[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[BABY COOING]
[PA CHIMES]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA]
[BABIES COOING, SOBBING]
MIKE: Hi, everybody.
It's October 5th.
Uh. 07:17 p.m.,
and we are in the maternity ward
at Good Sam Hospital.
SUE: Hon, I think we'll remember
where and when we had our baby.
MIKE: It's for posterity, hon.
SUE: Well, for posterity,
why don't you take
the lens cap off?
MIKE: Oh. Good call.
There we go.
And there she is! Hi, Phoebe!
Who's your new friend?
SUE: Mike, stop filming
a stranger's baby.
[COOS]
WOMAN: [CHUCKLES]
That's okay, she's with me.
SUE: Aw!
They're pretty cute together.
WOMAN: You'll have to make me
a copy.
I'm Nora, by the way.
SUE: Sue.
NORA: Here,
I'll give you my number
and maybe we can get
these two together sometime.
SUE: Yeah, I'd like that.
NORA: Hear that, Emma?
Day one, you've already made
your first friend.
["MAKING BREAKFAST" PLAYING]
Watching the garden grow
Happy, happy days
Got egg yolk on my bed
Chinese food on the way
Watching the garden grow
Straight into the sky
Got a candle by my window
That keeps me warm at night
Spending time together
Watch out
Don't let it get you down
And nothing is forever
That's right
But don't let it get you down
And I'm sitting in the back
Of a limousine
Oh, just going to a show
Wishing you were here
Right next to me
Oh, but you already know
That I'm the one
Who loves you
Watch out
Don't let it get you down
And there will be no other
That's right
But don't let it get you down
Oh, yeah, make it rain
Watching the garden grow
Such a beautiful day
It's raining
Through the window
But I like it that way
Watching the garden grow
The color of your eyes
Is changing with the seasons
And God only knows why
Spending time together
Watch out
Don't let it get you down
And there will be no other
That's right
But don't let it get you down
Oh, yeah, make it rain
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Watching the garden grow
Such a beautiful day
It's raining
Through the window
But I like it that way
Watching the garden grow
The color of your eyes
[GRUNTS]
Is changing
With the seasons...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[SONG CONCLUDES]
[MUFFLED] Sorry, not open yet!
I'm a public school teacher.
I can't afford fresh flowers.
PHOEBE: Wow! Look at you!
Hello!
Okay!
Coffee.
Oh, you're the best.
I got you something.
Oh!
PHOEBE: I am loving this
first-day-of-school blowout.
And then I slowly devolve to
the early-December wet topknot.
She is cute too.
Happy teacher new year.
It's a snake plant.
It's supposed
to increase oxygen,
so maybe it'll help keep
your students awake.
Doubtful, but thank you.
[LAUGHS] Okay, here's to...
a whole new class
of pimply faces... [CHUCKLES]
...looking up at you in earnest.
New beginnings.
New notebooks.
And, um, what are we gonna
fill our pages with
this year, Pheebs?
No.
What do you mean, "No"?
I haven't even
said anything yet.
PHOEBE: No, you don't have to.
At the start
of every school year,
you come to me
with some insane idea.
That's not true.
Junior year, fencing lessons.
Which you failed to mention
were only so you could flirt
with dum-dum Mark Zammit.
Without those fencing lessons,
you and I are not working
at the Ren faire that summer.
Em, that was
the worst summer ever.
What? You love working outside.
It was 110 degrees.
And they only paid us
in leg of lamb.
Someday I will learn my lesson,
and stop getting sucked
into your schemes.
They're not schemes,
they're a celebration of life.
Oh.
A search for what the French
call joie de vivre.
[CHUCKLES]
And what do the French call
"torn meniscus"?
Because that is what I got from
from our last celebration
of life.
You can't tell me
the Tough Mudder
wasn't worth it.
You had to carry me
over the finish line.
Of course, because you are
my ride or die.
Exactly. I literally rode you,
and I almost died.
Okay, but what if I told you
that this year's idea--
So there is an idea.
Of course there is.
sh*t. f*ck. ba*ls.
I mean, who am I
if I'm not taking on way more
than I can handle,
and dragging you into it,
so I have someone to say,
"Em! [GASPS] I don't know
how you do it all."
I don't know why you do it all.
I fear stillness.
[CHUCKLES] Mm.
EMMA: Okay,
but what if I told you
that this year's idea
is more rewarding
than anything we've ever done,
and it can be done
almost entirely
from the comfort of home.
Okay. Okay, fine. Hit me.
[QUIRKY, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
What is this year's big idea?
Let's have kids.
What?
f*ck that.
Okay.
Give me one reason why not.
I will give you the reason.
I am not ready.
You don't know that.
Oh, but I do.
I love to sleep,
I swear like
a f*ck' slutty sailor...
Hmm.
...and my favorite thing
in the world
is a... [WHISPERS]
...quiet Sunday brunch
with a crossword puzzle,
and a Bloody Mary. Or three.
None of the things
are f*ck' baby friendly, Emma.
Mm-hmm. It's scary, I get it.
But hear me out.
No, don't go for a list.
She's going for a list
'cause she made a list.
She always makes a list.
"Based on extensive research,
I have deduced that
being pregnant sucks ba*ls."
You quoting a medical journal
on that one?
"And giving birth sounds like
the kind of pain that humans
don't even have
a point of reference for."
Oh, good. Good, good, good.
"And then you have the baby,
and life as you know it
is essentially over,
as this tiny being
slowly devours
your body, mind, and spirit,
with absolutely no awareness
or gratitude
for what you've done."
Fun!
But it's not gonna be like that
for us, okay?
Because we have a secret weapon.
We are gonna do this together.
Okay. A+ for planning.
Um. Here's the thing.
I don't know anything
about babies.
That's why you have me.
I am your newborn cheat-sheet.
I'm already researching
best-in-class products,
physical and emotional
development checkpoints,
sleep training.
[SIGHS]
Okay, remember spring break
in Mexico?
Okay, you didn't wanna go,
I planned the whole thing,
and what did you say?
You said it was the best week
of your life. Exactly.
Best week in my life ever.
Yeah, but okay,
that was one week
with our friends in Cancun.
This is 18 years
with someone I have never met.
And you know I am not a fan
of new people.
You think...
you think I feel ready?
You've done PhD-level research.
I mean, you probably even know
when you're ovulating,
you little freak.
I do.
But that's only because I went
to an OB last week
to make sure, like,
the hardware looked good,
and she called me
a baby-making machine,
by the way.
[LAUGHS]
EMMA: No big deal.
And she made
an ovulation calendar for me.
See? Ready.
Meanwhile, not ready.
I'm like two years overdue
on a gyno visit,
and... I can't even tell you
when my next period is.
September 4th,
maybe September 3rd,
if you've been eating
a lot of vitamin C.
That's sick. You're sick, Emma.
Fine. Maybe you're not ready...
PHOEBE: Mm-hmm.
...okay, but we are.
Plus, look how good you are
at growing things.
Look at this. It's beautiful.
Okay, sure, but the timing
has to be right.
You don't, like,
plant tomatoes in winter.
EMMA: It's 80 degrees out.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You're taking the metaphor
too literally.
They say that raising kids
takes a village, right?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I think for most people
the hardest part
is finding their village...
PHOEBE: Mm-hmm.
...and I found mine
the day I was born.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Wow. The Day One photo.
Yeah.
You're really pulling out
all the stops on this one.
We're so cute.
Look at those baby moms.
They're so young. Wow.
So, what do you say?
I'm not doing this without you.
You wanna, like,
plant some tomatoes?
f*ck it.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, This is so exciting!
Let's do it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Just checking.
You didn't think
I meant literal tomatoes?
[CHUCKLES]
No, let's make babies!
That's what I thought!
Oh, my God!
Let's make some babies!
Oh, my God!
I love you so much.
I've never loved you more.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
EMMA: Wow.
What do you think
our husbands are gonna say?
Oh, since when
do they get a vote?
[BOTH LAUGH]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
[LONG SIGH]
How was your day?
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.
[BOTH SMOOCH]
So ready to crash.
Do you wanna have sex?
Second wind.
Oh! [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
That was pretty cool, right?
Doctor...
Not bad.
[SNORTS, CHUCKLES]
[BOTH SMOOCH]
Honestly, I think
I hurt my wrist.
Oh, honey.
I'm okay.
Okay, great. [CHUCKLES, SMOOCH]
[INHALES, SMOOCH]
[SULTRY SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]
[LIGHTS CLICKING]
EMMA: These are horrible.
Oh, God.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mm.
Thinkin' about you daily
Is the regular
I run it 'cause you special
Makes me know
I gotta step it up...
BEN: Emma?
Uh. [CLEARS THROAT]
In the bedroom.
Hey there.
Well, hello.
Where'd you get
this little number?
Oh, this old thing?
It's part
of my Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Halloween costume.
Oh, Ruth Bader "Skinsburg."
I remember.
[LAUGHS] Skinsburg!
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH SMOOCH]
Um.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
[MELLOW MUSIC OVERLAPPING]
You wanna... make a baby?
You serious?
I mean-- I mean, you know
I like making things,
esp... especially with you.
Remember we made
that bird house?
[BEN CHUCKLES]
How much harder
can a human life be?
I can't imagine much.
[BEN CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
So, you wanna...
Yeah.
[BOTH SMOOCH]
It'll be just like
that banana bread we made.
[SNORTS, LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHEERFUL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
BEN: Still one line.
[SHUSHES]
I don't think it can hear us.
How long has it been?
Let me see.
Going on one hour
and 17 minutes.
[SIGHS] I guess
that's probably a no.
Yeah, I think this one's a no.
[SIGHS]
It's... it.. it's fine.
It's just been a couple months,
you know?
It just means we can try again.
You're right. Let's go!
Hmm.
What, like right now?
[RETCHES, INHALES SHARPLY]
Oh, my God.
[GROANS]
EMMA: These illustrations
are weird.
I mean, it's just making it
more confusing.
