38x02 - Diary of a Chimpy Kid

[bunniefuu]

So, based on the story of Moses,

how many of the Ten Commandments
did my ex-husband Bill break?

If I am to understand
"covet" correctly, five.

Her spray tan was on my sheets.

[whimpers] Just watch a video.

Itchy and Scratchy
in Sunday school?

It's a miracle.

[all cheering]

[Bart]
Chest bump!

[God]
Abraham, take your son Isaac

to the land of Moriah

and make him a sacrifice
unto me.

Stab the baby in the face.

[God]
Halt! You have proven
you love God.

I bless you
and will multiply your seed

like the stars of heaven.

♪ Smite, smite, smite,
then they're saved ♪

♪ God is the king of kings! ♪

[Bart]
Hmm?

What is this "nice" crap?

I want to see tummy ketchup.

Why the hell are Itchy
and Scratchy shilling for God?

Why the hell are Itchy and
Scratchy shilling for God?!

I'd never approve that.

How can they use my cartoons
without my permission?

Because Itchy and Scratchy
is so old

that the copyright has expired.

Now they're in
the public domain.

Anyone can use their image
or likeness for free.

Free don't burn holes
in my septum.

Well, it's not just
your characters.

The same thing has happened
to such beloved properties

-as Babar the Elephant...
-What?

-...Popeye...
-Oh, no.

-...even Winnie-the-Pooh.
-Oh, not Pooh.

This is a financial calamity.

Oh, I'm kind of into
that lady kangaroo, though.

They're stealing my money!

Oh, there's something
about a skinny kangaroo.

Well, if you don't want the rest
of your show

to go into the public domain,

you have to modify your IP.

Put an original spin
on your existing characters.

Original, huh?

I'll do what Warner Brothers,
Disney and the Muppets did

when they needed new
and original.

♪ ♪

Okay, Baby Krusty,

you hit Baby Mel with the pie,

juggle a chainsaw,
a bowling ball and Baby Teeny,

then give me a big
Jack Benny take to camera three.

And action.

[chimp hooting softly]

Cut!

You call that comedy?

Do you see me laughing?

Do you see anyone laughing?

-Well, do you?!
-[crying]

Why didn't somebody warn me

never to work
with babies or animals?

[groans]

You're fired.
Plant a blind item in the press

saying he got fresh
with the craft services lady.

You, headphones,
take this no-talent back

to the jungle
or wherever it came from.

Don't worry, little fella.

I'll find you the perfect home.

Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?

Someone left a baby chimp in one
of those little book houses.

[whimpering]

[gasps] He's so cute.

Look at his little
tiny finger pads.

-Where'd he come from?
-Who cares?

If he's in here,
he's up for grabs.

You and I could actually
have a baby chimp.

We could turn the upstairs
into a monkey playground.

We can grow Tarzan vines
for him.

How long do Tarzan vines take
to grow?

[Bart]
I don't know. We'll pay a guy.

We can turn Maggie's stroller
into a monkey mobile.

And put bananas
in the cup holder.

This just feels so right.

This is our moment.

Open the door.

I'm opening the door.

Oh, he nuzzled me!

He fist-bumped me.

-We've got a monkey.
-We've got a monkey.

[both]
We've got a monkey!

Hmm.

[chitters]

And we could replace my bed
with monkey bars.

My mind is sweaty with ideas

for chimp Christmas cards.

Mom, Dad, the most amazing thing
just happened.

We found a tiny chimp
in a tiny house.

Isn't that so lucky?

It's the luckiest thing
that ever happened.

A chimpanzo?

Kids, you've got to find
that animal's owner.

We did find its owner-- us.

He was abandoned,
and we rescued him.

We named him Mr. Goodboy
because he's such a good boy.

He is. Such a great name, Lis.

[both]
Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy.

Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy.

We can't keep a monkey
in the house.

That's got to be
the kind of lesson

our family has learned
at some point.

Oh, I know.

A pet chimp is the worst idea
in the world.

But look. It's the first time

I've ever seen them yelling
with each other,

not at each other.

-[yowling]
-Aw, check it out.

