05x06 - k*ller Kludge/Tricked

[bunniefuu]

[♪ opening theme song playing]

[whispering] ♪ Four, three, two, one ♪

[♪ opening theme song ends]

[Bill] Ah!

Just me, the Kludge, and the open road.

There's no rush in getting back
to Big City.

Maybe we take the scenic route.

- Wait, what is that?
- [brakes screech]

[evil laugh echoes]

[gasps] Could it be...

Ah, looks like the blades
got stuck in this rock.

[screaming]

[gasps] It is!

I never thought I'd see it again.

The hay baler that took my finger.

- [man] Well, I'll be.
- [gasps]

Jumpier than a cat in a room full of
rockin' chairs, ain't ya?

Oh, hey, there. [chuckles nervously]

It's, uh, Charlie, right?

Haven't seen you
since you bought my old hay baler.

Oh, yes, 'twas a fine machine for a time,

but this bucket of bolts stopped runnin'
a while back.

Been sittin' out here
collectin' dust and rust ever since.

[clatters]

Oh, good to hear it.

I ever tell you this thing took my finger?

Oh, yeah. You mentioned
that when I bought it. Several times.

You'll be happy to hear
it'll be off to the scrap yard soon.

The scrap yard. Delightful!

Shame. I never got a chance to...

get even.

- Pardon?
- I mean, doesn't this hay baler

just make you wanna... [grunting]

You know? [chuckles]

Hey, after it's scrapped, could you...

spit on it for me?

No, I don't think I could.

No, I get it. I just...

hate this thing.

Now, Bill, I know this machine
nipped you one good,

but you best be careful.

A man can't act in hatred without losing
a piece of himself.

Take it easy, Bill.

Uh, right. See ya, Charlie.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[growls] Hmm.

[grunts]

- [clatters]
- [groans] Oh, oh.

[clanks]

Now we're even.

[evil laughter echoes]

[playful giggling]

Dad's home!

What the heck happened to the Kludge?

[engine stops]

- [Tilly] Papa!
- Hey, kids!

[grumbles]

- [tires screech]
- [both giggle] Huh?

- [both screaming] Help!
- Whoa!

Kids, are you okay?

What the heck was that?

I don't know.

Something must be up
with the transmission.

I'll get it checked out.

You should get rid of that hunk of junk

before it kills someone.

What? Ma, I'd never get rid of the Kludge.

- It is pretty old, Papa.
- And stinky.

Stinky? Now hold on.

The Kludge is fine.

Everyone stop
besmirching the Kludge.

[Gramma Alice] Tomorrow's
that spooky booky signin'

I've been lookin' forward to.

Can't wait.

I don't know about everyone else,
but I'm getting seconds.

- [humming]
- [deep male voice] Boo!

- Ahhh!
- [shattering]

- Dad, you okay?
- What happened?

I told ya, a plate can only
hold so much food, Bill.

[stutters] The Kludge! It's...

It's... uh...

Bill? What's gotten into you?

Uh, never mind. I'm fine.

Just a little tired.

I should probably turn in, actually.

So what?
He's just not gonna clean that up?

[mumbling] No, no, no, no.

- [wind blows]
- Huh?

How'd I get out here in the country?

[gasps] My finger, it's back!

Kludge?

Kludge!

Look that hay baler didn't get
my finger after all.

[engine rumbles]

Whoa there. What's going on?

[Kludge] We're not even.

Not even? What do you mean?

[Kludge] Your fingers,

give them to me!

The... The hay baler.

Ooh!

[Kludge] I'm hungry.

Please. No, no, no, no.

- [engine roaring]
- [screaming]

[panting]

[sighs] That's it.

I'm sorry to do this, ol' girl,
but you've got

something evil inside ya.

- [lock clicks]
- I'll figure this out.

I just need to find someone
who is crazy enough to believe me,

and awake at 4:00 in the morning.

[♪ Caribbean music playing]

Thanks for coming, Mr. Grigorian.

Some say I am crazy old coot,

but this is what crazy old coots are for.

So this is the possessed vehicle.

I have a very ancient and intricate ritual

to divine supernatural threats.

Anoosh, baby, you smell something spooky?

- [screeches]
- Oh, it is worse than I imagined.

I'm afraid everything you fear is true.

Your beloved truck
is haunted by a dark spirit.

It must have transferred
from the hay baler into your Kludge.

This can't be happening!

What does it want from me?

I think you know what it wants.

No!

This demon will pursue you forever

until it gets all of your fingers.

That is, unless we can expel it.

Yes, that! How do we do that?

Well...

[both chanting]

I cast thee out!

Power of Chrysler compels you!

The power of Chrysler compels you!

Go back from whence you came.

