life looking like that.

Martino didn't care that people
thought he was ugly

or how many people screamed, "It's a monster!"

That's what made him hot.

His crazy confidence.

Confidence?

A guy who looked like a pile of moldy jockstraps?

I said it was crazy.

In fact, that unearned moxie...

...turned out to be what k*lled him.

The man believed he could do anything.

Including running around an indoor hotel pool

even though the sign clearly said, "No running."

He was spectacular...

till he ate it.

No!

Call it.10:32 a.m.

Here's a commemorative watch

so you can always remember
your loved one's time of death.

You won't get this at a Courtyard.

Just sayin'.

Well, that perfectly explains
your weird broken watch

you always weirdly look at weirdly, weirdo.

Look, you spent your whole life

with an unreasonable amount of confidence,

considering, you know.

And maybe that's why you can't get infected.

Because confidence is the ultimate immunity.

It protects you from trends, from doubt,

from knowing what you look like in a Speedo.

And if we're gonna survive this,
you gotta get it back.

I've tried everything.

I guess we're stuck living in a world full of men

who think they're good at everything.

Well, I suppose that's not so different, so...

I could kiss him.

I me... I mean, sometimes
that works in fairytales.

It's not that I want to. It's...

I'm just trying to help find a cure.

Well, I guess a kiss is worth a try.

Let's trim him up a little.

You don't wanna get
Brillo pad burns on your face.

Okay, hold still.

Okay, he's all yours.

And remember, if this goes further,

it's for science.

Ooh, I love science!

Oh, my God, it's the beards.

The beards are the key! We did it!

Uh-huh.

How long has this guy been dead?

We gotta help find him
or they can't make the vaccine.

Totally. Hey, Brad.

Did I tell you I like to paint?

Yeah. A bunch of times.

Hand to God, best quarter of a cheeseburger ever!

- And it was free.
- Keep it down.

Now, we're close to the doors.
Maybe we can sneak out.

Wait, what's that?

Do I hear guitars... being played poorly?

Worse.

They think they're k*lling it.

Wes Anderson boxed set.

Bodyweight exercises.

Goldblum.

I can think of worse places to be trapped.

Mmm.

No, but this is bad.

Bad for the Zaddies, maybe.

Who's ready to shave the day?

- Hi, Mom, can we get...
- No, put that back.

Yeah.

Flute, you gotta lead 'em right to us.

You sure you can pull this off?

I'm confident I can.

Oh-h*, yeah.

Oh, ladies!

Ooh!

Wow, so confident.

And running in flip-flops
on these slippery floors?

Wait. Come back.

Now!

Ooh!

It's not fair.

Men are held to impossible
beauty standards these days.

Oh, really, Skid?

Imagine doing what we just did to your face

in between your legs every month.

Uh, and while you're at it,

let us know when a mom bod is a good thing.

Flute, you didn't have to k*ll him!

We were turning them back to normal guys.

Right, yeah. Hmm.

Well, it's a parody episode, so I don't think

any of this stuff is, like, canon.

And here he is, for all to see.

Not gonna be ashamed anymore.

I'm proud of my ugly dead husband.

As you should be.

But maybe we just cover him when we eat lunch.

You know, it's good to see
your old confidence back.

And I'm never losing it again.

Time to finally love myself for once.

For once?

Martinez, shh. My moment.

Yep, this could be the year
I open my heart to love,

friendships, and maybe even a heart surgeon.

Things are not doing well in there.

But it's about time I try something new.

I like the sound of that.

Keep it in your pants, Martinez.

It's not gonna happen with us.

What? I'm not attracted to you.

Hey, I get it. You had to sh**t your shot.

Ugh, I should've let you die.

Hey, good picture of you, Flute.

What? Are you crazy, Mutated Gene?

You think that looks like me?

Like I'd ever fall in love
with a guy who looks like him.

I think your brain is mutated.

It is.

It all is.