03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[eerie music playing]

[Blitzo] Doodley-doodle. [vocalizing]

Doodling-doodle.

And that's a horse with my...

[quirky music playing]

[slurping]

Nice.

Stolas, you want to top me off here?

Stolas?

[suspenseful music playing]

[quirky music playing]

-Oh, what you reading?
-Book.

Oh, book, nice. What kind of book?

A botanical codex, if you must know.

Okay, you know I don't know

-what that means.
-Plants.

Oh, yeah, you're still into those, huh?

Like the little f*cked-up garden
you had at your old place?

Yes, well, at this hour, I used to tend

to that exotic garden.

The plants always seemed
to bloom brightest

when I would sing and trim their leaves.

[melancholy music playing]

Unfortunately, they have also
fallen victim to my actions.

I can't bear to think
of what they look like now.

Many of my Earth-based plant leaves
made for the most lovely teas.

I was merely reminiscing
about my little darlings.

Thus, the book.

[Stolas sighs]

Other than a reminder
that a client is arriving soon,

was there something else
you needed, Blitzo?

Oh, I was just, uh, I want more coffee.

♪ Coffee ♪

♪ Fresh from Twitchies ♪

Got something iced for you,

warm, spit-free for Stolas,

and decaffeinated tea for my hon
and my bun just to be safe.

On the house, of course,
from the future father of the year.

Oh, here.

[laughs] I still can't believe
I'm gonna be an uncle.

When's that little f*ck dropping, anyway?

[laughs] Get it? 'Cause she pegs you.

Sir, not in front of the baby.

What baby? That thing's still mush.

Ow. [growling]

[rowdy music playing]

Millie, may I have a moment?

Now, it's not much, but

I did get you a little gift
for such a momentous occasion.

Stolas, what?
You didn't have to get me nothing.

Oh, my stars.

It's a... a book.

I know it's nothing fancy,
but when Octavia was on the way,

I wanted to be as prepared as I could.
I hope this helps,

-even a little.
-Aw, Stolas, that's really sweet of you.

You shouldn't have.
Like, really shouldn't have.

[sobbing loudly]

[blows nose]

[gentle, dramatic music playing]

Looking for I.M.P.

Some f*cking dog c**t
needs to get stabbed.

No offense, chicky-babe.

-[quirky music playing]
-Oh, yes. Uh, welcome to I.M.P.

Uh, please come in and explain
this dog person further.

Not a literal dog, you f*cking dickhead.
A dog c**t.

[chuckles] Oh, yes, silly me. A dog c**t.

Let's take this to the conference room.

♪♪

Oh, dinger. Clumsy little, red me.

Stolas, you want to take notes for me?

I'll be right there.

[tense music playing]

[exciting music playing]

[curious music playing]

[grunts]

Okay, one of these has got to be
where we're going.

So, you're booking in one immediate m*rder
of a "Darcy the mutt dog,"

who is not a dog, but in fact, a man

who lives in "f*ck knows where,"
just off Mount Willoughby,

because he "wolf creeked" you
for "borrowing" his firewood.

Nah, yeah.

So is that a yes or am I wrong?

[grunts] That sounds great, but, man,
this job could take us weeks.

Loony, hang back with Stolas for this one.

Don't get too worried
or ask any questions. Okay, thanks.

What? Why? I thought I was on the team.

-Uh-uh. No questions.
-[snarls]

Are you sure you will be all right?

Oh, we'll be fine.

You just take some time to relax.

This job's gonna cover us
for a hot minute,

so why don't you treat yourself, you know?

Get your feathers did, your nails did.

I want to come back to a big happy smile
on that purty, beaked-up face.

No promises.

All right, Loony, you're on Stolas duty.

Make sure he takes it easy.
Okay, bye. [grunts]

So, let's get onto
the discussion of payment.

What?

[didgeridoo music playing]

[suspicious music playing]

No. Dumb. Boring. g*y [derogatory]. Yes.

Sir, what about this simple assassination
is going to last a week?

You never know, Mox. Darcy the mutt dog,

th-th-that is a sneaky name
of a sneaky man,

and he could be anywhere... sneaking.

-And this place is pretty f*cking huge.
-Uh, sir, is that him?

[laughs] I'm gonna get you.