I know. But I think
if they use real people,
then it would
just be p*rn*graphy.
Oh, right.
It looks like Ikea instructions.
BEN: Yeah.
EMMA: It's weird.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
All right.
Okay, so, you're an engineer.
These are basically
sexual blueprints,
so, what am I looking at here?
I mean, what is that?
How can you even get
into that position?
Oh, no. Well, see,
that would be you.
See, that's you.
Oh.
I'm the one on top there.
[GASPS]
Oh, so you're--
Okay, so you're, like,
you're... you're sitting on me.
Yeah.
Oh.
It's-- It's called the, uh...
the Butter Churner.
The Butter Churner.
Mm-hmm.
Now, see, if you reverse it,
and you flip it,
then you see, you'd be on top,
now that one's called
the Gentleman, uh, Accordion.
Huh.
'Cause it goes... you know.
Yeah, I see it.
Yeah.
Just to level expectations,
I pulled a hamstring yesterday,
so both of these are out for me.
I mean, I could maybe try
the Twisted Samurai here,
or the, uh,
the Broken Paddleboard
on this side here,
but I mean, both of those
seem even a little dicey.
Have you done all these before?
No.
You seem to know all the names.
No, of course.
No, it's just... just...
just guy wisdom.
Oh! Oh, it's guy wisdom?
Yeah. Just passed down,
you know... Oh.
...with oral history.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]
Oh. Hold on.
[CELL PHONE CLICKS]
Hey.
Hey, do you have
a... a second to talk?
Sure, what's up?
Study this,
and take your pants off.
This'll be quick.
Oh, my God.
Are you trying... right now?
Trying to try?
We're kind of, you know,
doing a dry run
of some new strategies.
Dude, call me back.
Why did you even pick up?
You called twice.
You only call twice
when it's an emergency.
So, come on,
what's the emergency?
Not an emergency.
Uh. Just hanging.
Um. Thinking, you wanna
maybe come by?
After... you're finished?
EMMA: [OVER CELL PHONE] Sure.
You can relax.
I think we'll just do it
the regular way.
Yes!
All right?
All right, be there in ten.
Apology coffee.
Shouldn't have
answered the phone
during foreplay,
if you can even call it that.
You know Ben went
Frisbee golfing yesterday?
I know
it's just so he could avoid sex
for a few hours.
I think he's afraid
I'm gonna break his d*ck.
It's a good strategy.
I mean,
there's nothing less sexy
than Frisbee golf.
I just wanna be like,
"Ben, you get turned on
when you see an avocado."
[PHOEBE GRUNTS]
And now, all of a sudden
he's saying
he's not a farm animal,
and wants to be in the mood.
You think
I'm in the mood every time?
Would I rather be
organizing books by color?
Yeah! Sometimes.
But eventually, you get into it.
Fingers crossed. [CHUCKLES]
EMMA: Right? [CHUCKLES]
That's why I'm so glad
we're doing this together.
Mm.
And I know I'm overreacting.
I mean, statistically speaking,
what are the chances
of getting pregnant
on your first cycle?
Twenty-five percent.
Exactly, 25 percent.
If there's a 25 percent chance
of rain,
I'm not bothering
with an umbrella, right?
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
I don't know for sure.
But I did just puke my guts out,
and... I missed my period.
What? How long ago?
Okay, I missed two periods.
Oh, my God!
I have an avoidant personality,
you know this.
Okay, well,
why haven't you taken a test?
I bought one,
but I'm too scared
to take it alone.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Oh.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
I can't look.
[BREATHES DEEPLY,
CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[GIGGLES]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
[SOBS]
[PHOEBE GASPS, SOBS]
I'm gonna go out
on a very sturdy limb,
and assume you don't have
an OB yet?
Yeah.
I'll send you
some names. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you. Also, my mom.
You absolutely have to be there
when I tell my mom.
Pheebs...
Dude, she calls you
the daughter she never had.
To me, her actual daughter.
Remember when she awkwardly
offered to adopt me
after my parents died?
[GASPS] Do I remember
when my mom tried to adopt
a 23-year-old grown-a*s woman?
I do.
You know big news
freaks her out.
She'll hop
on her catastrophe train,
and blow
right through Happy Town.
But she, like, tries
to be her best self with you,
so if you are there,
we won't fight.
But that's never
stopped you before.
We argue around you,
we don't fight.
There is a difference.
Okay, I promise
I'm not gonna be
this needy the whole time.
Listen to me.
Listen, you better be.
Thank you.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] Oh, my God.
Okay, let's get a picture.
First one of the three of us!
Okay. Yeah. Wow.
Ready?
Okay. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Say "embryonic development!"
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- I'll call you later!
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
[MERRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Now go get...
[WHISPERS] ...f*cking pregnant!
[CHUCKLES] 'Cause I am not
doing this alone.
You heard her.
Get your sh*t together!
[CHUCKLES] Yeah!
I love you. Both of you!
I love you too--
We... we love you too!
EMMA: Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm already planning
your baby shower.
D... do not.
Too late.
Hatching theme.
Get ready for an omelet bar.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm walking away.
A banner that says,
"She's Egg-specting"?
Can't... can't hear you anymore!
EMMA:
Oh, this is gonna be great!
Ah. [CHUCKLES] "Egg-specting."
That's pretty good. That's good.
[CHUCKLES, YELLS] f*ck!
ROB: You do not want kids.
I think we do.
Kids are a pain in the a*s.
Fresh cervezas por mi familia?
Thanks, hon.
Oh, baby and I are Duolingo-ing.
Should the, uh, baby's
first words be, uh, "beer"?
Si. Okay.
AMANDA: Um. You--
BEN: You know that?
Let me just help you out.
Ah! Gracias, Benito.
BEN: Oh, de... de nada.
ROB: Look, Em, I'm sorry
Phoebe lapped you...
[GULPS, EXHALES]
...in this weird pregnancy race
you guys were running together.
She did not lap me.
I mean,
she... she might be ahead,
but I'm still on the track.
How does she look, by the way?
Don't do that.
Stupid question.
I'm sure she looks incredible.
You're gross. You're so gross.
Seriously,
I'm just being honest.
Kids are
a g*dd*mn nightmare. All right?
They fight all the time,
they're ungrateful.
They're expensive.
We can hear you, Dad.
Get over here.
Come on, come see me.
You too, Al. Come here.
Okay, tell me everything.
What do you guys want
for Christmas?
Oh, I want a purple Tesla.
EMMA: Oh, cool. What about you?
I want a boa constrictor
with some mice.
[GASPS] Oh.
EMMA: With some mice!
When you have a baby,
will I still be your favorite?
Mom! Stevie said
she's Emma's favorite!
Listen to me,
you are both my favorites.
Forever and always.
Girls, why don't you
go watch Bluey.
I'm picking the episode!
We have to agree!
[CHUCKLES]
You guys f*ck with Bluey?
[EXHALES] Yeah.
Do we f*ck with Bluey?
I'm sorry, what's that?
Greatest show ever created.
See? There you go, you know?
Having kids
introduced you to "Bluesy."
BOTH: Bluey.
It's Bluey.
Bluey.
AL: Mom! Mom!
Excuse me.
ROB: By the way,
I'm not saying don't have kids.
I'm saying
don't have kids right now.
You guys are young.
I'm older than you.
And if having kids
is such a nightmare,
why are you having a third?
You think I'm psyched
about that, Emma?
I'm f*cking terrified.
You know what they say
about having your third kid.
No.
They say
it's like you're drowning,
and someone throws you a baby.
Oh.
Look, I know I have to say,
"I wouldn't change a thing,"
but if you told me that
I could have the same kids,
but wait ten years
before I have 'em,
I would take that deal
in a heartbeat.
But as a therapist
recently pointed out to me,
when you're 19 years old,
and you lose
both your parents suddenly,
having a lot of unprotected sex
is a reasonable coping strategy.
He said "reasonable"?
Actually, I think
he said "predictable."
You're seeing a therapist?
That's great. Good for you, man.
No, this was some guy
I ended up talking to
at Whole Foods...
who happened to be a therapist.
Well...
But it made me very grateful
to have knocked up
an incredible woman,
who is a total smokeshow.
AMANDA: Ooh.
And I am completely in love
with her to this very day.
Oh. [SMOOCH]
[SMOOCH]
AMANDA: Thank you, bubba.
Hot mom alert. [LAUGHS]
Yeah, she is.
Also an incredibly fertile woman
who desperately wants a boy.
I am carrying low this time,
so I think
it is our baby George.
GIRLS: [YELLING] Mom!
[MUFFLED THUDDING]
Coming! [SIGHS]
You can do it.
[THUDDING CONTINUES]
Spoiler alert,
it'll be another f*ck' girl.
Watch. Boys are easy.
They're dumb.
Girls are born smart.
And I don't mean
book-smart, all right? I mean...
like resourceful, crafty.
Taking mental notes,
looking for weaknesses.
It's like living
with Velociraptors.
You ever seen a Velociraptor?
I mean, not in person, no.
Uh. You know,
it'll happen when it happens...
[INHALES DEEPLY]
...but I think what your sister
needs to hear right now
is that this won't affect
her friendship with Phoebe.
Ben is absolutely right.
See? Thank you.
I mean about it happening
when it happens.
Not about the Phoebe thing.
That friendship is going
to be... different.
All right? People with kids,
and people without kids
may as well be living
on different planets.
And in six months' time,
when Phoebe goes to live
on Planet Kids,
sure, you can go visit
her planet...
[SLURPS, GULPS]
...but she can never go back to
Planet Before Kids ever again.
And let me give you
a list of things
you will never be able to do
once you have kids.
Think straight,
see your friends,
go to non-animated movies,
listen to music
with explicit lyrics,
uh, day drink.
You are literally day drinking
right now.
Last but not least,
take a sh*t
without someone bursting
into the bathroom
for no apparent reason
other than interrupting
your only ten minutes
of solitude for the day.
You make me want to "Bluey"
my brains out.
Excuse me.
We have an announcement.
