01x04 - Sexy Car Wash

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no, I thought they caught
that streaker guy.

You grab one,

another one pops up.
- Yeah!

Girls, uh...
it's the league commissioner.

Let me handle this.

Uh, hello there, sir. What's up?

Was there a slo pitch crime,
or something?

The Brovaries' league fees
are three weeks late.

I'm so sorry. I can e-transfer
that to you right now.

We have a new sponsor, usually
our sponsor pays the dues.

And she won't pay for anything,
if you know what I mean.

Anyways, how much is it?

It's $1,500.

What?
- Dude!

- $1,500?
- That's right.

Jesus. Uh...

Okay, I don't have that kind of
money lying around,

can-can we figure something out?

I was gonna lock you guys out
weeks ago, okay?

But my new lady friend,
who is smokin' hot,

big red hair, so kind,
she urged leniency,

because she's too good
for this earth.

She's an angel.

- Okay.
- But enough is enough.

Thank you for your lovely
lady's leniency, um...

Could we... could you just
freeze it for like a week?

And we can get
a little practice--

Whoa! Absolutely not.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, no!

Not one Brovary
is entering this field

for a practice
or a single game!

Until the fees are paid.

Okay?
- Got it.

In full. I have a job to do.
You understand?

- We get it, thank you.
- Yup.

Okay?

- Guys, come on.
- Okay.

Ann, could you spot me?

Sorry, I'm not liquid right
now. Otherwise I would.

Okay, anybody else?
Can we pool our assets?

- Don't got any.
- We should go look

for the buried treasure
under the Public Lass!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh!

You know, the old owner has
a secret stash, right?

Guys, I was thinking about
something more immediate?

And real.

Ooh! There's a sign on the
telephone pole right there,

that says something
for Slappy Sistas that says

we could make big money
in mere hours,

training included.
Check it out!

- Oh sh*t.
- Hey...

This is not a bad jumping off
point, Boris.

Using our bodies
to make money?

Welcome to the
Brovaries first ever

sexy car wash fundraiser!

Water pressure's down again.

Oh, my God!

We've been washing Joanne's
car for an hour

without any real customers.

I don't know, maybe we're
just not hot enough.

Yes, we are!

And we're having fun!

Whoo! Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

Yeah, you're right.

Joanne looks pretty cute in
her khaki shorts too!

Sasha definitely thinks so!
I saw her staring at you.

You like them, right, Sasha?

- Yup.
- Yeah!

Yeah, well you know what they
say. Khaki makes 'em whacky.

- Funny.
- Yeah.

Gonna go fix the hose.

All right, let's sex it up!

Did you see that?

Sasha flirting?

Okay, look. I may be reading
into this,

but, uh, she texted me
this yesterday. Um...

"Joanne, I need to tell
you something

and please don't freak out.

I have bed humps."

I looked it up
on Urban Dictionary,

it means exactly what
you think it means.

She's coming over
tomorrow night.

I gave her a key to my house.

I'm not... I know what
you're thinking.

I'm not thinking that.

First customer of the day, guys!
Look sharp.

b*tch, ew...

Would you believe me if I told
you that I had sex with her once

in that monster truck?

Though I must say, I'm having
a bit of a tough time

securing a follow-up
romp with that.

That's too bad.
I know.

I'm gonna try something new
this week, though.

I learned about this new
jealousy method on this podcast.

Jealousy method?

Yeah, Fake Girlfriend method.

Watch and learn.

Hey, Barbara!
Nice to see you!

It's, uh... too bad
you're a little bit late,

you just missed
my girlfriend.

She really wanted to meet you
'cause she's 21, and a model.

- Girlfriend?
- Yup.

Why are you all half-naked?

Uh... it's our
sexy carwash fundraiser!

Uh... assistant manager Steve
said you were cool with it?

Steve. I gotta fire him.

He's an idiot.

Well, old Juicy Moosey's
having fun!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God,

I told him to take
that thing to the dump!

The t*ts are so long!

Put a shirt on her!

All right? And the same goes
for the rest of you!

- Want us to wash your car?
- Yeah.

Okay, I can't stay, though,
I have to go to church.

Ooh, yes. You're very
dressed up.

Kind of reminds me of something
my girlfriend might wear,

only hers would be younger,
you know,

more revealing.

