01x06 - Desperate Measures

[bunniefuu]

How's your vag*na, honey?

It's actually fine. How's your d*ck?

It's actually quite sore.

Oh, no.

Baby, aw.

Oh, Frank's not drinking, by the way.

No, I know. That's for us.

Yeah, but we should probably see
what the vibe is first.

You know?

I'm a bit nervous about seeing him.

I'm worried he might be very depressed.

Sam said he's not himself anymore.

Well, no one's themselves anymore.

- What's that mean?
- Touch your toes.

You touch your toes.

- It's not funny.
- What? Come on.

Oh, hang on a bit,
it's because I've got heels on.

They make my legs impossibly long.

Right.

- That's exactly the same.
- No, I am.

- I'm really touching my…
- Yeah, but that's kinda cheating, really.

Brace yourselves.

See, if you're gonna have a heart attack,

doc says mine, hands down,
best one to have.

Heart attack of all heart attacks.

Sold. I'll take two.

f*cking right.

Trick is to survive it, though.
Then you're laughing.

- Oh, I have one, honey.
- Well, Frank made you another.

- Oh.
- Is he drinking through us?

Wow.

Oh, look at the two of you, eh?

Right, come on.

- Oh.
- Death row canapés.

Now, try the mini burgers first.

Frank cycled four miles to get the meat.

Gotta go to the source, baby.
Now, try the chicken.

- Okay. Wow, these look ama…
- That looks… yeah.

- Try the saltfish.
- Jesus Christ, Frank.

They're gonna try it all, okay? Chill out.

Oh, I got some white rum to go with this.

- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.

- How's Ruari doing?
- Yeah…

I hope my heart attack
didn't put him off Ibiza.

Listen, if he wants to come back
to the bar, tell him to give me a shout.

Well, he's gonna do a stint at the office.

- If that's still okay?
- Yeah, let's give him a shot.

- You want a shot?
- What? No.

Patricka, get over here,
try this off the bone.

- How's it been?
- "How's it been?"

Living with tiger blood over there? Great!

So close to death,
and yet never been more alive.

No, but how are you? Like, how's…

Just never mind all that.

Tell me everything, quickly.

Well…

Yeah, get some sauce here too.

- He's been in my bed a lot.
- Oh.

Yes.

I'm into it.

I'm into it, but, I mean, it's scary

'cause I'm right back
to where I was, you know,

worrying about whether he's into it.

- Oh, well, he looks into it.
- Yeah, but, I mean,

really into it, because I can imagine

being old with him, you know?

I could see us dying together.

Okay.

And I hate that I'm still
doing this at my age,

but I can't help thinking,
"Why would he be into it?"

Like, and if he is,
what's wrong with him, you know?

And when will it get fixed?

God help us all.

- You're not drinking?
- Mm-mm.

No, not at home.
I'm supporting his recovery.

- Come here, you!
- Help me!

I can't wait to go back to the office.
I need a challenge that is not my husband.

Well, you got the Malcolm lunch on Monday.

Perfect.

Ugh.

- Chop all this, come on.
- Have you got a lot of people coming?

'Cause you've got enough food here
for a small country.

What the hell?

- Show me. What is it?
- It's a text from Lars.

- Hilarious! Patrick!
- No!

- What? Give it to me.
- You better lock this one down quick.

She's just been asked on a date.

Good for her. You're only young once.

Who wants a game of poker?

- Frank, we're not playing poker.
- Lunch?

We're having lunch.

I feel like I'm sweating tannins.

Do I smell?

I mean, no more so than usual.

Sorry about Sam mentioning the date thing.

What date?

Oh. Ah, don't worry about it.
That was funny.

Yeah.

Are we, though?

Seeing other people?
Is that weird to ask so soon?

- Is it… it's just…
- No, no, no.

I was wondering that, too.

Yeah, 'cause this is nice.

Right? It's always nice.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

About seeing people?

That it's always nice.

And easy. It's always been easy with you.

Yeah, but…

other people?

I mean, I don't wanna jump ahead.

It's just, I've just been
asked on this date now.

- I'm not planning any dates.
- Okay, right.

- So, no?
- You can't just put that on me.

That's just, I mean,
you can do what you want.

Alex.

Yeah?

Should you pee?

Your UTI.

Oh, yeah.

- You're still hiding the bum?
- Yeah.

Got some mates coming
into town this week.

Ruari.

Oh.