We have a performance.
Dad, hold my teeth.
[EMMA CHUCKLES]
This is the stage.
You gotta move.
[GROANS]
["HELL RAISER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm a hell raiser
Rock shows get paper
Law breaker
I'm a bad b*tch slayer
I'm a bad m*therf*cker
'Cause the good die young...
No lessons.
Oh.
Superstars.
Hey, Em.
Don't worry about
what I said before.
You'll make other friends.
Law breaker
I'm a bad b*tch slayer
[SIGHS]
Hell raiser
Rock shows get paper
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[BEN SNORING SOFTLY]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Oh, my God.
Wake up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Let's go, let's go!
Wake up! Wake up!
BEN: Oh, my God!
[STAMMERS] What's wrong?
Got the double smiley face
on the ovulation stick.
Huh? What... time is it?
It is go time.
It is put-a-baby-in-me o'clock.
Arms up!
[GROANS]
Don't undress me like a child.
We're sitting
on two smiley faces right now.
There's no smiley face
right here. All right?
I'm not like, uh, some sex robot
who can just... [CLICKS TONGUE]
...turn it on
at the drop of a hat.
Yes, you are.
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] No, I am not.
I need, like...
What? Okay, well,
what do you need?
...to--
What do I have to do
to activate Sex-a-tron?
For starters, can you please
take out your retainer?
EMMA: Ha! Easy.
[RETAINERS CLICKING]
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[MUFFLED] Oh,
it's really in there. [GRUNTS]
Happy?
I don't know how to answer that.
I... I thought, you know,
trying to conceive a child
would be, you know, like, fun.
No, wait. Okay, I'm sorry.
All right,
let's... let's start over.
No.
[EXHALES]
You know, double smiley face...
EMMA: No, mm, mm, mm. [GRUNTS]
You're right, it is work.
I mean, not for you.
You don't have to record
your menstrual cycles,
monitor ovulation,
take your temperature
six times a day,
pop prenatal vitamins
the size of horse pills
that make you constipated.
Make sure you're getting
enough exercise,
but not too much exercise,
because that
could stress your ovaries.
And don't even get me started
on food.
Am I eating too many
sunflower seeds or not enough?
What about mature cheeses,
or... or full-fat dairy,
or liver?
Yeah! I've been eating
liver for us.
Organs, Ben. Mm, mm, mm. Organs.
Oh, but don't forget
to make sure
it's still fun for your partner.
Em, I--
EMMA: No, it's fine.
We'll just have
a super tiny window next month.
Thanks.
What can I do
to make this easier for you?
I want you to see a doctor,
and make sure
everything's working.
Okay.
You think I'm spiraling?
No, uh, I think...
me getting my...
equipment checked
makes perfect sense.
We'll figure this out.
And if we don't, you know,
we can look into IVF,
or adoption.
You know,
there's more than one way
to start a family.
But that's gonna take time.
And I don't have time.
You heard what my brother said.
Yeah, I did.
So, you know,
let's... let's get drunk,
and sleep in while we still can.
Our time will come.
No, I can't do that.
Not when my best friendship
is on the line.
Em, it's not.
You don't get it.
Phoebe and I
are not just friends
because we were born
on the same day.
It is because we've spent
our lives together.
We have done literally
everything together.
Okay, fact.
You're friends with people
in your grade growing up,
people you work with
in your twenties,
and people who have kids
at the same time as you
for the rest of your life.
So, the one thing
we aren't doing together
is the one thing
we have to do together.
Otherwise, you know, our kids
end up in different grades,
we end up hanging out
with different parents.
I mean, sure,
we'll... we'll still talk,
but, you know,
it's just gonna be
glory days sh*t.
If I don't get pregnant
by the time Phoebe has her baby,
like, I know
this sounds dramatic,
but it's true,
like, our friendship,
as we know it, will be over.
That does sound dramatic.
But I see your point.
So, let's check the junk.
[MERRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Okay, I did not realize
how complicated
this whole setup is.
Trust me,
it's not that complicated.
EMMA: Oh, the p*nis detaches!
Don't mess with that.
Ooh! [MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
BEN: No, don't...
Oh, I shouldn't play with--
[GASPS] Oh!
Oh. Oh.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
Oh, my God.
Hello.
Hello. Howdy.
[GRUNTS]
Uh. I'm sorry
for shattering your p*nis.
Not the first time
I've heard that.
I'll take care of it.
Oh, also, there's a testicle
rolling around here somewhere.
Oh, it happens
all the time in surgery.
Totally kidding, of course.
Surgery is very safe here.
Actually, this is based
on me, anatomically.
Oh.
That's a joke.
My p*nis is much, much...
smaller than that.
What?
Sorry, I am off today.
Is this not as funny
as I think it is?
I would say maybe more...
It's right on the edge
of the line.
Yeah.
Maybe a little bit past.
That's what
they keep telling me,
but this office
is my comedic proving ground.
If it works here,
it's gonna work on stage.
I host an open-mic
at the Helium Club.
[BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY]
That... that's another...
another joke?
No, no, that's real.
That's Tuesdays.
Feel free to stop by.
Okay, we... we will.
DR. YOUNG: Yeah.
May... maybe.
So, you are here
for a fertility evaluation.
Correct.
Which hand
would you like me to use?
[CHUCKLES]
There it is.
There's the laugh
I was hoping for.
More of an exasperated chuckle.
Uh. Look,
you are wildly inappropriate,
and, uh, you're probably
gonna lose your medical license.
This is a doctor's office.
We're quite familiar
with cancellations.
I also like wordplay.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
In the meantime,
let's deal with your problem.
Cool.
Uh. I mean, not that I have
a... a problem, you know?
[STAMMERS] It's just...
You wanna get pregnant,
and it's not happening for you.
Exactly.
How long have you been trying?
A few months, plus or minus.
Well, no, not minus, plus.
First of all,
congratulations on being here.
Most men wouldn't even conceive,
wordplay again,
the idea that
the problem was theirs.
But male factor
infertility accounts
for nearly 50 percent
of the cases.
Male reproduction
is a complicated process.
There's a thousand things
that could go wrong.
Maybe you have
some congenital cyst.
Maybe it's from an old case
of Chlamydia?
No.
I don't know, sailor,
I bet you're pretty popular
in port.
Nope.
But first of all, the fun part
gets you in the collection room
right away.
Okay, great. Collection room.
Yeah, I wanted to call it
the "masturbation station"
but HR shut me down.
Come with me.
Collection room number one.
All yours. Take your time.
The whole office
will be huddled around the door,
waiting for you to finish.
Joke.
Have fun in there.
Oh, and please do come
to my show.
The more people I bring,
the more time
they give me on stage.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CELL PHONE CLICKING]
[TOY SQUELCHES]
Oh! There's the testicle.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
[CELL PHONE CLICKING]
Uh. Hi.
Hello.
Is everything okay in there?
Uh. Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, fine.
No, everything's not okay
in here.
I mean, like, there's... there's
a double lock on the door,
which is great,
but it reminds me of the fact
that I'm ten feet away
from some guy in a cubicle
processing insurance payments.
And, like-- And then there's,
like, these... these rags,
and all of them are so pilly,
there's no way
any of them are new.
I don't understand why
this is a problem for you.
This is literally the only time
when you jerking off
is productive.
Is there porn?
I mean, yeah, but...
Em, I'm afraid to touch it.
Oh, that's probably smart.
[SIGHS]
You want me to do
the Scottish voice?
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
Oh, you're a dirty boy.
Oh, you're just disgustin'.
Get over here!
I'm going to scalp your arse.
Now, picture me in a kilt,
and get 'er done.
Aye, lass.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[TRAFFIC RUMBLING]
How you feeling?
Excited.
Yeah.
Nervous, nauseous.
[CHUCKLES, BREATHES DEEPLY]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Me too.
Hey, um,
before the doctor gets here,
just a little heads-up,
so not a big deal,
but I invited Emma.
[CHUCKLES] To what?
Brian, I had to.
Your schedule
is so unpredictable,
I didn't wanna risk
doing this alone, you know?
But you... you invited Emma
to... to this?
Yeah.
[SCOFFS] Okay, sweetie, I...
I... I... I'm... I'm here.
I said I'd be here, I'm here.
I would never miss this.
It's just that Emma and I said
we wanted
to get pregnant together.
Like, obviously it didn't happen
the way we planned,
so I just don't want her
to feel left out, you know?
I'm sorry. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna back you up
just... a second. Um.
Did Emma know
we were trying to have kids
before I knew
we were trying to have kids?
Oh, yeah.
It was actually her idea.
Okay, um... [CHUCKLES]
I love... I love you.
I love you too, Brian.
BRIAN: Yeah.
And I do love Emma.
Hmm.
[GRUNTS] I love you and Emma,
um, but this is a lot.
Sure.
Totally.
No, I agree, it's a lot.
BRIAN: Yeah.
It's a lot.
Uh-huh.
I see you. I hear you.
But she's, like,
so amazing at all of this,
and she did find me this doctor.
Sh... she did?
Yeah.
Huh.
That's great. Um. [SCOFFS]
Emma found the obstetrician
that's gonna be delivering
our baby.
Uh-huh.
Sure, um, makes sense.
It's not like
you're married to a doctor
who might have an opinion.
[PHOEBE SOBS]
I'm sorry.
Okay. Okay. It's okay.
PHOEBE: No.
I'm so sorry. It's okay.
[SNIFFLES]
I'm sure whoever Emma found
is gonna be great.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
And I just--
For me, I just wanted
to feel maybe, like,
I was just included in,
I don't know, any of this.
That's not why
I'm crying. [SIGHS]
BRIAN: Then why are you crying?
I have no idea. Hormones?
Okay.
I cry, like,
multiple times a day now.
And I almost never know... why.
And when I do know why,
it's, like, insane.
Like this morning,
I go to make eggs...
and there's that chicken,
that cartoon chicken,
on the carton.
I've seen it a hundred...
hundreds of times.
Uh-huh.
