18x10 - The Guys Have a Sleepover

[bunniefuu]

- [Charlie] Is this your card?
-[Mac] Nope.

[Charlie] Oh. [stutters]
Hey, is this your card?

[Mac smacks lips] No.

-Oh, uh, hang on.
Is it this one?
-No.

It's gotta be one of these.
I guarantee it.

Of course it has to be one
of them. The entire deck
is in your hands.

-It's not that.
Do you wanna find it?
-Oh, God. Not another one.

What are you
complaining about now, Dee?

There was a break-in,
one street over from us,
you guys.

-What are you looking at?
-It's this PingCrime app

that Dee's been
obsessed with lately

where people post about crimes
and their locations and sh*t.

Why are women
so obsessed with true crime?

Like, m*rder podcasts,
true crime TV shows.

-Documentaries...
-You just, like, gobble it up.

Just gobble, gobble, gobble.

I wouldn't say
I'm obsessed with it.

I just like having
the information for safety.

For safety?
Let me see. Let me see
what's going on around here.

Uh. Let's see.
We got a guy exposing himself
to people in the mall.

Oh, God.
Good thing you know that.

I mean,
Frank does that all the time.

Um, we got a guy
running red lights, you know.

-Scary, Dee.
-Oh, no.

Loose chicken in the mall.

-Dee, you have
every right to be afraid.
-Oh, no.

Thank God you knew
about the chicken.

-Dee, these crimes
are totally harmless.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-[phone dings]
-What's this one?
What's this one?

-That's a double homicide.
-Really?

Yeah, a guy k*lled his wife
and kid with a meat tenderizer.

-Police came in.
-That's a brutal m*rder.

-Oh, my God, where was that?
-It was like a block

-from your apartment building.
-[stammers] Mine?

That might be
your apartment building.

Oh, yeah,
that looks exactly like her...

-It's hard to tell, Dee.
I don't know.
-Oh, my God.

Your apartment is in
a hotbed of crime, though.

Okay. Now, can you see why
this might be kinda useful?

Not really, Dee. Personally,
I think you're just better off

not knowing this stuff.

That's right, Charlie,
a big deal.

Hey, you know what?
It doesn't matter.

I'm just glad that
you're sleeping over tonight.

-That puts my mind
at ease a little.
-I'm what now?

You're spending
the night tonight
'cause I'm getting LASIK.

-And?
-And I won't be able

to see for about six hours,
so you said
you would come over,

and you would spend the night
at my apartment.
You don't remember this?

I remember you asking me
to sleep over, but I don't
remember agreeing to it.

-Are you kidding me?
-No.

[phone dings]

Oh, good. There was a stabbing
one block away.

Could be the same guy
who k*lled his family.

-Hey.
-Probably is the guy.

That doesn't
put my mind at ease.

Oh, my God, you're just...
You're freaking out
about nothing!

People stab each other
all the time in this city.

I stabbed someone on
the way to work today.

-What?
-It's not a big deal.

There was a homeless guy
on the bus, wouldn't get off.

I got a ballpoint pen,
and I just...
right in his side.

I got someone too.

Applause from
the people on the bus.

I carry this around with me,
'cause I be stabbing with this.

Exactly, we're
a stab-based society.

-Okay.
-People go around.

-It's one guy on a rampage.
-No, you're right.

We're all stabbing,
and everything's good
'cause it was the same guy.

Listen, you guys
I have a really fun idea, okay?

How about you come over
to my place tonight
and we have a sleepover?

Hear me out.
We can get fun food.
We can watch movies.

We can get sleeping bags.

[scoffs] Dee, what are we? Ten?
We're grown men.

We're not gonna have
a sleepover at your house.

[all laughing]

Can you imagine us having
a sleepover at our age?

-Oh, my God.
-Talk about having a sleepover.

[♪ "Temptation Sensation"
playing]

-I say we
bust this bad boy out.
-[chanting]

Boys, boys, boys, boys.

-No girls.
-No girls. No girls.

Sleepover,
sleepover, sleepover.

