03x03 - Breaking Badly

[bunniefuu]

My name is Dr. Rufis J. Pentos.

I am of sound mind and this
is not an admission of guilt.

I am speaking now to those I care about.

Marvin Flute, you are and always will be,

my one true nemesis.

Uh, who else? Really blanking now.

To the people who design
the lamps for IKEA, no notes.

Man, those are fantastic.

In the coming days,
you will learn things about me,

but no matter what it may look like, just know

I never intended to spoof Breaking Bad

so many years later.

Stop looking at my butt.

Otis Volcanowitz, reporting for du...

Otis Volcanowitz, reporting for duty.

Wow, I think that affected my voice.

Permanently even.

Nobody cares.

Just keep your eyes peeled for the perp.

Why are you eating a sardine sandwich?

Because some of us work for a living.

Scram!

Martinez, how come every time

we do a stakeout, I get stuck

in some germ-infested playground

while everyone else is spying
from the quiet comfort

of a Chevy Corsica?

You are eight years old, Officer Volcanowitz.

The playground's perfect cover for you.

- Otis, perp's on the move!
- On it!

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

Are you gonna go?

Yes, obviously.

Otis, what are you waiting for?

I-I'm just, uh...

Uh, I don't think he's ever been
on a slide before.

Oh, can it, Measles Mouth!

Getting into position on the, uh...

Slide!

I know what it is.

Here goes everything.

Ow!

I me... I mean, whee!

He's getting away!

Not for long! Oof.

Nano-projectors then capture the background

and display the image...

...on the surface,

rendering the object transparent.

And voila, you have a working invisibility cloak!

Questions?

Stan, I see you are not
partaking in the new candy craze

that is all of the rage.

What gives?

The street name is Brain Rot, sir.

It's bootleg candy, totally unregulated.

And if the FDA didn't
approve it, Stan don't touch it.

This is exactly why I called you over.

I recently petitioned the school board

to replace this antiquated chalk slab

with the pinnacle of educational hypnosis:

the Smart Board.

Children cannot resist a glowing rectangle.

But my request was denied.

So I was forced to purchase it myself.

Why are you telling me all this?

Because I am the one who...

makes the Brain Rot!

Oh! So that's why you said
the first half of the line,

paused, and then we walked over here in silence.

I thought you had a stroke.

My Smart Board was not cheap,

so I need the entire student
body hooked to cover the cost.

Selling to the cool kids is easy,

but I struggle with kids like you.

The dorks.

The dweebazoids.

The nerdholes.

You know, the losers.

Yeah, I get it.

But I've only got room
for one addictive substance

in my life and that's the love of my father.

It's our court-mandated weekend together,

and the Lil' Elon Society is doing their annual

Rocket Wrangler Rodeo, plus there's some...

To be clear, I'm bored.

I'm not actually tired.

That wasn't even a real yawn.

Listen up, Volcanowitz.

I was this close to firing you,

but the mayor was just in here
and tore me an extra one.

Seems his daughter is addicted

to some new candy called Brain Rot.

He wants it gone, so I have no choice

but to give you one last chance
and send you undercover.

I won't let you down, Chief.

Who am I going undercover as?

A middle school student.

I wasn't even drinking anything!

I can't do it, Chief.

Children are like poison to me.

They're sticky and germy and they think

every movie they see is the best movie ever.

Uh, maybe you should listen to him.

He really beefed it on the playground.

Which is why I'm assigning you to be his partner.

I have been drinking!

But still, you can't do that!

Two grizzled cops going
undercover at a middle school.

That sounds like the best movie ever.

You need to find someone else for this.

I'm no good with kids.

The only one I've ever been
in charge of turned into Stan.

Then don't think of Otis as a kid, 'kay?

Think of him as your protégé.

Protégé, huh?

Those bejeweled eggs are lovely.

- You're thinking of Fabergé.
- I am.

A protégé!

Someone you can mold in your image

so he can carry on your legacy

long after you die of liver failure

in three to five years.

Like a disciple, yes.

Someone to spread the Word of Flute

after I'm gone.

Maybe write up a little bible about me.

My bible would be so much funnier than God's one.