Sorry. They're journalists,

just back from Syria before
they head back out to Turkey.

They're really smart, funny,
interesting people.

I don't think you'll have
anything in common with them,

but I feel sorry for you,
so do you want to come?

Maybe.

I've a lot of plans on this week.

Morning.

How you feeling about today?

I thought we could get a cab
to the office together.

So, do you wanna share a cab?

I don't want you to,
like, come in with me.

What? Why?

Why? Ruari.

I don't wanna look like a nepo baby, Mum.

It's a bit late for that.
You took the job, mate.

Why are you making two teas?

I was just…

just thirsty for tea.

Patrick started staying over.

Come on.

Okay.

Come on.

- Plum! Plum.
- Hey!

Sorry, this is Ruari,
he's gonna be interning

with us in the…

Ruari, come over here.

Sorry, he's… Come on.

Ruari, this is Plum.

- Hello.
- So, yeah, just show him

- how we make coffee and…
- Sure.

…and just the general ropes.

Okay, no problem. Hi, Ruari.

Aw.

Oh, Jessie Finlay called again.

Okay. I'll get back to her.

You have a great day and have fun.

- Yeah.
- Or don't "have fun." You know, work hard.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Oh. Aw.

Yeah. Just through here.

I actually know how to make coffee.

That's what the last guy said.

It's just a bit tricky to open, but…

I can just try if you want.

I like your shirt.

Thanks.

- It's a great film. Have you seen it?
- Yeah.

- No, I haven't.
- I'm part of a film club.

We watch horror classics from the '70s.

- If you fancy joining…
- Yeah? Yeah?

Where… when… or when is it?
I could maybe…

I don't understand what happened.

Oy.

Ay.

So, what's our strategy
for getting Malcolm back on board?

Have you ever watched those divers
that spear hunt for lionfish?

- It's good to be back.
- Can I take your coat?

Thank you.

What is that d*ck-in-a-box doing here?

Yeah.

Ugh.

Afternoon, sluts.

We're not friends anymore,
Grayson, so you can't say that.

- Why are you here?
- I could ask you the same.

You know they don't accept
Groupons here, right?

You know the manager's straight?
You can't f*ck the bill away.

- You'd be surprised, actually.
- Oh, come on, lads.

Just break it up.

They have a very reasonable
kids' menu here.

So, enjoy.

Something stinks about this.

What is it?

Just a…

a d*ck pic.

Patrick's d*ck.

- Oh.
- I'll just give it a quick thumbs-up.

- Oh, there he is.
- Malcolm.

Ah, my two favorite boutique agents.

What can we get you to drink?

Oh, I've already got a drink.

You…

What are you doing?
You're having lunch with us.

Absolutely. Order me the veal.
I'll be back in a jiff.

Oh, come on.

- Oh, you big poof.
- Oh, you look wonderful.

m*therf*cking m*therf*cker.

Which one?

Are your fingers bleeding?

Oh, the talent, darling.

Bleeding talent. Cheers.

Your pinot noir.

I'd like to organize a violent kidnapping.

Self-published prick.

I'm not drinking at home,
I need to get all my units in now,

anesthetize myself.

Frank's started therapy. Terrifying.

Why is it terrifying?
What are you scared of?

Nothing. It's just so boring.

All he can talk about is himself.

That Patrick? You not answering?

He's gonna think his d*ck's small.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

No, I…

I think I just need to take
a step back a bit, you know?

What happened to dying together?

Yeah, he seems to want it
to be more casual,

you know, "see other people" kinda thing.

Good idea. See other people.

Don't put all your dead eggs
in that basket.

The man is institutionally single.

Is he?

I always thought he was just
a tiny bit spectrum-y.

That is bullshit, I'm sorry.

That's just an excuse
women give for man-children.

The man's 47 and he's never
lived with a woman. Come on.

I'm gonna answer,

but we should get another bottle.

- Yeah, sure.
- That's a good one.

Can you bring me your second-cheapest
but likely strongest pinot noir?

- Hey.
- Hey, darling.

I was just leaving you a message.

Are you coming tonight?
Queen's Arms, 8 p.m.

If I did come meet your friends,
what would you introduce me as?

As Alex?

- Okay.
- Wrong answer?

- Alexandra Shaw?
- Yeah, that's better.

I like to go by my full spinster name.

So, are you joining us?

I don't know what's happening in Syria.

Or Turkey. So, I'll call you later.

What are you doing?

