01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[panting]

- So, the Brovaries have hit
a bit of a losing streak

and um, our next game is against

the Toronto Randos
'n Couch Potatoes.

God, what a name.

It's like a mix-matched team
of singles and stragglers.

They're the worst
team in the league.

But they did beat us...



So, we can't let
that happen again.

And I've gotta up my game.

And that's why...

[groans]

I have my first Zoom session

today with reality coach
and TikTok star,

Lexi Scottie.

[call chimes on]

Hi!

- Sorry, I'm late.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- No problem.
- Had to call my mom.

You know, just doing business
at Turks and g*y-cos.

[Joanne laughs]

- Turks and g*y-cos.
- Right?

- That's-- is that
actually an island?

[Lexi]: Let's cut to it, okay?
I'm really, I'm no nonsense.

I'm no bullshit. Okay?

I have like,
a limited number of clients

that I like to work with,
and uh...

well, congratulations,
you're one of them.

You're in.

- Thank you. Thank you.
[phone chimes]

- That should be a text
coming in from me.

It's just-- yeah,

just need to get your
credit card info real quick.

- Okay.
- You wanna be a winner?

- Yeah.

- So, what if...

your like, favourite team,

this team you love so much,
what if it loses?

- Uh...
- What happens then?

- Then I fail myself
and my team.

- Aw. Aw that's bad.

Okay, let's make it worse.
How bad can it get?

Give me more.
- I live alone.

I die alone,

and maybe soon

because I can't get
my cholesterol under control.

- f*ck yeah.
You leave things to last minute.

You don't get things
under control, that's sh*t.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

No one 'cause
you're f*ck' dead.

Yeah, you got that
dialed-in look.

Take like life and grab that
knife, and just-- uh-huh.

What if we said, no,
I'm not gonna satisfy

with that white bread life.

Take some mustard, squirt it on.

I want some hot sauce.
And just get it on there.

Take a bite of that sammy.

And the more important,
than anything else,

the one thing I need you
to remember...

- Yup.
- Oh sh*t, that's time.

[call pings off]

- She's amazing.

[campy theme music playing]

- Hey.

Today's the day.

They got a big surprise
comin' for them.

[Boris]: This girl left her
underwear at my house

so I put it on
and it's a thong.

Never worn one before
and I don't like it.

- Then why'd you put it on?

- Okay, everybody!
Huddle up! Come on!

Okay, listen up.

I have a very exciting
surprise to share with you.

- Joanne's bringing that super
hot life coach in from TikTok.

- Thank you for ruining
the surprise, Lee.

- Oh, sorry.

- Okay, this game this week,
it's make or break.

If we lose, we have no shot
of making the playoffs.

- Joanne, we're just
playing the Randos.

One of them's on crutches.

Another one's 90 years old,
she just had her hip replaced.

- Yeah, and she's dead.
- Oh.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Not the point. Not the point.

The point is,
we still lost that game.

- Oh, my God, don't remind me.

I got tagged out on second
by a girl sitting cross-legged

reading Hunger Games.

- Okay, anyway,
I got us a reality coach

to give us an edge! Okay?

I met her in
the Choobies parking lot.

The best burger place
in Mississauga.

She's huge on TikTok

and she's gonna be here,
with us, today.

To help this team go
straight to the playoffs.

- Joanne, are you sure
she's legit?

Because you do tend
to fall for things.

Like, remember
the Nigerian princess

that helped you with
your website?

- Oh yeah, that was brutal.

- Well, that woman,
who turned out to be a man,

only took $1,000
and he had diabetes.

So... money well spent.

[Lee]: Fair enough.

- Ah, there she is!

[Boris]: Oh, wow, that car
is screaming success.

[car backfires]

- You said you found
her at Choobies?

[Joanne]: Yeah.

- What, you think you can judge
me 'cause you're a father?

'Cause you got a little baby?

Yeah, be a spectator
in life, as*h*le.

f*ck you!
Hey, hey!

- Hey!

- Good to meet you all.

[Joanne]: Thanks for coming.

- Great to see you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah!

[Joanne laughs]

[Lexi]: Such a tiny person.
Ah yeah, hey!

What's this about?
Who are these guys?

- Oh, uh, that's the release
that you signed.

That's the doc crew.
- Ah yeah. You got it set up?

You need some distribution?