But this morning, I'm like...
[INHALES SHAKILY]
...they're making her lay
all these eggs.
[WHIMPERS, CLICKS TONGUE]
She's working so hard,
and she is so tired.
[SOBS] And she's got no support.
This is what a chicken
is born to do.
It's its life's purpose.
But how do you know that--
That... that's what
the chicken does.
Knock, knock! Oh.
Oh, no! Hey. Excuse me.
Is this about the chicken?
Yeah. [SOBS]
Hey, I'm sorry.
It's about the chicken.
Hi, everyone, I'm Dr. Morrison.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I was playing
in a charity rugby tournament
over at Northgate Park.
Oh.
[CELL PHONE RINGING, VIBRATING]
Sorry, one minute.
[GRUNTS] Oui, bonjour.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
Oui. Oui. Merci.
Great pick, Em.
Can't wait to meet the doula.
[DOOR CLOSING]
Okay. Which one
of you is... Phoebe?
That would be moi.[CHUCKLES]
IAN: Congratulations.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Emma.
IAN: Hi, Emma.
I'm the best friend
just here to support.
[CHUCKLES] You know?
[CHUCKLES]
I'm... I'm Brian. Also--
Yes.
I'm-- Sorry. Excuse me.
I'm... [CHUCKLES]
...I'm the husband.
IAN: Ah.
And father-to-be.
Also... also a doctor.
Ah, yes,
I can see by the scrubs.
I'm sorry there's
no white lab coat for me.
We kind of try to keep things
casual around here.
Speaking with "Dr. Morrison"
always feels so formal.
So, feel free to call me Ian.
[LAUGHS] Okay, Ian.
That's a great sweater, Ian.
PHOEBE: Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
I'm gonna stick
with Dr. Morrison, actually.
Yeah, all those years
of med school?
You earned it.
You are a funny guy, Ryan.
That is so true.
And I always say laughter
is the best kind of medicine.
Other than, uh, penicillin.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
It's not real medicine
is what you're saying.
EMMA: Yeah, exactly.
All right. Well...
shall we take a look
at your cervix?
Oh, my God, stop. [GIGGLES]
Oh, you w-- Yeah.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
EMMA: So, you're eleven weeks.
PHOEBE: Oh, my God, I am?
EMMA: Mm-hmm.
Growing a little cherry tomato.
EMMA: Aw!
[SIGHS] You know,
I think maybe we explore
the idea of a different doctor.
Aw, sweetie.
Does it make you uncomfortable
that our doctor is so handsome?
No, it's not like
you've never been around
a really handsome doctor before.
But Ian is so hot,
and he speaks French
and he plays Rugby...
Can you not call him Ian?
He asked us to call him Ian.
EMMA: Look, all I'm saying is...
[SIGHS]
...that ultrasound wand
just went in real easy.
[CHUCKLES]
So inappropriate, Emma.
[CHUCKLES]
Please, if you're gonna be
a part of this whole thing,
I'm begging you,
I need you to tighten it up.
I'm gonna have to...
You're gonna have
to tighten it up! [LAUGHS]
Please don't make this
two against one.
I'm sorry I don't fill out
a sweater, okay?
I'm more of an endurance guy.
You could...
you could start lifting though.
I don't like this.
I don't wanna play...
I don't wanna play this game.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, sh*t. Okay, that's my mom.
Do you wanna change?
No, I'm good.
I like to remind your mom
that I'm a doctor.
I'm... I'm just gonna say hi
on the way out.
Oh, now, you wanna leave?
No, you can't leave.
We talked about this.
She's way better behaved
when you're here.
Oh, my God.
Look alive.
[BRIAN SIGHS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
You guys look really weird.
Oh.
She's gonna know
something is up.
Of course she's gonna know
something's up.
You invited her over here.
Just like...
What is this?
[EXHALES] Okay.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Hi, Mom!
You took forever
to answer the door.
I've got a conference call
in... 20 minutes.
Okay.
[BRIAN BREATHES DEEPLY]
Hi, Sue.
Hey.
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
[CHUCKLES] Nothing's wrong.
[CHUCKLES] What, are you crazy?
Excuse me?
I... I... I didn't mean crazy.
Why... why would I say "crazy"?
I'd be crazy to call you crazy.
Everybody knows you never call
a woman "crazy."
I also know
you never tell a woman to relax.
B.
Let me get your coat.
No, I'm fine.
It's always a little chilly
in here.
Well, I was actually
just on my way out, so...
But it was so good to see you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Emma's gonna stay.
For all of it. [CHUCKLES]
I guess I'm staying. [CHUCKLES]
Let's go this way. Shall we?
Okay.
Brian, settle. Just...
Okay.
So, we... [INHALES DEEPLY]
...are having a baby. [CHUCKLES]
Yay! [CHUCKLES]
The three of you.
[SIGHS]
I should probably go.
No. [CHUCKLES] Stay.
Yeah, you know what?
I'll walk you out.
No. Definitely not. [CHUCKLES]
Uh. This is the part
where you say,
"Congratulations!
I am so happy for you both."
Who is going to run your store?
Are you serious?
You will understand this
when you become a mother,
but it's my job to worry
about every aspect of your life.
Even when I am not worried
about it?
Especially when
you're not worried about it.
Well, you can't worry about her
all the time.
You know?
Then what's my job? [CHUCKLES]
Emma, it's always so great
to see you,
but why are you here?
I have been asking
the same question.
Oh, so have I.
She is here because
I am not doing any of this
without her.
No.
[CHUCKLES]
What? What?
What... what is so funny?
Well, you can do
a lot of it with her,
but when it comes time
to push that pineapple
out of the mouse hole...
Wow.
EMMA: Whew.
...then, you are on your own.
[SIGHS]
I will be there.
Obviously we can't physically
have this kid together,
but once she pushes the baby
out of the mouse hole,
um, I will be right there
with her every step of the way.
Okay. Well, it seems
you have all this under control,
so, congratulations.
I'm so happy for both of you.
You too, Brian.
I don't need that. That's fine.
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
So, I was reading this article
on fertility foods,
so I've been eating,
you know, like walnuts,
and... and lentils, salmon...
Actually, I made
this beef liver smoothie
this morning that was--
Oh, my God! Hey.
[RETCHES, COUGHS]
It's okay, she's just drunk.
[LAUGHS]
Come on!
There's a bench over there.
Emma! [CHUCKLES]
Let's sit down for a minute.
Do you want your crackers?
PHOEBE: No, not yet.
EMMA: Okay.
God. I officially hate
being pregnant.
Sorry. I didn't...
Stop. We're not doing that.
Okay?
Okay.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
I just...
got a little freaked out
ever since my mom
acted like you and I won't...
you know.
Rob basically said
the same thing.
He did?
Well, he was so Rob, you know?
He said, like, "There's a planet
for people with kids,
and a planet
for people without kids."
So, we're on
different planets now?
Okay, we're not taking
parenting advice
from my crypto-bro brother.
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, he does know
a thing or two
about having kids.
Sure, and so does your mom.
But guess what they don't know?
Well, between the two of them,
pretty much everything
on the spectrum
of emotional intelligence?
[LAUGHS] Exactly.
[SCOFFS]
And, you know,
they don't know this.
This is some Day One sh*t
right there.
Nothing is ever gonna
change that. Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Ever.
[PHOEBE SIGHS]
[RAIN PATTERING SOFTLY]
[BEN SNORING SOFTLY]
[BREATHES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
f*ck you both.
[SIGHS]
[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
EMMA: So, Ben's results
came back,
and there is no issues.
Like, everything works fine.
And as our doctor/
aspiring comedian said,
Ben's sperm is as strong
as Richard Pryor's early stuff.
Okay. And that's... good?
I think it means good.
Great.
Okay, last one.
Rob... [SCOFFS] ...you guys
are about to have another kid.
Are you sure
you don't need any of this?
For sure.
You're doing us a favor.
Besides, this is all stuff
you think you can't live without
on your first kid,
and then realize
it's completely useless
on your second kid.
Oh, my God.
I'm dying.
Oh, they're so tiny!
ROB: Yeah, you know who doesn't
need a pair of shoes?
[CHUCKLES]
A seven-pound blob
that doesn't have
the core strength to sit up
let alone walk.
Is this changing pad
phthalate-free?
What the f*ck is a "phthalate"?
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[GROANS]
Come on, B. [SIGHS]
How are things with, uh,
with you and Brian?
Uh. Sorry.
What?
Really?
Pregnancy can be very stressful
on a relationship, Emma.
I wanna make sure she's okay.
I've known Phoebe
my entire life,
and we have always had
a connection.
Is that why you would steal
my yearbook,
and dog-ear all the pages
she was on?
Bullshit, Emma.
It's not bullshit.
I dog-eared one page...
I saw those dog-ears--
...because I was doing
a report on volleyball.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
Phoebe happened to be
on the team that year.
It was a volleyball project?
BRIAN: [SHUSHES] Shut up!
Oh, that's totally real.
Shut up.
You shut up.
[GROANS] He's stuck in surgery.
I knew this was bound to happen.
[IN SARCASTIC TONE, GROANS]
How dare he save lives.
He is missing
our birthing class.
I get to be a little peeved,
even if he is saving lives.
All right, I'll do it.
When is it? I'll go.
[CHUCKLES] You--
I'm a great birthing coach.
No, I believe you.
You've d... done it
multiple times.
But, uh, I'm fine.
Why don't you go invest
in more Fart Coin or whatever?
That one's gonna pay off.
Go home, Volleyball.
You are so mean.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENING, CLOSING]
Ugh!
It's cute. It's cute.
Anyway, I will go with you.
No, it's okay.
I can go on my own.
Oh, come on.
We'll get food. It'll be fun.
But that is so unfair
to dangle food
in front of a pregnant woman.
Okay. Can I have 17 tacos,
and a strawberry milkshake, please?
["TRY ME OUT SOMETIME" PLAYING]
Look me up sometime
Look me up sometime
When you're trying to get off
But can't just hit the bit
[GONG REVERBERATES]
Welcome, and love.