- Why do you do this?
- Are you trying

- to woo him from us?
- Not at all.

- Ah, my veal.
- Malcolm invited me

for a little pre-luncheon
endorphin-inducing…

You'd never know
he was from Essex, would you?

Oh, this looks cozy!

Hello.

- Excuse me. What are you doing?
- May we?

Did Grayson tell you about the time

he left Charlotte Arbor's
unpublished manuscript

on the 388 to Morden?

You don't wanna risk that
kind of negligence, Malcolm.

Not at this stage of your career.

Mm.

Taken from his mother
two days after birth, apparently.

I'm sorry, do you mind
if I take this quickly?

I can't talk now, St. John.
I'm in the middle of a…

- What? When?
- That's not St. John.

That's just some mate
he's asked to call…

- Oh, my God.
- …say someone's died,

and then he's gonna leave.

Harriet's dead.

Oh, sh*t.

She's actually dead?

Sorry, Grayson, that's…

can't think of the word.

Guess it's just Noble & Cole now.

Every cloud.

- Harriet.
- Harriet.

May your sales in the afterlife
be abundant.

Cheers.

Now, I'd better go rally the troops.

- And what about your bill?
- A woman's just died.

How crass.

Don't do anything you might regret.

That agency's not for you, Malcolm.
You'll get lost there.

We've been talking to HarperCollins.

- HarperCollins, eh?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, they think you could be
the next J.R.R. Tolkien.

I already am the next J.R.R. Tolkien.

Yeah, yeah, could be.

They would love if we were the ones
to bring them your next book.

I know you need help with it.
It's fine. I can do that for you.

Mm. Yep.

Delightfully tender.

You're very persuasive.

Excuse me while I visit
the big boys' room.

I think more clearly with an empty bowel.

And then…

how about we get down to business?

- Oh, we smashed it, oh!
- I think we got him! I think we got him!

- The big boys' room?
- That's gross, though. Empty his bowel.

- So creepy.
- f*ck's sake, ugh!

Hey, let's go for it.

- What?
- I agree to your demands.

- A partnership?
- Junior partnership.

- And a bonus?
- f*ck off.

Here you are, madame.

Oh, he's cute. Look at that.

Did you ask for the bill?

No, I didn't, but you know. It's fine.

Has he just f*cked off?

He's just f*cked off!



Jesus Christ,
who made that whiskey, the Pope?

Yes.

Okay, we're getting pissed.

Can I get a bottle of the pinot?

You should go on that date with that Lars.

- What? Really?
- Why not?

You've had German sausage before.

I'd only be going 'cause I'm confused.

Then, go for clarity. It's just options.

Well, now I'm anxious.

Oh, wait. Here.

- What?
- Just take a half.

- No more booze though.
- What is it?

Frank's Xanax. Franax!

He's on those, beta blockers, heart meds.

He can't get a hard-on.

- Oh.
- Mm, and I've no sex drive.

Turns out I'm peri-peri bloody merry meni.

And just like that, p*ssy's dead.

So, if he's not driving it,
we're not f*cking,

- and f*cking's what we do!
- Aw.

Honey, come here. That is a lot.

Come on.

- W4, please.
- Just, you know, talk to him.

Just talk to him.

And, look, don't worry.
I had all that, you know?

All you need is to start
at your creams and your patches.

You'll be grand, okay?

- Mwah.
- Love you.

- Love you.
- You are a sex queen!

- I am.
- And you will f*ck again!

I will!

f*cking see!

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, Camille! You're working late.

What?

Oh. Sorry, I… Yeah.

Yafa?

Yes! Yeah, they're good, aren't they?

- Are you getting in or what?
- Should we have lunch

and chat about it tomorrow? I'm giddy.

I'm giddy about it. No, I'm excited.

- I'll call you.
- Where to?

Bloomsbury Hotel, please.

Hey! Sleepy head! Come on!

- Oh, sh*t.
- You've been asleep for 67 minutes.

I had to call your emergency contact.

- I'm so sorry.
- You owe me 130 quid.

Okay. Sorry, sorry.

- Jesus Christ.
- I couldn't wake you up!

What? Hang on.

I'm home. Can you take me to…

Absolutely f*cking not!

I've driven 'round half of London.

Go on, get out, now.

Okay. Jesus, I'm going.

- Oy.
- You really should take

an anger management class, mate.

You're an embarrassment.

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Ooh. Hey.

- Ah, I'm hammered.
- I'm off my nut.