- No, uh, not yet. We're hoping.

- You know what? We can put
some clips on my platform.

Small affiliate fee.
Get ya some buzz.

- Guys... this is Lexi.

My coach. For life.

[Lexi chuckles]

- But not a life coach.

- Now, y'all wanna
win some games?

Yeah, I'm gonna help ya do that.

I'm gonna do some one-on-ones,
get to know you.

Over in that weird, little
hut you got over there.

- Uh-huh.
- Who's up first?

- I am!

- All right, let's go.

Like the 'stache.
This is good. Come with me.

- Thanks.

- Gonna be fun. Yeah.

- They are going to the hut...

- Alone?

- The hut?

- Lee, keep your pants
on in the weird hut!

- Joanne, I think we
should send a chaperone.

[Joanne]: No, no, no, no.

He has to be alone.
- Scammer.

- Okay, Lee,
what is the first thing

you think of
when you look at me?

- Uh...

- You did not read that paper.
It's 42 pages long.

- There's nothing
you're gonna say to me

that's gonna make me stay.

- All right, I'm ready
to be impressed.

- Granola bar? It's free.

You know, and your analysis
of the four-quadrant solution,

it was excellent.

You ever been laid?

Judging from your defensiveness

and that little glint
in your eye,

I'd say that you grew up
with brothers.

- How many?
- Uh, I would say seven.

- You nailed it.
- Come pretty quick?

[sputters]

Is that the noise you make?

Feeling like an outsider
on your own team?

I get it.
I'd be skeptical of me.

Who's this?
Who's this person?

Who's this hottie?

- Listen, I get laid
three to five times a week.

I get 15% off
at the weed shop.

And I got a solid
friend rotation.

There's no way Lexi's gonna be
able to poke holes

in my life
with her self-help slop.

Yeah, I guess it's like my
parents make me feel

like a loser more
than anyone else.

- You don't need to be
an academic footnote

in your own life.

- Okay. Yeah.

- You're gonna need
to read my PDF.

It's a how-to,
mostly for straight women.

Lots in there you're
gonna love. Tips galore.

And they pay you.
They don't pay anyone else.

That's gotta feel alienating.

Pushing pushes people
away, Joanne.

- Wise.

- Yeah.
- You!

[Lexi]: Your parents
can blow me.

- And I tell them
that all the time.

- I'm in it for the kicks,
not the cash.

- Thank you.
- Not goin' anywhere.

- I mean,
you're welcome to stay.

- I'm cute. Thank you very much.

[campy music ends]

- I just wanted to
say thank you.

Uh, I've learned so
much about pleasure.

- Hey! It's a good
PDF, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This is just the beginning,
little man.

- Oh, I don't have money
for any more sessions.

- Oh, money not needed.
It's covered.

- You're doing this for free?

- Yeah, sure am.

[Sasha]: I'll rephrase.
Joanne's not paying you?

- I'll rephrase.

I'm here for you

whenever you're ready to
have a session with me.

- Oh... yeah, I'm good.
I don't need whatever this is.

But uh, sorry for interrupting.

Enjoy.
- Yeah, sorry.

- Anyway, it's like, really
hard growing up rich, you know?

- Yeah.

[Sasha]: Uh, hey. Hey, Jo.
- Hey, hey!

- Hey, I just uh,
wanted to check in.

- I was just thinking about you.

Did you get that bed bug
situation under control?

'Cause I thought Lexi
could help you with that.

- Oh, yeah, Lexi.
Um, yeah, I just, you know,

needed an exterminator,
so it's all good.

- Oh, Lexi would be an
amazing exterminator.

She can do anything.

Just last week, I was powering
through self-help books

trying to like myself again

after Leanne turned my insides
into a nuclear waste site.

And um, I was crying in my car
in the Choobies parking lot,

just thinking, oh my God,
we have to win this game.

And then I met Lexi.

[exhales]
Wow.

- Yeah. No, for sure.
No, Lexi is so great.

Um, just... Do you
know much about her?

Also, is she actually not
charging you, like, anything?

- No. Hardly anything.

Just last week,
she helped me pick out

the most amazing self-tanner.

For free.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- That's great.

- I did pay for her ear
medication, but...

that was my choice.

[campy music playing]

[Lexi]: Okay, before we start
this game, team check in.