The cat loves Mr. Goodboy.

They could get married.

Just give it time.

This will fall apart
before we know it.

One diaper change for Bart,
and he's out.

The first monkey tick that Lisa
finds in her bed, end of story.

So we just sit back,
let the situation implode,

and the kids think
it's their fault

we're sending the monkey back
to Iceland

or wherever it came from.

Chimp-mate.

The rumors are true:

The sloppy joe is made...

from monkey meat.

[all screaming]

[hooting]

[screeches]

[whimpering]

Mr. Goodboy, are you okay?

[coughing]

Stupid kids. You got to pluck
the fur off before you flour it.

Oh, why did I use you
as an expendable prank prop,

like some sort of Milhouse?

From here on out, I promise
I'll do everything I can

to keep you out of danger.

I want to make sure
you're hitting your social

and emotional milestones,

so let's check out
Mom's parenting books.

Ugh. That didn't work.

That couldn't work.

That led to Bart smoking a pipe.

Free Range Parenting.

They never even
unwrapped this one.

Let me see. "Give a child space

"to make their own mistakes,

and they'll grow up
with less anxiety."

I have so much anxiety,

mainly that
I've been raised wrong.

Mr. Goodboy,
I'm going to give you free range

to learn from your own mistakes.

And now you've learned
how money tastes.

[chuckles]

Are we sure this bubble bath
is safe for him?

You're such a worrywart
all of a sudden.

Look, the label says
it's tested on monkeys.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

Our kids have become
responsible.

Oh, we'd better figure out
how to take care of a chimp.

I'll get us a book.

A book? Oh, my eyes get so tired

going right, right, right,
then-- [sighs]-- left.

How about an audiobook?

My drive time belongs
to Moe's podcast.

He commits crimes,
then solves them

with the help of the Internet.

Okay, then we'll watch
a documentary.

Shark Week, but chimp week?

Fine, a YouTube video.

Yes! Come get me after the ad.

[narrator]
Baby chimps
are undeniably cute,

highly intelligent

and bond with humans
quite easily.

It's no wonder people are
tempted to adopt them.

-[bell dings]
-Oh, that's the laundry.

You keep watching.

-[sinister music playing]
-[narrator] However,

as chimps mature,
they can become violent

-and dangerous.
-[snarls]

[whimpers]

Adult chimps have a pull force

ten times stronger than a man's

and huge canines
that turn their bite

into a devastating weapon.

-[whimpering]
-Luckily,

chimps only attack
when provoked.

[sighs]

Except for the chimps
who live with humans.

-[shrieks]
-The mature chimp

perceives his human caretaker
as a threat

and unmasks him
by tearing off his face.

-[shrieks]
-Or biting off a man's genitals.

[suppressed retching]

-[screams]
-Nothing provokes

a chimp's bloodlust more

than a male human
he perceives as a rival.

[laughs]
No. No, no, no, no, Mr. Goodboy.

That's my wedding ring.

You can't marry me,
because I'm married to Homer,

the biggest, strongest male
in the house.

[Homer whimpering]

There he is now--
the banana winner of the family.

You're a primate,
but he's my prime mate.

-[hooting]
-[Homer whimpering]

[Bart]
Okay,

this kitchen is
officially chimp-proof.

-[clattering, Mr. Goodboy yelps]
-Oh, no.

Mr. Goodboy.

-[whimpering]
-[running footsteps]

-What happened?
-It's okay.

It was just one little monkey
jumping on the bed.

He fell down
and bumped his head.

Well, I called the doctor,
and the doctor said,

"No more monkeys
jumping on the bed."

He's fine. He jumped
and got a little boo-boo.

It's barely an owie.

This book taught me:

"Don't hover,
let them discover."

You should love that.
You're the bad-boy risk-taker.

Yes, and it's a miracle
I'm alive.

Just look at my knees.

-Ew!
-Right?

We have to be super careful.

Well, this says kids need
to overcome their own obstacles,

and his biggest obstacle
is your parental smothering!

It's our job to protect him

from cuts and burns
and adult situations.

It's our job to let him fall
so he can learn to get back up!