This place smells of beer farts.

Well, you just made it smell 20% better.

So, Syria.
What, violence is still ongoing?

Despite the fall of the Assad regime

in, what was it, 2024?

- Alex, it's fine.
- What?

They've clocked off. You can relax.

Okay.

So what do you do in your downtime?

In the w*r zone?

Like, how do you relax in a hellscape?

Well, I mean, I don't know for certain
if this is connected,

but I have a more-than-average
amount of casual sex.

- Saleh?
- Party hard. Drink pretty heavily.

- Yeah. That makes sense.
- Ah.

- What's your excuse?
- How dare you?

- Oh, sh*t.
- What?

- Who's that?
- Oh, I'm sorry about this in advance.

Oh, sh*t.

That's, that's Lars.

That's my date.
Not my date, per se.

I was gonna meet him.

It's complicated.

What's he doing here?

I shared my location, I think.

I took a Xanax, so this is all

- a bit…
- Hey!

- Hey.
- Alex!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh.

Mm. I've been waiting for you

- at the Bloomsbury Bar.
- Yeah, I know.

- Yeah.
- I f*cked up.

- It's fine.
- Do you wanna stay

for a drink now you're here, or…?

Yeah, or do you wanna come
to the Bloomsbury Bar?

- Alex?
- Patrick,

I'm gonna get a round in.

Will I get a round… I'll get a round in.

Lars, this is Patrick,

Ed, Saleh, and…

Patrick. Saleh. Ed.

No, actually, it's the other way.

She… it… okay. Yeah.

- Hey…
- What are you doing?

I thought you wanted me to go on a date

- with someone.
- No, I didn't.

You were asking me
for permission, I thought.

No, I wanted you to tell me not to go.

But that's just stupid, that's…

I have no interest in these sort of games.

- What age are you?
- I'm not playing games.

And with prayer hands over there?

I'm embarrassed.
You should be f*cking mortified.

- I should be mortified?
- Yeah.

Cara was a bona fide moron
and you were in a relationship with her.

I know you want her to be,
but she's actually not.

- She's studying for an MA.
- Oh, is she?

- In what, Pilates?
- Ha, ha, ha.

Well, Von Triers over there
looks like the last member

of a reformed f*cking boy band.

Well, at least he's not a drunk,

institutionally single


Wow.

So, are we going to
the Bloomsbury Bar, huh? Alex?

No.

No?

Looks like we have
the same taste in women, huh?

That could be fun.

Oh, fu…

You going in early?

Yeah, Sam gave me some more reading to do.

Oh.

That's the second GIF
that Grandad's sent me.

The one yesterday said,
"You are g*y and that's okay."

He can't control his phone.
I'm gonna get him a burner.

You look very cool.

Oh, great, now I'm gonna have to change.

And that's mine, so take it off.

I paid for it, so it's mine.

Everything you own is mine!

d*ck.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Howdy, partner.

Junior. I've still gotta talk
to Sandra and the lawyers,

make sure it even makes sense,
so don't, you know.

I'm not. How are you?

- Did you talk to Frank?
- About what?

Just about, you know,
what's going on with you and…

…you know, your p*ssy.

He just had a f*cking
heart attack, Alex, come on.

Alright, Jesus, I know.

Listen, I'm meeting HarperCollins Karen,
fill her in on the Malcolm stuff.

He emailed.
He's consulting his psychic.

So, I'm gonna sell that as a positive.

- Do you wanna join?
- No. She hit me,

in case you've forgotten, in my face, so.

So, just give her your love?

- Yeah, please.
- Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Hey. What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing.
- What's that?

It's just a manuscript.

I know it's a manuscript, but what is it?

- Like, what's it called?
- Where We Roam.

It's like a take on West Side Story,
but with werewolves, kind of thing.

It's like a metaphor
for our inhumanity, kinda.

Nice pitch. Go on, read some.

- No, I'm definitely not gonna read some.
- Go on.

- No.
- Okay, I'll read some.

"His momentum pushed her
to the damp earth."

Oy, oy.

"Her breath was warm and ragged.

"She smelled the scent
of last night's hunt

still clinging to him."

Oh, that is so sh*t.

I have a lunch meeting, so…

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Okay. Go back to work.

Well, we have a few publishers
circling Yafa now.

- Oh, I'm sure.
- Obviously.

Well, then let's get into a bloody deal.

Well, that would be ace.

Well, the whole team's excited.