Let's check in
on the progress, okay?

Lee, how are things going
with that hot hostess

over at the Public Lass?

- Good luck.
She turned me down, so.

- She actually just viewed my
story, so I think I'm in.

- Hmm, yeah!

Okay, next up, Boris.

- I applied for my dream job

at the hot deli meat counter.

Fingers crossed.

[Lexi]: Okay. All right.

Okay, that's good. That's good.
Okay. Woo! Slice that meat.

- Yes.
[buzzes]

- Zari!

- Yes, I took your advice
and I told my thesis professor

that I would not be doing
any extra work for her.

- Did you tell her to shove it?
- I did not.

- That part was optional.
- Thank you.

[Lexi]: Okay, Ann.

- All right, well, I called my
parents, left a message,

told them I am getting
myself emancipated!

[teammates cheer]

- Yes! And my mom,
she calls back, leaves a message

and goes, "Ann, that's
for children. You're an adult."

- Oh my God, your mother has
the worst voice in the world.

Okay, everyone, over here.
This is good stuff.

Good stuff.
Come on in. Come on in.

I'm proud of all of you.
You're all doing great.

Before I give you back to
Joanne, your fearless leader,

this little guy over here,
you're doing great.

- Thanks so much.
- Yeah, really cute.

- I do want to throw the focus
over to Mel for a second

and say thank you, Mel,
for opening up.

Mel got emotional,
cried a lot.

It was pretty ugly,
but it was really beautiful.

And I just want to thank you
for opening your heart.

- They said feelings? Out loud?

To you?
- To me.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Miracles happen.

[Lexi]: Yeah. What we're going
to do as a team,

as winners,

is we're gonna make Mel
feel more included

because it turns out
some of you are jealous.

You know, Mel gets paid.
The rest of you don't.

And that creates
a little bit of tension.

And frankly, they can
feel that tension. So...

- Why are you looking at me?
I'm not jealous.

- Yeah, bullshit,
you're the most.

- You're right. I am jealous.

[Lexi]: Okay,
thanks for owning that.

Okay, Mel, what can everyone do
to make you feel more included?

- So, I was thinking back to
my pro days and how we used to

do these weird
superstition things to win.

And for instance, like,

I would wear my hat
backwards when I came out.

Or if I scored a run,
I'd spin in a circle

three times around home plate.

I know it sounds like OCD sh*t

but I think it could really help
with team spirit and, like,

my feelings... or whatever.

- Nice! What do you think, team?

Can you do that?
- Yeah, absolutely.

- Yeah.
- Let's do this.

- Let's turn it around
for Big Mel, huh?

- Nice.
- You look good.

- Thanks, Coach.

- Okay, now let's
go win some games!

[all cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

- Yeah, you're gonna play it,
and then you're gonna slay it!

[team whoops]

Yeah, just win, just win.

[all cheer]

- Touch the ball,
hit the ball, run!

[all cheering]

- Go, Zari!

- Let's go, baby!

[team cheering]

- Do the spin! Do the spin!
It's good luck! Yes!

[screaming]

[all cheering]

- f*ck yeah!

[all cheering]

- Honey, seriously,
I'm worried about you.

Like, you're not spending
so much money on her.

- Did you just say, "Honey"?

- Let's go team.

- I'm not spending too
much money on Lexi.

Whatever that means.

- All right, Brovaries,
two outs. Look alive! Big D.

- Let's go!

[cheering]

[cheering]

- Yeah, you got this.

- Lexi, you can't leave now!

Lexi, where are you going?

- Yes! Yes! We are winning!

And it is a miracle.

I think it is all thanks
to Lucky Lexi

and her magic words about how
not to be a loser.

Don't you love Lexi?

- I love her.

She's like our angel
in the outfield.

Oh my God,
I'm Joseph Gordon-Levitt,

and Joanne is Danny Glover.

It all makes sense now.

Ann probably thinks she's
Matthew McConaughey,

but actually she's-- I'm-I'm
getting distracted.

The point is, we are
destined to win.

It's fate.
Nothing's gonna get in our way.

- I don't know who any of those
people are, but I agree!

- You're totally a JP.
- Let's go win!

- Mel, gimme... gimme one
of your uh, good luck things.

- All I got left are
the weird ones.

[Zari]: Yeah, give us
the weird ones.