Well, I'm not gonna dress
like a sl*t

to give a speech at my niece's
first communion, am I?

You know,
my girlfriend might.

All right, look,
not a scratch.

I just got the seats
reupholstered,

I'll be in the bar.

Boris, what are you doing?
You don't have a girlfriend.

I know, I made one up

to make her jealous.
And I think it's gonna work.

Mel thinks it will work.
Right, Mel?

Mel, don't be so...

Don't be such
a good time! Yeah!

I love this plan!
It's totally gonna work!

Ann changed by name in the
team group chat to Mrs. No Fun.

I didn't even know
you could do that.

I'm and tired of people calling
me a buzz k*ll just because

I wanna make sure that everyone
has a safe and fair...

You know what? No.
It doesn't matter.

Because today...

I'm fun Zari.

Woo-hoo!

Free beer!

Ann, gimme a glass of
chardonnay. Something crisp.

Nothing oaky. Ice cold.

Do you have anything back
there from Cote de Beaune?

Uh... no. What?

All right, well, tell me what
the people drink then.

I don't know, they're listed
in the back here.

We got two whites.

There's a dry one
and a sweet one.

Gosh, okay, well, then just
give me a Pinot Grigio,

that'll have to do.
I'm writing a speech

for my niece's first communion.

You haven't started
writing yet?

Well, no, I've got writers'
block 'cause of all the pressure

my big, dumb, Catholic Italian
family is putting on me.

It's stupid sh*t.

- Yeah, totally.
- Okay, yeah.

Okay, so... all right.

God, that's bad.

Yeah, get right in
there, underneath the hood, huh?

Oh, yeah!

- You know what that mean.
- Yup.

- Why behind a Taco Bell?
- Yikes.

Guess it's a bad sign when
your hose is dry and limp.

Hey ladies!

Well, we could maybe get
a little--

Oh... guys, customers!

Yeah!
- Uh-oh, uh-oh,

get ready for a catcall.

- Come on!
- Here we go.

Hey!

How much to put your
clothes back on?

- Oh!
- Put 'em back on!

Very funny.
- $1,500!

Mel...

That's how much we're trying
to raise, isn't it?

Yeah, but we're not
that desperate! Come on.

And we're still hot! So don't
listen to them, okay?

Okay, I know I brought it up
already, but it would be so fun

if we actually did go look for
the Public Lass treasure.

- Yes!
- Zari!

Please, all right,

you're supposed to be
the smart one.

That's a story that
the old owner made up.

"There's always money
in the kilt!"

The clue about the treasure!
- Yes!

It's written above
the left-handed urinal.

Apparently, it's been there
since before I was born.

Ooh...
- See? Think about how

exciting it would be if we
all just spontaneously

stopped doing this carefully
thought-out activity

and abandoned it
to do something else!

- Yes!
- No!

No, we're not abandoning! No!

We're not hunting
for buried treasure!

Sorry, Sasha! I...
The hose is back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll get a towel for you.

Okay, uh, well...

It's on, so let's just finish
her off, yeah?

Yeah, you're all wet.

- Yo!
- Oh!

Nice!

Check how big these cup
holders are.

Shade... Nice
leather upholstery!

You could sleep in here!

- Look at this.
- Look at all these buttons!

I saw the clue last week
because I was so margarita tipsy

I accidentally went into
the men's bathroom,

but I was like, "Who cares?
This is so much fun!"

The old owners? Come on!
They went bankrupt!

If they had a bunch of cash...

Just lying around the...

They-they wouldn't sell their
beloved bar...

- Yo, coach!
- Uh, Joanne.

Joanne!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no, no, no...

It's soaked.
It's f*cking soaked.

Oh.

Got some writersrs block the?

Okay, so...

"Carmelita," that's her name.

"I am so proud of you."

I can't say that.

Do I need to say that?

My father never told me he loved
me and I'm fine!

- Hey, Barb!
- God.

Are you done with my car?

No. Uh... we are taking
our time

with your sweet ride.
- Oh, nice.

I just wanna make sure
you're getting

the luxury treatment here.

- Okay.
- Ann, can I have a word?

Yeah. Totally.

Here, have those.
They're from France.

Oh. Paris. Enchantée.