We're to start the day
by greeting the seeds
among us and within us.
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING]
Go ahead and greet them now.
Hello.
[LAUGHS]
And I see a new face.
Let's meet our new friend
joining us on our journey,
and in our small village.
Hi! Thank you.
Um. So, I am Emma.
I am not expecting, obviously.
Well, I guess not obviously.
But I mean, I mean
I really wanted to be,
but it didn't--
You know, I could--
Uh. It is what it is. It's cool.
It's cool-cool in the pool-pool.
Um. Wow! I am a teacher.
I can do better than that,
and I'm sorry.
This is
an apology-free zone, Irma.
Emma.
Dharma?
Emma.
Thelma.
"Em-ah."
Thank you for sharing.
And Phoebe, tell us,
what are the small joys
that you're discovering
on your journey
since our last class?
I guess I've been finding
that on days where I'm so tired,
and I can't get anything done,
I take comfort in knowing that
I'm making this baby. [CHUCKLES]
Pheebs! I'm so proud of you.
Hmm.
I mean, you've been so brave
and honest,
sharing the complicated
relationship
that you've had
with your own mother
over the years, so I know that
this is huge progress for you.
You're breaking the cycle, Mama.
Mama?
So, for me,
I know I'm a broken record,
but I am finding joy in being
on this journey for a third time
with, um, just the most
important person in my life.
You know, my rock,
my number one, my ride-or-die,
my everything.
Literally the most
important person in my life.
My soul-sister Madison.
Oh, my God. Bells. [SIGHS]
I was gonna say the same thing.
No!
No, no, l... literally.
I was about to say
"broken record."
Literally.
Stop! [CHUCKLES]
I love you.
Hold my pinkie.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry... what? [CHUCKLES]
You guys have gotten pregnant
at the same time three times?
Bella says we have
psychic ovaries. [CHUCKLES]
And thrice
through my course as well.
Yes. And it's been...
transformative.
Challenging.
Oh.
Oh!
All right, going to begin by
reconnecting with our bodies,
our partners,
and our little ones.
So, supporting partner,
I want you to sit cross-legged.
Our fruit-bearers,
go ahead and lay your head back
into your partner's lap.
And supporting partner,
I want you
to take in your fruit-bearer.
We are such complex
human beings.
[SINGS] We are a cornucopia
Of feeling
I'm going to ask you now
to close your eyes,
and take a deep,
cleansing breath.
And relax.
You are not thinking about
your to-do list.
You're not thinking about
the shoulds and the woulds.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
GUIDE: You are simply accepting
the beauty in this moment.
The beauty is not
in what we want,
but accepting
the beautiful things
that we have.
Let go.
[WHISPERS] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I've gotta go.
Are you okay? [GRUNTS] Emma...
ATTENDEE:
Why does she get to leave?
Em...
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DISTANT DOG BARKING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Emma? f*ck! Look out!
[SCREAMS]
[BALL THUDDING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[PANTS]
Dude, are you okay?
Will you slow down?
Oh, my God. Are you bleeding?
I'm fine! I just need
to get some tampons.
For your nose?
No, not for my f*cking nose.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You okay?
Yeah. No more blood.
Great.
I'm back to normal. [CHUCKLES]
That's not
what I was talking about though.
I'm worried about you, Emma.
I just don't know
why we can't sync up on this.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Like, I don't...
I don't know why.
It's not like we haven't taken
different paths before.
You know?
We went to different colleges.
We have different jobs.
We got married
at different times
to different people.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I don't know, this feels...
this maybe feels
a little different.
Right?
Like, we did
those things separately,
but... also
kind of felt together.
I'm not sure I feel...
together on this one.
Yeah.
Okay. Safe space.
Until we finish
these hot chocolates,
we are allowed
to lay it all out,
be absolutely honest
with ourselves and each other,
no hard feelings.
I'll start. Okay.
You know
who I find really annoying?
Those pregnant women
who walk around
all the time
just rubbing their bellies,
talking nonstop about
"the baby," but the thing is,
I think I have become
that pregnant person.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Like, the truth is,
this kid is pretty much
all I think about now, Emma.
And I know I have asked
so much of you already,
but I...
I just love ya, and...
I desperately need
and want you to be all-in
in having and raising
this kid with me.
And I... I don't know
how to do half-in.
I don't know
how to walk on eggshells, Em.
But if that is, like, shitty,
and annoying, or hard,
or completely f*cking boring
to someone who isn't pregnant,
then I get it, I really do.
You just gotta tell me.
And then I will...
I will give you space from this.
And I promise, I really promise,
it won't affect
our friendship at all.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
'Cause this is f*ck' hard.
And I know that
this is hard for you.
It's, um... [SMACKS LIPS]
[CHUCKLES] Listen...
When have I ever been half-in?
Never.
And do you really think
I'm gonna start
with the most important
event of our lives?
I don't know. I mean,
you've put up a good--
Oh...
[TENDER MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God. [CHUCKLES]
PHOEBE: Do you feel that?
Yeah.
It's a girl.
I knew it. I frickin' knew it!
Our little tomato's a girl.
EMMA: [GASPS] Oh!
Oh, and she is--
EMMA: Whoa!
She is really kicking
around in there.
Yeah.
EMMA: Having a little dance?
Okay.
EMMA: All right.
Eh!
Eh!
Oh!
Oh!
Eh!
Eh...
Oh.
Oh...
[EMMA LAUGHS]
["OOM SHA LA LA" PLAYING]
EMMA: Oh, you're home early.
Hey.
Grading papers?
I wish. I'm working
on Phoebe's baby shower.
I think I maybe went
a little overboard.
You, uh, always go overboard.
It's part of your charm.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay, you need a break.
Pencils down.
I have a surprise for you.
Why?
And I know how much
you hate surprises,
so I'm just gonna tell you
what it is.
We are going out tonight.
Okay.
First, we're gonna have
a couples massage at Kanani,
'cause I know how much you love
the gentle touch
of a complete stranger.
I do.
And then,
we're having dinner at a little
place called Cloverly.
No, we are not!
Yes, we are.
How? I've been trying
to get us in
for so long, since they opened.
Let's just say that
your husband's a big shot
and has pull around town.
[CHUCKLES]
BEN: No work stuff,
no baby shower stuff.
Tonight is just about
you and me.
Oh, my God. I love you.
["BLAH BLAH BLAH" PLAYING]
Poison, please
There's blood in the water
Like antifreeze
For neon-dripping
Daughters...
[GASPS] I can't believe
you pulled this off.
Hey, Cormac.
Hey, Ben.
Welcome to Cloverly.
I'll go check on your table.
All right.
My mom says thank you so much
for the flowers, by the way.
Don't mention it.
Don't mention it.
What is-- Cormac? Who...
I may have to put in
a lot of face time
to get this reservation.
Let's say, I basically know
the whole staff by now.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey! Hey, guys!
Oh, my God! What?
How are you? Oh, my God!
What the hell?
BRIAN: What's going on, man?
Did you...
did you organize this?
Uh, no, I sure did not.
What are you guys doing here?
Oh, we're just, uh,
getting a bite to eat.
What are you doing here?
Yeah.
Been so busy at the hospital
lately that I probably haven't
been around as much
as I should be,
so I'm trying to make up for it.
But I'm really glad
that you guys are here.
There was an issue with
the reservation. It's my fault.
Um, but maybe when Phoebe
sees you guys,
she'll forget
she's pissed at me.
Nope. Mm-mm.
Oh...
Hi.
Hello!
[CHUCKLES] Hi!
Did he tell you what he did?
It was more done to me.
I feel like I'm the victim here.
Did you know there's
an internet black market
for restaurant reservations?
Did you also know
there is a black market
for fake reservations?
[SIGHS]
I didn't... I didn't know.
I just-- I didn't know.
No.
If we're ready?
Oh, hey.
My man. How we lookin'?
Any luck?
Did I have any luck
finding the reservation
you made on the dark web?
I did not.
BRIAN: Uh, look.
I'm sorry.
I... I made a mistake.
I got it, but the website says
that you take walk-ins.
So, I don't know,
can we maybe just walk in?
Absolutely. If you don't mind
splitting up,
I can probably seat one of you
inside the heating vent
and the other person
could hold a squat
in the parking lot,
if that works for you.
[LAUGHS]
This is not funny.
Um. Well, hey,
can they sit with us?
Oh!
No, no, no. Emma,
we are not crashing
your romantic dinner.
Stop, stop, stop.
Can we just get
a couple more chairs
at the table?
[SMACKS LIPS]
As much as I would love
to not be helpful,
yes, of course we can
accommodate that.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll just follow me.
It's a bit of a walk
to the table.
Good think you wore
hiking clothes.
[SIGHS]
CORMAC: Right this way.
Thank you.
Are you sure this is okay?
Pressure to party
Gonna stay in
Nothing good can come
From me drinking...
Yeah, right.
BEN: Yeah. No, I had a dog.
Wait, you had a dog growing up?
What? I didn't tell you this?
No! How did you
not tell me this?
BEN: I had to have
told you this.
Yeah, I had a dog growing up.
What's the dog up to now?
Hit by a car.
That's not how he died though.
BRIAN: How'd he die?
Poisoned by another dog.
[LAUGHS]
EMMA: Anyway...
Okay. Give us the baby updates.
Okay, well,
I have been on one this week.
Okay.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I've been
exhausted for months,
and all of a sudden I have this,
like, newfound energy.
Like, I came home
from work today
and I painted the nursery.
Wow.
Uh, mama bird is nesting.
I am.
I am really nesting.
I've actually read
all the articles
that you've sent me.
You read them?
PHOEBE: Yeah.
You are a different person.
[PHOEBE LAUGHS]
And I just read the one
about talking to your baby.
Oh.
I mean, obviously,
we talk to the baby.
But I didn't know that she could
differentiate the voices.
Well, so, she's listening
to us right now?