[grunting]

[ice cream truck jingle playing]

[Mel]: This is not one of my
superstition rituals.

Just something
I wanted to see them do.

[team grunting]

Great energy!

[Boris]: Am I doing it right?

[Sasha]: Hey!
Hey, Lexi! Hey, Lexi!

Where are you going with
all those granola bars, huh?

Where are you going
with all of our stuff?

- Are you questioning
my integrity?

- No, I'm not questioning
your integrity,

but a lot of people
on Reddit seem to be.

- They're also saying you're
hot, so it's not just me.

- Well, you know what I think?
I think you're a fraud,

and I'm gonna prove it.
- Oh, whoa.

I guess it's like 1692?
It's a f*cking witch hunt?

I'm outta here. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

[honks horn]

- God, that b*tch!

[sighs]

- She eats a lot
of Choobies, huh?

- Yeah, so does Joanne. I keep
telling her to stop, but...

Wait, hold on.

Choobies.

- Yo!

- Yeah. Okay, tell everybody
I'll be back ASAP.

Hopefully with Lexi, okay?
- Can you get me a burger too?

[Sasha]: If I'm right,
I'll get you a whole bag!

- We gave up two runs.
We got two more innings, okay?

So, we gotta keep the faith.
Keep the faith, right?

- Yes, Coach.
- Where's Lexi? Where's Lexi?

- So, Lexi took off, but don't
worry, Sasha's going after her.

She said she's gonna bring back
some burgers. Maybe Lexi too.

Burgers are mostly
for me though.

- What the hell?
- Oh, no.

- I paid her for
three more hours.

["Charge" fanfare
playing slowly]

- Damn it.
God damn it!

[grunts]

[music quickens]

- Good effort, Ann! Good effort!

[discordant chord]

- Please cut.
- Sorry.

- You tried. You tried.

- I'm sure she'll be
back any minute.

[Boris]: God, she's gone
and now we're losing.

- Guys, maybe Lexi wasn't
the reason we were winning.

Maybe we were the reason
we were winning?

- No, that's bullshit.
She's perfect. She's perfect.

- I mean, she did rip some
people off online, allegedly.

My intuition's telling me that
Sasha's right about Lexi.

My half-chub is telling
me that Lexi's hot.

- I don't want to hear
this right now, Lee.

- Lee... she is a literal angel.
- Sorry.

- And even angels get
wrongfully cancelled sometimes.

You got anything else
that could work for us?

- I don't know.

Oh wait, there's one
where we spin in circles

around home plate while we yell
my sweet dead grandma's name,

Cordelia Jones.

- Okay, worth a try.
- Yeah, let's go.

- Clear out,
we gotta do a ritual.

- Do you mind?
We have a ritual to do.

- How do you say the name?
- Cordelia Jones.

- Listen, we need Lexi, okay?

Even if she's not real,
they think she's real,

which makes her real.

- Yeah, I think you
might be right.

It'll text Sasha and get an ETA.

[chanting]: Cordelia,
Cordelia, Cordelia Jones.

Cordelia, Cordelia,
Cordelia Jones.

[Sasha]: Oh, I f*cking knew
I'd find you here.

- Number 114, fries and gravy?

- You're a fraud,
and I'm telling Joanne.

[chuckles]
Smile. You're on camera, b*tch.

- We'll see about that.

- Come on, let's talk.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- You want to f*cking go?

- You're a fraud.
Reddit was right.

- And I'm not just talking
about you posing

as some super
successful life coach.

- First of all,
I'm not a life coach, okay?

I'm a reality coach.

There's a big f*cking
difference, okay?

- God, I know your type.

You take advantage
of innocent people.

You told Joanne that
you were the real deal,

and you're f*cking stealing
from that poor woman!

- From that poor woman?
- Yes!

- Do you know how
many shoes she owns?

She owns shoes at least
f*cking five of them, okay?

And they're nice, all right?

And she has a parking spot
that she parks a car in.

I, on the other hand,
was born poor

to two failed, a*usive janitors
who made me clean the house

even though they
were the janitors.

So, excuse me if I
try and make a buck.

My God, you're an elitist snob.
- I'm not an elitist.

- You're not an elitist. Jimmy,
come here. Let's film this.

[all shouting]

- Look at the elitist snob.