-Sleepover, sleepover.
-That's probably
enough chanting.

That's probably enough.

I can't wait
to get into the good stuff.

We're gonna do pranks.

We're gonna do trust falls.
We're gonna play Truth or Dare.

We're gonna sneak out
of this place.

Maybe go on the roof
and howl at the moon.

Oh. Howl at the moon. [howling]

Wait, wait, what if
we rearrange the furniture
into, like, a ring,

we get into our undies and then
have a wrestling match?

Or we could do a panty raid.
Or we could play ookie cookie.

-What's that?
-That's when
we get a plate of cookies,

and we all jerk off on it,

and the one who blows last
gets to eat the cookies.

-Gets to?
-Gets to. Has to. Whatever.

-We should be open to it.
Like, I mean...
-No. No.

You're surprised.

I'm sorry, guys,
but all of these ideas
sound kind of insane to me,

and I really have no interest
in ingesting semen
this evening,

-you know, so...
-[clicks tongue]

-Oh, sorry.
-Yeah, so why don't we, uh...

why don't we just all,
you know,
watch a movie, right?

We'll stay up a little
past our bedtimes, you know?
That's pretty naughty. [laughs]

And then we can all
just head off
to our own separate areas

and get
a quality night's sleep.

Sleep? Okay, dude,
what are you talking about?
[chuckles]

Okay, the winners
of the sleepover are the people
who stay up all night long,

and the losers of the sleepover
are the people who fall asleep

and wake up with d*ck drawings
all over their face.

When they fall asleep,
you draw all over them.

So, like, seeing the sunrise
is how you win.

Well, that's all so childish.
Like, why are we...

I think we're getting
a little too old
for that stuff, you know?

I mean, look, let's have fun.

Yeah, sure, but, you know,
let's be reasonable. [scoffs]

Why are you being
such a buzzkill?

-I'm not. I'm... I'm--
-He's afraid of sleepovers.

-What?
-No, I'm not.

He used to make Barbara and me
go pick him up
before the thing was over.

-We even had a code word.
-No.

-Spaghetti.
-No, Frank, come on.

We all knew that
the "spaghetti" meant
he wanted to leave the party.

No, Frank.
No, that didn't happen.
No. [stammers] This... No.

Guys, why would I...
[scoffs] Come on.

Why would I be afraid of doing
all this childish sh*t

we're talking about?
I'm just talking
about being sensible.

You know, I'm talking about,
like, not eating semen

and, you know,
howling at moons,
you know what I mean?

Can we just, like, have fun
and just do, like...

just, like...
[grunts] You know...

[stutters, sighs]

-All right... [stammers]
Let's just...
-It's okay.

Can we just start with, like,
one fun thing to do?

-Maybe something
we can all agree on?
-Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe we prank call Dee?

-Yeah, let's do that.
-Come on.

-That would be fun.
-Are you cool with that?

But won't she know it's us?
I mean, if we call her,
she has caller ID--

-She's blind, remember?
-[laughs]

-Oh, sh*t. Okay.
-[Frank] Blind as a bat.

[Charlie] Let's call her now.
Let's do it.

[whispering] There we go.

[sniffs]
Probably still good, right?

[groaning] Oh.

That's expired for sure. Ugh!

Wow.

[phone announcer]
Call from Dennis Reynolds.

Go in.

-Call from Dennis Reynolds.
-sh*t. I know, you b*tch!
I'm coming.

-Call from Dennis Reynolds.
-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. Dennis.
-Call from Dennis Reynolds.

Dennis. Hello.

[roaring, grunting]

-What?
-Is your refrigerator running?

I mean, I don't think so.
All the milk's expired.

Well, then you better
go catch it.

[laughing]

-Wait, no, that...
-Oh, wait, no,
that doesn't work.

She's gotta say that
the fridge is running.

[Frank] Ask her again
and tell her what to say.

Huh?

We're gonna ask you
one more time,
tell you what to say.

-Wait, are you guys
all at Dennis's?
-No. Yeah--

-How did you know?
-Because the phone
told me where you are.