We can't fight
in front of the little guy.

Everything's perfect.
We're happy family.

[both]
We love you, Mr. Goodboy.

[Lisa and Bart grunting]

Marge, hypothetically,
if I were to lose either my face

or my snuggle factory,
which would you keep?

-Snuggle factory.
-What?

Well, when we're snuggling,
I could try

to imagine
another person's face,

for the first time ever.

-Whose face would you imagine?
-Seth Meyers.

Whoa. You sure had that
ready to go.

[sighs] He just seems
like he never has to shave.

Oh, come on. Who would yours be?

Martha Stewart.
She'd make me a great meal,

then boss me around a little.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[yawning]

[screams]

♪ ♪

No! It was a monkey surgeon!

[chimps laughing maniacally]

What in the world
are you browsing?

[Homer]
Hockey masks and codpieces.

I've got to protect
our most valuable possessions

from ferocious chimp rage:

my Homer face
and my trouser fruit.

That's ridiculous.
He's just a baby.

Honey, every scrotum-shredding
chimp starts out

as an adorable baby
until one day they snap.

Just think,
if worse comes to worst,

how would I write my name
in the snow?

[Lisa]
You're coddling him!

[Bart]
You're giving him bad habits!

What's all this fighting?

Stupid Lisa gave Mr. Goodboy
a pacifier.

He just grabbed one of Maggie's.

Yeah, and she's a junkie
on the pipe.

[Maggie whimpering]

The only thing
that's traumatizing him

is all this yelling!

Was there ever a time
when this worked?

Kids, it sounds like

you're finding parenting
is a lot of responsibility.

It does put a real strain
on relationships.

When's the last time
you two just went out

and saw a movie together?

It's hard to admit, but maybe

we are in over our heads.

You're right.

We need professional help.

[Lisa]
Definitely.

They're going to therapy?

What if they work things out?

Has it ever worked for us?

How could it work?
You spent the whole last session

picking apart my Airbnb choices.

Read one review
before you book! I beg you!

Great. You have fun with that

while Lisa and I get
some professional advice.

-Nelson?
-Where's Ms. Story?

Like art class,
the music program,

and Milhouse on his way
to lunch, she got defunded.

However,
I've had lots of these sessions,

so I decided to switch sides.

What are you struggling with?

We're co-parenting a baby chimp.

I'm trying
to expand his horizons,

and Bart is trying
to stifle them.

How does that statement
make you feel, Bart?

Annoyed, I guess.

Mm-hmm.

How does this make you feel?

-[grunts]
-Ow!

Interesting.

Look, you two were raised
in a troubled home.

Can we agree on that?

-Yes.
-It's true.

Plus, it's not natural
for a kid to have two parents.

How about we un-purple
the nurple for a second

and wedgie up this relationship?

What I'm hearing is that both
of you love this monkey so much.

I love that you love
Mr. Goodboy.

I love that you love him, too.

Well, I'm afraid
that's our time,

because I'm so bored
with your stupid problem.

It's gonna take some work,
but I think we can do this.

It's a process, but in the end,

we're going to be
better parents.

Where's Mr. Goodboy?

[Bart]
Oh, no. He's gone!

♪ ♪

[camera clicks]

I'm trying to buy a car.

[camera clicks]

[hisses]

[hooting]

Ach.

Oh, my God, we lost Mr. Goodboy.

[both]
This was your fault!

Mr. Goodboy ran away from
school, and we can't find him!

Me and my stupid

free-range parenting.

I should have put a tracker
on his collar.

Wait, wait.
I did put a tracker on him.

-Why didn't you tell me that?
-I just remembered.

I'm new to being an annoying
control freak like you.

God, you must be exhausted
all the time.

I am.

[Lisa]
There's Mr. Goodboy.

He's inside some sort
of compound.

"Freedom Chimps:
A Libertarian Backyard Safari

and Doomsday sh**ting Range."

What the hell is that?

We are fighting for freedom...
of wild animals.

And they choose
to use that freedom

to take selfies with you.

Come, interact
with chimps, lions,

and a dolphin in a bathtub.

And unlike government zoos,

you're free
to stick your fingers

in any of our cages.