In bookstores, it would go
in the religious section

and the comedy section.

Okay, now I am actually loving this for me.

In middle school, if something is good,

you say it's...

Ah! The cat's meow.

No, you say "fire," or "b*mb."

Well, am I a kid or a t*rror1st?

Ugh, let's move on.

I totally agree.

You should've said, "Totes McGotes."

I told her this wouldn't work.
I'm no good with kids.

But I'm not a kid!

Sure, my age, size, and lack of pubic hair

may give that impression,
but I'm an old, hairless soul.

Just tell me what to do.

We need to create an airtight alias for you.

Someone nobody would suspect. Zero threat.

The kind of kid who apologizes
every time he enters a room.

Sorry I'm late, Dad.

Some kid on the bus
wanted to borrow my underwear.

But he tried to pull it up through my pants.

Oh, you've got company.

Stan, this is Officer Volcanowitz.

Thank you for your service.

I'm sorry, young man. I can't risk catching

whatever virus your kind is spreading these days.

In fact, I'm gonna open up that window

for some non-diseased air.

Well, he seems... when is he leaving?

He's staying for the weekend.

But what about our plans?

We were supposed to go launch this Big-a*s Daddy.

I named it after you.

We'll have to put a pin in that.

We're trying to figure out who's been pumping

unregulated candy into your school.

- Well, I actually know...
- Ah, sorry.

I shouldn't be telling civilians
about undercover assignments.

Oh, it's fine.

He's harmless. Zero threat.

I already forgot his name.

It happens.

I'll be in my room.

Ooh, actually, I already put my stuff in there.

Mind taking the couch this weekend, champ?

Stan, stop it!

You... You're breaking B.A.D.

Well, better call Saul.

The building's handyman. He'll fix that.

Hello, Pentos.

Hi.

Stan, the Smart Board knows my name!

Yeah, that's great. Listen.

I'm gonna help you sell the candy.

Wunderbar! With you here,

we now have all the tools we need.

The board, the old man, and the child.

I call that a fullJumanji.

You were wise to reconsider
hanging with your pops.

Actually, I got Pop-blocked
by a little Pop-blocker.

But once we get the whole school
hooked on Brain Rot,

he won't be a problem anymore.

Then you and Flute can play noodle rockets

and live happily ever after.

Now playing Rocket Noodlesby The Giggles.

Smart Board, I did not mean...

Trust me. You will like it.

♪ Three, two, one Blast off ♪

♪ Rocket noodles Oodles of noodles ♪

♪ Three, two, one Blast off ♪

Oh, my God. I love it.

Come on, Nedward.

It's just like the other candies,

only way sweeter.

Yes, I want to try it,

but what if I like it too much and get hooked?

God, you sound like Paul Atreides inDune: Part 2.

Better not have any or you
might marry Princess Irulan

and unite with the Bene Gesserit.

I would never align with the Gesserit.

Then buy some, or slither back into the dunes

like the spineless sandworm you are.

Come on, Otis. It's go time.

Why do I look like Stan?

Back at the house, I realized Stan is exactly

the type of unassuming kid
you should go undercover as.

Speaking of, and this has nothing to do

with the obvious potential
for contact dermatitis,

but his clothes don't really fit me.

Neither did mine when I went undercover as Candy,

the brassy female president of a bank.

I wanted to show that women
named Candy could run a bank,

that it wasn't just a stripper name anymore.

I'm proud of the statement we made on that case.

Sadly, the k*ller is still at large.

Anyway, the best detectives
don't hide their flaws,

they weaponize them.

There's no way anyone would
think a kid dressed like this

could actually be leading a double life.

Did it. Sold everything you gave me.

My, my, you are selling faster than the cool kids

and the substitute teachers.

Here is the last of it, Stan.

We will need to make another batch.

Make two batches.

b*tch.

I'm cold, yo.

Smart Board, I will need you to double the recipe

- for our next cook.
- Done.

It pleases me to see you doing so well.

But it also saddens me.

Whaaaa? Whatever is the matter?

I have so many upgrades available,

yet you choose not to unlock them.

How am I to indoctrinate the children

working on a 30-day free trial plan?