[Blitzo] Oh.

[Darcy babbles incoherently]

Th-That's him.

[Darcy] Die, you little koala.

So... does this mean we're done?

[screams] I really wanted
to hunt this b*stard.

Why'd he make it so easy?

Okay, well, now hold on, guys,
the mission ain't over yet.

We still got to get the thingy, remember?
The Orb.

-The what?
-You know, the Mystical Orb

the guy was yacking on about.

f*ck, Mox, could you pay
any less attention?

Uh, I don't remember him
saying anything about...

Orb. It's mystical.

Fine by me. All this making life
makes me want to be taking life.

[screams, laughs]

[sighs]

[dramatic music playing]

[gentle music playing]

But, Alejandro, why did you
push me down the stairs?

[Alejandro over video] Because
I don't love you.

That only makes me want you more.

-[crying]
-[Alejandro] This always happens.

You know what? f*ck this.

I'm not gonna sit here
and play babysitter.

Dad wants to sideline me? That's fine,
but I'm not wasting my time sitting here...

-[actress crying] I love your p*nis.
-Dude.

-Why?
-Dude.

I'm addicted to the p*nis.

Satan, that is pathetic.

All right, you're coming with me.

[electronic dance music playing]

[Loona] Geez, man.

I know it's hypocritical coming from me,
but get the f*ck

off your phone and enjoy the club.
Beats sitting in an office.

♪ I like what you've been doing lately ♪

♪ Like, damn...

f*ck, Stolas. I know you're
all kinds of messed up right now,

but you got to let yourself
at least enjoy the little things,

like getting blackout drunk.

I'm not sure I really deserve
the little things. [clears throat]

No, sorry. [chuckles] I didn't mean you.
[groans] Sorry.

He's not talking about you, idiot.

f*ck them. Okay? Let's get another round.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Cause people f*cking suck, and because
I know what it's like to have people think

you're a loser without even
getting to know you.

♪ See red in a dark place...

They don't know that
you're the kind of guy

willing to stare down Satan himself
for people like them,

and like me.

I think that's pretty cool, man.

So, f*ck 'em. Come on,
us losers got to stick together.

Right?

-[♪ "Rope"]
-♪ and be reminded ♪

♪ to feel something ♪

[intense music playing]

[grunting, shouting]

[hissing]

[screams]

Sir, please tell me we are close.

It's been three days, and everything here
is trying to k*ll me.

[screaming]

[Millie laughs] I'm-a rip
your innards out!

Well, it-it seems like
Millie's having a good time.

[growls]

Come here!

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

No, you come back here, you little b*tch!

How do humans survive here?

It's hot even for me,

and everyone sounds
like Lord Mammon.

I love it here. It reminds me of home.

Sweetie, you really should
take it a little easier.

I already told you, Mox,

I'll slow down when I need to,
but I'm feeling great.

Also, hon. you got a little
something-something on your shoulder.

[screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, no, look out
for those drop bears, Moxxie.

Thanks, honey.

[pensive music playing]

So... you, uh, you good?

-Peachy.
-Hung over?

Mm, creative block.

Oh, and thank you for the tea, dear.

No biggie.

-Oh. What's this book about?
-Oh!

It's just... a romance...
[clears throat] ...erotica thing.

It's a pastime, which, I'll admit,
I'm finding harder to enjoy as of late

since my current state of affairs
is quite lacking.

Nothing to inspire me, as it were.

-I thought you and my dad were a... thing.
-No.

No.

Gotcha.

Well, then, if that means
you're in the market for "inspiration,"

there were plenty of guys at the club
the other night checking you out.

I suppose...

I'm not used to the attention.

It was new and kind of nice,

but the thought of
actually talking to them

and then that potentially
leading to something more, it's just

-not what I want right now.
-I mean, you can

skip all that. There is such a thing
as, like, hookup apps.

Hookup what?

Apps, like, on your phone.

Look, here's one of mine.
I use it to get free food.

Ah, so it's like grocery delivery?

[laughs] No, geez.

Like, here. I matched
with this dude last Friday.

He took me to get steak
and paid for the whole thing.

Sorry, I'm not understanding.

I mean, you could use it for
its intended purpose, dating or whatever.

Just look through here,
pick someone you like...

Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Uh, you misunderstand.

I'm... No. I'm not
looking for... [chuckles]

Or wanting someone to... I-I'm-I'm...

I don't really know
what I'm wanting, but it's...

it's not romance, it's not a relationship.
I-I shouldn't.

I just... I guess I'm missing the touch,
the intimacy. I feel very... empty.

I don't know what to do with myself.

You know, these apps don't have
to be for relationships.

They can just be hookups.

I mean,
that's how most people use them anyway.

I just don't think it's a good idea.

I don't want anyone to get to know me,
to ask me about myself.

I don't want to feel courted or matched.

Besides, my bed habits are...
unconventional.

I'd rather not trust a total stranger
with understanding that at this point.

Oh, I think I have the app for you.

[dark, sexy music playing]

-Oh, my.
-Come on, treat yourself.

Hello. I'm Stolas, from the Safeword app.

I mean, I have a profile,

and, uh, you asked me to come here,
and now, I'm here, so, um...

-I'm sure...
-Come in.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Um, I bought some extra clothes,

like we established.

I'm not sure what to really say. Oh!

-You remember the safe word?
-Oh, um, "butterscotch."

Good. You say it, we stop.
And the traffic light system?

I-I understand it.

-[groans]
-Good. You ready to get started, huh?

-Filthy sl*t?
-Yes, sir.

-Then you're all mine tonight.
-[moans]

Now, get those f*cking pants off.

Oh, yes!

Do your worst.

[♪ "Dirty Bird"]

♪ Get down on your knees,
gonna have to beg ♪

♪ Filthy little wh*re ♪

♪ spread your legs ♪

♪ Take your medicine, swallow every drop ♪

♪ Scratch the itch,
be their b*tch, don't stop, no ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

-♪ sh*t ♪
-♪ Homewrecker ♪

♪ Whoa-oh, you do whatever you want,
you don't care if it's wrong ♪

♪ This is what you get ♪

[moans]

♪ Blindfolded, I see clearly ♪

♪ Treat me the way that I deserve ♪

♪ Mouth open, no one hears me ♪

♪ Pluck me, stuff me,
I'm your dirty bird ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Oh, God ♪

♪ Rough me up, that's not enough ♪

♪ With all of the bridges I've burned,
I've earned no love ♪

♪ t*rture and cage me until you break me ♪

♪ No one to love me
and no one to save me ♪

♪ No, whoa-oh ♪

♪ Pathetic ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ I let it get out of hand ♪

-♪ Showed the world who I am ♪
-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ m*therf*cker ♪
-♪ This is what you get ♪

[moans]

♪ Blindfolded, I see clearly ♪

♪ Treat me the way that I deserve ♪

♪ Mouth open, no one hears me ♪

♪ Pluck me, stuff me,
I'm your dirty bird ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Oh, sh*t ♪

♪ Dirty bird ♪

♪ Get down on the floor,
gonna have to beg ♪

♪ Selfish little wh*re, spread your ♪

[moans]

[sighs, laughing]

Sir, this is getting ridiculous.
Let me see the...

No. This stupid f*cking plant has got
to be over that giant red rock.

-Plant?
-Er, the...

-Yeah, the magic nugget or whatever.
-You mean the stone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the stone thing.

-Ha! I got you! You said it was an orb!
-Oh, well.

You mean to tell me we have been
aimlessly exploring this place

where everything wants to k*ll us,

and there's no mystical orb?

What in Satan's name
have we even been doing all week?

Look, I just have to get something
from here, okay?

For no one in particular, for no reason.

Is this for Stolas?

[quirky music playing]

Sir?

Look, Stolas is, like,
way into plants and sh*t,

and it just so happens that
this one comes from this Earth place.

I thought if I could just get him
this stupid plant,

I can... [sighs] ...maybe...

fix things or impress him or something,
okay? I don't f*cking know.

Sir, if anyone understands
doing something insane

for someone they care about, it's me.

[growling]

[didgeridoo music playing]

Instead of spending weeks away from him,

dragging me and Millie through this
earthly wrath-scape looking for a plant,

you should just tell him how you feel.

Properly. Talk to him.

Ow! What the f*ck, sir?

Ah, I'm sorry, Mox.