- What's wrong?
- I need you to keep her here

as long as possible.
- What? Why?

We flooded her car.

You flooded Barb's car?

Shh!
It was nobody's fault.

It was Zari.

And also Boris.

All right,
I'm going to Olive Garden.

This Canadian wine, it's so
uninspiring, you know?

Also these nuts?
They don't taste French,

they taste local.

Oh, that's, uh...
But you know what, Barb? Um...

We... we just had
a shipment of wine

from the-the wine rep today.

It's all whites.

You should stick around,
try them all!

Shipment? What wine rep?

Well, whatever.
Where they from?

- Spain.
- No.

Uh... and Paraguay.

Okay. Okay, so...

all right. Okay.
- Yeah.

- Paraguayans.
- Yeah, yeah! Absolutely.

- Enjoy!
- Thank you.

"Carmelita..." Carmelita.

I don't know,
she's got a large head.

Is that good or bad?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guys, guys, guys!

Listen. I bought us some time.
All right?

Here's the plan.
Lee, inside with Ann,

keep Barb off the scent.

Mel, Zari, drum up
some business.

Babe.

- Babe?
- Sasha?

Oh, me?

Yeah, go get your hairdryers.

Let's go!

- Yeah...
- Uh, okay.

Car wash!
Who wants a car wash?!

Let's go! We got water!

- We got t*tties! We got cars!
- Bring it our way!

Okay, I know this is disaster,
but, um...

Sasha and I tag teaming

crisis management
before our big night.

Ay, ay, ay.

Mamma mia, pizzeria.

Yeah. Teamwork as foreplay? Wow.

I mean, send me to prison,
officer. That's a crime

I'm gonna commit.
You know? Ah!

Uh... so my car isn't normally
like this,

I just found out that
I have bed bugs.

Super gross.

I did tell Joanne
'cause I knew that she wouldn't

be grossed out by it
and I was definitely right,

'cause, uh...

she took that as an invitation
to give me these.

Keys! To her home.

Said I could stay
as long as I wanted.

I'm sorry but I just... I do not
do the whole U-Haul thing.

You know what? I'm an idiot.
I really...

I thought that we could be
maybe casual, and, uh...

Joanne... does not do casual.
And I do not do relationships.

Not since the last one.
That was, uh...

bad, that was...

Really bad. Anyway, um...

It is time to de-escalate
this budding romance.

f*ck!

I got hers and hers
toothbrushes!

What?

Hers and hers!

Um... Joanne,
I think we need to talk.

Yeah?

Joanne, look, I'm really
grateful you didn't freak out

when I told you about--

Oh, my God, Sasha. It's fine,
it's totally fine.

Yeah, I too may have
had a case of the bed humps

in my college days.

Bed humps?

I had to look it up
on Urban Dictionary.

And...

uh... what did it say?

You want me to
say it right now?

Uh... bed bugs?

What?

Bed bugs.

I have bed bugs.
That's what I texted you about.

See...

Oh. Okay. I-I see.

Bugs was changed to humps,
that's uh...

Autocorrect is...

That's funny.

Okay, right!
Okay, yeah, yeah!

Oh, my God, yeah.
You need a couch.

Uh, I got a good couch!

I have a couch you can stay
on and that key,

the key I gave you, um...
it's just a spare key

so, like, you can just
give that to me whenever.

Woah!

One of you is actually
kinda hot!

But only one!

Wonder who they're
talking about.

Probably me, right?

Remember Boris
has a girlfriend.

She's 21, she's a model.

Yes, okay! Also FYI,
Barb thinks she's drinking

some expensive a*s wine
from Paraguay,

but she's actually having
the Ontario "Zesty Besty White."

Hello! I just had to take
a little... powder my nose.

Okay.

Is that Chablis?
It's a lower percentage, right?

The one from the Guayrá
region? Uh, yeah, yeah.

How did you know?
- I'm not feeling the buzz.

I write better buzzed.

Let me try the Vestini
Palagrello Bianco.

Let's get that going.

That's right, that's great.

We'll do the Argentinian wine
this time.

So Boris has a girlfriend?

Oh, yeah! The sexy model.

Well, she must be pretty dumb.

Actually, no, she's like...
it's crazy.