-What are you guys doing?
-No, she has it
on the speaker thing.

It's on speaker.
Well, we're-we're, um...

Yeah, we're not, uh...
We're not sleeping over.

-Oh, you assholes!
-Hey, Hang up.

-I got an idea. I got an idea.
-Okay.

-Frank has an idea.
-What? g*dd*mn it. g*dd*mn you.

-Call from Frank Reynolds.
-No.

-No, no.
-Call from Frank Reynold...

Call Artemis.

[person on TV]
What happened to Alexis...

-[phone rings]
-Oh.

[person on TV]
And the legal system
will provide justice...

-Aló.
-[Dee] Hey, girl.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm watching
a wonderful program entitled

How I Evaded r*pe
and m*rder Unlike My Friends .

Um, what do you say you
come over tonight,

and you and I
have a little sleepover?

Damn it, Dee.
There's 12 episodes
and I'm only on, like, 2.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
I tell you what,

you'd be missing out on some
fresh cookies that I'm baking.

-I hear you
tearing open the bag, Dee.
-Okay, sh*t.

Listen, listen, listen,

I had LASIK,
I'm blind as a bat,
and I need help, okay?

Can you come over tonight
or not?

I don't love it,
but I'll do it.

Okay, thank God.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Cell phones really make
pranking people impossible.

Oh, yeah, dude?
Yeah, you think?
'Cause check this out.

-I just ordered Dee,
like, 20 pizzas.
-Yeah, that's plenty.

Is she gonna
have to pay for 'em?

Yeah. Well, no, she doesn't
have to pay for em
'cause I had to pay for them,

'cause you can't buy them
unless you pay for them
on the app, so...

-Yeah.
-How is that a prank?

You just bought her pizza.
[stammers]

[stammers] Yeah, I did
just buy her p...

Well, that's probably more
pizza than she can eat, so...

[laughs] Hey!
More pizza than she can eat.

-Does that work?
-Does it-- Does it work?

It's something,
but it's not great.

-It's not great.
-Yeah. No.

-I don't love it.
-Is there a spin on this or...

-Yeah.
-Guys, let's forget
about the pranks.

Let's wrestle.
Let's get in our undies.

-We...
-Come on!

[clamoring, laughing]

-That's crazy.
-No?

No, let's, um... Why don't...
Let's throw a movie on,
you know what I mean?

Maybe we could order
ourselves a pizza, right?

-Okay.
-How's that funny?

Uh, well, it's not funny.
It's just for nourishment,

you know what I mean? Ooh.

Let's watch Weird Science.

-You got any scary movies?
-Yeah.

Oh, uh...We have
The Hand That Rocks the Cradle .

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
before bedtime?

You guys are all gonna
have nightmares. I'm gonna
be awoken by your screams.

We're not gonna have nightmares
'cause we're not gonna sleep.

You gotta stop
with that sh*t, man.
This is preposterous.

Don't do that to your body.
Not at our age.
No, don't. Come on.

We're gonna
watch Weird Science ,

and then we're gonna
hit the sack, okay? Come on.

Dennis, the VCR is broken.

-What?
-Yeah, I...

In anticipation
of the fun sleepover,
I put in Faces of Death ,

and, you know,
because it's from 1983,
it got jammed.

You were gonna have us
watch Faces of Death ?

You could get Dee's VCR.
Let's get Dee's VCR.

-Yeah, let's get Dee's VCR.
-Oh, wait, wait, no.

Actually, don't do that,
because then Dee's gonna wanna
come over.

No, no, no, I'll sneak in
and out like a panty raid,
except for electronics.

-[laughs]
Electronics raid. Good.
-Yeah.

Unless you want me
to get her panties too.

-No.
-Why in the hell would

we want Dee's panties?

[stutters, mumbles]
I don't know.

-[as Terminator] I'll be back.
-All right, that's it.

-Don't jizz on anything
without me.
-Not gonna happen.

-[chuckling]
-What's with the jizzing?