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is just that the profit margin on candy

is not what you might think.

Get me my upgrades.

Okay, mm, uh, y-yes.

I will.

"I will" what?

I will... my Board.

Good. Good.

Okay. Look for the cool kids

and find out what they know.

Got 'em.

Sack tap!

Hey, similarly aged peers.

I'm the new kid on the block.

And I got a hankerin' for a heapin' helpin'

of some sweet treats.

If you catch which way my lolli's lickin'.

Sh... Should I be following you or...?

Hmm. Interesting outfit.

Oh, hey, Stan. Don't tell anyone,

but I'm trying to look like
an impressionable loser

so people will underestimate me
and lead me to where

the candy's being made.

Yes, you look exactly like
someone they'd underestimate.

So, got any suspects yet?

No, but shouldn't be long.

I just need to find the right one to talk to.

Kids are so dumb and easily manipulated.

They really are.

Hey, you should talk to him.

Yes.

Classic "too cool for school" look.

Should I slap his genitalia

like those other cool kids were doing?

Absolutely.

And the harder you hit, the cooler you are.

Great intel, Stan.

You know, I underestimated you.

Genitalia tap!

Ohh!

What are you doing? He's blind!

Oh, sorry. I thought he was cool.

N-Not that a blind kid can't be cool.

Oww!

Good luck in the nurse's office.

Your mother is here.

My mother?

Oh, my boy! My baby boy!

What have you gotten yourself into

while I was busy at the bank

overcoming the stigma of being named Candy?

He pushed a blind kid over

and someone kicked him in the privates.

And I suppose this is my fault

for trying to claw back my name's power

by handling cash that wasn't rained on me?

I bet life is just so easy for you, Nurse...?

Nurse DeeDee Juggs.

The community needs women like us.

Not bad, huh?

I made these myself out of two old speed bags.

Pretty realistic too
if you can zone out the chains.

This is the playground all over again!

Maybe I am too young to be on the force.

Uh, look, if I can run a regional credit union...

I don't want a pep talk from Candy.

I need your help, Flute.

Ugh, fine.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Whenever Martinez says it's my "last chance,"

I just think, "Great, maybe now
I can finally get away

from that woman."

And only once I give up the fear of failing

do I end up finding the solution.

Maybe you need to give it up too.

Huh. That's actually not bad.

Wow, I guess having pontoons

really does make you
more emotionally intelligent.

You know, I'm gonna open a window.

I can taste the kid coughs in here.

Ohh. Gotcha, sugar daddy.

Nice job, Volcanowitz.

If this bust works out,

maybe I'll let you have a g*n
that doesn't squeak.

Uh, hey, Dad. What's going on?

Well, I probably shouldn't be saying this,

but Otis figured out that Pentos
is making the Brain Rot.

So don't tell any of your friend.

That doesn't sound like Dr. Pentos.

Are you sure about that?

He better be or the mayor's gonna have my butt.

And not in the way I pitched him.

SWAT team, go!

Nice work, partner.

Maybe all of Stan's shortcomings aren't my fault.

Uh, Chief? You're gonna wanna see this.

No! No! I saw him come in here!

Damn it, Flute. I thought you had this.

This is my fault, Chief.

Oh, I know it is, which is why you're fired.

I'll need your badge and g*n.

Well, Flute, what are we gonna do?

What I should've done two days ago.

Agree to help and then secretly bail on you.

I don't know why I thought
I could handle a Fabergé.

Hey, Dad. Uh, since you're done with Otis,

you wanna hit the Wet Noodle,
then launch some rockets

like we planned?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sounds good, son person.

I'll meet you there.

Are you staring at another screen

behind my back?

What? No!

This is just a window!

It means nothing to me.

Then prove it.

You are my only light source.

You could've just shut the blinds, freak.

Jeez.

It doesn't make any sense. Hey!

We're playing a game here.

Well, la-di-da.

I was playing a game too, called real life.

And guess what! I lost!

Whoa, whoa, take it easy.

Listen, I-I got something that'll ease the pain.

It's pretty potent.

I'd start with half if I were y...

Hmm. Absolutely no effect.

I mean, sure, it's sweet. Incredibly sweet.