Yeah. Are you ready
to introduce yourselves,
Uncle Ben and Auntie Em?
Ooh! Don't love those nicknames.
Not great.
Oh, you don't have to...
No, come on. Say hi.
- Cute.
- It's so loud in here,
the baby's not even
gonna be able to hear me.
PHOEBE: Okay, don't be weird.
Yeah. You got to. Come on.
PHOEBE: Yeah.
Hi. [LAUGHS] I'm Emma.
PHOEBE: Louder.
Uh, hello, it's Emma!
I'm so excited to meet you!
[CHUCKLES]
What about you, Ben?
Oh...
Hey, what's up--
Have you guys
thought about baby names?
Names!
Oh, my God.
You mean our most
frequent argument?
Yeah, I didn't know
that I had a say.
I thought this was something
you guys worked out.
[LAUGH]
Okay. A lot of strong opinions.
Um, but you know, we should
ask them what they think.
PHOEBE: Of whose pick?
Either one, just throw it
out there. Blind study.
Okay.
Yeah, go for it.
Hortense.
Hortense.
That's not... a name.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
BEN: Hortense?
They're laughing.
They are laughing.
Wait, you can't. You can't.
Because it-- I mean--
You can't give a name
that starts with--
"wh*re."
"wh*re."
And also, "tense."
I mean, it sounds like
an anxious sex worker.
Your present tense,
your past tense,
and your "wh*re" tense. [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God, yeah.
I'm sorry, Brian,
but that is a no.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, yeah.
No, Emma, it was my pick.
That was my name.
BEN: Oh.
It was?
It was my great-great-
grandmother's name.
Oh.
I'm... I'm sorry
to laugh at that then.
Maybe Hortense
is just not a good name.
And "Lily"
is such a better name?
Uh.
Yes.
Ooh.
[PHOEBE CHUCKLES]
Pour one out for Hortense.
Raise a glass for Lily.
To Lily.
To Lily.
Okay, I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
What was the name of your dog?
Uh, it was Hortense.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
I'm not the as*h*le.
We're still talking about this?
Hortense is a ridiculous name.
Yeah, no. It's a big swing.
Yeah, I'm not out of line.
I mean, she asked me
for my opinion.
I'm just gonna give her
my opinion and be honest
and be a good friend
and be honest.
I mean,
maybe the cackling laughter
was a touch insensitive.
Insensitive?
You know what's insensitive?
Spending the entire dinner,
our dinner, by the way...
It was nice of them to pay.
...rubbing her pregnant belly
while her un-pregnant
best friend
is fitting into her
high school jeans
because of stress!
Hon, I'm gonna preface this
by saying
you look, whoo, super hot
in those high school jeans,
and also intelligent
and fiercely independent.
I'm also gonna preface this
by saying,
I am 100 percent
in your corner...
Cannot wait to hear
what comes next.
...but you did keep asking her
about the baby.
I asked, like, three questions,
which were broken up by
30-minute pregnancy monologues.
And also,
correct me if I'm wrong,
didn't you tell her it was okay
if she was one
of those pregnant ladies
who kept on talking
about pregnancy?
And...
Oh...
...that she didn't have to walk
on eggshells?
Of course I said that, okay?
Because that is what a friend
is supposed to say,
but read the room, lady.
I am human f*cking eggshells
right now.
Okay, okay. Come here,
my little eggshell.
- Come on.
- Okay. All right.
Yeah.
Hey.
Just talk to her, okay?
She'll understand.
This whole putting
on one face for her,
then raging to me,
you can't keep that up forever.
Eventually you're gonna snap.
Okay.
But it's not gonna be forever.
You know?
Just a couple more months.
I mean, you think
once this baby comes,
she's gonna magically stop
asking you for any help at all?
It's just gonna get harder.
And if you wanna be
an awesome friend,
just talk to her,
tell her how you feel,
and she'll understand.
So, not to ruin a sweet,
nice moment, but--
Oh, I see. You wanna know
if we're having sex.
Thought I was being a little
bit more subtle than that.
But yes.
I mean, I'd just as easily
watch Top Chef.
Ah. Okay, so I... I was a yes.
But then you said Top Chef.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Okay. How about
we have sex, and then Top Chef?
Ooh, done. Okay,
your time starts now!
["HELL RAISER" PLAYING]
Girl, I'm a hell raiser
Rock shows get paper
Law breaker
I'm a bad b*tch slayer
I'm a bad m*therf*cker
'Cause the good die young
I ain't walking out the house
Without them racks and my g*n
You was making honor roll
I was skipping in school
I ain't making--
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
What up, Phoebe? Who is ready
to get their baby shower on?
BELLA: Hello?
Uh, hello?
BELLA: Is this Emma?
Yes, this is she. Who's this?
It's Bella, Phoebe's friend
from birthing class.
She gave me her phone
so I could call you.
Oh! Okay. So, are you
at her house?
BELLA: Yeah, yeah.
Madison and I came early.
And then we did this private
energy-clearing ceremony.
Sorry, we thought
that you'd be here.
Um, I am. I'm...
I'm, like, five minutes away.
BELLA: Could you do us
a humongous fave?
The gals from class ordered
these amazing balloons
that were supposed to be
delivered, but I guess
they don't deliver
on Sundays or something.
So, could you pretty-please
stop by Lippmans
on your way over
and pick them up for us?
We would totally do it
but we Ubered here.
Yeah! No problem.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
You're the best.
[SINGSONG] No, you're the best!
[CELL PHONE CLICKS]
["GET OUTTA MY FACE" PLAYING]
Thanks.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Why don't you just go
Get outta my space
Get outta my town
And quit
Your hangin' around
Why don't you
Leave me alone
Get outta my face
[GROANS]
When I met you
You seemed okay
Lonely, new in town
But now you're stuck on me
Like a fly on sh*t
Yeah!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Get outta my space
Get outta my town
And quit
Your hangin' around
Why don't you
Leave me alone
[SCREAMS]
Get outta my face
f*ck you! f*ck you.
[PANTS]
Okay. [SIGHS]
[BALLOON POPS]
[SCREAMS] f*ck!
[PASSERBY] Nice balloons!
["B-A-B-Y" PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Baby, oh, baby...
Let's put our hands on, okay?
BRIAN: Okay...
Can you do it a little higher?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
BRIAN: Got it.
What do you think?
No, again.
That looks delicious.
You're really pretty.
And you should have
another cupcake.
Don't tell my dad.
He thinks I'm addicted to sugar.
Oh.
This is Charlie.
Oh, that's amaz--
Congratulations.
You finally got the boy
that you wanted.
No, Charlotte.
It's another girl.
But it's meant to be.
I actually had a dream the night
before I went into labor
that we had three girls
and one boy.
[CHUCKLES]
So...
[CHUCKLES] He's the next one.
Yep. Can't wait.
[CHUCKLES]
How are you? Ooh.
Nice cupcake. Yum.
Where's the other one?
Oh, she's at home with my mom.
Yeah, we think it's the flu.
She was puking her guts out
last night.
Yeah, everywhere. Everywhere...
BRIAN: Everywhere?
AMANDA: Yeah.
I'm just gonna wash my--
AMANDA: Sure.
Hey, is that Emma?
Yeah, no, I literally
just dialed her.
Is she coming?
Well, I'm gonna find out.
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah, we were just talking
about you.
Where are you?
Oh, you're here?
Well, tell her I am here.
Yeah, Brian's here.
Also, tell her to stay away
from Rob's kids.
Whoa! What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
I planned this party
down to the last detail,
and instead of being here,
I've been driving around
ten-miles-an-hour
with a bunch of g*dd*mn balloons
sticking out of my sunroof
like I'm the old man from Up!
[CHUCKLES]
Do not laugh at that.
Okay, this...
Okay. Yeah.
[EXHALES] I can tell you had
a pretty rough day...
Oh, a rough--
A pretty rough day?
You have no f*cking idea.
I don't. I don't.
But what I do know
is that you spent a lot of time
planning this baby shower
and it looks incredible
in there.
[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]
And, so I want you to leave
whatever happened out there
out there,
and go in there
and have a victory lap
as the best friend
any pregnant woman's ever had.
[SOBS] Okay. [CHUCKLES]
BEN: Okay.
Can I give you a hug?
Absolutely not.
If you touch me in a loving way,
I will completely unravel.
Okay?
BEN: Fair. Yep.
Let's go.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
[MELLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES]
[GASPS] Oh, my God!
Thank you so much.
Great party, by the way.
k*lled it.
m*rder scene!
[LAUGHS]
Wait, is this all the balloons?
There's supposed to be
40 balloons.
One for each week
of her pregnancy.
Yeah.
This feels like
a lot less balloons
than 40 balloons.
EMMA: Oh, really?
Because to me, it feels like
infinite f*cking balloons.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, thank you.
Yeah.
Have fun!
[SIGHS]
[POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi.
She has no idea
what she's in for.
But I brought her a pineapple.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
[LAUGHS]
Emma, you really are
your mother's daughter.
[CHUCKLES]
You really are.
This reminds me of when
she threw you girls
your seventh birthday party.
The best party ever.
The Spice Girls party?
Yes! [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
You were Ginger
and Phoebe was Posh.
That's right.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Girl power!
But you threw
that party together.
Oh, no.
I can't do anything like this.
That was all Nora.
She just always
made me look good.
You did really good.
Try to have fun.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Quick question.
Jesus.
We wanted to go in
on a Snoo for Pheebs,
but we didn't see one
on the registry.
Oh, my God, the Snoo is a dream.
You have a Snoo?
You have to.
I adore my Snoo.
We tried co-sleeping
with my first,
then we moved to a bouncer.
FRIEND: A bouncer?
I know. I'm a monster.
Also, I love my glider.
So, does she want a Bjorn?
A what?
A Boppy?
I don't know what you're saying.
UPPAbaby?
Nap Strap?
DockATot?
Keekaroo?
ALL: Ooh.
Keekaroo.
What the f*ck is a Keekaroo?