It's like her huge breasts are
as big as her huge brain.

Don't models usually
have small t*ts?

Yeah, but she's so famous they
were like,

"Ma'am, you can
have 'em both."

"Gigantic brain
and gigantic t*ts."

Yeah, okay. I think I get it.
Stop distracting me, I'm busy.

God! Why is this so hard?

It's like this sentimental
family sh*t is disgusting,

it's just bad!

You know who'd actually be
able to give you

some really great pointers?

Please tell me,
I could really use the help.

- Boris' girlfriend!
- Yes!

Yeah! She's such
a good speech writer!

Yeah, I get it, okay.
Boris has an amazing girlfriend.

And she's so in love.

They are so in love!
It's so cute!

- Dude!
- It's totally working!

Wow, check that.

Ew...

Ready to have some fun?

Sure.

Hi there!

Do you have a moment to talk
about a good time for charity?

What's up, pop?
Beautiful body on this wagon.

She's really classy,
but she's dirty.

Needs a good soapy hand job.

H-hand job?

Yeah, we're doing them
in the parking lot

behind the Public Lass!

Could even get under the hood.
Full service, if you like.

No, thank you. I'm married.

It's a charity.

It's a car wash for charity!
It-it's a charity car wash!

I feel you, you need
to check in with the wife

before we give you a good dip
and soak? I respect it.

Yeah... wife.
That's married.

Thank you.
Have a good day, sir.

He thinks we're prostit*tes!
Sex workers!

- What the f*ck?
- Ladies of the night!

Or like a lady and a they/them
of the night!

I ain't no f*ck' lady!

$1,500?

Why does everyone want
$1,500 from me?

Um, yeah, I know it's
a rush job!

But is it really that much
to reupholster a chair?

I kinda set it on fire
with a hair dryer

because this hot,
wet woman...

Actually. Uh, you got any,
um...

rates for pretty girls?

Yeah, that makes sense,
and, uh... I apologize.

Thank you so much, sir.
I will be there in 20 minutes.

Sasha thinks I'm stupid.

Bed humps? Bed humps!
What is that?

It's not a thing!
The sound of traffic. Right?

Okay, let's go! Let's go!

Okay, I'm just like find
my life partner right now!

I don't wanna join a run club.

Mm. God, that is disgusting.

- Hey!
- What?

So Joanne just texted,

she's stuck in traffic but she's
gonna be back soon.

Uh, how's it going with Barb?

So good. We made her literally
sick with jealousy.

She's in the bathroom right now.
- Hmm. Might've been the wine.

The point is you just gotta
put the cherry on top!

Oh, and we told her that
your girlfriend's

a motivational speaker
for children.

Genius.

Hello! Honey? Hi.

Get me a water,
I gotta get outta here.

Yes, Alexis. My girlfriend,
my girlfriend, my girlfriend.

God, I can't stop saying that.

How is your model sh**t
going at the CN Tower?

Oh! They wanna pay you
more money?

And they want you to do that
speech for the orphans?

Fantastic news! Listen,
I'm glad you called because

there's something I actually
wanted to ask you.

Uh, would you...

want to get married?

I was thinking about
that speech

that you were practising
on me last night,

and I knew I had to make
you my wife!

What was that one line again?

Ugh! Beautiful. I gotta tell
my friends that.

Ann, Lee, listen to this line
my girlfriend wrote.

"You only get one shot,

do not miss your
chance to blow,

this opportunity comes
once in a lifetime."

- Oh, my God!
- Wow.

- That's incredible!
- No! Oh, f...

I know! She's a genius.
I think we should elope.

Goodbye, girlhood.
Goodbye, sex.

Goodbye, love.

- Oh.
- Yo!

Show us your t*ts!

Are you talking to me?

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- Oh, my God!
- sh*t!

Joanne!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Oh, my God! Joanne!
- What the f*ck happened?

- Oh, my God!
- What is...

Oh, my God, f*ck!

Yo!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God!

The money was in the kilt!

The moose kilt!
The legend was true!

Wait, wait, wait! How much
do you think this is?

Oh, definitely enough
for the league fees!

Oh, yeah!

Wait, where-where's Barb?

Right here.

Um...

Wait. We...

We...

You raised all that?

Yes, we did.