Stick 'em all the way in.

It's a zoo that exploits animals
for profit!

-So... a zoo.
-[gasps]

Mr. Goodboy's already
on their site.

[Bart]
But how did they chimp-nap him?

We got a call
about a wild baby chimp

roaming around this school.

Clark's gonna rescue him
using the latest

in animal recovery technology.

-[grunts]
-[Mr. Goodboy gasps]

[Mr. Goodboy hooting]

We got to get him back!

But I just put a frozen
chicken potpie in the oven.

Microwave it.

Soggy crust?

I'd rather eat it frozen.

Oh, I can't stop thinking

about Mr. Goodboy
in that terrible place.

Every moment
he's locked up is like

my stomach's being noogied
from the inside.

Oh, sweeties,

usually, people don't learn this
until they're a parent.

Every time your child suffers,
you feel the pain.

Just like voodoo dolls.

And it's harder for you two.

Unlike normal parents,
you chose to have this kid.

Bart, you were right.

I should have been
more protective of Mr. Goodboy.

That's why we lost him.

No, he ran away
because I was too overbearing.

I wouldn't let him
watch Seinfeld.

Jerry eats
too much sugar cereal.

We couldn't help it.

We didn't know
what we were doing.

Well, the real problem is

we have no model
for good parenting.

Well, I guess that last
Mother's Day card was all a lie.

Who are all these people?

-PETA activists?
-[Lisa] No.

Competing documentarians.

Out of my way. I directed
the third Fyre Festival doc!

I directed the second Theranos.

Hey, hey, Sam Bankman-Fried
polycule doc coming through.

[screeching and hooting nearby]

Oh, that sounds
like Mr. Goodboy.

Oh, man.
That's a lot of groin grabbers.

Mr. Goodboy.

Don't worry, baby,
we'll get you out.

[panicked chattering]

Oh, no.
That's his "I miss my home" ook.

Mr. Goodboy, here's the key.

Unlock the door.

[gulps]

Don't worry.
That'll come out later,

just like Mom's lip balm did.

[groans]

[chattering and hooting]

[shrieks] These aren't babies.

They're three-year-olds.

[Bart and Lisa whimpering]

Marge, I need you
to tell me the combination

to my codpiece lock.

It's in my password manager app.

Just give him
the damn cod-com code.

It's making me do a captcha.

Is a "don't walk" sign
a traffic light?

Yes, foot traffic is traffic!

The code's one-one-one-one.

Hey, monkeys,

chomp on these alpha bits.

[excited hooting and chattering]

Here it is!
Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

["You'll Be in My Heart"
by Phil Collins playing]

♪ 'Cause you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ Yes, you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ From this day on ♪

♪ Now and forevermore ♪

♪ You'll be in my heart ♪

♪ No matter what they say ♪

♪ You'll be here in my heart ♪

♪ Always. ♪

[song fades]

Turns out this place violated


That's their reptile house.

Don't worry,
all the animals are going

to an actual wildlife sanctuary.


chimpanzee habitat.

You may take our monkeys,

but you'll never take
our secret monkeys!

Don't listen to my sister.
There are no secret monkeys.

Or secret tigers.

Or secret tiger-monkey
breeding facility.

Wait.
They're brother and sister?

Oh, yeah. They found
a circus bear cub in a trash can

and devoted their whole lives
to obsessing about animals.

Your hippo dung
showered another kid.

Oh, sure, when he sprays feces
with his tail, he's my hippo.

[whimpering softly]

You know, maybe Mr. Goodboy
should go to that sanctuary.

Yes, it's probably
what's best for him.

Oh, but I'm sure
going to miss him.

Kids, I know it's hard,
but it's a parent's job

to sacrifice anything

to keep their kids
happy and safe.

As you've seen today,
your father,

as much as he loves
his swimsuit area,

he loves you more.

-Aw.
-Aw.

-Ew.
-Ew.

♪ Ooh, you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ You'll be here in my heart ♪

♪ No matter what they... ♪

[reptiles hissing, chittering]

[whirring]

Come on, stupid machine!

Shh!