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
There you are!
What do you think?
I-- This is great.
It looks great.
Double-fisting the champers.
Are you drunk?
I've been... I've...
I've been drinking.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Now, do you think
that the crib should go there?
Because I was thinking
the glider should go there
and the crib should go there.
But Brian is getting paranoid
and thinks the crib
should be near
the fire alarm, but--
Please, just stop.
I'm sorry, but could you
please just stop?
I'm sorry. I just--
I can't hear another story
about Boppies and Snoos
and DockATots and Keekaroos!
I feel like I'm in a g*dd*mn
Dr. Seuss book. [SNIFFLES]
I'm sorry. I'm fine.
Sure.
EMMA: I just need a minute.
Maybe you should just
go downstairs
and open some presents
with your pod
of pregnant people.
Like a pod of whales? Nice.
Well, it's fitting.
Because they migrate together,
share care of their young,
and hunt their prey in groups.
Oh, wow.
So, now we're hunting you?
Yeah. Why do you think
I'm hiding?
I don't know, Emma.
I thought we squashed this.
You said you were all-in.
I mean, I lied.
[SCOFFS]
That's not fair.
You talked me into this.
This was all your idea.
Well, my idea
was doing it together.
Do you realize how lonely it is
watching all of this happen
from the outside?
Do not come at me with lonely.
I can't talk to my mother.
Brian tries,
but he's pretty limited.
I don't have siblings.
I have you.
I have only you!
I mean, you are like my sister
and I can't, like, enjoy
being pregnant around you
'cause I feel guilty.
Well, then it's a good thing
you have all your new friends
to just be happy around.
I'm so sorry. Is it my happiness
that bothers you or my friends?
Because there's
so much resentment
flying around right now,
I can't keep track of it all.
Hey. Listen to me.
I get to be upset right now.
I do, okay? Because
I found your doctor,
I took you
to your birthing class,
I planned this whole
baby shower.
I told you I didn't want
a g*dd*mn baby shower!
This is really f*cking hard
for me!
Okay, it's hard for you.
I... I got it, loud and clear.
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but it hasn't exactly been
a f*cking Sunday drive
for me either.
I'm sorry
that I ruined your plan!
I...
On behalf of my ovaries
and Brian's sperm,
I am sorry that we got pregnant.
But it is not my fault
that you are not pregnant!
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
[SOBS] You're right.
No, you are right.
Emma...
["RIGHT BACK TO IT" PLAYING]
Photograph of us
In the spotlight
On a hot night
I was drifting in and out
Reticent on the off chance
I'm blunter than a bull's-eye
Begging for peace of mind
I lose a bit of myself
Laying out eggshells
I've been yours for so long
We come right back to it
I let my mind run wild
I don't know why I do it
But you just settle in
Like a song with no end
If I can keep up
We'll get right back
To it...
You're ruining your manicure
from the baby shower.
I forgot my gloves.
I didn't know
you were coming over here.
I tried calling several times.
Sorry. I've been,
you know, a little tired.
How's Emma?
We have not talked
since the shower.
That's got to be a record
for you two.
Three weeks is the record.
Sophomore year.
Hey.
I don't know what happened
between you two,
but I know how much
you love her.
And I know how much
you confide in her
and how much you count on her.
When this kid arrives,
you might want a friend
in your corner.
It's awful.
Mom!
No, not you.
[SIGHS] Sorry.
Ooh, I'm not good at this.
You were perfect.
Thank you.
I mean, you didn't sleep
the first six months,
and you threw up every time
you tried to nurse,
and you were an angry,
scrawny little thing--
Who was perfect.
SUE: Who was perfect!
Who was perfect.
PHOEBE: Uh-huh.
I'm the flawed one.
You know that.
I always used to think
that babies
should come with warranties
because of their
defective parents.
Well, I'm gonna have to hug you,
because that was pretty cute.
[CHUCKLES, GROANS]
Okay? Here are my arms.
Okay.
I have dirt on my hands.
PHOEBE: I don't care.
I love you, Mom.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
I better get back to the office.
Sure. Got it. Yup.
[SIGHS] Oh!
I'm going to an estate sale
in Salem tomorrow.
Oh, yeah?
I'm going to find you
a vintage highchair.
No lead paint, though.
I'm serious, Mom.
She's gonna get me
a lead f*ck' highchair.
Oh, sh*t.
Mom, you left your phone!
[SIGHS]
You'll have to come back for it.
Oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
[GROANS]
Okay...
Hey, B. Um.
I think this is happening.
Where are you?
Call me back.
[SIGHS]
Oh...
[GROANS] f*ck.
Hey, Em. Um...
You are probably
at school right now,
but I think this is happening,
and I can't get a hold of Brian
because I think maybe
he's in surgery
and I'm just, like,
a little scared.
Um... I just don't want
to do this alone.
So, uh, can you...
can you call me back?
Thank you.
f*ck!
Oh, you got to be
f*cking kidding me.
Hi.
DRIVER: Hey, you Phoebe?
Yeah. [GROANS]
DRIVER: Whoa, whoa!
Are you in labor?
Uh-huh.
DRIVER: Nope,
just had my car cleaned.
Wait! Oh, f*ck you, you f*ck!
Ow.
Oh...
[PA BEEPING]
[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]
RECEPTIONIST:
Hi. How can I help you?
Hi. I think I'm having a baby.
[CHUCKLES]
You're in the right place.
Have you spoken to your doctor?
My doctor? No.
That's a good idea.
I should've called
my doctor. Sorry.
This is just my first time
and I've never
done this before, and I don't
really know what I'm doing
or actually
what I'm feeling. [LAUGHS]
I can't get a hold
of my f*cking husband.
Um, so I actually just drove
myself here.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. I think I'm in full
f*cking freak-out mode.
Okay, what is
your doctor's name?
PHOEBE: Um...
Dr. Morrison!
Dr. Ian Morrison. That is her OB
and I just talked to him
and he's on his way.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
PHOEBE: Oh.
EMMA: Oh, my God.
Okay. Let's go have a baby.
Okay.
Where do the babies happen?
PHOEBE: Where the f*ck is Brian?
All good.
I talked to an ER nurse
and you were right,
he's in surgery.
Let me help you.
[EXHALES]
Construction site accident.
It sounded pretty gnarly.
There was a crane hook and it
gave this guy a metal wedgie.
Not what I need to know
right now.
Okay, this is gonna be
for jewelry now. Um...
Okay. So, they're gonna
let Brian know
as soon as he's out of surgery.
When the f*ck is that gonna be?
Hey, look at me.
You got this.
I got this.
That's my girl.
Yeah. Oh, here comes
another one!
Okay, where's your phone?
[GROANS] Emma, Emma...
Which one
is your birthing playlist?
Is it "Zen Chill Vibes"?
No, that's for bedtime.
It's the one called
"Bring the Pain"!
Okay. Wow. So much Papa Roach.
Okay.
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
["WHOA!" PLAYING]
EMMA: Breathe.
[GROANS]
You're doing so good.
[GROANS]
No!
Oh!
[GROANS]
[INHALES SHARPLY]
[GROANS]
Emma!
[GROANS]
I'm ready for the epidural.
Can she have the epidural?
You're a little far along.
Julie, it's not too late!
I need an epidural!
EMMA: Okay...
I think
I just sh*t myself. [PANTS]
Is that enough?
Yeah. Thank you.
Okay, I called your mom's office
and she is on her way.
Where the f*ck is my husband?
Okay, you're doing so good.
And guess what?
You look so beautiful right now.
Emma, you are such a bad liar.
I really can't believe
how many humans
there are on this planet.
Like, this is the most...
[GROANS]
...excruciating pain
I have ever experienced.
[GROANS] My back
is f*cking k*lling me.
Okay, I got you.
Okay. [SIGHS]
EMMA: Ready?
[GROANS]
Okay.
Okay, does that feel better?
Oh, my God.
I have never loved you more.
[EXHALES] Thank you.
Can I have some too?
Thank you.
Oh, my God...
[GROANS]
Thank you.
[SIGHS] What's next?
NURSE: Let's check dilation.
How far along is she?
PHOEBE: Do not tell me.
I do not wanna know how close
I am to the finish line.
It'll psych me out.
So just tell me
when it's time to push,
and that's it, okay?
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
Okay, so, um, some bad news.
I... I don't think
Brian's gonna make it.
Well, then where the hell
is Ian?
Perfect timing. Here I am.
Oh, my God. Hi!
Hi!
Will you fix my hair?
Yes.
How far along are we?
Ten centimeters.
IAN: Okay, you're fully dilated.
It is time to go.
Oh, my gosh.
You're fully dilated.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I am fully dilated?
IAN: You're fully dilated.
I'm fully dilated.
f*ck.
You want me to take a video?
Do not go anywhere.
What? I'm not spooning you
while you deliver your baby.
Yeah, you are. [EXHALES]
Ian?
Whatever makes Phoebe
the most comfortable.
We have a mirror
if you'd like to watch.
No!
No!
IAN: Okay, deep breath!
And... push!
[SCREAMS]
Good! Good! Good!
All right, you're doing great.
[SOBS]
[PANTS]
IAN: Okay,
deep breath for me again.
You can do this!
You can do it! Push!
[SCREAMS]
IAN: Okay! Good!
EMMA: Push!
[SCREAMS]
Okay! Look at all that hair!
I couldn't shave.
I couldn't reach it.
I think he's talking about
the baby's hair.
Oh.
IAN: Okay, almost there.
One more push and you're gonna
meet your baby girl.
[SCREAMS]
Okay, here she comes!
Okay!
Oh! Oh, my God.
[BABY CRYING]
Is she okay?
She is perfect. You did great.
Oh. Hi.
Hi, there.
[GASP] Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh. I love you so much.
[SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
So, are we going with Hortense?
[CHUCKLES]
B won me over with Lily.
Thank God. [CHUCKLES]
And for her middle name,
we were thinking about Nora.
After your mom.
Would you be okay with that?
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Hey! I'm here.