- Wow.
- Yup.

This is the type of moment
that really calls for a speech.

First of all, I just wanna
say how proud I am

of all of you.

Nobody thought you
could do this!

But you didn't give up!

You showed up, you worked hard,
you took a risk! Guess what?

That work? That risk? It worked
out! Because, look!

So, you know, I'm just so struck
by today. It's the love!

You know? The love that you
have for your team!

Because when you find love,
when you find someone...

something... you gotta
go after it.

Because listen up,
if you don't...

it could just... it could find
somebody else.

Congratulations!

Yeah.

Barbara, that speech
was amazing.

Much better than anything
my girlfriend

could've ever written.

Yeah, I know it was. I just
needed a little something

called inspiration.

Where are my keys?

I have to go my niece and say
that speech again right now.

- Barbara, I have to tell you--
- That's enough. Guess what?

I don't know whatever it is this
little game that you're playing,

but I'm not buying it, mister.

And your girlfriend?

She stole that line
from a white rapper.

- But--
- Yeah.

Keys! Right now!

Yes!
- No.

Sorry, I don't wanna be
the Fun Police again,

but I have to draw
the line at drunk driving.

Wow, okay.

Oh! What a relief!

Trying to be fun, and relaxed,
and easygoing

is very exhausting.

Ah! I feel great.

Well, okay, Mrs. Narc.

I guess you're gonna
drive me then.

Boring!

Mrs. Narc.
It's got a ring to it.

Uh, just...
keep the windows down.

- Yup!
- Yeah. Thank you in advance.

Gotta give my speech to my
family now.

- Barb, put your seatbelt on.
- Yup!

The car reeks! Is that me?

Guess your plan didn't
work out.

Slow burn, big Melly.
Just wait.

Tonight, she'll be
eating her mom's spaghetti

and not understand why the only
thing she can think about

is Boris.

Well, well, well.
You know what?

You guys got a lot of nerve.

Listen, ma'am, we're sorry.
About the moose and the car.

And for talking
so disrespectfully

about your t*tties.

We only did it for
our YouTube channel.

Huh?

Yeah, okay, it's this
video channel where we do

these pranks but the videos that
get the most views

are the ones where
we're rude to women.

It's a really bad positive
feedback loop,

'cause we actually
fully respect women.

Like, fully respect. You know,
women in their 30s.

Yeah, sure, sure...

Yeah, so... like, you guys
didn't actually wanna...

Want me to show you my t*ts?

- No!
- Definitely not.

No. We just wanna make this
absolutely clear,

we did not
wanna see your bitties.

- I get it.
- Yeah.

I got it.

But we were just talking
about how you have,

like, this...
irresistible inner glow.

- Yeah. Radiant inner beauty.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

And it would be our honour to
give you 30%

of the profits we make
on this video.

Yeah?

Yeah!

"Milf Prank Reaction
Complication."

- Should be a lot!
- Yeah!

Let's go!

Uh, let's workshop
that name, though. Yeah?

Joanne! We are rich, like the
peanut man who has a monocle!

Yeah!

$3,852.46!

That's enough for the seat
repair! And the league fees!

I am so sorry I doubted you
guys about the buried treasure.

Hey, I mean, it was really
Zari's idea.

To Juicy Moosey!

Who taught me
an important lesson.

It's not about what's
on the outside,

but what's on the inside
that counts.

- Money!
- Yes, money.

And inner radiant beauty.

Huh, I'm feeling inspired, so...

Who wants to help me
set up a new dating profile?

I got banned from all those.
Can't do it.

- Okay.
- I'll do it.

Okay. Yeah. Um...

Great. Yeah, show me your
profile pictures.

Cool.

Yeah...

- Ooh!
- What's that?

You have one
new message.

Joanne! God,
my head is f*cking pounding.

Listen, the car reeks, okay?

And I don't know what you guys
did yesterday

but it f*cking smells, yeah!

It smells.
So if something happened,

I'm gonna need
to hear about it.

And also, just in case
you were wondering,

the first communion speech
went very well.

A lot of people said I was
really good at my speech,

so you can let Boris know,
you know, whatever,

that yeah, okay...

Which is really good stuff.

Anyway, listen, the car reeks,

so I would like to talk
about that, okay?