[Frank chanting]
Boys, boys, boys, boys.

-Yeah. Boys, boys, boys.
-Boys, boys, boys, boys.

-No girls. Yeah! All right.
-That's too...
That's too much chanting.

Quite the day.
The woman escaped
being m*rder*d

by humanizing herself
and talking about her dog.

-Smart, yep.
-Of course her best friend
was slaughtered

despite also being a dog owner,

because apparently the m*rder*r
did not care for collies.

-Oh, really? Huh.
-Mm-hmm.

[phone dings]

[announcer]
Suspicious man dressed
all in black seen in the area.

-That's not good.
-PingCrime?

-Yeah.
-FYI, I brought my Ouija board.

Ouija board? Oh, um...
Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on,
it's good, harmless fun,

but also it's good to know
what ghosts are living
in your apartment.

-Ghosts?
-Mm-hmm.

Ghosts, demons,
spirits, phantasms.

Trust me, you've got 'em.

In fact, I can sense one now.

Do you have any candles
or matches?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, under the sink.

[groaning]

I don't see them.

Uh, really?

I'm pretty sure
they're in the back
under the dish gloves.

-What? On the right
or on the left?
-Your right or my right?

What? I'm facing the sink.

[stammers]

Are you breaking the sink?
What are you doing under there?

Okay, right or left
if I am facing the sink?

I don't know. Stop!

Where else could they be?

I'm so sorry. I was wrong.

-It's in a drawer
underneath the toaster.
-Okay.

I gotta do it.

Come on, guys,
aren't sleepovers
supposed to be inside?

-We snuck out.
-Yeah, dude.

-It's fun.
-No, we didn't sneak out.

I mean, you can't sneak out
of your own apartment.

That's just called leaving,
you know?
Why are we doing this?

Well, 'cause prank calls
are dead, I guess, right?

Ordering too many pizzas,
whatever, that's not
a thing anymore,

but egging cars,
that's forever,
that's classic stuff.

Look, what if we hit a guy
with an egg, right,

and then he gets out
of his car and then chases us?

That's the whole point.
I was doing it for the chase.

-That's the mischief.
-That's the mischief
we're after.

Yeah, right, but what is
the line between crime
and mischief? It's like...

Okay, when you're a kid
and you moon somebody,

that's funny, you know?
That's a prank.
You do it as an adult, though,

that's indecent exposure,
you're gonna go to jail.

I hear
what you're saying, but--

Car, car, car.
Let's go. Now, now, now!

Go, go, go.

Ooh.

Oh!

[car alarms blaring]

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

[breathing shakily]

-What the f*ck?
-Oh, sh...

-Go, go!
-Let's go.

Go, go, go, go.

Let us begin.

Dark spirits
of the underworld...

-What? Why?
-...we summon your presence.

Why summon those?
Summon the good ones.

Oh, come nearer to us.

Come ever closer with whatever
messages or gifts
you care to provide.

Come, come, come, come to us!

-[groans]
-What? What?

I feel you're near.

Show us a sign
of your presence.

[knocks on door]

-[gasps, screams]
-[gasps, screams]
No. What was that?

-I believe it was your door.
-[knocks on door]

-You should get it.
-Oh. No, you get it.

No, you get it.
I can't see anything!

-I can't see.
-It's your apartment!

-I'll be right behind you.
-Okay, okay, okay.

-You should get it.
Just get it.
-Oh, God. Okay, we're coming!

-Okay.
-All right, yes, we are coming.

You-You've summoned
a very impatient ghost!

-Are we close?
-Yeah, we're really close.

-Uh-huh?
-Get it.

Hey!

God, answer your g*dd*mn door.
Here's your stupid pizza.

-Wait, is that The Waitress?
-Yes.

-Are you--
-No, don't touch my face.
Get off me.

-Stop.
-Are you delivering pizzas now?

-Yeah. Where do you want 'em?
-I didn't order 'em.
I don't want 'em.

Okay, I know that.
I think Charlie
ordered them for you.

That's too bad.
I don't need pizza.