Hey, Dad.
Look what we made.
[EMMA CHUCKLES]
BRIAN: Oh...
I'll just, uh...
Hey. Thank you.
Anytime.
All right. [LAUGHS]
How is it over on your side
of the hospital?
Heard it was a scary one.
It was incredibly complicated
and unbelievably bloody.
But everybody's gonna be okay.
[PHOEBE CHUCKLES]
Lily, meet your dad.
He's basically a superhero.
Actually, your mom's the hero.
Well, your dad's
not so bad either.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey...
Oh...
She's gorgeous.
Do you wanna hold her, Mom?
Okay.
Oh...
[SUE SHUSHES QUIETLY]
Still got it.
Oh. Did I leave my phone?
Yes, you left it at the shop.
Thank God.
You know what?
Let me get a picture
with Grammy.
Granny. Mammy? I... I don't--
[STUTTERING] We haven't decided
what we're doing.
Wow.
I just-- I didn't know what--
Okay, I'm gonna take
the picture.
[MOUTHING] I LOVE YOU.
[MOUTHING] I LOVE YOU.
[LAUGHS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Congrats. Bye.
It's Emma.
[WHISPERS] Hi!
PHOEBE:
I know what you're thinking.
Just because we traded numbers
doesn't mean
you are off the hook.
You got me this far.
Gonna have to get me
through the rest. [LAUGHS]
I mean, if I could convey to you
what is happening
in my underwear right now...
I don't think you need
to convey that.
If you could
even call it underwear.
Oh. And I forgot
my shower shoes.
Shower shoes!
[SIGHS] See?
Can't live without you.
Neither can she.
[CHUCKLES]
So, how do you feel, Mom?
[EXHALES]
I feel ready.
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR OPENING]
Oh, sh*t.
Hi!
Wow! I mean, hey!
I totally forgot you guys
were coming over today.
Oh, uh, we can come back
a little later.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
It's... it's cool. Come on in.
[PUMP WHIRRING]
PHOEBE: sh*t.
BRIAN:
Guys, I'm gonna be right back--
[SHUSHES]
[QUIETLY] I'm just gonna
go check on Lily,
make sure...
make sure she's still breathing.
Do not wake her up, Brian.
I'm not... I'm not gonna
wake her up.
[SIGHS]
[PUMP WHIRRING]
You're getting real weird
over there, Ben.
I mean, they're not even
boobs anymore.
They're udders.
I'm gonna go check on Bri.
[CHUCKLES]
Anyway,
um, how are you feeling?
Great. Really great.
Never been better.
Lily woke up at 4:00 a.m.,
and when she's napping,
I'm strapped into this
medieval t*rture device.
How's Brian?
PHOEBE: Great?
Probably?
Yeah, he goes to a job
outside the house.
Has adult conversations.
Gets more than 12 f*cking
minutes to himself every day.
I'm sorry. It's not his fault.
He's trying.
He's, like, a great dad.
But sometimes I do fantasize
about stabbing him
in the face.
[GASPS] Don't do that.
I'm gonna be right back.
Gonna put this milk
in the freezer.
EMMA: You need some help?
No, I'm good.
f*cking freezer's so far away.
[EXHALES]
Let's go. Let's go.
f*ck!
What? What's going on?
Are you okay?
Did you open the freezer
last night?
Did what?
Did you open
the freezer last night?
Yes, I opened the freezer.
I was... I was doing Lily's,
uh, dream feed.
And did you close the freezer
last night?
I had the baby in one hand...
and I had the milk in the other.
I... I swear
I closed the freezer.
[TEARFULLY] No!
You didn't close the freezer!
And now,
all the milk that I have
been pumping
every morning at 3:00 a.m.,
and tandem pumping
while nursing,
and pumping
in that shitty bathroom
at the shop,
it's all ruined, Brian!
Look at this!
I have a freezer full
of tit slushies!
[SIGHS] Look.
We can figure this out.
I... I... I can fix this.
How? How are you gonna fix this?
Are you gonna grow
some magic boobies
and then you're gonna,
what, start lactating?
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
[SIGHS] f*ck.
I'm sorry. I don't...
[SIGHS]
Get out.
What?
Get out.
Me?
PHOEBE: Yeah!
You and your f*ck' apple.
BRIAN: All right.
PHOEBE: Out!
[DOOR SHUTTING]
[LILY WAILING]
Oh, my God.
Oh, f*ck.
[SOBS] f*ck...
[LILY COOS]
It's okay.
EMMA: Hey.
You okay?
No.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry.
Okay, give me
this little dictator
and you go take the longest
shower of your life.
Oh, really?
Okay, careful of her head.
I'll be right back, sweetheart.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
[LILY FUSSES QUIETLY]
[SHUSHES]
Did you get kicked
out of the house too?
Nah, I just thought
it would be safer out here.
Probably.
EMMA: Wow, look at you!
All showered and clean
and looking like
a human being and stuff.
PHOEBE: Don't make me smile.
What Brian did was unforgivable
and I want to make sure
to be angry about it forever.
Sure, that sounds like
a very healthy choice.
No, Emma. Don't take his side.
I'm on the milk's side.
What milk? It is gone.
Not so fast, because Lily and I
did a little research
while you were in the shower,
and if there are still crystals
in the tit slushies,
I believe you called them...
PHOEBE: Yes, there are.
Yes? Well, then you can
re-freeze it.
Wait, really?
Really.
Oh, my God!
There is a God.
And she's a mom.
Obviously.
[CHUCKLES]
PHOEBE: Oh, my God. Thank you.
I don't know, man.
I...
I just feel like I'm...
I'm not a part
of so much of this.
You know?
There's so much of it that
I... I don't know how to do.
There's so much of it
I can't do.
One day,
hopefully soon,
you won't be able
to do any of it either.
God, I hope so.
But I'll also remember to close
the freezer door when I do.
I don't...
I don't need that right now.
You need it a little bit.
Can't we just stay
like this forever?
I think you're gonna have
to let him back in the house
at some point.
[SIGHS]
Are you seriously gonna make me
raise this kid with my husband?
[LAUGHS]
I know you don't want
to hear this right now,
but he is actually
one of the good ones.
I know, it's just...
He has no idea what
I'm going through right now.
Neither do I.
Have you called that mom
that you met at the hospital?
No.
EMMA: Maybe you should.
I don't know.
You ever wonder why
we've been best friends
since the day we were born?
Why we didn't just, like,
go our separate ways after
our moms met at the hospital?
You know what I think?
I think it's because
they needed each other.
Hmm.
You know that
whenever you need me,
I'll be there, right?
You need a last-minute
babysitter,
I'm there.
Put a middle school bully
in their place?
[LAUGHS]
Freaking on it.
Proofread her college essay?
I have already picked out
my red pen.
There's no book or article
I can read
that could put me
in your shoes right now.
I just know that it seems
really, really hard.
It is.
I don't think moms were meant
to do this alone.
Are you breaking up with me?
Oh, come on, dude.
You sat in my lap
and pushed a human
out of your body.
I mean, it sounds like something
witches would do
to, like, bond themselves
to each other for eternity.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
We are witches.
Yeah. I'm not worried
about us anymore.
Call her.
Okay.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
[WHISPERS] Remember,
one of the good ones.
One of the good ones.
Okay. Hi, sweet one.
Yeah.
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
I know.
He's back.
Hi.
Hi.
You punk.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
BEN: Come on.
We're gonna be late.
Uh, give me a sec.
BEN: Two lines?
Nope. I didn't feel great
this morning,
so I thought I'd check, but...
Well, blessing in disguise.
Dunno how you're supposed
to make it through
a one-year-old's birthday party
without a little alcohol.
Loving where your head is at.
On that note, shall we?
Let's.
["WHY DO YOU
LET ME STAY HERE?" PLAYING]
PHOEBE: Whoo!
Okay, ready?
One, two, three.
Why do you let me stay here
Wait, Mom, get in here.
Yeah. Come on, Mimi.
All by myself
[GIGGLES]
Okay.
Here we go.
Why don't you come
And play here
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
I'm just sitting
On the shelf...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Can I have another piece
for my dad?
SUE: Oh. Yeah.
Thank you.
Can I have another piece
for myself?
SUE: Yes.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
What have you been up to?
Anything...
Not much.
Yeah, I've been--
I got a skateboard yesterday.
Oh, okay.
Been skateboarding.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I gotta get your presents
Ah
Let's make it known...
Did you see that baby
in the orange?
That baby was crazy.
Wildin' out.
Definitely on something.
Yeah, you're at a party.
Mm-hmm.
Dial it back.
Chill. Mm-hmm.
Um, all right.
[GASPS]
Happy birthday.
For me?
No, it's not for you.
It's your daughter's birthday.
Great. I'll add it
to the other 6,000 presents
you've already gotten her.
Hey, this is an investment.
I might need her to take care
of me at retirement age.
Mm.
Do you think that maybe
you'd like to stay
after the party and maybe,
I don't know,
kind of, like, help me clean up?
Please, pretty please?
Oh, damn. That sounds so fun,
um, but I can't,
because I'm so busy.
Uh, you're so busy doing what?
So busy, you know,
wandering around aimlessly
at the farmer's market.
You know,
I might pick a thing up,
put that thing down,
pick another thing up,
and just, like, not be concerned
if any of it
is a choking hazard.
Sounds exhausting.
Yeah, I'm gonna be so exhausted.
I'm definitely gonna need
to take a nap after this.
I only got nine hours
of sleep last night.
I mean, I could just push
through and sleep in tomorrow,
but you know that I love
my quiet Sunday brunch
with a crossword puzzle
and a Bloody Mary or three.
You stole my thing.
I'm just
keeping it warm for you.
Don't worry,
you can have it back
when you're ready for it
in what, seven to ten years?
[SCOFFS]
Now, I need another beer.
All right, let's go.
Just give me credit
I'm just sitting
On the shelf
[SONG FADES]
[BRIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES]
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Let's Have Kids! (2026)
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