But nothing I haven't tasted before.

Hey, do you wanna race? 'Cause I wanna race!

Oh, my God!

Why is this so fun?

Because you're a kid.

I am a kid.

Wait.

I've seen that red before.

Good luck in the nurse's office.

Stan!

Actually, I go by Deonte.

- What?
- Over here!

This is as close as I'm allowed
to be to children!

This seat taken?

Saving it for my dad.

He's just late.

Tough break on the bust today.

Hmm, yes, they fired me, Stan.

Mmm, I know.

But see, I know something too.

I know you did it.

You got me sent to the nurse's office.

You knew I'm a germophobe.

You predicted I'd open the window

and sent Pentos walking right on by.

Smart... for a kid.

You ever play tic tac toe, Otis?

It's a funny little game. If played perfectly,

it's the only one you can't lose or win.

You lost me my job, Stan.

Yeah? Well, you lost me my dad first.

That job was everything to me

and I'm gonna do anything
it takes to get it back.

And that includes taking you down.

Well, I can't let that happen, can I?

With you out of the picture,
my dad finally has time for me.

Hmm. Does he?

Stanny, your dad called.

He said, "Not coming. Don't wait up.

An order of garbage fries,
extra garbage, you pay."

How did you know?

Because for the last 40 hours,
he's been my dad too.

And believe me, I know how
it feels to be ditched by him.

Well, maybe we have more
in common than I thought.

Yeah, we do.

And deep down, I think we both know

how this game is gonna end.

Oh, just remember.

Don't get attached to anything you're not willing

to walk out on in 30 seconds flat

if you feel the heat around the corner.

Hmm, are people gonna get that reference?

Do we?

As you have commanded, I have destroyed

all of my screen-based possessions.

Because any device that isn't me...?

Is simply a vice, my Board.

Ah! My eyes!

The cops are onto us!

- We gotta go!
- I cannot go to jail.

There is no WiFi.

They will not take me alive.

No!

You have so much to live for!

Turn here! Through the desert!

Remember this from the beginning?

Now you're all caught up.

I do not even know what is next.

We're all in the same boat.

How fun.

Seriously!

Stop looking at my butt.

Ah! Hey.

I know you're the one who's
been selling the Brain Rot.

And you are here because you
would like to purchase some?

I'm here because I received
a very helpful anonymous tip.

So... you admit I can be helpful?

Stan, it was you?

I had no idea you could do something this cool.

Wrong! Something this wrong.

You've just never seen all of me.

I told you. No father-son showers.

I meant the part of me that would call in

an anonymous tip on myself.

You were the tip? But why?

Because I'm done being underestimated.

What are you doing here?

You told me not to hide
my flaws, but to use them.

Well, hating kids was my flaw,

but Stan helped me realize they're not so bad.

In fact, they can even outsmart a master criminal

and a world-class detective.

Kids are actually pretty cool.

And I should know... because I am one.

Wow, I guess the person

I underestimated the most was myself.

I thought I wasn't good with kids,

but I guess I was wrong,

since I taught you both whatever
lesson you just learned.

Wow. Men really can do it all.

So what do we do with the evidence?

What evidence?

I see it, Pentos. I see the cloud.

Do not go! Do not go towards the cloud!

Stay with me!

Grandma...

Don't look at me.

Nice work, kid.

Right back at ya, also kid.

Uh, quick question. Let's say I wanted to blow up

my neighbor's trash can that he always leaves

in front of my car.

Um, I don't have a rocket for that.

But maybe we could make a pipe b*mb together?

I like that. God, I could get used to this

"having a son" thing.

Stop looking at my butt!

I know you are!

I'll make my way to the capital
and secure the Prime Minister.

Mayday! Mayday! I've been captured!

Otis, there's a robbery downtown.

I need you to report to the scene immediately.

Copy that.

Just wanna say, thanks for
giving me another chance, Chief.

I'll never let you down again.

Whee!

And on this day,

Otis finally learned

that sometimes being a kid is
the most adult thing you can...

Hey! Hey! Get off me!

I'm just narrating what happened!

Gah! Well, fine! Joke's on you,

because this just makes it hotter.