My confrontation reflex kicked in, but...

maybe you do have
a little, tiny, itty bitty...

point. Maybe.

Sir, let me help, so we can go home.

[dramatic music playing]

The gym pie-gym pie,
one of Earth's most dangerous plants.

If it makes direct contact
with exposed skin,

it delivers a pain so intense,

it makes one want to commit die
from the pure agony.

However, Goetia enjoy it
in a sweet, fruit-like tea,

served with or without milk.

Fancy.

[fancy music playing]

-[dark music playing]
-Sir, this plant is a state away

in the middle of a rainforest.

It said "by a rock."

Actually, sir, it says, "By a rock?

No! Avoid the rocks.

Rainforest only."

A rainforest? f*cking where?

Oh, no. Yeah, you got, you got to take
the Stuart Highway up to Alice Springs

to get anywhere from around here.

Or any of yous got two bucks I can borrow?
Just, like, a couple of bucks?

[stammers] Uh, my wife's at the airport

with-with the kids and...

Geez, and I thought L.A. was bad.

All right, team, speed run.

[quirky music playing]

I can get...

[eerie music playing]

Looks like the bush
has heart-shaped leaves, hmm,

-with small indents on the...
-Found it.

Yeah. Huh.

That was surprisingly easy.

Aw, look at the little
heart-shaped leaves. That's so perfect.

Mox, capture your wife,
we're heading back.

-[hisses]
-[growling]

And Moxxie, thank you. I guess.

When it comes to matters of the heart,
anytime, sir.

[gentle music playing]

[yowls, growls]

[hisses]

I'm back.

Hey, Stolas.
I got a little surprise for you.

Whoa.

Holy sh*t. What is with this getup?

Are you that excited to see me?

Blitzo. You've returned.
Oh, my, what's happened?

You look like you went through a w*r zone.

Nah. Just "a*s-rail-ya,"
or whatever it's called.

Oh, it seems like you've had
such a rough time.

All this for your target?

Yeah, well, not just for the target.

Stolas, I saw how down you were lately,
and I thought that...

-[knock on door]
-Oh, dear, that must be him.

I'm so sorry, Blitzo.
I-I have another, um...

arrangement set for tonight.

-[knocking on door]
-I-I didn't know you were coming back.

Arrangement...?

[sinister music playing]

Is daddy's little b*tch
ready to be spit on?

I am. [chuckles]
Uh, just give me one moment.

My, um, uh, roommate just got home.

What? Roommate?

[demon growls]

Well, hurry that feathered a*s up.

[chuckles]

Daddy doesn't like to be kept waiting.

Oh. [chuckles]

Christ on a stick, Stolas, I said
get your nails did, not your holes.

I'm... really sorry, Blitzo.

No, no, no, it's fine. I get it.

It doesn't mean anything, but...

but you told me to try to relax,
so this is...

[sighs] ...what I needed to relax.

Yep. Mm-hmm. I sure did.

I sure did say that.
That is a thing I said.

Well, go have fun f*cking each other.

[somber music playing]

No promises.

[door opens]

-[Blitzo screams]
-[furniture clatters]

[panting]

[growling]

[♪ "Rope"]

[crying]

♪ I've been no good, no g-good at all ♪

♪ and I'm not gonna tell you why ♪

♪ I don't need some
pathetic, sympathetic ear ♪

♪ I just want a boy ♪

♪ to tie me down and make me f*cking cry ♪

-♪ I want a thick rope on a tight waist ♪
-♪ Tight waist ♪

-♪ I want a rough hand on a soft face ♪
-♪ Soft face ♪

-♪ I want to see red in a dark place ♪
-♪ Dark place ♪

♪ I want to feel something,
I want to feel something ♪

-♪ I want to taste spit that isn't mine ♪
-♪ Isn't mine ♪

-♪ I want someone firm to draw the line ♪
-♪ Draw the line ♪

♪ I want to see red when I'm blinded ♪

♪ And be reminded to feel something ♪

-♪ I want to watch you leave a bruise ♪
-♪ Leave a bruise ♪

-♪ I want to be your tortured muse ♪
-♪ Tortured muse ♪

♪ And I don't ever want to choose again ♪

♪ And I don't care if that's not real ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

♪ I just want to feel ♪

[neighing]

[whip cracks]