Okay, well,
I don't really give a sh*t.

I'm gonna put them down
on your kitchen table,

and you can do whatever you
want with them from there.

Oh. Damn, you guys
playing Ouija? Love that.

Yes, we are. You want in?

I could go for a quick sesh.

-Uh. Cup of tea?
-Yes, please.

All right, let's summon
some evil. [chuckles]

Oh, g*dd*mn it.

[chuckling]

-This is so great.
-Yeah.

How is this great, dude?
That guy's gonna k*ll us.

We can outrun him, Dennis.
We just gotta find our angles.

May I remind you,
you are not a young man,
Mac, okay?

You're an old man
with tight hips
'cause you don't stretch.

I do stretch my hips.
My hips aren't tight.

Look, if I have
to wrestle him, I will.

Oh, badass, man. That's badass!
That's the attitude!

That's the badass attitude
I miss!

-I'm calling Frank.
-No, don't tattle, dude.

-Don't tattle on us.
-I'm not tattling.

I'm calling him for help.

-[line ringing]
- [Frank] Yo.

Hey, Frank.
Where are you, dude?

[Frank] I'm still at Dee's.

-How's the slumber party going?
-[Dennis] Not good,
Frank, okay?

Spaghetti, okay?
Spaghetti, g*dd*mn it.

I need you to get down here
with your g*n,

and we're a block away
from Dee's house,
and I need you to do it now.

No can do.
I just dropped an ookie cookie,

and I gotta stick around
to see if somebody eats it.

Was it an... No, no, no,
we don't want you digesting...

All your energy should be here.

-Okay.
-sh*t.

Almost, almost.

No, g*dd*mn it, Frank,

stop ejaculating
on your daughter's food
and get down here.

-Oh, sh*t.
-He's coming. He's coming.

-We gotta run!
-Go, go.

[groans] Cramp.
My hips are too tight.

[grunting]

-Oh, sh*t. He got Mac!
-No.

Don't stop. Keep going.
He's getting to wrestle.

He's getting to wrestle.

[grunting, groaning]

-[chuckling] Oh, my God.
-Holy sh*t.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, dude.

-That was crazy. Holy sh*t.
-[laughing]

Oh, my God.

-That was awesome, dude.
-Whoa! That was awesome, dude.

-See, man?
You see what I'm talking about?
-Oh, sh*t. Yeah.

No, I see. I see, dude.

-Wow.
-I hope Mac's all right.

It is getting
kinda late, though,

-so maybe we should call it.
-All right, yeah, but... Okay.

One quick game
of Truth or Dare,
then we pop a howl at the moon,

and then we call it, okay?

No, I don't know, man. I...

Come on, dude. Truth or Dare?
It'll be fun.

-Uh, dare.
-Yeah! Dude, yes!

Okay, um, jump off the roof
into that dumpster down there.

-Do you see it?
-Yeah, I see it.

Right down there.

-Go do it.
-No.

-Yeah, no, jump down
into the dumpster.
-Uh... No.

-Do it.
-No. Move past it
'cause that is...

-That is the dare.
-Drop it.

-The dare is that you jump.
-I'm not doing it.

All right, then Truth, dude.

-Then it's Truth.
-Okay. Yeah.

-Yeah?
-Sure. Yes, sure.

-You gonna tell some truth?
-Truth.

Are you scared of sleepovers?

-No. No. [chuckles]
-Are you
scared of sleepovers, Dennis?

-No.
-You have to tell the truth.

That's the whole point of it.

Uh. [sighs]

[stutters]

[stammers]

-Yeah.
-Really?

-Yes, fine.
-Why? Tell me why?

Because I don't like doing
a bunch of dumb sh*t, dude,

like eating jizz cookies
and wrestling grown men
in their underwear.

Like jumping off of buildings
into dumpsters, man.

Like, I don't wanna
do those things.

But I'm also afraid that, like,
if I don't do those things,

then I, you know... [sighs]

[clicks tongue, stammers]

People are gonna, like...

like, make fun of me.