Thine evil spirit has no power here.

[both] Be gone!

[silence]

Did it work?

- [metal clattering]
- [engine revs]

- [scared groaning]
- Ahhh!

[voice on radio] Give... me...

♪ What I want ♪

[both screaming]

This spirit is more powerful
than I expected.

I must consult my ancient tomes of occult
and automotive knowledge.

We will try again.

Till then, do not get in that truck.

[Bill] Mmm.

Don't worry, Kludge.

[yawns] We'll try again in the...

- [Gramma Alice] Bill!
- Ahhh!

What are you doin'?
You were supposed to be up hours ago.

We're gonna miss the book singin'.

What? Book signing?

Yeah. The one I've been waiting for
all spooky season.

Now, up and at 'em.

Oh, I don't think we can go.

The Kludge is in pretty bad shape.

Oh, please. It's fine.

I already pulled it out of the garage.

What?

[panting] No!

Hi, Daddy.

Everyone out! It's not safe.

We know, it's the Kludge.

[Kludge growls quietly]

No, it's really not safe.

Papa, what's wrong?

You've been acting so strange
since you came back from Smalton.

Well...

[inhales] The Kludge
was possessed by the evil hay baler

that took my finger, and now
wants the rest of my fingers.

Dad, that is the craziest thing
you have ever said.

And you once told us
water was clear milk.

I'm not taking you anywhere in that thing.

Then I guess I'm drivin'.

- Sucker.
- Wait, no!

[evil laugh echoes]

First it takes my finger, then my Kludge,

now my whole family?

No! I won't let it.

You know I have doorbell.

Grigorian, my family!

I need your car... and my boot back.

I don't have a car.

I have something better.

- [engine revving]
- Whoa!

[horns blaring]

Tell me when you see them.

There!

Hold on tight.

[engine revving]

[Bill] Whoa!

- [groans]
- Ahhh! Bill,

what the heck are you doin'?

I'm saving you.

- [Kludge growls]
- What the--

[voice on radio] I... have...

♪ ...your family ♪

- [both screaming]
- Oh, no, you don't.

[all screaming]

Incoming! Avenge me, Bill!

Whoa!

That's it. I'm stopping this crazy ride.

Huh? Stupid brakes are stupid broke.

[Bill] Whoa!

All right, this ends now.

Bill, what the heck is goin' on?

I'm scared.

[evil laughter]

- [grunts]
- [Kludge grumbles]

[horn blaring]

Leave my family alone!

[Kludge] Give me what I want.

You won't stop until you get my fingers?

All right, fine.

Take them. Take them all!

[Kludge] Deal.

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[crashes]

So, that's the whole story then?

That's the whole story.

I know it sounds nutty, but it's all true.

Nutty? Yes.

True. Not even close.

Wait, what?

I suspect your truck's
strange behavior was caused

by a mechanical malfunction.

Didn't you say you crashed
into a hay baler?

[groans]

[Officer Keys] The collision must have
shaken something loose.

And as for all that wacky stuff,

you hit your head pretty hard.

Seems to me you've been hallucinating.

Trust me, I'm no stranger
to head injuries. [laughs]

But... But it was all real, I swear.

Ask Grigorian.
He said the clutch was possessed.

Grigorian? He's crazy enough
without you giving him ideas.

But you all saw it, too.

You were screaming.

We were screaming because of you, Papa.

Yeah, you jumped on a speeding truck
and jammed your hands in the engine.

You don't understand.

The only way I could save your lives
was to sacrifice my...

fingers.

So nothing that happened today was real?

No. All those things happened.

Just not the haunted truck parts.

The truck ain't evil, Bill.

- Just broken?
- Yeah, like your brain.

Come on, let's get you to the hospital.

But what about your book signin'?

I'm sure there'll be another one.

But we're taking a taxi next time.

Sorry about all the trouble, mister...

Organ donor?

Uh, no. My name's Stephen King.

Ah. Right, you are.
Well, it appears the collision

didn't damage your vehicle.

[chuckles] This baby's seen a lot worse.

You wouldn't believe the story
the other guy told me.

A k*ller truck.

[laughs] I mean, what's next?
A murderous laundry press, or--

Hey, man, I've got a book signing
to get to.

Of course, but keep an eye out
for any k*ller vehicles

[laughs]

That only happens in best-selling books...

and Maximum Overdrive.

[evil laughter echoes]

[song playing on radio]

Good thing I fixed the Kludge.

Now I can relax,
knowing it ain't gonna run anyone down.

[Cricket] Hey, Dad!

Ahhh! Cheese and dairy and whole fats!

Please be okay, please be okay,
please be okay!

What?

- Gotcha!
- Surprise!