- I'm excited.
- And he's a genius.

- He's exciting, yeah.
- You're a genius.

Oh. Don't know if I'm a genius, but…

I mean, he seems to really love
being repped by you.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's…

There's a few,
I wouldn't call them complications,

but…

Sorry.

Do you mind if I…
it's my dad… if I just…

Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah. Thank you.

- There's an Irishman shouting at me…
- Hi, Dad.

- Dad, I think it's your podcast.
- …through my phone!

So, just turn your phone off.
Where's Mum?

- I can't get hold of them.
- Okay, there's a little button

on the side, just on the…

or do you know what?
Find the purple icon.

- What's an icon?
- I'm gonna fail at this.

The aubergine?

- I'm in a meeting.
- Oh, there's…

- Okay, I'm gonna call Ruari.
- Stop him.

- Tell him to go away.
- Yeah, I'll call Ruari

and I'll call you back.

I'll just be one minute.

It's okay.

The number you have dialed
is not available.

Hello?

If I send you my dad's number,
can you help him

turn his IRA podcast off?

Okay, I wasn't expecting you
to say that, but say again? What?

Sorry, I'm in a meeting
and it's important,

and I need to turn off my dad's podcast.

I can't get ahold of Ruari. So, if you…

I feel really bad asking you
for a favor after last night,

- but he's freaking out and I just…
- Okay. Okay.

I'll call him and talk him through it.

Yeah? You will? Okay, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
I'll send the number.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

My…

My father's being terrorized
by his IRA podcasts.

Well, that's… Yeah. Mm, so…

I just got here myself, alright?

So just let me sort my stuff
and I'll get back to you.

- I have amazing news.
- You're pregnant.

No. Okay, so, okay, so Yafa Barghouti…

- Oh, Alex, I don't want to.
- No, no, no, it's good.

Blue Hour, they're making
an offer on his book.

And I had to go a bit behind the scenes,
and I'm sorry for that,

but I had a gut feeling, you know?

What do you mean, "behind the scenes"?

Okay, so when I met Camille in Frankfurt,

- I said we rep him…
- Have you taken him on?

No, no! Not yet. I mean, I wanted to…

So, you've lied to a publisher?

They think we rep a writer
I specifically asked you not to?

Is there something I'm not getting here?

I thought you of all people
would be interested

in championing diverse voices and…

Don't patronize me.
I'm interested in writers

who are commercially viable.

This is a good thing.
They love him. He loves me.

This is not how partnerships work,
by the way,

just so you know.

Sorry, I was just gonna
head home now if you're…

That's a good idea.

Just go home, Alex.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

What do you wanna eat?

- Yeah, let's see what you're made of.
- Oof!

Wow. Bang, he got…

- A head shot? Are you kidding me?
- Hey, Dad.

Ah, is it my favorite daughter?

- Bang.
- I don't know what

Delly would have to say about that.

- What's up, Grandad?
- It just seemed easier to go over

and switch it off for him, so…

Ruari, you wanna take over
for me here, pal?

- Yeah.
- Ah.

- Chickening out, are you?
- Thank you. No, no.

Just conceding to a better player.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Congratulations, Wally.

Ah, well, it's…

We've sorted out the men from the boys.

Come on, let's see what
we can do with you, then.

Alright, you ready?

Say when. And…

He's just missing your mum, you know?

And we both like first-person shooters,
so I just thought it'd be easier to…

Well, you didn't need to do that.

I wanted to.
It made me feel closer to you.

You've been so weird

- and hard to get to, so.
- Yeah, sorry.

I don't remember much
about last night, but

I remember
the "institutionally single" thing.

Yeah. Well, I am… Was.

I'm sorry, but you're gonna have
to be patient with that one.

What are we, though?
I mean, what is this?

I don't wanna see other people.

- I don't want to, either.
- Really?

- Really.
- Well, then what the f…

Why does it feel so complicated and coded?

I don't do code, okay?
I don't understand it.

But neither do I.
I felt like I was supposed

to understand what you meant,
even when you meant

the exact opposite of what you said.

I just want something that doesn't
shapeshift on me all the time.

But it's a good shape now. Isn't it?

It's messy, but I like it.

Yeah, alright, and use X. Good.

I like all of it.

…c**ts. For f*cking God,

- I'm like, f*ck that.
- Oh, no!

- Not again!
- I'm risking my life for you b*stards.

Who the f*ck do you think you are?!