It's okay, dude.

It's okay. [chuckles]

Because everybody's scared
of sleepovers.

-Everyone's in
the same boat, man.
-[sighs]

Sleepovers are about
facing your fears, right?

You watch scary movies.
You try some scary Dares.

You tell
some scary Truths, but...

you know, you're not
doing it alone, dude.

You're together with your buds.

Sleepovers are where you learn
that when you have friends,

the world's
a lot less scary place.

No, for sure, yeah.

-Yeah. Wow, man, that's, um...
-[chuckles]

[sighs]

God. Dude, it's so funny
'cause, like,
when you're a kid,

Dares are, like,
the scariest thing,

but when you're an adult,
the Truth is so much scarier.

It's, like,
the scariest thing of all,
isn't it?

-Yeah? [chuckling]
-Ah. For sure, man. For sure.

And I know you're probably
thinking, like,
this stuff's weird

'cause we're, like, 50.

-Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.
At least we...
-You know, like...

No, it's... It's cool, man.

Like, probably should have
done this, like, 10, 20...

-Yeah, 20, 30 years ago
or something.
-Maybe even 40. Yeah.

Come on, dude,
bring it in, man.

-Really?
-I'm sorry. Yeah.

I'm sorry you've, like,
been so stressed
about this this whole time.

-I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
-Yeah, yeah.

Now watch this.

[Dennis] Charlie, Charlie.
Spaghetti. Spaghetti!

[screaming, thudding]

[both chuckling, screaming]

Holy sh*t!

-Oh, my God. [chuckling]
-[laughing]

-[gasps] That was insane.
That was insane.
-I'm sorry. That was crazy.

[howling]

[both howling]

[howling continues]

[both laughing]

-

Anti-vaginal burning...
-Ugh.

-Chronic hemorrhoids
may slow your...
-Skip it.

Why don't you just pay
for the ad-free?
It's really not expensive.

[vocalizes] Oh.

-What?
-Okay.

-What?
-It went to
the letters B and M.

-Bowel movement?
-That's what my mind
went to, yeah.

-[shrieks]
-What?

Bloody Mary!

-Oh, no! Oh, my God.
-Yeah, he wants us
to summon her.

-Well, that's too bad.
-Oh, my God.

-Oh! Come on, it'll be fun.
-No, it won't be fun.

I brought a hand mirror. Oh!

Actually, wait,
do I need to go back to work?

-Have I been here, like, hours?
-You've been here,
like, 15 minutes.

That's the peyote messing
with your sense of time.

-Oh, yeah.
-What?

-That will do it.
-Oh. That's what's in the tea.

-What?
-Did I not make that clear?

No! Oh, my... Oh, sh*t. Oh.
Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna be sick.

-Oh.
-Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

-She'll be fine. Let's play.
-[sighs]

So, look into the mirror
right over here.

I can't see the mirror.
I can't see anything.

Nonsense! Let's begin!

Oh, goddess demon mother,
we plan to call upon you.

[retching]

-Dark bloody demon from hell...
-Oh, God, no.

...I shall
call your name three times!

This is a giant mistake.

[coughing]

[retching]

Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary!

[pounding on door]

-Oh, sh*t!
What was that? [screaming]
-[screaming]

[coughing]

-She has arrived!
-[gasps]

We welcome you, demon!

-No. [screaming]
-[screaming]

[screaming]

[retching]

Oh, God. No!

[screaming]

-[screaming continues]
-[pounding on door continues]

Help me!

[screaming]

-[screaming]
-[chanting]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screams]

Dee, what are you doing?

Panty raid. Panty raid!

[groaning]

I landed right on the jizz one.

[whispering] Yo, Dennis,
you awake?

[whispering] Yeah, man.

-We're the winners
of the sleepover.
-Sick.

Dude. Man, you did so good.
I'm really proud of you.

Thanks, man. Yeah.

-I had a blast. I really did.
-Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Charlie.
-Yeah?

You wanna draw dicks
on everyone now?

Yes, I do.

[chuckles]