You're okay.

You're okay?

It's funny because you thought I died.

That's exactly why it's not funny!

I've had it with your pranks.

You're gonna stop right now.

Oh, come now, Papa.

It's Halloween!

- A night of mischief...
- [evil laughter]

- ...and transgression.
- Ah!

Why, even I will indulge
in a bit of trickery

on this most profane of nights.

But Cricket's been pranking people
all month!

- [groans]
- [thuds]

[giggles] Gotcha.

g*dd*mn glasses. [grunts]

- [giggles] Gotcha.
- Who's there?

Someone set off stink bombs in my diner.

- [man screaming]
- I'm financially ruined!

- [giggles] Got--
- [expl*si*n]

Why!

[laughs] Yeah, that last one
got away from me a little bit.

Cricket, your tricks
have gone way too far.

From now on, no more pranks.

Understood?

No more pranks.

Message received!

Hmm.

And ignored. [evil laughter]

What's that popcorn for, Brother?

For this.

Once the engine heats up,

boom! Popcorn everywhere.

[evil laughter]

- Can we go trick or treat now?
- Aight.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[both] Trick or treat!

- I'm a Dracula.
- And I'm Igor. Master.

Cricket, please. No pranks.
I don't want any trouble.

Now, Trey, I think
you know how this works.

You don't want a trick.

Then give us a treat.

Okay, here. Just take it. Take it all.

Attaboy.

[breathing heavily]

[evil laughter]

Happy Hallo-- Oh, Cricket.

[both] Trick or treat, Frank.

You've been causing trouble all month.

Well, guess what,
pranksters don't get treats.

I told you, kids-- Huh?

Where'd they go?

Knowing Cricket,
he must have pulled some kind of prank.

But where is it?

Where's the prank?

What did you scoundrels do?
For the love of Frank,

what did you do?

[both giggling, whispering]
We did nothing.

[groans]

[evil laughter]

When Cricket Green's in town,
the pranks come raining down.

Oh, the sweet joys and terrors
of Halloween.

Looks like this
is the last house in Smalton.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh, yeah. Looks good.

Mmm. I don't know, Brother.

Maybe we should call it a night.

Oh, come on, Till.
What are you worried about?

And look, they left out
a whole bowl of candy.

Free for the taking.

I suppose you're right.

It says, "Take one."

All righty. One candy for me.

And one bowl for me.

- [both giggling]
- Oh, you!

The prank master strikes again.

Oh, man. If only we could see
the look on their face when they--

[thunder rumbling]

Ah, the old fake scarecrow bit.

It's spooky but uninspired.

Ah, the old fake-ax bit too, huh?

Oh, my gosh, this guy is such a hack--

[both] Oh.

[grunts]

[both] That's a real ax! [screaming]

Run!

[both grunting]

[both screaming]

[both panting]

[both groan]

[coughs] Well, that was crazy.

Come on, Till, let's go home.

You said it, Brother.

[owl hooting]

[electrical buzzing]

Uh... Tilly.

[growls]

- [both scream]
- Tilly, run!

- [both panting]
- I think we lost him.

Oh, no, he's chasing us.

Never mind. He disappeared.
No, no, no. He's right behind us.

Let's go, go, go!

Look! Someone there can help us.

- Open up! Open up!
- Help, help!

- [both] Oh!
- Happy Halloween.

Oh, it's you.

Wayne, let us in. There's a freaky
scarecrow trying to k*ll us.

Hey, if you think I'm gonna
fall for another one of your tricks,

then you must think I'm real stupid.

We do. But you can still help us.

Ooh, getting chased by a mysterious k*ller

sure sounds like a Halloween trick.

It's not. He's right over there!

[scarecrow growls]

Ooh, ooh! Now, hold on.

Is this one of them
"made-ya-look" riddles I've heard tell of?

No, Wayne, come on!

Okay, so if you want me
to turn my head that way...

...then that means the way
to outsmart you

is to look the opposite way.

- Wayne, no!
- No, look this way!

- This way!
- No, Wayne!

[growling]

Oh, man. Thanks for nothing, Wayne.

All right, I'll play along.

Let me just look over here.

Ha! I knew it.

Come on, we can lose them in the junkyard.

Okay, we just gotta get home--

[both screaming]

Well, "Ahhh!" yourselves.

Oh, thank goodness.
It's just a creepy old vagrant.

- Please, you gotta help us.
- Call the police.

Police? Why?

Uh, you think I'm stealing?
Well, I'm not!

[objects clattering]

- He's coming!
- [Cricket screaming] Run!

Well, back to stealing.

[grunting softly]

I thought I told you kids to--

Oh, what?

What? What are you...
What... What are you doing?