- Whoa, I am not. Shut the f*ck
up. I am not an elitist snob.

I used to play ill*gal poker
games to pay for beauty school.

- Oh, ill*gal poker?

- You know where I
saw that every day?

- Where?
- In prison.

Yeah, prison.

I was there for 12 years and
watched them do it every day.

That's f*cking ten
plus two, b*tch.

That's a dozen years in prison.

- Well, you've clearly never
had your entire life savings

stolen by the person you thought
you were gonna marry,

after they cheated on you,
and it shows.

So, the trauma Olympics gold
is going to me, b*tch!

- Oh, and now you want the gold
for the trauma Olympics?

Look at your f*cking hair.

I bet you get to brush it at
least three times a day!

Well, good for you, rich girl!

Because I don't
even have a comb!

- Ugh, you know what?
Joanne is a nice f*cking person

and she would do anything for
her friends so I'm gonna go back

to the game and you go back
to where you came from. Okay?

- If you have feelings for
Joanne, tell her. Don't tell me.

- I don't.
- You do, don't you?

Oh, my God, she totally does.
She has feelings.

Push 'em down all
you want, baby!

[laughs]

[Jimmy]: Nice.

- I think she's
doing really well.

I mean, this was like, an effort
to kinda see her rage come out.

No, I see good things.

- Let's get this over with.
Let's finish it.

- Guys! Guys, guess what?
Guess what I found?

- Did you get the burgers?
- Sorry, I forgot.

But I found Lexi.
- Is she coming back?

- No. Uh, sorry, she's working

her job at the fryer
at Choobies fry truck.

- What?
- Yeah.

she was lying about everything.

She's literally not
a coach of any kind.

She's been frauding
people for a long time.

- Oh, sh*t.
She just posted a TikTok.

[Sasha]: So, the trauma Olympics
gold is going to me, b*tch!

[Lexi]: Oh, now you want the
gold for the trauma Olympics?

- This is so taken
out of context.

- Is there a good
context for that?

[Boris]: We're f*cked.

- I can't believe it.
I let you down.

It's Nigerian princess
all over again.

- No!

Doesn't matter.

It wasn't the good luck crap
or the superstition stuff.

Winning is in us.

It's in us!

We made that happen!

Doesn't matter what else is
going on, we did it!

So, let's get out there
like a fricking team

and win this sh*t.

Or go down trying.

- That's right.
Come on, hands in, Brovs.

[Team]: Don't need Lexi!
One, two, three, Brovaries!

- Let's go! Come on, Coach!

- Let's do this! All right.

- Um, hey uh, Joanne, look
um... I know that I went viral

as "Elitist Hairstylist
Snaps on Fry Cook"

but I did it for you.

You deserve better.

[Boris]: Lesbians,
make out later!

We've got a game to win.

[♪ Your Daddy Don't Know ♪
by Toronto plays]

- Yo, B, get a little deeper.
This one likes to lift.

[Boris]: You got it, Big Melly.

- Let's kick some Rando a*s!

- Come on! Come on!

- Come on, Zari!
- Go, go, go!

- Second!

[all cheering]

- Beauty!

[team cheering]

- Two more runs
and then we win.

Hit a homer, Coach!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's
gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's
gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's
gonna do tonight ♪

[chanting]:
Brovaries! Brovaries!

[cheering]

- You don't a life coach
to help you win

because you are the winner.

Like this one.

[Joanne]: Way to
stick with it, guys.

- Good game.

- Uh, Coach?

- Yeah.

- I feel like getting paid

is getting in the way of feeling
like a member of this team.

I think I'm gonna ask Barb
not to pay me anymore.

[stuttering]

- I am their new manager now

and let me tell you, my client,
Mel... vin?

Melanie? Melroy?
- Just Mel.

- Ah. On behalf of their
dead grandma, Cordelia Jones,

they would henceforth
like you to use that money

to pay for post-game beers at
the Public Lass, win or lose.

- But we're gonna win.
- Yeah, we are.

- Sure.
- 'Cause we have to.

'Cause one more win and...

- The playoffs are calling
and I'm buying!

[all cheer]

- I appreciate you.

- Let's go!

♪ Playoffs are calling ♪

♪ The playoffs ♪

♪ Are calling ♪

♪ The playoffs ♪

[all singing unintelligibly]

Like, it's really burning.

[theme music]