Oh, good gracious. Wait! [screams]

[continues screaming, groaning]

Okay. So it's probably
too late for that guy.

[man continues screaming, groaning]

Not for us. Let's go!

- [thunder rumbling]
- [both panting]

[both] A crazy psycho ax-swinging
scarecrow is trying to k*ll us!

[thunderclap]

Cricket, what is it now?

We're very busy.

- We were pranking houses--
- There was a big scarecrow--

Cricket just had to steal the guy's candy.

I took a handful at most.

The sign said, "Take one," Papa.

I mean, it was all left out in a big bowl.

And the scarecrow
was rightfully mad at you.

- Oh, so now I'm the bad guy?
- Then he chased us

through the night.

And he started chopping and chopping and--

Enough!
[groans] Dang it, boy.

I told you, no more pranks.

That goes for you, too, Tilly.

I'm not buying it this time.

Why? 'Cause I lie a bunch?

It's true, Papa.

He's out there right now.

Oh, he's outside. Sure.

Well, then, let me just
open the door and take a look.

- [thunder rumbling]
- [Cricket and Tilly scream]

- He's right there!
- That's him. That's him!

Ooh, I'm shakin'.

I'd better go check and see who it is.

- Wait!
- Don't do that!

Ah! The old fake-scarecrow bit, huh?

Oh, he hates when you say that!

This guy's pretty realistic. [chuckles]

Whoa! Careful there. [yelps]

- [thunderclap]
- Papa!

- Bill!
- Bill! Get back, kids.

Stay with your Grandpa.

Ah, don't worry. Your old grandpa's here.

I know just what to do.

- [screaming]
- [sloshes]

- Grampa Nick!
- Oh, come on.

You knew he'd do that.
Here, barricade the door.

[both grunting]

There, that ought to hold 'em.

Wait, did Grampa Nick lock the door
behind him?

[growling]

[both exclaim]

[thunderclap]

- Is that...
- Gramma's sword?

He got Gramma!
Stay back or I'll hit you with

- this!
- [♪ suspenseful music playing, stops]

- Or this!
- [♪ suspenseful music playing, stops]

[groans] Who do we have
so many pillows?

Papa likes them, I don't know!

[growling]

- [grunts]
- [sword slashes]

- [growls]
- Hey, that worked.

- Cricket, go!
- [Cricket panting]

- [both grunt]
- All this over some candy?

[screams] We're trapped. What do we do?

The only thing we can do.

Beg for our lives!

Please don't hack us up.
I don't want to be itty bitty Cricky bits.

The escape tree!

I'm just a little boy!

- [growling]
- [door creaks]

Be careful, it's slippery.

Hurry! He's coming.

- Whoa!
- [both screaming]

- [thuds]
- [tilly grunts]

Thank goodness, my hunch broke my fall.

- [wearily] Yeah.
- What do we do now?

- [both gasp] The Kludge!
- [♪ thrilling music playing]

[gasps] Dad left the keys!

- [both panting]
- Let's go, let's go!

[engine starts, revs]

What are you waiting for?
Get us out of here!

No. We've been running all night.

That psycho is just gonna keep
coming for us.

As soon as he walks through that door,

I'm gonna run him down.

[revving]

[♪ thrilling music
intensifies]

- Now!
- [engine accelerating]

[screaming]

[both grunting]

[both groan]

Did you get him?

- I don't know.
- [thuds]

[both scream]

Kids! Thank goodness you're all right.

- Dad!
- Papa!

Now, let's get out of here.
The k*ller might still be--

[Cricket] Dad?

[both screaming]

Gotcha!

Gotcha?

It's funny because you thought I died.

- Us too.
- You can't k*ll me.

Boy, you should see the look on your face.

[whimpering]

Yeah, it's me, your ol' Grampa Nick.

But how?

You were inside when
the scarecrow was on the lawn.

When one of the scarecrows
was on the lawn.

But... but how?

You see, Cricket, people were
so sick of your pranks,

when folks heard
we wanted to tick you back,

literally everyone
wanted to be a part of it.

Yeah. Even Jerry.

That's right. My name is Jerry.

Wow! What an amazing prank.

Isn't it wonderful, Cricket?

[scoffs] Yeah.

You were right, Dad. Pranks are bad.

No, Cricket, you were right.

Pranks are fun!

Yeah, it really brought
the whole town together.

[all] ♪ Spooky, scary, creepy crawly ♪

♪ Don't sing, witches bring us fear ♪

♪ Fog, ooze, gore, fangs ♪

♪ Ghouls eat your brains ♪

♪ Halloween is finally here ♪

♪ Goblins, witches, corpses... ♪

Happy Halloween.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs ♪

♪ Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs ♪

♪ Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